Original subtitles

'And now, drop the dead donkey.

'This episode was first broadcast in November '94

'in a week when two drunken etonians

'broke into windsor castle and the first national lottery took place.'

carrying this replica gun, I have managed to gain access

to a locomotive pulling a train full of nuclear waste.

I've not been challenged.

And yet this train has the potential

to devastate vast areas of our country

with unimaginable loss of life.

But just how worse can security get?

Hello, I've managed to get on board your train...

Oh, my god! ..Carrying this, and...

Commotion and clattering no!

Shit!

Damien! It's all right, Gerry.

I mean, one of these has to be the brake, doesn't it?

We just passed through a red light. Yes. All right, all right!

We're speeding up, Damien!

Look! Are you just going to stand there and criticise?!

Ok. Um. I tell you what, Gerry, you stay here, I'll go for help.

Well, what do you mean, you'll go for help?

I mean, how can you go for...

Damien?!

Damien!

There's this. Jonathan aitken calling the European union,

"sluggish and complacent".

Well, maybe they haven't paid his hotel bill yet.

Anything else?

Well, there's this odd story about a deserted nuclear train

that ran into some buffers.

David, what are you doing in Henry's drawer?

I'm looking for my a to z, Henry had it last.

Will you look at this stuff!

Ginseng, vitamin e supplement, the joy of sex.

Oh, look, he's made lots of corrections in the margin.

This is just like when you were a child

and you used to creep into your parents' bedroom.

Oh, yeah! And you'd put on your mum's suspender belt

and climb into her bed.

Sink your head deep into the pillow,

drinking in that just-slept-in aroma that, oh, made you feel...

So, er, shall we make a start?

Er, yes, let's. Where's Sally?

Oh, she's shooting her fitness video this morning.

Fitness video, Sally?! Yeah.

Apparently, it's all about how top news people have to be really fit.

You, too, could have a body like Nicholas witchell.

30 years in front of the camera."

Jesus, Henry's writing his autobiography.

Doesn't look very long for 30 years.

Well, that's probably all he could remember.

This is just the index.

Look at this stuff! MacMillan, Harold.

Munroe, Marilyn.

Pot, pol.

Parkinson, Cecil. See also child support agency.

Yeah, if we've quite finished cataloguing all Henry's possessions,

then perhaps we can get on.

Now, lead story has got to be this.

A brussels' directive on the genetic purity of acorns.

It uses the wording of some German law brought in by Hitler.

Oh, terrific! The new regulation euro oak -

blonde leaves on every branch that goes out at this angle.

Before you know it, they'll be growing nearest the pool

of every hotel on the mediterranean.

Morning, headline honchos!

Are we mustard-gassing the opposition? You bet!

What's this? Another hot dispatch from scoopsville?

Apparently, Henry is writing his autobiography.

Really? Terrific. Um... Any mention of globelink?

Um... yeah, quite a bit.

Excellent.

Well, I'm sure he must be dwelling on our successes.

So, quite a few mentions?

Looks like a couple of hundred pages.

He must be dwelling on our successes at some length, then.

Henry in yet?

No, not yet. Excellent. Terrific.

Are you all right, George? Not really.

It's this newsnight interview on Wednesday.

I've got to go on and talk about the future of TV news.

Place your orders now for the great George's newsnight cock-up video.

George, it's only an interview, you'll be fine.

Was it right to reply where you sweated so much

that you fused the microphone?

? If I was a rich man ba-da-boo-da-boo... ?

Ooh, you're in a good mood!

Indeed, I am. I'm the sort of mood

that a eunuch who has just heard about microsurgery would be in.

Henry! Talking of eunuchs...

Henry! Mate, I... laughs

I, um... I just wanted to say in an off-the-record,

completely without prejudice,

two old muckers just chewing over the fat kind of way,

that, well, we're both batting for the same team.

And when the chips are down, which they are not, but if they ever were,

we know that neither of us would do anything

that might upset the apple cart.

Cos the team's been good to us, and so has the applecart.

And we wouldn't want it running over the team's chips.

Well, I, er, I, um, I hope you remember that,

just in case you, um, well, you ever need to.

Gus, you've obviously heard I've written my autobiography

and yes, you are in it. Oh, am I? Terrific!

Forced laughter

not all bad I hope, eh?

Oh! Let's see, um... Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba...

Hedges, Gus. Ah-ha, ah-ha... nope, it's all bad.

Ha! Good old Henry, always joshing!

Terrific.

I think this book's marvellous, Henry.

