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'And now, drop the dead donkey.
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00:00:02,840 --> 00:00:05,759
'This episode was first
broadcast in November '94
3
00:00:05,760 --> 00:00:07,599
'in a week when two drunken etonians
4
00:00:07,600 --> 00:00:11,320
'broke into windsor castle and the
first national lottery took place.'
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00:00:48,200 --> 00:00:51,919
carrying this replica gun, I
have managed to gain access
6
00:00:51,920 --> 00:00:55,679
to a locomotive pulling a
train full of nuclear waste.
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00:00:55,680 --> 00:00:57,079
I've not been challenged.
8
00:00:57,080 --> 00:00:59,399
And yet this train has the potential
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00:00:59,400 --> 00:01:02,119
to devastate vast areas of our country
10
00:01:02,120 --> 00:01:04,799
with unimaginable loss of life.
11
00:01:04,800 --> 00:01:07,520
But just how worse can security get?
12
00:01:09,920 --> 00:01:12,079
Hello, I've managed to get
on board your train...
13
00:01:12,080 --> 00:01:14,199
Oh, my god!
..Carrying this, and...
14
00:01:14,200 --> 00:01:17,040
Commotion and clattering no!
15
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Shit!
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Damien!
It's all right, Gerry.
17
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I mean, one of these has to
be the brake, doesn't it?
18
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We just passed through a red light.
Yes. All right, all right!
19
00:01:35,760 --> 00:01:37,199
We're speeding up, Damien!
20
00:01:37,200 --> 00:01:39,840
Look! Are you just going to
stand there and criticise?!
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00:01:42,120 --> 00:01:45,559
Ok. Um. I tell you what, Gerry,
you stay here, I'll go for help.
22
00:01:45,560 --> 00:01:47,519
Well, what do you mean,
you'll go for help?
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00:01:47,520 --> 00:01:49,679
I mean, how can you go for...
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Damien?!
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00:01:53,280 --> 00:01:54,800
Damien!
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00:01:58,040 --> 00:02:01,559
There's this. Jonathan aitken
calling the European union,
27
00:02:01,560 --> 00:02:03,359
"sluggish and complacent".
28
00:02:03,360 --> 00:02:06,399
Well, maybe they haven't
paid his hotel bill yet.
29
00:02:06,400 --> 00:02:07,719
Anything else?
30
00:02:07,720 --> 00:02:10,799
Well, there's this odd story
about a deserted nuclear train
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that ran into some buffers.
32
00:02:16,120 --> 00:02:18,039
David, what are you doing
in Henry's drawer?
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00:02:18,040 --> 00:02:21,159
I'm looking for my a to
z, Henry had it last.
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00:02:21,160 --> 00:02:22,719
Will you look at this stuff!
35
00:02:22,720 --> 00:02:27,519
Ginseng, vitamin e
supplement, the joy of sex.
36
00:02:27,520 --> 00:02:30,080
Oh, look, he's made lots of
corrections in the margin.
37
00:02:31,440 --> 00:02:33,279
This is just like when you were a child
38
00:02:33,280 --> 00:02:35,719
and you used to creep into
your parents' bedroom.
39
00:02:35,720 --> 00:02:38,479
Oh, yeah! And you'd put on
your mum's suspender belt
40
00:02:38,480 --> 00:02:40,359
and climb into her bed.
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Sink your head deep into the pillow,
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drinking in that just-slept-in
aroma that, oh, made you feel...
43
00:02:49,960 --> 00:02:51,559
So, er, shall we make a start?
44
00:02:51,560 --> 00:02:54,159
Er, yes, let's. Where's Sally?
45
00:02:54,160 --> 00:02:56,359
Oh, she's shooting her
fitness video this morning.
46
00:02:56,360 --> 00:02:57,679
Fitness video, Sally?! Yeah.
47
00:02:57,680 --> 00:03:01,639
Apparently, it's all about how top
news people have to be really fit.
48
00:03:01,640 --> 00:03:05,119
You, too, could have a body
like Nicholas witchell.
49
00:03:05,120 --> 00:03:10,359
30 years in front of the camera."
50
00:03:10,360 --> 00:03:12,639
Jesus, Henry's writing
his autobiography.
51
00:03:12,640 --> 00:03:14,999
Doesn't look very long for 30 years.
52
00:03:15,000 --> 00:03:16,920
Well, that's probably
all he could remember.
53
00:03:17,920 --> 00:03:19,199
This is just the index.
54
00:03:19,200 --> 00:03:21,399
Look at this stuff! MacMillan, Harold.
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00:03:21,400 --> 00:03:23,159
Munroe, Marilyn.
56
00:03:23,160 --> 00:03:24,999
Pot, pol.
57
00:03:25,000 --> 00:03:28,639
Parkinson, Cecil. See also
child support agency.
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00:03:28,640 --> 00:03:31,719
Yeah, if we've quite finished
cataloguing all Henry's possessions,
59
00:03:31,720 --> 00:03:32,919
then perhaps we can get on.
60
00:03:32,920 --> 00:03:35,559
Now, lead story has got to be this.
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00:03:35,560 --> 00:03:39,199
A brussels' directive on the
genetic purity of acorns.
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It uses the wording of some
German law brought in by Hitler.
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00:03:42,240 --> 00:03:45,959
Oh, terrific! The new
regulation euro oak -
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00:03:45,960 --> 00:03:48,919
blonde leaves on every branch
that goes out at this angle.
