Original subtitles

And now...

This episode was first broadcast in October '94,

in a week when Tony Blair was launching new labour,

and Anna pasternak was launching the royal book princess in love.

Bye-bye. Thank you very much.

Mrs Babcock. Ah, yes, you must be Chloe's mum.

Yes, sorry I'm late.

I work in a TV newsroom and a rumour came through

that Andrew Neil had died, so there was a bit of a panic.

No-one could find the champagne.

Well, this is just a "get to meet your child's new teacher

"and share any little worries you might have" session.

Have you any little worries about Chloe?

No.

No, she's a bright girl, very independent.

Yes, well, I suppose she has to be, really. Sorry?

Well, I mean, with you working such long hours,

she has to be independent.

Yes, well, it's difficult sometimes when you're a single parent.

Absolutely.

Well, I'm looking forward to teaching her.

She's very creative.

She wrote this marvellous story yesterday.

Oh, good!

"The invisible mummy.

"Once upon a time, there was a little girl with no daddy

"and a mummy you couldn't see.

"And every night, this little girl would talk to the toaster.

"Just for a bit of company."

But apart from that, how's she doing?

Well, there's nothing interesting on the labour party conference.

"New labour party looks to Jesus rather than Karl Marx."

What, as in, "Jesus, where can we find some policies?"

Anyway, fingers crossed, there could be a row over

the unions demanding a minimum wage of �4.

Oh, honestly, that's ridiculous.

I couldn't possibly keep two Filipino maids

and pay them both �4 a day. It'll just mean more unemployment.

Morning. Morning, George. Any news on Gus?

I went to the hospital last night.

The nurses were worried that he was delirious

till I explained that he always talks like that.

I see charnley's late in.

Yeah, well, he had a bit of a bad night.

We were in the pub and he was getting all moody about Helen again.

You know, about how she's the only woman for him, etc.

So to console himself, he goes off to pull this young barmaid.

He gives her two hours of the full charnley chat,

then after that, she says she doesn't like wrinklies

and goes off with some teenager with flashing lights in his trainers.

I have never seen Dave so depressed.

It was hilarious. They laugh

oh, well, we best not bring it up in conversation, then, had we?

Morning, Dave! Morning, Dave.

Nice night last night? You shut your face.

Let's just all get on with our work, shall we?

Anyway, you can't complain, Dave. You've had a good innings.

But the trouble with pretty-boy looks like yours

is that when they go... they really go.

Bollocks.

Look, you might as well accept it, Dave.

Once the face goes, women won't be interested in you.

Well, why should they be?

I mean, it's not as if you've got an interesting personality or anything.

Listen, you're just jealous because you know that I could pull

any woman in this office, whereas you couldn't pull a hamstring.

You could pull any woman in this office.

Yep. You want to bet on that?

Yep. 200 quid?

Yep. All right, Henry, witness.

I'm betting him 200 quid that he can't pull any woman in this office

that I nominate, ok? Done.

Who's it to be, then? Joy.

He laughs

no, come on, seriously. Joy. She works in this office.

Well, yeah, but, I mean, she's joy. I mean...

What, are you too scared? I understand.

I win, wouldn't you say, Henry? No, no, I'm not scared.

So the bet's on, is it? Yeah. Ok, it's on.

Good. Well, you walked into that one, didn't you?

You'll never manage it. Says who?

Says my 200 quid. Ok, you're on as well.

You walked into that one too.

Look, I'll manage it.

Joy's got her gentle side, just like any other woman.

Dave, in two days' time, joy is competing in gladiators.

I'll be ok.

Deep down, there's always been a bit of a spark between me and joy.

Oi, waste of space. Post for you.

Morning, joy. You're, um...

You're looking very nice this morning.

Nice... nice top.

What are you up to? Nothing.

You'd better not be, tosspot.

She's putty in your hands.

All right. I have in my hand some very interesting statistics

which show we wasted a total of 53 man-hours last week.

Henry, you top the league table by virtue of your lunch hours,

or to be more accurate, your lunch days.

Once I've done the midday bulletin, I need a longish lunch to relax,

to let my hair down.

You don't let your hair down, Henry. You take it off and put it in a box.

