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TED:
Kids, one of the things you'll
learn about relationships is
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00:00:04,538 --> 00:00:06,638
that you're never done getting
to know someone.
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00:00:06,674 --> 00:00:08,544
Everyone has secrets.
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00:00:08,576 --> 00:00:09,436
Some are nice.
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00:00:09,477 --> 00:00:11,477
You know how
to make crepes?
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00:00:12,280 --> 00:00:14,350
That is so cool.
Mm.
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00:00:16,016 --> 00:00:17,686
Some aren't as nice.
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00:00:17,718 --> 00:00:20,388
And then there was Derek,
and counting you,
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00:00:20,421 --> 00:00:22,891
that puts the total
up to--
Oh, I got your total.
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00:00:22,923 --> 00:00:25,863
I've been counting along.
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00:00:25,893 --> 00:00:28,633
And some are just weird.
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00:00:28,662 --> 00:00:31,272
You're scared of
the seven dwarfs?
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00:00:31,299 --> 00:00:33,069
Just Doc. He's creepy.
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00:00:33,101 --> 00:00:34,801
I mean the guy went
to medical school.
15
00:00:34,835 --> 00:00:37,265
What's he doing living
with six coal miners?
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00:00:37,971 --> 00:00:39,511
Oh, man! I'm so excited.
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00:00:39,540 --> 00:00:40,870
I couldn't sleep last night.
I bet you guys couldn't either.
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00:00:40,908 --> 00:00:41,878
Why?
Uh...
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00:00:41,909 --> 00:00:43,309
Only the Gala event
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00:00:43,344 --> 00:00:45,784
for the Grand Opening
of Sharper Image's 500th store.
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00:00:45,813 --> 00:00:46,753
Didn't you get my e-mail?
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00:00:46,780 --> 00:00:48,250
No, I blocked your address
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00:00:48,282 --> 00:00:50,152
after the fourth time
you sent me the video
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00:00:50,184 --> 00:00:52,254
of the monkey
sniffing his own butt.
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00:00:52,286 --> 00:00:53,746
Come on! It's on me.
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00:00:53,787 --> 00:00:55,057
I'm buying three of you
foot massagers
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00:00:55,089 --> 00:00:56,589
and one of you
a nose hair trimmer.
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00:00:56,624 --> 00:00:57,594
You know who you are.
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00:00:57,625 --> 00:00:58,555
Come on,
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00:00:58,592 --> 00:00:59,262
let's go.
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00:00:59,293 --> 00:01:00,363
Okay, I'm in.
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00:01:00,394 --> 00:01:01,534
To the Willowbrook Mall!
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00:01:01,562 --> 00:01:02,862
GUYS:
To the Willowbrook Mall.
Oh, it's
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00:01:02,896 --> 00:01:03,656
at a mall?
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00:01:04,665 --> 00:01:05,625
I'm not going.
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00:01:05,666 --> 00:01:06,426
What? Why not?
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00:01:06,467 --> 00:01:07,697
I just don't feel like
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00:01:07,735 --> 00:01:08,935
going to a mall.
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00:01:08,969 --> 00:01:10,939
We can split a Cinnabon.
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00:01:10,971 --> 00:01:12,411
No, I'm really
not going to go.
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00:01:12,440 --> 00:01:13,440
Come on, it'll be fun.
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00:01:13,474 --> 00:01:15,084
No, I don't go to malls!
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00:01:17,278 --> 00:01:19,578
Sorry, I just don't like malls.
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00:01:19,613 --> 00:01:21,153
Why not?
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00:01:21,182 --> 00:01:23,682
I'd rather not say.
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00:01:23,717 --> 00:01:25,787
Sharper Images.
But that's where
clothes live.
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00:01:25,819 --> 00:01:28,019
Guys, guys, guys,
Robin doesn't like malls.
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00:01:28,055 --> 00:01:30,055
If she doesn't want to tell us
why, she doesn't have to.
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00:01:30,090 --> 00:01:31,160
I think we should all
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00:01:31,192 --> 00:01:32,792
just respect her privacy.
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00:01:32,826 --> 00:01:34,256
Thanks, Ted.
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00:01:34,295 --> 00:01:36,025
So, what's the deal
with you and malls?
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00:01:36,063 --> 00:01:37,103
I thought you said that,
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00:01:37,131 --> 00:01:39,371
if I didn't want to talk
about it, I didn't have to.
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00:01:39,400 --> 00:01:40,770
Yeah, with those people.
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00:01:40,801 --> 00:01:42,601
But I'm your boyfriend.
Come on. What is it?
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00:01:42,636 --> 00:01:44,096
Did you get arrested
at a mall?
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00:01:44,138 --> 00:01:45,068
No.
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00:01:45,105 --> 00:01:46,735
Dumped at a mall?
Ted.
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00:01:46,774 --> 00:01:48,284
Found out you were
Canadian at a mall?
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00:01:48,309 --> 00:01:50,909
Let it go.
Trapped under
a fake boulder
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00:01:50,944 --> 00:01:52,614
at a mall?
Let it go.
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00:01:52,646 --> 00:01:53,846
Mauled at the mall?
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00:01:53,881 --> 00:01:55,651
Let it go!
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00:01:55,683 --> 00:01:57,123
And who gets trapped
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00:01:57,151 --> 00:01:59,121
under a fake boulder
at the mall?
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00:01:59,153 --> 00:02:02,223
Not me in Ohio
when I was nine,
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00:02:02,256 --> 00:02:04,586
that's for sure. Ha.
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00:02:19,873 --> 00:02:20,913
I don't get it.
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00:02:20,941 --> 00:02:23,181
Why won't Robin tell me
why she hates malls?
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00:02:23,211 --> 00:02:25,311
Ted, you should be happy
Robin has a secret.
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00:02:25,346 --> 00:02:27,216
The more you learn
about a person,
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00:02:27,248 --> 00:02:28,748
the better chance
you have of hitting
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00:02:28,782 --> 00:02:29,982
the fatal "Oh" moment.
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00:02:30,017 --> 00:02:31,247
The "Oh" Moment?