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00:03:48,920 --> 00:03:51,799
Before you know it, they'll
be growing nearest the pool
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00:03:51,800 --> 00:03:54,559
of every hotel on the mediterranean.
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00:03:54,560 --> 00:03:56,999
Morning, headline honchos!
68
00:03:57,000 --> 00:03:59,759
Are we mustard-gassing the opposition?
You bet!
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00:03:59,760 --> 00:04:03,599
What's this? Another hot
dispatch from scoopsville?
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00:04:03,600 --> 00:04:06,839
Apparently, Henry is
writing his autobiography.
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00:04:06,840 --> 00:04:10,959
Really? Terrific. Um...
Any mention of globelink?
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00:04:10,960 --> 00:04:13,359
Um... yeah, quite a bit.
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00:04:13,360 --> 00:04:14,559
Excellent.
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00:04:14,560 --> 00:04:16,879
Well, I'm sure he must be
dwelling on our successes.
75
00:04:16,880 --> 00:04:18,599
So, quite a few mentions?
76
00:04:18,600 --> 00:04:20,879
Looks like a couple of hundred pages.
77
00:04:20,880 --> 00:04:23,679
He must be dwelling on our
successes at some length, then.
78
00:04:23,680 --> 00:04:24,959
Henry in yet?
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00:04:24,960 --> 00:04:27,440
No, not yet. Excellent. Terrific.
80
00:04:28,920 --> 00:04:32,279
Are you all right, George? Not really.
81
00:04:32,280 --> 00:04:34,999
It's this newsnight
interview on Wednesday.
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00:04:35,000 --> 00:04:38,239
I've got to go on and talk
about the future of TV news.
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00:04:38,240 --> 00:04:43,719
Place your orders now for the great
George's newsnight cock-up video.
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00:04:43,720 --> 00:04:47,319
George, it's only an
interview, you'll be fine.
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Was it right to reply
where you sweated so much
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00:04:49,640 --> 00:04:51,240
that you fused the microphone?
87
00:04:52,720 --> 00:04:55,079
? If I was a rich man
ba-da-boo-da-boo... ?
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00:04:55,080 --> 00:04:56,959
Ooh, you're in a good mood!
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00:04:56,960 --> 00:04:58,479
Indeed, I am. I'm the sort of mood
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00:04:58,480 --> 00:05:01,639
that a eunuch who has just heard
about microsurgery would be in.
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00:05:01,640 --> 00:05:04,359
Henry! Talking of eunuchs...
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00:05:04,360 --> 00:05:06,960
Henry! Mate, I... laughs
93
00:05:08,160 --> 00:05:10,519
I, um... I just wanted to
say in an off-the-record,
94
00:05:10,520 --> 00:05:12,039
completely without prejudice,
95
00:05:12,040 --> 00:05:14,639
two old muckers just chewing
over the fat kind of way,
96
00:05:14,640 --> 00:05:17,759
that, well, we're both
batting for the same team.
97
00:05:17,760 --> 00:05:20,679
And when the chips are down, which
they are not, but if they ever were,
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00:05:20,680 --> 00:05:23,039
we know that neither of
us would do anything
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that might upset the apple cart.
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Cos the team's been good to
us, and so has the applecart.
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00:05:28,680 --> 00:05:32,319
And we wouldn't want it running
over the team's chips.
102
00:05:32,320 --> 00:05:34,599
Well, I, er, I, um, I
hope you remember that,
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00:05:34,600 --> 00:05:36,839
just in case you, um,
well, you ever need to.
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00:05:36,840 --> 00:05:39,519
Gus, you've obviously heard
I've written my autobiography
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and yes, you are in it.
Oh, am I? Terrific!
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Forced laughter
107
00:05:44,360 --> 00:05:46,599
not all bad I hope, eh?
108
00:05:46,600 --> 00:05:49,719
Oh! Let's see, um... Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba...
109
00:05:49,720 --> 00:05:53,639
Hedges, Gus. Ah-ha, ah-ha...
nope, it's all bad.
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Ha! Good old Henry, always joshing!
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00:05:56,960 --> 00:05:58,640
Terrific.
112
00:06:01,120 --> 00:06:03,399
I think this book's marvellous, Henry.
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00:06:03,400 --> 00:06:07,199
It was like an opportunity to
look back and reassess one's life
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00:06:07,200 --> 00:06:10,279
with the benefit of
wisdom and experience.
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00:06:10,280 --> 00:06:12,599
Sod that, it's a chance
to make some bloody cash.
116
00:06:12,600 --> 00:06:14,759
God knows I need it.
Especially since I got pissed
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and sailed the old bosanquet
and came to that sewage works.
118
00:06:17,440 --> 00:06:19,319
You must have made a
fortune over the years?
119
00:06:19,320 --> 00:06:21,879
I did, but I've got damn
all to show for it now.
120
00:06:21,880 --> 00:06:24,759
What with the alimonies,
the cars, the women.
121
00:06:24,760 --> 00:06:26,400
You know how it is, George.
122
00:06:28,320 --> 00:06:30,039
But it's my time to look to the future,
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00:06:30,040 --> 00:06:32,759
and this book is gonna be
my personal pension plan.
124
00:06:32,760 --> 00:06:35,279
Have you seen all these
new phone services?
