All language subtitles for Drop The Dead Donkey s05e03 The Bird Of Doom.eng

Gus, some of these cutbacks
are just ludicrous.

Why on earth have you got rid
of our security contractors?

Because our new security contractors
came in and undercut them by 40%.

Well, how on earth have
they managed that?

The last lot were virtually
paying us, weren't they?

You have checked out this
new bunch, haven't you?

Helen, please, I'm a professional!

They came with impressive bona fides,

and the offer of significant savings.

Did we make a significant
saving on your new desk?

That is not a desk, Helen!

That is a state-of-the-art workstation.

Michael heseltine's got
one just like mine.

Only smaller.

At the same time, you're imposing
less wages, longer hours...

Listen, Helen, this company
has to be like my fish. See?

They're sleek, totally streamlined,

honed by the business
plan of evolution.

They're all perfectly
designed survival machines.

Well, except that one. Hmm?

The one doing the Robert Maxwell
impersonation on the surface there.

Oh, for Pete's... that's
my siamese fighting fish.

He's a siamese floating fish now.

�96, that cost.

�96!

You can get four secretaries
and a security guard for that.

Come to uncle Gus.

Yes, we need some more for
this profile of goldsmith.

Perhaps we could get a quote from...

Oh, you know him. He used to
be a government minister.

Had to resign over that
free holiday scandal.

You know him, he's very rich.

He's got shares in lots of arms firms.

You're gonna have to narrow
it down more than this.

You know, he looks like a bulimic toad.

Both: David mellor.

David mellor.

Oh, dear. Can't seem to
remember anything these days.

Sometimes I'm worried I'm
going down with that awful...

You know, er... human bse.

Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease. Yes!

Oh, no.

Fancy me forgetting the name of
an irreversible brain disease.

Something is not right. I can feel it.

It could be bse.

Oh, George, honestly!
Well, it could be.

The only meal that Margaret
ever used to cook was mince.

And sometimes she wouldn't
even bother to cook it.

Have you seen these proposed contracts?

Longer hours, less dosh.

I tell you, I'm out of here

as soon as I've cleared my debt
with barclaycard and access.

And ladbrokes. And coral's.

And no-nose Charlie.

If it wasn't for Chloe's
school fees, I'd walk.

Yes, me, too.

As soon as I've finished paying

for those 15th century plague pits
beneath my house to be infilled,

I'll be changing jobs!

Oh, listen to you lot!

None of you have got the balls
to quit, and Gus knows that.

Well, he's wrong.

And you're wrong. Eh?

I've got an interview at the
BBC first thing Wednesday.

I'm not waiting around

until Gus replaces us with
eight-year-old Romanians,

I'm out of here.

George has very kindly
given me a reference.

Yes, I said that joy was
a popular, constructive,

and positive member of the team.

Well, why did you put that?

Because she told me to.

You'll never believe what's
just happened to me!

One of those new security guards
has just asked me for my pass.

Well, old Albert never used
to ask me for my pass.

He just used to smile at me.

He smiled at everyone, woman.
He was retarded!

Have you seen the terms that Gus
is offering the technicians?

I mean, the trouble is,
he's got them over a barrel

with all this new technology.

Yes, there's no doubt about it,
the machines are taking over.

All right, all right, no need to boast.

Well, at least Gus had the good sense

not to touch the newsreaders'
wages, eh, Henry?

After all, you do have a
certain lifestyle to support.

Shoes by church's.

Jackets by Simpsons.

Hair by axminster.

Oh, come on, Henry, lighten up!

The whole office knows it's a syrup.

Yeah, pretending to go to the barber
once a month doesn't fool anybody.

Look, why don't you just bin it, Henry?

I mean, I thought bald men
were supposed to be sexy.

Name one.

Duncan goodhew!

Michael fish.

Oh, very funny!

The mekon from Dan dare.

Gerald Kaufman!

Shut it!

