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1
00:00:01,469 --> 00:00:03,199
TED:
Marshall and Lily
had been together
2
00:00:03,271 --> 00:00:05,411
for nine wonderful years,
3
00:00:05,473 --> 00:00:08,313
until she dumped him
and ran off to San Francisco.
4
00:00:08,376 --> 00:00:11,646
The healing process
was taking a long time.
5
00:00:11,712 --> 00:00:13,282
(groans)
6
00:00:13,347 --> 00:00:15,177
Then, one night,
he made a giant leap forward.
7
00:00:15,249 --> 00:00:16,779
All right, I'll
see you guys later.
8
00:00:16,850 --> 00:00:18,020
I'll walk you out.
9
00:00:18,086 --> 00:00:20,346
MARSHALL:
See ya.
10
00:00:22,956 --> 00:00:25,126
You just checked out
Robin's ass.
11
00:00:25,193 --> 00:00:27,733
What? No!
N-No, Barney, I was...
12
00:00:27,795 --> 00:00:29,425
Dude, that's awesome.
13
00:00:29,497 --> 00:00:30,927
You're finally
forgetting
14
00:00:30,998 --> 00:00:33,668
about that short redhead.
Lily.
15
00:00:33,734 --> 00:00:34,704
Yes, Lily. Thank you.
16
00:00:34,768 --> 00:00:36,738
That was going to drive me
crazy all night.
17
00:00:36,804 --> 00:00:39,274
Hey, Ted, Marshall just checked
out your girlfriend's ass.
18
00:00:39,340 --> 00:00:41,580
I did not, Ted, I...
That's awesome.
19
00:00:41,642 --> 00:00:42,982
You're finally
getting better.
20
00:00:43,043 --> 00:00:44,753
This is the moment
I've been waiting for.
21
00:00:44,812 --> 00:00:47,952
Starting tonight, I am going
to teach you how to live.
22
00:00:48,015 --> 00:00:50,045
Ted, you had your chance.
You're out; Marshall's in.
23
00:00:50,118 --> 00:00:52,248
Yes!
Oh, God.
24
00:00:52,320 --> 00:00:56,320
Marshall, being a single guy
in New York City is like...
25
00:00:56,390 --> 00:00:58,560
What's something
everybody likes?
Candy.
26
00:00:58,626 --> 00:01:01,526
Yes, it's like being
in a candy store.
27
00:01:01,595 --> 00:01:04,625
You just walk right in
and grab yourself some Whoppers.
28
00:01:04,698 --> 00:01:06,268
(groans)
Yeah.
29
00:01:07,101 --> 00:01:08,841
Is Whoppers the best one?
30
00:01:08,902 --> 00:01:09,842
Mounds.
31
00:01:09,903 --> 00:01:11,043
Milk Duds.
32
00:01:11,105 --> 00:01:12,605
Gobstoppers.
33
00:01:12,673 --> 00:01:15,713
This went on for another hour;
I'll just skip to the end.
34
00:01:17,478 --> 00:01:18,878
Dubble Bubbles.
Nice!
35
00:01:18,946 --> 00:01:20,176
Marshall.
36
00:01:20,248 --> 00:01:21,178
We're doing this.
37
00:01:21,249 --> 00:01:23,079
I am not taking no
for an answer.
38
00:01:23,151 --> 00:01:25,221
Fine.
(chuckles)
Hey, Robin.
39
00:01:25,286 --> 00:01:26,286
Marshall checked out your ass.
40
00:01:26,354 --> 00:01:28,194
Ted, what is wrong with you?
41
00:01:28,256 --> 00:01:29,856
He checked out my ass.
42
00:01:29,923 --> 00:01:30,993
Hey, tell him thanks.
43
00:01:31,058 --> 00:01:33,058
I felt like I was having
a bad ass day.
44
00:01:33,127 --> 00:01:35,627
Cool, see ya.
45
00:01:38,132 --> 00:01:39,202
Lily.
46
00:01:39,267 --> 00:01:42,437
It is a great ass.
47
00:01:57,050 --> 00:01:59,490
TED:
None of us had seen Lily
in three months.
48
00:01:59,553 --> 00:02:01,363
There were so many
unanswered questions,
49
00:02:01,422 --> 00:02:02,692
so many things to say.
50
00:02:02,756 --> 00:02:05,926
Your hair is adorable.
51
00:02:05,993 --> 00:02:08,003
(both giggling)
52
00:02:08,061 --> 00:02:10,661
Meanwhile, Barney was taking
Marshall out to meet women
53
00:02:10,731 --> 00:02:13,031
for the first time
since he was 17.
54
00:02:13,100 --> 00:02:14,100
Just wing it.
Come on.
55
00:02:14,168 --> 00:02:15,938
Hi. Have you
met Marshall?
56
00:02:16,003 --> 00:02:17,843
Hi.
Hi.
57
00:02:19,006 --> 00:02:22,406
Look how sweaty my hands are.
58
00:02:23,444 --> 00:02:25,684
It's weird, right? Uh, sweat?
59
00:02:25,746 --> 00:02:29,746
Like, this smelly water
coming out of your skin.
60
00:02:30,951 --> 00:02:32,651
Eww.
It was nice meeting you.
61
00:02:32,720 --> 00:02:35,920
I-I-I hate to
interrupt, but, uh,
62
00:02:35,989 --> 00:02:37,929
do you like magic?
63
00:02:37,991 --> 00:02:39,691
Um, I guess.
64
00:02:39,760 --> 00:02:40,790
(gasps)
65
00:02:42,129 --> 00:02:44,229
Oh, my God!
