Original subtitles

Theme music plays

tyres screech

ah, yes. The traditional black BMW,

going straight through a red light.

Feel better about being

woefully inadequate in bed now, do we?

Out! She gasps

she gasps get out!

She screams

ow!

She screams

get out!

Where are the cameras? Is it the bill?

My neighbour got paid to be an extra on that. 40 quid.

Tyres screech

what is it, the bill? Or thief takers?

She inhales sharply this is real life!

Real life? Nah, never heard of it.

Blood hell, there's a turn up.

Major's just announced a nationwide gun amnesty.

I never saw that. Yeah, as from Monday,

anyone with a gun can hand it in at any police station

anywhere in the country, absolutely no questions asked.

Provided they shoot 50 cows on the way in.

Yeah, very funny.

You wouldn't joke about bse if you'd just been lumbered

with composing the copy on the latest non-development.

I wish they'd make up their minds about this bloody cull.

It's been on-off, on-off more times than a bishop's underpants.

Morning, George, how are you?

Oh, can't complain.

Good, then, don't!

I developed a new symptom over the weekend.

Really?

Yes, for some reason, I get this strange shooting pain

all down my left-hand side whenever I do this.

Erm, under what circumstances would you need to do that, George?

I'm not sure, but you never know.

Strange pain down your left-hand side, you say?

Yes. You know, I think I read somewhere

that's the first symptom of the deadly ebola virus.

That is a dreadful thing to do to a hypochondriac.

Yeah, well, he asks for it.

Look, there is no need to take it out on George just because...

I don't wanna talk about it, ok?

Distant laughter who's that with Henry?

Desmond platt. What, the Desmond platt?

Yep. Brilliant journalist. One of my heroes. Him, Warren beatty

and whoever invented that chocolate body spray.

Then you said to profumo... platt chuckles

"don't worry, John,

"anyone with the good sense to shag Christine Keeler gets my vote."

Platt laughs

oh, how we all laughed, eh? Platt chuckles

apart from MacMillan, of course.

And mrs profumo.

She didn't seem to see the funny side.

Henry laughs

so, what do I owe the honour of this visit?

Well, I just popped by to put a proposition to you.

Confidentially. Only, I've heard you've got some financial problems.

Oh, well, let's just say it's been a very bad year.

I managed to get some money out of barings,

but then I invested it in Morgan grenfell.

Now I'm being sued for getting behind on my alimony.

Mm. By which wife? The first two. Ah.

Well, I think I may have the answer. Oh?

The beeb have been pestering me

to front this new flagship current affairs programme,

but, er, well, to be honest, I've had enough.

I'm retiring. What, you're kidding?

No, I've lost it.

For instance, last Tuesday, I was interviewing, erm, er, oh...

Er... the prime minister...

..And I couldn't even be bothered to taunt him

with the latest opinion polls.

So I'm calling it a day.

But I don't want them choosing some prepubescent paxman clone

to front the programme.

So, I said they should ask you. And they've agreed.

So, the job's yours if you want it. What do you say?

We have to be very careful over the wording

on this Neil Hamilton libel case.

So, erm, bung a few "allegedlys" in there, will you?

And see if you can find a photo that makes him look less smug and shifty.

Oh, yeah, right, give me the easy ones (!)

That was Helen, she's at the police station.

Someone stole her car at gunpoint. Is she ok?

Well, she sounds a bit shocked. She's not sure if she'll come in.

What, just because she's had a gun pointed at her?

Well, if I stopped work every time someone pointed a gun at me...

Will you stop this sulkfest, ok?

It's not our fault that Gus has banned you from doing any reports.

Yeah, well, it's a disgrace.

All because of a slight error of judgement.

A slight error of judgement?

I was merely trying to expose how criminally easy it is

to smuggle weapons-grade plutonium

out of one of our nuclear installations.

Damien, they had to evacuate great yarmouth...

..In the holiday season.

We are being sued by 20 hotels,

52 boarding houses and a winkle stall.

Morning, George. Morning, Dave. Morning, joy.

Damien, the bins need emptying.

Where's Helen? Oh, er, she's at the police station.

Someone stole her car at gunpoint. Oh. I see.

Well, what time will she be in?

Well, I'll give her a ring, shall I? Tell her to get a move on (!)

No, David, that might be a bit insensitive.