125
00:06:35,280 --> 00:06:37,759
I mean, for instance, now,
when your phone rings,
126
00:06:37,760 --> 00:06:40,439
it can display the number
of the person calling you.
127
00:06:40,440 --> 00:06:44,959
Oh, no. Now I'll never be able
to get through to my doctor.
128
00:06:44,960 --> 00:06:47,799
Right. The lottery.
129
00:06:47,800 --> 00:06:52,119
Ah, what a wonderful symbol of
what our society has become.
130
00:06:52,120 --> 00:06:55,599
There is a 14 million-to-one
chance of hitting the jackpot
131
00:06:55,600 --> 00:06:58,159
and people are flocking
round newsagents
132
00:06:58,160 --> 00:07:00,879
like Tory mps round an arms dealer.
133
00:07:00,880 --> 00:07:04,439
And at the centre of it
all, Noel bloody edmonds,
134
00:07:04,440 --> 00:07:07,319
poncing about like some hideous cross
135
00:07:07,320 --> 00:07:10,280
between god and Peter stringfellow.
136
00:07:11,760 --> 00:07:14,799
While people are reduced to
tears of joy at being chosen
137
00:07:14,800 --> 00:07:18,439
to pull the handle that operates
a machine that selects the balls
138
00:07:18,440 --> 00:07:21,359
that will make somebody else rich.
139
00:07:21,360 --> 00:07:24,000
So, you didn't win anything, then? No.
140
00:07:25,240 --> 00:07:28,759
Henry! Just a thought I wanted
to pop into your fish bowl
141
00:07:28,760 --> 00:07:30,079
to see if it blows bubbles.
142
00:07:30,080 --> 00:07:31,759
Henry sighs
143
00:07:31,760 --> 00:07:34,279
I'm a bit short of bedtime readings.
144
00:07:34,280 --> 00:07:36,719
So, perhaps you'd like me to
just run my eye over your book,
145
00:07:36,720 --> 00:07:39,439
suggest a few, ooh, little cuts maybe?
146
00:07:39,440 --> 00:07:41,919
Frankly, Gus, I would rather
give my daughter to Alan Clark
147
00:07:41,920 --> 00:07:45,519
than you this book. I'm not
showing it to a living soul.
148
00:07:45,520 --> 00:07:47,480
Oh, still in with a chance there, Gus.
149
00:07:48,960 --> 00:07:52,759
Mr Davenport, hi, I'm Amy
Potter, the new reporter.
150
00:07:52,760 --> 00:07:54,399
I just wanted to say,
151
00:07:54,400 --> 00:07:56,919
I've been a big fan of
yours since I was a kid.
152
00:07:56,920 --> 00:07:59,759
It was watching your
reports from Afghanistan
153
00:07:59,760 --> 00:08:01,559
that made me want to be a reporter.
154
00:08:01,560 --> 00:08:03,159
Oh, those old things! You know,
155
00:08:03,160 --> 00:08:05,679
I'm not sure they deserved
quite so many prizes.
156
00:08:05,680 --> 00:08:08,079
And now I hear you've
written your autobiography,
157
00:08:08,080 --> 00:08:11,639
I bet it's fantastic. Well,
perhaps you'd like to read it?
158
00:08:11,640 --> 00:08:14,359
I'd be most interested to
know what you think of it.
159
00:08:14,360 --> 00:08:16,079
Really? Mm-hm.
160
00:08:16,080 --> 00:08:17,879
Thank you. Thank you, very much.
161
00:08:17,880 --> 00:08:21,399
I can't believe I'm actually
working with Henry Davenport.
162
00:08:21,400 --> 00:08:24,280
I'm sure I'm going to
pick up so much from you.
163
00:08:25,320 --> 00:08:26,960
Yeah, like herpes!
164
00:08:30,640 --> 00:08:33,479
Honestly, that idiot cameraman!
165
00:08:33,480 --> 00:08:36,239
I have spent the whole morning
doing pelvic thrusts.
166
00:08:36,240 --> 00:08:38,039
I just don't understand it!
167
00:08:38,040 --> 00:08:39,519
Every time I thought we'd finished,
168
00:08:39,520 --> 00:08:41,479
something seemed to be the
wrong with the camera
169
00:08:41,480 --> 00:08:42,879
and I'd have to do them all again!
170
00:08:42,880 --> 00:08:46,359
You should bring out a fitness
video, Henry. You could call it
171
00:08:46,360 --> 00:08:48,719
fornicate your way to
fitness and health.
172
00:08:48,720 --> 00:08:50,279
You could bring it out with your book.
173
00:08:50,280 --> 00:08:52,399
What book? My autobiography.
174
00:08:52,400 --> 00:08:55,799
What's it called, Jurassic park?
175
00:08:55,800 --> 00:09:00,319
You may scoff, but I'm getting
an advance of �100,000.
176
00:09:00,320 --> 00:09:02,199
? If I was a rich man... ?
177
00:09:02,200 --> 00:09:04,479
So, what's he said about me?
178
00:09:04,480 --> 00:09:06,440
Let's see.
179
00:09:08,480 --> 00:09:13,119
Smedley, Sally. "Trod
on by Fergie, 214.
180
00:09:13,120 --> 00:09:16,319
"False imprisonment of
cleaning lady, 312.
181
00:09:16,320 --> 00:09:19,799
"Hair lacquer superglue hoax, 326.
