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1
00:00:01,502 --> 00:00:03,672
TED:
Your Uncle Barney was always
a bit of an enigma.
2
00:00:03,704 --> 00:00:05,974
In all the years we lived
in New York,
3
00:00:06,006 --> 00:00:07,976
none of us had ever set foot
in his apartment.
4
00:00:08,008 --> 00:00:10,738
Until one day, one of us did.
5
00:00:12,180 --> 00:00:13,550
(screaming)
6
00:00:13,581 --> 00:00:15,981
It's a pretty good story.
7
00:00:16,016 --> 00:00:18,646
And believe it or not,
alcohol did not play a role.
8
00:00:18,686 --> 00:00:20,646
It all started
two weeks earlier
9
00:00:20,688 --> 00:00:22,318
at Lily's housewarming.
10
00:00:22,356 --> 00:00:24,726
Welcome to my new home.
11
00:00:24,758 --> 00:00:26,328
Oh, wow, Lily, this is...
12
00:00:26,360 --> 00:00:28,330
Oh, this is all of it.
13
00:00:28,362 --> 00:00:29,902
Yeah, I know it's small,
14
00:00:29,930 --> 00:00:32,000
but it's got character.
15
00:00:32,032 --> 00:00:33,232
Thank you.
16
00:00:33,267 --> 00:00:35,497
And I am learning Lithuanian
from my neighbors.
17
00:00:35,536 --> 00:00:36,866
They're great.
18
00:00:36,904 --> 00:00:38,714
They're always out there
in the hall, you know,
19
00:00:38,739 --> 00:00:41,209
cooking and gambling and giving
each other haircuts.
20
00:00:41,242 --> 00:00:42,842
It's nice.
21
00:00:42,876 --> 00:00:45,176
Hey, is that a toilet
in your kitchen?
22
00:00:45,213 --> 00:00:46,683
Or a stove
in your bathroom?
23
00:00:46,714 --> 00:00:49,684
Oh, that's not just a stove.
24
00:00:49,717 --> 00:00:51,247
That's a stovenkerator:
25
00:00:51,285 --> 00:00:52,585
a combination of a stove,
26
00:00:52,620 --> 00:00:55,590
oven, sink and refrigerator.
27
00:00:55,623 --> 00:00:56,693
Stovenkerator.
28
00:00:56,724 --> 00:00:57,864
Isn't that futuristic?
29
00:00:57,891 --> 00:00:59,431
God, I hope not.
30
00:00:59,460 --> 00:01:01,200
Hey, cool Murphy bed.
31
00:01:01,229 --> 00:01:03,929
Yeah, it's kind
of a mess.
32
00:01:03,964 --> 00:01:05,274
I didn't make my bed
this morning, so...
33
00:01:05,299 --> 00:01:07,029
Oh!
34
00:01:07,067 --> 00:01:09,437
You know what,
35
00:01:09,470 --> 00:01:12,040
I bet sleeping at this
angle is good for you.
36
00:01:12,072 --> 00:01:13,372
For some reason.
37
00:01:13,407 --> 00:01:15,577
I got it.
38
00:01:17,311 --> 00:01:19,881
(man shouting in Lithuanian)
39
00:01:19,913 --> 00:01:23,383
That was, something, something,
40
00:01:23,417 --> 00:01:27,887
I am going to, something, you
like a, something, donkey.
41
00:01:27,921 --> 00:01:28,991
Huh.
42
00:01:29,957 --> 00:01:31,287
Other cultures.
43
00:01:31,325 --> 00:01:32,425
Hey,
44
00:01:32,460 --> 00:01:33,930
let's break out
the fruit basket.
45
00:01:33,961 --> 00:01:35,801
Hey, who ate all the...?
46
00:01:35,829 --> 00:01:36,829
(squeaking)
47
00:01:53,181 --> 00:01:55,951
Okay, we have to get Lily
out of that apartment.
48
00:01:55,983 --> 00:01:57,123
Her roommate is a raccoon.
49
00:01:57,951 --> 00:01:59,251
I'd offer her my place,
50
00:01:59,287 --> 00:02:00,747
but I've got dogs
and she's allergic.
51
00:02:00,788 --> 00:02:01,958
Dogs? I live
with her ex-boyfriend.
52
00:02:01,989 --> 00:02:03,789
I think she's a little
more allergic to that.
53
00:02:03,824 --> 00:02:05,094
ROBIN:
What about your
place, Barney?
54
00:02:05,125 --> 00:02:06,955
I know it's shrouded
in mystery,
55
00:02:06,994 --> 00:02:08,434
but it's gotta
have a couch.
56
00:02:08,462 --> 00:02:10,162
The Fortress of Barnitude?
No way.
57
00:02:10,198 --> 00:02:11,798
Come on.
She's desperate.
58
00:02:11,832 --> 00:02:13,772
Hmm, normally a prerequisite
for the women I bring home,
59
00:02:13,801 --> 00:02:15,141
but... pass.
60
00:02:16,637 --> 00:02:18,467
One of you guys
is very, very lucky
61
00:02:18,506 --> 00:02:19,966
because I have...
62
00:02:20,007 --> 00:02:21,437
a boom, an extra ticket
63
00:02:21,475 --> 00:02:23,435
to the Alanis Morissette
concert. Who's in?
Ew.
64
00:02:23,477 --> 00:02:24,977
Absolutely not.
No.
65
00:02:25,012 --> 00:02:26,612
Damn! I got these tickets,
like, months ago
66
00:02:26,647 --> 00:02:29,717
for me and Lily and now I can't
find anyone to go with me.
67
00:02:30,884 --> 00:02:32,354
This is what I miss
about being in a couple.