Runner-up is Sally, who spent eight and a half hours

on calls to her agent, beautician, hairdresser,

and one more number which appears to be a call box in a motorway lay-by.

And, George, you were talking to your ex-wife

for a full one hour and 40 minutes. Well, I didn't like to interrupt.

Now, I know that this is...

I know this is controversial, but I just feel

if we all started to work during working hours,

then we could all get to go home on time.

To that end, here's a schedule

to remind you all of what should happen when.

Thank you. No, thank you.

Joy. What?

How's the gladiators training going?

All right.

I was wondering whether you wanted anyone to train with you tonight?

You know, make things easier, help motivate you.

You think you'd be up to it, then, do you?

They snigger

of course. What do you mean, am I up to it?

All right, then. You're on.

Tonight, the schedule's a ten-mile run followed by wall climbing,

an hour's weight training and 300 press-ups, ok?

Fine.

How is he today, nurse? Is he still distressed?

A lot calmer. We've given him some John majors.

Sorry? Sedatives.

And how are we today?

Looking brighter. Better colour.

They put me in the bed nearest the door, George.

You know what that means.

They think I'm going to...

..Join the Daisy support scheme.

Gus, it was just a minor heart spasm.

You're just in here for routine observation.

So, tell me, why couldn't you stay in that private clinic?

Well, I didn't read the fine print on my private insurance.

Basically, the policy only covers me up to the point when I become ill.

Well, you're a lot safer on an NHS ward.

Besides... sorry to butt in, I'm Bob Anderson.

Oh, come in, doctor.

No, no, I'm not a doctor, I'm a unit manager.

I understand you're a hands-on executive facilitator

at globelink news. Yes, yes.

Fantastic. Well, keep targeting your feedback at me.

This trust believes in overachieving in terms of

client satisfaction at the point of delivery.

Perhaps you might like to major on that in a broadcasting context.

Anyway, shan't stop.

Just wanted to pop that in your mental microwave

and see if it defrosts. Ciao.

You know, I have the strangest feeling

I've met him somewhere before.

I think we'd better send someone else down the old Bailey

to do these artist impressions. I reckon Bob's a bit depressed.

What do you think, Dave?

Dave?

He went out running with joy at lunchtime.

Well, he can't spend the whole afternoon unconscious.

No, that's Henry's job.

Running order rejig, new item three. Tacky but unavoidable, that book.

We've had to cut the quote from dame Barbara cartland

because engineering say the camera can't cope with that many colours.

New item four. Plague in India, I suppose.

Incidentally, Sally, our canteen staff are Bangladeshi,

so wearing that facemask when they serve you

is unnecessary as well as offensive.

Nice lunch, Henry?

All three hours and 47 minutes of it?

Yeah, I cut it short today in the light of your remarks.

Now, Helen, I want to discuss this interview tomorrow

with that jumped-up young typist, Anna pasternak.

You have two minutes. I beg your pardon?

At 5 o'clock, I shall have worked all the hours I'm contracted to work

and I shall be going home.

But I need you to go through all this stuff.

It'll have to wait. Well...

Bye, George. I'm off.

Taking Chloe to the flicks. Ok.

George...

Did your daughter ever write any essays about you?

Well, when Deborah was seven, she wrote a poem.

I can still remember it.

"My daddy.

"My daddy is a jelly. My mummy told me so.

"He's short and dim and smelly and we both wish he would go."

Great imagination, kids, haven't they?

Yeah.

Dave!

Listen, you don't have to come to the gym with me tonight

if you can't manage it. I'll manage, don't be silly.

Raring to go. Ok. We'll run there, shall we?

Why not? Great idea.

Eenie, meenie, minie, mo, you are it.

Right, you get to read princess in love.

Oh, shit. Someone's got to do it.

How can we report on it if we don't know what's in it?

"As he took her in his arms and held her, it was as if he was

"infusing her body with a desperately longed-for elixir

"of love and strength." Oh, you cannot make me read this.

I'll be physically ill.

Henry, for tomorrow, can you do a summary of the substantive points

in Tony Blair's speech?

And how come he gets all the easy jobs?

Good night, everyone. I'm going home.

But, Helen, what about...? Good night.

What is so important about leaving at five all of a sudden?