66
00:02:46,767 --> 00:02:48,637
(laughing)
67
00:02:48,702 --> 00:02:51,102
Anyway, Marshall
here is awesome.
68
00:02:51,171 --> 00:02:53,071
Salad in a bag? His idea.
69
00:02:53,140 --> 00:02:54,240
Dude!
70
00:02:54,308 --> 00:02:55,808
You were awesome last night.
71
00:02:55,876 --> 00:02:56,876
You were charming,
72
00:02:56,944 --> 00:02:59,814
you were funny, you were totally
working that girl.
73
00:02:59,880 --> 00:03:00,950
You went home with her.
74
00:03:01,014 --> 00:03:02,684
Yes, I did.
75
00:03:02,750 --> 00:03:04,180
But she told me
76
00:03:04,252 --> 00:03:07,662
that if it wasn't for me, you
would have had a shot with her,
77
00:03:07,721 --> 00:03:10,691
so, in hypothetical terms,
you scored last night.
78
00:03:10,758 --> 00:03:12,128
All right!
79
00:03:12,192 --> 00:03:13,932
Hypothetical high five.
80
00:03:14,995 --> 00:03:16,755
Nice.
81
00:03:16,830 --> 00:03:19,230
All right. Tonight, we're going
to go to the bar...
82
00:03:19,300 --> 00:03:22,100
Barney, no, I am not going
out with you ever again.
83
00:03:22,169 --> 00:03:25,439
Come on! I'll, I'll teach you
all of my strategies.
Oh, really?
84
00:03:25,506 --> 00:03:27,336
My favorite, number seven:
85
00:03:27,408 --> 00:03:29,338
create a mystery about yourself.
86
00:03:29,410 --> 00:03:30,840
That way,
they become so intrigued,
87
00:03:30,911 --> 00:03:33,211
they have to hang out
with you all night.
88
00:03:33,281 --> 00:03:34,721
Oh, come on, does
that really work?
89
00:03:34,782 --> 00:03:38,552
Maybe it does,
and maybe it doesn't.
90
00:03:40,988 --> 00:03:42,018
Damn it, that's intriguing.
91
00:03:42,089 --> 00:03:43,289
Okay, I'm in.
92
00:03:46,159 --> 00:03:48,999
I have something you've
got to hear.
You will not
believe what just happened.
93
00:03:49,062 --> 00:03:50,632
You go first.
94
00:03:50,698 --> 00:03:53,598
I found a 1939 penny
on the subway.
95
00:03:53,667 --> 00:03:55,897
Just imagine
the kind of history
96
00:03:55,969 --> 00:03:57,139
this little copper guy...
97
00:03:57,204 --> 00:03:58,514
Lily's back in town.
98
00:03:58,572 --> 00:04:02,412
And you let me go first?
Have you seen her?
99
00:04:02,476 --> 00:04:04,206
Uh, yeah. I actually went
100
00:04:04,278 --> 00:04:05,908
apartment-hunting
with her today.
101
00:04:05,979 --> 00:04:07,249
How's she doing?
102
00:04:07,315 --> 00:04:08,715
You're not going to like it.
103
00:04:09,517 --> 00:04:11,387
I am doing great.
104
00:04:11,452 --> 00:04:13,692
This summer,
best thing ever!
105
00:04:13,754 --> 00:04:16,364
San Francisco is so
happening right now.
106
00:04:16,424 --> 00:04:17,694
She's happy?!
107
00:04:17,758 --> 00:04:19,988
Marshall had the worst
summer of his life,
108
00:04:20,060 --> 00:04:22,400
and she's happy.
109
00:04:22,463 --> 00:04:24,203
Yeah, and I suppose
her art program
110
00:04:24,264 --> 00:04:26,174
was all fulfilling or whatever.
111
00:04:26,233 --> 00:04:29,603
Oh. The art program--
best thing ever.
112
00:04:29,670 --> 00:04:31,410
Oh, my God.
113
00:04:31,472 --> 00:04:33,372
This is your best work.
114
00:04:33,441 --> 00:04:35,011
In all my years teaching,
I've never seen
115
00:04:35,075 --> 00:04:37,505
anything so...
116
00:04:37,578 --> 00:04:40,308
Needless to say,
this is art.
117
00:04:40,381 --> 00:04:41,621
(chuckles)
118
00:04:41,682 --> 00:04:44,252
I can't teach you anything.
119
00:04:44,318 --> 00:04:46,288
(gasps)
120
00:04:46,354 --> 00:04:47,994
(chuckles)
121
00:04:48,055 --> 00:04:49,915
But the best part of S.F.--
122
00:04:49,990 --> 00:04:50,720
Oh, that's what
123
00:04:50,791 --> 00:04:53,591
we call San Francisco--
the people.
124
00:04:53,661 --> 00:04:56,001
Even just riding around
on the bus all summer.
125
00:04:56,063 --> 00:04:59,073
It was like a human tapestry.
126
00:04:59,132 --> 00:05:00,702
Hi, I'm Mike.
127
00:05:00,768 --> 00:05:04,098
I'm a Buddhist monk slash
adventure-traveler writer.
128
00:05:04,171 --> 00:05:07,311
I'm Paula. I sing in a
punk band for children.
129
00:05:07,375 --> 00:05:08,835
Yeah.
130
00:05:08,909 --> 00:05:10,609
I'm Dan, I'm a neurosurgeon.
131
00:05:10,678 --> 00:05:12,548
You are stunning, by the way.
132
00:05:15,215 --> 00:05:17,615
Wow. I'm so happy for you.
