Original subtitles

Anyone care to join me for a spot of clubbing?

I didn't know saga had expanded into nightclubs.

Rachel? Pat? No?

Oh, well, probably best if I go on my own.

I feel a bit of a commotion in my loins tonight

and I don't want anyone cramping my pulling style.

Get off, Henry.

The only women you have sex with these days arrive in the post

with their own bicycle pump.

Working the graveyard shift, my dear.

Well, night shift is nice and quiet so I can get a lot of work done.

Provided, of course, you go home, George.

Just got a few things to finish off. Then I'll...

He hiccups

I seem to have hiccups. Try holding your breath.

And what are you doing here? You're supposed to be on sick leave.

Don't you have a life? Sorry, silly question.

I'm compiling a best of Damien day showreel.

All the publicity I've had because of my injuries

means it's a good time to leave you losers behind and find a proper job.

I don't know whether to call it man of danger or the headline hero.

How about macho twat who maims cameramen?

God, it's pouring outside. I thought you skived off hours ago.

Nowhere to go. Landlord's done some building work on my flat.

What's that? He's bricked up the door.

Just his way of saying he'd like some rent.

I'm gonna have to doss here tonight.

Well, haven't you got some friends you can stay with?

Their husbands are home.

I just need to access some vital news facts on this terminal.

George, you can breathe now.

Exhales

he hiccups

he hiccups

I'm not sure this is working.

Interesting things, hiccups.

It's the body's way of compensating for a temporary shortage of oxygen.

Of course. I'm short of oxygen.

Yes, I can feel it now.

George, why don't you go home?

Maybe I'll just stay here for a while until they go.

Can't take that long.

Ooh, there was someone in the guinness book of records

had them for four and half years.

Oh, dear.

The vital news facts Gus is accessing

look remarkably like a videogame.

Videogame plays

he hiccups

idiot!

Look what you made me do. You see, 18,760.

If it hadn't been for you, I would have got the volemaster

out of zombie wood and beaten my own record.

Of course, I don't do this for fun.

I just stay here a bit some evenings to hone the decision-making reflexes

in my executive brain.

Yes, take that, will you, badger.

The messenger left this downstairs for Gus.

Oh, I thought you'd gone home. There's no point.

This dreadful family have moved in next door

and there's always all this noise.

What kind of noise? Well, children.

Laughing. Playing games.

I blame the parents.

I mean, sometimes they actually join in!

I find it very... bothering.

Can't you just watch something on TV?

Well, they're all the same.

Costume dramas, detectives, cute little animals.

Jane eyre, police vet.

Some woman bursting out of a costume in some picturesque part of Britain,

looks for clues by shoving her hand up a cow's arse

and finds true love.

You're in a bit of a moody. I am not in a bit of a moody, ok?

Isn't that a new cleaning company? Yes, that's the fourth.

Every year, your Gus put out the contract,

every year new company bid lower, get contract.

Fire me, rehire me for less, so here I stand.

Must make you a bit cheesed off with Gus.

Oh, yes, but one time a week

I urinate in his executive coffee-making machine.

You and joy!

Videogame plays

no, when he play his games, he hear nothing.

Sad old tosspot.

Yeah, you sad, sick, weird bastard.

What?

He hiccups

oh, god. Can hiccups really last four and a half years?

I'll tell you one thing my auntie swore by.

Put your feet in a bowl of yoghurt and a bag of ice cubes on your head.

I suppose it's worth a try.

Does that work? No, but it should be good fun!

Helen, you're not like you.

I've broken up with Amanda again.

I got in a real state about it and thought I was miserable.

In fact, I volunteered for this overtime to get out of the flat,

but now I realise, I'm not miserable at all.

It's great to be free. I am really happy.

You don't drink a lot regularly, do you?

Are you saying it's just the alcohol that's making me feel like this?

Yes. I see.

So what other effects does alcohol have?

Well, if you're a Tory mp, you get to ram pushchairs with your car

and then drive off.

Now, don't go sloping off without cleaning the office properly.

There was a hair under my tipp-ex bottle on Monday night.

It was still there on Tuesday morning.

How did you notice that?

I put it there, of course.

Same as I always do, as a test for my Filipino.

Well, at least I did

until she went and had her so-called "nervous breakdown".

Let's have a look at this, shall we?

Now, you know that says "for Gus hedges' personal attention."

Exactly.

"Staff drugs test results."

Bastard! He must've had them done

from the blood samples we gave at the annual medical.

Look, "joy, small traces of marijuana.

"Henry, small traces of marijuana.

"Large traces of cocaine, amyl nitrate, benzedrine,

"dexedrine, LSD and a substance only found in oven cleaner."

Everyone else is clear except for...

George.

Who had traces of ecstasy in his bloodstream.

George?

Oh, look, joy's brought in her boyfriend.

Yeah, one more smart-arse remark and I'll be giving you

your colonic irrigation with a fire extinguisher.

Who is he? Just some bloke sleeping rough.

I was walking home and I just saw him in a doorway.

I couldn't just leave him there. He's liable to die of hypothermia.