182
00:09:19,800 --> 00:09:22,119
"Maastricht, 31..." Maastricht?
183
00:09:22,120 --> 00:09:24,399
Oh, that'll be when Sally
misread the autocue
184
00:09:24,400 --> 00:09:27,119
and announced to a waiting
nation that the government
185
00:09:27,120 --> 00:09:29,879
had finally agreed to ratify
the maastricht tea tray.
186
00:09:29,880 --> 00:09:31,919
He can't do this!
187
00:09:31,920 --> 00:09:33,839
"Recipe books, 317.
188
00:09:33,840 --> 00:09:36,679
"Lorry drivers, 342..." What?!
189
00:09:36,680 --> 00:09:41,439
"343, 344, 367 to 412..."
190
00:09:41,440 --> 00:09:45,439
Gus! Gus! "Appendix a."
191
00:09:45,440 --> 00:09:47,919
That decrepit, old, letch
is going to publish
192
00:09:47,920 --> 00:09:50,199
a lot of vicious lies
about my sex life.
193
00:09:50,200 --> 00:09:52,040
Dear, dear!
194
00:09:53,000 --> 00:09:57,639
You know, if I were in your shoes
Sally, I'd consider libel action.
195
00:09:57,640 --> 00:10:00,719
Henry's got major money problems,
he couldn't risk losing.
196
00:10:00,720 --> 00:10:02,439
But what if I lose?
197
00:10:02,440 --> 00:10:04,239
But you can't lose.
198
00:10:04,240 --> 00:10:06,999
What Henry's written about
you is untrue, isn't it?
199
00:10:07,000 --> 00:10:10,119
Well, yes, of course it is.
200
00:10:10,120 --> 00:10:11,999
So, you'll go ahead, then?
201
00:10:12,000 --> 00:10:16,240
I'll certainly give it some
serious consideration.
202
00:10:17,800 --> 00:10:20,719
"See also docker, 402.
203
00:10:20,720 --> 00:10:22,519
"Panel beaters, 473.
204
00:10:22,520 --> 00:10:26,079
"Millwall supporters, 547".
Yes, very amusing, David.
205
00:10:26,080 --> 00:10:29,239
Damien, I need you to cover
this new hospital story.
206
00:10:29,240 --> 00:10:31,639
Oh, give it to little Bo
peep over there, will you?
207
00:10:31,640 --> 00:10:33,439
I'm still working on this big
208
00:10:33,440 --> 00:10:36,079
how secure are our
public buildings piece.
209
00:10:36,080 --> 00:10:38,359
Ok. But I'm still dealing
with the complaints
210
00:10:38,360 --> 00:10:41,479
following the Anthrax alert
after your porton down report.
211
00:10:41,480 --> 00:10:43,559
I don't want any more two-headed sheep
212
00:10:43,560 --> 00:10:45,519
running into methodist chapels.
213
00:10:45,520 --> 00:10:49,639
Helen, responsibility is
my middle name. Yeah
214
00:10:49,640 --> 00:10:53,119
Just how well is the queen
protected here at sandringham?
215
00:10:53,120 --> 00:10:54,680
I aim to find out.
216
00:10:58,680 --> 00:11:02,799
Appallingly, I have managed to
reach sandringham house itself
217
00:11:02,800 --> 00:11:04,959
without being intercepted.
218
00:11:04,960 --> 00:11:09,839
Apart from one dog, which
was easy to disable.
219
00:11:09,840 --> 00:11:12,240
How much further can I get?
220
00:11:15,480 --> 00:11:17,799
The queen's bedroom.
221
00:11:17,800 --> 00:11:21,119
Well, I mean, this is
quite disgraceful.
222
00:11:21,120 --> 00:11:24,040
I mean, well, security
is so bad here that...
223
00:11:26,000 --> 00:11:29,079
..Well, look, there, you see.
224
00:11:29,080 --> 00:11:30,799
I am able to rummage through
225
00:11:30,800 --> 00:11:34,359
some of her majesty's
personal belongings.
226
00:11:34,360 --> 00:11:38,760
And even handle some of
her most precious...
227
00:11:44,480 --> 00:11:48,439
Actually, I think, perhaps, this
is princess Margaret's bedroom.
228
00:11:48,440 --> 00:11:50,919
Vibrator whirs
229
00:11:50,920 --> 00:11:52,840
'Somebody's coming.'
230
00:11:56,600 --> 00:11:58,599
'this is Lynn yates,
BBC news, sandringham.
231
00:11:58,600 --> 00:11:59,919
'And quite disgracefully,
232
00:11:59,920 --> 00:12:02,239
I've been able to get into
the queen's private...'
233
00:12:02,240 --> 00:12:05,479
you bitch, yates! Come
on, Gerry, let's go!
234
00:12:05,480 --> 00:12:07,799
And one can understand
the tories' desire
235
00:12:07,800 --> 00:12:09,679
for health service news blackout
236
00:12:09,680 --> 00:12:11,959
when the fact is, a man
has died here today
237
00:12:11,960 --> 00:12:14,919
because it took an ambulance
55 minutes to reach him.
238
00:12:14,920 --> 00:12:18,359
This is Amy Potter, globelink
news, south London.
239
00:12:18,360 --> 00:12:20,279
Well, what you think?
240
00:12:20,280 --> 00:12:22,039
It's good. Honest and gutsy.
