All language subtitles for Drop The Dead Donkey s05e01 Inside The Asylum.eng

Theme music plays

tyres screech

ah, yes. The traditional black BMW,

going straight through a red light.

Feel better about being

woefully inadequate in bed now, do we?

Out! She gasps

she gasps get out!

She screams

ow!

She screams

get out!

Where are the cameras? Is it the bill?

My neighbour got paid to be
an extra on that. 40 quid.

Tyres screech

what is it, the bill? Or thief takers?

She inhales sharply this is real life!

Real life? Nah, never heard of it.

Blood hell, there's a turn up.

Major's just announced a
nationwide gun amnesty.

I never saw that. Yeah, as from Monday,

anyone with a gun can hand
it in at any police station

anywhere in the country,
absolutely no questions asked.

Provided they shoot 50
cows on the way in.

Yeah, very funny.

You wouldn't joke about bse
if you'd just been lumbered

with composing the copy on
the latest non-development.

I wish they'd make up their
minds about this bloody cull.

It's been on-off, on-off more
times than a bishop's underpants.

Morning, George, how are you?

Oh, can't complain.

Good, then, don't!

I developed a new symptom
over the weekend.

Really?

Yes, for some reason, I get
this strange shooting pain

all down my left-hand
side whenever I do this.

Erm, under what circumstances would
you need to do that, George?

I'm not sure, but you never know.

Strange pain down your
left-hand side, you say?

Yes. You know, I think I read somewhere

that's the first symptom
of the deadly ebola virus.

That is a dreadful thing
to do to a hypochondriac.

Yeah, well, he asks for it.

Look, there is no need to take
it out on George just because...

I don't wanna talk about it, ok?

Distant laughter who's that with Henry?

Desmond platt. What, the Desmond platt?

Yep. Brilliant journalist. One
of my heroes. Him, Warren beatty

and whoever invented that
chocolate body spray.

Then you said to profumo...
platt chuckles

"don't worry, John,

"anyone with the good sense to shag
Christine Keeler gets my vote."

Platt laughs

oh, how we all laughed, eh?
Platt chuckles

apart from MacMillan, of course.

And mrs profumo.

She didn't seem to see the funny side.

Henry laughs

so, what do I owe the
honour of this visit?

Well, I just popped by to
put a proposition to you.

Confidentially. Only, I've heard
you've got some financial problems.

Oh, well, let's just say
it's been a very bad year.

I managed to get some
money out of barings,

but then I invested it
in Morgan grenfell.

Now I'm being sued for getting
behind on my alimony.

Mm. By which wife? The first two. Ah.

Well, I think I may
have the answer. Oh?

The beeb have been pestering me

to front this new flagship
current affairs programme,

but, er, well, to be
honest, I've had enough.

I'm retiring. What, you're kidding?

No, I've lost it.

For instance, last Tuesday, I was
interviewing, erm, er, oh...

Er... the prime minister...

..And I couldn't even be
bothered to taunt him

with the latest opinion polls.

So I'm calling it a day.

But I don't want them choosing
some prepubescent paxman clone

to front the programme.

So, I said they should ask you.
And they've agreed.

So, the job's yours if you want it.
What do you say?

We have to be very
careful over the wording

on this Neil Hamilton libel case.

So, erm, bung a few "allegedlys"
in there, will you?

And see if you can find a photo that
makes him look less smug and shifty.

Oh, yeah, right, give
me the easy ones (!)

That was Helen, she's
at the police station.

Someone stole her car at gunpoint.
Is she ok?

Well, she sounds a bit shocked.
She's not sure if she'll come in.

What, just because she's
had a gun pointed at her?

Well, if I stopped work every time
someone pointed a gun at me...

Will you stop this sulkfest, ok?

It's not our fault that Gus has
banned you from doing any reports.

Yeah, well, it's a disgrace.

All because of a slight
error of judgement.

A slight error of judgement?

I was merely trying to expose
how criminally easy it is

to smuggle weapons-grade plutonium

out of one of our
nuclear installations.

Damien, they had to
evacuate great yarmouth...

..In the holiday season.

We are being sued by 20 hotels,

52 boarding houses and a winkle stall.

Morning, George. Morning, Dave.
Morning, joy.

Damien, the bins need emptying.

Where's Helen? Oh, er, she's
at the police station.

Someone stole her car at gunpoint.
Oh. I see.

Well, what time will she be in?

Well, I'll give her a ring, shall I?
Tell her to get a move on (!)

