Original subtitles

TED: Kids, one of the things you'll learn about relationships is

that you're never done getting to know someone.

Everyone has secrets.

Some are nice.

You know how to make crepes?

That is so cool. Mm.

Some aren't as nice.

And then there was Derek, and counting you,

that puts the total up to-- Oh, I got your total.

I've been counting along.

And some are just weird.

You're scared of the seven dwarfs?

Just Doc. He's creepy.

I mean the guy went to medical school.

What's he doing living with six coal miners?

Oh, man! I'm so excited.

I couldn't sleep last night. I bet you guys couldn't either.

Why? Uh...

Only the Gala event

for the Grand Opening of Sharper Image's 500th store.

Didn't you get my e-mail?

No, I blocked your address

after the fourth time you sent me the video

of the monkey sniffing his own butt.

Come on! It's on me.

I'm buying three of you foot massagers

and one of you a nose hair trimmer.

You know who you are.

Come on,

let's go.

Okay, I'm in.

To the Willowbrook Mall!

GUYS: To the Willowbrook Mall. Oh, it's

at a mall?

I'm not going.

What? Why not?

I just don't feel like

going to a mall.

We can split a Cinnabon.

No, I'm really not going to go.

Come on, it'll be fun.

No, I don't go to malls!

Sorry, I just don't like malls.

Why not?

I'd rather not say.

Sharper Images. But that's where clothes live.

Guys, guys, guys, Robin doesn't like malls.

If she doesn't want to tell us why, she doesn't have to.

I think we should all

just respect her privacy.

Thanks, Ted.

So, what's the deal with you and malls?

I thought you said that,

if I didn't want to talk about it, I didn't have to.

Yeah, with those people.

But I'm your boyfriend. Come on. What is it?

Did you get arrested at a mall?

No.

Dumped at a mall? Ted.

Found out you were Canadian at a mall?

Let it go. Trapped under a fake boulder

at a mall? Let it go.

Mauled at the mall?

Let it go!

And who gets trapped

under a fake boulder at the mall?

Not me in Ohio when I was nine,

that's for sure. Ha.

I don't get it.

Why won't Robin tell me why she hates malls?

Ted, you should be happy Robin has a secret.

The more you learn about a person,

the better chance you have of hitting

the fatal "Oh" moment.

The "Oh" Moment?

Yeah, that moment when you find out that one detail

about a person that is going to be a deal breaker.

It's a promise ring.

I made a pact with God to stay a virgin till I'm married.

Oh.

I don't have an eating disorder.

It's just when I put food in my mouth,

I chew it, and then I spit it out.

Oh.

I just turned 30. Oh.

So trust me,

you want to postpone knowing anything about each other

for as long as possible. Mm. I disagree.

If there is some potential "Oh" moment,

I want to know about it right away.

I mean, what's the alternative?

I now pronounce you, man and wife.

I love you.

I used to be a dude.

Yeah, I agree with Ted.

In a real relationship, you share everything.

That's why Marshall and I don't keep any secrets.

You are such a cutie pie.

Here's a quarter. Go play a song on the jukebox.

No, it's true.

They tell each other everything.

I can think of tons of things,

there's no way Marshall's told you.

Try me.

Do you know about the time Marshall was in Trenton?

Donkey ate his pants. Yup.

Bill's bachelor party in Memphis?

Oh, when they had to pump out

all the nickels from his stomach?

Wow. Okay. Seattle.

Trick question.

Marshall's never been to the Pacific Northwest

because he's afraid of Sasquatch.

Damn.

I'm not afraid of Sasquatch,

I just think we should all be on alert.

Trust me.

Not only do they tell each other everything,

they want to know everything.

So after the shower I was brushing my teeth.

And I was like, "Oh, man!

I wanted to have some orange juice.

I should have done that first."

But I already had the toothpaste on the toothbrush.

So I just went ahead and brushed them anyway.

What happened next?

Yeah, meanwhile, Robin tells me nothing.

Fine.

Do you want to know what Robin's secret is?

You know?

Of course I know.

She couldn't look at us,

her face got flushed-- that's shame, my friend.

Our friend Robin used to do porn, wait for it...

...ography.

Yeah, we didn't really need to wait for that.

And it's ridiculous.

I don't know. He could be right.

She does have the fake orgasm noises down.

Hey!

What? The walls are thin.

That's not what I'm "hey"ing you about.

You know what it might be?

This is going to sound

a little crazy but what if Robin is married?

Married?

What does that have to do with the mall?