68
00:02:32,386 --> 00:02:33,946
I always had someone
to go to concerts with,
69
00:02:33,987 --> 00:02:35,817
or farmer's market,
70
00:02:35,856 --> 00:02:37,626
or brunch.
71
00:02:37,658 --> 00:02:38,988
God, I miss brunch!
72
00:02:39,026 --> 00:02:39,986
Well, I guess you could...
73
00:02:40,027 --> 00:02:42,027
well, you could try
going to brunch alone.
74
00:02:42,062 --> 00:02:43,502
Oh, you don't
think I've tried?
75
00:02:44,332 --> 00:02:45,372
Table for one.
76
00:02:45,399 --> 00:02:47,299
One couple?
77
00:02:47,335 --> 00:02:49,465
Um, no, just me.
78
00:02:49,503 --> 00:02:52,643
Really? For brunch?
79
00:02:52,673 --> 00:02:54,383
You're right. Who am I kidding?
80
00:02:55,876 --> 00:02:57,876
Ooh, The Popover Pantry.
That place is great.
81
00:02:57,911 --> 00:02:59,151
Can we go get
brunch tomorrow?
82
00:02:59,179 --> 00:03:00,349
Of course, sweetie.
83
00:03:00,381 --> 00:03:02,021
Can I go with you guys?
84
00:03:02,049 --> 00:03:04,019
Really? For brunch?
85
00:03:05,018 --> 00:03:07,048
God, I hate being single!
86
00:03:10,023 --> 00:03:12,363
Okay, I'll take the over
on the Pittsburgh game.
87
00:03:12,393 --> 00:03:14,663
Oh, and P. to the S.,
I never got my payout
88
00:03:14,695 --> 00:03:16,995
from Seattle from two weeks ago.
89
00:03:17,030 --> 00:03:20,730
Yeah. Don't make me call
the gaming commission on you.
90
00:03:20,768 --> 00:03:22,668
I'm sure they'd be
very interested
91
00:03:22,703 --> 00:03:24,073
to know what's going on
over there.
92
00:03:24,104 --> 00:03:27,514
All right? All right?
93
00:03:27,541 --> 00:03:29,611
Okay, I love you, too, Mom.
Take care.
94
00:03:33,080 --> 00:03:35,220
Hello, Lily.
95
00:03:37,084 --> 00:03:40,354
You've somehow managed
to circumvent my security.
96
00:03:40,388 --> 00:03:42,188
How did you do it?
97
00:03:42,222 --> 00:03:43,862
Ted gave me your spare key.
98
00:03:43,891 --> 00:03:46,061
Spare key, brilliant!
99
00:03:46,093 --> 00:03:48,433
I'm sorry, but you know
I'd only come here
100
00:03:48,462 --> 00:03:49,932
if I had no other choice.
101
00:03:49,963 --> 00:03:53,303
But earlier today, I was getting
ready to go to sleep and...
102
00:04:06,079 --> 00:04:09,119
Sveikas.
103
00:04:11,084 --> 00:04:12,494
That's terrible.
104
00:04:13,421 --> 00:04:15,061
Well, see ya.
105
00:04:15,088 --> 00:04:18,088
Well, can I
stay here maybe?
Oh...
106
00:04:18,125 --> 00:04:20,885
I'd let you,
but I don't have any room.
107
00:04:20,928 --> 00:04:23,058
You live in a two-bedroom
apartment.
108
00:04:23,096 --> 00:04:25,726
You have one room
just for your suits.
109
00:04:25,766 --> 00:04:27,936
Hey, I'm at a point in my life
110
00:04:27,968 --> 00:04:29,138
where my suits are my family.
111
00:04:30,438 --> 00:04:31,908
Look around you, Lily.
112
00:04:31,939 --> 00:04:34,939
You are in the heart
of bachelor country,
113
00:04:34,975 --> 00:04:37,605
and as a woman, you are
an illegal immigrant here.
114
00:04:38,679 --> 00:04:40,479
Now, you can try
to apply for a sex visa,
115
00:04:40,514 --> 00:04:42,254
but that only
lasts 12 hours.
116
00:04:42,282 --> 00:04:44,082
14 if you qualify
for multiple entry.
117
00:04:44,117 --> 00:04:45,417
(chuckles)
118
00:04:45,453 --> 00:04:47,763
Eww... is something
119
00:04:47,788 --> 00:04:49,988
some lame, judgmental
chick would say,
120
00:04:50,023 --> 00:04:53,933
but I say give me
multiple high fives.
121
00:04:53,961 --> 00:04:56,101
Wow, you really are desperate.
122
00:04:56,129 --> 00:04:57,629
I really am.
123
00:04:57,665 --> 00:05:00,965
Okay, you can stay
here for two days.
124
00:05:01,001 --> 00:05:03,141
(sighs)
But I only have
one rule.
125
00:05:03,170 --> 00:05:05,170
You can't change anything.
126
00:05:05,205 --> 00:05:06,935
Why would I change anything?
127
00:05:06,974 --> 00:05:08,144
This place is...
128
00:05:09,142 --> 00:05:11,112
...perfect.
129
00:05:11,144 --> 00:05:13,154
Except for the fact
that you don't have a TV.
130
00:05:13,180 --> 00:05:14,980
See that wall?
131
00:05:17,150 --> 00:05:19,650
(turns on TV,
indistinct chatter from TV)
132
00:05:19,687 --> 00:05:22,857
300-inch flat-screen.
133
00:05:22,890 --> 00:05:24,830
They only sell them in Japan,
but I know a guy.
134
00:05:24,858 --> 00:05:27,128
Had to ship it over
in a tugboat
135
00:05:27,160 --> 00:05:29,360
like freakin' King Kong.
136
00:05:29,397 --> 00:05:30,457
It hurts my eyes.