Why don't you take him to casualty?

Because he can't wait that long.

It's difficult, isn't it?

Knowing when you should help the homeless.

I sometimes buy the big issue.

If you really haggle with them, you can get it for 40p.

I saw on the wire yesterday, that the homeless are dying

five years younger. There's been a big increase in tb.

That's what major means by rising consumption.

Good god! I thought we'd find the office deserted.

Oh, not you as well. What are you doing back?

Just giving young Dolores here the globelink tour.

Does she know it includes the insides of your underpants?

Oh, please! How can you be so sordid?

Dolores is still at university.

Studying archaeology, I presume.

Ignore that, my dear. We'll get ourselves a drink.

Henry, can you lend us your overcoat? He's still shivering.

Give him your coat, whoever he is.

Yeah, go on, gimme your coat.

Yes, all right.

I moonlight as a singing telegram,

and for the first person that makes an amusing comment,

I'll be giving my own rendition of that delightful old ballad,

oh, look, your nose is broken in three places.

Apparently, my daughter, Deborah, is suing her old school

for failing to give her an education.

What, because of inadequate teachers?

Hm, that and it being flammable.

The spellcheck on this machine is brilliant.

If you put in Brian mawhinney, it comes out "ruin humanely".

And "Blair Tony" is "bluer today".

You tried Michael Howard?

Yeah. That came out "slimy, smug-faced Tory wanker".

I had to cheat a bit.

Man on TV speaks in his language

stop, stop. Play that again.

They are speaking my language, but the translation, it is all wrong.

You come from nagorno-karabakh?

Play it again.

No, I, um...

I wouldn't want to upset you unnecessarily.

Play it again!

"The day he died, it was terrible.

"I have always loved Elvis.

"He was the king.

"I played his records nonstop for a week afterwards.

"Particularly blue moon.

"But now, with money you give me...

"I can go to Memphis!"

Yeah, well, Gus wouldn't pay for a charter,

so I got there days after all the other journalists, so I just...

Oh, sod it, give me the bollocking.

Damien, you little scamp!

Amanda rang, can you ring her back? Nope.

She's out of my life, and this time it really doesn't worry me at all.

Not one iota. Yeah, yeah.

Um, George, er...

We were talking, and, um, just out of interest...

Have you ever had any drug experiences, George?

Well, actually, yes, I have. He hiccups

I went to this really crazy party once. Uh-huh.

And there was this chap in the back garden who rolled a funny cigarette.

Yes...

He rolled a funny cigarette.

Yes... you see, he rolled...

Helen, I think that's it.

So, nothing else?

No. He hiccups

oh, god, this is driving me mad!

Look, there's only one thing that works, and that's a shock.

Did you know that at last year's Christmas party,

Dave spent 20 minutes in the stationary cupboard

with your daughter.

Helen, that won't work, because I know it's not true. Eh, Dave?

You know, I have a feeling she's found herself a young man.

I think his name must be Richard, because I overheard her

telling her friends that all she really wants is dick.

Really?

Yes, can't seem to get enough dick, apparently.

Isn't that romantic? Lovely!

Hello!

Oh, for god's sake, get him out of here!

I know I'm in inconvenience, Sally,

but I've read about all the charity work that you've done to help us,

and I'd just like to say thank you.

And give you a big hug...

She screams

stop it, you stupid git! Oh, god!

Nothing but the mad, the drunk and people with hiccups.

I don't know why I didn't go home hours ago.

Because you're a lonely middle-aged woman

without even a Filipino maid to go home to.

Rubbish.

You're tormented by the sound coming from next door

of normal people being happy.

I refuse to be lectured on loneliness by a thatched inadequate.

Inadequate?

Oh, come, come, come.

You saw the delightful Dolores.

If only the office had been empty.

You knew perfectly well somebody would be here,

you only brought her in to show her off.

Don't be absurd! Why on earth would she agree to that?

Oh, shut up, saddos, some of us are trying to work.

That's a bit rich, isn't it, him calling you a saddo?

Exactly! Stop it.

He's even sadder than you, isn't he?

He is!

Er, not that I am.

Though at least you don't pick up rough trade on soho doorways

like she does.

I said stop it.

What's the matter, Florence nightingale?

Put that down.

All right, then. Glass shatters

yes, yes, yes!

20,072!

Suck on that, stoat slayer!

Ha-ha!

And it's been a very interesting exercise

in executive decision-making. Ho-ho.

Yes, indeedy.

He gasps

there you go, George, you needed a shock!

It's only ketchup.

To stop the hiccups.

George...

George?

Ooh, shit!

The good news is, George no longer has the hiccups.

The bad news is, it's because he's in a coma.

Now, where's joy?

She's the one that did the first aid course.

Ah, joy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, in a minute.

Now, piss off and don't come back. We'll see.

Keep smiling, sis.

Yeah, well, um, he probably calls everybody that.

You know, "sis", like you do.

And actually, a lot of those homeless hostels are run by nuns.

Aren't they? So...

Ok, ok, he's my brother, all right?

Now, let's have a look at George.