Well, maybe she got married at the mall.

Back home in Minnesota,

a ton of people get married at the Mall of America.

It's great.

There's this gorgeous indoor golf course for pictures,

numerous fine dining options, and talk about a reasonable--

We are not getting married at the mall!

Well, just meet with the guy.

She's not married. Robin hates marriage.

Because she already got married.

At the mall.

No,

because before Robin moved to New York, she...

What was she doing?

Well, I don't know.

Whenever I ask her about Canada, she kind of clams up.

She's a pretty private person.

Except when she's talking about...

Oh, a friend of mine in Canada got married way too young

and it really turned her off to marriage.

What do you think of this wedding cake?

Oh, I like it.

Hey, you remember that friend of mine in Canada

who got married way too young?

Her wedding cake was a Mrs. Field's giant cookie.

No.

My friend in Canada who got married

way too young, they had to do their vows twice,

once in French.

They speak French there, too?

God, that place is a mess.

So you don't think there's any "friend" from Canada?

Oh, I'm sure there is.

Just like I have a "friend"

who wet his bed till he was ten.

Use your brain, Ted.

Guys, there's no way Robin is married.

It's ludicrous to even suggest it.

Thank you, Barney. 'Cause it's porn.

I need another beer.

Robin was not in porn.

I bet you anything that she's married.

$20,000 says it's porn.

I don't have $20,000.

Well, then what do you have?

Well... No.

I've got it.

The ultimate wager-- slap bet.

Oh, slap bet. We used to do those when I was a kid.

What the hell's a slap bet?

Whoever is right gets to slap the other person

in the face as hard as they possibly can--

but no rings.

Are you really going to do that?

That's so immature. You can be Slap Bet Commissioner.

Ooh, I love it. What are my powers?

Um, if a problem arises and we need a ruling,

that's your job. But...

you have to be unbiased

and put the integrity of slap bet above all else.

This is an honor you will take with you to your grave.

On your tombstone, it will read,

"Lily Aldrin, caring wife, loving friend,

Slap Bet Commissioner."

And your tombstone will read

"Got slapped by Marshall, so hard he died."

Okay.

What if I just ask Robin point blank if she has a husband?

You said you would respect her privacy,

so maybe you should just drop it.

Yeah, you're right.

Husband.

There's no "P" in husband.

Wow, you seem to know a lot about husbands.

Fine. I'll take it back.

Oh, hey, since you mentioned husbands,

this is great, you're going to love this.

Marshall, you know Marshall. He thinks that the reason

you didn't want to go to the mall the other day

is because you got married at a mall

and have a husband in Canada.

Huh.

I told him he's crazy. Because he's crazy, right?

I mean, how crazy is that?

Are you asking me if I'm married?

Well, you can ask me.

Nope, I'm not married. Your turn.

What happened to respecting my privacy?

Look, just say, "No, I'm not married."

Ted, I don't understand why you can't-- Just

say, "No, I'm not married."

I can't.

Marshall's right.

I was young and I got married.

It was a mistake and he moved away, but... yeah.

I'm married.

Oh.

You have a husband?

I was young and stupid

and we got married at a mall and we broke up at a mall

and I... I haven't been to a mall since.

Why didn't you get divorced?

He moved to Hong Kong for work and I was like...

eh, good enough.

Good enough? That's not good enough.

You order pancakes, you get waffles, that's good enough.

Look, I haven't seen him in years.

(sighs) It's just

a part of my life I want to forget.

Just please don't tell anyone about this.

Okay.

Dude, your hand is monstrous. Yeah, well,

what'd you expect? You've seen my penis.

I can't believe you told us Robin's secret.

What?

How could I keep something like that to myself?

And you begged me to tell you.

No, I didn't.

Please tell us.

Just tell us. I'm begging you.

Tell us. Tell us. Tell us.

Please please please please please please-- Fine.

Robin's married.

Yeah, well, you still shouldn't have told us.

I mean, what kind of boyfriend are you?

See that's just it, I'm not the boyfriend.

I'm the mistress. No, not the mistress.

The mastress.

The master. What do you call it?

Uh, pretty sure we're going to call it mistress.

What am I going to do? My girlfriend's married.

Do I ask her to get a divorce?

Ted, even if she is married, it's a Canadian marriage.

It's like their money, or their army.

Nobody takes it seriously.

It's serious to me.

You know what, in some countries,

if you been separated for longer than five years,

technically, you're no longer married.

I can check it out at the law library at school.

I can see my hand print on your face.

Don't get too cocky, Slappy.

