Original subtitles

Yes, mr mandelson.

Of course, mr mandelson.

Yes, that's right. We're planning to interview major this week.

Well, of course we'll be interviewing mr Blair.

We can't very well interview them both at the same time, can we?

Hard enough to tell them apart as it is.

Oh, nothing, mr mandelson, just consulting with a colleague.

Oh, Henry, the moral maze have been on.

They want to know if you'll go on and talk about

the problems of infertility.

Yes, Henry, you could take your jump leads in to show them.

Dave, have you met our new temp, Carol?

Hi. Hi.

She got the job through joy. They're old mates.

Oh, really?

Yeah, that's right.

We've known each other since we were in the brownies.

Joy was in the brownies? Yeah.

Well, till she got thrown out for running a protection racket.

You know, Dave, I was thinking,

joy's been here, what, five years now?

And we hardly know a thing about her, do we?

Oh, well, um... well, she's a very private person.

You can understand why, really,

what with her background and everything.

What do you mean, exactly, her background?

Oh, if she hasn't told you herself, then maybe, you know, I shouldn't...

No, you're quite right, Carol,

it would be wrong to betray a confidence.

Still, I'm glad to know she was happy in the brownies.

Eh?

Well, you know, the joy we know is so timid and withdrawn,

it's hard to imagine her having had any kind of social life or fun.

What?!

Well, that's certainly the impression one gets of her.

Boring, really, and, um...

Dull. Mm. Dull.

Dull? There's nothing dull about joy.

Both: Oh?

Whispers: For instance, one year, right,

we went to Greece together on holiday...

Well, I've completed my deliberations

and I've decided who I shall be bestowing my vote on

in the next general election - the referendum party.

Oh, you identify with their stance on Europe, do you?

Not particularly. I just feel so many rich people can't be wrong!

Ok, mr mandelson, whenever mr Blair is free, of course.

No, I'm sorry,

I don't think we could give you a list of the questions in advance.

No, but you could probably give us the answers in advance!

What, mr mandelson?

Yes, that was Henry.

I understand that this new temp is an acquaintance of yours, joy.

She's my friend, actually. Friend?

Don't waste any time on it, Sally,

it's an impossible concept for you to grasp.

Well, Carol seems to be settling in nicely.

Yeah. Yeah, she does.

Oh! 18 minutes! What are you doing?

Logging all the calls,

so the spin doctors can't accuse us of giving them unequal phone time.

See, here's this month's running total.

New labour - eight hours, 14 minutes,

conservatives - six hours, 49 minutes,

John redwood - 37 hours, 12 and a half minutes,

sir James goldsmith - 42 hours, 15.

Oh, yes.

Does he always reverse the charges?

Well, he didn't become a millionaire by accident.

Now, then, let's get on.

Henry? Mmm? Are you ok?

Well, no. No, no, I'm not, actually.

Do you want to talk about it?

I, er...

I don't know if I can.

Gus, could I just run this by you?

The national grid have written this letter to all broadcasters,

asking for advance warning of any interviews with David mellor.

Apparently, millions of people

simultaneously get up and put the kettle on.

The surge in demand could trigger power failures. So...

George, George, George...

You've had relationships. Emotional relationships, I mean.

Yes.

Well, I need the benefit of your experience...

Oh, right!

..Of disastrous failure.

I mean, you must have gleaned a lot of insight

from your wealth of catastrophic personal encounters.

Thanks (!)

You see, the thing is,

for some time now, I've been communicating on the Internet

with um...

A female person...

..In a high-achieving executive singles' forum.

She works in Germany. Oh?

She's a systems analyst.

We're both huge fans of Jeremy clarkson. But now...

Now she wants to devirtualise our relationship.

She's coming to see me, George.

She wants me to take her to dinner.

Well?

George! I feel I'm straying outside my core activity.

Social dinner with a person of the opposite...

Way of buttoning up their jackets.

I mean, what do I do?

Oh, Gus, you'll be fine.

All you have to do is relax, make some small talk, be yourself!

Perhaps you could do with a bit of practice.

Practice? Yes.

Ask someone out to dinner, and then practise chatting.

Right. Well, who would you recommend from the office?

Given I've gotta downsize the selection base

from my incredibly huge number of close female acquaintances.

Well, there's, um, Helen.

Perhaps not an appropriate choice.

What with her being a person who prefers people

who button up their jackets on the same side as she does.

I see what you mean. Well, there's always joy.

Sorry! Sorry! Erm... or Sally!

Sally?

Yeah, I think Sally would be rather a good idea.

