Original subtitles

'And now, drop the dead donkey.

'This episode was first broadcast in November '94, in a week

'when the Democrats lost the us mid-term elections for congress,

'and Bruce grobbelaar was alleged to have lost

'several football games for money.'

so, hands up all those who agree with Tom.

So there we are.

Let me remind you that this week on Davenport's dilemmas,

we are dealing with divorce.

Now, Leslie.

Leslie, your husband left you, how did you feel?

Shattered, Henry.

For weeks, I just cried and cried. Really?

I'd done nothing to deserve it, and yet I was totally abandoned.

Presumably old father time heals all wounds?

No. I still feel totally wretched.

If you're a 45-year-old divorcee, nobody is interested.

You're totally on the scrapheap.

Yes, Leslie, but on the other hand, you are a self-pitying whinger.

Sorry? Well, you might be.

Hands up all those men here

who wouldn't touch Leslie with a bargepole.

You see? You bring it on yourself, Leslie.

Let's be honest, you need a bit of personality

if you have a face like the back end of a basset hound.

I'm not sure Henry's quite got the knack of this one yet.

Well, just as well we're not broadcasting live.

Come on, let's go and stop it.

And hands up all those who think Peter's a pillock too.

Oh, stop blabbing, woman, and vote. Henry!

We've stopped. Oh, thank god for that.

I never wanted to do this pathetic, populist pap in the first place.

Henry. Television is no longer a corner store,

it's a hyper-mega market.

And if we want Connie consumer to slip her hand in the freezer cabinet

and pull us out, we've got to be the frozen peas

with a nice picture on the front and the 10 percent off coupon.

Hands up all those who couldn't understand a bloody word of that.

Shame.

I was hoping we were going to discover another kilroy.

The British population's only 60 million, Gus,

you're never going to find two people that smug.

Phone rings yeah?

George, it's for you. It's your scheming Polish fiancee.

Yes, thank you.

The one who's using your stupidity to get herself a British passport.

Yes, thank you, joy. Now, listen, everyone.

We're just gonna have to abandon Davenport's dilemmas.

Oh, what a shame

And concentrate on the new crime programme.

What new crime programme?

Crime time.

It's going to feature dramatic reconstructions

of violent, real-life crimes. Oh, yeah, cos no-one's ever

thought of doing that before, have they, Gus?

Damien and Sally will be presenting it.

Hang on, I'm Damien day.

I mean, I'm not sitting behind some desk.

My job is out in the field, reporting on the action.

You can be out in the field

reporting on the reconstruction of the action.

You should be used to that.

Sally. You didn't have to come in, what with the miscarriage and all.

That's history. But how do you feel?

I don't intend feeling anything any more, Helen.

I've tried it and I don't like it.

Right. I've been talking to Anna, and despite your attitude,

we've decided to invite you to the wedding after all.

It's ealing registry office, full morning dress,

and don't be late or you'll miss the buglers on the steps.

For me and Anna, it's going to be the first of many happy days.

Oh, George, you're more likely to find happiness

marrying imelda marcos.

That was a bit cruel, Dave.

Look, we all know that George is making a dreadful mistake.

If we're gonna stop him, we've got to hold the line.

Yes, you're absolutely right.

So we have to be cruel to be kind? Yes.

George, she's just an evil slut who's after your money.

Just doing my bit.

More on lady Porter and the homes for votes surcharge.

Oh, it's wonderful, isn't it?

Watching those bastards getting caught out

by their own vindictive legislation.

I can imagine a glorious future.

Michael Howard imprisoned for playing his mantovani too loud.

Locked in an overcrowded group 4 cell

with five 18-stone, bisexual squatters.

Virginia bottomley rushed to casualty needing a gallstone removed

and treated by Stan the short-sighted Porter,

who's got a cse in woodwork and a long pair of pliers.

Margaret Thatcher bankrupted by mark

and finally found absolutely bonkers,

swigging meths from a doorway in soho,

offering blow jobs to German tourists,

and demanding the right to buy a cardboard box.

Dave, what has got into you? What is it?