No, David, that might
be a bit insensitive.

Now, as you know, I'm not here.

But I just want to make one
important announcement,

because today, of course,
we welcome back Sally.

After her... her... Nervous breakdown.

Yes, thank you, George.
Obviously, when she comes in,

Sally will be feeling
exposed and vulnerable.

But the sympathetic team
feedback we must give her

is that we are not at all
embarrassed by her, you know...

Ok, team, that's enough bonding.
George, can we mind meld?

I wonder what sort of state
Sally's gonna be in.

I felt rather sorry for her
when we found her on the roof,

singing hits from Oklahoma.

You don't think it was
my practical joke

with the hidden video
camera down the toilet

that pushed her over the edge, do you?

Dave, you've no need to feel guilty.
So, it wasn't that, then?

No, it was, but you've
no need to feel guilty.

Ok, then, so that's agreed.

No newscasts to include
any of the adverbs

I've identified on this
list as being too downbeat.

Are you with me, George?

Oh, I'm sorry, Gus.

I was just thinking about Helen.

Oh, don't you worry,
George, she'll be ok.

Helen's as tough as old boots.

Well, that's the upside
of being a lesbian.

It's poor, fragile, little
Sally I'm worried about.

Six weeks she's been away.

Oh, she'll be fine. And
you're quite right

to tell everyone to just
treat her normally.

So many people attach this silly
stigma to mental illness.

Which is absurd,

because lots of us suffer from
it at one time or another.

I don't know why I'm telling you this.

What's that supposed to mean?
Well, I mean, you know,

a while back, you had
that two-month spell.

In a health farm, it was a health farm!

I know... I will not have you
insinuate that I have, at any time,

been ensnared by the lurking octopus
of insanity! Is that clear?

Yes, Gus.

You'll think about it, will you?

Only, don't hang about,

otherwise auntie will give it to
Reeves and Mortimer, or somebody.

Well, it's very good to see
you after all these years.

Platt chuckles you be in touch, right?

Bye-bye. Bye.

Oh, love to imogen. Will do, bye-bye.

Have you heard about poor Helen?

Some bloke nicked her car at gunpoint.

What, is she ok?

Yeah, just a bit shaken up, I think.
Are you ok?

Desmond's just offered
me the job of my dreams.

Prime slot, salary that
makes my palms sweat.

It's just...

Well, just what? Why are
you even hesitating?

Well, it's just, when we were young
reporters, we were best mates,

but, erm...

Tell me, Dave,

you've slept with a friend's wife
behind his back, haven't you?

I might have.

Dave, even as I speak,

I can see one, two,
three of the poor...

J-j-just...

..Keep your voice down.

Well, when you two-time
a friend like that,

you feel bad, don't you?

Oh, yeah, terrible.

Exactly. I mean, there were
mitigating circumstances, of course.

He was away, and she was lonely.

One night, she and I got drunk

and rogered each other to
a standstill, as you do.

But I... I've never been proud of it.

Now, he's been really kind,
virtually handed me this plum job.

Can I accept it without telling
him about me and his wife?

Well, you can see my
dilemma, can't you?

Erm...

Excuse me, David.

Sally! How... how's things?

Things are fine. Good. Good. That
that's how things should be.

Sally!

Fantastic.

Oh, it's great to have you
back, isn't it, everybody?

Man off-screen: Yeah.

How's things?

Fine. That's what we like to hear.

That's the sort of things we like.
Fine ones, yes, indeedy.

Everything nice and normal.

Welcome back, Sally.

How's things?

Fine.

Well... I feel a bit strange.

You probably don't
want to talk about it.

No, on the contrary.

The doctor said it would be
therapeutic to talk about it.

Oh...

They said that when I was admitted,
I was completely incoherent.

I just kept shouting some
gibberish about a toilet.

And then there were times

they really thought I
was losing my mind.

Yes, well, I must get cracking.

I've got some resource outsourcing
strategies to package.

Great to see you, Sally.

Well, er, you take things easy.

Don't try to do too much.

Yeah, right, some danger!

Looking nice and relaxed.

Gus mentioned you're on Prozac.
Are they helping?

Well... I feel calmer.

Good.

Do they do them in soluble form?

So, er, why the summons?

Well, we see so little of
each other these days,

I just thought it'd be nice to chat.

And, erm...

Well, actually, there is something
I've been meaning to tell you.

It concerns you, actually.

Imogen and me.