I think the tone of this
item on the Cullen report

is emotive and simplistic.

You see, Helen, guns don't kill people,

people kill people.

Yeah, but guns save so much time.

I mean, for instance, supposing
somebody wanted to kill me...

Supposing?!

They wouldn't need a gun.

He could beat me, or strangle me.

True. But the one thing
that he couldn't do

is transform himself into a
small metallic projectile

and then hurl himself at you at 800mph

so that he smashes through your skull

and splatters your brain
all over the wall.

Stop it, you're turning me on.

And then there's the farmers.
They need their guns for doing...

Well, whatever it is that
farmers do with guns. Like...

Committing suicide?

If you're not prepared to have
a sensible conversation...

Oh, my god!

We're looking for Gus hedges.

Yes. Actually, would you
mind keeping your distance?

Only, I have a bit of
a phobia about birds.

Apparently when I was a toddler,

I was dragged from my
pushchair by a swan.

Nobody knows why.

It's best not to stare at them.
They don't like eye-to-eye contact.

It's seen as a challenge.

It's a Harris hawk, isn't it?
It's magnificent.

It certainly is.

What's it doing here?

It's an anti-verminous
defecation deterrent.

It's to stop pigeons
crapping on the building.

Correct.

And how much is this costing us?

Don't be so obsessed with cost.
This creature is good value.

It'll keep our award-winning
chrome and glass atrium

free from airborne number twos.

I did this report once
on these tribesman.

They used these eagles to hunt.
Huge things.

They just pluck lambs off the hillside.

I managed to get this amazing footage

of one coming down out of
the sky like a thunderbolt,

straight towards my cameraman.

Who you had lent your
sheepskin jacket to.

Yeah.

Finally enough, he'd got a
phobia about birds as well.

At least, he has now.

Chop chop, everyone. We've all got
fish to fry, and pigeons to kill.

Oh, incidentally, can I scotch
this absurd rumour flying around

that I intend closing the canteen,

thus leaving staff with no catering
facilities in the building?

This is quite unfounded. Good.

A microwave will be provided

to heat any food items staff
may care to bring in.

Oh, thanks (!)

Will there be a tin opener as well?

Fair point, Helen. I'll look into it.

Joy, all we're saying

is if you really want to
get this job at the beeb

then maybe you need to give
a bit of thought to your...

My what?

Erm... well, it's just, you
have a certain demeanour

which might possibly impair
your interview technique.

Well, I interviewed for this job,

so my interview technique must
have been all right then.

I'm afraid not.

George said he was just too
scared to turn you down.

That was my technique.

Yeah, but you don't get
jelloid people like George

working in management at the beeb.

Except at controller level.

You'll be interviewed
by middle management.

I can handle them.

Listen, joy, you get
away with murder here

because a, you're extremely efficient,

and b, this place is a madhouse.

Now, me and Dave, we wish we had the
gumption to leave, but we don't.

But we can be your escape committee.

If you really want to
get in at the beeb,

you need to learn to play the game.

All right. So, what I have to do?

Well, for a start, when you sit
in front of the selection panel,

there's no use glaring at them.

I do not glare.

You do! Always!

When you look at people,
you seem to be saying,

"I don't respect you, you're crap."

Well, that's because I work here!

You see! It's like you're programmed.

You always turn aggressive. Ugh.
This isn't aggressive, Charlie.

I can show you aggressive!

All right, all right,
into your corners. Sit.

Joy, you don't stand a chance if you
don't learn to hide her personality.

It's all about dissembling,
flattering the interviewer's vanity.

Now, Dave and I will
give you an example

of the interested and attentive smile.

You know, it's amazing to
think that this animal

is probably a descendant
of carnivorous dinosaurs.

You know, the raptors, like
the ones in Jurassic park.

I could only watch the
first half of that film.

Had to leave when that chap got eaten
alive on the toilet. Horrible.

