Original subtitles

TED: Your Uncle Barney was always a bit of an enigma.

In all the years we lived in New York,

none of us had ever set foot in his apartment.

Until one day, one of us did.

(screaming)

It's a pretty good story.

And believe it or not, alcohol did not play a role.

It all started two weeks earlier

at Lily's housewarming.

Welcome to my new home.

Oh, wow, Lily, this is...

Oh, this is all of it.

Yeah, I know it's small,

but it's got character.

Thank you.

And I am learning Lithuanian from my neighbors.

They're great.

They're always out there in the hall, you know,

cooking and gambling and giving each other haircuts.

It's nice.

Hey, is that a toilet in your kitchen?

Or a stove in your bathroom?

Oh, that's not just a stove.

That's a stovenkerator:

a combination of a stove,

oven, sink and refrigerator.

Stovenkerator.

Isn't that futuristic?

God, I hope not.

Hey, cool Murphy bed.

Yeah, it's kind of a mess.

I didn't make my bed this morning, so...

Oh!

You know what,

I bet sleeping at this angle is good for you.

For some reason.

I got it.

(man shouting in Lithuanian)

That was, something, something,

I am going to, something, you like a, something, donkey.

Huh.

Other cultures.

Hey,

let's break out the fruit basket.

Hey, who ate all the...?

(squeaking)

Okay, we have to get Lily out of that apartment.

Her roommate is a raccoon.

I'd offer her my place,

but I've got dogs and she's allergic.

Dogs? I live with her ex-boyfriend.

I think she's a little more allergic to that.

ROBIN: What about your place, Barney?

I know it's shrouded in mystery,

but it's gotta have a couch.

The Fortress of Barnitude? No way.

Come on. She's desperate.

Hmm, normally a prerequisite for the women I bring home,

but... pass.

One of you guys is very, very lucky

because I have...

a boom, an extra ticket

to the Alanis Morissette concert. Who's in? Ew.

Absolutely not. No.

Damn! I got these tickets, like, months ago

for me and Lily and now I can't find anyone to go with me.

This is what I miss about being in a couple.

I always had someone to go to concerts with,

or farmer's market,

or brunch.

God, I miss brunch!

Well, I guess you could...

well, you could try going to brunch alone.

Oh, you don't think I've tried?

Table for one.

One couple?

Um, no, just me.

Really? For brunch?

You're right. Who am I kidding?

Ooh, The Popover Pantry. That place is great.

Can we go get brunch tomorrow?

Of course, sweetie.

Can I go with you guys?

Really? For brunch?

God, I hate being single!

Okay, I'll take the over on the Pittsburgh game.

Oh, and P. to the S., I never got my payout

from Seattle from two weeks ago.

Yeah. Don't make me call the gaming commission on you.

I'm sure they'd be very interested

to know what's going on over there.

All right? All right?

Okay, I love you, too, Mom. Take care.

Hello, Lily.

You've somehow managed to circumvent my security.

How did you do it?

Ted gave me your spare key.

Spare key, brilliant!

I'm sorry, but you know I'd only come here

if I had no other choice.

But earlier today, I was getting ready to go to sleep and...

Sveikas.

That's terrible.

Well, see ya.

Well, can I stay here maybe? Oh...

I'd let you, but I don't have any room.

You live in a two-bedroom apartment.

You have one room just for your suits.

Hey, I'm at a point in my life

where my suits are my family.

Look around you, Lily.

You are in the heart of bachelor country,

and as a woman, you are an illegal immigrant here.

Now, you can try to apply for a sex visa,

but that only lasts 12 hours.

14 if you qualify for multiple entry.

(chuckles)

Eww... is something

some lame, judgmental chick would say,

but I say give me multiple high fives.

Wow, you really are desperate.

I really am.

Okay, you can stay here for two days.

(sighs) But I only have one rule.

You can't change anything.

Why would I change anything?

This place is...

...perfect.

Except for the fact that you don't have a TV.

See that wall?

(turns on TV, indistinct chatter from TV)

300-inch flat-screen.