241
00:12:22,040 --> 00:12:23,759
And I like the way you
weren't fobbed off
242
00:12:23,760 --> 00:12:25,479
by that twat from the health authority.
243
00:12:25,480 --> 00:12:27,239
It showed great maturity.
244
00:12:27,240 --> 00:12:29,239
How old are you, actually? 20.
245
00:12:29,240 --> 00:12:31,919
20, ooh!
246
00:12:31,920 --> 00:12:35,759
And how are you getting
on with my book?
247
00:12:35,760 --> 00:12:39,279
I'm halfway through already.
It's fantastic stuff.
248
00:12:39,280 --> 00:12:41,439
Like, the way you got that
film of the viet cong,
249
00:12:41,440 --> 00:12:43,359
by telling them you
were David Attenborough
250
00:12:43,360 --> 00:12:45,399
doing a piece on vietnamese
potbellied pigs!
251
00:12:45,400 --> 00:12:48,239
Well, I'd like to hear
more of your views.
252
00:12:48,240 --> 00:12:50,839
Perhaps, we could go out to
dinner some time to discuss it?
253
00:12:50,840 --> 00:12:52,359
I'd love to.
254
00:12:52,360 --> 00:12:55,280
Fine, I'll see if I can
find a free evening.
255
00:12:57,520 --> 00:12:59,360
Phones ring
256
00:13:03,080 --> 00:13:05,799
about this newsnight interview...
257
00:13:05,800 --> 00:13:07,919
George, you will be fine.
258
00:13:07,920 --> 00:13:10,679
You'll probably get someone
really nice like kirsty wark.
259
00:13:10,680 --> 00:13:13,319
Oh, I like her! She
helped me find the toilet
260
00:13:13,320 --> 00:13:17,399
in the middle of last year's current
affairs lecture at the rts.
261
00:13:17,400 --> 00:13:19,279
Who was giving that? I was.
262
00:13:19,280 --> 00:13:23,719
Still, kirsty wark.
That'd be all right.
263
00:13:23,720 --> 00:13:27,239
Heavens, you can win a lot of
money on this lottery, can't you?
264
00:13:27,240 --> 00:13:31,320
No, Sally, that's the head
of British gas' pay rise.
265
00:13:34,040 --> 00:13:37,399
Right, Turner prize. �20,000
has gone to a sculptor
266
00:13:37,400 --> 00:13:39,999
for a mould of his own
body, in concrete,
267
00:13:40,000 --> 00:13:41,919
called testing a world view.
268
00:13:41,920 --> 00:13:44,799
Typical! Do that 20 years
ago and they'd call it
269
00:13:44,800 --> 00:13:49,159
pissed, fell face down in wet
cement, and fine you 20 quid.
270
00:13:49,160 --> 00:13:52,359
Amy, could you join me
in my workspace a second
271
00:13:52,360 --> 00:13:53,919
to lock cerebellums?
272
00:13:53,920 --> 00:13:55,319
Yes.
273
00:13:55,320 --> 00:13:59,959
Damien, I still haven't seen any
footage on your security piece.
274
00:13:59,960 --> 00:14:01,599
Oh, it's working out very well.
275
00:14:01,600 --> 00:14:03,719
Well, at least you didn't
break into windsor castle
276
00:14:03,720 --> 00:14:06,559
like those two chaps from Eton.
Even you're not that irresponsible.
277
00:14:06,560 --> 00:14:08,719
Absolutely.
278
00:14:08,720 --> 00:14:11,799
I'm doing a piece analysing
security at Heathrow today.
279
00:14:11,800 --> 00:14:13,359
Ok, but, Damien... are you busy?
280
00:14:13,360 --> 00:14:14,399
Yes, I am. Only I just...
281
00:14:14,400 --> 00:14:16,879
Damien, I... George! It's
just that I've been thinking.
282
00:14:16,880 --> 00:14:19,879
What if kirsty's in a bad mood? Oh!
283
00:14:19,880 --> 00:14:22,119
What if she's crashed
her car this morning?
284
00:14:22,120 --> 00:14:24,999
What if she's just found her
boyfriend in bed with another woman?
285
00:14:25,000 --> 00:14:27,079
Francine stock, say.
286
00:14:27,080 --> 00:14:31,039
For god's sake, George! Look,
we'll do a dummy interview.
287
00:14:31,040 --> 00:14:33,999
I'll be kirsty wark and then you can
practice to your heart's content.
288
00:14:34,000 --> 00:14:35,559
Right.
289
00:14:35,560 --> 00:14:37,240
Helen sighs
290
00:14:38,320 --> 00:14:40,839
so, what colour shirt
do think I should wear?
291
00:14:40,840 --> 00:14:42,679
Fuchsia, George, bloody fuchsia.
292
00:14:42,680 --> 00:14:43,960
Right.
293
00:14:45,080 --> 00:14:48,879
I've just seen your report.
Terrific stuff.
294
00:14:48,880 --> 00:14:52,999
You're going to have a
great career in TV news,
295
00:14:53,000 --> 00:14:55,040
young, missy-my-lad.
296
00:14:56,720 --> 00:14:57,959
Thank you very much.
297
00:14:57,960 --> 00:15:00,039
There's just one tiny thing.
298
00:15:00,040 --> 00:15:03,919
At the moment, your report's
just a tad political.
