Original subtitles

Theme music plays

muffled chatter

moustachioed closet gay with small penis.

Saddam Hussein.

Correct.

Stupid, fat slapper.

Both: It's Fergie.

No, David mellor.

Oh. Erm, oh...

He sighs and mumbles

John Major?

Thank you.

Slimy...

Both: Peter lilley.

Ok, erm, most powerful woman in the country.

Margaret Thatcher? No.

Virginia bottomley? No.

Delia Smith? No. Wears stupid scarves.

Margaret Thatcher?

Shags a Greek dickhead! Margaret Thatcher?

It's the queen! Oh, I was close, then.

Er, ooh... scary bloke with a beard.

You wouldn't wanna sit next to him at a dinner party.

Gerry Adams. Almost. Noel edmonds.

Er, total prat, talks bollocks.

John Major. Margaret Thatcher.

Murray Walker.

No, no, that's Gus.

Both: Oh! Close!

Er, that's enough. Back to work.

Oh, and, joy, can you do notes to everyone except for Henry,

reminding them that it's his 62nd birthday at the end of the week?

So no mentioning retirement, younger newsreaders or hairy ears.

Oh, god, no, we don't want him challenging everyone

to punch him in the stomach again.

We should never have let joy take him up on that.

Ok, where's twat-brain?

Who are you looking for, Henry?

Over the last 25 years,

I have read the news drunk, concussed, stoned,

with a live stoat in my underpants,

and once on regional television with my trousers around my ankles

and a Lithuanian prostitute under the news desk.

However, as far as the viewers are concerned,

the news has always been presented with appropriate dignity.

Which is why I get a little cross when, through my earpiece,

I'm instructed by captain bollocks

to give the viewers a reassuring smile

during an item about some tutsi children being massacred.

A live stoat?

Gus! Henry, old mate,

you and me may be super-intelligent,

plugged-in, opinion-forming kind of guys,

who understand exactly who was shooting who in... in, erm...

Narnia? ..Narnia.

But...

..We're in a ratings avalanche crisis situation,

so we need you to keep tickling Joe public's g-spot

with friendly facial expressions. All right?

It may have escaped your attention, Gus, but I am a newsreader,

not an arsehole.

You want to run a tacky circus, then hire Anthea Turner.

Perhaps I will, Henry.

Perhaps it's time for you to retire

and make way for a younger newsreader

without hair sprouting from every facial orifice.

Well, time to go home, eh?

Oh, that's right!

Go home, Henry, and don't come back!

Take your teeth out. Pull up your incontinence pads.

Go and rot in some old people's home,

because you're over 50 and you may as well be dead!

That is typical of you, George.

You insensitive bastard!

Don't worry, George, you're just unlucky.

Any messages, joy?

Yes, Sally, your planet called,

said your mission on earth was over and could you go home.

And, er, your panto rang.

They wanted to know why you weren't in rehearsals.

Honestly, it's only a pantomime. A couple of jokes,

a duet with dick whittington, then home.

I could do it standing on my head. That's what it says in the ladies'.

Sally, I wonder if I could have a chat with you about ratings.

Look, I just met them on shore leave.

And if I happen to make friends in the Portuguese Navy...

Good point, Gus, we do need to boost those audience figures.

Damien and his camera crew have just been attacked.

Apparently, they got pushed down some stairs by Liam Gallagher.

With Gerry the cameraman?

George, it's your turn to ring his wife.

Oh... is Damien ok?

Don't be ridiculous, Damien never gets hurt.

So... what's the diagnosis?

Three fractured ribs, two displaced lumbar vertebrae,

a sprained ankle, 17 stitches in my thigh,

a bruised hip, dislocated patella and a broken leg.

I might be a bit late in tomorrow.

Oh, no, no, no, Damien, you have the day off.

Come in the next day.

Gus, for goodness sake!

No, no, I'll be there.

Strained: Raring to go.

So... how's Gerry?

Absolutely fine.

He got pushed down the stairs just like me,

but he got up and walked away.

I don't understand it. Never mind, Damien. Perhaps he's got

some really serious injury that'll develop later.

Not that I'm at all spooked.

I don't feel my luck's run out or anything.

What are you doing?

I'm taking photos for the camera boys.

This is the first time that Damien has been injured

and not his crew! Damien,

you couldn't show us your stitches, could you, mate?

Stumpy Clark and Johnny no fingers want enlargements.

A bit long in the face, aren't we?

