All language subtitles for Drop The Dead Donkey s04e02 Quality Time.eng

And now...

This episode was first
broadcast in October '94,

in a week when Tony Blair
was launching new labour,

and Anna pasternak was launching
the royal book princess in love.

Bye-bye. Thank you very much.

Mrs Babcock. Ah, yes, you
must be Chloe's mum.

Yes, sorry I'm late.

I work in a TV newsroom
and a rumour came through

that Andrew Neil had died, so
there was a bit of a panic.

No-one could find the champagne.

Well, this is just a "get to
meet your child's new teacher

"and share any little worries
you might have" session.

Have you any little
worries about Chloe?

No.

No, she's a bright girl,
very independent.

Yes, well, I suppose she
has to be, really. Sorry?

Well, I mean, with you
working such long hours,

she has to be independent.

Yes, well, it's difficult sometimes
when you're a single parent.

Absolutely.

Well, I'm looking forward
to teaching her.

She's very creative.

She wrote this marvellous
story yesterday.

Oh, good!

"The invisible mummy.

"Once upon a time, there was
a little girl with no daddy

"and a mummy you couldn't see.

"And every night, this little
girl would talk to the toaster.

"Just for a bit of company."

But apart from that, how's she doing?

Well, there's nothing interesting
on the labour party conference.

"New labour party looks to
Jesus rather than Karl Marx."

What, as in, "Jesus, where
can we find some policies?"

Anyway, fingers crossed,
there could be a row over

the unions demanding a
minimum wage of �4.

Oh, honestly, that's ridiculous.

I couldn't possibly
keep two Filipino maids

and pay them both �4 a day. It'll
just mean more unemployment.

Morning. Morning, George.
Any news on Gus?

I went to the hospital last night.

The nurses were worried
that he was delirious

till I explained that he
always talks like that.

I see charnley's late in.

Yeah, well, he had a
bit of a bad night.

We were in the pub and he was getting
all moody about Helen again.

You know, about how she's the
only woman for him, etc.

So to console himself, he goes
off to pull this young barmaid.

He gives her two hours of
the full charnley chat,

then after that, she says
she doesn't like wrinklies

and goes off with some teenager with
flashing lights in his trainers.

I have never seen Dave so depressed.

It was hilarious. They laugh

oh, well, we best not bring it up
in conversation, then, had we?

Morning, Dave! Morning, Dave.

Nice night last night?
You shut your face.

Let's just all get on
with our work, shall we?

Anyway, you can't complain, Dave.
You've had a good innings.

But the trouble with
pretty-boy looks like yours

is that when they go... they really go.

Bollocks.

Look, you might as
well accept it, Dave.

Once the face goes, women
won't be interested in you.

Well, why should they be?

I mean, it's not as if you've got an
interesting personality or anything.

Listen, you're just jealous because
you know that I could pull

any woman in this office, whereas
you couldn't pull a hamstring.

You could pull any
woman in this office.

Yep. You want to bet on that?

Yep. 200 quid?

Yep. All right, Henry, witness.

I'm betting him 200 quid that he
can't pull any woman in this office

that I nominate, ok? Done.

Who's it to be, then? Joy.

He laughs

no, come on, seriously. Joy.
She works in this office.

Well, yeah, but, I mean, she's joy.
I mean...

What, are you too scared? I understand.

I win, wouldn't you say, Henry?
No, no, I'm not scared.

So the bet's on, is it?
Yeah. Ok, it's on.

Good. Well, you walked
into that one, didn't you?

You'll never manage it. Says who?

Says my 200 quid. Ok,
you're on as well.

You walked into that one too.

Look, I'll manage it.

Joy's got her gentle side,
just like any other woman.

Dave, in two days' time, joy
is competing in gladiators.

I'll be ok.

Deep down, there's always been a
bit of a spark between me and joy.

Oi, waste of space. Post for you.

Morning, joy. You're, um...

You're looking very nice this morning.

Nice... nice top.

What are you up to? Nothing.

You'd better not be, tosspot.

She's putty in your hands.

All right. I have in my hand
some very interesting statistics

which show we wasted a total
of 53 man-hours last week.

Henry, you top the league table
by virtue of your lunch hours,

or to be more accurate,
your lunch days.

Once I've done the midday bulletin,
I need a longish lunch to relax,

to let my hair down.

You don't let your hair down, Henry.
You take it off and put it in a box.

Runner-up is Sally, who spent
eight and a half hours

on calls to her agent,
beautician, hairdresser,

and one more number which appears to
be a call box in a motorway lay-by.

And, George, you were
talking to your ex-wife

for a full one hour and 40 minutes.
Well, I didn't like to interrupt.

Now, I know that this is...

I know this is controversial,
but I just feel

if we all started to work
during working hours,

then we could all get
to go home on time.

To that end, here's a schedule

to remind you all of
what should happen when.

Thank you. No, thank you.

Joy. What?

How's the gladiators training going?

All right.

I was wondering whether you wanted
anyone to train with you tonight?

You know, make things
easier, help motivate you.

