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1
00:00:38,000 --> 00:00:40,679
Sally: The twilight years can be hard.
2
00:00:40,680 --> 00:00:42,959
Especially for women.
3
00:00:42,960 --> 00:00:47,320
Their loved ones departed, they
can face an uncertain future.
4
00:00:48,400 --> 00:00:52,519
And all too often with little
money to support them.
5
00:00:52,520 --> 00:00:55,479
But the national sponsor
a senior citizen scheme
6
00:00:55,480 --> 00:00:57,479
is changing all that.
7
00:00:57,480 --> 00:00:59,559
For a modest monthly donation,
8
00:00:59,560 --> 00:01:02,560
you can bring a little
sunshine into their lives.
9
00:01:03,680 --> 00:01:05,240
So, call now.
10
00:01:06,280 --> 00:01:11,799
This is Sally smedley asking you
to sponsor a senior citizen today
11
00:01:11,800 --> 00:01:15,280
and give someone like Edith a smile.
12
00:01:22,280 --> 00:01:23,919
Well, now I've seen everything.
13
00:01:23,920 --> 00:01:26,879
Saint Sally, queen of colostomy bags.
14
00:01:26,880 --> 00:01:29,959
How much did they bung you for that?
I did it for free.
15
00:01:29,960 --> 00:01:33,359
It was a very worthwhile cause,
helping the aged and the infirm.
16
00:01:33,360 --> 00:01:35,719
I'd have thought you'd be grateful.
17
00:01:35,720 --> 00:01:38,359
Ah, now, then, now,
then, no long faces.
18
00:01:38,360 --> 00:01:40,479
Ok, who wants coffee? I'm in the chair.
19
00:01:40,480 --> 00:01:42,199
God, look at him!
20
00:01:42,200 --> 00:01:44,960
He's as happy as a transvestite
in Dorothy Perkins!
21
00:01:46,240 --> 00:01:48,879
He's happy because he's
engaged to be married.
22
00:01:48,880 --> 00:01:51,360
Aren't you, David? He's
off his bloody chump.
23
00:01:53,920 --> 00:01:55,000
Hello, Gus.
24
00:01:55,960 --> 00:01:57,439
Hello.
25
00:01:57,440 --> 00:01:59,079
Jenny.
26
00:01:59,080 --> 00:02:00,719
Jenny!
27
00:02:00,720 --> 00:02:02,879
George, this is Jenny...
28
00:02:02,880 --> 00:02:04,319
Jenny.
29
00:02:04,320 --> 00:02:05,839
For years, she was my secre...
30
00:02:05,840 --> 00:02:07,159
Assist...
31
00:02:07,160 --> 00:02:09,519
Second-line reserve support
at merchant chemicals.
32
00:02:09,520 --> 00:02:10,919
Very pleased to meet you.
33
00:02:10,920 --> 00:02:13,119
So, what brings you here, Jenny? Work.
34
00:02:13,120 --> 00:02:15,839
Oh, I'm sorry, but we have a
full complement of secre...
35
00:02:15,840 --> 00:02:17,359
Assist... backup.
36
00:02:17,360 --> 00:02:20,239
Oh. Well, I'll just have
to run the place, then.
37
00:02:20,240 --> 00:02:21,359
They all chuckle
38
00:02:21,360 --> 00:02:23,159
this is from sir royston.
39
00:02:23,160 --> 00:02:25,639
Authorising me to run the
rule over globelink.
40
00:02:25,640 --> 00:02:27,039
Clear out any deadwood.
41
00:02:27,040 --> 00:02:28,879
He chuckles
42
00:02:28,880 --> 00:02:30,639
you mean sir royston chose you to...?
43
00:02:30,640 --> 00:02:32,039
Yes, little old me.
44
00:02:32,040 --> 00:02:34,999
You see, after I worked for you,
I did the company mba scheme.
45
00:02:35,000 --> 00:02:37,759
I spent a few years at
the New York office.
46
00:02:37,760 --> 00:02:39,159
Then, when we were sunbathing
47
00:02:39,160 --> 00:02:41,279
on sir royston's yacht
a couple of weeks ago,
48
00:02:41,280 --> 00:02:43,920
he asked me to just come in
and examine your operations.
49
00:02:44,840 --> 00:02:49,319
So, here I am, with you as my
second-line reserve support.
50
00:02:49,320 --> 00:02:50,879
Ironic, isn't it?
51
00:02:50,880 --> 00:02:52,520
Isn't it?
52
00:02:53,880 --> 00:02:56,679
Damien, can you nip out tomorrow
and do some vox pops on caning?
53
00:02:56,680 --> 00:02:58,679
Sorry, no can do.
54
00:02:58,680 --> 00:03:00,559
I'm meeting someone who says he knows
55
00:03:00,560 --> 00:03:03,399
where bse-infected
cattle really end up.
56
00:03:03,400 --> 00:03:06,839
We already know. They end
up running English rugby.
57
00:03:06,840 --> 00:03:09,959
Here's that nhs research
you wanted, George.
58
00:03:09,960 --> 00:03:11,319
That was quick.
59
00:03:11,320 --> 00:03:14,479
I must say, Julie's certainly
made a big difference to you.
60
00:03:14,480 --> 00:03:16,639
I know. I can't wait
to be married to her.
61
00:03:16,640 --> 00:03:18,239
Oh, Dave.
62
00:03:18,240 --> 00:03:22,199
After all those years of being
terrified of commitment,
63
00:03:22,200 --> 00:03:24,199
where's mr panic attack now, hey?
64
00:03:24,200 --> 00:03:25,919
Where's mr run a mile?