You're similar in many ways. You're both...

..Very similar in many ways.

Practise chatting with Sally.

Yes! Excellent!

You have a nice relaxing evening with Sally,

and then you'll all be ready

for when you meet this pen pal of yours in the flesh.

In the flesh?

Figure of speech. Oh. Ha! Oh, yes.

And it's an experience that forces one to confront

that inner bleakness.

To acknowledge the emptiness

that lurks at the heart of existence.

It's unbearable!

And I know I couldn't put myself through that again.

Ok, then.

Damien, you can interview John Major!

No problem. Interviewing him doesn't scare me.

Oh, it's not the interview, dear boy. It's before.

What do you mean, before? You'll see.

What does he mean, before?

Dave, Helen, Damien - large espressos.

Oh, lovely!

Sally, cappuccino.

And George, a decaff

with double-boiled, organically-reared goats' milk.

Oh, thank you, Carol.

Well, I must say, we're not used to this kind of treatment from the pas,

are we, joy? No.

Did you get one yourself?

Well, no, I'm a Buddhist, so I avoid stimulants.

Right. I went to a Buddhist temple once.

Very relaxing,

till I got my ear caught in one of those prayer wheels.

Right.

Ok, then, let's get on.

Now, that vox pop that we did.

Almost everyone that we stopped and asked,

"has the feel-good factor returned?" Told us to piss off.

So, we need to find another angle.

Maybe some more tangible indication about how the economy's performing.

Well, I go by the number of people begging in doorways.

There seem to be more and more of them.

I've worked out this special route into work avoiding as many as I can.

Only trouble is, it adds an hour and ten minutes to my journey.

Ok, let's do the economy via homelessness.

Send a crew down to the strand to film some kids in doorways,

stuff a quote shelter, some statistics,

we'll give it 40 seconds maximum.

Yeah, but it is important, isn't it? Sorry?

Well, it's a disgrace, isn't it?

I mean, the government don't give a monkey's.

And now they've brought in this job seeker's allowance,

it's gonna make things even more difficult for teenagers.

The pavements will be knee-deep with them soon.

I mean, well, it's wrong, isn't it?

Well, yes, it is wrong.

But it's only wrong enough to be worth 40 seconds.

Sorry, it's just something I feel very strongly about. Sorry.

Everyone talks like that when they first arrive here

from the outside world.

But you'll soon be joining the ranks of the undead.

Gus hums a military tune talking of which...

Clears throat Sally?

Yes, Gus?

Sally.

Gus.

Sally...

Nothing.

Gus starts humming again

Gus making as much sense as usual, but with far fewer words.

Thank you, flopsy.

What did you say?

When?

Just then. What did you say?

Well, nothing. I just said, "thank you"...

..Flopsy.

Oh, I forgot! Flopsy was your nickname until you were nine.

And then everyone had to stop calling you flopsy

or you'd make them eat worms.

Oh, no, please don't make me eat worms, flopsy (!)

You're pathetic!

Did you see that?!

She was speechless! I got her!

Yes!

You actually derive pleasure

from upsetting people for no reason, don't you?

Do you want something?

No.

Well, why are you buttering me up, then?

Well, that's very interesting.

I've just received some e-mail from Gus, inviting me to dinner.

Why would he do that?

Why would anyone?

For a bet?

To prove themselves of unsound mind, to avoid some criminal prosecution?

Helen: Maybe he fancies you. Don't be silly.

Don't be disgusting.

Thanks, flopsy.

Keep an eye out for mr McGregor.

And I'll keep an eye out for the worms.

Did you mean that, Helen? About me and Gus?

Why not?

In fact, I can't think of two people who deserve each other more.

Oh, thank you, Helen.

Listen, babe,

I just wanna say thanks for getting me this job.

It's no problem.

Oh, I really like it here. Everybody is so nice and friendly.

Damien and Dave were chatting to me for ages this morning.

I know.

Dave just asked me if I still had my brownie uniform,

and would I wear it into work?

She laughs he's funny, isn't he?

Has he got some sort of medical condition, though?

Only I bumped into him in the corridor just now

and he was all doubled up in pain.

Like I said, he just asked me if I still had my brownie uniform.

You don't mean you...?

Yeah, it's the only language they understand.

Yeah, but I only meant...

Carol, anything you tell them about me diminishes my power.

Which brings me to my next point - fetching coffees.

Yeah? Yeah, well, don't. They'll come to expect it.

Well, I don't mind.

Performing menial tasks can be the path to enlightenment, you know?