Because I don't want to end up as some sad, stunted inadequate

who hangs around at work

because they have no meaningful personal life.

Who's she talking about? God knows.

Well, we need you back, Gus. Helen's become impossible.

Yesterday, she forbade me to take time off to visit the beauticians.

Now, I ask you, how can anyone be expected to read the news

with jagged toenails and an unwaxed bikini line?

I must say, Gus, I think you're very brave staying in an NHS ward.

My auntie's friend died in an NHS hospital only last week.

At least, they think it was last week.

They're not sure how long she'd been in the corridor.

Yes, these places are deadly.

Anyway, keep smiling. Sally! I'm frightened.

Have you ever, ever thought about dying?

No, not really. Bye!

I see miss smedley paid you another visit.

Yes. You'll be wanting your tranquilliser, then.

Oh, yes, please.

Did anyone see world in action?

They sneaked inside a maternity ward to show how poor security was.

I mean, I did that two years ago.

Do you remember that, George? How could we forget?

I put the baby back!

I mean, all right, it was in the wrong cot,

but it all got sorted out in the end.

If you ask me, those mothers just overreacted.

So, joy, how's the gladiators training going?

How's Dave coping?

He did surprisingly well last night.

He managed the ten-mile run, the weight training, the wall climbing

and quite a few of the press-ups before he blacked out.

He might feel it a bit today, though.

Morning, George. Morning, Damien. Morning, methuselah.

Morning, medusa.

Morning, everybody. Morning.

What is that?

That is all the stuff you left

un-dealt with when you insisted on leaving at 5 o'clock yesterday.

Nice evening? How's Chloe? Not good. She's got toothache.

It's infected, she's had it a while and I should have taken her

to the dentist ages ago.

Seems like you're just shortchanging everybody, Helen.

Your employer, your daughter.

Perhaps you should just be a good little mumsy housewife

and stay at home doing the ironing.

You could probably just about manage that, dear.

Bog off, smedley.

"Bog off." Not exactly Oscar wilde, are we?

Double bog off.

Morning, Dave. Morning.

Morning, Dave. Feeling a bit stiff, are we?

Joy said you did very well at training last night.

Hey, perhaps you should enter gladiators.

You know, take on hawk, wolf.

You could be... plank.

You wait, you bastards.

You won't be laughing when I walk off with 400 quid.

Oh, not another stupid bet, Dave. What is it this time?

Um... you see those two bluebottles on the table?

We were betting on which one would fly off first.

Pathetic.

Actually, a fiver says the one on the left.

You're on.

I've got John Prescott's speech here.

What's he say?

I don't know, I haven't found a verb yet.

George... I've got something to tell you.

I've decided to resign.

Resign?

Resign? Why?

Because, in her own perverted, psychotic way, Sally is right.

I can't do this job and be a proper mother.

My daughter needs me. But I need you.

I'll stay until you find a replacement.

Oh, dear, I'm getting an arrhythmia now.

And a colonic spasm.

Oh, no, the whole works.

Ok, George, take it easy.

You see? Who's going to put my head between my legs when you've gone?

I'm sorry about this. That's ok.

This carpet needs cleaning.

More on yeltsin being a pisshead.

It must be worrying, sobering up and realising you could have

plunged the world into a nuclear war just for a laugh.

Nonsense, sobering up and realising you balanced your genitals

on the railway line in front of the orient express, now that's worrying.

Listen, Dave, I tell you what,

you don't have to go through with this bet, ok?

I mean, you obviously can't win it and...

Well, your age, the way you're going at it,

you could really hurt yourself.

Look, the bet stays, ok? Look, be sensible.

The bet stays. In fact, I will double the stake.

No, no, this is silly. Running scared, are we?

All right, then. If you insist. 400 quid it is.

All right, 400 quid. Wave the money goodbye, suckers.

Yep, I told you that'd work.

Steady beep so this monitors your heart.

Yes.

Do they do little portable ones?

I'm going to live, George. They've given me the all-clear.

It was definitely just a temporary cardiac glitch.

The doctors have told me to relax.

To be less competitive. So that's what I'll do.

I'm going to be the best damn relaxer there's ever been.

So, any problems?

No. No. No, no.

Sally... beeping increases

..sends her love.