65
00:03:25,920 --> 00:03:28,759
Mr sorry, I've been
posted to Venezuela?
66
00:03:28,760 --> 00:03:33,439
All those fears about tying yourself
down to just the same woman
67
00:03:33,440 --> 00:03:35,999
for the next 40 years.
68
00:03:36,000 --> 00:03:40,560
About being trapped in the
terrible drudgery of domesticity.
69
00:03:41,560 --> 00:03:43,280
You silly.
70
00:03:46,080 --> 00:03:47,559
Are you all right?
71
00:03:47,560 --> 00:03:49,239
Yes, I'm very happy.
72
00:03:49,240 --> 00:03:51,760
Oh, look, Henry, your
daughter's here (!)
73
00:03:54,320 --> 00:03:58,240
Sally, isn't that the woman
from your old lady ad?
74
00:03:59,280 --> 00:04:00,680
Oh, yes, so it is.
75
00:04:01,640 --> 00:04:03,039
Hello!
76
00:04:03,040 --> 00:04:05,399
How lovely to see you again!
77
00:04:05,400 --> 00:04:07,279
Just wanted to come and thank you.
78
00:04:07,280 --> 00:04:11,079
You putting yourself out like
that was very important to us.
79
00:04:11,080 --> 00:04:13,399
It was important to me, too, Edith.
80
00:04:13,400 --> 00:04:15,879
My granny was my whole world.
81
00:04:15,880 --> 00:04:18,079
She meant everything to me.
82
00:04:18,080 --> 00:04:20,559
She's not with us any more, but...
83
00:04:20,560 --> 00:04:23,159
Oh, I don't know, maybe this was my way
84
00:04:23,160 --> 00:04:27,039
of giving back a little of the
love with which I was so blessed.
85
00:04:27,040 --> 00:04:28,400
Bleugh!
86
00:04:29,400 --> 00:04:30,999
That's lovely, dear.
87
00:04:31,000 --> 00:04:32,679
Isn't she a marvel?
88
00:04:32,680 --> 00:04:34,279
She should be given a medal.
89
00:04:34,280 --> 00:04:36,119
Yeah, posthumously.
90
00:04:36,120 --> 00:04:38,439
Well, bye-bye, then, dear.
91
00:04:38,440 --> 00:04:40,560
Bye-bye, Edith.
92
00:04:46,960 --> 00:04:48,999
Knocking on the door
93
00:04:49,000 --> 00:04:50,440
Dave!
94
00:04:52,440 --> 00:04:54,520
God, is that the time? I
was lucky to find you up.
95
00:04:55,920 --> 00:04:57,879
The thing is, erm...
96
00:04:57,880 --> 00:05:02,039
I've been thinking this over
and over and over and over...
97
00:05:02,040 --> 00:05:03,159
You're getting married,
98
00:05:03,160 --> 00:05:05,279
but now you're not sure
you're doing the right thing.
99
00:05:05,280 --> 00:05:06,679
Yes.
100
00:05:06,680 --> 00:05:09,279
George said... oh, you
listened to George?
101
00:05:09,280 --> 00:05:11,479
The mystic Meg of marital advice (!)
102
00:05:11,480 --> 00:05:13,719
Yeah, but he made me think.
103
00:05:13,720 --> 00:05:15,559
I mean, what if Julie's not the one?
104
00:05:15,560 --> 00:05:17,959
I mean, how do you ever really know?
Well...
105
00:05:17,960 --> 00:05:19,919
I thought you were the one
once, and you weren't.
106
00:05:19,920 --> 00:05:22,119
I could be wrong again. If...
107
00:05:22,120 --> 00:05:24,399
I mean, what if I just think
she's the only one for me,
108
00:05:24,400 --> 00:05:27,239
when, actually, the real
only one is somewhere else?
109
00:05:27,240 --> 00:05:28,679
By the time I've realised that
110
00:05:28,680 --> 00:05:30,719
there's another woman I'm
supposed to be with,
111
00:05:30,720 --> 00:05:32,919
she could have gone off
with some other man,
112
00:05:32,920 --> 00:05:35,039
thinking he's her only one.
113
00:05:35,040 --> 00:05:37,879
Not knowing that she's my only
one because I'm happily living
114
00:05:37,880 --> 00:05:41,119
with this woman I'm supposed
to be in love with when...
115
00:05:41,120 --> 00:05:42,919
Hang on, I've lost myself now.
116
00:05:42,920 --> 00:05:46,159
The thing is, I don't think
I can risk it, can I?
117
00:05:46,160 --> 00:05:48,159
No. I'll call off the engagement.
118
00:05:48,160 --> 00:05:50,440
Listen, what are you so scared of?
119
00:05:51,400 --> 00:05:55,639
I'm scared of letting someone get
so close, they'll see the real me
120
00:05:55,640 --> 00:05:58,879
and discover this is
actually all there is.
121
00:05:58,880 --> 00:06:01,399
Especially when they may not
be the one for me after all.
122
00:06:01,400 --> 00:06:04,719
I mean, how do you know? What if the
real only one is somewhere else?
123
00:06:04,720 --> 00:06:07,119
By the time I've... Have
I said this already?
124
00:06:07,120 --> 00:06:08,719
So, what?
125
00:06:08,720 --> 00:06:10,839
You carry on and end
up as a 70-year-old,
126
00:06:10,840 --> 00:06:14,159
pushing Henry round nightclubs in
his bath chair, pulling tea ladies
127
00:06:14,160 --> 00:06:16,680
and desperately trying to
have sex on your stairlift.
128
00:06:18,960 --> 00:06:21,519
Now, come on, you like a bet.
129
00:06:21,520 --> 00:06:22,879
Take a chance!