Oh, yeah? Well, I've been working here five years now,

so how come I'm not Buddha yet? But, joy...

Listen, Carol. You're my best friend.

So it's hard for me to threaten you like this,

but this is my territory, so you live by my rules. Ok?

I'm sorry. I didn't mean any... oh.

Oh, I didn't mean to upset you.

Of course not. I know that.

Which is why you're getting off with just a verbal warning, ok?

Morning, Carol. Morning, joy. Do you want some?

You know, Helen, I've been thinking about what you said

about Gus being attracted to me.

Well, it's funny how one can fail to spot the obvious.

I mean, I've always thought of Gus as socially awkward and gauche,

but now I realise it must be just when he's around me!

He's just a moth around my flame.

Or a fly around your fa... yeah!

Thank you, Henry (!)

Now, has anyone seen that press release on national drinking habits?

I've got it here, it's very sloppy.

There's a misprint in the statistics.

Look, they've got 15 pints a day down as alcohol abuse!

Well, 15 pints isn't alcohol abuse. It's a light lunch!

Henry...

People should be allowed to drink what they like,

as long as no-one gets hurt.

Would that include the landlord at the green man?

That was different. I was provoked.

How? He refused to serve me!

Said I was turning violent.

Well, people do get hurt. Families break up.

Yeah, that's right.

Only families when the father is some under-educated inadequate

with a one-way ticket to palookaville!

But that is just not true! For instance, joy's dad was an Al...

Sorry, joy. I'm sorry. Sorry.

It's all right. No harm done.

Ahoy there, shipmates!

Are we steering a happy course together towards headline island,

ready to drop anchor in you heard it here first bay?

Absolutely, Gus!

I'm very much looking forward to this evening, too.

Yes, terrific.

That's a look of fierce determination, joy!

Well done. Splendid.

And I trust we're fully stoked up

for the main event of our autumn season?

Our interview with Johnny major tomorrow.

Phone rings

Gus hedges.

Oh, hello, mr mandelson.

Incidentally, can I just say

how much I'm looking forward to our interview with mr Blair next week?

As far as I'm concerned, that's the main event of our autumn season.

Henry: You're a two-faced tosser, hedges!

Yes, as a matter of fact, that was Henry.

You know, Gus,

you and I, we're both so similar in so many ways, don't you think?

Both talented, high-powered professionals...

Indeed. Both performing high priority,

but differently-skilled functions,

within the globelink corporational matrix.

There you go again, with that silver tongue of yours!

He chuckles

tell me, Gus, do you ever feel lonely?

Lonely? Me?! Absolutely not!

No. Good heavens! Ha-ha!

Loneliness is the least of my worries.

Or would be if I had time to have any.

In between achieving, goal-reaching and succeeding and so on.

Shall we get the bill?

Gus, relax.

I know why you invited me out for dinner tonight.

You do?

Oh, yes. I know what all this is about.

And, um... you don't mind?

Why should I mind?

I think it's wonderful when two like-minded people

find they understand each other,

and make the first, hesitant steps towards a meaningful relationship.

It was George who told you. Right?

I mean, he's the only who one I told.

Come, come, Gus, you wouldn't expect a journalist to reveal her sources.

Well, I must say, Sally, you've been very sporting about all this.

And it's certainly helping.

Do you know, I...

I'm quite looking forward to the old dinner do next Wednesday.

Next Wednesday?

Oh, could be quite enjoyable.

Especially now you've let me have this dry run.

You sauce pot!

I was thinking of booking this restaurant again, actually.

What do you think?

Great idea!

To next Wednesday!

Next Wednesday.

John Major: 'And because, when I was fighting my way out

'of two rooms in Brixton,

'life was a struggle to a not inconsiderable degree. Oh, yes.

'I remember my brother Terry and I...'

how long has he been in there? About 12 minutes.

Damien, is your earpiece working now?

Not so cocky now, are we?

Damien, we're gonna be a little while yet.

We can't seem to get camera three working.

This is nothing. Wait till he gets onto Chelsea.

Ok, refreshments!

All: Oh!

I must say, I'm very impressed with your friend, Carol.

She's so enthusiastic, isn't she?

That's one word for it.

Always fetching coffees and sandwiches.

Nothing seems to be too much trouble.

Wonderful sense of humour.

She's got some very funny anecdotes.

Like the one where you and she sang the birdie song

at that karaoke evening in tenerife.

He chuckles

perhaps you could do a little turn together at the Christmas party?

Well, she won't be here at Christmas, will she?

She's only temping.