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00:02:31,285 --> 00:02:34,355
Yeah, that moment when you
find out that one detail
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00:02:34,388 --> 00:02:37,118
about a person that is going
to be a deal breaker.
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00:02:37,157 --> 00:02:39,387
It's a promise ring.
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00:02:39,427 --> 00:02:42,027
I made a pact with God to stay
a virgin till I'm married.
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00:02:42,062 --> 00:02:45,132
Oh.
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00:02:45,165 --> 00:02:46,565
I don't have an eating disorder.
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00:02:46,600 --> 00:02:48,570
It's just when I put food
in my mouth,
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00:02:48,602 --> 00:02:50,672
I chew it,
and then I spit it out.
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00:02:50,704 --> 00:02:52,844
Oh.
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00:02:52,873 --> 00:02:56,583
I just turned 30.
Oh.
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00:02:56,610 --> 00:02:57,810
So trust me,
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00:02:57,845 --> 00:03:00,745
you want to postpone knowing
anything about each other
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00:03:00,781 --> 00:03:03,081
for as long as possible.
Mm. I disagree.
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00:03:03,116 --> 00:03:04,386
If there is some
potential "Oh" moment,
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00:03:04,418 --> 00:03:06,588
I want to know about it
right away.
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00:03:06,620 --> 00:03:07,760
I mean, what's
the alternative?
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00:03:07,788 --> 00:03:10,658
I now pronounce you,
man and wife.
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00:03:13,627 --> 00:03:14,857
I love you.
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00:03:14,895 --> 00:03:17,525
I used to be a dude.
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00:03:18,966 --> 00:03:20,666
Yeah, I agree with Ted.
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00:03:20,701 --> 00:03:23,471
In a real relationship,
you share everything.
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00:03:23,504 --> 00:03:26,144
That's why Marshall and
I don't keep any secrets.
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00:03:26,173 --> 00:03:27,683
You are such a cutie pie.
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00:03:27,708 --> 00:03:30,038
Here's a quarter. Go play
a song on the jukebox.
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00:03:30,077 --> 00:03:31,037
No, it's true.
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00:03:31,078 --> 00:03:32,308
They tell each other
everything.
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00:03:32,346 --> 00:03:34,416
I can think of
tons of things,
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00:03:34,448 --> 00:03:35,618
there's no way
Marshall's told you.
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00:03:35,649 --> 00:03:37,989
Try me.
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00:03:38,018 --> 00:03:40,088
Do you know about the time
Marshall was in Trenton?
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00:03:40,120 --> 00:03:41,690
Donkey ate his pants. Yup.
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00:03:41,722 --> 00:03:43,362
Bill's bachelor
party in Memphis?
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00:03:43,391 --> 00:03:44,761
Oh, when they had
to pump out
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00:03:44,792 --> 00:03:46,292
all the nickels
from his stomach?
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00:03:46,327 --> 00:03:48,297
Wow. Okay. Seattle.
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00:03:48,329 --> 00:03:49,559
Trick question.
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00:03:49,597 --> 00:03:51,397
Marshall's never been
to the Pacific Northwest
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00:03:51,432 --> 00:03:53,132
because he's afraid
of Sasquatch.
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00:03:53,166 --> 00:03:54,936
Damn.
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00:03:54,968 --> 00:03:56,398
I'm not afraid of Sasquatch,
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00:03:56,437 --> 00:03:59,037
I just think we should
all be on alert.
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Trust me.
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00:04:00,374 --> 00:04:01,684
Not only do they tell
each other everything,
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00:04:01,709 --> 00:04:03,709
they want to know everything.
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00:04:03,744 --> 00:04:05,484
So after the shower
I was brushing my teeth.
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00:04:05,513 --> 00:04:06,713
And I was like, "Oh, man!
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00:04:06,747 --> 00:04:08,217
I wanted to have
some orange juice.
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00:04:08,248 --> 00:04:09,548
I should have
done that first."
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00:04:09,583 --> 00:04:11,323
But I already had the
toothpaste on the toothbrush.
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00:04:11,352 --> 00:04:13,222
So I just went ahead
and brushed them anyway.
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00:04:13,253 --> 00:04:15,463
What happened next?
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00:04:18,326 --> 00:04:20,156
Yeah, meanwhile,
Robin tells me nothing.
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00:04:20,193 --> 00:04:21,463
Fine.
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00:04:21,495 --> 00:04:23,625
Do you want to know what
Robin's secret is?
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00:04:23,664 --> 00:04:24,504
You know?
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00:04:24,532 --> 00:04:26,002
Of course I know.
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00:04:26,033 --> 00:04:27,073
She couldn't look at us,
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00:04:27,100 --> 00:04:29,570
her face got flushed--
that's shame, my friend.
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00:04:29,603 --> 00:04:34,043
Our friend Robin used to
do porn, wait for it...
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00:04:34,074 --> 00:04:36,044
...ography.
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00:04:36,076 --> 00:04:38,646
Yeah, we didn't really
need to wait for that.
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00:04:38,679 --> 00:04:40,709
And it's ridiculous.
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00:04:40,748 --> 00:04:42,478
I don't know.
He could be right.
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00:04:42,516 --> 00:04:45,086
She does have the fake
orgasm noises down.
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00:04:45,118 --> 00:04:45,988
Hey!
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00:04:46,019 --> 00:04:47,489
What? The walls are thin.
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00:04:47,521 --> 00:04:50,261
That's not what
I'm "hey"ing you about.
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00:04:50,290 --> 00:04:51,860
You know what it might be?
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00:04:51,892 --> 00:04:52,792
This is going to sound
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00:04:52,826 --> 00:04:55,796
a little crazy but what
if Robin is married?
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00:04:55,829 --> 00:04:56,859
Married?
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00:04:56,897 --> 00:04:58,697
What does that have
to do with the mall?
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00:04:58,732 --> 00:05:01,132
Well, maybe she got
married at the mall.
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00:05:01,168 --> 00:05:02,198
Back home
in Minnesota,
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00:05:02,235 --> 00:05:04,065
a ton of people get married
at the Mall of America.
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00:05:04,104 --> 00:05:05,544
It's great.