299
00:15:03,920 --> 00:15:05,479
Political?
300
00:15:05,480 --> 00:15:07,719
Yes.
301
00:15:07,720 --> 00:15:10,319
Do we always have to drag
the state of the NHS
302
00:15:10,320 --> 00:15:12,720
into reports on hospital closures?
303
00:15:14,400 --> 00:15:16,679
What the viewer wants is drama.
304
00:15:16,680 --> 00:15:19,359
Brave surgeons in gowns,
305
00:15:19,360 --> 00:15:21,719
patients being rushed
through swing doors
306
00:15:21,720 --> 00:15:24,439
lots of machines going, "beep".
307
00:15:24,440 --> 00:15:26,559
But that didn't happen.
308
00:15:26,560 --> 00:15:30,319
That's your inexperience showing.
You see, a properly made news item
309
00:15:30,320 --> 00:15:32,519
can beat the pants off
the best TV drama.
310
00:15:32,520 --> 00:15:35,239
Well, look at Michael
prat's stuff from Ethiopia!
311
00:15:35,240 --> 00:15:37,199
I think you mean Michael buerk?
312
00:15:37,200 --> 00:15:38,840
Ah, yes.
313
00:15:40,400 --> 00:15:41,839
Have another go, hm?
314
00:15:41,840 --> 00:15:44,239
This time, drop in a couple of tragics
315
00:15:44,240 --> 00:15:45,839
and a heart-rending or two.
316
00:15:45,840 --> 00:15:51,239
You're asking me to jazz up this
story for the sake of entertainment?
317
00:15:51,240 --> 00:15:52,840
Hm.
318
00:15:54,040 --> 00:15:56,680
I'm sorry, I really don't
think I can do that.
319
00:15:58,400 --> 00:15:59,879
Well, let me see if I can help you
320
00:15:59,880 --> 00:16:02,439
by running through the
corporate structure,
321
00:16:02,440 --> 00:16:04,880
vis-a-vis the
management-worker symbiosis.
322
00:16:06,120 --> 00:16:08,919
We pay you money, you do what we say.
323
00:16:08,920 --> 00:16:10,280
Capiche?
324
00:16:13,120 --> 00:16:16,199
The advent of lighter, smaller cameras
325
00:16:16,200 --> 00:16:18,799
means news crews can
be much more mobile.
326
00:16:18,800 --> 00:16:21,959
But, mr dent, isn't there a danger
327
00:16:21,960 --> 00:16:24,359
that the speed with which
reports reach the screen
328
00:16:24,360 --> 00:16:26,639
leads to superficiality?
Oh, I don't think so.
329
00:16:26,640 --> 00:16:29,359
The arrival was...
Speech muffled by water
330
00:16:29,360 --> 00:16:31,000
George!
331
00:16:32,800 --> 00:16:34,999
What the hell are you doing?! Sorry.
332
00:16:35,000 --> 00:16:37,599
It's all these lights.
They keep confusing me.
333
00:16:37,600 --> 00:16:39,639
Oh, god, I'm losing the will to live.
334
00:16:39,640 --> 00:16:44,839
Helen, Heathrow's just reopened
after last night's security alert.
335
00:16:44,840 --> 00:16:47,680
Police now think that one of the
intruders was carrying a camera.
336
00:16:49,240 --> 00:16:51,919
All right, George. Onwards and upwards.
337
00:16:51,920 --> 00:16:55,519
Now remember, it's just a
question of ignoring kirsty here
338
00:16:55,520 --> 00:16:57,359
and saying what you want to say.
339
00:16:57,360 --> 00:17:01,119
And what if he doesn't get kirsty wark?
What if he gets paxman?
340
00:17:01,120 --> 00:17:02,640
Oh, my god!
341
00:17:04,480 --> 00:17:08,040
Irritable, um... excuse me.
Easy, easy, George!
342
00:17:08,960 --> 00:17:10,639
Paxman's no problem.
343
00:17:10,640 --> 00:17:12,119
Sharp laugh
344
00:17:12,120 --> 00:17:14,839
you don't think I'd be able
to cope with paxman, joy?
345
00:17:14,840 --> 00:17:18,439
No. Very well, you be Jeremy paxman,
346
00:17:18,440 --> 00:17:23,080
I'll be Gus hedges. Watch
and learn, George.
347
00:17:25,000 --> 00:17:29,559
I have with me Gus hedges, chief
executive of globelink news.
348
00:17:29,560 --> 00:17:33,759
Mr hedges, your network's a
bit of a shambles, isn't it?
349
00:17:33,760 --> 00:17:36,239
Pardon?!
350
00:17:36,240 --> 00:17:37,719
For a start, your efficiency drive
351
00:17:37,720 --> 00:17:39,519
meant production costs actually rose.
352
00:17:39,520 --> 00:17:41,199
It's all a bit of a cock-up, isn't it?
353
00:17:41,200 --> 00:17:45,279
Well, the benefit effects of the
restructuring... oh, come on!
354
00:17:45,280 --> 00:17:46,559
You've screwed it up!
355
00:17:46,560 --> 00:17:49,279
And what about your constant
meddling in editorial policy?
356
00:17:49,280 --> 00:17:50,719
That is not your job, is it?
357
00:17:50,720 --> 00:17:52,359
That's not the point. Yes, it is.
358
00:17:52,360 --> 00:17:55,119
You are constantly trying
to alter stories...
