All language subtitles for Drop The Dead Donkey s06e05 George Finds Love.eng

Theme music plays

office chatter, phones ringing

god, I'm depressed.

How depressed?

Quite depressed, suicidally depressed

or virgin rail passenger?

Virgin rail passenger
who supports man city

and is married to Ann widdecombe.

Bloody hell.

In three weeks' time, ss globelink
will disappear beneath the waves...

And me with it. Look at this lot!

More rejections from the farting BBC!

I wouldn't bother with
the beeb, if I were you.

I went for an interview
there last Friday.

I found them very backward-looking.

For example, they got
ludicrously bogged down

on that expose I did on
genetic engineering.

Do you remember? The one
I got that award for.

The award that you were
made to hand back?

Yeah.

When they found you'd super-glued

a dead man's ear onto
the arse of a hamster?

Yeah, I mean, those BBC drones
were just obsessed with that.

Kept banging on about the
story being "totally untrue",

as they put it.

Yeah, but I mean, obviously,
it was a valid reconstruction.

It was an illustration of
the nightmarish results

of genetic engineering. Oh,
look, here comes another one.

Good morning, everyone.

Found a job yet?

I'll get a job!

But no-one would employ you, a woman
whose brain is 100% loft space.

Well, I don't need a job.

I'm betrothed to the 34th
richest man in the world.

Then why don't you just bugger
off and leave us all alone?!

What, and miss your descent into
humiliation and abject poverty?

I'd never forgive myself.

Well, at least we know all that
money won't change her (!)

Good morning, George. How are you?
Ah, well...

..You know.

Have you rung sue yet? Oh, no,
don't start going on about

my ringing this woman. She likes you!

She does now, but she'll go off me.

And I'll end up getting
hurt again, as always,

and that'll just make all
these symptoms even worse.

Here we go.

It's the tinnitus that's
the main problem.

These noises in my ears.

All tinnitus sufferers hear
different noises, apparently.

Mine's a sort of whooshy rumble.

Whooshy rumble? Yes.

A bit like the noise
of that runaway lorry

as it trundled towards
my house that time.

Only without the very
loud bit at the end.

Actually, I do get a noise in my ear,

but it's more of a boom, boom...

I get that sometimes - boom.

That's pulsatile tinnitus. Yeah,
I get one as well, actually,

but mine's more of a kind
of high-pitched... oooooh.

Henry: Well, for years at night,

I've been plagued by this
train-like sort of...

Yah-ta-ta-tah! Yah-ta-ta-tah!

See, it's terribly common.

Yeah, well, we've all got it.
We've got...

Boom! Ooh! Yah-ta-ta-tah!

They continue ? will
you miss me tonight? ?

Oh, very funny (!)

Oh, lighten up, George. God knows
we need a laugh in this morgue.

You know your problem, George,
you're a mental weakling,

so you just panic yourself into a
permanent whingeing hypochondria.

I'm not going to argue
with you, Damien.

It'll set off me nervous colon.

Great news, team.

Globelink is saved!

Oh, that's fantastic, Gus. Is
someone stepping in to buy it?

Yes, we are. We're gonna offer sir
roysten a management buy-out.

All we need is �2.7 million.

Oh, good, well, I'll organise
a whip round, shall I?

Who's got an envelope?

Don't be so naive, David, the
bank will give us the money.

I mean, not our old bank. Obviously
not the one that's suing us.

No, another bank will fund our buy-out.

I don't know why I didn't
think of this before.

Poor, sad, old bugger. He's
gone totally dagenham east.

Dagenham east? Four
stops on from barking.

This tinnitus thing has changed now.

I can hear a faint sort of
high-pitched squeaky noise.

Oh, that's Helen. She's in your office.

I think she's crying.

Oh, right.

Well, it's understandable, I suppose.

What with her father dying and...

Perhaps someone should go in there
and, you know, comfort her.

Dave?

Yeah, but she... she's
a woman who's crying.

I hate those!

All murmur in agreement

well, she probably wants
to be left alone.

Absolutely! I'm sure
you're right, yeah.

And we're a hot, thrustful,
synergetic company

and I'm sure this loan will
be very good for your bank.

Door opens

hm?

2.7 million.

Chuckles

chuckling intensifies

well, why are we laughing exactly?

Hello?

Honestly, the quality of bank
switchboards these days!

Fourth time that's happened.

Now, then, Sally, I'm ready
to access your input.

Well, Gus, as you are
aware, in three weeks' time

I am marrying sir Gordon Miller,
the 34th richest man in the world.

Yes, and everyone here's very
happy for you. No, they're not.

They despise me as I despise them.

But after a decade of their
scorn, it is Sally smedley

who will be living a life of luxury

while they're riddled with fleas
and begging at soup kitchens.

But I digress.

