All language subtitles for Drop The Dead Donkey s05e11 The Graveyard Shift.eng

Anyone care to join me
for a spot of clubbing?

I didn't know saga had
expanded into nightclubs.

Rachel? Pat? No?

Oh, well, probably best
if I go on my own.

I feel a bit of a commotion
in my loins tonight

and I don't want anyone
cramping my pulling style.

Get off, Henry.

The only women you have sex with
these days arrive in the post

with their own bicycle pump.

Working the graveyard shift, my dear.

Well, night shift is nice and quiet
so I can get a lot of work done.

Provided, of course,
you go home, George.

Just got a few things to finish off.
Then I'll...

He hiccups

I seem to have hiccups.
Try holding your breath.

And what are you doing here? You're
supposed to be on sick leave.

Don't you have a life?
Sorry, silly question.

I'm compiling a best of
Damien day showreel.

All the publicity I've had
because of my injuries

means it's a good time to leave you
losers behind and find a proper job.

I don't know whether to call it man
of danger or the headline hero.

How about macho twat
who maims cameramen?

God, it's pouring outside. I
thought you skived off hours ago.

Nowhere to go. Landlord's done
some building work on my flat.

What's that? He's bricked up the door.

Just his way of saying
he'd like some rent.

I'm gonna have to doss here tonight.

Well, haven't you got some
friends you can stay with?

Their husbands are home.

I just need to access some vital
news facts on this terminal.

George, you can breathe now.

Exhales

he hiccups

he hiccups

I'm not sure this is working.

Interesting things, hiccups.

It's the body's way of compensating
for a temporary shortage of oxygen.

Of course. I'm short of oxygen.

Yes, I can feel it now.

George, why don't you go home?

Maybe I'll just stay here
for a while until they go.

Can't take that long.

Ooh, there was someone in the
guinness book of records

had them for four and half years.

Oh, dear.

The vital news facts Gus is accessing

look remarkably like a videogame.

Videogame plays

he hiccups

idiot!

Look what you made me do.
You see, 18,760.

If it hadn't been for you, I
would have got the volemaster

out of zombie wood and
beaten my own record.

Of course, I don't do this for fun.

I just stay here a bit some evenings
to hone the decision-making reflexes

in my executive brain.

Yes, take that, will you, badger.

The messenger left this
downstairs for Gus.

Oh, I thought you'd gone home.
There's no point.

This dreadful family
have moved in next door

and there's always all this noise.

What kind of noise? Well, children.

Laughing. Playing games.

I blame the parents.

I mean, sometimes they
actually join in!

I find it very... bothering.

Can't you just watch something on TV?

Well, they're all the same.

Costume dramas, detectives,
cute little animals.

Jane eyre, police vet.

Some woman bursting out of a costume
in some picturesque part of Britain,

looks for clues by shoving
her hand up a cow's arse

and finds true love.

You're in a bit of a moody. I
am not in a bit of a moody, ok?

Isn't that a new cleaning company?
Yes, that's the fourth.

Every year, your Gus
put out the contract,

every year new company
bid lower, get contract.

Fire me, rehire me for
less, so here I stand.

Must make you a bit
cheesed off with Gus.

Oh, yes, but one time a week

I urinate in his executive
coffee-making machine.

You and joy!

Videogame plays

no, when he play his
games, he hear nothing.

Sad old tosspot.

Yeah, you sad, sick, weird bastard.

What?

He hiccups

oh, god. Can hiccups really
last four and a half years?

I'll tell you one thing
my auntie swore by.

Put your feet in a bowl of yoghurt
and a bag of ice cubes on your head.

I suppose it's worth a try.

Does that work? No, but
it should be good fun!

Helen, you're not like you.

I've broken up with Amanda again.

I got in a real state about it
and thought I was miserable.

In fact, I volunteered for this
overtime to get out of the flat,

but now I realise, I'm
not miserable at all.

It's great to be free.
I am really happy.

You don't drink a lot
regularly, do you?