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00:05:05,573 --> 00:05:07,883
There's this gorgeous indoor
golf course for pictures,
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00:05:07,908 --> 00:05:10,478
numerous fine dining options,
and talk about a reasonable--
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00:05:10,511 --> 00:05:12,151
We are not getting married
at the mall!
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00:05:12,179 --> 00:05:13,749
Well, just meet
with the guy.
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00:05:13,781 --> 00:05:16,221
She's not married.
Robin hates marriage.
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00:05:16,249 --> 00:05:18,289
Because she already got married.
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00:05:18,318 --> 00:05:19,948
At the mall.
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00:05:19,987 --> 00:05:21,047
No,
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00:05:21,088 --> 00:05:23,388
because before Robin moved
to New York, she...
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00:05:23,424 --> 00:05:25,294
What was she doing?
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00:05:25,325 --> 00:05:26,655
Well, I don't know.
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00:05:26,694 --> 00:05:29,334
Whenever I ask her about Canada,
she kind of clams up.
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00:05:29,363 --> 00:05:31,733
She's a pretty
private person.
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00:05:31,765 --> 00:05:34,225
Except when she's talking
about...
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00:05:34,267 --> 00:05:36,967
Oh, a friend of mine in Canada
got married way too young
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00:05:37,004 --> 00:05:39,644
and it really turned her off
to marriage.
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00:05:39,673 --> 00:05:41,383
What do you think
of this wedding cake?
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00:05:41,409 --> 00:05:42,679
Oh, I like it.
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00:05:42,710 --> 00:05:44,580
Hey, you remember that friend
of mine in Canada
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00:05:44,612 --> 00:05:45,882
who got married way too young?
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00:05:45,913 --> 00:05:48,983
Her wedding cake was a
Mrs. Field's giant cookie.
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00:05:50,818 --> 00:05:51,588
No.
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00:05:53,954 --> 00:05:55,824
My friend in Canada
who got married
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00:05:55,856 --> 00:05:58,126
way too young, they had
to do their vows twice,
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00:05:58,158 --> 00:05:59,228
once in French.
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00:05:59,259 --> 00:06:00,689
They speak French there, too?
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00:06:00,728 --> 00:06:02,428
God, that place is a mess.
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00:06:04,031 --> 00:06:06,701
So you don't think there's
any "friend" from Canada?
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00:06:06,734 --> 00:06:08,104
Oh, I'm sure there is.
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00:06:08,135 --> 00:06:09,335
Just like I have a "friend"
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00:06:09,369 --> 00:06:11,069
who wet his bed
till he was ten.
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00:06:11,104 --> 00:06:13,114
Use your brain, Ted.
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00:06:15,576 --> 00:06:17,406
Guys, there's no way
Robin is married.
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00:06:17,445 --> 00:06:19,075
It's ludicrous to
even suggest it.
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00:06:19,112 --> 00:06:21,212
Thank you, Barney.
'Cause it's porn.
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00:06:21,248 --> 00:06:22,918
I need another beer.
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00:06:22,950 --> 00:06:24,650
Robin was not in porn.
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00:06:24,685 --> 00:06:26,285
I bet you anything
that she's married.
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00:06:26,319 --> 00:06:28,019
$20,000 says it's porn.
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00:06:28,055 --> 00:06:29,085
I don't have $20,000.
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00:06:29,122 --> 00:06:30,122
Well, then what do you have?
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00:06:32,192 --> 00:06:33,932
Well...
No.
194
00:06:33,961 --> 00:06:35,531
I've got it.
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00:06:35,563 --> 00:06:38,173
The ultimate wager--
slap bet.
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00:06:38,198 --> 00:06:40,698
Oh, slap bet.
We used to do those
when I was a kid.
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00:06:40,734 --> 00:06:41,804
What the hell's a slap bet?
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00:06:41,835 --> 00:06:43,395
Whoever is right gets
to slap the other person
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00:06:43,437 --> 00:06:44,867
in the face as hard
as they possibly can--
200
00:06:44,905 --> 00:06:45,805
but no rings.
201
00:06:45,839 --> 00:06:48,039
Are you really
going to do that?
202
00:06:48,075 --> 00:06:50,235
That's so immature.
You can be Slap Bet
Commissioner.
203
00:06:50,277 --> 00:06:51,747
Ooh, I love it.
What are my powers?
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00:06:51,779 --> 00:06:54,149
Um, if a problem arises
and we need a ruling,
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00:06:54,181 --> 00:06:55,251
that's your job.
But...
206
00:06:55,282 --> 00:06:56,522
you have to be unbiased
207
00:06:56,550 --> 00:06:59,590
and put the integrity
of slap bet above all else.
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00:06:59,620 --> 00:07:02,660
This is an honor you will take
with you to your grave.
209
00:07:02,690 --> 00:07:04,060
On your tombstone, it will read,
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00:07:04,091 --> 00:07:07,431
"Lily Aldrin, caring wife,
loving friend,
211
00:07:07,461 --> 00:07:09,701
Slap Bet Commissioner."
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00:07:09,730 --> 00:07:11,600
And your tombstone
will read
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00:07:11,632 --> 00:07:14,172
"Got slapped by Marshall,
so hard he died."
214
00:07:15,503 --> 00:07:17,073
Okay.
215
00:07:17,104 --> 00:07:19,914
What if I just ask Robin point
blank if she has a husband?
216
00:07:19,940 --> 00:07:22,340
You said you would
respect her privacy,
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00:07:22,375 --> 00:07:24,505
so maybe you should
just drop it.
218
00:07:24,545 --> 00:07:26,175
Yeah, you're right.
219
00:07:28,248 --> 00:07:30,718
Husband.
220
00:07:30,751 --> 00:07:32,891
There's no "P" in husband.
221
00:07:32,920 --> 00:07:36,160
Wow, you seem to know a lot
about husbands.
222
00:07:36,189 --> 00:07:38,529
Fine. I'll
take it back.
223
00:07:38,559 --> 00:07:40,489
Oh, hey, since you
mentioned husbands,
224
00:07:40,528 --> 00:07:42,058
this is great,
you're going to love this.
225
00:07:42,095 --> 00:07:43,995
Marshall, you know Marshall.
