All language subtitles for Drop The Dead Donkey s05e04 What Are Friends For.eng

Yes, mr mandelson.

Of course, mr mandelson.

Yes, that's right. We're planning
to interview major this week.

Well, of course we'll be
interviewing mr Blair.

We can't very well interview them
both at the same time, can we?

Hard enough to tell
them apart as it is.

Oh, nothing, mr mandelson, just
consulting with a colleague.

Oh, Henry, the moral maze have been on.

They want to know if you'll
go on and talk about

the problems of infertility.

Yes, Henry, you could take your
jump leads in to show them.

Dave, have you met our new temp, Carol?

Hi. Hi.

She got the job through joy.
They're old mates.

Oh, really?

Yeah, that's right.

We've known each other since
we were in the brownies.

Joy was in the brownies? Yeah.

Well, till she got thrown out for
running a protection racket.

You know, Dave, I was thinking,

joy's been here, what, five years now?

And we hardly know a
thing about her, do we?

Oh, well, um... well, she's
a very private person.

You can understand why, really,

what with her background
and everything.

What do you mean,
exactly, her background?

Oh, if she hasn't told you herself,
then maybe, you know, I shouldn't...

No, you're quite right, Carol,

it would be wrong to
betray a confidence.

Still, I'm glad to know she
was happy in the brownies.

Eh?

Well, you know, the joy we know
is so timid and withdrawn,

it's hard to imagine her having had
any kind of social life or fun.

What?!

Well, that's certainly the
impression one gets of her.

Boring, really, and, um...

Dull. Mm. Dull.

Dull? There's nothing dull about joy.

Both: Oh?

Whispers: For instance,
one year, right,

we went to Greece
together on holiday...

Well, I've completed my deliberations

and I've decided who I shall
be bestowing my vote on

in the next general election
- the referendum party.

Oh, you identify with their
stance on Europe, do you?

Not particularly. I just feel so
many rich people can't be wrong!

Ok, mr mandelson, whenever
mr Blair is free, of course.

No, I'm sorry,

I don't think we could give you a
list of the questions in advance.

No, but you could probably give
us the answers in advance!

What, mr mandelson?

Yes, that was Henry.

I understand that this new temp
is an acquaintance of yours, joy.

She's my friend, actually. Friend?

Don't waste any time on it, Sally,

it's an impossible concept
for you to grasp.

Well, Carol seems to
be settling in nicely.

Yeah. Yeah, she does.

Oh! 18 minutes! What are you doing?

Logging all the calls,

so the spin doctors can't accuse us
of giving them unequal phone time.

See, here's this month's running total.

New labour - eight hours, 14 minutes,

conservatives - six hours, 49 minutes,

John redwood - 37 hours,
12 and a half minutes,

sir James goldsmith - 42 hours, 15.

Oh, yes.

Does he always reverse the charges?

Well, he didn't become a
millionaire by accident.

Now, then, let's get on.

Henry? Mmm? Are you ok?

Well, no. No, no, I'm not, actually.

Do you want to talk about it?

I, er...

I don't know if I can.

Gus, could I just run this by you?

The national grid have written
this letter to all broadcasters,

asking for advance warning of any
interviews with David mellor.

Apparently, millions of people

simultaneously get up
and put the kettle on.

The surge in demand could
trigger power failures. So...

George, George, George...

You've had relationships.
Emotional relationships, I mean.

Yes.

Well, I need the benefit
of your experience...

Oh, right!

..Of disastrous failure.

I mean, you must have
gleaned a lot of insight

from your wealth of catastrophic
personal encounters.

Thanks (!)

You see, the thing is,

for some time now, I've been
communicating on the Internet

with um...

A female person...

..In a high-achieving
executive singles' forum.

She works in Germany. Oh?

She's a systems analyst.

We're both huge fans of Jeremy clarkson.
But now...

Now she wants to devirtualise
our relationship.

She's coming to see me, George.

She wants me to take her to dinner.

Well?

George! I feel I'm straying
outside my core activity.

Social dinner with a
person of the opposite...

Way of buttoning up their jackets.

I mean, what do I do?

Oh, Gus, you'll be fine.

All you have to do is relax, make
some small talk, be yourself!

Perhaps you could do
with a bit of practice.

Practice? Yes.

Ask someone out to dinner,
and then practise chatting.

Right. Well, who would you
recommend from the office?

Given I've gotta downsize
the selection base

from my incredibly huge number
of close female acquaintances.

Well, there's, um, Helen.

Perhaps not an appropriate choice.

What with her being a
person who prefers people

who button up their jackets
on the same side as she does.

I see what you mean. Well,
there's always joy.

Sorry! Sorry! Erm... or Sally!

