All language subtitles for Drop The Dead Donkey s05e05 The Path Of True Love.eng

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phones ring mmm...

This is nice soup, George.
What's in it?

Mixed winter vegetables.

I've been growing them
on my new allotment.

You know, at the top of junction road.

Oh, I know it. The one
next to the, er...

The sewage works. Yes, that's right.

I love cooking.

I've always found it very therapeutic.

I made crepes suzette last night.

Always a spectacular
climax to any meal.

There's two secrets to
cooking crepes suzette -

don't overdo the Brandy, and
don't stand near the curtains.

Now, listen up, everyone.

I know that we all tease
Sally about her thinking

that the tamil tigers
were an ice hockey team,

but I want us all to watch this tape

because it just shows what a
superb technician she is.

Oh, please.

There was a huge anti-government
demonstration this afternoon

in rangoon, the capital of Burma.

In Burma, today...

Burma... all over Burma...

In the golden triangle, which spreads

across the southeast Asian countries
of Laos, Thailand and Burma.

What? Well, it's actually very simple.

It's impossible to say the word "Burma"

without widening your
mouth, that's all.

"Burma." "Germany."

You see? Nothing I can do about it.

I see! So there's no connection

with your all-expenses-paid summer
holiday in rangoon, "Burma"?

Well, it's true, I didn't pay
for the hotel in person...

Just accept it, woman.
You've been rumbled.

You've been using your
privileged position

as a vehicle for personal gain.

Ah, now, talking about
vehicles for personal gain,

couldn't help noticing, Damien, that
a certain brand of well-known jeep

seems to be something of a motif
in your most recent work.

Uh-huh, yeah. I know the
reports you're referring to.

And, well, we were under
pressure, in a rush,

and we did inadvertently
catch the jeep in shot

a couple of times in
a couple of reports.

17? What?

17 reports. I can show you
the tape if you like.

Oh, all right.

The manufacturers lent
it to us for free.

But I was just trying to
save the company money,

and you'll be pleased to know

that I have negotiated the use of
that jeep for an unspecified period.

Though, obviously, if I felt

there were any question of conflict
of interests, I'd return it.

There's no need for that, Damien.
Right.

I've already done it. What?

I got them to take it
away half an hour ago.

Oh, for... you interfering, bossy cow.

You have both exposed this
company to the risk of a fine

from the regulators.

So you are forthwith put on
notice, as per your contracts,

that if either of you engage
in outside promotions,

and that includes, Sally,
voice-overs, adverts,

or anything including the
phrase "TV's Sally smedley",

then we reserve the right to fine you,

or even turn you into "the
job centre's Sally smedley".

Is that quite clear?

David, could you pop into my...?

But, Helen, you don't
understand, I need that jeep.

Oh!

Mockingly: Does the little boy
want his big vroom vroom back?

Never mind. Oh!

Big mistake, Cooper.

Drink? Er, no, it's a bit early for me.

I knew that's what you'd say.

And do you know why? Because
it's a bit early for me, too.

And you and I, Dave, we're
similar in so many ways.

Are we? Oh, yes.

For example, tomorrow, I'm
going out for dinner with...

With this woman you've been
communicating with on the Internet?

Precisely! You see, two
minds, one wavelength.

Anyway, that's all I mean.

We've both stepped out
with ladies so many times,

it occurred to me... chuckles

it occurred to me, compadre, that
it would be a bit of a laugh

to compare notes, you know, on
what different strategies we use.

How we break the ice, as it were.

In fact, I was thinking,

we could both write down our best lines

on cue cards, for example,

and then show them to one
another for a bit of a giggle.

If you can do yours by tomorrow
lunchtime, please, Dave,

on small cards, about a dozen or so.
Excellent. That's all.

Erm...

Might be a bit difficult,
I've got a lot on.

George has asked me to find some
footage of yeltsin looking sober.

It's gonna take hours.
I'll get Helen to do it.

And I'm working nights at a pub
at the moment to pay off a loan.

It's only 50 quid, but I'm so strapped.
Here. Here.

Do the cue cards, huh? Please.

You know, there's more stuff
on prison overcrowding.

Looks like they're gonna use

this ex-us air force base
in Suffolk as an overflow.

That base is ex-nuclear. Yeah.

Obviously, a way of bringing in
electronic tagging by the back door.