It was like an opportunity to look back and reassess one's life

with the benefit of wisdom and experience.

Sod that, it's a chance to make some bloody cash.

God knows I need it. Especially since I got pissed

and sailed the old bosanquet and came to that sewage works.

You must have made a fortune over the years?

I did, but I've got damn all to show for it now.

What with the alimonies, the cars, the women.

You know how it is, George.

But it's my time to look to the future,

and this book is gonna be my personal pension plan.

Have you seen all these new phone services?

I mean, for instance, now, when your phone rings,

it can display the number of the person calling you.

Oh, no. Now I'll never be able to get through to my doctor.

Right. The lottery.

Ah, what a wonderful symbol of what our society has become.

There is a 14 million-to-one chance of hitting the jackpot

and people are flocking round newsagents

like Tory mps round an arms dealer.

And at the centre of it all, Noel bloody edmonds,

poncing about like some hideous cross

between god and Peter stringfellow.

While people are reduced to tears of joy at being chosen

to pull the handle that operates a machine that selects the balls

that will make somebody else rich.

So, you didn't win anything, then? No.

Henry! Just a thought I wanted to pop into your fish bowl

to see if it blows bubbles.

Henry sighs

I'm a bit short of bedtime readings.

So, perhaps you'd like me to just run my eye over your book,

suggest a few, ooh, little cuts maybe?

Frankly, Gus, I would rather give my daughter to Alan Clark

than you this book. I'm not showing it to a living soul.

Oh, still in with a chance there, Gus.

Mr Davenport, hi, I'm Amy Potter, the new reporter.

I just wanted to say,

I've been a big fan of yours since I was a kid.

It was watching your reports from Afghanistan

that made me want to be a reporter.

Oh, those old things! You know,

I'm not sure they deserved quite so many prizes.

And now I hear you've written your autobiography,

I bet it's fantastic. Well, perhaps you'd like to read it?

I'd be most interested to know what you think of it.

Really? Mm-hm.

Thank you. Thank you, very much.

I can't believe I'm actually working with Henry Davenport.

I'm sure I'm going to pick up so much from you.

Yeah, like herpes!

Honestly, that idiot cameraman!

I have spent the whole morning doing pelvic thrusts.

I just don't understand it!

Every time I thought we'd finished,

something seemed to be the wrong with the camera

and I'd have to do them all again!

You should bring out a fitness video, Henry. You could call it

fornicate your way to fitness and health.

You could bring it out with your book.

What book? My autobiography.

What's it called, Jurassic park?

You may scoff, but I'm getting an advance of �100,000.

? If I was a rich man... ?

So, what's he said about me?

Let's see.

Smedley, Sally. "Trod on by Fergie, 214.

"False imprisonment of cleaning lady, 312.

"Hair lacquer superglue hoax, 326.

"Maastricht, 31..." Maastricht?

Oh, that'll be when Sally misread the autocue

and announced to a waiting nation that the government

had finally agreed to ratify the maastricht tea tray.

He can't do this!

"Recipe books, 317.

"Lorry drivers, 342..." What?!

"343, 344, 367 to 412..."

Gus! Gus! "Appendix a."

That decrepit, old, letch is going to publish

a lot of vicious lies about my sex life.

Dear, dear!

You know, if I were in your shoes Sally, I'd consider libel action.

Henry's got major money problems, he couldn't risk losing.

But what if I lose?

But you can't lose.

What Henry's written about you is untrue, isn't it?

Well, yes, of course it is.

So, you'll go ahead, then?

I'll certainly give it some serious consideration.

"See also docker, 402.

"Panel beaters, 473.

"Millwall supporters, 547". Yes, very amusing, David.

Damien, I need you to cover this new hospital story.

Oh, give it to little Bo peep over there, will you?

I'm still working on this big

how secure are our public buildings piece.

Ok. But I'm still dealing with the complaints

following the Anthrax alert after your porton down report.

I don't want any more two-headed sheep

running into methodist chapels.

Helen, responsibility is my middle name. Yeah

Just how well is the queen protected here at sandringham?

I aim to find out.

Appallingly, I have managed to reach sandringham house itself

without being intercepted.

Apart from one dog, which was easy to disable.

How much further can I get?

The queen's bedroom.

Well, I mean, this is quite disgraceful.

I mean, well, security is so bad here that...

..Well, look, there, you see.

I am able to rummage through

some of her majesty's personal belongings.

And even handle some of her most precious...

Actually, I think, perhaps, this is princess Margaret's bedroom.

Vibrator whirs

'Somebody's coming.'

