Original subtitles

[FOOTSTEPS]

MARSHALL: To whom it may concern.

If you're reading this document,

it means I'm either dead,

or have disappeared under mysterious circumstances.

My name is Marshall Teller.

Not long ago, I was living in New Jersey

just across the river from New York city.

It was crowded, polluted, and full of crime.

I loved it.

But my parents wanted a better life for my sister and me.

So we moved to a place so wholesome,

so squeaky clean, you could only find it on TV.

Unfortunately, nothing could be further from the truth.

Sure, my new hometown looks normal enough.

But look again.

What's wrong with this picture?

The American dream come true, right?

Wrong.

Nobody believes me.

But this is the center of weirdness for entire planet.

Thank you, lil paper boy.

Eerie, Indiana. My home, sweet home.

[CAWING]

Still don't believe me?

You will.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

MARSHALL: Ever since moving here,

I've been convinced that something was very wrong with Eerie, Indiana.

I tried telling myself there was a logical explanation for everything.

But logic doesn't apply here.

That's my family.

They're all too busy to see what's going on.

Mom just started her own party planning service

down at the Eerie mall.

My sister Syndi is practicing for her driver's test.

Personally, I don't think anybody who spells

Cindy SYNDI should be allowed to operate a motor vehicle.

Dad works for Things, Incorporated, a product testing company.

Dad's job is one of the reasons we moved here.

Because, statistically speaking,

Eerie is the most normal place in the entire country.

Statistics lie.

Hey, Mom, what's to eat?

There's plenty of leftovers.

Leftover from what?

Think we ought to send this to the lab for carbon testing.

[LAUGHS DERISIVELY]

Okay, so it's not an ad for Good Housekeeping.

But your father and I work all week.

So until I get to the grocery store this afternoon, it's every teenager for himself.

Don't eat those.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

I'll get it.

Where's Donna Reed when you need her?

Welcome, neighbors. Hi.

I'm Betty Wilson, from up the street.

Just thought I'd stop by and welcome you folks

to our little corner of the universe.

Won't you...

come in?

I'm Syndi, and this is my brother, Marshall.

These are my boys, Bertram and Ernest.

Hey, how's it going?

They're such good boys...

Is the lady of the house at home?

Mrs. Teller,

if you're like me, a homemaker on the go,

you know how overwhelming the task of everyday housework can become.

Well, I wouldn't say overwhelming...

BETTY: Well, those days are over.

Thanks to the spaceage wonder, ForeverWare.

Every homemaker's answer t every homemaking problem.

From our own secret formula stimulated plastic,

ForeverWare manufactures a full line of vacuum seal containers to meet

any contingency in the home of today.

[RATTLING ON PLASTIC]

I'm sorry.

Tell you what.

Why don't you come to a little ForeverWare Party I'm throwing at my house

tomorrow afternoon? Come as you are. It's just a few gals from the neighborhood

getting together to trade gossip

and tips about how to organize your life with this wonderful line of products.

EDGAR: Honey, is this leftover stuffing or something else? I can't tell.

Sorry.

So it's all set then? 4:30 sharp.

Ah, umm...

Well, I was looking to meet some other ladies on the block.

Oh, heck. Why not? Wonderful.

I'll just leave you with this complimentary catalog,

written by my late husband, Walt,

the inventor of ForeverWare.

It's full of recipes,

household hints, words of wisdom,

and information on financing plans.

Financing?

Oh, and one last thing.

I always like to leave

a special sample behind

as a little thank you. [CHUCKLES]

Here's one of our supersandwichsavers.

It's yours to keep. No obligation, of course.

And if you're hungry, the Baloney sandwich inside

is as fresh as the day it was made...

in 1974.

Of course, you've always got to be sure the lids are sealed tight.

Otherwise, the aging process is...

accelerated.

Oh, of course.

Otherwise, ForeverWare is guaranteed

when used as directed,

to keep anything fresh... forever.