130
00:06:22,880 --> 00:06:24,199
Yeah, you're right.
131
00:06:24,200 --> 00:06:26,039
Oh, this is great!
132
00:06:26,040 --> 00:06:27,679
The love match of the millennium.
133
00:06:27,680 --> 00:06:29,439
Thank you, Helen.
134
00:06:29,440 --> 00:06:31,519
How do I know she'll be faithful?
135
00:06:31,520 --> 00:06:33,159
Oh, god!
136
00:06:33,160 --> 00:06:35,039
She says she wants a
committed relationship.
137
00:06:35,040 --> 00:06:36,399
But that's what I always say.
138
00:06:36,400 --> 00:06:38,279
And she's been married before.
139
00:06:38,280 --> 00:06:41,119
So, at some time, he must
have been her one true love.
140
00:06:41,120 --> 00:06:44,119
She's unreliable. I can't risk it!
Oh, my god, I've been blind!
141
00:06:44,120 --> 00:06:46,320
I'm calling it off! Oh, for god's sake!
142
00:06:47,280 --> 00:06:52,239
Now, you either carry on with the
puerile life you've been leading,
143
00:06:52,240 --> 00:06:54,239
or you grow up.
144
00:06:54,240 --> 00:06:57,159
Now, you love her, so you do it.
145
00:06:57,160 --> 00:06:58,799
I'll do it. I'll do it.
146
00:06:58,800 --> 00:07:02,679
Oh, yes, this'll be the bestest
marriage you ever saw!
147
00:07:02,680 --> 00:07:06,199
I know. And I'm very happy for you.
148
00:07:06,200 --> 00:07:07,960
Now piss off out of my flat.
149
00:07:11,680 --> 00:07:13,479
Damien: Hello?
150
00:07:13,480 --> 00:07:14,960
Hello?
151
00:07:16,680 --> 00:07:17,799
Hello?
152
00:07:17,800 --> 00:07:18,999
Oh!
153
00:07:19,000 --> 00:07:20,799
Hello.
154
00:07:20,800 --> 00:07:23,039
Damien day. Globelink news.
155
00:07:23,040 --> 00:07:24,159
I know.
156
00:07:24,160 --> 00:07:28,239
So, er, you're gonna
dish the dirt on bse?
157
00:07:28,240 --> 00:07:30,040
Not exactly.
158
00:07:32,600 --> 00:07:35,440
A few years back, you did
a report on my brother.
159
00:07:39,880 --> 00:07:41,399
Oh, yes?
160
00:07:41,400 --> 00:07:43,519
It was a complete con.
161
00:07:43,520 --> 00:07:45,880
You stitched him up big time. Remember?
162
00:07:47,200 --> 00:07:49,200
Could you be more specific?
163
00:07:50,520 --> 00:07:52,759
My brother did five
years because of you.
164
00:07:52,760 --> 00:07:55,120
Yeah, look, I'm sorry, but I
have nothing to say to...
165
00:07:56,640 --> 00:07:59,920
Oh... bugger!
166
00:08:03,800 --> 00:08:05,839
Back again?
167
00:08:05,840 --> 00:08:08,400
I made you this as a thank you.
168
00:08:13,200 --> 00:08:15,800
God, it's uncannily accurate.
169
00:08:17,040 --> 00:08:20,360
A sickly face covering
a very thick sponge.
170
00:08:21,600 --> 00:08:23,399
Thank you so much.
171
00:08:23,400 --> 00:08:25,759
And I wonder if I could ask a favour.
172
00:08:25,760 --> 00:08:28,839
Would you record a message
for beryl at the day centre?
173
00:08:28,840 --> 00:08:31,599
She starts wearing her
surgical stockings tomorrow,
174
00:08:31,600 --> 00:08:35,159
so she'll need cheering up, and
you're her favourite newsreader.
175
00:08:35,160 --> 00:08:37,799
Oh! After moira Stuart, of course.
176
00:08:37,800 --> 00:08:39,440
Of course.
177
00:08:41,200 --> 00:08:42,920
Hello, beryl.
178
00:08:44,320 --> 00:08:47,200
I hope your veins stop leaking soon.
179
00:08:48,240 --> 00:08:51,399
And if you wouldn't mind, there's
just a few more that I...
180
00:08:51,400 --> 00:08:56,319
No! Look, I'm sorry, I've
got to go and... rehearse.
181
00:08:56,320 --> 00:08:59,360
Yes, it's only eight hours
till the evening bulletin.
182
00:09:00,960 --> 00:09:04,040
Can I do that for you, dear?
Yeah, all right.
183
00:09:06,200 --> 00:09:09,520
Now you'll see our top-flight centre
of news excellence in action.
184
00:09:12,480 --> 00:09:15,319
What's the filling in today's
scoop sandwich, chief?
185
00:09:15,320 --> 00:09:18,559
Well, we're going to lead on
this sanctions-busting story.
186
00:09:18,560 --> 00:09:20,639
A British firm selling arms to Libya.
187
00:09:20,640 --> 00:09:23,839
Now, George, I'm not here.
188
00:09:23,840 --> 00:09:26,199
But we don't want to find ourselves
189
00:09:26,200 --> 00:09:29,239
in a hoddle picks gascoigne situation.
190
00:09:29,240 --> 00:09:32,439
Because I happen to know those
goods were supplied in good faith
191
00:09:32,440 --> 00:09:35,039
and for entirely peaceful purposes.
192
00:09:35,040 --> 00:09:36,679
Oh, come on, gussie!
193
00:09:36,680 --> 00:09:38,439
Sir royston's own arms company
194
00:09:38,440 --> 00:09:41,439
supplied a radar missile
detection system.
