All language subtitles for Drop The Dead Donkey s04e06 Sally In TV Times.eng

'And now, drop the dead donkey.

'This episode was first
broadcast in November '94.

'In a week when the news was dominated

'by treasury minister Jonathan aitken's

'confusing financial affairs.'

I'm wearing the metropolitan
police's new riot gear.

Described as vital by
their chief commissioner,

criticised by others as too expensive.

But just how effective is it?

Well, with the help
of my camera crew...

I'm going to find out.

Banging and clattering

well, I have to say that
I didn't feel a thing.

Phone rings

um... Michael Howard.

Men with ponytails.

The git who resurrected
the gold blend couple.

What's this? We're
playing plague of boils.

It's if you were god, which
people or group of people

would you visit with a plague of boils.

Um... it's my go, isn't it? Um...

Michael Howard. No,
you had him first go!

I want to give him two lots.

This is just mindless spite, isn't it?

Yes. I'll have Terry Christian.

Henry? Forrest Gump.

Joy. Um... men.

Rather a wide category, that.

All right, then. Bloody
bastard bank managers.

Overdraft?

"May I remind you that
you are banking with us

"and not we with you." Yeah, yeah.

Well, he won't be so amused
when I torch his bloody bank.

Good morning!

Wrong! Chuckles lightly

you do have a terrific
sense of humour, joy.

I've just been to my
personal pregnancy adviser.

And she said that during pregnancy,
having a sense of humour

is very important.

Never mind, sal, I'm sure you'll
be very good at everything else.

Morning, everyone! All: Hello.

So, do you notice anything about us?

Yes, you're 43 and she's...
shut up, joy!

We're engaged!

Great!

Yeah, well done, George.
Congratulations.

I see, so, you think
we've rushed it, too?

No, not at all, George.

After all, you've known
each other for, well...

Nine days. Nine days.

Yes. And presumably you're
not getting married until...

Saturday week. Saturday week.

Exactly. That's a longish
relationship compared to...

A mayfly? ..Lots of people.

No, George, Anna, we
hope you're very happy.

We will be. I love him very much.

Yes, you'll see.

This love will last and it will grow.

Aren't they the words
to a Donny osmond song?

I'll put both dates in my diary, then.

A week on Saturday - wedding.
One year later - divorce.

Why a year?

Because after she's lived
12 months with George,

she gets a British passport.

If she lives with
George as long as that,

she should get the Victoria cross!

What's to say it's not true love?

And besides, for all we know, she
could already be a uk citizen.

Yes. Joy, could you order Anna
a taxi to the strand, please.

Thanet house. Immigration department.

Maybe someone should talk to him?

Ok, troops, let's turn on the turbo
thrust and talk running orders.

Latest on aitken.

Apparently, he didn't need to
register that company he set up,

because it lost all its
money immediately.

And his job is?

Financial secretary to the treasury.

Now, this cod fax that the
guardian sent the ritz,

well, at least we don't get
involved in behaviour like that.

Has anyone got to something
they want to tell me?

Well, I did send a fax on
mcc paper to Mike gatting

telling him the Australian
tour was cancelled.

I sent one to Jeffrey archer on our
notepaper saying "you bastard".

Yeah, well, I did send
one to Alan sugar

on ossie ardiles notepaper
saying, "sack me if you dare."

Yeah? George, there's already
taxis waiting downstairs.

All right, thank you, joy.

Bye-bye, then, squirrel.
Bye-bye, rabbit.

Big hugs.

No, I'm sorry, even if it is true love,

I still think we should
try and split it up.

Good morning, scoop scouts!

I'm not here. However...

..I've got just one
word to say to you...

..Quality broadcasting.

How can we improve our
output, I ask myself?

With a new logo, I answer myself.

I'm having a two-metre high insignia

installed on top of the
globelink premises tomorrow.

What's it look like?

Ah-ha! That's a secret until
the unveiling tomorrow.

We don't want it getting leaked.

Because, of course, you can't
trust your own staff, can you?

Got it in one.

Now, I'd just like to
impact with Sally.

I'm sure you've all got
other flounders to flambe.

Now, Sally, I'm just a
little bit worried about

this potential baby situation
on the old publicity whatnot.

What with the ambiguous father
identification oojamaflip.

Anyhow, perhaps you could mentally
red pencil this whole thingamabob

from your TV times interview?

And...

He sighs ..Terrific.

Your what?

Oh, didn't you know, Henry?

I'm on the front cover of
the TV times this week.

