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ok, listen up, everybody, here is today's quiz.

Match the excuse to the government scandal.

"I was on holiday at the time" was...

Thatcher, belgrano inquiry. "It was my first week at the job".

David willetts, last week.

Yep. "Just because I've been chancellor, foreign secretary

"and prime minister doesn't mean I know anything".

Erm... god... you know, that bloke...

Terry major-ball's brother. Yep. "I've got 30 million quid

"and I live in a house with a moat, so who cares?"

Alan Clark. And finally,

"my cock wouldn't stay in my trousers".

David mellor. Tim yeo. Lord Richards.

Steven Norris. David ashby. Cecil Parkinson.

Correct.

Have you seen what Henry has written today?

Oh, come off it. Nobody reads Davenport's diary except Davenport.

"A recent visit to the national gallery

"put me in mind of my colleague, Sally smedley.

"You can't help wondering if there's anything of substance

"under all those layers of paint".

Well, it's just Henry having a bit of a laugh.

Well, see if you think this is "a bit of a laugh".

"In a distinguished career, I have worked with some pretty rum folk,

"but my present band of colleagues is an unprecedented mixture

"of has-beens, wannabes, physical wrecks,

"emotional cripples and one dyke".

What?!

Good morning, esteemed colleagues!

And good morning, Sally.

What have I done? Your column.

Oh, that?! Well, it's just a bit of a joke!

Well, we don't think so. You may have overstepped the mark.

Have I? I'm not sure I like

being called a has-been. Don't be stupid, George.

You're the physical wreck.

I thought George was the emotional cripple.

No, you're the emotional cripple!

Good morning, happy family!

Is mr scoop the newshound in his kennel? You bet!

And would you like to hear some good news

about my glittering gala tribute to sir roysten merchant?

Not really. None of us were invited. That's the good news.

It's been decided that as globelink's most valued department,

nothing would be more fitting than if the entire news team

could join sir roysten and his celebrity guests

for my gala dinner on Friday.

Oh, lovely. However, due to pressure of space,

only two tickets are available. Er, which I'll leave with Helen

for optimum deployment of end-user distribution.

So, how is the speech going, Gus?

All right, thank you. You'll need to put some jokes in.

We could give you some if you like.

As it happens, I'm confining my remarks

to a brief resume of sir roysten's achievements,

after which I shall be handing over to an expert after-dinner raconteur.

Ooh, you should get John redwood. I hear he's very funny.

There's really no need, thank you. Actually, I'm just waiting for

Peter ustinov to return my calls. Call!

Joy, could I have a quick word? You can try.

So... who wants to eat lukewarm chicken with prince Edward?

I wouldn't go if you paid me. Yes, you would. It only took a fiver

to get you roller-skating through the arndale centre in a tutu.

Yeah, well, that was different. That was for a bet.

If we can't all go, nobody goes. I agree.

Absolutely. United we stand.

Well, if nobody else wants them, I'll have them both.

If she is having them, I want one. And me. Come on.

All right, all right. No-one gets them

until we work out a fair and sensible means of distribution.

How about potatoes?

What about a raffle? Like the last one?

So I got lucky! First, second and third prize?

No-one's that lucky. Well, don't look at me!

George organised it, didn't you? Yes...

I just helped out with the draw.

Well, you may like to know that these tickets aren't valid

without a �200 donation

to the roysten merchant charitable foundation.

200 quid for a ticket to brown nose day? Let Sally have 'em.

That's all right, I don't think I want them now.

Well, don't look at me.

Or me. Well, I'll just put them up here,

next to Peter.

So, you see, the plan is for you to be there

very much in a hands-on, participatory,

co-supervisory scenario.

So you want me to stand by the door with a tray of drinks?

Along with globelink's other young ladies, of course.

And would you like me to wear a leotard with a Fluffy bunny tail?

No, I think that would be a bit tacky.

Just a little black cocktail dress will do.

And if I refuse, I get the sack?

Joy! You're a member of the globelink family!

A caring, sharing multimedia conglomerate.

And when a member of our family becomes a little wayward,

we don't give them the sack. Then I refuse.

We might put a note on their personnel file.

So, if I agree to spend my Friday night as an unpaid servant wench,

then you will agree not to block my career?

I'll see you at the tribunal.

But I'm giving you the chance to rub shoulders with the stars!

Prince Charles, David mellor. Lady Olga maitland.