359
00:17:55,120 --> 00:17:56,799
That's just benefit analysis of what...
360
00:17:56,800 --> 00:17:59,879
Isn't it the case, that you are
merely sir roysten's puppet?
361
00:17:59,880 --> 00:18:01,119
Now, look here!
362
00:18:01,120 --> 00:18:03,719
If he's rod hull, that
makes you emu, doesn't it?
363
00:18:03,720 --> 00:18:07,959
Right! That's it! You're
bloody well fired, paxman!
364
00:18:07,960 --> 00:18:10,120
Mr hedges, thank you.
365
00:18:11,240 --> 00:18:13,999
Yes. Terrific.
366
00:18:14,000 --> 00:18:16,680
There we go, George. No problem!
367
00:18:18,040 --> 00:18:23,759
Oh, hell. Look, George, don't
worry, you will not get paxman.
368
00:18:23,760 --> 00:18:27,000
Well, I'm sure he does university
challenge on wednesdays.
369
00:18:27,920 --> 00:18:30,639
Oh, yes, of course!
370
00:18:30,640 --> 00:18:32,799
Thank god for that!
371
00:18:32,800 --> 00:18:36,399
Oh, that's better! I can feel
my normal colour coming back.
372
00:18:36,400 --> 00:18:38,319
Well, don't worry about that, George.
373
00:18:38,320 --> 00:18:39,800
They can fix that in make-up.
374
00:18:43,640 --> 00:18:45,679
Ah! The young Kate adie.
375
00:18:45,680 --> 00:18:47,039
Sorry, I'll go.
376
00:18:47,040 --> 00:18:49,159
No, no, don't rush away.
377
00:18:49,160 --> 00:18:52,879
Well, what do you think of the
rest of my autobiography?
378
00:18:52,880 --> 00:18:55,679
I bet you've finished it
already, haven't you?
379
00:18:55,680 --> 00:18:59,199
Yes, it's, er, it's... fine.
380
00:18:59,200 --> 00:19:02,160
"Fine"? It was "fantastic" before.
381
00:19:03,760 --> 00:19:06,319
I found the second half
a bit disappointing.
382
00:19:06,320 --> 00:19:08,359
Oh?
383
00:19:08,360 --> 00:19:10,639
Well, there's less of
you as a journalist
384
00:19:10,640 --> 00:19:13,679
and more and more about
your voice-overs
385
00:19:13,680 --> 00:19:16,439
and corporate presentations
and after-dinner speaking.
386
00:19:16,440 --> 00:19:17,879
Well, you have to do bit of that.
387
00:19:17,880 --> 00:19:20,599
But you don't seem to be
interested in news any more!
388
00:19:20,600 --> 00:19:22,479
I mean, you got that
interview with Clinton
389
00:19:22,480 --> 00:19:24,759
the day the middle east
peace accord was signed,
390
00:19:24,760 --> 00:19:27,999
and all you cared about was whether
gennifer flowers was a good shag.
391
00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:31,599
You're being a bit harsh, aren't you?
No! No, I'm not!
392
00:19:31,600 --> 00:19:34,279
You used to have such a great talent.
393
00:19:34,280 --> 00:19:37,039
Now, the end of your book is all about
394
00:19:37,040 --> 00:19:41,039
how Sally had sex with a
spot welder in a portaloo.
395
00:19:41,040 --> 00:19:44,359
No, that was the crane driver. The
spot welder was actually... see!
396
00:19:44,360 --> 00:19:45,999
But that's what brings
in the big money.
397
00:19:46,000 --> 00:19:47,839
No!
398
00:19:47,840 --> 00:19:49,919
God, these days, you're
no better than Gus!
399
00:19:49,920 --> 00:19:52,919
What?! You've barely got your
mother's tit out of your mouth
400
00:19:52,920 --> 00:19:54,399
and you are criticising me?!
401
00:19:54,400 --> 00:19:57,719
I'm a man who got the only interview
with the ayatollah khomeini
402
00:19:57,720 --> 00:19:59,479
during the revolution!
403
00:19:59,480 --> 00:20:01,880
And what did you do? Ask him
if he prefers going on top
404
00:20:04,240 --> 00:20:05,920
Door slams
405
00:20:07,280 --> 00:20:11,599
you won't to be so bloody precious
in a few years' time, you...
406
00:20:11,600 --> 00:20:14,279
Silly little girl.
407
00:20:14,280 --> 00:20:16,040
So, she wouldn't sleep you, then?
408
00:20:17,320 --> 00:20:19,359
People like her get right up my nose!
409
00:20:19,360 --> 00:20:21,199
Well, it won't be a problem
any more, will it?
410
00:20:21,200 --> 00:20:23,839
What do you mean? She
resigned this morning.
411
00:20:23,840 --> 00:20:25,439
She was in to clear her desk.
412
00:20:25,440 --> 00:20:26,999
What?
413
00:20:27,000 --> 00:20:31,040
Yeah, Gus asked her to make her
report more glitzy. She refused.
414
00:20:32,720 --> 00:20:34,400
Damn her!
415
00:20:38,000 --> 00:20:41,559
It will be ok, George. Just
don't let them push about.
416
00:20:41,560 --> 00:20:44,999
You know what they say, get
your retaliation in first.
417
00:20:45,000 --> 00:20:46,399
Yes, you're right.
