Original subtitles

And now, drop the dead donkey.

This episode was first broadcast in December '94,

in a week when the war intensified in chechnya

and Douglas Hurd was accused

of acting unlawfully over the pergau dam affair.

Close as you can, Gerry, that's it.

And it is the construction of this conveyor belt

which has so infuriated local residents.

Argh!

For goodness sake, Gerry, what's the matter?

My arm! Well, never mind your arm!

Point the camera at me, we'll turn it into a tracking shot.

And it is the construction of this conveyor...

Oh, forget it, I look ridiculous.

Henry, I have just seen your obituary for Keith Joseph.

Do you really think it's appropriate to have

'they're coming to take me away, ha-ha'

as... as the background music?

Good morning, teamsters.

I hope we're giving plenty of airtime to Tony Blair.

Yes.

Tony's views on Europe make a lot of sense.

This conversion to the virtues of Tony Blair

is a bit sudden, isn't it?

Could it have anything to do with major's electoral chances

now being gloomier than an estate agent's in chechnya?

I really don't know what you're talking about, Helen.

Though I admit I was present at one of sir royston's

high-powered dinner parties,

where I heard sir royston, tiny rowland and Rupert Murdoch

all remark that he's turned the labour party

into a modern, market-led, mogul-friendly bunch of fellows.

Bell!

So let's stress how Tony's got a superb raft of ideas.

Several rafts, in fact,

which he's lashed together into a pontoon of excellence.

Gus, I'm sorry.

I am sorry, Gus, but you have to die.

It's a mercy killing.

A brain as damaged as yours cannot sustain life as we know it.

Office humour, Henry, excellent.

That was not office humour, Gus. That was abuse,

intended to highlight what a total twat you are!

Terrific! Every workplace needs a Jester!

Quite right, too.

The surgeon general in America has been fired

for saying schoolchildren should be taught to masturbate.

God almighty,

only the bloody Americans would need classes in how to do it!

Bunch of morons!

Ok, what's the problem?

You've been like a bear with a sore head for days now.

Well...

You won't believe this, Dave, but, er, ten days ago,

I pulled this extraordinarily voluptuous air stewardess.

We went back to her place. And, well...

..I couldn't.

Couldn't?

You know, the cage was open, but the beast stayed asleep.

Well, it was probably just the one time.

No, on all 17 occasions since then, it's been the same.

17 occasions?!

I keep trying in the hope that next time it'll be ok.

Well, look, I did have a similar problem a few years ago,

only very briefly, mind.

And because it seemed to be a psychological problem,

I was sent to see this specially-trained counsellor.

And did it help? Um, yeah, sort of.

Ended up pulling his wife.

I could give you his number if...

Everyone, if I could have your attention for a nanosecond or three,

I'd like you all to meet Nicky peel, our new weathergirl.

Now, she's a Christian who believes in old-fashioned values,

a bit like Tony Blair.

I'd just like to say that it's a privilege

and an honour to be working here.

Does this mean Alice has been sacked?

Yes, Alice is indeed now occupationally challenged.

But then, as we read in a certain tabloid,

she did see fit to engage in extramarital sex

with another member of staff.

And from now on, that will be a disciplinary offence.

Welcome aboard, my dear.

I'm something of a meteorologist myself.

In fact, I've always enjoyed

a warm front passing across my more southerly districts.

He chuckles

oh, sorry, work calls.

Force of habit, no bloody point now.

Hi, Dave charnley. Good to see you.

You'll be sitting round there.

Incidentally, Helen, I got your memo about Henry.

And what exactly is this living legends programme?

A new series, a sort of this is your life,

only more upmarket.

More upmarket than this is your life?

Gosh!

Basically, Michael buerk surprises well-known figures

in their workplace and Henry is their first subject.

Splendid! Loads of PR pixie points to globelink, eh?

This is a very drab running order.

Do we really want item three to be the floods?

After all, it's only Scotland.

It's dreadful, isn't it?

All those people forced out of their homes at Christmas.

Perhaps we could organise a collection.

Oh, she seems like a really squeaky clean goody-goody two shoes.

Great, I like a challenge.

Oh, please, you are sad and pathetic.

All right, all right, just cos you've never taken your genitalia

out of the wrapper doesn't mean you can have a go at me.

Listen, the fact that I am not dominated by sex

doesn't make me abnormal.

No, it's all your other problems that make you abnormal.