You think you'd be up
to it, then, do you?

They snigger

of course. What do you
mean, am I up to it?

All right, then. You're on.

Tonight, the schedule's a ten-mile
run followed by wall climbing,

an hour's weight training
and 300 press-ups, ok?

Fine.

How is he today, nurse?
Is he still distressed?

A lot calmer. We've given
him some John majors.

Sorry? Sedatives.

And how are we today?

Looking brighter. Better colour.

They put me in the bed
nearest the door, George.

You know what that means.

They think I'm going to...

..Join the Daisy support scheme.

Gus, it was just a minor heart spasm.

You're just in here for
routine observation.

So, tell me, why couldn't you
stay in that private clinic?

Well, I didn't read the fine
print on my private insurance.

Basically, the policy only covers me
up to the point when I become ill.

Well, you're a lot
safer on an NHS ward.

Besides... sorry to butt
in, I'm Bob Anderson.

Oh, come in, doctor.

No, no, I'm not a doctor,
I'm a unit manager.

I understand you're a hands-on
executive facilitator

at globelink news. Yes, yes.

Fantastic. Well, keep targeting
your feedback at me.

This trust believes in
overachieving in terms of

client satisfaction at
the point of delivery.

Perhaps you might like to major on
that in a broadcasting context.

Anyway, shan't stop.

Just wanted to pop that
in your mental microwave

and see if it defrosts. Ciao.

You know, I have the strangest feeling

I've met him somewhere before.

I think we'd better send someone
else down the old Bailey

to do these artist impressions.
I reckon Bob's a bit depressed.

What do you think, Dave?

Dave?

He went out running
with joy at lunchtime.

Well, he can't spend the
whole afternoon unconscious.

No, that's Henry's job.

Running order rejig, new item three.
Tacky but unavoidable, that book.

We've had to cut the quote
from dame Barbara cartland

because engineering say the camera
can't cope with that many colours.

New item four. Plague
in India, I suppose.

Incidentally, Sally, our
canteen staff are Bangladeshi,

so wearing that facemask
when they serve you

is unnecessary as well as offensive.

Nice lunch, Henry?

All three hours and 47 minutes of it?

Yeah, I cut it short today in
the light of your remarks.

Now, Helen, I want to discuss
this interview tomorrow

with that jumped-up young
typist, Anna pasternak.

You have two minutes.
I beg your pardon?

At 5 o'clock, I shall have worked all
the hours I'm contracted to work

and I shall be going home.

But I need you to go
through all this stuff.

It'll have to wait. Well...

Bye, George. I'm off.

Taking Chloe to the flicks. Ok.

George...

Did your daughter ever write
any essays about you?

Well, when Deborah was
seven, she wrote a poem.

I can still remember it.

"My daddy.

"My daddy is a jelly.
My mummy told me so.

"He's short and dim and smelly
and we both wish he would go."

Great imagination, kids, haven't they?

Yeah.

Dave!

Listen, you don't have to come
to the gym with me tonight

if you can't manage it. I'll
manage, don't be silly.

Raring to go. Ok. We'll
run there, shall we?

Why not? Great idea.

Eenie, meenie, minie, mo, you are it.

Right, you get to read
princess in love.

Oh, shit. Someone's got to do it.

How can we report on it if
we don't know what's in it?

"As he took her in his arms and
held her, it was as if he was

"infusing her body with a
desperately longed-for elixir

"of love and strength." Oh,
you cannot make me read this.

I'll be physically ill.

Henry, for tomorrow, can you do a
summary of the substantive points

in Tony Blair's speech?

And how come he gets all the easy jobs?

Good night, everyone. I'm going home.

But, Helen, what about...? Good night.

What is so important about
leaving at five all of a sudden?

Because I don't want to end up
as some sad, stunted inadequate

who hangs around at work

because they have no
meaningful personal life.

Who's she talking about? God knows.

Well, we need you back, Gus.
Helen's become impossible.

Yesterday, she forbade me to take
time off to visit the beauticians.

Now, I ask you, how can anyone
be expected to read the news

with jagged toenails and
an unwaxed bikini line?

I must say, Gus, I think you're
very brave staying in an NHS ward.

My auntie's friend died in an
NHS hospital only last week.

At least, they think it was last week.

They're not sure how long
she'd been in the corridor.

Yes, these places are deadly.

Anyway, keep smiling. Sally!
I'm frightened.

Have you ever, ever
thought about dying?

No, not really. Bye!

I see miss smedley paid
you another visit.

Yes. You'll be wanting
your tranquilliser, then.

Oh, yes, please.

Did anyone see world in action?

They sneaked inside a maternity
ward to show how poor security was.

I mean, I did that two years ago.

Do you remember that, George?
How could we forget?

I put the baby back!

I mean, all right, it
was in the wrong cot,

but it all got sorted out in the end.

If you ask me, those
mothers just overreacted.

So, joy, how's the
gladiators training going?

How's Dave coping?

He did surprisingly well last night.

He managed the ten-mile run, the
weight training, the wall climbing

and quite a few of the press-ups
before he blacked out.