Just think what a fun evening you could have.

Yes... yes, I could, couldn't I?

Dave, what do you think you are playing at?

Eh? You've gone well over the top this time.

"Sally smedley has all the style and personality of a Barbie doll".

Yeah? "A Klaus Barbie doll".

Why the hell did you put that?

Look, our little arrangement is only going to work

as long as the paper thinks your column is written by you.

But you've made me look like a boorish, insensitive lout

with no regard for the feelings of the people I work with.

Of course, if you don't need the money any more, then I can always...

No, no, it's all right. I'll tone it down.

Good. And remember, this is my column with my name at the top.

Yeah. So in the future, I want to know what's in it.

Wait, there's only 500. You're on probation.

If anyone asks, I'm just popping over to rodolfo's

for another dress fitting. In view of my celebrity status,

he will probably let me have it for nothing.

Is it one of those fetching strips of black rubber,

elegantly set off by a row of safety pins?

Well, you'll just have to wait and see.

Although dear Rudy did once say I'd look good in a sack.

Oh, yes? Really?

Did he mention a specific canal?

Oh, by the way, they say this woman with the sexual harassment suit

may be able to make Bill Clinton exhibit his penis as evidence.

The question is...

All: Will it stand up in court?

Shall we do one of those media and morality pieces

on this car crash film?

Oh, it's hardly worth it.

The idea of people getting turned on by serious injuries is such old hat.

Have these people never seen footage of Thatcher going around hospitals?

Ok, we'll will make it item number 12.

What do you think, George?

George!

Loudly: Yes?

Oh, sorry. I was just listening to whales and dolphins.

I got the idea from my gp.

Any good? Seems to work for him.

Every time I walk through the surgery door,

he is just popping his headphones on.

Sometimes I think he'd rather listen to his tapes

than hear about my spastic colon.

Both laugh

what's all this levity?

We were just laughing at something George said.

Well, I didn't have him down as a humourist.

So, George is the office joker, eh?

Well, he creases me up.

What do you think you are playing at?

Are you talking to me or is this some devious ploy

to get a disabled parking sticker?

Henry was livid about that stuff you wrote in his column.

So what? I thought I'd liven things up a bit.

You nearly blew it this time. Henry will go ape if he finds out

that it's you that's been ghosting rather than me.

Oh, so, I'm not good enough? I didn't say that.

Or are you worried that when everyone finds out

how easy it is to write this crap, you'll both be out of a job?

Look, I am worried that when Henry finds out

his stuff has been written by someone just a sec...

Look... you know what Henry is like.

It's this pride thing, he mustn't suspect.

All right, I will grey it up a bit.

Er...

Where's my money for today's piece?

A hundred? It should be two.

You're on probation.

Gus, this guest list - you don't think you're being a bit ambitious?

How do you mean? Well, I should think

the queen has better things to do on a Friday night.

And the same goes for marlon Brando and Nelson mandela.

This is the gala event of the decade.

The great and the good will be desperate for tickets.

Well, in that case, you will be needing these.

What? No-one in there wants them.

Oh, I give up! Problem?

Oh, I'm having a lot of trouble with Peter ustinov's agent. Over money.

Well, what sort of trouble? He wants some.

I mean, this is for charity, for god's sake.

Oh, yes!

What exactly is it that the merchant charitable foundation does?

Well, it's to do with...

Helping poor people somewhere in the third world.

The Cayman Islands? I think that was it.

Now, I want a list of amusing after-dinner speakers.

Is this John redwood fellow funny?

Well, he's about as funny as amoebic dysentery.

It's a pity there isn't someone we know, within globelink.

You don't think that... George might possibly be our man?

George?! Well...

That is a totally original idea.

Oh!

George, the witty raconteur.

He's asked you?! Yes. What's so strange about that?

Well, some of us still remember the last time you spoke in public.

The press guild awards, 1993.

Black Thursday.

Oh, yes. But I'm off those tablets now.

I'll give you some jokes. Very kind of you, Damien.

Did you get your new dress from rodolfo yesterday?

He is being silly about money. I did point out

that if he gave it to me for nothing,

I could wear it as I went about my social world.

Well, I don't suppose rodolfo is that keen to see his latest creation

pressed against the windscreen of a lorry driver's cab.

I see you've toned it down a bit today, Henry.

You can say that again.

"Yesterday, I had to queue for over 20 minutes

"at my local supermarket checkout.