You look as if you just got a job as John redwood's warm-up man.

Yeah, well, you know I'd got a little bit behind on my rent

to the tune of...? ..�3,000.

Yeah. Well, anyway, last night,

my cousin Trevor very kindly agreed to lend me the money,

on condition I went straight round to my landlord's flat

and hand it over.

Which I fully intended to do, I really did,

however, on the way there, I happened to... Dave,

are the words "betting" and "shop" about to feature in this sentence?

I was gonna walk past, I swear, but the door was open.

I saw some odds chalked up on the wall,

they were offering 4/1 against Platt scoring against Chelsea tonight.

And I looked at his name up there,

and somehow, I knew he was my saviour and my destiny.

But that is the most irrational thing!

Yeah, I do grant you, it does seem totally irrational,

if it hadn't been for the dream. The dream?

You see, in my dream last night, Platt won the battle of Waterloo.

I don't want to know!

The bells have "tolled" my destiny!

And I shall return to London town to make my fortune.

Oh, Sally,

so good of you to drop by.

I'm sure my agent explained why I couldn't attend previous rehearsals.

He tried.

Right, introductions.

This is pat and Joan guscott, the singing plate spinners.

And this, of course, is the lovely and very famous rosemarie Ford,

playing dick whittington.

I think we walked together from Leicester to London

for the handicapped once.

Oh, yes, that's right. You joined us at hampstead.

And playing king rat, this is Shane chappell,

who you doubtless recognise as Greg,

the surfing anaesthetist from flying dentists. G'day.

You're a really well-known face back in oz, sal.

That clip from alright on the night,

when you're hosting that exercise programme,

and you breathe in and your panties fall down around your ankles,

and then you trip and fall into the swimming pool...

Bloody brilliant! And Jim Davidson's off today.

He's getting married, or divorced, it'll be one of the two.

Well, I must say, I'm rather looking forward to it.

Really? Oh, yes,

I always enjoy working with second division entertainers,

because their attitude is so much better

than the big stars. Right. Well, we've got a lot to do, so...

Oh, don't worry, pantomime's a doddle, isn't it?

I could do it with both hands tied behind my back.

That's what it says in the ladies'.

Anyone know where Sally is?

She's phoned in sick. Well, what's the matter with her?

She's a cold-hearted bitch from hell.

No, I meant... oh, never mind!

She bunked off to do that panto. Well, I don't think Gus

should have agreed to her moonlighting like that.

Still, at least he did put his foot down

about her making that guest appearance

on oj Simpson's exercise video.

The archbishop of Canterbury is going to Rome tomorrow

to meet the pope. How about an angle?

Here's an angle.

We could run it as an international transvestites conference.

Never mind!

Oh, I don't believe it! What?

That giant pumpkin completely missed Napoleon.

Last night, in my dream,

when Platt kicked the pumpkin at the battle of Waterloo,

he missed! I've put all that money on a misremembered dream.

How could I be that stupid?!

It's a gift.

Oh, my god, it's ironside!

Damien, I thought you were still supposed to be in hospital.

I can't stand hospitals. Full of ill people.

No, I don't like hospitals.

Casualty at king's can be very depressing.

Mind you, it's the same at Saint Thomas'.

And guy's, barts, and the hospital for tropical diseases.

George! And the Chelsea and westminster.

Mind you, they were quite good

the time that that bit of Russian satellite

landed on my greenhouse roof while I was repotting my petunias.

I thought that wreckage landed in Australia.

Well, most of it did, yes.

Anyway, welcome back, Damien.

Damien, the hospital said you shouldn't think about work

for two or three weeks.

Yes, but I have to get back on the streets,

because this was just a freak accident.

Tense music

Jesus!

He gasps

gosh! That was lucky.

Lucky?!

Well, if I hadn't noticed that my shoelace was undone

at that exact moment...

That's funny, it's the sort of thing

that would normally have happened to me.

And everyone always says, "you're so lucky, Damien."

Yes, well, it was obviously just a fluke, wasn't it?

It's like how I got put in this wheelchair.

That was just a fluke.

It's just two freak occurrences, that's all.

I know, I'll do my drawing pin demonstration.

Oh, no, not again!

Joy, prepare the envelopes! Ya vol, doctor strangelove!

Right, Dave, press up competition. I bet I can do more than you.

No point in me even trying, Henry, I know you can beat me.

Damn right. Now, what have we got today?