Henry, this Michael Howard interview,

you won't mimic his accent this time, will you?

Just try to be polite to him, ok?

I'll never be able to keep it up.

Joy sniggers

oh, thanks, Dave Thanks a lot

What was that all about?

Henry's upset cos we all know he's impotent.

We don't all know, joy.

How did this get round? I told Helen in confidence.

Yeah, well, I just told joy in confidence.

Yeah, well, I just told the office in confidence.

You might as well stick it up on the noticeboard

One step ahead of you, George.

Well, I think you're all being very insensitive.

Impotence is very common and very depressing.

It's something that makes you feel helpless and inadequate.

Apparently.

Listen, George is right. Let's all show a bit of sensitivity, huh?

I don't want anyone upsetting Henry any more.

Is that clear? And that includes you, Sally.

Please, George, would I do something like that?

Good.

As if I would take advantage of a desperately sad medical condition

to humiliate someone. What do you take me for?

Sorry.

Dempster, dempster...

Right, Gus wants us to cover Fergie kissing an aids victim.

I kissed an aids victim once.

They're very touchy.

He took exception to my mask and rubber gloves.

What's up with you?

I think I'm in shock.

I went out with our new weathergirl last night.

It was unbelievable.

Look, I don't wanna know, ok? She is totally depraved.

Look, I said I don't wanna know!

She only wanted to have sex in the fast lane of the m4.

So?

Without a car!

I tell you, that woman is addicted to danger.

It's absolutely terrifying. I made my excuses and left.

Told her I was allergic to tarmac.

Um, when you say addicted to danger...

..What do you mean, exactly?

I mean that beneath that girl-next-door exterior

lurks a grade-a nutter.

Now, I am perfectly prepared to sleep with a woman who is drunk,

on the rebound, emotionally vulnerable,

but I draw the line at someone who is disturbed.

I'm not a complete bastard.

I mean, she actually suggested we screw

in the polar bear enclosure at whipsnade zoo.

Can you imagine that?

Damien?

Sorry, I was miles away.

And if you could maybe wear your new suit, Henry, you know,

with your old school tie.

Oh, for god's sake, stop insulting my intelligence, George!

I know what this is all about,

the living legends lot are gonna surprise me!

Oh...

Well, it's bound to be terrific, Henry.

I expect they'll have dug up

all sorts of important figures from your past.

Yes, like gladstone and disraeli.

It'll be nice, won't it?

I think they're bringing your daughter over.

Which one, goneril or regan?

The one from Australia!

Only cos someone else is paying.

Do you know who she married, George? She married a chartered surveyor,

who makes floral-painted waste baskets as a hobby.

She said she wanted a man who made her feel comfortable.

I told her, why not just buy a pair of slippers and a vibrator?

After that, she wouldn't talk to me for the rest of the wedding day.

But, um...

No, George, I won't do it!

The whole programme sounds like slushy rubbish!

I'm warning you, I'll just tell them to get lost!

I thought he'd be flattered.

Well, well, well. What do you know?

Sir royston has just made a speech, praising Tony Blair

and extolling the morality of yesteryear.

Yes, sir royston's calling for a return to the sense of community

he remembers from his childhood days in the poverty-stricken east end.

What, the east end of the riviera?

His family were rolling in it. His father made a fortune

selling armaments during the second world war.

Well, if, as you say,

his father made a contribution to the war effort,

then I'm sure it was much appreciated.

Oh, it was. Goering was very grateful.

With respect, Helen,

I don't think that was the case

as it's not mentioned in sir royston's authorised biography.

It is true because I happen to know...

If it's not in his biography, then it did not happen!

Do I make myself clear?!

Hi.

Hi.

Lovely weather.

Yes, but turning gloomy towards the end of the week.

Listen, Damien, I have to say this,

I really enjoyed your report from that firefight in bihac.

The way you stood there, doing your piece to camera,

while the bullets flew around you.

And when that armoured vehicle exploded,

well, I was very impressed.

Really? Oh, yes.

Can I do 30 of this?

It's a speech by portillo and we're out of bog paper.

He knows all about this living legend thing tomorrow.

However did he find out?

Well, I just told Dave in confidence.

Well, I just told... Oh, never mind.

So, you liked my bihac report.

It was very dangerous.

Yes, I know.

But some of us like danger.

Indeed.

I, er, I wish you wouldn't stare at me like that.