"What I don't understand is when things get really busy,

"why don't they simply open more tills?"

Not exactly Ernest Hemingway, is it?

You were the one who was complaining yesterday!

Well, I think it's very interesting, Henry.

I mean, fancy seeing two bluetits and a chaffinch

in your garden at this time of year.

How much do they pay you for this tripe?

Erm, it's just a couple of hundred, isn't it, Henry?

What? Henry just does it as a favour to an old mate.

What are you on about? Well, Henry should change his agent.

Surely the lowest of the low get paid more than a couple of hundred.

I'm not getting drawn into this.

My financial affairs are none of your business.

Even Anne diamond gets more than that.

Well, I... I am not Anne bloody diamond,

I'm Henry Davenport, and they pay me two grand a column, ok?!

Two grand! He's... He's making it up.

It's... it's a macho pride thing.

There's the bloody cheque, woman!

Bloody hell, George.

You've been up and down this morning like princess Diana's breakfast.

I'm sorry. It's these tapes.

I thought these things were supposed to relax you.

Well, they do. This one is my favourite,

and it seems to have a rather unfortunate side-effect.

"Whirlpools, fountains and waterfalls".

Excuse me.

So, what's your cut?

Oh, erm... look, I accept that you may feel

there are a few problems with the deal as it stands at the moment...

All sounds very conspiratorial. What deal might that be?

Ah, yeah, it's just that when things get really busy,

I get joy, strictly against the rules,

to pop down the bookies for me.

Mm-hm. In between writing your crappy column for you.

What?! Look...

You mean I've been paying �1,000...

A thousand?! Will we all keep our voices down!

..While all the time I thought I was hiring a fellow journalist,

and... the Davenport name has been hijacked

by some jumped-up typist.

Oh, Henry, no. Don't.

So, I take it the deal is off?

You bet it is, sweetheart.

From now on, no-one writes Henry Davenport's column

except Henry Davenport.

Erm, silly mix-up over the money...

Oh! Don't worry about that now. Right. Cheers.

I just need to work out exactly how much you owe me, plus interest,

then I will give you 24 hours to pay me, ok?

Ok.

So, George, how's the speech going?

Well, it's a tricky thing, getting the tone just right.

Could I read you this joke that Damien just gave me?

Well, as long as it's not the one about the hooker, the alsatian

and the tube of toothpaste. Aw! You've heard it!

You shit! You bastard!

You're finished in this town, do you hear?

No-one pulls out of my tribute to sir roysten merchant,

not even a no-one like you, mr yesterday!

Bloody archbishop of canterbury.

What's wrong with everyone?

You could always cancel.

Are you joking? This is my...

Our show of gratitude to sir roysten merchant

for 5.73 recurring fantastic years.

If we cancel, he will never forgive me.

Phone rings

she sighs

globelink news.

Right.

Yeah. Thanks. Bye.

Good news about Fergie. Yes?

She's dropped out too.

So then the sergeant says,

"no, we use the camels to ride into town".

He chuckles

go on!

That's it. You see, the first man thought that the camels were, er...

You know...

Well, maybe it needs a little more work.

Dave, erm, can I see tomorrow's column, then?

Eh? No, I thought you said... yes, I know what I said,

but that was for vampirella's benefit.

Are you seeing you don't need the money any more?

No, no. Right. Well, better get a move on.

Good man. I might even restore the old rate.

What are you staring at? George.

What about him? You know his relaxation tapes?

Yeah.

Well, I got Keith in sound

to overdub this one with a quick blast of motorhead.

It should be kicking in any...

Second... now.

Yes!

Ridiculous little man. No luck with the free dress?

I offered to wear it to all of my personal appearances,

but he said he would rather I wore it where people are going to see it.

Ok, listen up, people.

Friends. Chuckles

family. Thanks to the overwhelming response

to my tribute to sir roysten merchant gala,

the current price frame has been restructured

to allow a positive cost benefit to members of staff.

Right, now, shall we say �175 a ticket?

Snickering

150?

Oh, come on, this could be the chance of a lifetime.

Rubbing shoulders with... with...

Su pollard...

And... Mr...

Mr motivator. Exactly!

Now that must be worth �100 of anyone's money.

All right, Gus, you're on.

Great! �100 a head, then. But I want the cash up front, hm?

Oh! Oh, I'm sorry.

I thought you were going to pay us �100.

Both laugh ok, you can laugh if you want.