Now, as you know, I'm not here.

But I just want to make one important announcement,

because today, of course, we welcome back Sally.

After her... her... Nervous breakdown.

Yes, thank you, George. Obviously, when she comes in,

Sally will be feeling exposed and vulnerable.

But the sympathetic team feedback we must give her

is that we are not at all embarrassed by her, you know...

Ok, team, that's enough bonding. George, can we mind meld?

I wonder what sort of state Sally's gonna be in.

I felt rather sorry for her when we found her on the roof,

singing hits from Oklahoma.

You don't think it was my practical joke

with the hidden video camera down the toilet

that pushed her over the edge, do you?

Dave, you've no need to feel guilty. So, it wasn't that, then?

No, it was, but you've no need to feel guilty.

Ok, then, so that's agreed.

No newscasts to include any of the adverbs

I've identified on this list as being too downbeat.

Are you with me, George?

Oh, I'm sorry, Gus.

I was just thinking about Helen.

Oh, don't you worry, George, she'll be ok.

Helen's as tough as old boots.

Well, that's the upside of being a lesbian.

It's poor, fragile, little Sally I'm worried about.

Six weeks she's been away.

Oh, she'll be fine. And you're quite right

to tell everyone to just treat her normally.

So many people attach this silly stigma to mental illness.

Which is absurd,

because lots of us suffer from it at one time or another.

I don't know why I'm telling you this.

What's that supposed to mean? Well, I mean, you know,

a while back, you had that two-month spell.

In a health farm, it was a health farm!

I know... I will not have you insinuate that I have, at any time,

been ensnared by the lurking octopus of insanity! Is that clear?

Yes, Gus.

You'll think about it, will you?

Only, don't hang about,

otherwise auntie will give it to Reeves and Mortimer, or somebody.

Well, it's very good to see you after all these years.

Platt chuckles you be in touch, right?

Bye-bye. Bye.

Oh, love to imogen. Will do, bye-bye.

Have you heard about poor Helen?

Some bloke nicked her car at gunpoint.

What, is she ok?

Yeah, just a bit shaken up, I think. Are you ok?

Desmond's just offered me the job of my dreams.

Prime slot, salary that makes my palms sweat.

It's just...

Well, just what? Why are you even hesitating?

Well, it's just, when we were young reporters, we were best mates,

but, erm...

Tell me, Dave,

you've slept with a friend's wife behind his back, haven't you?

I might have.

Dave, even as I speak,

I can see one, two, three of the poor...

J-j-just...

..Keep your voice down.

Well, when you two-time a friend like that,

you feel bad, don't you?

Oh, yeah, terrible.

Exactly. I mean, there were mitigating circumstances, of course.

He was away, and she was lonely.

One night, she and I got drunk

and rogered each other to a standstill, as you do.

But I... I've never been proud of it.

Now, he's been really kind, virtually handed me this plum job.

Can I accept it without telling him about me and his wife?

Well, you can see my dilemma, can't you?

Erm...

Excuse me, David.

Sally! How... how's things?

Things are fine. Good. Good. That that's how things should be.

Sally!

Fantastic.

Oh, it's great to have you back, isn't it, everybody?

Man off-screen: Yeah.

How's things?

Fine. That's what we like to hear.

That's the sort of things we like. Fine ones, yes, indeedy.

Everything nice and normal.

Welcome back, Sally.

How's things?

Fine.

Well... I feel a bit strange.

You probably don't want to talk about it.

No, on the contrary.

The doctor said it would be therapeutic to talk about it.

Oh...

They said that when I was admitted, I was completely incoherent.

I just kept shouting some gibberish about a toilet.

And then there were times

they really thought I was losing my mind.

Yes, well, I must get cracking.

I've got some resource outsourcing strategies to package.

Great to see you, Sally.

Well, er, you take things easy.

Don't try to do too much.

Yeah, right, some danger!

Looking nice and relaxed.

Gus mentioned you're on Prozac. Are they helping?

Well... I feel calmer.

Good.

Do they do them in soluble form?

So, er, why the summons?

Well, we see so little of each other these days,

I just thought it'd be nice to chat.

And, erm...

Well, actually, there is something I've been meaning to tell you.

It concerns you, actually.

Imogen and me.

In 1971, you were away and she was lonely.