137
00:05:30,498 --> 00:05:32,998
Yeah. That doesn't
go away.
138
00:05:34,835 --> 00:05:35,965
Hey.
139
00:05:36,003 --> 00:05:37,043
Hey, where
have you been?
140
00:05:37,070 --> 00:05:39,040
The Alanis Morissette concert.
141
00:05:39,072 --> 00:05:40,972
By yourself?
No, actually I went
142
00:05:41,008 --> 00:05:42,308
with a friend from law school.
143
00:05:42,342 --> 00:05:43,682
Oh, really?
144
00:05:43,711 --> 00:05:45,311
Who's this friend?
145
00:05:45,345 --> 00:05:47,175
Brad.
146
00:05:48,181 --> 00:05:50,881
Bro, Alanis Morissette rocks!
147
00:05:50,918 --> 00:05:52,318
Totally!
I can't believe
148
00:05:52,352 --> 00:05:54,192
I almost didn't
come tonight.
Let me guess:
149
00:05:54,221 --> 00:05:55,821
You bought the tickets
for you and Lily
150
00:05:55,856 --> 00:05:56,986
right before she dumped you.
151
00:05:57,024 --> 00:05:58,234
Yeah, how'd you know?
152
00:05:58,258 --> 00:06:00,188
I just got dumped myself.
153
00:06:00,227 --> 00:06:03,057
What, Kara
broke up with you?
154
00:06:03,096 --> 00:06:05,866
I'm sorry, man. That sucks.
155
00:06:09,236 --> 00:06:10,996
Brad, do you
like brunch?
156
00:06:11,038 --> 00:06:12,738
You invited him
to brunch?
157
00:06:12,773 --> 00:06:14,913
Yeah, I invited him to brunch.
Why, is that weird?
158
00:06:14,942 --> 00:06:17,012
Yes. That's why
I was all,
159
00:06:17,044 --> 00:06:18,754
"You invited him
to brunch?"
160
00:06:18,779 --> 00:06:22,379
Why can't two guys
who are friends go to brunch?
161
00:06:22,416 --> 00:06:25,216
Because brunch
is kind of...
162
00:06:25,252 --> 00:06:26,752
Girly.
163
00:06:26,787 --> 00:06:29,187
Girly? Breakfast isn't girly.
164
00:06:29,222 --> 00:06:31,432
Lunch isn't girly.
What makes brunch girly?
165
00:06:31,459 --> 00:06:32,689
I don't know.
166
00:06:32,726 --> 00:06:34,086
There's nothing girly
about a horse.
167
00:06:34,127 --> 00:06:36,197
Nothing girly
about a horn,
168
00:06:36,229 --> 00:06:39,729
but put them together
and you get a unicorn.
169
00:06:39,767 --> 00:06:41,367
I don't care what
either of you say,
170
00:06:41,401 --> 00:06:44,711
I am going
to The Popover Pantry with Brad.
171
00:06:44,738 --> 00:06:48,108
We're here. We're hungry.
Get used to it, brunch.
172
00:06:52,913 --> 00:06:54,783
(sniffs):
Hmm...
173
00:06:54,815 --> 00:06:56,715
smells delicious.
Thank you.
174
00:06:56,750 --> 00:06:59,550
There was no food
in the fridge,
so I picked up...
175
00:06:59,587 --> 00:07:00,887
What are you doing?
176
00:07:00,921 --> 00:07:02,961
Lily, what was
the first rule again?
177
00:07:02,990 --> 00:07:04,760
Don't change anything?
178
00:07:04,792 --> 00:07:05,892
And what was
the second rule?
179
00:07:05,926 --> 00:07:07,256
There was no second rule.
180
00:07:07,294 --> 00:07:08,804
Exactly! There was
only one rule
181
00:07:08,829 --> 00:07:10,429
and you broke it.
182
00:07:10,464 --> 00:07:12,474
I bought groceries.
183
00:07:12,500 --> 00:07:13,730
That counts
as changing something?
184
00:07:13,767 --> 00:07:15,237
(sighs):
Lily,
185
00:07:15,268 --> 00:07:17,068
if I wanted a fridge
full of groceries,
186
00:07:17,104 --> 00:07:18,914
or fresh coffee
in the morning,
187
00:07:18,939 --> 00:07:21,269
I'd be in a relationship.
188
00:07:21,308 --> 00:07:25,748
But I don't want to be
in a relationship.
189
00:07:25,779 --> 00:07:27,649
That's why I make
it crystal-clear
190
00:07:27,681 --> 00:07:29,281
to every girl that
walks through that door
191
00:07:29,316 --> 00:07:31,646
that this is not a place
to leave a toothbrush.
192
00:07:31,685 --> 00:07:34,085
This is not a place to leave
a contact lens case.
193
00:07:34,121 --> 00:07:36,591
This is a place to leave.
194
00:07:36,624 --> 00:07:37,764
Come on,
I'll give you a tour.
195
00:07:37,791 --> 00:07:39,461
Uh, no flash
photography, please.
196
00:07:40,828 --> 00:07:43,158
Bienvenido to the bedroom.
197
00:07:43,196 --> 00:07:44,926
Dig this: king-sized bed,
198
00:07:44,965 --> 00:07:46,925
full-sized blanket, one pillow.
199
00:07:46,967 --> 00:07:48,437
Everything about
this bed says,
200
00:07:48,468 --> 00:07:50,798
"Our work here is done."
201
00:07:50,838 --> 00:07:53,508
Next we say bienvenue
to the bathroom.
202
00:07:53,541 --> 00:07:56,441
What, only one towel?
203
00:07:56,476 --> 00:07:57,306
What, no hairdryer?
204
00:07:57,344 --> 00:07:58,684
You know where
I keep that stuff?