133
00:05:17,685 --> 00:05:20,715
Oh, she's such a...
134
00:05:20,788 --> 00:05:23,288
After what she did to Marshall,
135
00:05:23,357 --> 00:05:25,727
she should come back here
devastated,
136
00:05:25,793 --> 00:05:27,533
crawling on all fours
over the broken glass
137
00:05:27,595 --> 00:05:28,895
of her own shame and regret.
138
00:05:28,962 --> 00:05:31,702
You never chose sides.
I respect that.
139
00:05:31,765 --> 00:05:32,895
She's unbelievable.
Unbelievable.
140
00:05:32,966 --> 00:05:35,966
Unbelievable?
What's unbelievable?
141
00:05:36,036 --> 00:05:37,136
Oh. Listen, Marshall.
142
00:05:37,204 --> 00:05:38,614
Ted found a penny
on the subway,
143
00:05:38,672 --> 00:05:42,812
and it's old, and
that's interesting.
144
00:05:42,876 --> 00:05:44,876
Way to go.
145
00:05:48,616 --> 00:05:50,676
Okay, first of all,
that is interesting.
146
00:05:50,751 --> 00:05:52,521
Second, we have
to tell him.
147
00:05:52,586 --> 00:05:54,016
No, we don't.
148
00:05:54,087 --> 00:05:56,087
He's just starting to get
better, going out with Barney.
149
00:05:56,156 --> 00:05:58,356
I mean, how do you think
he's going to feel
150
00:05:58,426 --> 00:05:59,556
when he hears
Lily's moved on?
151
00:05:59,627 --> 00:06:01,227
She's moved on?
152
00:06:01,294 --> 00:06:03,134
It happens.
I've fallen out of love
153
00:06:03,196 --> 00:06:04,296
faster than that before,
154
00:06:04,364 --> 00:06:05,974
sometimes, boom, with
no warning whatsoever.
155
00:06:06,033 --> 00:06:09,473
One day we're in love,
the next day, he's dead to me.
156
00:06:10,504 --> 00:06:14,714
But we're great. Honey.
157
00:06:17,310 --> 00:06:20,080
Now, let's review
Barney's rules for
mating without dating.
158
00:06:20,147 --> 00:06:22,577
Lesson two, corollary five.
159
00:06:22,650 --> 00:06:25,890
Make a beautiful woman feel
self-conscious and unattractive,
160
00:06:25,953 --> 00:06:27,393
and she'll be
putty in your hands.
161
00:06:27,455 --> 00:06:28,455
Excellent.
162
00:06:28,522 --> 00:06:30,062
Have you chosen your entrée?
163
00:06:30,123 --> 00:06:33,093
I have. Sweet brunette,
eight o'clock.
164
00:06:33,160 --> 00:06:34,500
Nine o'clock. Ten... thirty.
165
00:06:34,562 --> 00:06:36,132
She's walking to the bar.
166
00:06:37,164 --> 00:06:38,104
Her? Really?
167
00:06:38,165 --> 00:06:39,065
Yeah.
168
00:06:39,132 --> 00:06:40,472
No, you're right.
169
00:06:40,534 --> 00:06:42,374
Ambition is the enemy
of success.
170
00:06:42,436 --> 00:06:43,736
Okay. Hit it.
171
00:06:46,073 --> 00:06:48,243
(smacks lips)
172
00:06:48,308 --> 00:06:49,238
What's the matter, four eyes,
173
00:06:49,309 --> 00:06:50,539
you got astigmatism
or something?
174
00:06:50,611 --> 00:06:52,081
I'm sorry, I was trying
to playfully disarm you,
175
00:06:52,145 --> 00:06:53,905
but I just got out
of a long relationship.
176
00:06:53,981 --> 00:06:56,451
I have no idea
what I'm doing.
177
00:06:56,517 --> 00:06:58,217
I'm Marshall.
178
00:06:58,285 --> 00:07:00,245
Hi, Marshall. Amy.
179
00:07:00,320 --> 00:07:02,020
Don't worry. I've been there.
180
00:07:02,089 --> 00:07:03,419
Hold on.
181
00:07:03,491 --> 00:07:06,131
Nice recovery.
I think it's working.
182
00:07:06,193 --> 00:07:07,093
Um, Amy.
183
00:07:07,160 --> 00:07:08,500
This is my friend, Barney.
184
00:07:08,562 --> 00:07:10,202
Barney, this is Amy.
185
00:07:10,263 --> 00:07:11,263
Hi, Barney.
186
00:07:11,331 --> 00:07:13,031
Nice to
meet you.
Hi.
187
00:07:13,834 --> 00:07:18,144
Amy, do you like... magic?
188
00:07:18,205 --> 00:07:21,165
I hate you.
I am so sorry.
189
00:07:21,241 --> 00:07:22,281
It's a sickness.
190
00:07:22,342 --> 00:07:24,012
I'm the real victim here.
191
00:07:24,077 --> 00:07:25,407
Twice.
192
00:07:25,479 --> 00:07:27,479
Twice in a row,
you took my candy.
193
00:07:27,548 --> 00:07:29,178
That was my candy.
194
00:07:29,249 --> 00:07:30,419
I know, but tonight...
195
00:07:30,484 --> 00:07:31,354
No.
196
00:07:31,418 --> 00:07:32,418
Forget it.
197
00:07:32,486 --> 00:07:34,616
You're such a jackass.
198
00:07:37,024 --> 00:07:38,834
I thought you were gonna
call me a jerk.
199
00:07:40,460 --> 00:07:41,630
All right, I'm sorry.