Well, great then. We'll see you tomorrow.

Four-thirty, sharp. You're going to love my friends.

Oh, should I bring anything? Oh, no.

MARSHALL: I thought that was the last I'd see of the twins.

But then, suddenly,

unexpectedly, one of them slipped me a note.

There was a weird look in his eye. Something desperate.

"Yearbook 1964"

What did it mean?

Was this some kind of cry for help?

That's Simon. My next door neighbor.

He's just a kid.

But I let him hang out, because his parents don't seem to want him around.

He's the only friend I've made since moving here.

He's also the only one who believes me about Eerie.

The librarian thought I was weird, checking out all those yearbooks.

Better weird than dead.

What are you looking for anyway?

Here, check out this note.

"Yearbook 1964"?

There's gotta be something in these yearbooks. Some kind of clue.

I'm looking for something wrong, or out of place.

Someone like these guys!

SIMON: Hey, it's Bert and Ernie!

These guys must be really dumb. They've been in the seventh grade forever.

I don't recognize any of the other kids, though.

How could you? This yearbook is from 1964.

But that's impossible.

Unless...

Unless the twins are... BOTH: thirty something!

We gotta get a close look at this ForeverWare stuff.

[RELEASING VACUUM]

[SNIFFS]

Smells like a Baloney sandwich.

Looks like a baloney sandwich.

BOTH: Nah...

MARILYN: I'm sure Forever is just a figure of speech.

EDGAR: Not according to the financing plan.

Ah, this from a man who's still paying off his student loan.

Simon, your mom's yelling for you.

Hey, you boys aren't playing with my ForeverWare sample, are you?

Oh, no, Mom. It's not a toy. It's a tool.

EDGAR: What does that mean? MARILYN: I don't know...

MARSHALL: The way Mom was talking about ForeverWare,

I knew it was time to spring into action.

That night, Simon and I agreed

to sneak out and spy on the ForeverWare Lady and her twins.

I had to find out what was going on before Mom went to that party.

Ready, Simon? I was born for this.

MARSHALL: Unfortunately, this'd require some stupid risks on our part.

[BETTY HUMMING]

MARSHALL: I knew something was wrong with her.

[CONTINUES HUMMING]

[WHISPERING] It ain't natural.

[WHISPERING] Check out the twins.

BETTY: Boys. Mr. Sandman says it's beddy-bye time. I'm coming up now.

MARSHALL: I'd seen some strange things since coming to Eerie.

But nothing prepared me for what I saw next.

Goodnight, dumpling.

Sleep tight!

[RELEASING VACUUM]

[GASPS AND SCREAMS]

No wonder they don't age!

Their mom vacuum seals them every night in giant-sized ForeverWare!

Marshall, look!

[THUNDERCLAPS]

Run away! Run away...

[EVIL LAUGHTER]

MARSHALL: I was scared to death.

But if I didn't do something quick,

my whole family was going to end up human leftovers.

[EVIL LAUGHTER]

MARSHALL: Normally, I wouldn't be afraid of pancakes.

But back in Jersey, breakfast was always a serve yourself bowl of cereal.

Mom had me worried.

So, how are the pancakes?

Great. Yeah?

I got the recipe out of my ForeverWare catalog.

MARSHALL: It was almost time for the ForeverWare party.

Mom was on a housekeeping binge.

If she went to that party in her state of mind,

who knows what could happen.

I decided I had to tell somebody,

no matter how crazy it sounded.

I'll tell Dad.

Dad was a reasonable guy.

He believed that Mom was being lured into

a mind sucking cult of housewife zombies

who preserve themselves in giant rubbered kitchenware.

He'd believe me.

He'd know what to do.

Dad...

Yes.

Never mind.

MARSHALL: There was nothing I could do to stop her.

So Simon and I decided to crash the Foreverjunk party.

Somebody had to save Mom.