205
00:07:58,712 --> 00:07:59,812
Your place. Beat it.
206
00:07:59,847 --> 00:08:03,477
And the coup de grace...
207
00:08:07,521 --> 00:08:09,561
Yeah, that's right.
208
00:08:10,824 --> 00:08:11,894
Patent-pending.
209
00:08:13,326 --> 00:08:15,126
And wilkommen to the hallway.
210
00:08:15,162 --> 00:08:17,632
While guys like
Ted and Marshall may
hide their porn...
211
00:08:17,665 --> 00:08:18,995
Marshall doesn't have porn.
212
00:08:19,032 --> 00:08:20,872
Aww, that's sweet.
213
00:08:20,901 --> 00:08:23,141
While guys like Ted
and Marshall may
hide their porn,
214
00:08:23,170 --> 00:08:24,140
I had mine...
215
00:08:24,171 --> 00:08:26,071
professionally lit.
216
00:08:27,708 --> 00:08:30,138
Girls see this, they can't get
out of here fast enough.
217
00:08:30,177 --> 00:08:32,547
And if that doesn't
drive them away,
218
00:08:32,580 --> 00:08:34,850
there's always your life-sized
storm-trooper.
219
00:08:34,882 --> 00:08:36,982
No, that's just awesome.
220
00:08:37,017 --> 00:08:38,147
So you see,
221
00:08:38,185 --> 00:08:39,715
whenever a girl
wakes up here,
222
00:08:39,753 --> 00:08:42,493
I never have to tell her to go
build her nest somewhere else.
223
00:08:42,522 --> 00:08:44,192
My apartment
does it for me.
224
00:08:45,693 --> 00:08:47,333
God, I love brunch.
225
00:08:47,360 --> 00:08:49,060
Oh, damn...
226
00:08:49,096 --> 00:08:51,496
the zucchini bread
is "ridonkulous."
227
00:08:51,531 --> 00:08:53,831
This isn't weird, right?
228
00:08:53,867 --> 00:08:55,497
I sort of thought
it might be,
229
00:08:55,535 --> 00:08:56,835
but it totally isn't.
230
00:08:56,870 --> 00:08:58,510
And B-T-dub,
you totally
231
00:08:58,538 --> 00:09:00,338
did not oversell
the eggs Benny.
232
00:09:00,373 --> 00:09:01,413
Right?
I mean,
233
00:09:01,441 --> 00:09:03,681
why can't two single bros
234
00:09:03,711 --> 00:09:05,511
go out and rock brunch
Sunday morning-style?
235
00:09:05,545 --> 00:09:08,915
Exactly. Thank you, that's
exactly what I've been saying.
236
00:09:08,949 --> 00:09:10,679
This must be destiny.
237
00:09:10,718 --> 00:09:12,418
What are you
talking about?
238
00:09:12,452 --> 00:09:14,922
I have two tickets
for Mamma Mia Friday night.
239
00:09:14,955 --> 00:09:15,915
You like Abba, right?
240
00:09:15,956 --> 00:09:18,026
(laughs):
What am I saying?
Who doesn't?
241
00:09:18,058 --> 00:09:21,898
Anyway, I was gonna take Kara,
but now it's all you and me.
242
00:09:21,929 --> 00:09:24,699
We're gonna do Broadway,
bro style. What do you say?
243
00:09:24,732 --> 00:09:26,772
Yeah!
244
00:09:32,906 --> 00:09:36,606
Hey. Did the cold wake you?
245
00:09:36,644 --> 00:09:39,454
No, I've just been
watching you sleep.
246
00:09:40,814 --> 00:09:42,584
Oh, did you try
and take a shower?
247
00:09:42,616 --> 00:09:44,216
I'm sorry, I only have
one clean towel.
248
00:09:44,251 --> 00:09:45,551
I don't buy into the myth
249
00:09:45,585 --> 00:09:47,615
that we need
to shower every day.
250
00:09:48,622 --> 00:09:49,922
Okay.
251
00:09:49,957 --> 00:09:51,257
I'd offer you some coffee,
252
00:09:51,291 --> 00:09:53,561
but I don't have any,
so you're gonna have to...
253
00:09:53,593 --> 00:09:54,933
I'm boycotting coffee.
254
00:09:54,962 --> 00:09:57,602
You may as well drink the tears
of a Colombian peasant farmer.
255
00:09:57,631 --> 00:10:00,931
God, I love this place.
256
00:10:00,968 --> 00:10:02,398
Good thing I don't
have a job
257
00:10:02,435 --> 00:10:03,995
because I could
stay here all day.
258
00:10:06,106 --> 00:10:08,406
I think I left something
on the bookshelf.
259
00:10:08,441 --> 00:10:12,451
Whoops.
Oh, no, oh, look.
260
00:10:12,479 --> 00:10:14,819
Oh, I'm disgusting.
261
00:10:14,848 --> 00:10:16,318
Wow,
262
00:10:16,349 --> 00:10:17,619
you're open
about your sexuality
263
00:10:17,651 --> 00:10:19,621
and that's one
of the reasons I love you.
264
00:10:20,954 --> 00:10:22,964
Did I just say that?
265
00:10:22,990 --> 00:10:25,330
Oh, well, cat's out of the bag.
266
00:10:25,358 --> 00:10:26,488
I love you.
267
00:10:26,526 --> 00:10:28,996
Whoa, uh...
268
00:10:29,029 --> 00:10:31,429
Okay, beep, beep.
Backing up, um...
269
00:10:31,464 --> 00:10:33,304
Hi, Barney. Oh...
270
00:10:34,301 --> 00:10:35,501
Oh, my God.
271
00:10:35,535 --> 00:10:37,095
Are you married?