Sally?

Yeah, I think Sally would
be rather a good idea.

You're similar in many ways.
You're both...

..Very similar in many ways.

Practise chatting with Sally.

Yes! Excellent!

You have a nice relaxing
evening with Sally,

and then you'll all be ready

for when you meet this pen
pal of yours in the flesh.

In the flesh?

Figure of speech. Oh. Ha! Oh, yes.

And it's an experience that
forces one to confront

that inner bleakness.

To acknowledge the emptiness

that lurks at the heart of existence.

It's unbearable!

And I know I couldn't put
myself through that again.

Ok, then.

Damien, you can interview John Major!

No problem. Interviewing
him doesn't scare me.

Oh, it's not the interview, dear boy.
It's before.

What do you mean, before? You'll see.

What does he mean, before?

Dave, Helen, Damien - large espressos.

Oh, lovely!

Sally, cappuccino.

And George, a decaff

with double-boiled,
organically-reared goats' milk.

Oh, thank you, Carol.

Well, I must say, we're not used to
this kind of treatment from the pas,

are we, joy? No.

Did you get one yourself?

Well, no, I'm a Buddhist,
so I avoid stimulants.

Right. I went to a
Buddhist temple once.

Very relaxing,

till I got my ear caught in
one of those prayer wheels.

Right.

Ok, then, let's get on.

Now, that vox pop that we did.

Almost everyone that
we stopped and asked,

"has the feel-good factor
returned?" Told us to piss off.

So, we need to find another angle.

Maybe some more tangible indication
about how the economy's performing.

Well, I go by the number of
people begging in doorways.

There seem to be more and more of them.

I've worked out this special route
into work avoiding as many as I can.

Only trouble is, it adds an hour
and ten minutes to my journey.

Ok, let's do the economy
via homelessness.

Send a crew down to the strand
to film some kids in doorways,

stuff a quote shelter, some statistics,

we'll give it 40 seconds maximum.

Yeah, but it is important, isn't it?
Sorry?

Well, it's a disgrace, isn't it?

I mean, the government
don't give a monkey's.

And now they've brought in
this job seeker's allowance,

it's gonna make things even
more difficult for teenagers.

The pavements will be
knee-deep with them soon.

I mean, well, it's wrong, isn't it?

Well, yes, it is wrong.

But it's only wrong enough
to be worth 40 seconds.

Sorry, it's just something I
feel very strongly about. Sorry.

Everyone talks like that
when they first arrive here

from the outside world.

But you'll soon be joining
the ranks of the undead.

Gus hums a military tune
talking of which...

Clears throat Sally?

Yes, Gus?

Sally.

Gus.

Sally...

Nothing.

Gus starts humming again

Gus making as much sense as
usual, but with far fewer words.

Thank you, flopsy.

What did you say?

When?

Just then. What did you say?

Well, nothing. I just
said, "thank you"...

..Flopsy.

Oh, I forgot! Flopsy was your
nickname until you were nine.

And then everyone had to
stop calling you flopsy

or you'd make them eat worms.

Oh, no, please don't make
me eat worms, flopsy (!)

You're pathetic!

Did you see that?!

She was speechless! I got her!

Yes!

You actually derive pleasure

from upsetting people for
no reason, don't you?

Do you want something?

No.

Well, why are you
buttering me up, then?

Well, that's very interesting.

I've just received some e-mail
from Gus, inviting me to dinner.

Why would he do that?

Why would anyone?

For a bet?

To prove themselves of unsound mind,
to avoid some criminal prosecution?

Helen: Maybe he fancies you.
Don't be silly.

Don't be disgusting.

Thanks, flopsy.

Keep an eye out for mr McGregor.

And I'll keep an eye out for the worms.

Did you mean that, Helen?
About me and Gus?

Why not?

In fact, I can't think of two
people who deserve each other more.

Oh, thank you, Helen.

Listen, babe,

I just wanna say thanks
for getting me this job.

It's no problem.

Oh, I really like it here.
Everybody is so nice and friendly.

Damien and Dave were chatting
to me for ages this morning.

I know.

Dave just asked me if I still
had my brownie uniform,

and would I wear it into work?

She laughs he's funny, isn't he?

Has he got some sort of
medical condition, though?

Only I bumped into him
in the corridor just now

and he was all doubled up in pain.

Like I said, he just asked me if
I still had my brownie uniform.

You don't mean you...?

Yeah, it's the only
language they understand.

Yeah, but I only meant...

Carol, anything you tell them
about me diminishes my power.

Which brings me to my next
point - fetching coffees.

Yeah? Yeah, well, don't.
They'll come to expect it.

Well, I don't mind.

Performing menial tasks can be the
path to enlightenment, you know?