Oh, that tatty old rag?

And I've a two-page interview inside.

Rather you than me.

That's a relief, Henry. I was worried

you might be a bit upset it was
just Sally on the front cover.

Oh, go boil your brain, George,
and shove it up your arse!

A bit uncalled for.

So, George, how's tricks?

Fine. Mm-hmm. Seems a nice girl Anna.

She's wonderful. Mm.

And stunning.

I suppose you and her have, um...

..You know, you've, um...

She finds me very attractive.

Yeah. So, you have, um...

You have, you know...

No, she respects me too much for that.

I'm sorry? You wouldn't
understand, Dave.

There's more than just sex between us.

I'm not obsessed with it
the same way that you are.

No, we're waiting until we get married.

And when's that? Nine days,
22 hours and 45 minutes.

Listen, George, I don't want...
don't say it.

..To bring this up, but I'm really...
just don't say it.

Damien...

Your piece on poor prison security...

Good, wasn't it?

..Do you really think it's responsible

to break in to a maximum
security prison?

I was just making the
point that it's easy.

It wasn't quite so easy
getting out, though, was it?

I made it.

Your camera crew didn't,
though, did they?

Yes, well, I'm visiting Gerry tomorrow.

I'm gonna do a piece
on prison bullying.

Damien!

There's this... Woman us naval officer

got a million dollars for being groped.

Oh, that's ridiculous! Never
cost me more than a g&t.

I've decided on natural childbirth.

Oh, yes, I decided on that.

Doing it the way nature intended.

Then 15 minutes into the
labour, I started screaming,

"give me all your drugs
now, you bastards!"

Yes, I remember when
Margaret had Deborah.

She screamed abuse at me
at the top of her voice!

Often happens, it's when the head
starts to press down on the cervix.

No, this was two days after the birth.

I'm rather looking
forward to the birth.

Sally, I wouldn't get
too excited, you know,

early days, and all of that.

Hello, Sally smedley? Impatiently: Yes?

I'm a photographer.

Oh! Pleased to meet you.

Sam Thompson, I'm doing the
photo for the TV times cover.

I just thought we'd do
them here in the office?

Well... giggles

I didn't get very far with George.

Not surprising, he's as Randy for her

as a dachshund with two dicks.

I think you'll find that
he's in love with her.

That's what I said.

Someone's got to make him see sense.

Well, she's obviously using him.

We need to dig up some
information on her.

Well, I could bung someone 50 quid

and get hold of her
immigration records?

Because I understand, you know,
you can do that, apparently.

Just do it, ok?

Just look at that sad old slapper
doing her stuff for the camera.

Actually, if you could
just sit on the desk.

That's smashing.

Actually, if you could
just cross your legs.

That's smashing.

If you could just hitch
that up a little bit.

That's smashing.

You know, Sally, I think you
are just about the most

photogenic woman I've
ever taken pics of.

Oh, please!

In fact...

I think we could do a stunning
portfolio of photos of you.

You see, I freelance
for a lot of magazines

and I'm sure that, er, penthouse

would pay a lot for
photos of Sally smedley.

What sort of photos?

Artistic adult photos.

I think you must have confused
me with some cheap little tart.

Don't come the debutant with me,
there's only two types of women.

Tarts who know it and tarts who don't.

I think we'd better call this
session to an end, don't you?

Before I use your telephoto lens
to take an extreme close-up

of your breakfast.

There's more worries about
rabies spreading to Britain

through the channel tunnel.
It's worrying, isn't it?

I had that rabies scare when I got
bitten by that dog in Tunisia.

And those two dogs in turkey.

And that water buffalo in Sri Lanka.

I started foaming at the mouth
the next morning at breakfast.

Then got locked in
quarantine for three days

until Deborah finally admitted
putting detergent in my muesli.

Still, all my bad luck's changed now.

So, um, you pay for nude photos?

Might do.

How much?

Er, 200 quid for breasts, 400
quid for breasts and bottoms,

600 quid for the full monty.

What about, um... inaudible

1,200.

You on for that?

Look, I need the money, ok?
It makes no odds to me.

There's a little studio
upstairs on the top floor,

it's empty, we could use that.

Ok, I'll come back tomorrow
with a TV times girl,

say I need a few more shots.

All right, everyone!

Now, I have as much a sense of
humour as the next person...

Yes, Gus, I would say you do.

Thank you, Henry.

But look at this!

Now, I'm perfectly prepared
to laugh at irishmen,

I'm perfectly prepared to
laugh at black people.