200
00:07:41,695 --> 00:07:43,725
I will make it up to you.
201
00:07:43,797 --> 00:07:44,997
Tonight, we'll go
to a college bar
202
00:07:45,065 --> 00:07:47,795
near NYU--
The Scorpion and the Toad.
203
00:07:47,868 --> 00:07:48,638
I figure
204
00:07:48,702 --> 00:07:49,842
in a younger crowd
205
00:07:49,903 --> 00:07:51,473
you'll seem more mature,
more worldly
206
00:07:51,539 --> 00:07:55,079
and, as a third-year
law student, more smarter.
207
00:07:59,079 --> 00:08:00,179
Okay, but no magic.
208
00:08:04,217 --> 00:08:05,317
How did you do that?
209
00:08:05,385 --> 00:08:07,485
I'm taking a leak, dumb ass.
210
00:08:09,657 --> 00:08:11,017
Robin and I met Lily
211
00:08:11,091 --> 00:08:12,691
outside the next apartment
she was seeing.
212
00:08:12,760 --> 00:08:15,430
But I need the freedom
to really chase my passion,
213
00:08:15,495 --> 00:08:16,455
which was painting,
214
00:08:16,530 --> 00:08:17,830
but now I think
it's music
215
00:08:17,898 --> 00:08:19,728
or spoken word-- maybe both.
216
00:08:19,800 --> 00:08:21,570
God! Isn't life amazing?
217
00:08:21,635 --> 00:08:24,805
It is so great
to see you, Ted.
218
00:08:24,872 --> 00:08:28,042
I'm going to get the key
from the lockbox.
219
00:08:28,108 --> 00:08:29,938
Hmm?
220
00:08:30,010 --> 00:08:31,040
What?
221
00:08:31,111 --> 00:08:32,111
She's miserable.
222
00:08:32,179 --> 00:08:33,649
She's realized she's
made a huge mistake.
223
00:08:33,714 --> 00:08:35,624
Her and Marshall will be back
together in a week.
224
00:08:35,683 --> 00:08:37,593
I love it!
Um, no. You just
225
00:08:37,651 --> 00:08:38,721
want Lily to be miserable.
226
00:08:38,786 --> 00:08:39,946
The truth is, she's happy.
227
00:08:40,020 --> 00:08:41,920
Trust me. I've known
Lily for nine years.
228
00:08:41,989 --> 00:08:43,259
Trust me. I'm a girl.
229
00:08:43,323 --> 00:08:44,693
Yeah, but you're Canadian.
Why do you always
230
00:08:44,758 --> 00:08:46,058
have to bring that up?
231
00:08:46,126 --> 00:08:47,426
You're our weird
neighbors to the north.
232
00:08:47,494 --> 00:08:49,504
You bring it up every time.
All right,
five bucks says
233
00:08:49,563 --> 00:08:51,133
she still wants Marshall.
234
00:08:51,198 --> 00:08:52,928
You're on.
235
00:08:53,000 --> 00:08:55,340
Five American bucks.
Damn it.
236
00:08:55,402 --> 00:08:57,202
Okay, so how do we get
237
00:08:57,270 --> 00:08:57,940
the truth out of her.
238
00:08:58,005 --> 00:09:00,265
Tequila. It's
her weakness.
239
00:09:00,340 --> 00:09:02,140
Three shots, she'll tell you
the truth about anything.
240
00:09:03,276 --> 00:09:05,606
I hope this is my new home.
241
00:09:08,448 --> 00:09:11,148
Yeah, I'm going to take
that first apartment.
242
00:09:11,218 --> 00:09:12,788
(knocking)
243
00:09:12,853 --> 00:09:14,923
Marshall Eriksen, suit up!
244
00:09:14,988 --> 00:09:16,688
No way.
Yeah, you're
good in that.
245
00:09:16,757 --> 00:09:18,187
Let's go.
246
00:09:18,258 --> 00:09:19,458
(clears throat)
Wait.
247
00:09:19,526 --> 00:09:20,826
Empty your pockets.
248
00:09:20,894 --> 00:09:22,904
Come on.
249
00:09:28,468 --> 00:09:29,498
Come on, let's...
250
00:09:29,569 --> 00:09:30,499
(clears throat)
Sleeves.
251
00:09:30,570 --> 00:09:32,570
There is nothing in my...
252
00:09:32,640 --> 00:09:39,910
Oh, is that right?
253
00:09:39,980 --> 00:09:40,980
Uh-huh.
254
00:09:41,048 --> 00:09:42,618
Let's go.
(clears throat)
255
00:09:42,683 --> 00:09:44,723
Behind my ear.
256
00:09:44,785 --> 00:09:46,415
There is nothing behind your...
257
00:09:46,486 --> 00:09:48,186
BOTH:
Oh.
258
00:09:51,491 --> 00:09:53,231
WOMAN:
Yeah, I'm in pre-law.
259
00:09:53,293 --> 00:09:55,703
The workload's
killing me, though.
260
00:09:55,763 --> 00:09:56,863
Oh, tell me about it.
261
00:09:56,930 --> 00:09:58,530
I'm third year
at Columbia Law, so...
262
00:09:58,598 --> 00:09:59,768
Hmm.
if the workload
263
00:09:59,833 --> 00:10:01,503
does kill you, I can
probably get a conviction.
264
00:10:01,568 --> 00:10:02,598
(both laughing)
265
00:10:02,670 --> 00:10:04,100
Yeah.
266
00:10:05,105 --> 00:10:06,935
You must be
majoring in
chemistry,
267
00:10:07,007 --> 00:10:10,437
'cause what I'm picking
up between us is, uh...