I just got

a shipment of porn from Canada

I have to go through.

I won the bet. Why are you still searching?

Just because you were right doesn't mean I'm wrong.

Oh, right, like you need an excuse to watch porn.

Canadian porn.

Trust me when I tell you their universal health care system

doesn't cover breast implants.

If I have to sit through one more flat-chested Nova Scotian

riding a Mountie on the back of a Zamboni

I'll go oot of my mind.

Hey. Hey.

Listen, dude, I got to talk to you,

but you got to promise me that you won't tell Barney.

Fine, I won't tell Barney.

What is it?

Robin's not married.

What?

Why would she tell me she was?

I don't know, but I cross- checked every record in Canada.

There's no record of her ever being married.

There must be some mistake.

I promise you. She's not married.

She's not great at parking legally either.

So she lied to me? W--

What am I going to do?

I-I can't confront her, 'cause then

she'll know I told you.

You got to lawyer her.

You got to ask her a bunch of questions,

try to trip her up,

maybe make her feel guilty,

whatever it takes to get a confession out of her.

Thanks for telling me your secret.

It means so much to me, that you could be so--

God, what's the word I'm looking for? Honest.

Mm, thanks, Ted.

Yeah.

You know what's probably the best part about your honesty?

How truthful it is.

I say we just move on.

Well, for me to get total closure

on this whole "my girlfriend has a husband" thing,

I think I might need

a little bit more information,

like what month did you get married?

June.

We had a June wedding.

Ah, Canada in June.

That's the dream.

Mm-hmm.

Sit-down or buffet?

Um. Well, it's...

(chuckling): weird that you don't remember.

No, I just didn't know how to answer

because we did butlered hors d'oeuvres in the atrium,

but the actual dinner was a buffet in the Food Court

featuring a filet mignon

or a roasted potato-crusted salmon

with a lobster scallion beurre blanc.

Hmm.

Band or DJ?

A string quartet played at the ceremony,

but for the actual reception, we had a seven-piece band.

We paid extra for the sax

'cause I just love that smooth alto sound.

How many bridesmaids?

Seven. Flowers?

Azaleas. Color scheme?

Dusty rose and sienna.

Husband's name.

Um.

You were never married!

Yes, I was.

No, you weren't. How do you know?

I looked it up at the library.

What library?

The one on Fifth.

When did you go?

Today at lunch, and I had

an apple brie panini with potato salad...

I'm not questioning the lunch part, Ted.

What database did you use?

I used the Canadian Mall Marriage 6000.

Fine, Marshall looked it up at school.

You told Marshall?! You lied to me!

See, this is why I don't tell people secrets.

You were supposed to be

the one person I trusted

the most and even you couldn't keep a secret.

But it was a fake secret.

Yeah, I was testing you and you failed.

And now you're never gonna know why I don't go to the mall.

And it's good, too.

You were testing me?

That's insane. Oh, yeah?

How long did it take for you

to tell Marshall my biggest secret in the world?

Five minutes?

That wasn't a real secret! Yeah, but it could have been.

You are driving me crazy!

No wonder your fake husband moved to Hong Kong.

He moved there for business.

You.

You got something to say to me?

What are you talking about?

I know Robin was never really married.

How could you possibly know that?

And then I put on my pajamas and got into bed.

How about you?

Oh, let's see, uh, first I took the subway to school.

Then I got a bagel.

Then I went to the library

and found out Robin was never married. Crazy.

Then I was hungry again,

so I went down to the vending machine,

but by the time I got down there,

I wasn't even hungry anymore.

(laughing)

You told him?

I had to; I'm Slap Bet Commissioner.

Believe me,

this hurts me more than it's gonna hurt you.

Don't count on it.

I've been practicing on a tree trunk.

Barney gets three slaps. Three?

One because you lied and two for being prematurely slapped.

Three slaps.

But--

Oh, my God.

Are you gonna cry?

No.

(crying): You're gonna cry.

I just don't think it's healthy

to keep big secrets in a relationship.

My parents didn't really talk to each other for 30 years

and now they're divorced.

I have shared more of myself with you

than I've ever shared with anyone.

I'm asking

for this one secret, which has nothing to do with us,

to just be mine.

So I just got a very interesting phone call.

What are you talking about? I know Robin's secret.

What? That's right.

I know your secret, Robin.

Or should I say Robin Sparkles?

How do you know that name?

Because I know the truth,

and I am about to show it to you right now.

Gather 'round, Ted, you're gonna want to see this.