He thinks that the reason
226
00:07:44,031 --> 00:07:45,831
you didn't want to go to
the mall the other day
227
00:07:45,866 --> 00:07:47,596
is because you got married
at a mall
228
00:07:47,635 --> 00:07:49,765
and have a husband in Canada.
229
00:07:49,803 --> 00:07:51,243
Huh.
230
00:07:51,271 --> 00:07:53,711
I told him he's crazy.
Because he's crazy, right?
231
00:07:53,741 --> 00:07:55,941
I mean, how crazy is that?
232
00:07:55,976 --> 00:07:58,506
Are you asking me
if I'm married?
233
00:07:58,546 --> 00:07:59,576
Well, you can ask me.
234
00:07:59,613 --> 00:08:01,883
Nope, I'm not married.
Your turn.
235
00:08:01,915 --> 00:08:04,045
What happened
to respecting my privacy?
236
00:08:04,084 --> 00:08:06,654
Look, just say,
"No, I'm not married."
237
00:08:06,687 --> 00:08:08,487
Ted, I don't understand
why you can't--
Just
238
00:08:08,522 --> 00:08:11,162
say, "No, I'm not married."
239
00:08:11,191 --> 00:08:11,991
I can't.
240
00:08:13,093 --> 00:08:14,563
Marshall's right.
241
00:08:15,696 --> 00:08:19,596
I was young and I got married.
242
00:08:19,633 --> 00:08:22,203
It was a mistake
and he moved away, but... yeah.
243
00:08:22,235 --> 00:08:24,835
I'm married.
244
00:08:25,839 --> 00:08:27,839
Oh.
245
00:08:33,246 --> 00:08:35,176
You have a husband?
246
00:08:35,215 --> 00:08:37,015
I was young and stupid
247
00:08:37,050 --> 00:08:40,490
and we got married at a mall
and we broke up at a mall
248
00:08:40,520 --> 00:08:42,990
and I... I haven't been
to a mall since.
249
00:08:43,023 --> 00:08:44,263
Why didn't you get divorced?
250
00:08:44,291 --> 00:08:46,961
He moved to Hong Kong for work
and I was like...
251
00:08:46,994 --> 00:08:47,904
eh, good enough.
252
00:08:47,928 --> 00:08:50,328
Good enough? That's
not good enough.
253
00:08:50,363 --> 00:08:53,603
You order pancakes, you get
waffles, that's good enough.
254
00:08:53,634 --> 00:08:56,444
Look, I haven't seen him
in years.
255
00:08:56,469 --> 00:08:57,539
(sighs)
It's just
256
00:08:57,571 --> 00:08:59,571
a part of my life
I want to forget.
257
00:08:59,607 --> 00:09:02,737
Just please don't tell
anyone about this.
258
00:09:03,577 --> 00:09:05,877
Okay.
259
00:09:08,281 --> 00:09:11,691
Dude, your hand is monstrous.
Yeah, well,
260
00:09:11,719 --> 00:09:13,289
what'd you expect?
You've seen my penis.
261
00:09:15,288 --> 00:09:18,158
I can't believe you told us
Robin's secret.
262
00:09:18,191 --> 00:09:19,231
What?
263
00:09:19,259 --> 00:09:20,729
How could I keep something
like that to myself?
264
00:09:20,761 --> 00:09:22,361
And you begged me to tell you.
265
00:09:22,395 --> 00:09:23,255
No, I didn't.
266
00:09:24,364 --> 00:09:25,404
Please tell us.
267
00:09:25,432 --> 00:09:26,472
Just tell us.
I'm begging you.
268
00:09:26,499 --> 00:09:28,039
Tell us. Tell us. Tell us.
269
00:09:28,068 --> 00:09:30,068
Please please please please
please please--
Fine.
270
00:09:30,103 --> 00:09:31,043
Robin's married.
271
00:09:33,406 --> 00:09:35,576
Yeah, well, you still
shouldn't have told us.
272
00:09:35,609 --> 00:09:37,339
I mean, what kind
of boyfriend are you?
273
00:09:37,377 --> 00:09:39,277
See that's just it,
I'm not the boyfriend.
274
00:09:39,312 --> 00:09:42,182
I'm the mistress.
No, not the mistress.
275
00:09:42,215 --> 00:09:43,615
The mastress.
276
00:09:43,651 --> 00:09:45,151
The master. What
do you call it?
277
00:09:45,185 --> 00:09:47,755
Uh, pretty sure we're going
to call it mistress.
278
00:09:48,989 --> 00:09:51,489
What am I going to do?
My girlfriend's married.
279
00:09:51,524 --> 00:09:53,534
Do I ask her to
get a divorce?
280
00:09:53,560 --> 00:09:56,300
Ted, even if she is married,
it's a Canadian marriage.
281
00:09:56,329 --> 00:09:58,429
It's like their money,
or their army.
282
00:09:58,465 --> 00:10:00,325
Nobody takes it seriously.
283
00:10:00,367 --> 00:10:01,837
It's serious to me.
284
00:10:01,869 --> 00:10:03,139
You know what,
in some countries,
285
00:10:03,170 --> 00:10:05,010
if you been separated for
longer than five years,
286
00:10:05,038 --> 00:10:06,308
technically, you're
no longer married.
287
00:10:06,339 --> 00:10:08,839
I can check it out at the
law library at school.
288
00:10:10,778 --> 00:10:14,048
I can see my hand
print on your face.
289
00:10:14,081 --> 00:10:16,381
Don't get too cocky, Slappy.
290
00:10:16,416 --> 00:10:17,076
I just got
291
00:10:17,117 --> 00:10:18,487
a shipment of porn
from Canada
292
00:10:18,518 --> 00:10:19,618
I have to go through.
293
00:10:19,653 --> 00:10:21,593
I won the bet. Why are
you still searching?
294
00:10:21,621 --> 00:10:23,391
Just because you were right
doesn't mean I'm wrong.
295
00:10:23,423 --> 00:10:27,193
Oh, right, like you need
an excuse to watch porn.
296
00:10:27,227 --> 00:10:28,897
Canadian porn.