But I do think we have to draw the line

when it comes to
corporate merchandising.

So, I hope you all take that thought
on board, give it a stiff drink

and run it through the lifeboat drill.
Terrific.

Have I got something on
George's miss wonderful.

Already?!

When it comes to corrupt public
servants, I only deal with the best.

Oh, bloody hell! New story breaking?

Er, no, George, just some background.

Ah, looks interesting.

It's not, George. What is it?

We did a bit of research.

On Anna.

You have done what?

She's under investigation
by the immigration service.

Yes, she told me.

Her visa runs out in ten days' time.

Yes, she told me.

She married someone
else eight months ago.

Yes. She told me!

And I suppose you also found out
whether or not she's still married?

Divorced two months ago.

Oh, right, yes, of course. Um,
I remember her telling me now.

George... I know what it is.

You're all jealous.

All of you with your sick,
sad, unfulfilled lives.

It hurts you to see a perfectly
matched couple. You can't bear it!

And so you try and
blacken her good name.

Well, it's not gonna work!

It's not. We are going to get married

and we are going to buy
each other Teddy bears,

wear matching jumpers and hold hands
during Chris de burgh concerts,

and there's nothing you
can do to stop us!

Well, looks as if we'll
just have to accept

we can't stop George getting
hurt, not unless we kidnap Anna

and ship her out of the
country in a crate.

Well, I know this bloke... no!

Morning, Damien! Morning, joy.
Morning, George.

Is George still angry with us?

Says he's not going to
talk to homebreakers.

Can anyone think of a gentle
way of getting through to him?

Tell him he's a twat?

We've tried that, joy.

Tell him he's a twat and
slap him around a bit?

You seem particularly
vehement about all this, joy.

Yeah, well, happened to me, didn't it?

When I was 20, I met
this Bolivian dissident

who was about to get
thrown out of the country,

so I agreed to marry
him so he could stay.

That's fair enough, if
he was honest about it.

Yeah, but it turned out he was lying.

He already had a British passport.
He was just in love with me!

Bastard.

Excuse me, I'm looking for, um...
oh, what's his name?

Blonde bloke. Medium height.

Talks rubbish.

Gus.

That's right. I've got to put
this hoist up on the roof

for some new logo? He's in that office.

Cheers. Morning, Sally.

Sally, are you ok?

Fine. Absolutely fine.

Absolutely tickety-boo,
as gran used to say.

You've lost the baby, haven't you?

Oh, well, as you said, early days.

Oh, Sally, I am so sorry.

But you shouldn't be here,
you should be at home.

All right.

But there is someone who
can be with you there?

There's, um, Maria.

And you can get hold of her?

Well, I did sack her last week,

but I expect the agency
could get her back.

Right, er, perhaps you'd
better stay here.

Ok.

Shall I get you a cup of tea?

I'm experiencing all these feelings
and I don't know what they are.

Is this what other people
feel when they're unhappy?

I suppose so.

Perhaps it hasn't been so bad
being me all these years.

Morning! Are we roasting
with rocket fuel? You bet!

What's the matter with Sally?

Come on, cheer up, it
might never happen.

She's had a miscarriage, Gus.

Oh! Oh-oh.

I'm... I'm sorry. Still,
look on the bright side,

at least you won't need
six months off work.

Gus screams

you closed the photocopier
lid on my hands!

Yes! And I am pressing
down quite hard, Gus.

Good grief! And that pain
that you're experiencing,

that is just a fraction of what
Sally is feeling right now.

All right! All right!

Good grief, woman, what
are you playing at?!

I'm warning you, if that
affects my squash...

Anyway, Helen, Henry, I want
a meeting in my office.

To discuss sir royston's
bid for channel 5.

Henry, come along! Chop-chop!

Sally, I'll get joy to
come and sit with you.

I'm terribly sorry. All right?

Hello. I'm Derek lumsden.

Yeah, hi, I'm Dave charnley,
thanks for coming in.

Er, George...

..This is Derek lumsden.

Hello, there. Very pleased to meet you.

Anna's first husband.

Listen, mate, don't do it. She
took me for a complete ride.

Caught me at a bad time
when I was very vulnerable.

My teenage daughter left
school just before her gcses.

How she got to Croatia to join those
mercenaries, I'll never know.

And my ex-wife was still
bitter about the divorce.

Always going on about how
inadequate I was in bed.

To our friends.

Our relatives.

And on that radio two phone-in.

Then there was that mystery
intestinal complaint.