418
00:20:46,400 --> 00:20:49,680
I'm George dent. And I'm
not scared of anyone!
419
00:20:51,720 --> 00:20:53,400
Evening, mr paxman.
420
00:20:54,720 --> 00:20:56,200
Thud
421
00:21:03,360 --> 00:21:04,800
Dave shushes team
422
00:21:11,040 --> 00:21:13,199
George?
423
00:21:13,200 --> 00:21:14,799
Yes, David?
424
00:21:14,800 --> 00:21:16,759
Stifles laughter
425
00:21:16,760 --> 00:21:19,560
what exactly is a dick bottom?
426
00:21:21,760 --> 00:21:23,119
I don't know.
427
00:21:23,120 --> 00:21:25,440
And why did you call kirsty wark one?
428
00:21:27,120 --> 00:21:29,279
Well, Helen told me to get
my retaliation in first,
429
00:21:29,280 --> 00:21:31,239
so I sort of did.
430
00:21:31,240 --> 00:21:33,640
George, all she'd said
was, "welcome, mr dent"!
431
00:21:35,680 --> 00:21:36,999
Shame it wasn't live.
432
00:21:37,000 --> 00:21:40,399
Never mind, should be worth a
few Bob from denis norden.
433
00:21:40,400 --> 00:21:44,279
Henry, just the man, we've got a
cracking story for your book.
434
00:21:44,280 --> 00:21:47,079
George... there isn't
going to be any book.
435
00:21:47,080 --> 00:21:49,759
What? Why not? I didn't
do as good a job
436
00:21:49,760 --> 00:21:51,839
as I hoped, that's all.
Oh, you're joking!
437
00:21:51,840 --> 00:21:53,199
You've got some great stories
438
00:21:53,200 --> 00:21:55,199
and last night, George
did this interview...
439
00:21:55,200 --> 00:21:57,480
There isn't going to be any
bloody book, all right?!
440
00:21:59,960 --> 00:22:02,439
Oh, I don't feel well!
441
00:22:02,440 --> 00:22:05,079
What's matter with you? I
thought you'd be pleased?
442
00:22:05,080 --> 00:22:08,879
But Henry has just voluntarily
given up �100,000.
443
00:22:08,880 --> 00:22:10,160
I need some air!
444
00:22:19,640 --> 00:22:21,799
Won't you have to give
back the advance?
445
00:22:21,800 --> 00:22:24,199
Yeah. 100 grand.
446
00:22:24,200 --> 00:22:26,000
And I've spent it all.
447
00:22:27,920 --> 00:22:30,600
What's happened? I re-read
my book last night.
448
00:22:32,040 --> 00:22:34,120
I used to have such a fire in my guts.
449
00:22:35,400 --> 00:22:38,199
But somewhere along
the way I've lost it.
450
00:22:38,200 --> 00:22:43,239
I try and cover it up by getting
pissed and chasing women.
451
00:22:43,240 --> 00:22:45,759
I'm pathetic!
452
00:22:45,760 --> 00:22:49,839
I even kid myself by wearing
this ridiculous wig.
453
00:22:49,840 --> 00:22:51,560
Is that a wig?
454
00:22:55,000 --> 00:22:57,239
I've ended up exactly
the sort of person
455
00:22:57,240 --> 00:23:00,679
I used to hate when I was young.
I don't want people to see that.
456
00:23:00,680 --> 00:23:02,159
But what about the money?
457
00:23:02,160 --> 00:23:04,079
Are you really ditching the whole book?
458
00:23:04,080 --> 00:23:07,679
Yeah. Well, all except the Sally stuff.
459
00:23:07,680 --> 00:23:10,719
I'm selling that to the tabloids.
460
00:23:10,720 --> 00:23:14,239
Just how good is security
here at chequers?
461
00:23:14,240 --> 00:23:17,400
Freeze! Grunting
462
00:23:20,040 --> 00:23:22,120
Pretty good, really.
463
00:23:24,880 --> 00:23:28,079
Right, joy, what feel-good
item are we leading on today?
464
00:23:28,080 --> 00:23:30,719
John Major losing his grip on power.
465
00:23:30,720 --> 00:23:33,959
Losing his grip on power?
He's totally secure.
466
00:23:33,960 --> 00:23:36,279
Just look at how many votes
of confidence he's had.
467
00:23:36,280 --> 00:23:39,079
Hasn't Naomi Campbell been
up to anything recently?
468
00:23:39,080 --> 00:23:40,599
No.
469
00:23:40,600 --> 00:23:42,919
The Tory vice-chairman
has had to resign.
470
00:23:42,920 --> 00:23:46,319
He called the Germans "warmongers"
and the French "collaborators".
471
00:23:46,320 --> 00:23:49,199
Well, find out why he had
resign and run it item three.
472
00:23:49,200 --> 00:23:51,279
Nothing a bit more feel-good?
473
00:23:51,280 --> 00:23:53,039
Liz Hurley getting mugged?
474
00:23:53,040 --> 00:23:55,039
That's "feel-good", is it?
475
00:23:55,040 --> 00:23:56,439
No, no, no. It is tragic.
476
00:23:56,440 --> 00:23:59,479
But we do have lots of
viewer-friendly footage of her
477
00:23:59,480 --> 00:24:02,359
in that dress. Don't look
at me like that, joy.
478
00:24:02,360 --> 00:24:04,400
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