'this is Lynn yates, BBC news, sandringham.

'And quite disgracefully,

I've been able to get into the queen's private...'

you bitch, yates! Come on, Gerry, let's go!

And one can understand the tories' desire

for health service news blackout

when the fact is, a man has died here today

because it took an ambulance 55 minutes to reach him.

This is Amy Potter, globelink news, south London.

Well, what you think?

It's good. Honest and gutsy.

And I like the way you weren't fobbed off

by that twat from the health authority.

It showed great maturity.

How old are you, actually? 20.

20, ooh!

And how are you getting on with my book?

I'm halfway through already. It's fantastic stuff.

Like, the way you got that film of the viet cong,

by telling them you were David Attenborough

doing a piece on vietnamese potbellied pigs!

Well, I'd like to hear more of your views.

Perhaps, we could go out to dinner some time to discuss it?

I'd love to.

Fine, I'll see if I can find a free evening.

Phones ring

about this newsnight interview...

George, you will be fine.

You'll probably get someone really nice like kirsty wark.

Oh, I like her! She helped me find the toilet

in the middle of last year's current affairs lecture at the rts.

Who was giving that? I was.

Still, kirsty wark. That'd be all right.

Heavens, you can win a lot of money on this lottery, can't you?

No, Sally, that's the head of British gas' pay rise.

Right, Turner prize. �20,000 has gone to a sculptor

for a mould of his own body, in concrete,

called testing a world view.

Typical! Do that 20 years ago and they'd call it

pissed, fell face down in wet cement, and fine you 20 quid.

Amy, could you join me in my workspace a second

to lock cerebellums?

Yes.

Damien, I still haven't seen any footage on your security piece.

Oh, it's working out very well.

Well, at least you didn't break into windsor castle

like those two chaps from Eton. Even you're not that irresponsible.

Absolutely.

I'm doing a piece analysing security at Heathrow today.

Ok, but, Damien... are you busy?

Yes, I am. Only I just...

Damien, I... George! It's just that I've been thinking.

What if kirsty's in a bad mood? Oh!

What if she's crashed her car this morning?

What if she's just found her boyfriend in bed with another woman?

Francine stock, say.

For god's sake, George! Look, we'll do a dummy interview.

I'll be kirsty wark and then you can practice to your heart's content.

Right.

Helen sighs

so, what colour shirt do think I should wear?

Fuchsia, George, bloody fuchsia.

Right.

I've just seen your report. Terrific stuff.

You're going to have a great career in TV news,

young, missy-my-lad.

Thank you very much.

There's just one tiny thing.

At the moment, your report's just a tad political.

Political?

Yes.

Do we always have to drag the state of the NHS

into reports on hospital closures?

What the viewer wants is drama.

Brave surgeons in gowns,

patients being rushed through swing doors

lots of machines going, "beep".

But that didn't happen.

That's your inexperience showing. You see, a properly made news item

can beat the pants off the best TV drama.

Well, look at Michael prat's stuff from Ethiopia!

I think you mean Michael buerk?

Ah, yes.

Have another go, hm?

This time, drop in a couple of tragics

and a heart-rending or two.

You're asking me to jazz up this story for the sake of entertainment?

Hm.

I'm sorry, I really don't think I can do that.

Well, let me see if I can help you

by running through the corporate structure,

vis-a-vis the management-worker symbiosis.

We pay you money, you do what we say.

Capiche?

The advent of lighter, smaller cameras

means news crews can be much more mobile.

But, mr dent, isn't there a danger

that the speed with which reports reach the screen

leads to superficiality? Oh, I don't think so.

The arrival was... Speech muffled by water

George!

What the hell are you doing?! Sorry.

It's all these lights. They keep confusing me.

Oh, god, I'm losing the will to live.

Helen, Heathrow's just reopened after last night's security alert.

Police now think that one of the intruders was carrying a camera.

All right, George. Onwards and upwards.

Now remember, it's just a question of ignoring kirsty here

and saying what you want to say.

And what if he doesn't get kirsty wark? What if he gets paxman?

Oh, my god!

Irritable, um... excuse me. Easy, easy, George!

Paxman's no problem.

Sharp laugh

you don't think I'd be able to cope with paxman, joy?

No. Very well, you be Jeremy paxman,

I'll be Gus hedges. Watch and learn, George.

I have with me Gus hedges, chief executive of globelink news.

Mr hedges, your network's a bit of a shambles, isn't it?

Pardon?!

For a start, your efficiency drive

meant production costs actually rose.

It's all a bit of a cock-up, isn't it?