Are you saying it's just the alcohol
that's making me feel like this?

Yes. I see.

So what other effects
does alcohol have?

Well, if you're a Tory mp, you get
to ram pushchairs with your car

and then drive off.

Now, don't go sloping off without
cleaning the office properly.

There was a hair under my
tipp-ex bottle on Monday night.

It was still there on Tuesday morning.

How did you notice that?

I put it there, of course.

Same as I always do, as
a test for my Filipino.

Well, at least I did

until she went and had her
so-called "nervous breakdown".

Let's have a look at this, shall we?

Now, you know that says "for Gus
hedges' personal attention."

Exactly.

"Staff drugs test results."

Bastard! He must've had them done

from the blood samples we
gave at the annual medical.

Look, "joy, small traces of marijuana.

"Henry, small traces of marijuana.

"Large traces of cocaine,
amyl nitrate, benzedrine,

"dexedrine, LSD and a substance
only found in oven cleaner."

Everyone else is clear except for...

George.

Who had traces of ecstasy
in his bloodstream.

George?

Oh, look, joy's brought
in her boyfriend.

Yeah, one more smart-arse
remark and I'll be giving you

your colonic irrigation
with a fire extinguisher.

Who is he? Just some
bloke sleeping rough.

I was walking home and I
just saw him in a doorway.

I couldn't just leave him there.
He's liable to die of hypothermia.

Why don't you take him to casualty?

Because he can't wait that long.

It's difficult, isn't it?

Knowing when you should
help the homeless.

I sometimes buy the big issue.

If you really haggle with
them, you can get it for 40p.

I saw on the wire yesterday,
that the homeless are dying

five years younger. There's
been a big increase in tb.

That's what major means
by rising consumption.

Good god! I thought we'd
find the office deserted.

Oh, not you as well.
What are you doing back?

Just giving young Dolores
here the globelink tour.

Does she know it includes the
insides of your underpants?

Oh, please! How can you be so sordid?

Dolores is still at university.

Studying archaeology, I presume.

Ignore that, my dear. We'll
get ourselves a drink.

Henry, can you lend us your overcoat?
He's still shivering.

Give him your coat, whoever he is.

Yeah, go on, gimme your coat.

Yes, all right.

I moonlight as a singing telegram,

and for the first person that
makes an amusing comment,

I'll be giving my own rendition
of that delightful old ballad,

oh, look, your nose is
broken in three places.

Apparently, my daughter,
Deborah, is suing her old school

for failing to give her an education.

What, because of inadequate teachers?

Hm, that and it being flammable.

The spellcheck on this
machine is brilliant.

If you put in Brian mawhinney,
it comes out "ruin humanely".

And "Blair Tony" is "bluer today".

You tried Michael Howard?

Yeah. That came out "slimy,
smug-faced Tory wanker".

I had to cheat a bit.

Man on TV speaks in his language

stop, stop. Play that again.

They are speaking my language, but
the translation, it is all wrong.

You come from nagorno-karabakh?

Play it again.

No, I, um...

I wouldn't want to upset
you unnecessarily.

Play it again!

"The day he died, it was terrible.

"I have always loved Elvis.

"He was the king.

"I played his records nonstop
for a week afterwards.

"Particularly blue moon.

"But now, with money you give me...

"I can go to Memphis!"

Yeah, well, Gus wouldn't
pay for a charter,

so I got there days after all the
other journalists, so I just...

Oh, sod it, give me the bollocking.

Damien, you little scamp!

Amanda rang, can you ring her back?
Nope.

She's out of my life, and this time
it really doesn't worry me at all.

Not one iota. Yeah, yeah.

Um, George, er...

We were talking, and, um,
just out of interest...

Have you ever had any
drug experiences, George?

Well, actually, yes, I have. He hiccups

I went to this really
crazy party once. Uh-huh.

And there was this chap in the back
garden who rolled a funny cigarette.

Yes...

He rolled a funny cigarette.