[KNOCKING]

ALL: Hi... [ALL GIGGLING]

Everybody, meet Marilyn Teller,

soon to be the newest member of our ForeverWare family.

[WOMEN CHEERING]

Not if I got anything to say about it.

[EXCITED INDISTINCT BANTER]

Well, why doesn't everyone introduce themselves?

Oh...

Beatrice Pillsbury,

and I have been a ForeverWare user since 1962.

[GIGGLES]

I'm Eumagene Crocker, and I've been fresh ForeverWare since 1966...

[APPLAUDES AND GIGGLES]

Winifred Swanson, and...

I just don't know what I would have done without ForeverWare since...

1968. [GIGGLES AND APPLAUDS]

My name is Phyllis Stouffer.

I sealed these Brussels sprouts when Jimmy Carter was President.

And they're still fresh.

[RELEASING VACUUM] ALL: Oh...

Okay everyone, it's time for the "ForeverWare" song.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Ladies...

[GIGGLES] MARILYN: Sorry.

[BLOWS TUNER]

One, two, three...

* ForeverWare

* For wives and mothers Everywhere

* Our goal has always been To seal the freshness in

* Forever, Foreverware

* For any dish that you Prepare

* For each and every meal, We have the perfect seal

* Some muffins that You make today Will still be fresh

* In early may Your coffee cake Your cinnamon ring

* Will last at least Until next spring

* It works on Almost everything!

* ForeverWare

ForeverWare.

BETTY: Oh, 30 years I've been singing that song

and it still gives me goosebumps!

[WHISPERING] Marshall, Marshall, Marshall...

[RELEASING VACUUM]

[DOOR SHUTS]

Hello. Marshall.

Mom...

Oh, everybody. If you'll just take a moment and look at what Marilyn is

demonstrating. It's our model L99,

the pickle lifter. Oh, wow.

Show us how it works, won't you? Oh, um, well, let's see...

You just take this off, and...

[SCREAMS AND APPLAUDS]

Hi, guys. Um... You're probably wondering what I'm doing here.

I checked out the '64 Yearbook.

That's you guys, isn't it?

BOTH: We need your help. You do?

[WINIFRED SOBBING] So I, I told Bob. I said...

if, if, if a silly new car means more to you

than vacuum fresh food,

well, then you're just not the man I married. [SCREAMS AND SOBS]

Come on, everybody. I think Winnie needs a little cheer up.

I know, how about a little "ForeverWare Wave"?

[SOBBING CONTINUES]

[CHEERING] Yay...

Excuse me, my casserole.

Our mother has been sealing us up every night since our Dad died in 1964.

She wants to preserve us so we never grow up and leave her.

Boys... BOTH: Mother!

[DOOR RELEASES VACUUM]

Boys, why are you up here?

You know how much I need my boys at my side...

Ernie has gas. [ERNIE BURPS]

Yes, well... I suppose you did the right thing then.

Try to get better to help me downstairs with the refreshments, all right?

BOTH: Yes, Mom.

Oh, such good boys...

Now I'm going downstairs. I want you to follow me licketysplit, understand?

[DOOR CLOSES]

Oh, man! I thought she was never gonna leave.

Now you see why you've got to help us.

What if something goes wrong?

BOTH: What if you're next?

You don't know what it's like being in seventh grade for 30 years.

BOTH: It's a living hell.

Come on.

[WOMEN TALKING]

[ALL LAUGH]

BETTY: Oh, and there's just one more little thing.

Here's your ForeverWare contract.

Remember, ForeverWare will last you a lifetime.

Maybe even longer.

[WOMEN LAUGHING]

Yes. I can see that now.

Let me have...

Dealer Special.

[WOMEN GASP AND SCREAM]

The family sized started pack! Excellent. Excellent choice.

Welcome to the ForeverWare family!

Will that be cash or cheque?

Such a wise choice...

[BETTY HUMMING]

Tell me what you need me to do.