Oh, yeah? Well, I've been
working here five years now,

so how come I'm not Buddha yet?
But, joy...

Listen, Carol. You're my best friend.

So it's hard for me to
threaten you like this,

but this is my territory, so
you live by my rules. Ok?

I'm sorry. I didn't mean any... oh.

Oh, I didn't mean to upset you.

Of course not. I know that.

Which is why you're getting off
with just a verbal warning, ok?

Morning, Carol. Morning, joy.
Do you want some?

You know, Helen, I've been
thinking about what you said

about Gus being attracted to me.

Well, it's funny how one can
fail to spot the obvious.

I mean, I've always thought of Gus
as socially awkward and gauche,

but now I realise it must be
just when he's around me!

He's just a moth around my flame.

Or a fly around your fa... yeah!

Thank you, Henry (!)

Now, has anyone seen that press
release on national drinking habits?

I've got it here, it's very sloppy.

There's a misprint in the statistics.

Look, they've got 15 pints a
day down as alcohol abuse!

Well, 15 pints isn't alcohol abuse.
It's a light lunch!

Henry...

People should be allowed
to drink what they like,

as long as no-one gets hurt.

Would that include the
landlord at the green man?

That was different. I was provoked.

How? He refused to serve me!

Said I was turning violent.

Well, people do get hurt.
Families break up.

Yeah, that's right.

Only families when the father is
some under-educated inadequate

with a one-way ticket to palookaville!

But that is just not true! For
instance, joy's dad was an Al...

Sorry, joy. I'm sorry. Sorry.

It's all right. No harm done.

Ahoy there, shipmates!

Are we steering a happy course
together towards headline island,

ready to drop anchor in you
heard it here first bay?

Absolutely, Gus!

I'm very much looking forward
to this evening, too.

Yes, terrific.

That's a look of fierce
determination, joy!

Well done. Splendid.

And I trust we're fully stoked up

for the main event of
our autumn season?

Our interview with
Johnny major tomorrow.

Phone rings

Gus hedges.

Oh, hello, mr mandelson.

Incidentally, can I just say

how much I'm looking forward to our
interview with mr Blair next week?

As far as I'm concerned, that's the
main event of our autumn season.

Henry: You're a two-faced
tosser, hedges!

Yes, as a matter of
fact, that was Henry.

You know, Gus,

you and I, we're both so similar
in so many ways, don't you think?

Both talented, high-powered
professionals...

Indeed. Both performing high priority,

but differently-skilled functions,

within the globelink
corporational matrix.

There you go again, with
that silver tongue of yours!

He chuckles

tell me, Gus, do you ever feel lonely?

Lonely? Me?! Absolutely not!

No. Good heavens! Ha-ha!

Loneliness is the least of my worries.

Or would be if I had time to have any.

In between achieving, goal-reaching
and succeeding and so on.

Shall we get the bill?

Gus, relax.

I know why you invited me
out for dinner tonight.

You do?

Oh, yes. I know what all this is about.

And, um... you don't mind?

Why should I mind?

I think it's wonderful when
two like-minded people

find they understand each other,

and make the first, hesitant steps
towards a meaningful relationship.

It was George who told you. Right?

I mean, he's the only who one I told.

Come, come, Gus, you wouldn't expect
a journalist to reveal her sources.

Well, I must say, Sally, you've
been very sporting about all this.

And it's certainly helping.

Do you know, I...

I'm quite looking forward to the
old dinner do next Wednesday.

Next Wednesday?

Oh, could be quite enjoyable.

Especially now you've let
me have this dry run.

You sauce pot!

I was thinking of booking this
restaurant again, actually.

What do you think?

Great idea!

To next Wednesday!

Next Wednesday.

John Major: 'And because, when
I was fighting my way out

'of two rooms in Brixton,

'life was a struggle to a not
inconsiderable degree. Oh, yes.

'I remember my brother Terry and I...'

how long has he been in there?
About 12 minutes.

Damien, is your earpiece working now?

Not so cocky now, are we?

Damien, we're gonna be
a little while yet.

We can't seem to get
camera three working.

This is nothing. Wait till
he gets onto Chelsea.

Ok, refreshments!

All: Oh!

I must say, I'm very impressed
with your friend, Carol.

She's so enthusiastic, isn't she?

That's one word for it.

Always fetching coffees and sandwiches.

Nothing seems to be too much trouble.

Wonderful sense of humour.

She's got some very funny anecdotes.

Like the one where you and
she sang the birdie song

at that karaoke evening in tenerife.

He chuckles

perhaps you could do a little turn
together at the Christmas party?

Well, she won't be here
at Christmas, will she?

She's only temping.