Is this your wife?
272
00:10:37,137 --> 00:10:38,267
What? No.
273
00:10:38,305 --> 00:10:40,135
Yes!
274
00:10:40,808 --> 00:10:42,508
Yes?
Yes.
275
00:10:43,811 --> 00:10:45,151
You son of a bitch!
276
00:10:45,178 --> 00:10:47,948
I can't believe I let you
enter my sacred temple.
277
00:10:47,981 --> 00:10:49,981
Come on, baby.
Oh, Dawn,
you can find...
278
00:10:50,017 --> 00:10:52,147
Please, no. Oh, you
don't understand.
279
00:10:52,185 --> 00:10:54,145
(Dawn continues muttering)
What have I done?
This is the worst.
280
00:10:54,187 --> 00:10:55,317
How could...?
281
00:10:56,189 --> 00:10:58,329
You're not going anywhere.
282
00:11:03,997 --> 00:11:05,127
Wow.
283
00:11:05,165 --> 00:11:06,295
That was close.
284
00:11:06,333 --> 00:11:07,973
That hippie chick
wouldn't leave.
285
00:11:08,001 --> 00:11:10,301
She was ready to squat here.
286
00:11:10,337 --> 00:11:11,537
Well, she'd have to
287
00:11:11,571 --> 00:11:13,211
with your spring-loaded
toilet seat, wouldn't she?
288
00:11:13,240 --> 00:11:16,480
She was freakishly immune to
everything in my apartment...
289
00:11:16,509 --> 00:11:18,349
except you.
290
00:11:18,378 --> 00:11:20,008
You're better than porn.
291
00:11:20,047 --> 00:11:22,347
Thank you?
292
00:11:22,382 --> 00:11:25,052
How would you like to
extend your stay here?
293
00:11:25,085 --> 00:11:26,545
All you'd have to do
294
00:11:26,586 --> 00:11:27,816
is pretend to be my wife,
295
00:11:27,855 --> 00:11:29,855
and scare off the occasional
one-night stand.
296
00:11:29,890 --> 00:11:31,520
I know, I know.
You've got your ethics.
297
00:11:31,558 --> 00:11:33,058
You've got your
principles...
I'll do it.
298
00:11:33,093 --> 00:11:34,363
Really?
299
00:11:34,394 --> 00:11:37,034
Barney, you've clearly got
300
00:11:37,064 --> 00:11:39,834
some serious mother issues
that have left you
301
00:11:39,867 --> 00:11:42,397
the emotional equivalent
of a scavenging sewer rat.
302
00:11:42,435 --> 00:11:43,665
But, in my
303
00:11:43,703 --> 00:11:44,913
other apartment,
I would be living
304
00:11:44,938 --> 00:11:49,038
with an actual scavenging
sewer rat, so you win.
305
00:11:49,076 --> 00:11:50,376
I'll take it.
306
00:11:51,578 --> 00:11:53,178
Mamma Mia?
307
00:11:53,213 --> 00:11:54,213
Mamma Mia.
308
00:11:54,247 --> 00:11:55,077
You know what?
309
00:11:55,115 --> 00:11:56,075
It's supposed to be
310
00:11:56,116 --> 00:11:57,376
a great musical, okay?
311
00:11:57,417 --> 00:11:59,087
It won all sorts
of Tonys and stuff.
312
00:11:59,119 --> 00:12:00,349
No, totally.
313
00:12:00,387 --> 00:12:03,187
It sounds like a really, really
fun, exciting, third date.
314
00:12:03,223 --> 00:12:04,393
Ooh, third date.
315
00:12:04,424 --> 00:12:05,694
You know what that means.
316
00:12:05,725 --> 00:12:07,185
(makes bed squeaking sound)
317
00:12:07,227 --> 00:12:08,927
It is not a date, okay.
318
00:12:08,962 --> 00:12:11,202
It's just two bros
taking in a Broadway show.
319
00:12:11,231 --> 00:12:13,271
You bros going to get
dinner beforehand?
320
00:12:13,300 --> 00:12:15,100
We might grab a steak, yeah.
321
00:12:15,135 --> 00:12:16,265
Mmm-hmm. Where at?
322
00:12:18,271 --> 00:12:19,641
Cafe L'Amour.
323
00:12:21,074 --> 00:12:23,544
Brad says the food
is really good there, okay.
324
00:12:23,576 --> 00:12:26,546
Sounds like Brad's got quite
the night planned out.
325
00:12:26,579 --> 00:12:28,049
You better bring your "A" game.
326
00:12:28,081 --> 00:12:30,221
That means no granny panties.
327
00:12:30,250 --> 00:12:31,450
All right,
you know what?
328
00:12:31,484 --> 00:12:32,924
You two are just threatened
329
00:12:32,953 --> 00:12:35,393
because I'm a single guy
moving in on your couples' turf.
330
00:12:35,422 --> 00:12:36,292
Well, guess what?
331
00:12:36,323 --> 00:12:38,433
It's my territory now.
332
00:12:38,458 --> 00:12:41,728
I'm peeing all over brunches,
fancy dinners and musicals.
333
00:12:41,761 --> 00:12:45,071
That's right; Brad and I
are taking back Broadway.
334
00:12:45,098 --> 00:12:46,468
What are you going to wear?
335
00:12:46,499 --> 00:12:48,069
I was thinking like this
collared shirt and these pin...
336
00:12:48,101 --> 00:12:50,471
Oh, you know what? Shut up.
337
00:12:52,272 --> 00:12:53,942
Can you pass
the Arts and Leisure?
338
00:13:00,013 --> 00:13:02,123
Can you pass
the Arts and Leisure?
339
00:13:02,149 --> 00:13:03,919
I just did.