Yes... you see, he rolled...

Helen, I think that's it.

So, nothing else?

No. He hiccups

oh, god, this is driving me mad!

Look, there's only one thing
that works, and that's a shock.

Did you know that at last
year's Christmas party,

Dave spent 20 minutes in
the stationary cupboard

with your daughter.

Helen, that won't work, because
I know it's not true. Eh, Dave?

You know, I have a feeling she's
found herself a young man.

I think his name must be
Richard, because I overheard her

telling her friends that all
she really wants is dick.

Really?

Yes, can't seem to get
enough dick, apparently.

Isn't that romantic? Lovely!

Hello!

Oh, for god's sake,
get him out of here!

I know I'm in inconvenience, Sally,

but I've read about all the charity
work that you've done to help us,

and I'd just like to say thank you.

And give you a big hug...

She screams

stop it, you stupid git! Oh, god!

Nothing but the mad, the drunk
and people with hiccups.

I don't know why I didn't
go home hours ago.

Because you're a lonely
middle-aged woman

without even a Filipino
maid to go home to.

Rubbish.

You're tormented by the
sound coming from next door

of normal people being happy.

I refuse to be lectured on
loneliness by a thatched inadequate.

Inadequate?

Oh, come, come, come.

You saw the delightful Dolores.

If only the office had been empty.

You knew perfectly well
somebody would be here,

you only brought her
in to show her off.

Don't be absurd! Why on earth
would she agree to that?

Oh, shut up, saddos, some
of us are trying to work.

That's a bit rich, isn't it,
him calling you a saddo?

Exactly! Stop it.

He's even sadder than you, isn't he?

He is!

Er, not that I am.

Though at least you don't pick
up rough trade on soho doorways

like she does.

I said stop it.

What's the matter,
Florence nightingale?

Put that down.

All right, then. Glass shatters

yes, yes, yes!

20,072!

Suck on that, stoat slayer!

Ha-ha!

And it's been a very
interesting exercise

in executive decision-making. Ho-ho.

Yes, indeedy.

He gasps

there you go, George,
you needed a shock!

It's only ketchup.

To stop the hiccups.

George...

George?

Ooh, shit!

The good news is, George
no longer has the hiccups.

The bad news is, it's
because he's in a coma.

Now, where's joy?

She's the one that did
the first aid course.

Ah, joy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, in a minute.

Now, piss off and don't come back.
We'll see.

Keep smiling, sis.

Yeah, well, um, he probably
calls everybody that.

You know, "sis", like you do.

And actually, a lot of those
homeless hostels are run by nuns.

Aren't they? So...

Ok, ok, he's my brother, all right?

Now, let's have a look at George.

He hiccups

finally stopped raining, then.

Oh, we've had some rain
this year, haven't we, eh?

Weatherman says there's more on
the way, apparently. Really?

Oh, please.

Shut up.

All right, I'll tell you.

My family make the windsors
look like the waltons.

My mum went from Valium
addiction to nervous breakdown

to attempted suicide.

My dad was even more disturbed. He
wanted to be Peter stringfellow.

Anyway...

He pissed off when we were
little, so, unsurprisingly,

three of the four kids
turned out psychos.

What happened to the fourth?

I think you'll find that's joy.

My sister, merrily,
is in a detox centre.

Jolly's in wormwood scrubs.

And happy got released into
the care of the doorway.

Bit difficult, is he?

Huh.

Yeah, well, he pops
up from time to time.

He loves causing chaos and
confusion in other people's lives.

Oh, really?

And why does he do that?

Well, I suppose it's because he's
unhappy and he wants attention

so he resorts to violence and...

Oh, yeah. Very clever.

Just take advantage
of me when I'm down.

Well, I'll have you know,
I do not want attention,

and I am not unhappy.

And anyone that says different
goes off the roof, all right?

I think we helped.

Shouldn't you be putting the
three o'clock bulletin together?

Oh, sod it, we'll just
repeat the two o'clock.