Well, I want to do a report on the changes in rave culture.

We need someone with their finger on the pulse of current youth trends.

Sounds like you, Henry.

But Henry's 62.

Yes, all right! I may be 62,

but I'm as young and fit as anyone in this office.

Last week, I took this actress back to my flat.

She had five orgasms.

She must be a bloody good actress.

Oh, piss off, you...

Ok, I'm ready.

Now, each of these envelopes contains a drawing pin,

but only one of them has the spike facing up.

But because I am Damien day, I will not hit it.

Damien, I'm not sure...

At the holiday inn in Sarajevo,

I did this 29 times in a row without impaling myself.

I am invulnerable.

You see, no spike.

Holy shit!

Damien grunts let me have a go.

No! I'm lucky and you're not.

If I hit the drawing pin, you wouldn't stand a chance.

This just came in.

"Big siege in camberwell, two armed robbers."

Any hostages?

Yeah, a woman and three children. Excellent!

Excellent that it wasn't a larger family.

Still, this is our chance to get our rapid response team

reporting on the story before it happens.

But who's gonna cover it? Damien's out of action.

Well, it depends what you mean by "out of action".

What? We could always tow him into position.

And a disabled presenter on-screen is always a good idea

when the franchises are coming round for renewal.

Gus, he cannot possibly...

L-l-let's just give our fearless warrior

a chance to speak for himself, shall we?

Damien, would you like to get back into action

and cover these armed raiders?

Well, obviously, I'm... raring to get back into the thick of it.

Terrific.

But this might be a good opportunity to give a new reporter a chance.

That's the spirit, we'll... what?

You see, that spell in the hospital, it's left me feeling a bit tired.

Damien yawns oh, yes, very tired indeed.

I think we get the idea, Damien.

You are looking a bit peaky.

Quite yellow, in fact.

And don't worry, it doesn't matter

that tens of thousands of viewers are skulking away from globelink

just because we no longer have a brave,

indefatigable frontline reporter.

Oh, yes, we do!

Moi. It's about time I got back in the action.

Yes, I remember the last time you returned to the action in Kurdistan.

George had to come and drag you out of that cat house in Istanbul.

Oh, god, yes. That place smelt like a turkish brothel.

It'll be different this time.

Well, do I get the assignment?

Get out there, brave one.

Ah, I can't get a ticket for today's match.

You'll just have to listen to it on the radio.

No, I've got to be there. I nearly lost my sanity last time

when I had to listen to the tennis on the radio,

when I had that two grand on Jeremy Bates to win wimbledon.

Oh, god! What?

I've just remembered, that was after a dream, as well.

Jeremy Bates serving an ace past Hermann goering in tesco's.

Oh, yes, you are!

Oh, no, I'm not!

Oh, yes, you are!

Oh... all right, have it your way.

Sally! I don't think you've quite got the hang of this.

Incidentally, I notice from the script,

I'm expected to get children up on stage and give them things.

Is that correct?

Yes.

Will these children be screened in advance?

Look, all you have to do is get some kids on the stage

and just have some fun with them.

We'll cut it.

Right, ok, let's go on to rehearse

Sally and Shane's bavarian bottom slapping dance.

Our what?

Oh, yes. It's traditional for the fairy.

It always happens in this pantomime.

And so, the stand-off continues. Sirens blare

the two armed robbers, both in their early 20s,

ran from this road into the floodlit house

where they are now trapped.

Betraying their youthful inexperience.

The police response was disorganised at first,

until the arrival of superintendent Smith,

a vigorous man of 60,

who brought his years of experience to bear.

Henry Davenport, for globelink news.

Ok, Gerry? Yeah.

Do you want a hand? It's not arthritis!

Straining: It's just...

Cramp, like athletes get.

Ok. Right, let's get closer.

Man: Good shot, George.

Yes, I think luck may be my lady tonight.

What's the score in the footy?

Football commentary on radio still 0 - 0, so Platt hasn't scored.

Henry's first report just came down the line.

He's getting really, really close to the action now.

Yes, well, let's hope he's lucky, then.

Oh, Henry's always been lucky.

I remember during the tet offensive, when the Vietcong blew up his hotel,

and he was miraculously saved by this viennese prostitute

who just happened to be sitting on his head.

Damien, where's your wheelchair?

Good question. Somebody's had it away.

Somebody's stolen your wheelchair?

Not that I'm at all bothered,

it's par for the course for me now, that sort of luck.

Hey up.