Well, between you and me,

we're thinking of offering her a permanent position.

That'll be nice for you, won't it?

Who says friendship and work can't mix?

Is there something wrong with that monitor

or has Damien gone very white?

I'll go and find Gus. See if he can take some of the load.

Look, joy, I'm sorry I blurted out about your dad.

Forget it.

Why's Damien twitching?

He's waiting to interview major.

Not that it'll be worth waiting for.

It'll just be the usual guff about the feel-good factor

and the euro currency,

when he should be asking him about something that really matters,

like those poor sods with no roofs over their heads.

Yeah, you're right.

But he'll just be given an easy ride.

No-one here's gonna say anything

cos they're all too scared of losing their jobs.

You know, I really envy you, temping.

I mean, at least you can hang on to your self-respect.

Joy sighs

oh, hello, Sally. I was just looking for Gus.

I'm just giving our chief executive's power centre

the gentle touch. Oh, that's nice.

Yes, our relationship has started out on a new footing, as it were.

Right.

No doubt we'll be entertaining John in here later.

He and Gus are very good friends, you know.

In fact, I wouldn't be surprised

if the pm were on the top table at our wedding.

Your wedding?!

Oh, yes.

We had a wonderful dinner at deux last night, George.

And it all became very clear to me

that Gus and I are meant for each other.

Two lone... single, unattached high achievers

finally finding solace together.

Isn't it nice to know there are some happy endings?

Er, Sally, er... I don't know how to tell you this, but, erm...

But what, George? But...

Those flowers are nice.

John Major: 'Of course, the stalwart of the 1970 Chelsea cup-winning side

'was its custodian, Peter bonetti,

'who, as I recall...'

Gus, could I have a quick word?

Not now, George, we're set to roll on this interview. And about time.

Poor chap's been stuck in there with Damien for 20 minutes.

All right, we're ready to go. Liven up, everyone.

Stand by. Ten seconds.

Oh, yes, this is going to be...

Who's that standing in front of the camera?

Clear the frame. Who is it?

Carol: 'Ok, major, you complacent bastard.

'I want a word with you about the homeless!'

well, well, well, well, well.

Who'd have thought that Carol

would have gone off the deep end like that?

Where is she now?

Gus is escorting her off the premises.

And just when we were going to offer her a permanent position, as well.

Yeah, what a shame.

Anyway, she'll be happier not working here.

She'll be happier?

That's what I said. That was absolutely outrageous!

Outrageous! Disgraceful!

The prime minister, abused, insulted,

asked a direct question, in my television studio!

Yes, it's not just an insult to the prime minister and globelink,

it's a personal slight, as well.

Gus and John are very close.

Gus, we must have them round to dinner to make it up to them.

Just the four of us. Oh, shut up, woman!

I can do without all this simpering attention!

Gus, that's no way to talk to your "significant other".

What?!

Well, at our dinner... our dinner?

Oh, you stupid...

I was just using you for practise,

for this proper date I've got next week.

And I only chose you cos joy's terrifying and Helen's a lesbian!

I see. Excuse me.

Right, Helen. I want you to draft a letter of apology to number ten.

The first apology you should make is to Sally.

What?!

I'll never forgive you for this, Gus hedges!

You've just made me feel sympathy for Sally smedley!

Gus, women aren't objects for you to just pick up

and then Chuck aside, like unwanted toys!

They deserve more than that.

Just because you've got no feelings,

it's no excuse for trampling on other people's.

That was a fine speech, Dave.

Yes, someone said it to me once.

Just after they'd had their stomach pumped

when I inadvertently forgot to marry them.

Hello? Look, never mind about Carol or Sally.

I've just been stuck in there for 25 minutes,

listening to mr temazepam!

I told you, one of the cameras went down.

Well, what was wrong with it?

There was a part missing, apparently.

Yes, I think it was this one.

You wait, merryweather!

And what's this?

I ordered pate. Is this pate? Is that pate?

No. It's a special filling.

Special filling? Uh-huh.

For people who call me flopsy.

Finely-crushed earthworms with just a little pinch of dill.

Absolutely, mr mawhinney.

Quite right, mr mandelson.

It does look as if they've got the most specific policies for Britain.

Which party's that?

Catholic church.

Absolutely, mr mandelson.

Quite right, mr mawhinney.

I mean, it does seem as if the catholic church are backing labour.

Odd, really, when you think about how much

they like dressing up in frocks and fathering illegitimate children,

you'd think they'd have more in common with the tories.

What, mr mawhinney?

Why don't the two of you sort it out between yourselves?

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