297
00:10:28,929 --> 00:10:31,559
Trust me when I tell you their
universal health care system
298
00:10:31,598 --> 00:10:33,898
doesn't cover breast implants.
299
00:10:33,934 --> 00:10:37,204
If I have to sit through one
more flat-chested Nova Scotian
300
00:10:37,237 --> 00:10:39,467
riding a Mountie
on the back of a Zamboni
301
00:10:39,506 --> 00:10:42,176
I'll go oot of my mind.
302
00:10:44,644 --> 00:10:47,014
Hey.
Hey.
303
00:10:47,047 --> 00:10:49,377
Listen, dude, I got
to talk to you,
304
00:10:49,416 --> 00:10:51,786
but you got to promise me
that you won't tell Barney.
305
00:10:51,819 --> 00:10:53,119
Fine, I won't tell Barney.
306
00:10:53,153 --> 00:10:54,123
What is it?
307
00:10:55,956 --> 00:10:57,216
Robin's not married.
308
00:10:57,257 --> 00:10:58,457
What?
309
00:10:58,491 --> 00:10:59,961
Why would she tell me
she was?
310
00:10:59,993 --> 00:11:02,063
I don't know, but I cross-
checked every record in Canada.
311
00:11:02,095 --> 00:11:03,825
There's no record of her
ever being married.
312
00:11:03,864 --> 00:11:04,974
There must be some mistake.
313
00:11:04,998 --> 00:11:06,968
I promise you.
She's not married.
314
00:11:07,000 --> 00:11:09,400
She's not great
at parking legally either.
315
00:11:09,436 --> 00:11:11,666
So she lied to me? W--
316
00:11:11,705 --> 00:11:13,065
What am I going to do?
317
00:11:13,106 --> 00:11:14,736
I-I can't confront her,
'cause then
318
00:11:14,775 --> 00:11:16,275
she'll know I told you.
319
00:11:16,309 --> 00:11:18,579
You got to lawyer her.
320
00:11:18,611 --> 00:11:19,781
You got to ask her
a bunch of questions,
321
00:11:19,813 --> 00:11:20,813
try to trip her up,
322
00:11:20,848 --> 00:11:22,018
maybe make her feel guilty,
323
00:11:22,049 --> 00:11:23,879
whatever it takes to get
a confession out of her.
324
00:11:25,285 --> 00:11:27,345
Thanks for telling
me your secret.
325
00:11:27,387 --> 00:11:30,217
It means so much to me,
that you could be so--
326
00:11:30,257 --> 00:11:33,287
God, what's the word
I'm looking for? Honest.
327
00:11:33,326 --> 00:11:34,356
Mm, thanks, Ted.
328
00:11:34,394 --> 00:11:35,604
Yeah.
329
00:11:35,628 --> 00:11:37,258
You know what's probably the
best part about your honesty?
330
00:11:37,297 --> 00:11:39,427
How truthful it is.
331
00:11:39,466 --> 00:11:41,566
I say we just move on.
332
00:11:41,601 --> 00:11:43,541
Well, for me to
get total closure
333
00:11:43,570 --> 00:11:46,470
on this whole "my girlfriend
has a husband" thing,
334
00:11:46,506 --> 00:11:47,666
I think I might need
335
00:11:47,707 --> 00:11:48,707
a little bit more information,
336
00:11:48,742 --> 00:11:50,112
like what month
did you get married?
337
00:11:50,143 --> 00:11:50,983
June.
338
00:11:51,011 --> 00:11:52,551
We had a June wedding.
339
00:11:52,579 --> 00:11:54,449
Ah, Canada in June.
340
00:11:54,481 --> 00:11:55,551
That's the dream.
341
00:11:55,582 --> 00:11:56,852
Mm-hmm.
342
00:11:56,884 --> 00:11:58,924
Sit-down or buffet?
343
00:11:58,952 --> 00:12:00,422
Um.
Well, it's...
344
00:12:00,453 --> 00:12:02,963
(chuckling):
weird that you don't remember.
345
00:12:02,990 --> 00:12:05,160
No, I just didn't know
how to answer
346
00:12:05,192 --> 00:12:08,162
because we did butlered
hors d'oeuvres in the atrium,
347
00:12:08,195 --> 00:12:10,825
but the actual dinner was
a buffet in the Food Court
348
00:12:10,864 --> 00:12:11,904
featuring a filet mignon
349
00:12:11,932 --> 00:12:14,632
or a roasted
potato-crusted salmon
350
00:12:14,667 --> 00:12:16,737
with a lobster scallion
beurre blanc.
351
00:12:17,637 --> 00:12:20,167
Hmm.
352
00:12:20,207 --> 00:12:21,367
Band or DJ?
353
00:12:21,408 --> 00:12:23,908
A string quartet played
at the ceremony,
354
00:12:23,944 --> 00:12:26,884
but for the actual reception,
we had a seven-piece band.
355
00:12:26,914 --> 00:12:28,524
We paid extra
for the sax
356
00:12:28,548 --> 00:12:31,788
'cause I just love
that smooth alto sound.
357
00:12:31,819 --> 00:12:33,249
How many bridesmaids?
358
00:12:33,286 --> 00:12:34,546
Seven.
Flowers?
359
00:12:34,587 --> 00:12:35,887
Azaleas.
Color scheme?
360
00:12:35,923 --> 00:12:37,593
Dusty rose and sienna.
361
00:12:37,624 --> 00:12:40,334
Husband's name.
362
00:12:40,360 --> 00:12:41,390
Um.
363
00:12:41,428 --> 00:12:42,858
You were never married!
364
00:12:42,896 --> 00:12:43,956
Yes, I was.
365
00:12:43,997 --> 00:12:45,697
No, you weren't.
How do you know?
366
00:12:45,732 --> 00:12:46,802
I looked it up
at the library.
367
00:12:46,834 --> 00:12:47,874
What library?
368
00:12:47,901 --> 00:12:50,541
The one on Fifth.
369
00:12:50,570 --> 00:12:51,670
When did you go?
370
00:12:51,704 --> 00:12:52,774
Today at lunch, and I had
371
00:12:52,806 --> 00:12:54,166
an apple brie panini
with potato salad...