And so she and I got drunk and rogered... erm...

..Reached out for each other.

We slept together.

I've always meant to tell you, but...

I've known for years, Henry.

You have? Oh, yes.

So... so, you don't mind?

Oh, Henry.

It was a very long time ago.

He laughs

god, that's such a relief.

It's always worried me.

When you offered me that job, well, I...

Yes, what's your verdict on that? I'll take it. Oh, brilliant.

Of course, you're gonna have to break the news to Gus.

I know, and it will be the most pleasurable experience

I've had since Michael Howard came to be interviewed

and I accidentally let the door swing back in his face.

Cheers.

Yet some nutcase goes berserk!

I'm sorry, but with respect, you're talking bollocks.

You see, membership of the gun clubs is carefully screened,

and tight safety rules are observed at all times.

We shoot at cardboard targets set at a regulation distance.

Live ammunition is limited and has to be signed for.

Everyone has to wear ear defenders. Then...

He clicks .. "Bam"!

Oh, the feeling of power you get

as those bullets race from your fist at twice the speed of sound.

Pounding into their targets like a knife through butter. Ah!

He exhales

you see?

So, is there any news on the car?

No, police reckon they may have a suspect.

I am dreading the ID parade.

Were there any witnesses? Just one little old lady.

Could she give a description?

Yes, the only problem was it was of grant Mitchell from Eastenders.

Oh! I keep seeing that gun.

God, I was scared.

And now, I feel...

I don't know, a mixture of shock and fury, I suppose.

That's the trouble about being a woman.

It's so difficult for us to vent our anger.

Is it?

Well, we can't do it through physical violence the way men can.

Can't we?

No.

You see, Gus is having a little chat with Sally.

Nice to see everyone being so supportive.

After all, there but for the grace and all that.

Did you know that one in four people

experience some form of mental illness?

God, this office must distort the national average.

And it's an interesting philosophical question, isn't it?

Who can really say they're sane?

Well, I can.

Oh, I see, compulsive control freaks

are the norm on your planet, are they?

Oh, I'm compulsive, am I?

So, the gambling-addicted totty-holic says I'm compulsive?!

All right, that is quite enough, you two.

Are you all right, Henry?

Oh, I'm all right, dear girl, why do you ask?

Well, it's just... You're smirking.

Am I? Oh, yes, so I am!

I just wanted to say that there's no stigma attached

to what you've been going through.

So you just relax and carry on as normal,

which you are, so you just carry on being normal.

Except, possibly when the man from our insurers comes on Thursday,

it would be handy if you could give us a bit of the old... then.

Just... just to make sure they honour the claim.

But apart from that, it's normal all the way.

Right. Will that be all?

Oh, good lord, yes.

Sally, er...

Sally, when you, er, when you were in the, erm,

in the place that you were in, what sort of people were in there?

Well, I didn't really talk to anyone.

They all looked pretty desperate.

Uh-huh.

But no professional people, right?

Just low-income outcasts, and tramps and stuff?

Like the fellow who sleeps in the doorway

of the off-licence on the corner?

I'm sorry. Wait, you must have seen him.

He wears newspaper for clothes,

and he just sits there all day rocking backwards and forwards.

Just constantly rocking and rocking...

Just like the uncle whose name we were never allowed to mention.

Ah, yes, I think the editorial meeting's starting.

Come on, Sally. Telephone rings

ok, team. I'm not here.

That is to say, I am here.

I know exactly where I am at any given moment in time.

Oh, yes, don't you worry about that.

Carry on.

We were just deciding which story

to bung in our in-depth feature slot on Monday.

Between the economy, and law and order.

Let's go with law and order.

We'll do a big mop up, you know, ID cards, gun control.

Why can't the police catch any criminals?

Judges who give ludicrously-soft sentences.

Is the birch such a bad thing?

And let's focus on some of the more radical options, too,

like chemical castration. I'll research that.

Another biggie we need to talk through, is the interview with

Virginia bottomley on lottery funding.

Oh, yes, and this time, Henry,

please don't refer to the lottery as the "moron tax".

I'll say what I like.

You oily, little crapwit.

What did you say?

Oh, deaf, are we?

But then, your ears are probably clogged up,

because you spend so much time

with your head lodged up sir royston's arse!

Right, sunny Jim, you're fired!