I can't help myself.

And neither can you.

You don't fancy a trip to whipsnade, do you?

Right, you two, now, put that behind my desk,

so I can feel him smiling down on me.

Have you seen this map that graphics have done for the chechnya story?

Look at the names of these places. Ossetia. Ingushetia.

Dagestan... They're making it up.

Mozdok.

It's a planet in flash Gordon, isn't it?

You ok? Yeah. No, I'm a bit...

I'm just finding it hard to concentrate because...

Well, because of Nicky.

Oh, I get it.

At long last, you can hear your libido

knock-knock-knocking against the inside of your underpants.

I can't stop thinking about her.

It's a bit scary.

Listen, don't be scared. Just make a move.

If you find out she feels the same way about you,

then it's chocks away. Lose your cherry time.

I think my cherry may have been lost.

You're kidding.

You mean you...

I was a bit scared, you know.

Well, partly because it was my first time.

Partly because of the polar bears.

You had sex in the polar bear enclosure?

Uh-huh.

Then on a runway at Heathrow.

And in a passport photo booth at euston station.

Nah, you're making it up.

Bloody hell!

Damien, this woman is addicted to doing it in dangerous public places

where you could get caught at any second.

Yes.

Bloody tube!

Platform was packed, indicator board was broken.

The only way you know if a train is coming

is when the rats come charging out of the tunnels!

Ah, who left this pirelli calendar on my desk?

New press release about this lottery winner.

Oh, god. What would you do with 17 million quid, George?

Well, you know, I've been thinking about this one and I reckon

I'd lash out on that rather nice hedge strimmer I've had my eye on.

Do you know what really gets my goat about this lottery?

You run out of sugar on a Saturday afternoon,

you nip to the corner shop,

and it takes you 43 bloody minutes to get to the head of the queue!

Henry, why don't you sit this one out until you're a little less...

A little less what?!

Well, purple.

Right, another statement from sir royston.

Ja wohl!

Will you stop doing that every time I mention sir royston?

I will not have us fuelling these irresponsible innuendos.

Yes, after all, if it became public knowledge that sir royston's dad

was a Nazi-sympathising arms dealer,

then Tony Blair might think twice about getting into bed with him.

You know, Helen,

you shouldn't tar others with the brush of your cynicism.

Oh, and, incidentally, I want a full inquiry

into who drew those extra teeth on my portrait of Tony Blair.

Henry, I, er...

I wonder if I could trouble you for some advice.

What sort of advice?

Well, I'm feeling a bit out of my depth at the moment.

You see, I'm sexually-involved with this woman

and I'm wondering whether to get out

because it's like I'm not in control any more.

It's like I'm being taken over by this overpowering feeling

of sexual desire,

and this electricity between us

means that we just can't keep our hands off each other,

and we just keep losing ourselves

in the oblivion of wild, dangerous, animalistic sex.

You... cruel bastard!

What?

Well, that's nice You ask someone for a bit of advice...

Hi.

What are you doing lunchtime? I've booked somewhere.

Hello, you two.

You working on something?

Yes, go away.

You know, call me a sentimentalist,

but I think there's a bit of a romantic spark

between our Damien and little Nicky.

You seem a bit restless, Henry.

All right, when are they gonna turn up?

Who?

Michael buerk and the living legends crowd.

Oh, don't worry, I cancelled that.

You cancelled it?

Well, obviously, given that you were so offended by the idea of it.

They're doing Alan whicker instead.

Oh, good! That will be much more riveting, won't it

30 minutes of nauseating slush about an unctuous prat...

Whose only recent journalistic investigation has been

up the diamond-studded arses of the rich and famous!

Hellfire and damnation, I need a Brandy!

He didn't want you to cancel it.

But he said he did.

Yes, well, he meant the opposite of what he said.

Meant the opposite?

Oh, for goodness' sake!

What is the point of having a language

if people don't use it properly?

Ok, pergau dam latest.

Hurd says just because he's been found guilty

of pinching �34 million,

it's no reason to pay it back.

We'll give this one to Damien. Where is Damien?

He's been wandering around like a space cadet recently.

Any idea why?

Yes. He has finally located his libido,

courtesy of our wholesome new weathergirl.

You are kidding! No.

How do you know?

Damien told Dave in confidence.

Sounds like a right pervy relationship to me.

You know, desperate knee-tremblers in public places.

I feel sorry for Damien, really.