Oh, I don't know. I've just been thinking about things.

How I've never achieved anything useful.

So, when exactly is your birthday? Thursday.

Hang on, how did you know it was my birthday?

Men in their 30s always get very miserable before their birthdays.

It's called pmt. Pre-middle-aged tension.

Listen, sweetheart, I am 35 this week.

I'm probably halfway through my life.

No, Dave, you keep calling me "sweetheart",

and you're very, very near the end of it.

Dave...

So, chief inspector, was anyone shot in this robbery?

Three people? That's tremendous... ly brutal.

Dear, dear. This sounds like just the sort of robbery

we could assist you with on crime time.

Crimewatch have nabbed it? I see.

Best man?

I know you were a bit cruel to me back there,

but you've been a good mate to me over the years...

Phone rings hello?

Well, I'm not interested in your opinion, Sally, actually.

George, I... Dave. You may not realise this,

but my marriage to Margaret wasn't very happy.

But through all the agony and humiliation...

And all those other horrid things that happened to me,

I always knew that something wonderful

would come along to make up for all that misery.

And now something has.

Anna.

And it would mean a lot to me

if you were there at my side when we tie the knot.

Will you be my best man?

Well, I... it would mean the world to me.

All right. Thanks, mate.

It's just the usual best man duties, you know,

looking after the ring, organising the ushers.

Making sure the carriage

and the four white stallions turn up on time.

Of course, once we get to Hampton court palace,

all you have to do is make a speech.

You know, with some funny, embarrassing stories about me.

Do you think you could come up with any?

I'll do my best.

Honestly, there's not enough armed robberies to go around.

And they call this a crimewave!

Right, troops, let's talk running orders.

British companies have found oil beneath the Atlantic.

It makes a nice change from finding oil in the Atlantic.

George. Yes?

She's just a cheap slag.

Reuters have got this. Big armed robbery in dalston.

Right, Damien, get down there! You know what to do.

Yeah, sexy report for the lunchtime. Sod the report, sign up the rights.

Ok, everybody on the floor. Could I just have a word?

I'm not sure you're being quite as terrifying as you might.

Cut! Ok.

Look, do I really have to say,

"it was then that the fickle finger of fate,

"flicking through his London a-z,

"picked out a sleepy little post office in dalston?"

Sounds terrific, Damien. Now, you two...

Gus, I hate to remind you, but I am the director.

Oh, absolutely, Randolph.

Right, ok, let's walk it through from the entrance.

Though I do just have one suggestion.

Yes?

Perhaps one of the thugs could smash the old lady to the floor

with the butt of his shotgun.

But that didn't actually happen, did it?

Not as such. Though there's very little doubt

that these thugs would've done that if they'd thought of it.

I think we'll stick with what we've got.

Fine, fine. I'm not here. If only.

Now, I want you... How about if they cut off

one of her ears, like in reservoir dogs?

Or perhaps they could crucify her up on the wall above the sweet counter.

I don't think so, Randolph.

That would be a bit tasteless.

Right, you know,

we should ask why the tories put so many of their wives on quangos.

It's obvious.

So their wives are out while they're shagging their mistresses.

George, how's it going downstairs in Hollywood?

I don't know.

It all got rather noisy after Gus got hold of that bullhorn.

Dave, joy tells me it's your birthday tomorrow.

Yeah, look, I want to just forget about it.

Forget about it? Do you remember how we celebrated last year?

The black bull. That Greek place.

The pink pussycat. Someone's flat.

Then we ended up in trafalgar square riding three up on a lion.

With that Portuguese drag artist who fed champagne to his pig.

What a lunch hour that was, hey?

Henry... and then, in the evening,

you threw up in Groucho's.

Thank god Janet street-Porter had such a large handbag.

Henry! Yeah?

You've always lived your life a bit like me.

Now that you're older, a bit older,

don't you find that when you look back, you think,

"what a waste of time"?

Have you been reading the guardian?

Don't you feel time's running out and you've just lived for the moment

all your life, and all the women and horses and the rest of it

don't seem to add up to anything? And soon, you will be dead

and you will not leave behind the slightest imprint on this world?