268
00:10:10,510 --> 00:10:12,350
College lesbian phase.
269
00:10:15,783 --> 00:10:18,623
Listen, I got to go,
270
00:10:18,686 --> 00:10:20,086
but it'd be great
to see you again.
271
00:10:20,153 --> 00:10:23,023
Yes, it would.
272
00:10:23,090 --> 00:10:25,630
It really would.
273
00:10:25,693 --> 00:10:27,593
Well, maybe I'll
see you here sometime.
274
00:10:27,661 --> 00:10:31,501
Probably not.
I'm never here, so...
275
00:10:31,564 --> 00:10:33,234
You know, I do have
a phone number.
276
00:10:33,300 --> 00:10:36,740
Great. Nice.
277
00:10:36,804 --> 00:10:38,544
Hi, I'm Barney.
278
00:10:38,605 --> 00:10:39,535
Oh, no.
279
00:10:39,606 --> 00:10:41,506
Do you...
280
00:10:41,574 --> 00:10:43,244
mind giving my friend
your phone number?
281
00:10:43,310 --> 00:10:44,710
Sure.
282
00:10:47,047 --> 00:10:48,577
Whoo!
283
00:10:48,648 --> 00:10:51,018
I did it! I got
a girl's phone number.
284
00:10:51,084 --> 00:10:53,224
Oh, and her handwriting
is so cute, look.
285
00:10:53,286 --> 00:10:55,356
Oh, I'm gonna take
her out for Chinese food
286
00:10:55,422 --> 00:10:57,322
and then maybe we'll
walk through the park.
287
00:10:57,390 --> 00:10:58,590
It'll be so... what?
288
00:10:58,658 --> 00:11:01,388
Sorry, buddy, I'm
taking this one, too.
289
00:11:07,234 --> 00:11:08,244
I'll kill you!
290
00:11:08,301 --> 00:11:11,141
And then, I discovered
this area, North Beach.
291
00:11:11,204 --> 00:11:12,444
Best beach ever!
292
00:11:12,505 --> 00:11:13,765
Oh, I've been
293
00:11:13,841 --> 00:11:16,381
blabbering on about my summer.
294
00:11:16,443 --> 00:11:18,513
How are you guys doing?
295
00:11:18,578 --> 00:11:19,778
And hey, how's Marshall?
296
00:11:19,847 --> 00:11:21,207
Give me the card!
I'm not giving you any card.
297
00:11:21,281 --> 00:11:23,151
I swear...!
You are not getting...!
298
00:11:23,216 --> 00:11:24,216
Terrific.
299
00:11:24,284 --> 00:11:25,354
That is so good to hear.
300
00:11:25,418 --> 00:11:26,348
(cell phone ringing)
301
00:11:26,419 --> 00:11:27,219
Oh, hold on.
302
00:11:27,287 --> 00:11:29,357
This could be
about the apartment.
303
00:11:29,422 --> 00:11:31,222
(ringing continues)
304
00:11:31,291 --> 00:11:33,331
Okay, we're way past
truth-telling-Lily
305
00:11:33,393 --> 00:11:34,903
and about to hit
Cinco-de-Mayo-1998-Lily
306
00:11:34,962 --> 00:11:36,532
and I'm not cleaning
that up again.
307
00:11:36,596 --> 00:11:39,866
So, congratulations,
you win.
308
00:11:39,933 --> 00:11:41,633
She's happy.
309
00:11:41,701 --> 00:11:43,341
I didn't get it.
310
00:11:44,471 --> 00:11:46,271
That first apartment, I...
311
00:11:46,339 --> 00:11:47,879
I waited too long and...
312
00:11:47,941 --> 00:11:50,581
somebody else got it.
313
00:11:50,643 --> 00:11:53,113
(crying)
314
00:11:53,180 --> 00:11:55,480
Interesting.
315
00:11:56,416 --> 00:11:57,886
Wow, Lily,
you, uh...
316
00:11:57,951 --> 00:11:59,721
seem to be having a
pretty strong reaction
317
00:11:59,787 --> 00:12:00,987
on losing an apartment.
318
00:12:01,054 --> 00:12:03,064
I wonder if it's
because it reminds you
319
00:12:03,123 --> 00:12:05,693
of something else
you lost because
you couldn't commit.
320
00:12:05,759 --> 00:12:07,689
(continues crying)
No, Lily,
321
00:12:07,761 --> 00:12:09,401
you're crying
over the crown molding
322
00:12:09,462 --> 00:12:10,762
and the real
hardwood floors.
323
00:12:10,831 --> 00:12:12,731
There's no
deeper meaning.
324
00:12:12,800 --> 00:12:14,940
Right, Lily? Just quit
crying and tell him.
325
00:12:15,002 --> 00:12:16,672
(crying continues)
326
00:12:16,736 --> 00:12:20,436
The apartment is a metaphor
for Marshall.
327
00:12:27,948 --> 00:12:29,348
Stop it.
You don't want to see
328
00:12:29,416 --> 00:12:31,116
what I'm like
when I'm angry.
329
00:12:31,184 --> 00:12:32,124
Stop! Hold on!
330
00:12:32,185 --> 00:12:33,485
If we can't settle
this like gentlemen,
331
00:12:33,553 --> 00:12:34,523
then no one
gets the number.
332
00:12:34,587 --> 00:12:35,917
(screams)
333
00:12:35,989 --> 00:12:37,259
Stop the cab.
Wha...?