Commentator: 'Takes the long throw, there's danger here.'

yes! You beauty!

Cheering

crowd cheer and chant

it's a miracle.

How are you gonna get home without your wheelchair?

No point going home.

I'll probably get hit by a piece of Russian satellite.

My worst nightmare has become real.

I've become George!

Damien, your luck hasn't suddenly changed.

Well, you can't argue with the drawing pins.

Yes, you can. Tell him, joy.

Tell me what?

All right.

All three envelopes had the spikes facing upwards, ok?

Nah, you're just saying that to make me feel better.

You wouldn't really have done something like that.

Damien, I'm joy.

Oh, yeah.

Damien, the law of averages

said that you had to have a mishap eventually,

so that doesn't mean that you're unlucky.

In fact, your escaping injury over all these years

means just one thing, that you're good at escaping injury.

So when you recover and get back out there,

things will be just the way they were before.

I suppose you're right.

Oh, you are right.

Overall, I am lucky!

You are. Thud

he groans

oh!

He grunts

high-pitched quiet groan

sorry!

Fluky ricochet.

That was vulgar and disgusting.

I know, Sally, but you couldn't put a panto on without one.

A wet kipper fight?

Oh, yes, it goes back centuries.

Yes, Anthea Turner used to do a brilliant one.

Anthea did it?

It's her forte.

It's why she was one of the highest-paid stars in panto.

Oh, well, that and her bucket of custard routine.

Bucket of custard routine?

Both: Mm!

Gerry whispering: Henry, we are too close.

Scaredy cat.

Even bloody Damien wouldn't be as daft as this.

In three, Gerry.

Whispering: This is Henry Davenport, only yards from the besieged house.

Gunshot

rapid gunshots they've opened fire!

Gerry, why aren't you filming?

I've been shot!

The police are moving in. We're gonna follow them.

Weakly: Henry! I said, Gerry, we're going to follow them!

Oh, Gerry, come on! Ugh!

Get up! I'm not gonna miss this chance.

Gerry chokes

oh, there's a bloody 14-year-old from the BBC!

Gerry strains give me the camera! I'll shoot it.

Henry groans

Henry strains

I've done it!

Glass shatters

so, what exactly's the history of this routine, again?

Are you sure Anthea Turner did this?

Yes, she got a standing ovation every night.

What's happened to our live coverage?

Itn have just cut to it.

Sky are staying with it.

Look, they're even going to it on newsnight.

Well, what's Henry sent us?

A prolonged close-up of some squashed tomatoes.

Cheering and applause

platty!

Oh, god, they're hard bastards, those disabled football supporters.

Here you go, Damien. Thanks.

Excuse me. Just putting my name down

for the office parachuting trip this weekend.

Is that wise, George?

He'll be fine, he's stolen my luck.

Helen, you've been to the panto with your daughter, haven't you?

Does anyone actually enjoy it?

Well, Chloe did.

Even the wet kipper fight? The what?

What about the bavarian bottom slapping dance?

Eh? The blindfold jelly feeding?

The fairy's striptease?

What?

Right, I'm going to sue!

Ah, just the man. Nobody say a word!

No, Henry, it was excellent.

Just such a pity that that very, very young reporter from the BBC

was only feet away as the gunman surrendered.

You got the money for your rent, then?

Yeah, and enough to pay back my cousin with interest.

Thud, shattering

joy: It's ok, I've got it, it's the circuit breaker.

Damien! Are you all right?

Yeah. I thought I was gonna come a real cropper,

but something soft broke my fall.

Really?

It's George.

Ye-e-e-e-s!

Erm...

Dave. Lucy.

Pleased to meet you.

Oh, god...

That'll be all that champagne you bought down the pub.

Yeah.

Still, now you've won your bet, you'll be able to repay your cousin.

Absolutely... provided spurs win 6 - 0 on Saturday.

And the tories win the barnsley by-election.

You're a moron, aren't you?

Telephone rings

hello. Yeah.

Oh, Helen, I'm sorry, the alarm didn't go off.

The Nick Scott file, yeah, it's on the Tory scandals disk.

No, volume six.

Yeah, look under "p" for "pisshead".

It'll be between "paedophile" and "porcupine".

Yes, porcupine, you remember Neil Hamilton at...

Oh, it doesn't matter.

What happened with Scott, by the way?

Oh, no, I had 500 quid on him to...

Helen? Helen?

Erm... I think this is yours.

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