Some men suppress their sexuality for so long

that they end up all twisted and strange. Mm.

Meaning what, exactly?

Nothing. I didn't mean anything.

I don't want to hear any more tittle-tattle about people

who are twisted and strange and lonely.

Now, for god's sake, let's just concentrate on the task in hand.

What was that about?

God knows. He overheard us gossiping about Nicky and Damien.

Oh. You've noticed mr cupid's little arrows as well, have you?

Yes. Nice to see two young people walking

hand-in-hand down the yellow brick road of romance.

Really rather sweet, isn't it?

Groaning

now? Yes! Yes! No!

Both scream

now, joy, next time I'm on the phone to sir royston,

don't hover behind me,

humming 'Deutschland, Deutschland uber alles'.

Is that clear?

Otherwise, you'll see in the new year as a statistic.

Go ahead and fire me, Gus.

But remember, I know where you live.

So, how's love's young dream?

What?

You and Nicky.

Bit of magic there, I think.

Wouldn't surprise me if you two took the plunge.

Everything ok, Nicky? Oh, yes.

Lovely.

Listen, Damien, about the bungee jump...

It was exciting, wasn't it?

Yes, it was. It was very exciting, but...

I'm sorry I was sick.

Oh, that's ok.

Look, I just wanted to say that I'm sorry.

What?

Well, I've been using you.

It's unforgivable.

No problem, I don't mind. Use me any time you like. That's ok.

No. No, it's not fair on you.

What I do, well, it's an illness, really.

You see, some people, frightened people,

scared of real relationships, just take refuge in loveless

- physical encounters... - I heard that.

You'll be hearing from my solicitor.

Poxy little thing's gone dead on me!

Oh, something wrong with your computer, Henry?

We'd better go and fetch the technician.

I've just got to beat this problem.

Yes. Yes, absolutely.

I've tried everything. Psychotherapy, hypnosis...

Well, maybe... no.

What?

Well, it's just a thought,

but maybe in order to fully exorcise this awful affliction,

you need to commit one final ultimate, dangerous...

Public act.

The technician's here, Henry.

Yes, the technician's here, Henry.

Damn thing is still playing up.

Probably something to do with your floppy, Henry.

All right! So I'm impotent, ok?

I'm not dynamic and young,

like that prepubescent hologram Tony bloody Blair.

And, yes, any day now I shall probably be culled

by our beloved proprietor sir royston "firearms dealer"

because I'm sad,

I'm decrepit, and my Willy doesn't work any more!

Henry Davenport? Yes!?

You are this week's living legend.

He's very professional, that Michael buerk, isn't he?

Very calm. The way he just waited until Henry stopped sobbing.

All I can say is thank god it wasn't live.

Don't blame me. George told me he'd cancelled it.

Well, I uncancelled it.

Helen said that when Henry didn't want it,

what it really meant was that he did.

Mind you, maybe she didn't mean that when she said it.

Maybe she... yeah, yeah, yeah, George.

Shut up.

'Who's in for a surprise on living legends?'

all a bit of a rush job in the end, wasn't it?

No problem. It's going to be splendid.

Yes, I agree, Tony Blair talks a lot of sense.

Yes.

Henry Davenport? Yes?

You are this week's living legend.

Oh, gosh. Me?

Henry, we're going to take you back through your...

Oh, yes, this is a golden opportunity to show the world,

and Tony, that we are a caring community

of moral, decent people,

all working together, bonding...

What the hell were those two doing?

And what are those two doing?

If you'll just excuse me a moment.

Oh, my god! What the...?

Well, erm, they're very much in the background.

Maybe no viewers will notice.

Phone rings

multiple phones ring

that'll be for you.

Right, Henry,

you'll be leading with British gas cutting wages

to make themselves more competitive.

Competitive? They're a bloody monopoly!

And how come competitive means cutting staff wages,

but raising executives' salaries?

Hypocritical reptiles!

You won't say that on air, will you?

Now, chechnya. We'll be looking at yeltsin's position...

I can tell you yeltsin's position -

under the bloody table with an empty vodka bottle in each hand!

Right. Then we'll be going over to the Dudley west by-election.

Would you just check the copy? Ok.

"First exit poles indicate a glorious triumph

"for Tony Blair's brave new forces of light"?

Oh, dear.

Gus has been fiddling with the autocue.

Subtitles by accessibility@itv.Com

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0