Yeah, no, I don't. What?

Robin wants to keep this a secret,

so it's gonna stay a secret.

Yeah, it's not gonna stay a secret.

You see, in my research,

I came upon a certain gentleman in Malaysia

who is in possession of a certain videotape.

He just e-mailed me

that it will be up and running on My Space in about...

(gasps) ...right now.

Robin's world is about to be turned upside-down.

I mean, I'm guessing.

Barney, don't, okay?

Robin, please don't panic.

I'm only gonna show enough to prove to Marshall I was right.

No, Barney, I said we're not watching this.

No, it's time.

Look, I appreciate what you're trying to do,

but if it's out there,

there's no point in trying to hide it anymore.

Let's just watch it and be done with it.

Are you as terrified as I am?

I don't want to get slapped again.

I want to stress that I was young.

Yeah, you were.

And I didn't know any better.

They never do.

And it started out as an innocent modeling job.

It always does.

Please, Mr. Johnson.

I'm sorry I was a bad girl.

Please don't give me detention.

Isn't there something I can do to make it up to you?

Oh, my God.

Well, obviously, I've been proven right,

so in the interest of Robin's dignity, I won't show anymore.

Plus, it's getting late.

It's already slap o'clock.

What the hell was that?

Uh, I slap bet Marshall that you did porn, so I win.

Porn? I wish it was porn.

It would be less embarrassing.

ROBIN (on video): I know.

How about I

sing you a song?

(synth-pop music plays)

Let's go to the mall, everybody!

(giggles)

I was a teenage pop star in Canada.

* Put on your jelly bracelets

* And your cool graffiti coat

* At the mall, having fun

* Is what it's all about

This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen.

That's you?

Yes, I had one minor hit.

I had to go all over Canada and sing this song in malls.

For a whole year,

I lived off of Orange Juliuses and Wetzel's Pretzels.

* Everybody come and play

* Throw every last care away

* Today

If this is the '90s, why does it look like 1986?

The '80s didn't come to Canada till, like, '93.

Taking a break from the first

of many, many viewings,

I can't help but notice

that this isn't porn.

And yet,

a slap occurred without the permission

of the Slap Bet Commissioner.

Looks like somebody suffered

from premature slapulation.

Oh, my God, Robin's rapping.

Guys, Robin's rapping.

* Went to the mall with a couple of friends *

* I had a whole week's allowance to spend *

Okay, I'm going to give you a choice.

Either ten slaps right now in a row,

or five slaps that can be doled out

at any point from here to eternity.

TED AND MARSHALL: Ooh...

You go with the ten now.

No way, why get ten when you can get five?

Yeah, but the constant fear of knowing that at any moment,

you could get slapped in the face, would drive you crazy.

I'm going to go with the five for eternity.

Good call. Horrible call.

Relax, dude, I'm just going for my soda, man.

Take it easy.

This is going to be fun.

* Let's go to the mall

* Let's go to the mall

* Today

So just to be clear,

you wanted everybody to go to the mall today?

Wow, we're going to watch this a lot.

I can't believe I ever wore a Bedazzled jean jacket.

Hey, just so you know,

16-year-old me would have been all over you.

You could have been the girlfriend in Canada I told everyone I had.

Hey, uh, I'm really sorry I pried this out of you.

I probably should have left it alone.

You know what?

You know me better now.

That feels kind of nice.

ALL: Aw...

That's one.

* Everybody come and play

* Throw every last care away

Wow.

* Let's go to the mall

(giggling)

(giggling)

Did you have to laugh like that every time?

Yes.

Love it.

* This boy I like

* Met him at the food court

* He's got hair like Gretzky

* And he does jumps on his skateboard *

* I hope he asks me out

* Take me to my favorite spot

* It'll be just him and me

ROBOTIC VOICE: * But don't forget the robot

The robot. Hey!

* But, baby, I don't want to wait *

* Let's do it

No, she doesn't want to wait.

* I'm gonna rock your body anyway *

* I'm gonna rock your body till Canada Day *

* Everybody come and play

* Throw every last care away

* Let's go to the mall

* Today, today, today, today

* Let's go to the mall

* Let's go to the ma-a-all

* Let's go to the mall

* Let's go to the ma-a-all

* Let's go to the mall

* Let's go to the ma-a-all

* Let's go to the mall

* Let's go to the ma-a-all

* Let's go to the mall

* Let's go to the ma-a-all

* Let's go to the mall

* Let's go to the ma-a-all

* Let's go to the mall

* Let's go to the ma-a-all.