No, it wasn't. He was a lawyer.

Do you want to stroke her, Sally?

No, I most certainly do not.

Well, perhaps if you did, it might
help you overcome your phobia.

Actually, Sally, he's right.
That's the way they treat phobics.

A controlled exposure to
the object of the phobia.

Well, perhaps you're right.

I remember granny cured
me of my phobia of trees

by repeatedly abandoning
me in epping forest.

There you are! You can beat it.

Do you think so?

Oh, yes. We all have our
little everests to conquer.

Is this ok?

Yeah, sure.

Perhaps if you win her
confidence by feeding her?

All right, then.

What do you feed her with?

These dead newborn chicks.

Oh, excuse me!

He coughs

oh, hello there, Trevor.

I was just power napping.

What can I do for you?

You sent for me.

Hmm? Oh, yes, I remember now.

I wanted to talk through
my fish situation.

How are your men
settling in, by the way?

Oh, fine.

And Sally didn't call
any of your operatives

impotent troglodytes today?

No. Good.

Well, if you could tell your men
that whoever's on night shift

must check the temperature of
the tank once every four hours.

It should be 74 degrees.

What's that one doing?

He's fighting his own reflection.

He's my favourite.

I suppose because I identify with him.

Constantly locked in battle

with an intruder who
looks vaguely familiar,

but who you can never beat. Never.

Because he's always there.

Elusive.

Threatening.

Always invading your
hard-won territory.

Ha. Still, I suppose we all
feel like that, don't we?

Erm... oh, yeah...

Very nice.

Are they expensive?

Oh, every fish costs over �60.
But they're worth it.

They're magnificent specimens that...

Oh, no! Another one's dead.

And the others are eating it.

Look at them!

His former tank mates
can't wait to devour him.

How very like life.

Now, Dave and I are gonna be the panel.

We're just gonna run through some
of the bog-standard questions.

And remember, don't be afraid to lie.

So, miss merryweather, why
did you apply for this job?

Erm... because the BBC is the
Rolls-Royce of broadcasters,

and, erm... I've always
aspired to working here.

Excellent. And what qualities
would you bring to the job?

Erm... enthusiasm.

Commitment.

Hmm... patience.

Dave laughs

have you got a problem with that?!

Ok, ok. Now, joy, what
are you going to wear?

What?

You have to wear something a little
more serious than you normally do.

Maybe a tailored jacket.

And maybe in a softer colour. Like,
I don't know, lemon, or pink.

Oh, ok, no! I draw the line at pink.

Oh, joy. The colour's
not that important.

It's just a means to an end, after all.
That's right.

And make the skirt reasonably short,
so you can flash a bit of leg.

What?!

I'm not being a sexist,
I'm just a realist.

The board is bound to be
predominantly male, so...

Dave, this is 1996!

Well, excuse me! If you were
conducting an interview,

you wouldn't give someone the job

purely because you
fancied them, would you?

Well, of course... I wouldn't.

What do you take me for?

Oh, by the way, George,

there's lots of shocking
Fergie revelations coming up.

And they'll need handling
with sensitivity and tact.

So let's make sure the lookalikes
in our toe-sucking reconstruction

don't overdo it.

So, that's all, champ.

There was one thing, Gus.

Joy may be leaving us.
She's got an interview.

Well, she's very efficient,
and rather important to us,

so I was wondering if we
might persuade her to stay

by offering her improved
financial terms.

I'm sorry, but we can't de-harmonise
our incremental wages matrix

for one salaried unit.
Where's her interview?

The BBC.

Oh, she won't like it there.

She'll have to put up with all that
incompetence and management jargon.

I know she's a bit rude, and all that,

and that last week she
compared you to...

A stink beetle. Yes.

But, well, she's so organised,

I'm just worried this whole place
is gonna fall apart without her.

Oh, come, come, George.
Let's not be negative.

We shouldn't undervalue ourselves.