Bit of war, bit of princess di,
the government's crap, goodnight.

Feeling rough?

You do a lot of this
drinking stuff, don't you?

Yeah.

Well, what you do when
you reach the point

when all the things you're
trying to forget come back?

Muse on the cruel nature of existence.

And how do you do that?

Usually by saying... "Bloody women."

Bloody women. Right.

Can't live with 'em.
Can't live without them.

You're a natural.

She walks out on me yelling
something about commitment.

I don't know what the silly cow wants!

Have you been listening in?

I think I'm going to be sick.

Well, you're extraordinarily lucky,

because a bloke in an open-top
Porsche is just pulling up there.

Are you still here?

Oh, yes, well, I must
be on my way soon.

I've been up in vt watching
the latest footage

coming in from the European finance
ministers' meeting in Brussels.

Really? When I strolled
past there earlier,

I seem to remember
hearing cell block h.

No, no, I think you must've
been mistaken, Henry.

Yes, I've been very busy.

I certainly didn't stay here because
I was lonely and had nowhere to go.

Neither did I.

No. I believe you.

You do?

Yes.

Just as I expect you believe me.

It wasn't her. It was!

It was not. It was!

Look, what would Margaret Thatcher
be doing at four in the morning

staggering along the street
with a bottle of whiskey

in her hand singing
if I ruled the world?

I do believe you, Sally.

You're not a sad, lonely person.

No. We are both normal,
well-adjusted people.

All of us are!

You're not, you're a fucking weirdo.

Absolutely!

You should've seen what
just happened outside.

Someone just threw up all
over some bloke in a Porsche!

I dunno where it came from,

but it hit him with such
force, his dentures flew out.

Hey! You're not gonna let them
see those drug results, are you?

Well, why not?

I don't think he'll
take any action now.

Not now that he's down
there as a heroin user.

Look! My hiccups have gone!

I think these pills did the trick.

What were they?

Oh, I found them the other week when
I was cleaning out Deborah's room.

At first I thought they
might be contraceptives,

but then she reassured me they're
just herbal pick-me-up pills,

and she said I could keep them.

Really? Yes.

I took one the other night
when I worked late.

And what happened?

Well, I sat down in front
of the television,

all the programmes had finished,
so I just watched those little

black-and-white dots for
three or four hours.

It's a bit odd, isn't it?

George, can I just take these?

Sure. But I finished the bottle.

Still, my hiccups have
gone, and I can go home.

I wonder if I should take the tube.

You probably won't need the tube.

Oh, my god! Someone's beaten me!

Someone's got 24,550!

Happy?

Who's happy? I am, actually.

He even must've got into the lair
of lord zogg, the ferret gobbler.

Who is he? Joy's brother.

Oh, brilliant.

I take five weeks to beat my old total,

then I get beaten within an hour
by a member of the underclass.

Gus... no, no, no, there's no time!

I've got to beat 24,550.

Right, everyone, it'll soon
be time to start work again.

So, Henry and I thought we
would cooperate for once

and make everyone a cup of coffee.

Good grief! Er, happy
smashed the coffee-maker.

That's all right, we used Gus's
executive coffee-making machine.

It's a once-in-a-lifetime offer,
I'm sure no-one's going to refuse.

Gus...

Why don't you try
stroking this grapefruit?

Leaves on the line in the tunnel?

Too many passengers.

Migrating wildebeest
at perivale station.

I don't think that's
a very likely excuse

for getting stuck at a station
for 25 minutes, George.

Look at this, $12 million for Fergie,

why is she so popular in America?

Dunno.

I suppose it's the only country on
earth where she looks dignified.

Oh.

Er, do you want to...?

Oi!

What is the world coming to when
there are people ruder than me.

Well, according to the papers,

it's all the fault of
mindless TV filth.

Well, that's fair enough,
coming from them.

"Give me back my joy of essex",

and here's a picture of a man
with a teacup on his knob.

Thank god there's still some standards.

George! George!

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