372
00:12:54,207 --> 00:12:56,737
I'm not questioning
the lunch part, Ted.
373
00:12:56,776 --> 00:12:58,376
What database did you use?
374
00:12:58,411 --> 00:13:02,781
I used the Canadian
Mall Marriage 6000.
375
00:13:03,917 --> 00:13:06,047
Fine, Marshall looked
it up at school.
376
00:13:06,086 --> 00:13:08,156
You told Marshall?!
You lied to me!
377
00:13:08,188 --> 00:13:09,688
See, this is why I don't
tell people secrets.
378
00:13:09,722 --> 00:13:10,692
You were supposed to be
379
00:13:10,723 --> 00:13:12,033
the one person I trusted
380
00:13:12,059 --> 00:13:14,589
the most and even you
couldn't keep a secret.
381
00:13:14,627 --> 00:13:15,457
But it was a fake secret.
382
00:13:15,495 --> 00:13:17,625
Yeah, I was testing
you and you failed.
383
00:13:17,664 --> 00:13:20,104
And now you're never gonna know
why I don't go to the mall.
384
00:13:20,133 --> 00:13:21,943
And it's good, too.
385
00:13:21,969 --> 00:13:23,239
You were testing me?
386
00:13:23,270 --> 00:13:24,540
That's insane.
Oh, yeah?
387
00:13:24,571 --> 00:13:26,271
How long did it take for you
388
00:13:26,306 --> 00:13:27,976
to tell Marshall
my biggest secret in the world?
389
00:13:28,008 --> 00:13:29,578
Five minutes?
390
00:13:29,609 --> 00:13:32,079
That wasn't a
real secret!
Yeah, but it
could have been.
391
00:13:32,112 --> 00:13:34,012
You are driving me crazy!
392
00:13:34,047 --> 00:13:35,917
No wonder your fake
husband moved to Hong Kong.
393
00:13:35,949 --> 00:13:38,149
He moved there for business.
394
00:13:39,686 --> 00:13:40,816
You.
395
00:13:40,854 --> 00:13:42,094
You got something to say to me?
396
00:13:42,122 --> 00:13:44,162
What are you talking about?
397
00:13:44,191 --> 00:13:46,991
I know Robin was never
really married.
398
00:13:47,027 --> 00:13:49,897
How could you possibly
know that?
399
00:13:54,301 --> 00:13:57,501
And then I put on my
pajamas and got into bed.
400
00:13:57,537 --> 00:13:58,737
How about you?
401
00:13:58,771 --> 00:14:02,681
Oh, let's see, uh, first
I took the subway to school.
402
00:14:02,709 --> 00:14:03,739
Then I got a bagel.
403
00:14:03,776 --> 00:14:05,046
Then I went
to the library
404
00:14:05,078 --> 00:14:07,178
and found out Robin
was never married. Crazy.
405
00:14:07,214 --> 00:14:08,284
Then I was hungry again,
406
00:14:08,315 --> 00:14:09,415
so I went down
to the vending machine,
407
00:14:09,449 --> 00:14:10,779
but by the time
I got down there,
408
00:14:10,817 --> 00:14:12,247
I wasn't even hungry
anymore.
409
00:14:12,285 --> 00:14:14,285
(laughing)
410
00:14:14,321 --> 00:14:15,221
You told him?
411
00:14:15,255 --> 00:14:17,815
I had to;
I'm Slap Bet Commissioner.
412
00:14:17,857 --> 00:14:19,287
Believe me,
413
00:14:19,326 --> 00:14:21,456
this hurts me more
than it's gonna hurt you.
414
00:14:21,494 --> 00:14:22,434
Don't count on it.
415
00:14:22,462 --> 00:14:24,062
I've been practicing
on a tree trunk.
416
00:14:25,365 --> 00:14:28,235
Barney gets three slaps.
Three?
417
00:14:28,268 --> 00:14:31,968
One because you lied and two
for being prematurely slapped.
418
00:14:32,005 --> 00:14:33,335
Three slaps.
419
00:14:33,373 --> 00:14:35,083
But--
420
00:14:38,478 --> 00:14:40,378
Oh, my God.
421
00:14:40,413 --> 00:14:41,413
Are you gonna cry?
422
00:14:41,448 --> 00:14:42,978
No.
423
00:14:43,016 --> 00:14:45,646
(crying):
You're gonna cry.
424
00:14:46,954 --> 00:14:48,064
I just don't think
it's healthy
425
00:14:48,088 --> 00:14:49,858
to keep big secrets
in a relationship.
426
00:14:49,889 --> 00:14:52,159
My parents didn't really talk
to each other for 30 years
427
00:14:52,192 --> 00:14:53,262
and now they're divorced.
428
00:14:53,293 --> 00:14:55,103
I have shared more
of myself with you
429
00:14:55,128 --> 00:14:56,628
than I've ever shared
with anyone.
430
00:14:56,663 --> 00:14:58,073
I'm asking
431
00:14:58,098 --> 00:15:01,468
for this one secret, which
has nothing to do with us,
432
00:15:01,501 --> 00:15:03,001
to just be mine.
433
00:15:05,238 --> 00:15:07,608
So I just got a very
interesting phone call.
434
00:15:07,640 --> 00:15:10,980
What are you
talking about?
I know Robin's secret.
435
00:15:11,011 --> 00:15:12,711
What?
That's right.
436
00:15:12,745 --> 00:15:14,275
I know your
secret, Robin.
437
00:15:14,314 --> 00:15:17,994
Or should I say
Robin Sparkles?
438
00:15:18,018 --> 00:15:19,988
How do you know that name?
439
00:15:20,020 --> 00:15:22,260
Because I know the truth,
440
00:15:22,289 --> 00:15:24,319
and I am about to show
it to you right now.
441
00:15:24,357 --> 00:15:26,227
Gather 'round, Ted,
you're gonna want to see this.
442
00:15:26,259 --> 00:15:28,399
Yeah, no, I don't.
What?
443
00:15:28,428 --> 00:15:30,098
Robin wants to keep this
a secret,
444
00:15:30,130 --> 00:15:32,370
so it's gonna stay a secret.