Well, the benefit effects of the restructuring... oh, come on!

You've screwed it up!

And what about your constant meddling in editorial policy?

That is not your job, is it?

That's not the point. Yes, it is.

You are constantly trying to alter stories...

That's just benefit analysis of what...

Isn't it the case, that you are merely sir roysten's puppet?

Now, look here!

If he's rod hull, that makes you emu, doesn't it?

Right! That's it! You're bloody well fired, paxman!

Mr hedges, thank you.

Yes. Terrific.

There we go, George. No problem!

Oh, hell. Look, George, don't worry, you will not get paxman.

Well, I'm sure he does university challenge on wednesdays.

Oh, yes, of course!

Thank god for that!

Oh, that's better! I can feel my normal colour coming back.

Well, don't worry about that, George.

They can fix that in make-up.

Ah! The young Kate adie.

Sorry, I'll go.

No, no, don't rush away.

Well, what do you think of the rest of my autobiography?

I bet you've finished it already, haven't you?

Yes, it's, er, it's... fine.

"Fine"? It was "fantastic" before.

I found the second half a bit disappointing.

Oh?

Well, there's less of you as a journalist

and more and more about your voice-overs

and corporate presentations and after-dinner speaking.

Well, you have to do bit of that.

But you don't seem to be interested in news any more!

I mean, you got that interview with Clinton

the day the middle east peace accord was signed,

and all you cared about was whether gennifer flowers was a good shag.

You're being a bit harsh, aren't you? No! No, I'm not!

You used to have such a great talent.

Now, the end of your book is all about

how Sally had sex with a spot welder in a portaloo.

No, that was the crane driver. The spot welder was actually... see!

But that's what brings in the big money.

No!

God, these days, you're no better than Gus!

What?! You've barely got your mother's tit out of your mouth

and you are criticising me?!

I'm a man who got the only interview with the ayatollah khomeini

during the revolution!

And what did you do? Ask him if he prefers going on top

Door slams

you won't to be so bloody precious in a few years' time, you...

Silly little girl.

So, she wouldn't sleep you, then?

People like her get right up my nose!

Well, it won't be a problem any more, will it?

What do you mean? She resigned this morning.

She was in to clear her desk.

What?

Yeah, Gus asked her to make her report more glitzy. She refused.

Damn her!

It will be ok, George. Just don't let them push about.

You know what they say, get your retaliation in first.

Yes, you're right.

I'm George dent. And I'm not scared of anyone!

Evening, mr paxman.

Thud

Dave shushes team

George?

Yes, David?

Stifles laughter

what exactly is a dick bottom?

I don't know.

And why did you call kirsty wark one?

Well, Helen told me to get my retaliation in first,

so I sort of did.

George, all she'd said was, "welcome, mr dent"!

Shame it wasn't live.

Never mind, should be worth a few Bob from denis norden.

Henry, just the man, we've got a cracking story for your book.

George... there isn't going to be any book.

What? Why not? I didn't do as good a job

as I hoped, that's all. Oh, you're joking!

You've got some great stories

and last night, George did this interview...

There isn't going to be any bloody book, all right?!

Oh, I don't feel well!

What's matter with you? I thought you'd be pleased?

But Henry has just voluntarily given up �100,000.

I need some air!

Won't you have to give back the advance?

Yeah. 100 grand.

And I've spent it all.

What's happened? I re-read my book last night.

I used to have such a fire in my guts.

But somewhere along the way I've lost it.

I try and cover it up by getting pissed and chasing women.

I'm pathetic!

I even kid myself by wearing this ridiculous wig.

Is that a wig?

I've ended up exactly the sort of person

I used to hate when I was young. I don't want people to see that.

But what about the money?

Are you really ditching the whole book?

Yeah. Well, all except the Sally stuff.

I'm selling that to the tabloids.

Just how good is security here at chequers?

Freeze! Grunting

Pretty good, really.

Right, joy, what feel-good item are we leading on today?

John Major losing his grip on power.

Losing his grip on power? He's totally secure.

Just look at how many votes of confidence he's had.

Hasn't Naomi Campbell been up to anything recently?

No.

The Tory vice-chairman has had to resign.

He called the Germans "warmongers" and the French "collaborators".

Well, find out why he had resign and run it item three.

Nothing a bit more feel-good?

Liz Hurley getting mugged?

That's "feel-good", is it?

No, no, no. It is tragic.

But we do have lots of viewer-friendly footage of her

in that dress. Don't look at me like that, joy.

Subtitles by accessibility@itv.Com

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0