In 1971, you were away
and she was lonely.

And so she and I got drunk
and rogered... erm...

..Reached out for each other.

We slept together.

I've always meant to tell you, but...

I've known for years, Henry.

You have? Oh, yes.

So... so, you don't mind?

Oh, Henry.

It was a very long time ago.

He laughs

god, that's such a relief.

It's always worried me.

When you offered me
that job, well, I...

Yes, what's your verdict on that?
I'll take it. Oh, brilliant.

Of course, you're gonna have
to break the news to Gus.

I know, and it will be the
most pleasurable experience

I've had since Michael Howard
came to be interviewed

and I accidentally let the
door swing back in his face.

Cheers.

Yet some nutcase goes berserk!

I'm sorry, but with respect,
you're talking bollocks.

You see, membership of the gun
clubs is carefully screened,

and tight safety rules are
observed at all times.

We shoot at cardboard targets
set at a regulation distance.

Live ammunition is limited
and has to be signed for.

Everyone has to wear ear defenders.
Then...

He clicks .. "Bam"!

Oh, the feeling of power you get

as those bullets race from your
fist at twice the speed of sound.

Pounding into their targets like
a knife through butter. Ah!

He exhales

you see?

So, is there any news on the car?

No, police reckon they
may have a suspect.

I am dreading the ID parade.

Were there any witnesses?
Just one little old lady.

Could she give a description?

Yes, the only problem was it was
of grant Mitchell from Eastenders.

Oh! I keep seeing that gun.

God, I was scared.

And now, I feel...

I don't know, a mixture of
shock and fury, I suppose.

That's the trouble about being a woman.

It's so difficult for
us to vent our anger.

Is it?

Well, we can't do it through
physical violence the way men can.

Can't we?

No.

You see, Gus is having a
little chat with Sally.

Nice to see everyone
being so supportive.

After all, there but for
the grace and all that.

Did you know that one in four people

experience some form of mental illness?

God, this office must distort
the national average.

And it's an interesting
philosophical question, isn't it?

Who can really say they're sane?

Well, I can.

Oh, I see, compulsive control freaks

are the norm on your planet, are they?

Oh, I'm compulsive, am I?

So, the gambling-addicted
totty-holic says I'm compulsive?!

All right, that is
quite enough, you two.

Are you all right, Henry?

Oh, I'm all right, dear
girl, why do you ask?

Well, it's just... You're smirking.

Am I? Oh, yes, so I am!

I just wanted to say that
there's no stigma attached

to what you've been going through.

So you just relax and
carry on as normal,

which you are, so you just
carry on being normal.

Except, possibly when the man from
our insurers comes on Thursday,

it would be handy if you could
give us a bit of the old... then.

Just... just to make sure
they honour the claim.

But apart from that,
it's normal all the way.

Right. Will that be all?

Oh, good lord, yes.

Sally, er...

Sally, when you, er, when
you were in the, erm,

in the place that you were in,
what sort of people were in there?

Well, I didn't really talk to anyone.

They all looked pretty desperate.

Uh-huh.

But no professional people, right?

Just low-income outcasts,
and tramps and stuff?

Like the fellow who
sleeps in the doorway

of the off-licence on the corner?

I'm sorry. Wait, you
must have seen him.

He wears newspaper for clothes,

and he just sits there all day
rocking backwards and forwards.

Just constantly rocking and rocking...

Just like the uncle whose name we
were never allowed to mention.

Ah, yes, I think the editorial
meeting's starting.

Come on, Sally. Telephone rings

ok, team. I'm not here.

That is to say, I am here.

I know exactly where I am at
any given moment in time.

Oh, yes, don't you worry about that.

Carry on.

We were just deciding which story

to bung in our in-depth
feature slot on Monday.

Between the economy, and law and order.

Let's go with law and order.

We'll do a big mop up, you
know, ID cards, gun control.

Why can't the police
catch any criminals?

Judges who give
ludicrously-soft sentences.

Is the birch such a bad thing?

And let's focus on some of the
more radical options, too,

like chemical castration.
I'll research that.

Another biggie we need to talk
through, is the interview with

Virginia bottomley on lottery funding.

Oh, yes, and this time, Henry,

please don't refer to the
lottery as the "moron tax".

I'll say what I like.

You oily, little crapwit.

What did you say?

Oh, deaf, are we?

But then, your ears are
probably clogged up,

because you spend so much time

with your head lodged
up sir royston's arse!

Right, sunny Jim, you're fired!