445
00:15:33,533 --> 00:15:35,303
Yeah, it's not gonna stay
a secret.
446
00:15:35,335 --> 00:15:37,095
You see, in
my research,
447
00:15:37,137 --> 00:15:39,407
I came upon a certain gentleman
in Malaysia
448
00:15:39,439 --> 00:15:41,809
who is in possession
of a certain videotape.
449
00:15:41,841 --> 00:15:43,411
He just e-mailed me
450
00:15:43,443 --> 00:15:46,113
that it will be up and running
on My Space in about...
451
00:15:46,146 --> 00:15:47,706
(gasps)
...right now.
452
00:15:49,282 --> 00:15:52,752
Robin's world is about
to be turned upside-down.
453
00:15:52,785 --> 00:15:54,115
I mean, I'm guessing.
454
00:15:54,154 --> 00:15:55,224
Barney, don't, okay?
455
00:15:55,255 --> 00:15:57,315
Robin, please don't panic.
456
00:15:57,357 --> 00:15:59,727
I'm only gonna show enough to
prove to Marshall I was right.
457
00:15:59,759 --> 00:16:01,559
No, Barney, I said
we're not watching this.
458
00:16:01,594 --> 00:16:03,464
No, it's time.
459
00:16:03,496 --> 00:16:05,666
Look, I appreciate
what you're trying to do,
460
00:16:05,698 --> 00:16:06,768
but if it's out there,
461
00:16:06,799 --> 00:16:09,669
there's no point in trying
to hide it anymore.
462
00:16:09,702 --> 00:16:11,302
Let's just watch it
and be done with it.
463
00:16:12,172 --> 00:16:14,442
Are you as terrified
as I am?
464
00:16:14,474 --> 00:16:17,044
I don't want to
get slapped again.
465
00:16:19,179 --> 00:16:21,749
I want to stress
that I was young.
466
00:16:21,781 --> 00:16:23,251
Yeah, you were.
467
00:16:23,283 --> 00:16:24,383
And I didn't know any better.
468
00:16:24,417 --> 00:16:26,117
They never do.
469
00:16:26,153 --> 00:16:28,763
And it started out
as an innocent modeling job.
470
00:16:28,788 --> 00:16:30,258
It always does.
471
00:16:32,092 --> 00:16:33,362
Please, Mr. Johnson.
472
00:16:33,393 --> 00:16:35,363
I'm sorry I was
a bad girl.
473
00:16:35,395 --> 00:16:38,495
Please don't give
me detention.
474
00:16:38,531 --> 00:16:43,541
Isn't there something I can
do to make it up to you?
475
00:16:46,873 --> 00:16:48,683
Oh, my God.
476
00:16:48,708 --> 00:16:50,738
Well, obviously,
I've been proven right,
477
00:16:50,777 --> 00:16:54,177
so in the interest of Robin's
dignity, I won't show anymore.
478
00:16:54,214 --> 00:16:55,154
Plus, it's getting late.
479
00:16:55,182 --> 00:16:56,722
It's already slap o'clock.
480
00:16:58,818 --> 00:16:59,888
What the hell was that?
481
00:16:59,919 --> 00:17:02,719
Uh, I slap bet Marshall
that you did porn, so I win.
482
00:17:02,755 --> 00:17:04,285
Porn?
I wish it was porn.
483
00:17:04,324 --> 00:17:06,264
It would be less embarrassing.
484
00:17:07,194 --> 00:17:08,964
ROBIN (on video):
I know.
485
00:17:08,995 --> 00:17:10,695
How about I
486
00:17:10,730 --> 00:17:12,930
sing you a song?
487
00:17:12,965 --> 00:17:16,035
(synth-pop music plays)
488
00:17:19,472 --> 00:17:21,572
Let's go to the mall, everybody!
489
00:17:21,608 --> 00:17:22,678
(giggles)
490
00:17:28,248 --> 00:17:31,118
I was a teenage pop star
in Canada.
491
00:17:32,619 --> 00:17:34,149
* Put on your jelly bracelets
492
00:17:34,187 --> 00:17:36,257
* And your cool graffiti coat
493
00:17:36,289 --> 00:17:38,089
* At the mall, having fun
494
00:17:38,125 --> 00:17:39,785
* Is what it's all about
495
00:17:39,826 --> 00:17:43,326
This is the most amazing
thing I've ever seen.
496
00:17:44,131 --> 00:17:45,171
That's you?
497
00:17:45,198 --> 00:17:47,868
Yes, I had one minor hit.
498
00:17:47,900 --> 00:17:51,140
I had to go all over Canada
and sing this song in malls.
499
00:17:51,171 --> 00:17:52,611
For a whole year,
500
00:17:52,639 --> 00:17:55,939
I lived off of Orange Juliuses
and Wetzel's Pretzels.
501
00:17:55,975 --> 00:17:59,545
* Everybody come and play
502
00:17:59,579 --> 00:18:03,679
* Throw every last care away
503
00:18:07,554 --> 00:18:08,924
* Today
504
00:18:08,955 --> 00:18:13,085
If this is the '90s, why
does it look like 1986?
505
00:18:13,126 --> 00:18:17,096
The '80s didn't come to Canada
till, like, '93.
506
00:18:17,997 --> 00:18:19,497
Taking a break
from the first
507
00:18:19,532 --> 00:18:21,832
of many, many
viewings,
508
00:18:21,868 --> 00:18:22,968
I can't help
but notice
509
00:18:23,002 --> 00:18:24,142
that this isn't porn.
510
00:18:24,171 --> 00:18:25,441
And yet,
511
00:18:25,472 --> 00:18:27,472
a slap occurred
without the permission
512
00:18:27,507 --> 00:18:29,007
of the Slap Bet
Commissioner.
513
00:18:29,041 --> 00:18:30,241
Looks like
somebody suffered
514
00:18:30,277 --> 00:18:33,147
from premature slapulation.
515
00:18:33,180 --> 00:18:34,450
Oh, my God,
Robin's rapping.
516
00:18:34,481 --> 00:18:35,681
Guys, Robin's rapping.