Don't you feel that? No, no, no.

Everything's splendid.

You don't feel that at all?

No, I do not. I feel very happy.

Very content. Very, very bloody content indeed!

I suppose it's just me, then?

Joy, you're not gonna believe this,

but George has asked me to be a bridesmaid.

Yeah, and me. And me.

What did you say?

Well, I said I couldn't do it

because I promised to take Chloe to see my mum and dad.

I said I couldn't do it because it was a bloody stupid idea.

I said to ring my agent.

Yes, it's not quite a pool of blood, is it?

More sort of a puddle. Is it?

There was a lot more in reservoir dogs.

Will you please leave this to me? I'm a respected director, you know.

Oh, absolutely.

Your tampon ads are universally acknowledged

as the finest of the genre.

Well, now you've got a choice.

Either you let me direct as I see fit,

or you get somebody else to do it.

It was then that the fickle finger of fate,

flicking through his London a-z,

picked out this sleepy little post office in dalston.

Door chime jangles right!

She yelps

stay where you are. She gasps

and don't go for the alarm.

Grunting

gunshot, groaning

gunshot

she gasps

Were you in dalston high street this Tuesday afternoon?

Did you see this robbery? If so, ring this number:

Well, what do you think?

It's sensationalist, it's gory, it'll terrify people.

Thank you, Helen. I'm glad I pulled it off.

It's just gonna give viewers this hysterical fear

about leaving their homes.

That's good for our figures too. Oh, for god's sake, Gus.

Phone rings

Gus hedges.

Yes, I heard you.

Bastards. Utter bastards. What?

They've gone and caught the bloody robbers!

Look, chief inspector,

I'm sure there's still a way we can use that reconstruction.

If you do that, the police won't cooperate.

But, chief inspector... Look, I promised you,

any bank raiders captured on video today are yours.

That's all I can do. This is gonna be a fiasco, isn't it?

Well, who could have anticipated

the police would catch the people responsible?

It does happen on occasion, sir.

Um... he drugs them.

He wears a bag on his head.

What's this?

We're playing, "how does David mellor get laid?"

I know.

It's an incredibly subliminal form of advertising the lottery.

You know, "if David mellor can get laid, then I can win the lottery."

Actually, can we get on?

Us elections. I see Ollie north didn't get in.

God, imagine being so mad and stupid even Americans could spot it.

What's the matter with you, David? You're seriously underperforming.

Today's his birthday. Look, do you have to mention that?

It just makes me feel washed-up and alone.

Oh, pull yourself together, man. Oh, you've never felt like that?

Me? Lonely?

Have you seen the size of my address book?

Look. I've even got friends who begin with 'z'.

Is George here? No, he's dead.

How are you, cuddle bunny?

Better for seeing you, smoochy-poo.

Come into my office, darling, away from all this vulgarity.

God knows why she wants to stay in this country anyway.

Look at this. Naomi Campbell's novel.

Fergie and her bloody helicopter.

I mean, am I going mad, or do crap, brainless nobodies

suddenly acquire talent because they look nice in frocks

or have been porked by a royal nob?

I mean, what's next?

Barbie and Ken's economic history of the 20th century?

Fergie stars as hedda gabler.

No, she's been offered a part in baywatch.

Oh, sure.

No, she has been offered a part in baywatch.

What, she's lying on the beach

and suddenly all these Greenpeace supporters try to drag her back

into the ocean? Excuse me while I vomit.

? Happy Birthday to you

? Happy Birthday to you

? Happy Birthday, dear Dave

? Happy Birthday to you. ?

You thought we'd forgotten, didn't you?

35 candles, one for every year.

Cheering

here's your card.

"At 35, you've got a lot to look forward to.

"Old age, incontinence and death."

Well, Happy Birthday, best man.

Just popping out for half an hour, got to sort out the wedding cake.

Apparently the life-size figures of me and Anna

are proving a bit of a problem.

Best man? Yeah, well, George asked me...

I thought we were supposed to hold the line

and hope that he sees sense. Yeah, but George...

Oh, Dave.