195
00:09:41,440 --> 00:09:44,879
Yes. And sir royston checked personally
196
00:09:44,880 --> 00:09:47,919
and they assured him they needed it
to keep track of the contestants
197
00:09:47,920 --> 00:09:50,800
in the Libyan hang
gliding championships.
198
00:09:51,960 --> 00:09:53,519
There's no story there, George.
199
00:09:53,520 --> 00:09:55,479
I'm sure our new colleague
would agree with me.
200
00:09:55,480 --> 00:09:57,599
George is the editor.
201
00:09:57,600 --> 00:09:59,760
I think it should be his decision.
202
00:10:00,720 --> 00:10:01,839
Oh.
203
00:10:01,840 --> 00:10:03,560
Right, then.
204
00:10:04,840 --> 00:10:06,640
I think we should run it. Fine.
205
00:10:07,760 --> 00:10:09,439
Oh, yes, of course.
206
00:10:09,440 --> 00:10:12,079
I was just playing devil's solicitor.
207
00:10:12,080 --> 00:10:13,599
Terrific.
208
00:10:13,600 --> 00:10:15,360
Go get 'em, skip.
209
00:10:16,600 --> 00:10:18,799
Erm, George...
210
00:10:18,800 --> 00:10:21,159
Can we have lunch together? Lunch?
211
00:10:21,160 --> 00:10:23,279
Mm. Only, I'd like you to
talk me through a few things
212
00:10:23,280 --> 00:10:26,159
and it'll save me having to get
them all from captain gobshite.
213
00:10:26,160 --> 00:10:27,399
Captain gobshite?
214
00:10:27,400 --> 00:10:30,639
It's what we used to call
Gus at merchant chemicals.
215
00:10:30,640 --> 00:10:32,279
What a coincidence (!)
216
00:10:32,280 --> 00:10:33,759
Where's it to be?
217
00:10:33,760 --> 00:10:35,759
The caprice or the Ivy?
218
00:10:35,760 --> 00:10:37,240
You choose.
219
00:10:38,320 --> 00:10:39,360
Oh.
220
00:10:44,840 --> 00:10:46,199
Right...
221
00:10:46,200 --> 00:10:48,999
You're gonna find out what
it's really like in prison.
222
00:10:49,000 --> 00:10:50,599
First, we need to delouse you.
223
00:10:50,600 --> 00:10:52,719
Oh, look, I don't think
this is really...
224
00:10:52,720 --> 00:10:54,040
Now...
225
00:10:55,240 --> 00:10:57,479
..We wash you down. Oh,
no, wait, please...!
226
00:10:57,480 --> 00:10:58,639
Oh!
227
00:10:58,640 --> 00:10:59,919
Urgh!
228
00:10:59,920 --> 00:11:01,519
How's it feel so far?
229
00:11:01,520 --> 00:11:02,639
You're... mad?
230
00:11:02,640 --> 00:11:04,599
Yeah, you're probably right.
231
00:11:04,600 --> 00:11:07,400
Do you know one of the worst
things about prison life?
232
00:11:08,760 --> 00:11:10,439
The routine.
233
00:11:10,440 --> 00:11:13,479
The agonising repetitiveness
of everything.
234
00:11:13,480 --> 00:11:16,959
So... this is set to repeat.
235
00:11:16,960 --> 00:11:18,999
Enjoy.
236
00:11:19,000 --> 00:11:20,639
? It's coming home
237
00:11:20,640 --> 00:11:23,119
? it's coming football's
coming home... ?
238
00:11:23,120 --> 00:11:24,680
You bastard!
239
00:11:27,680 --> 00:11:29,400
Telephone rings
240
00:11:31,200 --> 00:11:33,280
ringing continues
241
00:11:36,000 --> 00:11:37,759
hello?
242
00:11:37,760 --> 00:11:39,240
Yes, hello.
243
00:11:40,240 --> 00:11:41,880
And hello from here, too.
244
00:11:43,080 --> 00:11:45,359
This woman just keep saying, "hello."
245
00:11:45,360 --> 00:11:46,919
Give that to me.
246
00:11:46,920 --> 00:11:48,680
This is Sally smedley.
247
00:11:49,760 --> 00:11:51,080
Nobody.
248
00:11:52,040 --> 00:11:54,840
Yes, Friday will be fine. Thank you.
249
00:11:55,960 --> 00:11:58,720
That was hello! Magazine.
250
00:11:59,880 --> 00:12:02,519
Look, you really can't stay here.
251
00:12:02,520 --> 00:12:05,039
You know, it's the rules.
252
00:12:05,040 --> 00:12:07,239
I'm just waiting for the rain to stop.
253
00:12:07,240 --> 00:12:09,999
Well, I'll fetch you a cab.
No, I couldn't possibly.
254
00:12:10,000 --> 00:12:12,279
It'll stop soon. Sally sighs
255
00:12:12,280 --> 00:12:13,839
I do like that top.
256
00:12:13,840 --> 00:12:15,520
Is it from littlewoods?
257
00:12:17,040 --> 00:12:18,720
Littlewoods?!
258
00:12:20,200 --> 00:12:22,359
And then it turned out that the hornets
259
00:12:22,360 --> 00:12:24,639
were being attracted by the
colour of my cardigan.
260
00:12:24,640 --> 00:12:25,919
No!
261
00:12:25,920 --> 00:12:30,639
Joy, I've devised a new
postal collection system.
262
00:12:30,640 --> 00:12:33,919
In future, all outgoing mail
will be processed by you.
263
00:12:33,920 --> 00:12:36,919
It'll produce an up-sized
fast-track cost benefit.