334
00:12:37,324 --> 00:12:38,934
(tires screech)
335
00:12:38,992 --> 00:12:40,432
No, wait. Come on.
336
00:12:40,493 --> 00:12:42,363
Marshall!
(door closes)
337
00:12:42,429 --> 00:12:44,969
81st and First, please.
338
00:12:47,000 --> 00:12:49,470
Ah, she does have
cute handwriting.
339
00:12:50,770 --> 00:12:53,070
TED:
The thing about a hangover
340
00:12:53,140 --> 00:12:54,810
is that everyone has their
own special remedy.
341
00:12:54,875 --> 00:12:55,875
WAITER:
Morning, guys.
342
00:12:55,943 --> 00:12:57,243
What can I get you?
Shh!
343
00:12:57,310 --> 00:13:00,550
Bring me the dirtiest,
greasiest tuna melt you got.
344
00:13:00,613 --> 00:13:02,253
And a milk shake.
345
00:13:02,315 --> 00:13:04,215
For you, sir?
346
00:13:04,284 --> 00:13:07,294
Gravy.
347
00:13:07,354 --> 00:13:09,494
You want that gravy
on something?
348
00:13:09,556 --> 00:13:11,456
Surprise me.
349
00:13:11,524 --> 00:13:13,064
I'd take you with gravy
350
00:13:13,126 --> 00:13:15,656
if my boyfriend wasn't
sitting right here.
351
00:13:15,728 --> 00:13:17,968
Just kidding. I'm good.
352
00:13:19,566 --> 00:13:21,226
What are you so chirpy about?
353
00:13:21,301 --> 00:13:23,601
She's still drunk
from last night.
354
00:13:23,670 --> 00:13:25,240
I don't think so.
355
00:13:25,305 --> 00:13:27,535
Whoo!
356
00:13:29,142 --> 00:13:31,342
Look, if you want
Marshall back so bad,
357
00:13:31,411 --> 00:13:34,351
how come it took you two
days to even ask about him?
358
00:13:34,414 --> 00:13:35,884
I was dying to ask.
359
00:13:35,949 --> 00:13:38,219
I was just trying
to play it cool.
360
00:13:38,285 --> 00:13:39,815
But really...
361
00:13:39,887 --> 00:13:41,547
But it's good, I mean,
work is great...
362
00:13:41,621 --> 00:13:43,021
LILY:
Come on, say something
about Marshall.
363
00:13:43,090 --> 00:13:44,120
Where's Marshall?
How's Marshall?
364
00:13:44,191 --> 00:13:45,291
What's Marshall
doing right now?
365
00:13:45,358 --> 00:13:46,688
Shut up and talk
about Marshall.
366
00:13:46,759 --> 00:13:47,829
Shut up
and talk about Marshall.
367
00:13:47,895 --> 00:13:49,055
Shut up and talk
about Marshall.
368
00:13:49,129 --> 00:13:51,099
Marshall, Marshall,
Marshall, Marshall...
369
00:13:51,164 --> 00:13:52,604
I've got to ask!
370
00:13:52,665 --> 00:13:54,595
And hey, how's Marshall?
371
00:13:54,667 --> 00:13:56,097
It was such an awful summer.
372
00:13:56,169 --> 00:13:58,909
I just wanted to get
back here and see him.
373
00:13:58,972 --> 00:14:00,812
But I thought
your summer was great.
374
00:14:00,874 --> 00:14:02,814
Not exactly.
375
00:14:02,876 --> 00:14:05,676
Oh, my God.
376
00:14:05,745 --> 00:14:07,545
This is your best work?
377
00:14:08,815 --> 00:14:10,045
In all my years teaching,
378
00:14:10,117 --> 00:14:12,587
I've never seen anything
so needless.
379
00:14:13,820 --> 00:14:16,390
To say this is... art...
380
00:14:18,191 --> 00:14:20,131
I can't teach you anything.
381
00:14:21,594 --> 00:14:25,474
So all those interesting people
you met on the bus?
382
00:14:25,532 --> 00:14:27,602
Yeah, um...
383
00:14:27,667 --> 00:14:29,637
Hi. I'm Mike.
384
00:14:29,702 --> 00:14:33,442
I'm a Buddhist monk slash
adventure travel writer.
385
00:14:33,506 --> 00:14:38,376
(imitating woman):
I'm Paula. I sing
in a punk band for children.
386
00:14:38,445 --> 00:14:40,305
(deep voice):
I'm Dan. I'm
a neurosurgeon.
387
00:14:40,380 --> 00:14:44,990
You are stunning,
by the way.
388
00:14:45,052 --> 00:14:47,852
I never got in touch
because I was too embarrassed.
389
00:14:47,921 --> 00:14:49,621
I screwed
everything up.
390
00:14:49,689 --> 00:14:52,689
I have no job,
no place to live.
391
00:14:52,759 --> 00:14:55,329
I lost the love of my life.
392
00:14:56,796 --> 00:14:58,566
I know I have no right
to ask this,
393
00:14:58,631 --> 00:15:01,401
but do you think Marshall
would take me back?
394
00:15:01,468 --> 00:15:02,938
In a heartbeat.
395
00:15:03,003 --> 00:15:04,343
If you called
him up, yeah,
396
00:15:04,404 --> 00:15:06,714
he'd take you back
with open arms.
397
00:15:06,773 --> 00:15:10,143
Wow. So maybe I should call him.
398
00:15:10,210 --> 00:15:12,480
Maybe.
399
00:15:12,545 --> 00:15:14,705
No! This is... Ow!
400
00:15:14,781 --> 00:15:16,181
Hold on.