517
00:18:35,715 --> 00:18:37,645
* Went to the mall
with a couple of friends *
518
00:18:37,684 --> 00:18:39,494
* I had a whole week's allowance
to spend *
519
00:18:39,519 --> 00:18:42,689
Okay, I'm going to
give you a choice.
520
00:18:42,722 --> 00:18:44,692
Either ten slaps
right now in a row,
521
00:18:44,724 --> 00:18:47,334
or five slaps that
can be doled out
522
00:18:47,360 --> 00:18:50,230
at any point from
here to eternity.
523
00:18:50,263 --> 00:18:51,403
TED AND MARSHALL:
Ooh...
524
00:18:51,431 --> 00:18:52,601
You go with
the ten now.
525
00:18:52,632 --> 00:18:54,472
No way, why get ten
when you can get five?
526
00:18:54,501 --> 00:18:56,601
Yeah, but the constant fear
of knowing that at any moment,
527
00:18:56,636 --> 00:18:58,366
you could get slapped in the
face, would drive you crazy.
528
00:18:58,405 --> 00:18:59,965
I'm going to go
with the five for eternity.
529
00:19:00,006 --> 00:19:03,436
Good call.
Horrible call.
530
00:19:03,476 --> 00:19:06,306
Relax, dude, I'm just going
for my soda, man.
531
00:19:06,346 --> 00:19:07,346
Take it easy.
532
00:19:07,380 --> 00:19:08,750
This is going to be fun.
533
00:19:11,284 --> 00:19:12,994
* Let's go to the mall
534
00:19:13,019 --> 00:19:15,019
* Let's go to the mall
535
00:19:15,054 --> 00:19:16,424
* Today
536
00:19:16,456 --> 00:19:18,826
So just to
be clear,
537
00:19:18,858 --> 00:19:22,628
you wanted everybody to
go to the mall today?
538
00:19:24,264 --> 00:19:26,804
Wow, we're going
to watch this a lot.
539
00:19:26,833 --> 00:19:30,043
I can't believe I ever wore
a Bedazzled jean jacket.
540
00:19:30,069 --> 00:19:31,469
Hey, just so you know,
541
00:19:31,504 --> 00:19:34,274
16-year-old me would
have been all over you.
542
00:19:34,307 --> 00:19:37,437
You could have been the
girlfriend in Canada I
told everyone I had.
543
00:19:37,477 --> 00:19:40,707
Hey, uh, I'm really sorry
I pried this out of you.
544
00:19:40,747 --> 00:19:42,317
I probably should
have left it alone.
545
00:19:42,349 --> 00:19:44,919
You know what?
546
00:19:44,951 --> 00:19:47,251
You know me better now.
547
00:19:47,287 --> 00:19:48,787
That feels kind of nice.
548
00:19:51,190 --> 00:19:52,930
ALL:
Aw...
549
00:19:55,995 --> 00:19:56,895
That's one.
550
00:20:02,669 --> 00:20:05,969
* Everybody come and play
551
00:20:06,005 --> 00:20:09,535
* Throw every last care away
552
00:20:09,576 --> 00:20:10,476
Wow.
553
00:20:10,510 --> 00:20:12,750
* Let's go to the mall
554
00:20:12,779 --> 00:20:13,749
(giggling)
555
00:20:13,780 --> 00:20:14,810
(giggling)
556
00:20:14,847 --> 00:20:16,877
Did you have to laugh
like that every time?
557
00:20:16,916 --> 00:20:18,516
Yes.
558
00:20:18,551 --> 00:20:19,351
Love it.
559
00:20:19,386 --> 00:20:20,686
* This boy I like
560
00:20:20,720 --> 00:20:22,320
* Met him at the food court
561
00:20:22,355 --> 00:20:23,785
* He's got hair like Gretzky
562
00:20:23,823 --> 00:20:26,293
* And he does jumps
on his skateboard *
563
00:20:26,326 --> 00:20:28,496
* I hope he asks me out
564
00:20:28,528 --> 00:20:30,128
* Take me to my favorite spot
565
00:20:30,162 --> 00:20:31,732
* It'll be just him and me
566
00:20:31,764 --> 00:20:34,004
ROBOTIC VOICE:
* But don't forget the robot
567
00:20:35,201 --> 00:20:38,541
The robot. Hey!
568
00:20:38,571 --> 00:20:40,841
* But, baby,
I don't want to wait *
569
00:20:40,873 --> 00:20:42,243
* Let's do it
570
00:20:42,275 --> 00:20:44,435
No, she doesn't
want to wait.
571
00:20:44,477 --> 00:20:46,147
* I'm gonna
rock your body anyway *
572
00:20:46,178 --> 00:20:50,318
* I'm gonna rock your body
till Canada Day *
573
00:20:50,350 --> 00:20:54,290
* Everybody come and play
574
00:20:54,321 --> 00:20:58,361
* Throw every last care away
575
00:20:58,391 --> 00:21:01,491
* Let's go to the mall
576
00:21:01,528 --> 00:21:06,398
* Today, today, today, today
577
00:21:06,433 --> 00:21:08,103
* Let's go to the mall
578
00:21:08,134 --> 00:21:10,374
* Let's go to the ma-a-all
579
00:21:10,403 --> 00:21:12,543
* Let's go to the mall
580
00:21:12,572 --> 00:21:14,442
* Let's go to the ma-a-all
581
00:21:14,474 --> 00:21:16,214
* Let's go to the mall
582
00:21:16,242 --> 00:21:18,512
* Let's go to the ma-a-all
583
00:21:18,545 --> 00:21:19,845
* Let's go to the mall
584
00:21:19,879 --> 00:21:22,379
* Let's go to the ma-a-all
585
00:21:22,415 --> 00:21:24,475
* Let's go to the mall
586
00:21:24,517 --> 00:21:26,647
* Let's go to the ma-a-all
587
00:21:26,686 --> 00:21:28,486
* Let's go to the mall
588
00:21:28,521 --> 00:21:30,521
* Let's go to the ma-a-all
589
00:21:30,557 --> 00:21:32,217
* Let's go to the mall
590
00:21:32,258 --> 00:21:34,558
* Let's go to the ma-a-all.
39197
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