I came to inform you
that this afternoon,

sir Gordon will be collecting
me and taking me to try on

the wedding dress he's chosen.

I shall therefore be unavailable
for any afternoon bulletins, or...

Gus?

Did you say the 34th
richest man in the world?

Snap!

My bloody rejection
letter from the BBC.

Hm. I see they mentioned
Frankenstein's hamster.

Oh, yeah, yeah, and
over the page, you see,

there's loads of quibbling
about that report I did

on the rioting in Jakarta. What,
the one you filmed in brentford?

It was a legitimate
accurately-staged reconstruction

of the riots from eyewitness
accounts, and very successful, too.

Until that poxy ice
cream van turned up.

Are you... ok?

Course I'm ok.

Just, er, resting my
hand on my forehead.

Certainly nothing wrong with me,
if that's what you're implying.

Have you seen this? Someone's
stealing your act.

A fellow artist has assaulted
a critic at his exhibition,

just like you did. Did he
break the critic's nose?

Ah... no.

Tch. Amateur.

You head-butt really hard, don't you?
How do you do that?

I'll show you.

Nah. I meant I'll show
you the technique.

Oh, right, ok.

Sniffles

it's all right, I'm ok now.

Oh, I'm sorry, Helen.

If I'd known you were crying, I
would have come in to comfort you.

There's nothing anyone can say.
He's dead. Just have to accept it.

Life goes on.

Yes... yes, it does, doesn't it?

There was a message on
our voicemail for you.

Um, Henry's niece, she's invited
you out to dinner tonight.

Oh, right.

Did she sound as if she meant it?

What? Did she sound as if she meant it,

or did she sound as if she were
just asking me out of pity?

She scoffs

look, you are very nice man, and
sue is clearly attracted to you.

Well, there's obviously something
wrong with her, isn't there?

Eh? Well, what normal
woman would go for me?

I'm 47 years old, I wear cardigans -
which people clearly find amusing -

and when I go out, which
I do so very rarely,

I still put loo paper
round the toilet seat.

The kind of man I am, a real catch (!)

Right, that does it. Pick up the phone!

What? Pick up the sodding
phone and ring her!

But... no, no, don't push me! I
am a woman in an emotional state!

I'm gonna blub.

Ok, ok, ok, ok!

You see, Sally, all I'm saying...
I'm sorry, Gus,

I really can't see why sir
Gordon would be interested.

But �2.7 million would
be small change to him.

You could save the jobs
of all your colleagues,

and some of them have nothing else.

Some of them are staring
into an abyss...

..Like poor George.

Well, I'm sorry,

but I can't be held responsible
for other peoples abysses.

I'm embarking on a new life of
marital bliss with sir Gordon.

And I can't tell you how pleasing it is

to see someone find happiness and
escape their troubled past...

"Troubled past"?

Yes, I have an example of your
troubled past here, it's a...

..It's an audio tape I
confiscated from Dave and Henry

some months back. It's a
recording of you doing...

Ah, intimate things with a stranger.

Give me that!

That tape is a violation of my rights!

Well, there's certainly
violation involved.

But why should you worry about this?

I'm sure sir Gordon wouldn't
be narrow-minded about it.

After all, this is 1998.

Surely a woman is free to
entertain a fairground worker

in her dressing room if she wants to.

Why would he call off the wedding
over something like that?

Hm?

See? That's all there is to it.

A question of balance and timing.

Oh, and channelling a
lifetime's worth of hatred

into one sudden movement.

Right.

So, er... you planning to exhibit
any more of your masterpieces

in Vivian's gallery?

Oh, I dunno. He wants me to, but
you know, it's just so phony.

I mean, I only get seven grand
for doing a few stupid doodles,

it's just embarrassing.

Yeah, must be hard to handle
that much embarrassment (!)

What are you gonna do with it? Dunno.

Well, you could always invest
it in Gus's management buy-out.

Yeah, that'd be almost as pointless
as lending it to you, David.

Oh, I don't need it.

For your formation, I've got a
nice little earner lined up.

In fact, I'm ready doing
a bit some evenings.

It's with a bookie I've got a tab with.
Big deano.

Big deano? Mm-hm.

And what exactly are you
doing for big deano?

You know, a bit of general...

PR work, client liaison,
media consultancy.

Running errands.

There are errand responsibilities
within my remit, yes.

But in a few months, the
money he's paying me

will have pushed me into the black.

So, Dave charnley in credit.
When did that last happened?

Smacks lips erm...

What year was Woodstock?

Well, she said she was looking
forward to dinner, but...

I thought I detected a
little doubt in her voice.

The way she just paused
before the word "delighted".

You're going, that's final, so shut
up or I'll go to pieces again.

Now, has anything else come in?

Well, I could do with some
help on this summary I'm doing

on 12 years of the bse crisis.