Stick someone in there for six months,

and you can track them
with a geiger counter!

Special delivery for Helen Cooper.
That's me.

Right.

Yes. Well, if you'd like
to step this way...

Mmm.

George gasps

sorry!

Hello, George. This is my...
friend, Amanda.

Hello. Hello.

Well, I can't stop, I'm...
due out there now.

Oh, god! What's the matter?

George saw us! So?

This is where I work!

Oh, I see. You're ashamed?

I am not. So, what's the problem, then?

Oh, nothing.

We've been seeing each other
for three months now,

and I haven't met any of your friends.

Well, that's because
they all work in TV.

They're so busy, they don't get
a moment to themselves (!)

Anyway... it's been
lovely to see you, but...

I'm dismissed, then, am I? No, it's...

So why can't I meet your friends?
Are you ashamed of me?

Well, of course not.

You ashamed of them, then? No.

So why don't we have some
of them round for dinner?

Well, we will. When?

Soon. How soon?

Well, just as soon as...
..Workload eases up.

All right, then, tomorrow.

Bloody tomorrow. There, you satisfied?

Dave, look, quick. A woman in leathers!

Brr...

No cow ever died for a nobler cause.

Is this right?

Major's going for an
election on may 1st?

Very appropriate.

It's the socialist day of celebration.

Do you reckon Blair's gonna lose, then?

Oh, she's coming out of the building.

Ooh, she's straddling her bike. Dave?

I want to ask you a favour.

Will you come to dinner tomorrow night?

Because I want you to meet
my new friend, Amanda.

And I'm gonna ask you
and joy and Henry,

cos you're the only ones I can trust

not to be juvenile and
embarrassing about it.

Oh-ho! Hubba-hubba!

And I'm not gonna ask anyone

who's gonna be anxious
and inhibited like...

George!

Are you doing anything tomorrow night?

I was wondering if you'd
like to come to dinner.

In midweek?

Oh, what the hell! You only live once.

Damien, the jeep firm
just rang to complain.

They say they found a
dent in the bonnet

and a bloodstained squeegee
stuck in the bullbars.

Oh, yeah. I loved those bullbars.
I loved that jeep.

It was the vehicle of a
frontline news warrior.

It made a statement about me. Really?

Was the statement, "I am a macho loser

"with a pathological need
to sit four feet higher

"than any other road user?"

Second mistake, Cooper.

Where the hell is this smedley woman?

We lose this studio
booking in 15 minutes.

This thing's got to be ready
for broadcast tomorrow.

I know. We should've paid the
extra and got Carol vorderman.

I've heard this smedley's
a right bloody...

Chuckles Sally!

Oh, thrilled to meet you.
Thanks so much for doing this.

I'm Gavin. This is Simon.

We're the creatives behind the concept.

Now, it's dead easy.
Just a mock broadcast.

We are chasing the clock a bit, so
perhaps we could just crash into it.

Very well. Ace.

When you get the green.

Scottish accent: Here is
the news from bunnyland.

From tomorrow, Bonnie,
the bap happy bunny,

is giving away free frisbees
at all bunnywood burger bars.

So, make sure... er, Sally?

Er, the, erm... Voice.

You don't like my characterisation?

Oh, no. It's very, erm... Original.

Original reading, yes.

It's just that we heard it more...
Normal.

Oh.

I just felt that's what a bunnywood
newsreader would sound like.

Yeah, it's just that we
wanted that calm authority

that's normally associated with
your voice as a newsreader.

Yes. I mean, basically, we want
everyone to know it's you.

I see.

Well, firstly, I resent being
typecast as a newsreader.

And secondly, surely it
gives the piece more depth

if I play it as a Scottish rabbit?

Well, possibly. It's just
that in our judgement...

I'm sorry,

but I refuse to be lectured
to on judgement by a bald man

who chooses to wear a ponytail!

Ok. Well, let's just take it
from the top again, shall we?

So...

So.

Here we are. Yes.

In person.

Yes.

Did you have a good flight?

Yes. Thank you.

I think the food here is a bit
better than airline food.

Yes. So do I.

They chuckle

so, what's it like living
in "insert name of town"?

Frankfurt!

Hi. Hello.

I hope I'm not too early.
No, not at all. Come in.

Hello. I'm George.

Yeah. We met yesterday in your office.