264
00:12:36,920 --> 00:12:39,280
Well, that's stupid. What?
265
00:12:40,480 --> 00:12:43,759
And when I'm busy somewhere else and
the whole system grinds to a halt,
266
00:12:43,760 --> 00:12:45,639
will I be held
responsible, as per usual,
267
00:12:45,640 --> 00:12:48,319
with every other crap idea that
crawls out of your office?
268
00:12:48,320 --> 00:12:49,599
Er...
269
00:12:49,600 --> 00:12:52,639
Yes, well, there may be
valid aspects of a...
270
00:12:52,640 --> 00:12:54,519
We'll stay with the old system.
271
00:12:54,520 --> 00:12:57,799
Old Gus is never rigid in the
flexibility department, as you know.
272
00:12:57,800 --> 00:13:02,439
And yet, we do need an effective
means of regulating the post.
273
00:13:02,440 --> 00:13:06,519
Exactly. So I've decided we will
switch to the new system after all.
274
00:13:06,520 --> 00:13:09,480
On the other hand... oh, just
bloody do it, all right?!
275
00:13:10,880 --> 00:13:13,039
I mean, er... everything
all right, Gus?
276
00:13:13,040 --> 00:13:14,599
Oh, yes, absolutely.
277
00:13:14,600 --> 00:13:16,520
Terrific!
278
00:13:20,960 --> 00:13:23,199
That woman's out to get me, George.
279
00:13:23,200 --> 00:13:25,839
For years, I nurtured her, and
this is how she repays me.
280
00:13:25,840 --> 00:13:29,360
Oh, I don't know, Gus. She
strikes me as being rather nice.
281
00:13:30,600 --> 00:13:31,880
Really?
282
00:13:32,840 --> 00:13:34,279
I've done it, everyone.
283
00:13:34,280 --> 00:13:36,159
I've given Julie an engagement ring.
284
00:13:36,160 --> 00:13:38,679
Well, it was only a hula
hoop, but she got the idea.
285
00:13:38,680 --> 00:13:40,639
Dave, I'm so happy for you both.
286
00:13:40,640 --> 00:13:41,919
Dave...
287
00:13:41,920 --> 00:13:45,799
Look, as one mate to another...
don't do it.
288
00:13:45,800 --> 00:13:48,119
What? I know it all seems lovely now.
289
00:13:48,120 --> 00:13:50,359
Laughs. Companionship.
290
00:13:50,360 --> 00:13:52,639
Sex without struggling
to remember her name.
291
00:13:52,640 --> 00:13:54,439
But you'll soon get tired of that.
292
00:13:54,440 --> 00:13:58,159
Then one day, she'll hit you
with those three little words.
293
00:13:58,160 --> 00:14:00,839
"Darling, I'm pregnant."
And you're dead.
294
00:14:00,840 --> 00:14:04,439
You'll be in a nightmare of
crappy nappies and vomit.
295
00:14:04,440 --> 00:14:07,359
You try and regain some of the
manhood that she's robbed you of,
296
00:14:07,360 --> 00:14:09,159
and the next thing you know,
297
00:14:09,160 --> 00:14:11,840
you're in the bloody divorce courts
for screwing her best friend!
298
00:14:13,920 --> 00:14:15,559
Taking the kids you never wanted
299
00:14:15,560 --> 00:14:17,679
to the bloody planetarium
every bloody Sunday!
300
00:14:17,680 --> 00:14:19,080
Which is always blasted full!
301
00:14:21,440 --> 00:14:25,159
And generally feeling like a
washed-up, lifeless imitation
302
00:14:25,160 --> 00:14:27,999
of the man you used to be!
303
00:14:28,000 --> 00:14:31,759
And all because you once
told some pouting floozy
304
00:14:31,760 --> 00:14:33,240
you bloody loved her!
305
00:14:39,520 --> 00:14:41,960
Well, anyway, that's what I think.
306
00:14:44,320 --> 00:14:46,680
Well, it won't be like that.
I'm not you.
307
00:14:47,800 --> 00:14:50,239
In fact, it's you who's
been holding me back.
308
00:14:50,240 --> 00:14:52,640
Yes, I'm getting married.
And that's that.
309
00:14:53,640 --> 00:14:55,279
And...
310
00:14:55,280 --> 00:14:57,320
And you're not my friend any more.
311
00:15:02,800 --> 00:15:05,079
Women, hey, Henry?
312
00:15:05,080 --> 00:15:07,039
The trouble they cause.
313
00:15:07,040 --> 00:15:09,519
Driving wedges between people.
314
00:15:09,520 --> 00:15:11,399
I mean, between you and me,
315
00:15:11,400 --> 00:15:14,199
it's a bit much having one hovering
over the place, wouldn't you say?
316
00:15:14,200 --> 00:15:15,720
Oh, bugger off!
317
00:15:16,920 --> 00:15:18,800
You pointless bloody little...
318
00:15:20,480 --> 00:15:22,840
Well, you're just bloody pointless.
319
00:15:24,440 --> 00:15:26,159
They chuckle
320
00:15:26,160 --> 00:15:28,119
all right, Gus?
321
00:15:28,120 --> 00:15:29,520
I'm not here.
322
00:15:32,880 --> 00:15:34,319
Must get on.
323
00:15:34,320 --> 00:15:36,240
I've always been an
outsider here, George.
324
00:15:37,360 --> 00:15:38,839
She'll have noticed that.
325
00:15:38,840 --> 00:15:42,319
Gus, I really think you're
taking this Jenny situation
326
00:15:42,320 --> 00:15:44,119
far too seriously.
327
00:15:44,120 --> 00:15:45,880
You shouldn't get so tense.