They only sell them in Japan, but I know a guy.

Had to ship it over in a tugboat

like freakin' King Kong.

It hurts my eyes.

Yeah. That doesn't go away.

Hey.

Hey, where have you been?

The Alanis Morissette concert.

By yourself? No, actually I went

with a friend from law school.

Oh, really?

Who's this friend?

Brad.

Bro, Alanis Morissette rocks!

Totally! I can't believe

I almost didn't come tonight. Let me guess:

You bought the tickets for you and Lily

right before she dumped you.

Yeah, how'd you know?

I just got dumped myself.

What, Kara broke up with you?

I'm sorry, man. That sucks.

Brad, do you like brunch?

You invited him to brunch?

Yeah, I invited him to brunch. Why, is that weird?

Yes. That's why I was all,

"You invited him to brunch?"

Why can't two guys who are friends go to brunch?

Because brunch is kind of...

Girly.

Girly? Breakfast isn't girly.

Lunch isn't girly. What makes brunch girly?

I don't know.

There's nothing girly about a horse.

Nothing girly about a horn,

but put them together and you get a unicorn.

I don't care what either of you say,

I am going to The Popover Pantry with Brad.

We're here. We're hungry. Get used to it, brunch.

(sniffs): Hmm...

smells delicious. Thank you.

There was no food in the fridge, so I picked up...

What are you doing?

Lily, what was the first rule again?

Don't change anything?

And what was the second rule?

There was no second rule.

Exactly! There was only one rule

and you broke it.

I bought groceries.

That counts as changing something?

(sighs): Lily,

if I wanted a fridge full of groceries,

or fresh coffee in the morning,

I'd be in a relationship.

But I don't want to be in a relationship.

That's why I make it crystal-clear

to every girl that walks through that door

that this is not a place to leave a toothbrush.

This is not a place to leave a contact lens case.

This is a place to leave.

Come on, I'll give you a tour.

Uh, no flash photography, please.

Bienvenido to the bedroom.

Dig this: king-sized bed,

full-sized blanket, one pillow.

Everything about this bed says,

"Our work here is done."

Next we say bienvenue to the bathroom.

What, only one towel?

What, no hairdryer?

You know where I keep that stuff?

Your place. Beat it.

And the coup de grace...

Yeah, that's right.

Patent-pending.

And wilkommen to the hallway.

While guys like Ted and Marshall may hide their porn...

Marshall doesn't have porn.

Aww, that's sweet.

While guys like Ted and Marshall may hide their porn,

I had mine...

professionally lit.

Girls see this, they can't get out of here fast enough.

And if that doesn't drive them away,

there's always your life-sized storm-trooper.

No, that's just awesome.

So you see,

whenever a girl wakes up here,

I never have to tell her to go build her nest somewhere else.

My apartment does it for me.

God, I love brunch.

Oh, damn...

the zucchini bread is "ridonkulous."

This isn't weird, right?

I sort of thought it might be,

but it totally isn't.

And B-T-dub, you totally

did not oversell the eggs Benny.

Right? I mean,

why can't two single bros

go out and rock brunch Sunday morning-style?

Exactly. Thank you, that's exactly what I've been saying.

This must be destiny.

What are you talking about?

I have two tickets for Mamma Mia Friday night.

You like Abba, right?

(laughs): What am I saying? Who doesn't?

Anyway, I was gonna take Kara, but now it's all you and me.

We're gonna do Broadway, bro style. What do you say?

Yeah!

Hey. Did the cold wake you?

No, I've just been watching you sleep.

Oh, did you try and take a shower?

I'm sorry, I only have one clean towel.

I don't buy into the myth

that we need to shower every day.

Okay.

I'd offer you some coffee,

but I don't have any, so you're gonna have to...

I'm boycotting coffee.

You may as well drink the tears of a Colombian peasant farmer.

God, I love this place.

Good thing I don't have a job

because I could stay here all day.

I think I left something on the bookshelf.

Whoops. Oh, no, oh, look.

Oh, I'm disgusting.