MARSHALL: As I watched Mom sign on the dotted line,

I knew I had no choice, but to go along with the twins' plan.

So later that night,

Good night, little darling.

SIMON: But I want to go in with you.

Sorry, Simon.

No offense, but you're just a kid, and this could be dangerous.

Besides, I need you for an important job.

All right, here's the key to the evidence locker.

You know what to do if I don't come back.

I go straight to the President.

And if I can't get through to him, I tell your Mom and Dad.

Check.

[CASSETTE PLAYING] ForeverWare tip number 714.

Vacuum seal yourself for eight uninterrupted hours a day

and stay young forever. [BETTY YAWNS]

Remember, eight hours a day keeps the wrinkles away.

Remember, eight hours a day keeps the wrinkles away.

Remember, eight hours a day keeps the wrinkles away.

MARSHALL: Somebody had to help the twins graduate from seventh grade.

And that somebody was me.

[RELEASING VACUUM]

Hurry, Marshall. Get Ernie.

[RELEASING VACUUM]

Remember, eight hours a day keeps the wrinkles away.

Remember, eight hours...

Thanks, Marshall.

Now what?

BOTH: We'll take care of mother.

MARSHALL: My mission accomplished.

I didn't hang around to see what happened next.

[RELEASING VACUUM] Boys, what have you done?

BETTY: My vacuum seal... [screams]

MARILYN: Morning, Mars. How you doing?

I don't know yet.

How are you? Well, I made your favorite breakfast, cornflakes.

Thanks, Mom. Milk's bad.

Well, look at this. Oh...

Well, so much for the "Forever" in ForeverWare.

SYNDI: Oh, gross. Yeech.

Oh, well, I'm glad we found out now.

You know, I don't know what got into me.

I guess that Betty is just some kind of a super saleswoman.

Yeah, I'm going over to Betty's right after breakfast and cancel that order.

Way to go, Mom!

Stay the way you are. The messy Mom that I love.

Oh, thanks. I think.

You're okay too, Dad.

Thanks, Marshall.

Now that everyone's okay,

can somebody tell me what is going on with the mail.

Oh, something's pecked out Ed McMahon's eyes.

Cool. [CROWS CAWING]

MARSHALL: I couldn't help wonder what happened to the twins

without their ForeverWare.

Did Bert and Ernie turn into rotten globs of goo?

[HAMMERING NAILS]

BOTH: Can we help you? MARILYN: Hi.

Uh, sorry to bother you, but...

we were looking for a Mrs. Wilson?

Oh, I'm sorry. But there was an emergency in the family.

And, and she had to leave suddenly. Can we help you?

Huh. Ah, maybe.

Ah, you see, I placed this order for some kitchenware with her, and...

well, I've had a change of heart.

I really wanted to cancel that order but...

Hm, if she's not here...

Well, she left some paperwork. Is this what you're looking for?

[LAUGHS] Yes, this is just what I was looking for.

Huh! Um...

Excuse me, but, are you related to the twin boys who live here?

Yes. Twins run in the family.

[LAUGHS] Nice!

BETTY: Boys, who is it?

Who's there?

Nothing, Mother.

Just go back inside, Mom. We'll be up in a minute.

Such good boys...

Um, say, will you be seeing Mrs. Wilson?

I think so.

Please tell her I'm sorry about canceling my order.

We will. Thank you.

BOTH: No, thank you

[CONFUSED] Uh-huh.

Come on, Marshall. We're leaving.

[CROWS CAWING]

Thirty years in the seventh grade.

Now that's scary.

Hope Bert and Ernie got what they wanted.

I'm never eating leftovers again as long as I live.

MARSHALL: Simon and I added one petrified Baloney sandwich

to our Eerie Museum of Horror.

That's where I've hidden all the evidence

you'll need to find out what I already know.

A kid's gotta grow up fast in Eerie,

or he might not grow up at all.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

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