328
00:15:47,600 --> 00:15:49,479
Shouldn't I?
329
00:15:49,480 --> 00:15:51,479
It would suit you, that, wouldn't it?
330
00:15:51,480 --> 00:15:52,879
Me dropping my guard.
331
00:15:52,880 --> 00:15:55,799
What? I know what's going on, dent!
332
00:15:55,800 --> 00:16:00,639
God! You, my friend George, the
one man I thought I could trust.
333
00:16:00,640 --> 00:16:04,600
Seducing your way into my job
with your... sexual wiles!
334
00:16:06,360 --> 00:16:09,800
You... lounge lizard!
335
00:16:16,120 --> 00:16:18,000
Sexual wiles...
336
00:16:22,800 --> 00:16:24,319
Look...
337
00:16:24,320 --> 00:16:28,959
You don't realise the pressure I'm
under to deliver exciting reports.
338
00:16:28,960 --> 00:16:33,199
If your brother was a victim of
that, then I am truly sorry.
339
00:16:33,200 --> 00:16:34,760
Really?
340
00:16:36,280 --> 00:16:38,039
How sorry? What?!
341
00:16:38,040 --> 00:16:39,439
Oh, god! Jesus!
342
00:16:39,440 --> 00:16:41,199
Look...
343
00:16:41,200 --> 00:16:44,039
Look, I'll give you money. I'll
give you anything you want!
344
00:16:44,040 --> 00:16:46,919
Oh, god, I'm sorry!
345
00:16:46,920 --> 00:16:49,840
Fanfare and drum roll
346
00:16:50,840 --> 00:16:53,159
you're also the first victim on...
347
00:16:53,160 --> 00:16:55,680
Celebrity surprise!
348
00:16:58,400 --> 00:16:59,599
What?!
349
00:16:59,600 --> 00:17:02,919
Yes, we've had hidden cameras
in here all the time.
350
00:17:02,920 --> 00:17:06,600
And you fell for it hook,
line and celebrity sinker.
351
00:17:07,680 --> 00:17:10,039
Incidentally, love the underwear!
352
00:17:10,040 --> 00:17:11,959
Oh, for god's sake!
353
00:17:11,960 --> 00:17:14,119
Come on, where's your sense of humour?
354
00:17:14,120 --> 00:17:16,199
Everybody'll think you're
a really good sport.
355
00:17:16,200 --> 00:17:17,799
Yeah, right.
356
00:17:17,800 --> 00:17:20,239
So, Damien day...
357
00:17:20,240 --> 00:17:24,039
You've been celebrity surprised!
358
00:17:24,040 --> 00:17:27,240
Oh, you... you!
359
00:17:29,160 --> 00:17:31,639
So, how do you feel?
360
00:17:31,640 --> 00:17:33,519
Well, erm...
361
00:17:33,520 --> 00:17:35,200
Like this! Urgh!
362
00:17:36,600 --> 00:17:40,000
Oh, come on, where's
your sense of humour?
363
00:17:40,960 --> 00:17:42,760
Pillock! Urgh!
364
00:17:46,240 --> 00:17:48,199
Oh, good morning, Gus.
365
00:17:48,200 --> 00:17:50,559
Are you, er, feeling any better today?
366
00:17:50,560 --> 00:17:53,719
Huh! Don't pretend you care, dent.
367
00:17:53,720 --> 00:17:56,439
If you must know, I'm resigning.
368
00:17:56,440 --> 00:17:59,679
Your little missy is sharpening
up a report to sir royston,
369
00:17:59,680 --> 00:18:02,559
ready to plunge it between
my shoulder blades.
370
00:18:02,560 --> 00:18:04,799
Still, sir royston's about to find out
371
00:18:04,800 --> 00:18:07,279
how it feels to have
your trust betrayed.
372
00:18:07,280 --> 00:18:09,519
Gus, what have you done?
373
00:18:09,520 --> 00:18:11,159
I've just dropped him a line,
374
00:18:11,160 --> 00:18:13,800
saying, "hasta la vista,
sir royston, baby."
375
00:18:15,160 --> 00:18:17,679
I also mentioned that I shall
be telling the inland revenue
376
00:18:17,680 --> 00:18:20,880
about some of his more
adventurous financial deals.
377
00:18:22,040 --> 00:18:24,879
I gave that man the best
years of my life, George.
378
00:18:24,880 --> 00:18:27,960
And what's he ever given me?
The bum's rash!
379
00:18:28,920 --> 00:18:32,199
Erm, I think the
expression is bum's rush.
380
00:18:32,200 --> 00:18:36,040
Oh, for god's sake, dent, spare
me your intellectual quibbling.
381
00:18:38,400 --> 00:18:40,479
Morning, Edith. Hello.
382
00:18:40,480 --> 00:18:43,120
Just popped by to give
Sally this bread pudding.
383
00:18:45,560 --> 00:18:47,639
Oh, Damien...
384
00:18:47,640 --> 00:18:50,159
How was your bse man yesterday?
385
00:18:50,160 --> 00:18:52,759
Er, it was a waste of time.
There's nothing in it.
386
00:18:52,760 --> 00:18:55,839
Oh, right. It must be good to
be back, though. A bit like...
387
00:18:55,840 --> 00:18:57,719
? It's coming home
388
00:18:57,720 --> 00:18:59,999
all: ? it's coming home
389
00:19:00,000 --> 00:19:02,799
? it's coming football's
coming home... ?
390
00:19:02,800 --> 00:19:04,199
You bastards!
391
00:19:04,200 --> 00:19:06,399
? It's coming home
it's coming home... ?
392
00:19:06,400 --> 00:19:09,240
May I ask why you're resigning?