Well, what was I supposed to say?

I mean, we're not gonna stop him marrying the woman, not unless...

It is a far better thing that I do now...

..Than I have ever done.

Hello, Anna. Hello.

What do you want?

I was wondering if you'd like to marry me.

Press statement from downing street just come through the wire.

"The government has in no way run out of steam

"due to the following re..." And?

That's the whole statement.

Give me one good reason why I should marry you.

Because otherwise you'd have to live with George for a year.

I was three years sharing tiny, heated room with seven other people.

And in days to come, you will look back on that as paradise.

But why should I marry you? I love George.

Oh, please. Look, I'll marry you,

no pretending, just a straightforward arrangement.

I know what you do. You have tape recorder hiding on you.

I say bad things and you play them to George.

I have no tape recorder.

All right, show me.

Oh, for god's... All right. All right.

Now the belt and your trousers.

I forgot my...

Ah. Um... George, I can see how this could possibly misinterpreted.

There's a very simple explanation.

Anna was checking to see if I had a tape recorder...

Concealed about my person.

Judas.

It's true, George.

I'm now going to go out, buy a litre of whiskey, drink it,

and throw myself in front of a train.

Goodbye.

She's just a nasty little tart who's after your money, George.

I know.

George! Oh, well done, Dave.

Only doesn't the best man usually

sleep with the bridesmaids and not the bride?

I was trying to do one selfless act to achieve something, to...

I'd better follow him.

Looks like Dave found a way to stop the marriage, then.

Yep, screwing Anna.

Now, why the hell didn't I think of that?

One minute to air.

So, have you anything else for us? Well, this has just come in.

A loony running amok in a supermarket.

And a security camera caught a thief in a building society.

Knife or gun? Stolen cheque book.

Oh, terrific Footage of a hardened criminal

brandishing a loaded biro, that'll really terrify the punters.

It was always going to be a stupid idea.

Well, I never wanted to do it.

Nor did I. Just because they caught me

with that copy of the new statesman, they made me median liaison officer.

30 seconds.

My boss said he doesn't want this to be too frightening.

There won't be a problem with the tone?

Oh, no, no, no, no. I'm very pleased with the tone.

Creepy music

'Crime is here.

'Crime is everywhere.

'Lurking.

'Prowling.

'Waiting to strike.'

they sigh and chuckle

good evening. I'm Damien day.

I'm Sally smedley, and this is crime time.

The programme that helps the police to help you.

Later on, we'll be talking to inspector Jack redmond.

But first, let's see if you can help us catch this man from this footage,

which came in a short while ago.

This man went berserk in a north London supermarket,

where he did over �, 1000 worth of damage.

He's aged about 40, and wearing a dark-coloured... cardigan.

So, do you know who he is?

Well, join us after the break.

Look...

If you're waiting for George, I don't think he'll be coming back.

Will he be ok?

I saw him going berserk in your crime programme.

Did people identify him?

Yes, over 30.

Fortunately, they all identified him as a John brown of finchley.

Oh.

I hear you wanted to marry George.

Just to get a uk passport.

Yes.

I wanted to apologise to him. I was desperate, you see.

It means so much to me to stay.

I, um... I suppose you'd have to live in the same house as him,

keep him company.

Preferably without relations of a physical nature.

That was the plan.

Well, I have a... big flat.

And on the same keeping each other company-oriented basis,

I was wondering if...

..If you'd like to marry me.

That's very kind of you, but I have to draw the line somewhere.

Politics is so completely different in the states.

Yeah, the head of government taking the blame

for electoral disaster. That would never happen here.

Still, for the next two years,

Clinton is going to be completely powerless.

At least he'll end up red-hot on the saxophone.

Right. The new Diana book.

She's on Prozac, tries to contact her dead bodyguard

who believes she was a nun in a former life,

and is convinced she will marry a frenchman.

Oh, great, I can just to see her with a vacant smile,

carrying a ouija board, wearing a wimple,

and walking down the aisle with Eric cantona.

You're in a bad mood. Too right,

I've got Bruce bloody grobbelaar in my fantasy football team.

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