I mean, I know I've got the facts
right but whichever way I write it

it just seems to come out
totally implausible.

What's happened?

Henry: It's Damien. He's just...
He's just fainted in mid-sentence.

Yes, I get that.

All right, give him some air,
he's coming around. Get off me.

Stop fussing, will you? My head
always clears in a minute.

So you've had one of
these turns before?

Sort of. Well, have you
been to see the doctors?

Yeah, waste of time that was.

Well, what did the
doctor say you've got?

That it's some kind of
stress-related condition

that affects the middle ear.

Yes, I've had that.

Anyway, he's talking bollocks.
It's nothing.

It's probably a virus.

You should never try to fight a virus.

You should just rest
up and give in to it.

No, George, I will not give in to it,

because that would be weak,
and I don't do weak!

Ah, you mustn't get stressed.

Stress inhibits your immune
system, and that makes you worse.

Of course, it's tricky cos
feeling ill makes you stressed.

You get into that vicious
spiral of stressed, ill.

More stress, more ill. Extremely
ill, extremely stressed.

Totally stressed, comatose.

Next thing you know,
you're in a brain scanner

surrounded by scientists
from all over the world.

No. No, no, George.

You see, that's you, that isn't me.

I'm Damien day.

I don't have panic buttons.

I don't get ill because
I am mentally strong,

and so I don't succumb to...

Ah, he got stressed again, you see.

Old mother nature just
tripped his fuse.

All right, he's coming round.

Great news, team! Sally's
agreed to help save us.

Out of the goodness of her heart.

Oh, brilliant, now I'm
bloody hallucinating.

Ok, paper recycling,
have you got anything?

Well, Henry's got all
his rejection letters,

although I think you'll
need three more bags.

See, I'm so depressed, I can't be
bothered to slap the bitch down.

Boris yeltsin's got pneumonia again.

And? Yeah, you're right.

He yawns

sorry, late night. I was
doing a job for big deano.

What sort of a job?

Oh, just handing over a brown
paper package to some bloke.

In a field.

In Norfolk.

At midnight.

It's all perfectly above board.

Sally, I-i just wanted to say thanks

for setting up this
meeting with your fiance.

Gus says you're going to use your
influence to help save the company.

My influence? With sir Gordon.

Well, hopefully he'll listen to you.

Well, of course he'll listen to me.
He loves me.

Just look at the ring.

This diamond was actually given

to the French president
by emperor Picasso,

in return for keeping quiet about
the emperor's cannibalism.

How romantic.

So, George, how was your
dinner with my lovely niece?

Um...

Oh. Fine.

Very nice. Yes. Thanks.

So, are you gonna see sue again?

Possibly no, yes.

Uh, maybe. Excuse me!

I do hope George isn't
just using my young niece

for an opportunistic shag.

Joy scoffs in disgust

George? Well, you know
what men are like.

Oh, talk about double standards.

What about the time you shagged
that niece of George's?

Oh, that was different.
That was for a bet.

Well, what the hell are you doing in?

You should be resting up!

How can I rest?

I've got three weeks to put
myself in the shop window

and sell myself to another broadcaster.

I'm being left behind!

You know, it's six weeks since
anyone recognised me in sainsbury's.

And that's wearing the safari jacket.

Now, you shouldn't open
the door to mr stress.

Yelling: Oh, shut your face, George!

Look, I can still do my work.

As long as I don't stand up,
the dizziness isn't a problem.

Oh! Hello, George.

Hello, sue. What are you doing here?

Well, I was a bit worried
about you last night.

You know, the way, when I
invited you back for coffee,

you suddenly jumped on that bus. Yes...

I nearly didn't catch it.

I'm not surprised - it was
going 30 miles an hour.

Have I offended you in some way?

Oh, good lord, no, no, no, no.
I had a lovely time.

It's just... well, then, perhaps
we could repeat it tonight?

Well... he'd love to.

But, erm... he clears throat

he'd really love to.
Wouldn't you, George?

I see. You accept dates
on his behalf, do you?

It's best that way. Trust me.

George, walk sue to the lift.

And how is my favourite niece?

Fine, uncle. Oh, good.

And I hear you're stepping out
again with my good pal, George.

I'm chuffed to bits. He's
a first-rate chap. Ha-ha!

Whispering: Watch his hands.

Ok, everyone down on their knees.

Gus is on his way up with
Sally's sugar daddy.

Ok, everyone. This is our last chance.

Otherwise, three weeks from now,
we'll be selling the big issue.

And remember, we need her on our
side, so everyone be nice to Sally.

I'll just repeat that
unfamiliar phrase -

be nice to Sally.

Ok, everyone, good luck.

Here, sir Gordon, is where
our a-team operates.

Headed, of course, by
your lovely wife-to-be.