Wow,

you're open about your sexuality

and that's one of the reasons I love you.

Did I just say that?

Oh, well, cat's out of the bag.

I love you.

Whoa, uh...

Okay, beep, beep. Backing up, um...

Hi, Barney. Oh...

Oh, my God.

Are you married? Is this your wife?

What? No.

Yes!

Yes? Yes.

You son of a bitch!

I can't believe I let you enter my sacred temple.

Come on, baby. Oh, Dawn, you can find...

Please, no. Oh, you don't understand.

(Dawn continues muttering) What have I done? This is the worst.

How could...?

You're not going anywhere.

Wow.

That was close.

That hippie chick wouldn't leave.

She was ready to squat here.

Well, she'd have to

with your spring-loaded toilet seat, wouldn't she?

She was freakishly immune to everything in my apartment...

except you.

You're better than porn.

Thank you?

How would you like to extend your stay here?

All you'd have to do

is pretend to be my wife,

and scare off the occasional one-night stand.

I know, I know. You've got your ethics.

You've got your principles... I'll do it.

Really?

Barney, you've clearly got

some serious mother issues that have left you

the emotional equivalent of a scavenging sewer rat.

But, in my

other apartment, I would be living

with an actual scavenging sewer rat, so you win.

I'll take it.

Mamma Mia?

Mamma Mia.

You know what?

It's supposed to be

a great musical, okay?

It won all sorts of Tonys and stuff.

No, totally.

It sounds like a really, really fun, exciting, third date.

Ooh, third date.

You know what that means.

(makes bed squeaking sound)

It is not a date, okay.

It's just two bros taking in a Broadway show.

You bros going to get dinner beforehand?

We might grab a steak, yeah.

Mmm-hmm. Where at?

Cafe L'Amour.

Brad says the food is really good there, okay.

Sounds like Brad's got quite the night planned out.

You better bring your "A" game.

That means no granny panties.

All right, you know what?

You two are just threatened

because I'm a single guy moving in on your couples' turf.

Well, guess what?

It's my territory now.

I'm peeing all over brunches, fancy dinners and musicals.

That's right; Brad and I are taking back Broadway.

What are you going to wear?

I was thinking like this collared shirt and these pin...

Oh, you know what? Shut up.

Can you pass the Arts and Leisure?

Can you pass the Arts and Leisure?

I just did.

Honey, I'm...

Barney, what the hell is going on here?

Lily, I can explain...

How could you?

In our own home?

You bastard!

I'm so sorry. I-I didn't know he had... Just get out.

This is what I get after I worked as a stripper

for four years to put you through medical school?

I got breast implants for you.

I...

I was just about to turn on the tears.

Brava.

That was incredible. And that

slap was genius.

You did not hold back.

Yeah, that I just always wanted to do.

Fair enough.

I have to say,

it's kind of nice having food around here for a change.

You know...

nah, never mind.

What?

You're my wife. You can tell me anything.

Well, if you really wanted to sell this ruse,

we should try to make this place a little more...

you know, homey.

Like-like a woman would actually live here.

What did you have in mind?

(lively tune plays)

* Bones, bones, brittle little bones *

* It's not the milk you seek

* It's the sun you need

* Sugar dumpling, muffin baby

* This world is going crazy

* Do-do, do-do

* Do-do, do-do

* Do-do, do-do, do

La, la, la.

Hey, you're home.

I didn't think we'd be seeing you

until tomorrow morning. Ha,ha,

ha, ha. It wasn't a date.

Okay, it was a date and it got way weird.

Oh, you really don't have to do that.

No, I insist.

You're my guest.

Thanks, Brad.

Bro,

you got some chocolate on your chin.

Still there.

I'll get that bad boy.

Whoa.

Well, it could have been worse.

It could have fallen in your lap.

It gets worse.

No, I-I can do it, Brad.

Okay, thank you.

So anyway, ah,

it's this Saturday. Do you want to come?

You want me to go to a wedding with you?

Okay, that's not too bad.

Two single guys on the prowl.

Just keep Brad away from the bouquet.

It gets worse.