Ok. Beeping steadies

and sir roysten rang.

Beeping increases what about?

Oh, nothing. Beeping steadies

he just wanted some more info regarding Helen's resignation.

Beeping increases what?!

Look, come on, relax, remember? Calm down.

Beeping steadies he was very laid-back about it.

He said if you need time to convalesce, no problem.

That's fine by him. Good.

After all, like he said, no-one's indispensable.

Beeping increases no-one's indispensable?

That's what he said. Then he laughed.

A big belly laugh. "Ho-ho-ho!" Rapid beeping

I think you'd better go, mr dent!

Cheering

we just came to say good luck.

Yeah, give 'em hell. George is out front.

Good luck, joy. Thanks.

Pleased to meet you, scorpio, I'm a huge fan.

Thank you.

I'm in there.

All the best, joy. Cheers. Oh, Dave?

I just wanted to say thanks for the weight training and...

Well, your support. You've been a mate.

Any time.

Erm... how about dinner after? Love to.

Getting on well with Dave, then? Yeah, well, he's been really sweet.

Right.

Oh, well, that'll get Henry worried anyway.

What? Oh, nothing.

Why should it way Henry?

No! Please, no, I shouldn't have said anything.

It just slipped out.

It was just a silly bet anyway. What bet?

No! No, it's...

Oh, all right.

Henry and Dave have got this bet that Dave can't get you into bed.

I mean, it's just silly boy stuff, they don't mean any harm by it.

Don't tell them I told you.

Anyway, break a leg.

You're on, joy. Ready.

So, when will joy be on TV?

Well, the programme goes out in a few weeks, but apparently

they've had to cut joy's bits as they were too violent to broadcast.

She did seem to forget the rules rather.

She wasn't even supposed to be competing against the men.

Saracen certainly wasn't expecting that head butt.

I don't understand why she went berserk like that.

It's a mystery.

The most frightening part was when she came

charging into the auditorium looking for Dave and Henry.

Henry's very quick for his age, isn't it?

Did you see the way he vaulted over those seats?

Morning, everyone. This is Chloe.

No school today? Not this morning. Dentist.

Hello, Chloe. We've heard a lot about you.

My, my, Helen. She's very thin, isn't she?

Morning, joy. Where's Davenport and charnley?

Dave rang in, he's not well.

He said he could be off sick for a few days.

It'll be longer than that.

What's all this about?

Hello? Er... that's Davenport, isn't it?

Davenport, you're dead. And so's that other male slime bag.

You know why. You had that bet. Damien told me.

Really?

George, I think I should go and cover that report.

You know the one, in baffin island. Oi! Oi!

There's something I don't know about, isn't there?

Is it always like this, mum? Usually.

Now, listen, Chloe. I've been meaning to tell you.

I've decided to give up my job here so I can spend more time with you.

Oh. What do you mean, "oh"?

Well, I kind of like things the way they are.

But I've resigned.

I've spent three sleepless nights anguishing over that decision.

That's not my fault, mum.

But that story you wrote, the invisible mummy.

Oh, that. I just wrote that because we had a new teacher.

If you make them feel sorry for you, they go easy on you.

She laughs will you excuse me a second, dear?

Helen, I've been thinking.

I just wanted to say how much I admire this decision you've taken.

You're putting your child's wishes before your own.

Now, in my book, that makes you the perfect, caring mum.

What are you doing out here?

Well, it's just I can't stay in there

otherwise I'll kill the little bitch.

Globelink. Oh, hello, Gus.

Oh, not much. Dave and Henry haven't turned up yet.

Helen's brought her daughter into work

and is talking about killing her. Smashing

oh, joy's chasing Damien with a fire axe.

What's that bleeping sound?

Oh, that's good.

Labour are pressing ahead with quotas for women mps.

- We need more women in politics. - Yeah, right.

Look what happened the last time a woman got to the top.

Anyway, we ought to cover that policeman's speech

attacking Michael Howard.

Funny how bits of it went missing, and with all those policeman around.

Mind you, if he'd said what he was going to,

Howard would have been finished at the Tory conference next week.

His only way out would have been to crucify a couple of single mothers.

Can we not use the word crucify? Joy's still out there somewhere.

Damien, are you gonna stand under that table all day?

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