And it was a bit unfortunate
about the hand glider

coming straight through the
bathroom window like that.

I don't know if any of
this sounds familiar?

No, um. Not at all.

Anyhow, needless to say, I fell
hopelessly in love with her.

She knows how to pick sad,
lonely, insecure men.

Joy. Have you got through
to that minister yet?

Yes, he says he can do your
filling on Saturday at three.

There's this... Douglas hurd's
blocked the red cross proposals

to ban anti-personnel mines.

Oh, sir royston obviously had a word.

He sells them, does he? Absolutely not!

He just recognises a fair argument.

All those third world chappies
going on about the damage they do.

They haven't got a leg to stand on!

What?!

Where's George?

Playing Chris de burgh
tapes in his office.

Oh, dear. Dee Dixon, TV times.

I'm here for the Sally
smedley interview.

Ah... yes... there's going to be
a bit of a problem about that.

I hope not, I've been
looking forward to meeting

some fellow journalists. Dee Dixon!

Oh, it's a great honour for your
fellow journalists as well.

I can still remember
your shattering expose

of Liza Goddard's secret
love of chocolate eclairs.

Not to mention your epoch-making report

"why Jane Seymour's a
housewife at heart."

How you've never won
the pulitzer prize,

remains a mystery to us all. Sorry?

Ah, you must be Dee Dixon. Yes.

Gus hedges, pleased to meet you.

Now, about that interview.

It can't happen, Gus.

Excuse me, Dee, one of my employees
appears to have become confused

as to her role in this office. It
can't happen, she's not up to it.

It's ok. I want the
interview to go ahead.

Just give me a couple of seconds.

There you are. What a trooper!

So, um, we all set to
nip upstairs, then?

Sure. Remember, the dirtier it gets,

the quicker you pay off your overdraft.

Hoist's up and ready. Sorry?

We have an ongoing
potential uplift scenario.

Ah!

Got you.

I think I'm ready now.

This is going to be a cracker, Dee.

I'm sure it is.

Ok, Sally, where shall we start?

Um... any good stories
about your childhood

or favourite recipes, perhaps.

Our readers love celebrity recipes.

I've a story about my childhood.

Great.

How when I was five, my grandmother
locked me in a cellar full of rats

because I wore the wrong
shoes for dinner.

And there was a hilarious
outcome, I bet!

No, just weil's disease.

Mind you, that was one of the
happier moments of my childhood.

At least someone paid attention to me.

My parents ignored me, basically.

Left me with a psychotic septuagenarian

whose ideas for childcare

came from films about Japanese
prisoner of war camps.

She turned me into this malicious,
career obsessed, shell of a woman,

who spent her days knifing
her colleagues in the back

and her nights looking for a
quick shag with some rough trade

in a transport cafe.

The more brutal the better.

Just to make completely damn certain
there was no possibility of love.

But...

From one of these
couplings I got pregnant.

Which, at first, horrified me.

And then, slowly, changed me.

I started to understand what other
people feel when they are happy.

Then, last night, I had a miscarriage.

And now I feel...

More empty... and more alone...

Than when I was shut in that dark,

rat-infested cellar as a five year old.

So...

..No recipes, then?

George rang. Wanted to see me.

He's in there.

'Lady in red' by Chris de burgh

? lady in red

? is dancing. ? Music stops

what's the matter?

I want to know why you didn't
tell me about your marriage.

And subsequent divorce.

Oh. You know about that?

Correct. I see.

I suppose this means you
want to call everything off?

I just want to know why you
didn't tell me about it?

Well... it was too
painful to talk about...

That's good enough for me.

You are a remarkable man, George.

Ok, team! Gather round.

Feel-good moment imminent.

As we unveil our prestigious
new logo to the world.

Stylish, it's original,

and it's going to be winched
down any second now.

Aren't you supposed to
be operating the hoist?

No, whatshername, joy,
said she wanted to do it.

Marvellous.

Oh, my god!

News team laugh

well, it's original, certainly.

Shutter clicks smashing.

I'll do those
negatives, thank you, joy.

So, what's breaking?

There's this. People
who deal in steroids

will get five years in jail.

Of course, they'll have
to catch them first.

Oh, and there's heseltine's
tactical withdrawal

over the post office sell-off.

That was a golden opportunity missed.

Yes. What's he going to be
chairman of when he retires?

Quite. I mean, if this government

can't even privatise things properly...

It makes you wonder what's the
use of having them at all?

Welcome aboard, Gus!

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