He hiccups

finally stopped raining, then.

Oh, we've had some rain this year, haven't we, eh?

Weatherman says there's more on the way, apparently. Really?

Oh, please.

Shut up.

All right, I'll tell you.

My family make the windsors look like the waltons.

My mum went from Valium addiction to nervous breakdown

to attempted suicide.

My dad was even more disturbed. He wanted to be Peter stringfellow.

Anyway...

He pissed off when we were little, so, unsurprisingly,

three of the four kids turned out psychos.

What happened to the fourth?

I think you'll find that's joy.

My sister, merrily, is in a detox centre.

Jolly's in wormwood scrubs.

And happy got released into the care of the doorway.

Bit difficult, is he?

Huh.

Yeah, well, he pops up from time to time.

He loves causing chaos and confusion in other people's lives.

Oh, really?

And why does he do that?

Well, I suppose it's because he's unhappy and he wants attention

so he resorts to violence and...

Oh, yeah. Very clever.

Just take advantage of me when I'm down.

Well, I'll have you know, I do not want attention,

and I am not unhappy.

And anyone that says different goes off the roof, all right?

I think we helped.

Shouldn't you be putting the three o'clock bulletin together?

Oh, sod it, we'll just repeat the two o'clock.

Bit of war, bit of princess di, the government's crap, goodnight.

Feeling rough?

You do a lot of this drinking stuff, don't you?

Yeah.

Well, what you do when you reach the point

when all the things you're trying to forget come back?

Muse on the cruel nature of existence.

And how do you do that?

Usually by saying... "Bloody women."

Bloody women. Right.

Can't live with 'em. Can't live without them.

You're a natural.

She walks out on me yelling something about commitment.

I don't know what the silly cow wants!

Have you been listening in?

I think I'm going to be sick.

Well, you're extraordinarily lucky,

because a bloke in an open-top Porsche is just pulling up there.

Are you still here?

Oh, yes, well, I must be on my way soon.

I've been up in vt watching the latest footage

coming in from the European finance ministers' meeting in Brussels.

Really? When I strolled past there earlier,

I seem to remember hearing cell block h.

No, no, I think you must've been mistaken, Henry.

Yes, I've been very busy.

I certainly didn't stay here because I was lonely and had nowhere to go.

Neither did I.

No. I believe you.

You do?

Yes.

Just as I expect you believe me.

It wasn't her. It was!

It was not. It was!

Look, what would Margaret Thatcher be doing at four in the morning

staggering along the street with a bottle of whiskey

in her hand singing if I ruled the world?

I do believe you, Sally.

You're not a sad, lonely person.

No. We are both normal, well-adjusted people.

All of us are!

You're not, you're a fucking weirdo.

Absolutely!

You should've seen what just happened outside.

Someone just threw up all over some bloke in a Porsche!

I dunno where it came from,

but it hit him with such force, his dentures flew out.

Hey! You're not gonna let them see those drug results, are you?

Well, why not?

I don't think he'll take any action now.

Not now that he's down there as a heroin user.

Look! My hiccups have gone!

I think these pills did the trick.

What were they?

Oh, I found them the other week when I was cleaning out Deborah's room.

At first I thought they might be contraceptives,

but then she reassured me they're just herbal pick-me-up pills,

and she said I could keep them.

Really? Yes.

I took one the other night when I worked late.

And what happened?

Well, I sat down in front of the television,

all the programmes had finished, so I just watched those little

black-and-white dots for three or four hours.

It's a bit odd, isn't it?

George, can I just take these?

Sure. But I finished the bottle.

Still, my hiccups have gone, and I can go home.

I wonder if I should take the tube.

You probably won't need the tube.

Oh, my god! Someone's beaten me!

Someone's got 24,550!

Happy?

Who's happy? I am, actually.

He even must've got into the lair of lord zogg, the ferret gobbler.

Who is he? Joy's brother.

Oh, brilliant.

I take five weeks to beat my old total,

then I get beaten within an hour by a member of the underclass.

Gus... no, no, no, there's no time!

I've got to beat 24,550.

Right, everyone, it'll soon be time to start work again.

So, Henry and I thought we would cooperate for once

and make everyone a cup of coffee.

Good grief! Er, happy smashed the coffee-maker.

That's all right, we used Gus's executive coffee-making machine.

It's a once-in-a-lifetime offer, I'm sure no-one's going to refuse.

Gus...

Why don't you try stroking this grapefruit?

Leaves on the line in the tunnel?

Too many passengers.

Migrating wildebeest at perivale station.

I don't think that's a very likely excuse

for getting stuck at a station for 25 minutes, George.

Look at this, $12 million for Fergie,

why is she so popular in America?

Dunno.

I suppose it's the only country on earth where she looks dignified.

Oh.

Er, do you want to...?

Oi!

What is the world coming to when there are people ruder than me.

Well, according to the papers,

it's all the fault of mindless TV filth.

Well, that's fair enough, coming from them.

"Give me back my joy of essex",

and here's a picture of a man with a teacup on his knob.

Thank god there's still some standards.

George! George!

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