It gets better.

The foliage

in Vermont this time of year is ridonk.

Vermont?

Yeah, the wedding's at this awesome B&B.

Kara and I used to go there.

Anyway,

there is one room left, and we got it.

Walt Whitman Suite, bro.

You said no, right?

Of course.

I understand.

It's cool.

It's the first time I was going to see my college friends

since Kara left me.

I just...

(sobbing): I just miss her so much.

I'll go to Vermont with you.

That's great!

You know, uh, they're registered at Pottery Barn.

I figure we could go halfsies on a gravy boat.

(laughing)

I'm sorry.

It's not funny anymore.

Damn you, brunch!

This guy's crazy, right?

Look, I don't think he's crazy.

I just think he's suffering

from a severe case of girlfriend withdrawal.

And unfortunately, you're his nicotine patch.

And now you have to do

what every dysfunctional couple has to do:

break up.

You're right. You're right.

I promised Brad I would go

to the wedding with him, and then that is it .

Good man.

Oh, I think we made the right decision

going for the custom-made Italian sheets. Hey,

if my bed's going suit up,

it's going to do it right.

Want to give it a whirl?

Oh.

(moans)

All right, I'm going to head out, hit the bars.

What are you going to do

tonight? Oh, I was just going to watch Letterman

but, God this bed is so comfy.

I wish you had a TV in here.

Okay, seriously,

what do you do for a living?

(chuckling): Please.

I thought you were going out.

Eh.

After the monologue.

The next morning, as the sun rose over Manhattan,

your Uncle Marshall headed over to Brad's apartment

to leave for the wedding in Vermont.

But when he got there...

No.

No...

No.

No!

No.

Ted.

Um, Brad got me flowers.

Hold on.

Brad got him flowers.

I'm sorry.

It just got funny again.

Oh, hey... No, Brad, uh,

I don't want to hear it. I do like you.

And calla lilies are my favorite flower.

I don't know how you knew that.

I guess you just get me, but this is not cool, man.

I can't believe that you would... Hey, sweetie.

Hey.

Aww.

Hey, Marshall.

Hi, Kara.

So you guys, are like, back together now? Yeah.

Happened last night.

Uh, I'm sorry, bro.

I should have called you.

Yeah, you should have.

Well, I didn't mean to hurt... Don't, Brad.

Just don't.

* There was something in the air that night *

* The stars went bright...

Oh, what was with him?

I don't know.

I think he's in love with me.

* Fernando...

(screaming)

I can't believe we just...

you and I... what have we done? Nothing.

Nothing happened.

We-we just went to sleep.

Just went to sleep?

I don't sleep in the same bed as a woman

and not make a move.

How could... You.

You spooned me against my will.

Hey, it takes two to cuddle.

We...

We...

We redecorated my place.

We stayed in

on a Friday night

to watch Letterman,

and then slept together and didn't have sex?

Oh, my God, we're in a relationship.

That's what you think a relationship is?

You were supposed to be the vaccine,

but you gave me the disease.

You gotta go.

Barney.

I don't think you're mad at me.

You're mad at yourself.

You let down your guard, and let someone into your life,

and-and it actually felt okay.

And that terrifies you.

Uh-huh.

You gotta go.

Hey, you can't just kick me out!

I put a lot of work into this place,

and I've grown accustomed to a certain standard of living.

A certain standard of living?

You didn't pay a single... Yeah...

And so Mr. and Mrs. Stinson,

after two weeks of marriage, decided to call it quits.

Fortunately, they reached a settlement.

And that's the story

of how Aunt Lily furnished her apartment.

Marshall ran into Brad again some time later.

Oh, my God, it's Brad.

Laugh like I said something really funny.

Right, right. That's was great.

Hey, Marshall.

Oh, hey, hey, how's it going?

It's good. Hey, I'm, uh...

Yeah, I know who you are.

Well, I got to go. I got this thing.

Yeah, me, too, but more important.

So, I guess I'll see you around.

Sure. Sure.

Even if you don't believe it,

tell me he looks fat. Totally looks fat.