Oh, yes. When you were... in my office.

Would you like a drink?
Helen won't be a second.

I did the shopping, but
I forgot the olives.

Easily done.

A dry white ok? Lovely.

Helen's told me a lot about you.
Has she? All right.

Yes, I hear you're 31 and
you grew up in maidstone.

Your father's a dentist and
your mother's a nurse,

and you're taking temporary jobs

to finance your postgrad
studies in anthropology.

Yeah, that's right.

That's why I'm doing the
dispatch riding. Yes.

Must be hard work,

spending all day on a
great big motor-dyke.

I'm back.

Hi, George. Hi. Hello.

I hear you're out of olives.
Not any more.

How can you have a dinner
party without stuffed olives?

Yes, that's what Helen said.

Is anybody else coming? Yes.

Er, joy, Dave and Henry.

Door bell rings ah-ha!

Damien?

Hello, Helen. I'm sorry to
call round unannounced.

I just wanted to apologise for
my outburst about the jeep.

Of course, you were right, so I
brought this by way of apology.

Damien, that's very kind. Erm,
look, I'd ask you in, but...

Hello, George!

Fancy seeing you here. Oh, hello.
You must be Amanda.

Yeah. Oh, nice to meet you.

I'm Damien day. I work with Helen.

Yeah, I've seen you on TV. Right.

Well, I'll be off.

So, is that your Norton in
the driveway, then? Yeah.

Oh, great bike, the 750.

Anyway, have a lovely evening.

Well, why don't you stay for dinner?

Oh, I don't want to be any trouble.

And besides, I think I've
got a few leftovers,

which will go off if I
don't eat them today.

Ok, then. Goodbye. Don't be silly!
There's tons.

I don't want to be the
cause of contention.

No, you're not.

Good. That's settled, then.
I'll get you a drink.

Oh, joy!

Oh, Amanda, this is joy
and Henry and Dave.

Hi. Hey. Lovely to meet you, my dear.

No wonder Helen's kept you hidden away.

I wish I'd come in a dress!

For god's sake, Henry! It's
nice to meet you, Henry.

You cheeky old sod.

Well, this is nice.

Isn't it just? Here's
to a memorable evening.

I think the food here is a bit
better than airline food.

Whispers: God.

Funny, we didn't find it so
hard to talk on the Internet.

No. I know...

Brilliant.

I actually identify with lesbians.

The way I see it is a lesbian is
a man trapped in a woman's body,

and that's what I aspire to!

You'll have to excuse Henry, Amanda.
He's a pig trapped in an ape's body.

We're out of pepper. Oh, I'll get some.

No, it's all right. I know where it is.

Of course! Now, that
seems a long time ago.

Amanda: What does?

Since Helen and Dave were an item.

An item?

Oh, I'm sorry. Well, I
just assumed that...

Didn't Helen mention it?
No. No, she didn't.

Well, why should I have mentioned it?

And besides, Damien, Dave and I
were never an item, as you put it.

It was just a very, very
short-lived sexual relationship.

Just an insignificant,
meaningless mistake.

Yeah. That's right.

It was just an insignificant,
meaningless mistake.

I'll get the pepper.

Oh, I feel dreadful.

I didn't mean to upset anyone.

No-one's upset. Who
said anyone was upset?

Yes, how could anyone be upset
when Helen has decreed otherwise?

Ok, just don't start, all right?

George, will you pass
the potatoes, please?

I think it's a healthy sign

when a couple can argue
in front of strangers.

Yes, well, it's been a
lovely evening, Jane,

but I have to get an early start, so...

I'd love to see your flat.

Why don't we go there
now for a nightcap?

I'm not going back to
the flat, actually.

I'm going back to the office. I've
got some work to catch up on.

You know what it's like. Oh, all right.

Where shall we go tomorrow lunchtime?

Well, I don't think I'm free.
Oh, yes, you are.

I downloaded your diary
while you were in the loo.

You downloaded my diary? Oh, yes.

There must be no secrets between us.

Well, I'm fairly certain there's
something in my desk diary

that I didn't put in. All right.

I'll call you later
when you've checked it.

Right. Must dash to the office.

I'll drive you. No, there's no need.

I'm going to jog. Good for me.
Yes, I'll jog.

Along the psychopath... cycle path!

You bet. Terrific. Bye!