393
00:19:10,280 --> 00:19:14,079
Look, Gus hedges doesn't
need to see a toilet duck
394
00:19:14,080 --> 00:19:16,919
to know he's being flushed
down the lavatory.
395
00:19:16,920 --> 00:19:19,560
Oh, Gus, I am going to miss you.
396
00:19:20,880 --> 00:19:23,199
Well, I've reported to sir royston...
397
00:19:23,200 --> 00:19:25,119
That this company runs
with little waste
398
00:19:25,120 --> 00:19:26,920
and no apparent scope for cost savings.
399
00:19:27,960 --> 00:19:30,879
What? I'm not sacking you.
400
00:19:30,880 --> 00:19:33,919
No swimming round u-bends required.
401
00:19:33,920 --> 00:19:35,759
Oh, god!
402
00:19:35,760 --> 00:19:38,279
Oh, good. Besides, if I did bin you,
403
00:19:38,280 --> 00:19:40,599
sir royston would want me to
stay here to sort things out.
404
00:19:40,600 --> 00:19:43,439
And I don't want to get stuck
in this corporate armpit.
405
00:19:43,440 --> 00:19:46,039
This is a crappy job
in a crappy outfit.
406
00:19:46,040 --> 00:19:48,120
And, Gus, you're just the man for it.
407
00:19:50,160 --> 00:19:53,519
Damien, a message from some
guy in the Russian army.
408
00:19:53,520 --> 00:19:55,839
That intercontinental ballistic missile
409
00:19:55,840 --> 00:19:58,199
you wanted smuggled
out for your report,
410
00:19:58,200 --> 00:19:59,759
the price has gone up.
411
00:19:59,760 --> 00:20:01,759
He wants pre-shrunk levis now.
412
00:20:01,760 --> 00:20:03,479
Oh, and, er, this came for you.
413
00:20:03,480 --> 00:20:04,919
Julie's dumping you.
414
00:20:04,920 --> 00:20:06,440
What?!
415
00:20:10,400 --> 00:20:14,039
"When we started out, I never
dreamt you'd get serious.
416
00:20:14,040 --> 00:20:16,239
"I've been trying to find a
way to tell you for ages,
417
00:20:16,240 --> 00:20:18,319
"but I kept bottling out.
418
00:20:18,320 --> 00:20:19,919
"I only got involved with you
419
00:20:19,920 --> 00:20:22,880
"because you seemed like a
bit of uncomplicated fun."
420
00:20:24,440 --> 00:20:26,799
Dave, I'm so sorry.
421
00:20:26,800 --> 00:20:28,080
Are you ok?
422
00:20:30,040 --> 00:20:31,679
Well, ok, everyone...
423
00:20:31,680 --> 00:20:32,959
How dare she?!
424
00:20:32,960 --> 00:20:35,159
I mean, how dare she
treat people like this?!
425
00:20:35,160 --> 00:20:36,440
It's...
426
00:20:37,480 --> 00:20:39,919
She leads a guy on till
she gets what she wants,
427
00:20:39,920 --> 00:20:41,759
and then she just Chucks him away
428
00:20:41,760 --> 00:20:43,919
with no thought of how
he might be feeling!
429
00:20:43,920 --> 00:20:46,239
Well, that's what you do...
shut it, Damien.
430
00:20:46,240 --> 00:20:49,880
I mean, for god's sake!
431
00:20:51,120 --> 00:20:52,719
Well, I don't care.
432
00:20:52,720 --> 00:20:54,439
Plenty more where she came from.
433
00:20:54,440 --> 00:20:56,279
That new receptionist, she's married.
434
00:20:56,280 --> 00:20:59,360
I'll see if she wants an
uncomplicated, commitment-free shag.
435
00:21:01,120 --> 00:21:03,040
Gather round, everyone.
436
00:21:04,800 --> 00:21:08,799
We all know how Gus often
says, "I'm not here."
437
00:21:08,800 --> 00:21:12,439
Well, now, he's really not going to be.
438
00:21:12,440 --> 00:21:15,519
I'm sure you'll all be shocked
and saddened to learn
439
00:21:15,520 --> 00:21:17,719
that Gus is leaving us.
440
00:21:17,720 --> 00:21:19,679
Well, goodbye.
441
00:21:19,680 --> 00:21:23,279
Now, Gus, obviously, we've not
had time for a whip-round.
442
00:21:23,280 --> 00:21:26,879
So a round of applause for Gus.
443
00:21:26,880 --> 00:21:28,599
Half-hearted clapping
444
00:21:28,600 --> 00:21:29,999
thank you.
445
00:21:30,000 --> 00:21:32,199
Thank you, George.
446
00:21:32,200 --> 00:21:36,679
However, the fickle hand of mr
fate has spun the coin of destiny.
447
00:21:36,680 --> 00:21:38,639
He's going down drivelling, then.
448
00:21:38,640 --> 00:21:41,600
And I shan't be leaving after all.
449
00:21:43,960 --> 00:21:45,400
Oh, good.
450
00:21:46,400 --> 00:21:49,799
And I'm looking forward to forging
a new, brighter partnership
451
00:21:49,800 --> 00:21:53,999
of two partners joining together
in a mutually beneficial,
452
00:21:54,000 --> 00:21:56,639
blissful and lasting union.
453
00:21:56,640 --> 00:21:58,919
He starts to sob
454
00:21:58,920 --> 00:22:01,119
what's the matter with him?
455
00:22:01,120 --> 00:22:03,319
He's just had a rather
upsetting letter.
456
00:22:03,320 --> 00:22:04,919
Oh, well.
457
00:22:04,920 --> 00:22:06,839
Oh, my god!