340
00:13:03,951 --> 00:13:04,951
Honey, I'm...
341
00:13:06,119 --> 00:13:09,459
Barney, what the hell
is going on here?
342
00:13:09,489 --> 00:13:10,989
Lily, I can explain...
343
00:13:11,024 --> 00:13:12,264
How could you?
344
00:13:12,292 --> 00:13:13,632
In our own home?
345
00:13:13,660 --> 00:13:15,430
You bastard!
346
00:13:15,462 --> 00:13:17,662
I'm so sorry. I-I
didn't know he had...
Just get out.
347
00:13:17,697 --> 00:13:21,297
This is what I get after
I worked as a stripper
348
00:13:21,334 --> 00:13:23,804
for four years to put you
through medical school?
349
00:13:23,837 --> 00:13:25,837
I got breast implants for you.
350
00:13:26,473 --> 00:13:27,843
I...
351
00:13:27,875 --> 00:13:29,805
I was just about
to turn on the tears.
352
00:13:30,710 --> 00:13:32,780
Brava.
353
00:13:32,812 --> 00:13:35,622
That was incredible.
And that
354
00:13:35,648 --> 00:13:37,118
slap was genius.
355
00:13:37,150 --> 00:13:38,290
You did not hold back.
356
00:13:38,318 --> 00:13:40,618
Yeah, that I just
always wanted to do.
357
00:13:40,653 --> 00:13:42,163
Fair enough.
358
00:13:42,189 --> 00:13:44,159
I have to say,
359
00:13:44,191 --> 00:13:46,831
it's kind of nice having food
around here for a change.
360
00:13:46,860 --> 00:13:47,690
You know...
361
00:13:47,727 --> 00:13:49,827
nah, never mind.
362
00:13:49,863 --> 00:13:50,863
What?
363
00:13:50,898 --> 00:13:53,328
You're my wife.
You can tell me anything.
364
00:13:53,366 --> 00:13:56,296
Well, if you really wanted
to sell this ruse,
365
00:13:56,336 --> 00:13:59,136
we should try to make
this place a little more...
366
00:13:59,172 --> 00:14:00,472
you know, homey.
367
00:14:00,507 --> 00:14:02,637
Like-like a woman
would actually live here.
368
00:14:02,675 --> 00:14:04,375
What did you have in mind?
369
00:14:05,512 --> 00:14:07,412
(lively tune plays)
370
00:14:14,187 --> 00:14:17,217
* Bones, bones,
brittle little bones *
371
00:14:17,257 --> 00:14:19,487
* It's not the milk you seek
372
00:14:19,526 --> 00:14:22,326
* It's the sun you need
373
00:14:22,362 --> 00:14:27,332
* Sugar dumpling, muffin baby
374
00:14:27,367 --> 00:14:31,367
* This world is going crazy
375
00:14:31,404 --> 00:14:33,414
* Do-do, do-do
376
00:14:33,440 --> 00:14:35,840
* Do-do, do-do
377
00:14:35,875 --> 00:14:38,345
* Do-do, do-do, do
378
00:14:38,378 --> 00:14:40,048
La, la, la.
379
00:14:41,114 --> 00:14:42,254
Hey, you're home.
380
00:14:42,282 --> 00:14:43,852
I didn't think
we'd be seeing you
381
00:14:43,883 --> 00:14:45,253
until tomorrow morning.
Ha,ha,
382
00:14:45,285 --> 00:14:46,885
ha, ha.
It wasn't a date.
383
00:14:48,388 --> 00:14:51,718
Okay, it was a date
and it got way weird.
384
00:14:54,761 --> 00:14:57,061
Oh, you really don't
have to do that.
385
00:14:57,097 --> 00:14:58,267
No, I insist.
386
00:14:58,298 --> 00:14:59,398
You're my guest.
387
00:14:59,432 --> 00:15:01,532
Thanks, Brad.
388
00:15:01,568 --> 00:15:03,938
Bro,
389
00:15:03,971 --> 00:15:05,911
you got some chocolate
on your chin.
390
00:15:08,942 --> 00:15:10,042
Still there.
391
00:15:10,077 --> 00:15:11,777
I'll get that bad boy.
392
00:15:15,648 --> 00:15:16,778
Whoa.
393
00:15:16,816 --> 00:15:18,546
Well, it could
have been worse.
394
00:15:18,585 --> 00:15:21,585
It could have fallen
in your lap.
395
00:15:22,455 --> 00:15:24,255
It gets worse.
396
00:15:24,291 --> 00:15:25,761
No, I-I can do it, Brad.
397
00:15:25,792 --> 00:15:27,232
Okay, thank you.
398
00:15:27,260 --> 00:15:29,900
So anyway, ah,
399
00:15:29,929 --> 00:15:31,929
it's this Saturday.
Do you want to come?
400
00:15:31,965 --> 00:15:36,265
You want me to go
to a wedding with you?
401
00:15:37,270 --> 00:15:39,110
Okay, that's not too bad.
402
00:15:39,139 --> 00:15:40,809
Two single guys
on the prowl.
403
00:15:42,175 --> 00:15:45,105
Just keep Brad away
from the bouquet.
404
00:15:45,979 --> 00:15:48,419
It gets worse.
405
00:15:48,448 --> 00:15:49,748
It gets better.
406
00:15:49,782 --> 00:15:50,652
The foliage
407
00:15:50,683 --> 00:15:52,993
in Vermont this time
of year is ridonk.
408
00:15:53,020 --> 00:15:54,320
Vermont?
409
00:15:54,354 --> 00:15:56,664
Yeah, the wedding's
at this awesome B&B.
410
00:15:56,689 --> 00:15:58,929
Kara and I used to go there.