But I tell you,

a lot of people spent a lot of personal hours on this gala.

I just hope you'll sleep at night in the dreadful knowledge

that when sir roysten called, you put him on hold.

As far as I'm concerned, may you all burn in hellfire for all eternity.

Well, it's that or an evening with su pollard.

Erm... Gus? What?

This thing tomorrow... will there be any photographers?

There's no need to piss me about. I beg your pardon?

I just phoned the paper to ask where to fax the copy to -

you've already sent it.

No, I haven't. Well, somebody has. It wasn't me...

Don't worry. How bad can it be?

Excellent column, Henry.

I must say, it's very brave to describe yourself like this.

"Growing old with dignity is becoming a serious challenge.

"How hard it is to find dentures that fit,

"a wig to match my natural hair colour.

"And a sexual partner who doesn't mind long spells of...

"Hanging around."

Shut up! But you should be so proud!

It's so courageous, so candid.

So accurate.

Yes, it's almost as if he had written himself.

I hope you enjoy it, because it's the last one.

I've cancelled the column. Wasn't that a bit hasty?

You'd be hasty if you saw yourself described as...

"A super-annuated old soak

"whose only excitement in bed these days

"is a stripy pillowcase".

Phone ringing Davenport.

So, George, are you going to have a bet on the Christmas number one?

6-4 on the spice girls. 5-1, Madonna.

And at 1,000-1...

Whirlpools, fountains and waterfalls!

Sound of water splashing oh, very funny (!)

Look, Dave, I may have been a bit hasty cancelling the column.

You see, that was the editor. He says that today's column

was the best I've ever written.

Poignant, funny, truthful. Yeah?

They are offering an extra 500, plus an additional column on Sundays.

Oh, right. Obviously, I'd pay a higher rate.

Do you think 1,500 a column sounds about right?

Yeah, terrific. Good.

So, do you think joy will do it, then?

Joy? What about me?

I haven't forgotten about you.

You will get 20 quid for keeping an eye on her copy.

You ratbag. You creep!

I will see that you never appear on globelink, globelink daytime,

or sir roysten's home shopping channel again!

Cardinal hume? Su pollard.

You know, it's still not too late to cancel.

Helen, I have warned you before about using the c-word.

Gus, a message from sir roysten's office.

What?

"Can we send the car for seven rather than quarter to?"

Oh, yes. Or better still, send three cars.

One at quarter to, one at seven, and one at quarter past.

We don't want sir roysten to think we're inefficient.

Oh, and joy, you'll be on duty to hand out canapes from 6:45.

Jawohl, mein fuhrer! Right!

I'll tell you something, madam.

You've got a real attitude problem. Er, Gus...

I don't know exactly how long you've been here,

I'm not sure exactly what it is that you do,

but tonight, you will shed your habitual expression of negativity

and enjoy yourself. Understand?

Oh, yes! Don't you worry about that!

Ah! I can see it all now.

This is going to be the party of the decade.

The celebrities glittering,

the flashbulbs popping, sir roysten, sitting at my side,

smiling at me. Oh, yes!

This is going to be a night to remember.

My lords, ladies and gentlemen.

Mr George dent.

Clears throat

your royal highness,

your grace,

your eminence,

your excellency,

my lords, ladies and gentlemen.

On an illustrious occasion such as this,

I'm reminded of a rather amusing incident...

You see, my friend was collecting coconuts.

Sorry, I shouldn't have told you that bit.

That's the punchline, so...

Just forget I told you that bit. Ok, right.

So, anyway...

Do you know something?

This... is the worst moment...

Of my entire... life.

Well, if you think this is bad, you should see

what Henry Davenport has written about you in tomorrow's paper.

Such a shame about sir roysten's grandmother.

Still, she must have been quite old.

About 153 by my calculations.

And there were no photographers. Oh, dear!

So you won't make the front cover of ostrich farmers weekly.

And your column, attacking mps who voted to keep handguns -

I mean, what about our olympic sportsmen?

Yes, because bronze medals are so vital for the nation's well-being.

Mind you, I'm very surprised

that a sensible man like David mellor voted for the gun ban.

Well, perhaps it will keep the price up for the arms trade.

Good point, joy!

Mind you, Sally, you are right. I'm surprised mellor voted against.

Surely owning a handgun is the only way he can get a shag.

Oh, roysten! Your car's here!

Oh, yes!

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