458
00:22:06,840 --> 00:22:08,759
My letter!
459
00:22:08,760 --> 00:22:10,239
Here you are, dear.
460
00:22:10,240 --> 00:22:11,919
Try this.
461
00:22:11,920 --> 00:22:14,879
Oh, and I've got a
message for you here.
462
00:22:14,880 --> 00:22:18,799
Unless the catalogue people
hear from you by five o'clock,
463
00:22:18,800 --> 00:22:21,159
they'll give the
contract to cilla black.
464
00:22:21,160 --> 00:22:23,279
Oh, dear, that was yesterday.
465
00:22:23,280 --> 00:22:24,839
What?!
466
00:22:24,840 --> 00:22:27,399
I must have forgotten. I'm sorry, dear.
467
00:22:27,400 --> 00:22:29,039
Well, that is it.
468
00:22:29,040 --> 00:22:30,400
Cilla black?!
469
00:22:31,360 --> 00:22:33,920
You stupid old bat!
470
00:22:35,040 --> 00:22:37,359
I only did your stupid appeal
471
00:22:37,360 --> 00:22:39,439
because my agent said
I needed a charity,
472
00:22:39,440 --> 00:22:42,439
and the donkey sanctuary
had already gone!
473
00:22:42,440 --> 00:22:46,320
God, I hate old people!
474
00:22:47,520 --> 00:22:49,159
I'm sorry, dear.
475
00:22:49,160 --> 00:22:51,000
I'll go away now.
476
00:22:53,800 --> 00:22:58,039
Edith, look... I am
so sorry about Sally.
477
00:22:58,040 --> 00:22:59,439
Bloody women!
478
00:22:59,440 --> 00:23:00,880
Bloody bitches!
479
00:23:03,120 --> 00:23:04,759
It's all right, dear.
480
00:23:04,760 --> 00:23:07,359
I've learnt a lot from
being around her.
481
00:23:07,360 --> 00:23:10,479
Recorder clicks god, I hate old people!
482
00:23:10,480 --> 00:23:13,360
"My hell with
granny-bashing newsreader."
483
00:23:14,520 --> 00:23:16,560
Should make a bomb from the tabloids.
484
00:23:17,760 --> 00:23:19,040
Bye-bye, dear.
485
00:23:20,120 --> 00:23:22,239
Where the hell is the post?!
486
00:23:22,240 --> 00:23:24,719
Well, it's gone, as per
your stupid orders.
487
00:23:24,720 --> 00:23:27,159
Oh, god!
488
00:23:27,160 --> 00:23:28,799
Where's he rushing off to?
489
00:23:28,800 --> 00:23:30,799
Oh, to the airport then on to Antigua.
490
00:23:30,800 --> 00:23:33,559
He's trying to get to sir
royston before his letter does.
491
00:23:33,560 --> 00:23:34,759
What letter?
492
00:23:34,760 --> 00:23:36,080
This one.
493
00:23:41,400 --> 00:23:43,639
Look, Jerry, it's too
cold to mess about.
494
00:23:43,640 --> 00:23:45,520
We're going in three, ready or not.
495
00:23:46,720 --> 00:23:51,399
So, Tony banks, mp, the European
court's ruling on the 48-hour week.
496
00:23:51,400 --> 00:23:54,679
As an independently-minded,
outspoken left-wing mp,
497
00:23:54,680 --> 00:23:56,999
what are you doing in the labour party?
498
00:23:57,000 --> 00:23:58,719
Well, to answer that
part of your question
499
00:23:58,720 --> 00:24:00,999
that wasn't entirely
stupid and offensive,
500
00:24:01,000 --> 00:24:02,879
the directive is there
to actually protect
501
00:24:02,880 --> 00:24:05,159
some of the most vulnerable
workers in our society.
502
00:24:05,160 --> 00:24:07,199
I suppose you're not in
favour of the directive
503
00:24:07,200 --> 00:24:09,479
because you'll have to go
into work a bit more often.
504
00:24:09,480 --> 00:24:13,159
Thank you Tony banks, mp. Still
no post in the shadow cabinet.
505
00:24:13,160 --> 00:24:16,319
Ann coates, the tories are in favour
of inhumane working conditions?
506
00:24:16,320 --> 00:24:17,799
Yes!
507
00:24:17,800 --> 00:24:19,039
No.
508
00:24:19,040 --> 00:24:22,839
We're fighting against the insidious
tentacles of the European octopus.
509
00:24:22,840 --> 00:24:26,519
We care desperately about
protecting British jobs.
510
00:24:26,520 --> 00:24:29,319
Well, that's a first for you lot.
Oi, schtum.
511
00:24:29,320 --> 00:24:33,439
What we're involved in now,
Damien, is a mission, a crusade.
512
00:24:33,440 --> 00:24:35,359
The battle for Britain.
513
00:24:35,360 --> 00:24:38,479
So, carpet-bombing of dresden
starting any day now.
514
00:24:38,480 --> 00:24:41,799
Tony banks, Ann coates,
mp, at least until may.
515
00:24:41,800 --> 00:24:43,399
Goodnight.
516
00:24:43,400 --> 00:24:45,559
I hear your little boy's
lost his football.
517
00:24:45,560 --> 00:24:47,639
Oh, yes, but we've found it now.
518
00:24:47,640 --> 00:24:49,559
So, it's...
519
00:24:49,560 --> 00:24:51,639
Together: ? football's coming home
520
00:24:51,640 --> 00:24:53,879
? it's coming home
521
00:24:53,880 --> 00:24:56,999
? football's coming home
it's coming home... ?
522
00:24:57,000 --> 00:25:00,080
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