This office is full of top
grade talented professionals.

That's a tie.

Bollocks. Rock blunts scissors.

No... always, actually.

Shh. Here she comes.

My word, joy, I nearly didn't
recognise you in normal clothes.

You look almost female.

Agh!

They cheer

Damien squawks

oh, for... well, that is just juvenile.

Damien, clear Sally's desk.

Why me? It's always me?

It was his idea. It was not!

Liar. Liar. Pants on fire.

All right, all right,
you can both do it.

You started it.

It's like being held prisoner
in a bloody kindergarten.

I know, I know.

Hang on, I've just remembered,
it was his idea! Yeah!

Just do it!

Oh, joy, you look nice.

I just thought I'd better try and
get used to the stuff for tomorrow.

No. Leave the owl.

I'll see if I can brave it out.

Listen, listen, guys, I have
been thinking about this.

Do you seriously mean that I
might look better without it?

Well, I've never understood it. I
mean, you're not usually a man

who worries about what
other people think.

Otherwise you'd never
have streaked that time.

That's not that daring. Loads
of people have streaked.

Yeah, but not in tehran.

We all have our little
irrational fears.

I suppose with Sally, it's birds,
and with me, it's hair loss.

I suppose I just equate
it with getting old.

Besides, without it,
I might look silly.

Without it you might look silly?!

Look, it's not something I'm
prepared to have an argument about.

All sir roysten's other companies

expect staff to provide
their own toilet paper.

All right, listen up, everyone.

Are you all right, joy?

Yes, I'm interested and attentive!

Right, right, yes.

Just a brief word about Teresa
gorman's visit tomorrow.

Now, her last visit was marred

by the "offensive graffiti in
the ladies toilet" incident.

Now, we haven't been able
to get that graffiti off,

so we mustn't let her in there.
Is that clear?

Because the last thing we
want is her writing more.

Ok, team, I... argh!

Oh, Gus, that hawk is
disembowelling a pigeon.

Oh, god, that's awful.

Nonsense! It's necessary.

You know what these pigeons are like.

You have to make an example of them.
Target the ringleaders.

Besides, it's only obeying its nature.

Look at those talons
ripping into the flesh,

the cold, merciless gleam in its eye.

If you ask me, there's a
terrible beauty about it.

It's a perfectly designed,
exquisite, airborne killing machine,

and it takes my breath away.

Damien, when was the last
time you took a holiday?

Sorry about that. I'll see to it.

Ok, back to work, everyone.

We've got our own
vermin to exterminate,

let's gut the competition,
and roast those rivals.

And someone call a taxi for Sally.

Come in.

Thank you for coming,
miss merryweather.

Joy.

Well, perhaps we can kick off

by asking you why you've
applied for this job.

Well, basically, because the BBC is
the Rolls-Royce of broadcasters,

and I've always aspired
to working here.

Oh, god, what a start to the day!

Who's gonna tell Gus? Well,
I'm not telling him.

You may as well tell him, George.
He's gonna blame you anyway.

Yes.

Right! That's it, heads will
roll, you mark my words.

Ah, could I... I've just
come through reception.

Not one security man on duty.
Can you believe that?

Yes, I... this place is sloppy!

Well, I'm clamping down, George.

Because I will not tolerate
any shortfall in security.

That's what I wanted
to talk to you about.

Where the hell were the security men?

They were doing the stealing.

Eh? They've done a runner.

The security firm that you
checked out so professionally.

Anything of any value's gone.

Still, at least they left
your fish tank. Oh, yes!

But stolen my fish!

They've scooped out...

They've even stolen my bloody net!

Right, we can nail them, though!

They'll have been filmed red-handed
by our video surveillance cameras.

They've nicked the cameras.

What? They've nicked the cameras!

Yes, I heard what he said!

And they've nicked my mobile.

Oh, stop whingeing, they've
taken my entire office!