401
00:15:16,249 --> 00:15:18,849
Look, if you're going
to go back to him,
402
00:15:18,918 --> 00:15:20,448
I don't want to hear
the word "maybe."
403
00:15:20,520 --> 00:15:22,320
"Maybe" cannot be
in your vocabulary.
404
00:15:22,389 --> 00:15:24,419
This breakup
almost killed him.
405
00:15:24,491 --> 00:15:26,631
And he cannot go through
it again.
406
00:15:26,693 --> 00:15:27,763
So, unless
407
00:15:27,827 --> 00:15:29,757
you're absolutely certain,
408
00:15:29,829 --> 00:15:31,199
stay the hell away from him.
409
00:15:35,602 --> 00:15:37,672
This guy likes pennies.
410
00:15:40,440 --> 00:15:41,470
Hi, Marshall.
411
00:15:41,541 --> 00:15:43,881
No, go away. I don't
want to talk to you.
412
00:15:43,943 --> 00:15:46,553
Okay, I know what I did
a couple nights back
413
00:15:46,613 --> 00:15:48,923
is in a moral
gray area.
414
00:15:48,982 --> 00:15:52,292
But the great news is,
she loved you.
415
00:15:52,352 --> 00:15:54,052
If things had
gone your way--
416
00:15:54,121 --> 00:15:55,391
you'd gone out
a couple times,
417
00:15:55,455 --> 00:15:57,715
I think she definitely would
have had sex with you.
418
00:15:57,790 --> 00:16:00,360
There's no "would"
in sex.
419
00:16:00,427 --> 00:16:01,657
(both chuckle)
420
00:16:01,728 --> 00:16:03,128
You're right, I totally...
421
00:16:03,196 --> 00:16:04,926
I'm just no good
at this, Barney.
422
00:16:04,998 --> 00:16:06,628
I'm good at being
in a couple,
423
00:16:06,699 --> 00:16:08,099
I'm good at being
Lily's boyfriend.
424
00:16:08,168 --> 00:16:10,138
Being single-- forget it.
425
00:16:10,203 --> 00:16:11,703
Come on, you can't
give up now.
426
00:16:11,771 --> 00:16:14,071
What if I told you that
you could relive that night
427
00:16:14,141 --> 00:16:15,781
with the exact same
conversations,
428
00:16:15,842 --> 00:16:17,142
the exact same jokes
429
00:16:17,210 --> 00:16:19,950
only this time, you
get her and I don't.
430
00:16:20,013 --> 00:16:21,413
That's not possible.
431
00:16:21,481 --> 00:16:23,021
Oh, but it is.
432
00:16:23,083 --> 00:16:25,823
She has... wait for it...
433
00:16:25,885 --> 00:16:27,415
(voice rising):
...here it comes...
434
00:16:27,487 --> 00:16:29,617
(high-pitched):
...almost there...
435
00:16:29,689 --> 00:16:30,889
an identical twin.
436
00:16:30,957 --> 00:16:32,887
Yes!
437
00:16:32,959 --> 00:16:35,259
A twin isn't
the same person.
438
00:16:35,328 --> 00:16:37,458
Of course it is. What do
you think identical means?
439
00:16:37,530 --> 00:16:40,130
"Ident"-- same,
"ical"-- person.
Same person.
440
00:16:40,200 --> 00:16:42,440
Hey, we could
double date.
441
00:16:44,337 --> 00:16:45,867
Fine.
442
00:16:45,938 --> 00:16:47,738
But you have to promise me,
443
00:16:47,807 --> 00:16:51,107
you're not going to steal
my new twin, and leave me
444
00:16:51,178 --> 00:16:53,478
with your old, used-up twin.
445
00:16:53,546 --> 00:16:54,546
Used up?
446
00:16:54,614 --> 00:16:57,754
They're a human
being, Marshall.
447
00:17:00,087 --> 00:17:01,717
So Uncle Marshall
and Uncle Barney
448
00:17:01,788 --> 00:17:03,788
went out on a double date
with the twins.
449
00:17:04,757 --> 00:17:05,727
How you doing?
450
00:17:05,792 --> 00:17:07,092
Great.
451
00:17:07,160 --> 00:17:09,230
Amazing.
This is so much fun.
452
00:17:09,296 --> 00:17:11,326
And I think me and the
girl are really clicking.
453
00:17:11,398 --> 00:17:12,468
You are,
you definitely are.
454
00:17:12,532 --> 00:17:14,332
Listen, you're going
to have to leave now.
455
00:17:14,401 --> 00:17:16,871
I just talked
with the twins, and get this,
456
00:17:16,936 --> 00:17:19,366
I'm going home
with both of them.
457
00:17:19,439 --> 00:17:22,479
Yeah. That's happening.
458
00:17:22,542 --> 00:17:25,612
It is impossible
that you're doing
this to me again.
459
00:17:25,678 --> 00:17:28,078
But they're twins.
460
00:17:28,148 --> 00:17:30,318
You-- you said to me
that being single
461
00:17:30,383 --> 00:17:32,253
would be like being
in a candy store.
462
00:17:32,319 --> 00:17:34,219
Well, it's not, it's not
like a candy store.
463
00:17:34,287 --> 00:17:36,857
It's a lawless,
postapocalyptic wasteland.
464
00:17:36,923 --> 00:17:39,493
I may be your
best friend...
Actually Ted's my best friend.
465
00:17:39,559 --> 00:17:42,829
But in this world, it's
every hombre for himself.
466
00:17:42,895 --> 00:17:45,165
That's what being single is.