Wrong. I resign.

I'm finally escaping this
mausoleum of mediocrity.

I'm headed for a superbly-paid
job at the BBC,

on a proper programme with
my name in the title.

Where I shall take my rightful place

in the pantheon of
quality broadcasting.

Let's carry on as normal.

We won't give him the
satisfaction of a reaction.

Won't stoop to his childish level.

Right, erm... he growls angrily

good riddance, baldy!

I tell you, his face
kept changing colour

like a squid on heat.

Oh, I wish you had been there.

Oh, so do I, pal, so do I.

Platt chuckles

so, when do I come in for a
meeting with your producer?

Sorry? For the flagship
programme, you know, the job?

What job? You know, the job?

You said you were going to retire.

Did I?

You crafty bastard.

Do you know, those were my
exact words 25 years ago

when I heard what you'd
been up to with my wife.

But you said you'd forgiven me.

Oh, you really must listen
more carefully, Henry.

What I actually said was, "it
was a very long time ago."

Now, if you'll excuse me,

it's bad for my image to be seen
with an unemployed has-been.

Good luck with the alimony.

Here, have a read of that.

You'll probably be
selling it next week.

Slow, tense music

ok, miss Cooper, do you think
you see the man who robbed you?

Ok, then.

Just go up to him and tap
him gently on the shoulder.

Yes!

Ooh!

You punched him?

Yes. The detective inspector
said it was the best-timed punch

he'd ever seen. I don't know where
it came from, just pure rage.

And you broke this man's jaw?

In two places. Nice one.

And then they called
an ambulance... yes.

..And sent him off to hospital. Yes.

And at what point did
the police tell you

that he wasn't the suspect?

Well, when they charged
me with assault, really.

They were very sympathetic,

but they said they had no option
given that the man was a...

She sobs shakily: A
police superintendent!

Well, who'd have thought
miss goody two-shoes

would end up with a criminal record?

David!

The amount of times she's taken
disciplinary action against me

for being irresponsible...
Will you shut up?

The woman is upset.
Have you no scruples?

Well, I don't know, have you?
I know, let's do a survey

of the colleagues whose
wives you've shafted.

Pete, Steve...

I said shut it! High-pitched: Ooh!

I-I thought you might
like a nice cup of tea.

What are you doing here?

You really fell for my
practical joke, didn't you?

Me pretending to resign.

You know what I'm like,

my sense of humour's a
bit perverse sometimes.

Would you like some hobnobs as well?

Am I to take it, Henry,

that your prize job at the BBC
has failed to materialise?

And you, with all your
financial problems.

Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.

Well, I'm a merciful man.

I'm prepared to let you stay on...

Oh, thank you, Gus.

..If you agree to a 50% cut in wages.

Fif...

Oh, agreed.

And to accept a certain
amount of multi-skill.

Multi-skilling, of course.

In that case, Henry,

I think you'll find the
drains need unblocking.

Maintenance will give
you the rubber gloves.

Er, Gus?

Just to say I'm sending Helen home.
She seems a bit upset.

Absolutely. Anything you
say, generalissimo.

She hums happily and how's
Sally this fine morning?

Much improved, thank you.

That's for being so supportive.

You know, I've been through a
very rocky period recently,

but coming back to the familiar
environment of globelink,

well, it's reassured me that I'm
as sane as the next person.

Yes, it's good to be home.

Well, she seems on the up.

Yes, I can't pretend I'm not relieved.

The idea of mental thinginess
always makes me feel uncomfortable.

Well, it's a perfectly
normal human reaction.

Of course it is. You're quite right.

It's a perfectly normal reaction

to fear the gaping moor of
the silent madness monster.

What is it?

It's a writ.

She's suing us for �300,000,

for mental distress brought on
by an unreasonable workload.

Oh, well.

Nice to see her back
to her old self again.

TV: 'One morning I woke to be
told that he'd had a stroke.'

oh, god, he's gonna break into

a bloody country and Western song now.

We've had old boys cleaning cars,
widows handing him ribbons.

It's like an episode of the waltons.

What's the director doing?

If Blair's doing well, you cut
to Prescott forcing a smile

and clare short looking
like she's chewing a wasp.

Everyone knows that.
What are you doing?

Dave's running a book on which
noun Blair uses the most.

So far, the score is "vision" - three,

"potential" - three, and
"achievement" - 16.

And I've got "achievement".

What did George go for?

Er, "socialism".

Sweet. Mm...

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