411
00:15:58,958 --> 00:16:00,128
Anyway,
412
00:16:00,160 --> 00:16:02,130
there is one room left,
and we got it.
413
00:16:02,162 --> 00:16:04,132
Walt Whitman Suite, bro.
414
00:16:08,968 --> 00:16:10,138
You said no, right?
415
00:16:10,170 --> 00:16:11,840
Of course.
416
00:16:11,871 --> 00:16:12,971
I understand.
417
00:16:13,006 --> 00:16:15,006
It's cool.
418
00:16:15,042 --> 00:16:17,512
It's the first time I was going
to see my college friends
419
00:16:17,544 --> 00:16:19,014
since Kara left me.
420
00:16:19,046 --> 00:16:20,606
I just...
421
00:16:20,647 --> 00:16:24,477
(sobbing):
I just miss her so much.
422
00:16:27,487 --> 00:16:30,287
I'll go to Vermont with you.
423
00:16:30,323 --> 00:16:32,833
That's great!
424
00:16:34,161 --> 00:16:35,861
You know, uh, they're
registered at Pottery Barn.
425
00:16:35,895 --> 00:16:38,565
I figure we could go
halfsies on a gravy boat.
426
00:16:40,033 --> 00:16:42,043
(laughing)
427
00:16:42,869 --> 00:16:44,169
I'm sorry.
428
00:16:44,204 --> 00:16:45,644
It's not funny anymore.
429
00:16:45,672 --> 00:16:47,872
Damn you, brunch!
430
00:16:48,875 --> 00:16:50,305
This guy's crazy, right?
431
00:16:50,343 --> 00:16:52,483
Look, I don't think
he's crazy.
432
00:16:52,512 --> 00:16:53,812
I just think he's suffering
433
00:16:53,846 --> 00:16:55,816
from a severe case
of girlfriend withdrawal.
434
00:16:55,848 --> 00:16:59,048
And unfortunately,
you're his nicotine patch.
435
00:16:59,086 --> 00:17:00,686
And now you have to do
436
00:17:00,720 --> 00:17:02,320
what every dysfunctional
couple has to do:
437
00:17:02,355 --> 00:17:04,055
break up.
438
00:17:04,091 --> 00:17:04,991
You're right.
You're right.
439
00:17:05,024 --> 00:17:06,034
I promised Brad I would go
440
00:17:06,059 --> 00:17:07,659
to the wedding with him,
and then that is it .
441
00:17:07,694 --> 00:17:09,064
Good man.
442
00:17:10,097 --> 00:17:12,827
Oh, I think we made
the right decision
443
00:17:12,865 --> 00:17:14,995
going for the custom-made
Italian sheets.
Hey,
444
00:17:15,034 --> 00:17:16,344
if my bed's going suit up,
445
00:17:16,369 --> 00:17:17,699
it's going to do it right.
446
00:17:18,705 --> 00:17:19,865
Want to give it a whirl?
447
00:17:20,873 --> 00:17:22,183
Oh.
448
00:17:22,209 --> 00:17:23,379
(moans)
449
00:17:23,410 --> 00:17:26,680
All right, I'm going
to head out, hit the bars.
450
00:17:26,713 --> 00:17:28,053
What are you going to do
451
00:17:28,081 --> 00:17:30,351
tonight?
Oh, I was just going
to watch Letterman
452
00:17:30,383 --> 00:17:32,353
but, God this bed is so comfy.
453
00:17:32,385 --> 00:17:34,245
I wish you had a TV in here.
454
00:17:39,126 --> 00:17:40,186
Okay, seriously,
455
00:17:40,227 --> 00:17:42,057
what do you do for a living?
456
00:17:42,095 --> 00:17:43,725
(chuckling):
Please.
457
00:17:47,100 --> 00:17:48,440
I thought
you were going out.
458
00:17:48,468 --> 00:17:49,438
Eh.
459
00:17:49,469 --> 00:17:51,069
After the monologue.
460
00:17:52,472 --> 00:17:55,782
The next morning,
as the sun rose over Manhattan,
461
00:17:55,808 --> 00:17:57,438
your Uncle Marshall
headed over to Brad's apartment
462
00:17:57,477 --> 00:17:58,907
to leave for the wedding
in Vermont.
463
00:17:58,945 --> 00:18:00,605
But when he got there...
464
00:18:00,647 --> 00:18:02,077
No.
465
00:18:02,115 --> 00:18:04,145
No...
466
00:18:06,153 --> 00:18:08,053
No.
467
00:18:08,087 --> 00:18:09,457
No!
468
00:18:09,489 --> 00:18:11,619
No.
469
00:18:15,828 --> 00:18:17,128
Ted.
470
00:18:17,164 --> 00:18:19,934
Um, Brad got me flowers.
471
00:18:19,966 --> 00:18:21,396
Hold on.
472
00:18:21,434 --> 00:18:24,104
Brad got him flowers.
473
00:18:24,137 --> 00:18:25,607
I'm sorry.
474
00:18:25,638 --> 00:18:28,278
It just got funny again.
475
00:18:31,110 --> 00:18:32,750
Oh, hey...
No, Brad, uh,
476
00:18:32,779 --> 00:18:35,079
I don't want to hear it.
I do like you.
477
00:18:35,114 --> 00:18:36,584
And calla lilies are
my favorite flower.
478
00:18:36,616 --> 00:18:38,076
I don't know how you knew that.
479
00:18:38,117 --> 00:18:41,247
I guess you just get me,
but this is not cool, man.
480
00:18:41,288 --> 00:18:42,918
I can't believe
that you would...
Hey, sweetie.
481
00:18:42,955 --> 00:18:44,115
Hey.
482
00:18:46,626 --> 00:18:48,456
Aww.