467
00:17:45,232 --> 00:17:47,202
And after nine years
in captivity,
468
00:17:47,267 --> 00:17:49,397
that is the single greatest
lesson I can teach you
469
00:17:49,469 --> 00:17:50,869
about surviving in the wild.
470
00:17:50,937 --> 00:17:53,307
Now, if you'll excuse me...
471
00:17:53,373 --> 00:17:54,943
I have two unique breasts
472
00:17:55,007 --> 00:17:57,237
and two duplicates
waiting for me.
473
00:17:59,112 --> 00:18:01,482
(chuckles)
474
00:18:01,548 --> 00:18:04,278
Oh, bad news-- Marshall got
food poisoning.
475
00:18:04,351 --> 00:18:06,391
What?
Oh, no.
476
00:18:06,453 --> 00:18:08,493
That's too bad.
I really liked him.
477
00:18:08,555 --> 00:18:11,815
Yeah. well, I guess
we're just a threesome tonight.
478
00:18:22,535 --> 00:18:25,535
Lily, what are you doing here?
479
00:18:25,605 --> 00:18:28,375
Oh, oh, I was just
walking by. I wasn't...
480
00:18:29,742 --> 00:18:31,142
Oh, you mean New York?
481
00:18:31,211 --> 00:18:32,181
My program ended.
482
00:18:32,245 --> 00:18:34,005
It was just great.
483
00:18:34,080 --> 00:18:36,480
Just lots of fun...
It was awful.
484
00:18:36,549 --> 00:18:38,249
It was the worst mistake
I ever made.
485
00:18:38,318 --> 00:18:41,448
I'm so sorry, Marshall,
and... hello.
486
00:18:43,823 --> 00:18:46,363
Lily, this was the
worst summer of my life.
487
00:18:46,426 --> 00:18:49,496
I know. It was the worst
summer of my life.
488
00:18:49,562 --> 00:18:52,502
It was the hardest
thing that I've ever
had to go through.
489
00:18:52,565 --> 00:18:55,995
Can we please get back together?
490
00:18:56,068 --> 00:19:00,168
All that crap you
said to me about,
491
00:19:00,240 --> 00:19:03,880
"we need to figure out
who we are outside of us,
492
00:19:03,943 --> 00:19:06,813
and we need to learn
to do things on our own,"
493
00:19:06,879 --> 00:19:08,879
it broke my heart.
494
00:19:10,450 --> 00:19:14,150
Three months ago,
you broke my heart.
495
00:19:16,289 --> 00:19:18,589
Can we please
get back together?
496
00:19:20,159 --> 00:19:21,629
Lily, you were right.
497
00:19:23,095 --> 00:19:27,895
All that crap was right.
498
00:19:27,967 --> 00:19:29,697
So, no.
499
00:19:29,769 --> 00:19:32,169
No, we can't
get back together.
500
00:19:32,239 --> 00:19:34,409
We shouldn't.
501
00:19:34,474 --> 00:19:37,444
At least, not right now.
502
00:19:37,510 --> 00:19:40,510
Wow.
503
00:19:40,580 --> 00:19:44,650
Okay. Yeah.
504
00:19:46,886 --> 00:19:48,456
Well...
505
00:19:50,623 --> 00:19:53,233
Will we still see each other?
506
00:19:53,293 --> 00:19:55,833
Yeah, yeah.
507
00:19:55,895 --> 00:19:57,255
I think so.
508
00:19:58,998 --> 00:20:00,598
I don't know.
509
00:20:00,667 --> 00:20:03,197
This is all really
new to me.
510
00:20:05,272 --> 00:20:07,742
I just got out of
a long relationship.
511
00:20:12,479 --> 00:20:14,079
I like your hair.
512
00:20:14,146 --> 00:20:16,276
Thanks.
513
00:20:16,349 --> 00:20:20,549
I figured new city,
a different color...
514
00:20:20,620 --> 00:20:22,560
* ...Wide open road *
515
00:20:22,622 --> 00:20:26,092
* It was love to us *
516
00:20:26,158 --> 00:20:28,958
* It was all that we had... *
517
00:20:32,865 --> 00:20:36,195
And the pizza there,
worst pizza ever.
518
00:20:36,269 --> 00:20:39,409
I'm so glad to be
back in New York.
519
00:20:40,973 --> 00:20:44,183
Listen, if there's
anything I can do
520
00:20:44,243 --> 00:20:46,313
to even begin to make
things up to you...
521
00:20:49,649 --> 00:20:52,219
Actually there may be something
that you can do for me,
522
00:20:52,285 --> 00:20:55,715
but you can never
ever ask me why.
523
00:20:55,788 --> 00:20:58,758
So then I was promoted
to assistant ménage-er...
524
00:20:58,825 --> 00:21:01,685
Manager--
why do I keep doing that?
525
00:21:01,761 --> 00:21:04,331
Lily?
526
00:21:04,397 --> 00:21:06,727
You gave me chlamydia,
you jerk.
527
00:21:12,071 --> 00:21:13,741
So where was I?
528
00:21:13,806 --> 00:21:15,876
Ah, yes, assistant ménage-er...
I did it again.
529
00:21:15,942 --> 00:21:18,352
I can't believe it.
530
00:21:19,612 --> 00:21:21,352
You gave my twin sister
chlamydia.
531
00:21:21,414 --> 00:21:23,484
You slime!
532
00:21:26,553 --> 00:21:28,663
Wha... wait, I know magic.
533
00:21:32,058 --> 00:21:33,988
Well played, Eriksen.
534
00:21:34,060 --> 00:21:36,630
Well played.
34453