Well, between you and me,

we're thinking of offering
her a permanent position.

That'll be nice for you, won't it?

Who says friendship and work can't mix?

Is there something wrong
with that monitor

or has Damien gone very white?

I'll go and find Gus. See if
he can take some of the load.

Look, joy, I'm sorry I
blurted out about your dad.

Forget it.

Why's Damien twitching?

He's waiting to interview major.

Not that it'll be worth waiting for.

It'll just be the usual guff
about the feel-good factor

and the euro currency,

when he should be asking him about
something that really matters,

like those poor sods with
no roofs over their heads.

Yeah, you're right.

But he'll just be given an easy ride.

No-one here's gonna say anything

cos they're all too scared
of losing their jobs.

You know, I really envy you, temping.

I mean, at least you can hang
on to your self-respect.

Joy sighs

oh, hello, Sally. I was
just looking for Gus.

I'm just giving our chief
executive's power centre

the gentle touch. Oh, that's nice.

Yes, our relationship has started
out on a new footing, as it were.

Right.

No doubt we'll be entertaining
John in here later.

He and Gus are very
good friends, you know.

In fact, I wouldn't be surprised

if the pm were on the top
table at our wedding.

Your wedding?!

Oh, yes.

We had a wonderful dinner
at deux last night, George.

And it all became very clear to me

that Gus and I are
meant for each other.

Two lone... single,
unattached high achievers

finally finding solace together.

Isn't it nice to know there
are some happy endings?

Er, Sally, er... I don't know how
to tell you this, but, erm...

But what, George? But...

Those flowers are nice.

John Major: 'Of course, the stalwart
of the 1970 Chelsea cup-winning side

'was its custodian, Peter bonetti,

'who, as I recall...'

Gus, could I have a quick word?

Not now, George, we're set to roll
on this interview. And about time.

Poor chap's been stuck in there
with Damien for 20 minutes.

All right, we're ready to go.
Liven up, everyone.

Stand by. Ten seconds.

Oh, yes, this is going to be...

Who's that standing in
front of the camera?

Clear the frame. Who is it?

Carol: 'Ok, major, you
complacent bastard.

'I want a word with you
about the homeless!'

well, well, well, well, well.

Who'd have thought that Carol

would have gone off the
deep end like that?

Where is she now?

Gus is escorting her off the premises.

And just when we were going to offer
her a permanent position, as well.

Yeah, what a shame.

Anyway, she'll be happier
not working here.

She'll be happier?

That's what I said. That
was absolutely outrageous!

Outrageous! Disgraceful!

The prime minister, abused, insulted,

asked a direct question,
in my television studio!

Yes, it's not just an insult to
the prime minister and globelink,

it's a personal slight, as well.

Gus and John are very close.

Gus, we must have them round to
dinner to make it up to them.

Just the four of us.
Oh, shut up, woman!

I can do without all this
simpering attention!

Gus, that's no way to talk
to your "significant other".

What?!

Well, at our dinner... our dinner?

Oh, you stupid...

I was just using you for practise,

for this proper date
I've got next week.

And I only chose you cos joy's
terrifying and Helen's a lesbian!

I see. Excuse me.

Right, Helen. I want you to draft a
letter of apology to number ten.

The first apology you
should make is to Sally.

What?!

I'll never forgive you
for this, Gus hedges!

You've just made me feel
sympathy for Sally smedley!

Gus, women aren't objects
for you to just pick up

and then Chuck aside,
like unwanted toys!

They deserve more than that.

Just because you've got no feelings,

it's no excuse for trampling
on other people's.

That was a fine speech, Dave.

Yes, someone said it to me once.

Just after they'd had
their stomach pumped

when I inadvertently
forgot to marry them.

Hello? Look, never mind
about Carol or Sally.

I've just been stuck in
there for 25 minutes,

listening to mr temazepam!

I told you, one of the
cameras went down.

Well, what was wrong with it?

There was a part missing, apparently.

Yes, I think it was this one.

You wait, merryweather!

And what's this?

I ordered pate. Is this pate?
Is that pate?

No. It's a special filling.

Special filling? Uh-huh.

For people who call me flopsy.

Finely-crushed earthworms with
just a little pinch of dill.

Absolutely, mr mawhinney.

Quite right, mr mandelson.

It does look as if they've got the
most specific policies for Britain.

Which party's that?

Catholic church.

Absolutely, mr mandelson.

Quite right, mr mawhinney.

I mean, it does seem as if the
catholic church are backing labour.

Odd, really, when you
think about how much

they like dressing up in frocks and
fathering illegitimate children,

you'd think they'd have more
in common with the tories.

What, mr mawhinney?

Why don't the two of you sort
it out between yourselves?

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