All greet Sally warmly we missed you!

And this is our number two newscaster
- Henry Davenport.

Lovely to meet you, sir. I've
heard a lot about you, Henry.

Uh-oh.

Sally says you're very
good for her morale,

because you're always praising her
for her professionalism and talent.

Y-y-yes, it's true.

Here we have another part
of Sally's support squad -

Damien day!

Weakly: Hi.

Stand up for sir Gordon.
I-i... stand up!

Gus chuckles nervously

pleased to meet you.

Thud

right, well, let's go through
to my office, shall we?

Poor Helen.

I haven't seen her looking that nervous

since that time she had to tell Blair

he'd done 20 minutes on the
importance of family life

with his flies undone.

Joy: Yeah, he's coming around now.
She slaps him

and it's here in Angola
that the rebels...

No, no, Damien, you're in the office.

You just blacked out again.
No, I didn't. Yes, you did!

No, I didn't, I tripped on some
dodgy flooring, but it's ok,

I won't sue you this time.
He clears throat

so, where's sir Gordon? He's in there.

They're all smiling at him, so
presumably he's smiling back.

So, we're very optimistic.

And although the financial
performance has been disappointing

in the short-term, we feel that
we possess a resource of...

..Talent and experience.

Gus: And, of course, the biggest
reason we'd be an investment

is that most invisible
of assets - morale.

He chuckles

I'm sure your fiance will back me up.

It's a fun place, isn't it, Sally?

In many ways, it's just like
working in a fairground, hm?

Well...

Robotically: That's right, Gordon.

Erm, I feel that globelink news

would be yet another shrewd
acquisition for your global empire.

Well... I suppose I could
acquire this company...

..If I wasn't quite so angry.

This woman's my future wife.

She is not to be soiled
with business matters!

How dare you compromise her like this?!
I have no wish to...

And as for you, my dear,
by broaching this subject,

you are in breach of clause 12b
of our prenuptial contract.

Now, I am not a heartless man, so
I shall forgive this aberration.

This time.

No, sir Gordon, excuse me! Sir Gordon!
You haven't heard our...

Don't waste your breath on my time!

I wouldn't give you
tuppence for this abattoir!

And neither will anyone else.

Well, he obviously wants
time to think about it.

Chuckles nervously sir Gordon!
Sir Gordon!

Well, that's it. The man has finally
gone stark-raving upminster.

So, Sally...

What else is in this contract?

Ritual circumcision and being
buried alive in his tomb?

What the hell do you
think you're doing?

I'm making do!

I'm 42 years old.

But he'll make you miserable.

I'm used to miserable.

At least this way I shall be
miserable in extreme luxury.

But he's so brutal!

Well, I think brutality is just
his way of hiding his shyness.

But you don't even like him!

Well, that's where you're wrong. I do!

Why? Because he reminds
me of my granny!

This is incredible.

I've never experienced a
one-night-stand before.

What do you mean, a one-night-stand?

Well, you're not gonna
want to do this again

now that you've slept with me, are you?

George!

No, I'm not upset, I'm very grateful.

George! Stop this!

I'm sorry.

I think Margaret rather dented my
confidence in the sexual department.

Often, when we made love, she used
to shout out other men's names.

Even their addresses, sometimes.

Funny woman.

She didn't deserve you. No,
that's what she used to say.

Gosh, it's 9:40, I'd better
be getting to work! George.

You know I'm going out to
Australia in three weeks' time?

To start a new life, yes.

Well...

..Would you like to come with me?

What?

To be your... boyfriend?

In Australia?

Well, there's nothing to keep you here.

Well, I don't know, I mean...

God. Phone rings

hello?

It's for you.

Oh, hi, Helen.

Well, actually, I'm a bit stunned.

Sue's just invited me to Australia
with her to start a new life.

Helen says, "yes, I'll go."

Once again, a government
minister has revealed

the paranoid control freak tendency

that lies at the heart
of this government.

Earlier today, I attempted to
quiz the paymaster general,

sir Geoffrey Robinson,

about the allegations of financial
sleaze that surround him.

I asked legitimate questions

about offshore trusts and
inaccurate accounts,

but he refused to answer any
of my questions point blank.

Indeed, the only statement he
seemed prepared to make was,

"for god sake, man, I'm
on the bloody toilet!

"How the hell did you get in here?

"Oh, Jesus, I know you. You're
that madman from globelink news.

"Help, help. Somebody help."

This is Damien day, from westminster.

And cut, Gerry. Ok, that's the one.

Just help me get out of
this, will you? Gerry?

Gerry, come on, don't take the piss.
Come and untie me.

Oh, look, for god's sake, Jerry. I
know what game you're playing at!

You're just deliberately trying to
get me stressed, to see whether I...

Subtitles by accessibility@itv.Com

Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0