Wrong. I resign.

I'm finally escaping this mausoleum of mediocrity.

I'm headed for a superbly-paid job at the BBC,

on a proper programme with my name in the title.

Where I shall take my rightful place

in the pantheon of quality broadcasting.

Let's carry on as normal.

We won't give him the satisfaction of a reaction.

Won't stoop to his childish level.

Right, erm... he growls angrily

good riddance, baldy!

I tell you, his face kept changing colour

like a squid on heat.

Oh, I wish you had been there.

Oh, so do I, pal, so do I.

Platt chuckles

so, when do I come in for a meeting with your producer?

Sorry? For the flagship programme, you know, the job?

What job? You know, the job?

You said you were going to retire.

Did I?

You crafty bastard.

Do you know, those were my exact words 25 years ago

when I heard what you'd been up to with my wife.

But you said you'd forgiven me.

Oh, you really must listen more carefully, Henry.

What I actually said was, "it was a very long time ago."

Now, if you'll excuse me,

it's bad for my image to be seen with an unemployed has-been.

Good luck with the alimony.

Here, have a read of that.

You'll probably be selling it next week.

Slow, tense music

ok, miss Cooper, do you think you see the man who robbed you?

Ok, then.

Just go up to him and tap him gently on the shoulder.

Yes!

Ooh!

You punched him?

Yes. The detective inspector said it was the best-timed punch

he'd ever seen. I don't know where it came from, just pure rage.

And you broke this man's jaw?

In two places. Nice one.

And then they called an ambulance... yes.

..And sent him off to hospital. Yes.

And at what point did the police tell you

that he wasn't the suspect?

Well, when they charged me with assault, really.

They were very sympathetic,

but they said they had no option given that the man was a...

She sobs shakily: A police superintendent!

Well, who'd have thought miss goody two-shoes

would end up with a criminal record?

David!

The amount of times she's taken disciplinary action against me

for being irresponsible... Will you shut up?

The woman is upset. Have you no scruples?

Well, I don't know, have you? I know, let's do a survey

of the colleagues whose wives you've shafted.

Pete, Steve...

I said shut it! High-pitched: Ooh!

I-I thought you might like a nice cup of tea.

What are you doing here?

You really fell for my practical joke, didn't you?

Me pretending to resign.

You know what I'm like,

my sense of humour's a bit perverse sometimes.

Would you like some hobnobs as well?

Am I to take it, Henry,

that your prize job at the BBC has failed to materialise?

And you, with all your financial problems.

Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.

Well, I'm a merciful man.

I'm prepared to let you stay on...

Oh, thank you, Gus.

..If you agree to a 50% cut in wages.

Fif...

Oh, agreed.

And to accept a certain amount of multi-skill.

Multi-skilling, of course.

In that case, Henry,

I think you'll find the drains need unblocking.

Maintenance will give you the rubber gloves.

Er, Gus?

Just to say I'm sending Helen home. She seems a bit upset.

Absolutely. Anything you say, generalissimo.

She hums happily and how's Sally this fine morning?

Much improved, thank you.

That's for being so supportive.

You know, I've been through a very rocky period recently,

but coming back to the familiar environment of globelink,

well, it's reassured me that I'm as sane as the next person.

Yes, it's good to be home.

Well, she seems on the up.

Yes, I can't pretend I'm not relieved.

The idea of mental thinginess always makes me feel uncomfortable.

Well, it's a perfectly normal human reaction.

Of course it is. You're quite right.

It's a perfectly normal reaction

to fear the gaping moor of the silent madness monster.

What is it?

It's a writ.

She's suing us for �300,000,

for mental distress brought on by an unreasonable workload.

Oh, well.

Nice to see her back to her old self again.

TV: 'One morning I woke to be told that he'd had a stroke.'

oh, god, he's gonna break into

a bloody country and Western song now.

We've had old boys cleaning cars, widows handing him ribbons.

It's like an episode of the waltons.

What's the director doing?

If Blair's doing well, you cut to Prescott forcing a smile

and clare short looking like she's chewing a wasp.

Everyone knows that. What are you doing?

Dave's running a book on which noun Blair uses the most.

So far, the score is "vision" - three,

"potential" - three, and "achievement" - 16.

And I've got "achievement".

What did George go for?

Er, "socialism".

Sweet. Mm...

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