483
00:18:48,495 --> 00:18:50,125
Hey, Marshall.
484
00:18:50,163 --> 00:18:51,503
Hi, Kara.
485
00:18:51,531 --> 00:18:54,801
So you guys, are like,
back together now?
Yeah.
486
00:18:54,834 --> 00:18:56,344
Happened last night.
487
00:18:59,306 --> 00:19:00,606
Uh, I'm sorry, bro.
488
00:19:00,640 --> 00:19:01,640
I should have called you.
489
00:19:01,674 --> 00:19:02,944
Yeah, you should have.
490
00:19:02,975 --> 00:19:04,805
Well, I didn't mean to hurt...
Don't, Brad.
491
00:19:06,813 --> 00:19:08,953
Just don't.
492
00:19:08,981 --> 00:19:12,791
* There was something
in the air that night *
493
00:19:12,819 --> 00:19:14,949
* The stars went bright...
494
00:19:14,987 --> 00:19:17,117
Oh, what was with him?
495
00:19:17,156 --> 00:19:19,786
I don't know.
496
00:19:19,826 --> 00:19:22,056
I think he's in love with me.
497
00:19:23,830 --> 00:19:26,370
* Fernando...
498
00:19:31,204 --> 00:19:33,874
(screaming)
499
00:19:33,906 --> 00:19:36,136
I can't believe we just...
500
00:19:36,175 --> 00:19:38,345
you and I...
what have we done?
Nothing.
501
00:19:38,378 --> 00:19:39,378
Nothing happened.
502
00:19:39,412 --> 00:19:42,152
We-we just went to sleep.
503
00:19:42,181 --> 00:19:43,321
Just went to sleep?
504
00:19:43,350 --> 00:19:45,150
I don't sleep
in the same bed as a woman
505
00:19:45,184 --> 00:19:46,224
and not make a move.
506
00:19:46,253 --> 00:19:49,163
How could... You.
507
00:19:49,188 --> 00:19:52,488
You spooned me against my will.
508
00:19:52,525 --> 00:19:54,855
Hey, it takes two to cuddle.
509
00:19:54,894 --> 00:19:56,034
We...
510
00:19:58,064 --> 00:19:59,004
We...
511
00:19:59,031 --> 00:20:01,201
We redecorated my place.
512
00:20:02,201 --> 00:20:03,701
We stayed in
513
00:20:03,736 --> 00:20:05,036
on a Friday night
514
00:20:05,071 --> 00:20:06,041
to watch Letterman,
515
00:20:06,072 --> 00:20:08,342
and then slept together
and didn't have sex?
516
00:20:08,375 --> 00:20:11,735
Oh, my God,
we're in a relationship.
517
00:20:11,778 --> 00:20:14,748
That's what you think
a relationship is?
518
00:20:14,781 --> 00:20:16,681
You were supposed
to be the vaccine,
519
00:20:16,716 --> 00:20:18,586
but you gave me the disease.
520
00:20:18,618 --> 00:20:20,548
You gotta go.
521
00:20:20,587 --> 00:20:21,447
Barney.
522
00:20:22,889 --> 00:20:24,519
I don't think you're mad at me.
523
00:20:24,557 --> 00:20:26,387
You're mad at yourself.
524
00:20:27,760 --> 00:20:30,030
You let down your guard,
and let someone into your life,
525
00:20:30,062 --> 00:20:32,802
and-and it actually felt okay.
526
00:20:33,933 --> 00:20:36,243
And that terrifies you.
527
00:20:36,269 --> 00:20:37,739
Uh-huh.
528
00:20:37,770 --> 00:20:39,210
You gotta go.
529
00:20:39,238 --> 00:20:41,238
Hey, you can't just kick me out!
530
00:20:41,274 --> 00:20:43,084
I put a lot of work
into this place,
531
00:20:43,109 --> 00:20:46,049
and I've grown accustomed
to a certain standard of living.
532
00:20:46,078 --> 00:20:47,908
A certain standard of living?
533
00:20:47,947 --> 00:20:49,117
You didn't pay
a single...
Yeah...
534
00:20:49,148 --> 00:20:51,048
And so Mr. and Mrs. Stinson,
535
00:20:51,083 --> 00:20:53,593
after two weeks of marriage,
decided to call it quits.
536
00:20:53,620 --> 00:20:55,620
Fortunately,
they reached a settlement.
537
00:20:55,655 --> 00:20:57,215
And that's the story
538
00:20:57,256 --> 00:20:59,656
of how Aunt Lily
furnished her apartment.
539
00:21:04,263 --> 00:21:06,773
Marshall ran into Brad
again some time later.
540
00:21:06,799 --> 00:21:08,739
Oh, my God,
it's Brad.
541
00:21:08,768 --> 00:21:10,398
Laugh like I said
something really funny.
542
00:21:10,437 --> 00:21:11,797
Right, right.
That's was great.
543
00:21:11,838 --> 00:21:13,238
Hey, Marshall.
544
00:21:13,272 --> 00:21:15,072
Oh, hey, hey,
how's it going?
545
00:21:15,107 --> 00:21:17,237
It's good.
Hey, I'm, uh...
546
00:21:17,276 --> 00:21:19,076
Yeah, I know
who you are.
547
00:21:19,111 --> 00:21:21,911
Well, I got to go.
I got this thing.
548
00:21:21,948 --> 00:21:23,478
Yeah, me, too,
but more important.
549
00:21:23,516 --> 00:21:25,586
So, I guess I'll
see you around.
550
00:21:25,618 --> 00:21:27,018
Sure. Sure.
551
00:21:30,957 --> 00:21:32,587
Even if you
don't believe it,
552
00:21:32,625 --> 00:21:35,625
tell me he looks fat.
Totally looks fat.
35320
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