I wasn't whingeing, I...

Will you keep the noise down?!
I'm trying to ring the police.

Oh, hello. Is that the police?

They're playing me some music.

I see myself very much as an
enabler, and a facilitator.

Basically, my strength is
bringing out the best in others.

Right.

Now, I think I ought
to bring this up, joy,

one of the staff in our news department

used to work at globelink,

and he says you've got a bit
of a reputation for being,

well, intimidating.

Really?

Could you give me his name? Please...

Well, I'm not sure that's relevant.

He's obviously got the
wrong end of the stick.

We've got a glowing reference here
from your editor, George donk.

George dent.

Oh, yeah.

Rather tremble-y handwriting.

Well, he doesn't say anything
about you being intimidating.

And besides, I can see
that "intimidating"

is not a word that can be applied

to this charming individual
who's sitting before us now.

She fakes a laugh

we could do with some more on...

Oh, you know, that disease
that affects soldiers.

Michael portillo?

Gulf war syndrome.

Oh, come on, Damien, you were there.
What went on?

Well, we were all geared up for a
sneak chemical attack from Saddam,

but, foolishly, we weren't
expecting one from our own side.

Well, the police say
they can find no record

of a rottweiler security
consultants limited.

Well, I... don't worry,
Gus, we get the picture.

Basically, if pol pot and
oj Simpson had turned up

offering you a cheap deal on security,

you'd have taken it, wouldn't you?

Morning, everyone.

I notice there was no uniformed
gorilla on the desk.

I take it they've been sacked?

The security firm were a phony.
We've been cleaned out.

What? Arghhh!

Oh, my god!

Oh, what's it got now?

Urgh, it's tearing the thing to pieces.

Looks like a small cat.

No, I don't think it's a cat.
What is it, then?

No, you're right. You don't
look better without it!

Stupid bloody bird!

Oh, be fair, Henry.

From above, it probably looked
like a slow-moving ginger rodent.

Let me look. I must see.

My word, that's impressive.

The way its beak is tearing
through all that cheap nylon.

Come on, Henry, you have to
see the funny side of it.

Helen's right.

Try to think of it not so much
as an upsetting humiliation,

more as an amusing anecdote.

Do you know, I'm beginning to see the
beauty in these birds after all.

I hope you all die.

A mercilessly slow and painful death.

And that your loved ones feed
your bodies to the dogs!

Bit uncalled for.

It's not his fault. It's
understandable, really.

So upset, he lost control.

Yeah.

It's rug rage.

Well, joy, I have conferred
with my colleagues,

and we've agreed that you're clearly
the best qualified candidate.

So, we'd like to offer you the job.

Thank you. Good.

Well, the personnel
department will be on to you

apropos your contract.

So, it only remains for me
to say, welcome to the BBC.

I look forward to working
with you, joy merryweather.

Pretty little name for
a pretty little thing.

I'm sure we'll be doing
great things together.

Erm... you're hurting my hand.

Help me, somebody!

Oh, I see you've got a new...

Well, the running
order's been rejigged.

Madonna's little baby's been moved
up in front of northern Ireland.

Lord, take me now!

And re the northern
Ireland peace talks,

you're interviewing Gerry
Adams and Ian paisley.

Oh, whoopee! Interviewing Gerry Adams

is like trying to nail
a jelly to a raindrop.

And all paisley will do is bloody
bellow the only two words he knows,

"betrayal", and "surrender".

God, I bet that man's crap at scrabble!

And the last item will
now be this hospital

which is turning away elderly patients.

Correction, George,
they are not patients.

They may have fought for
this country in the war,

and they may have paid
a lifetime's taxes,

but once they have the
temerity to reach old age,

they become bed blockers.

According to trust administrators.

Or, as I like to call
them, fist stoppers.

Yes, well... if there are
any further changes,

I'll tell you through your hairpiece.

Earpiece!

Excuse me.

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