Helen, this looks fantastic.

I made the pudding, actually.

I must say, it does look yummy.

Something wrong? No.

All: No. Personally, I like sour cream.

The cream's off. I told you
to check the sell-by date.

I did check it!

Well, obviously not very thoroughly.
Not to worry.

Why don't I rustle up my piece
de resistance, crepes suzette?

No, no. I insist. Monsieur
George est dans la cuisine.

So, Amanda, I understand
you're an anthropologist.

Yes, that's right.

And you grew up in maidstone?

Is that where your dad was a dentist?

Yeah, that's right. You all
seem to know a lot about me.

Well, it was a very detailed memo!

Sorry?

Well, Helen did this memo all about you

with all the bullet points underlined.

She thinks of everything, doesn't she?

Oh, I see.

I'm a secret for three months,
and now I'm a bloody memo!

Don't overreact.

I'll react how I want to,
you sodding control freak.

Control freak? George: Nearly ready!

Yeah, well, at least I am not
a bloody dispatch rider.

Oh, now it comes out! Just
about to flambe them.

I'm a bit of rough trade
for the control freak!

Now, let's not spoil the evening.
Oh, shut your face!

How could this evening
possibly get any worse?

They scream

oh, my god. Phone rings

Jane: 'Hi, Gus. Just calling
to see if you got my fax.

'Well, you've my hotel number.
Talk to you soon.'

beep, mobile rings

pager beeps

"is your mobile not working? Jane."

Phone rings

'Gus, hi, it's Jane.

'I was thinking, why don't I pop round

'and give you a hand with
work?' Leave me alone!

'You'd like that, wouldn't you?
I'm on my way.'

hello, security?

Now, listen, if a woman
calls asking to see me...

What do you mean, you've
just sent her up? God!

Thank you for a lovely
evening last night, Helen.

It was lovely food, and I
think Amanda is very nice.

And I'm sorry I burnt
down your kitchen.

Here you go, Helen. Thank you.

And, joy, thank you for
what you did last night.

It was very kind.

It was assault.

No.

It was the smoke and the confusion,

and I just got physically
disorientated.

And punched me in the
face five times? No!

One of them was me, and
you bloody deserved it.

How's things with you and Amanda?
We split up.

You know, I really thought we
were gonna make a go of it.

Now, now, Helen, don't get down.

It would never have worked
out between the two of you.

Perhaps you're right.
Of course I'm right.

All homosexual
relationships are doomed!

There's no biological
imperative, you see,

so they're abhorrent to nature.

Well, I defer to your expert knowledge

on what's abhorrent to nature.

Thank you.

Joy? Call the engineers.

I want all my phone and
fax numbers changed.

So, were the cue cards useful? No.

Because you didn't do
me one which read,

"leave me alone, you
insane rabbit boiler!"

The woman kept hounding me. I had
to call the police in the end.

It's this ad again! Just
listen to this cobblers.

Welsh accent: 'From tomorrow,
Bonnie, the bap happy bunny,

'is giving away free frisbees
at all bunnywood burger bars.

'So make sure you hop along.'

what the hell sort of accent
was that supposed to be?

Well, it sounded like rather
good welsh to me. What?!

Welsh crossed with Swedish
and a bit of Pakistani.

Ah, just imagine being so talentless,

desperate and greedy that
you'd agree to do that!

Mm, I know. And the humiliation
of hearing it go out.

For the whole world to hear!

It's like proclaiming
from the rooftops,

"I am a shameless moron!"

Who are you calling a moron?!
I got �3,000 for...

Well, Sally...

Abhorrent as it is to my nature,

I feel I must submit to an
overwhelming biological imperative

to fine your heterosexual tits off.

Gus, I'm back. Who is that?

Hello, Gus. Just brought your messages.

Ah. Two from Helen.

Terrific. And 34 from Jane.

And George wants you to
check the running order.

Caning in schools... excellent.

You know, I was repeatedly
caned by the headmaster.

Well, and by the other boys. Well,
by the school dinner ladies.

And did it do me any harm?

What I don't understand is
how school can be closed

by a ten-year-old delinquent.

Oh, it's possible. Scoffs: Yes.

It's possible, Gus.

Phone rings

'Gus, Jane here. I finally
got your new number.'

beep

so, any news on that bill on stalkers?

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