He might feel it a bit today, though.

Morning, George. Morning, Damien.
Morning, methuselah.

Morning, medusa.

Morning, everybody. Morning.

What is that?

That is all the stuff you left

un-dealt with when you insisted on
leaving at 5 o'clock yesterday.

Nice evening? How's Chloe? Not good.
She's got toothache.

It's infected, she's had it a
while and I should have taken her

to the dentist ages ago.

Seems like you're just
shortchanging everybody, Helen.

Your employer, your daughter.

Perhaps you should just be a
good little mumsy housewife

and stay at home doing the ironing.

You could probably just
about manage that, dear.

Bog off, smedley.

"Bog off." Not exactly
Oscar wilde, are we?

Double bog off.

Morning, Dave. Morning.

Morning, Dave. Feeling
a bit stiff, are we?

Joy said you did very well
at training last night.

Hey, perhaps you should
enter gladiators.

You know, take on hawk, wolf.

You could be... plank.

You wait, you bastards.

You won't be laughing when
I walk off with 400 quid.

Oh, not another stupid bet, Dave.
What is it this time?

Um... you see those two
bluebottles on the table?

We were betting on which
one would fly off first.

Pathetic.

Actually, a fiver says
the one on the left.

You're on.

I've got John Prescott's speech here.

What's he say?

I don't know, I haven't
found a verb yet.

George... I've got
something to tell you.

I've decided to resign.

Resign?

Resign? Why?

Because, in her own perverted,
psychotic way, Sally is right.

I can't do this job and
be a proper mother.

My daughter needs me. But I need you.

I'll stay until you find a replacement.

Oh, dear, I'm getting
an arrhythmia now.

And a colonic spasm.

Oh, no, the whole works.

Ok, George, take it easy.

You see? Who's going to put my head
between my legs when you've gone?

I'm sorry about this. That's ok.

This carpet needs cleaning.

More on yeltsin being a pisshead.

It must be worrying, sobering
up and realising you could have

plunged the world into a
nuclear war just for a laugh.

Nonsense, sobering up and realising
you balanced your genitals

on the railway line in front of the
orient express, now that's worrying.

Listen, Dave, I tell you what,

you don't have to go
through with this bet, ok?

I mean, you obviously
can't win it and...

Well, your age, the way
you're going at it,

you could really hurt yourself.

Look, the bet stays, ok?
Look, be sensible.

The bet stays. In fact, I
will double the stake.

No, no, this is silly.
Running scared, are we?

All right, then. If you insist.
400 quid it is.

All right, 400 quid. Wave
the money goodbye, suckers.

Yep, I told you that'd work.

Steady beep so this
monitors your heart.

Yes.

Do they do little portable ones?

I'm going to live, George.
They've given me the all-clear.

It was definitely just a
temporary cardiac glitch.

The doctors have told me to relax.

To be less competitive.
So that's what I'll do.

I'm going to be the best damn
relaxer there's ever been.

So, any problems?

No. No. No, no.

Sally... beeping increases

..sends her love.

Ok. Beeping steadies

and sir roysten rang.

Beeping increases what about?

Oh, nothing. Beeping steadies

he just wanted some more info
regarding Helen's resignation.

Beeping increases what?!

Look, come on, relax, remember?
Calm down.

Beeping steadies he was
very laid-back about it.

He said if you need time
to convalesce, no problem.

That's fine by him. Good.

After all, like he said,
no-one's indispensable.

Beeping increases
no-one's indispensable?

That's what he said. Then he laughed.

A big belly laugh.
"Ho-ho-ho!" Rapid beeping

I think you'd better go, mr dent!

Cheering

we just came to say good luck.

Yeah, give 'em hell.
George is out front.

Good luck, joy. Thanks.

Pleased to meet you,
scorpio, I'm a huge fan.

Thank you.

I'm in there.

All the best, joy. Cheers. Oh, Dave?

I just wanted to say thanks for
the weight training and...

Well, your support. You've been a mate.

Any time.

Erm... how about dinner after? Love to.

Getting on well with Dave, then?
Yeah, well, he's been really sweet.

Right.

Oh, well, that'll get
Henry worried anyway.

What? Oh, nothing.

Why should it way Henry?

No! Please, no, I shouldn't
have said anything.

It just slipped out.

It was just a silly bet anyway.
What bet?

No! No, it's...

Oh, all right.

Henry and Dave have got this bet
that Dave can't get you into bed.

I mean, it's just silly boy stuff,
they don't mean any harm by it.

Don't tell them I told you.

Anyway, break a leg.

You're on, joy. Ready.

So, when will joy be on TV?

Well, the programme goes out
in a few weeks, but apparently

they've had to cut joy's bits as
they were too violent to broadcast.

She did seem to forget
the rules rather.

She wasn't even supposed to
be competing against the men.

Saracen certainly wasn't
expecting that head butt.

I don't understand why she
went berserk like that.

It's a mystery.

The most frightening
part was when she came

charging into the auditorium
looking for Dave and Henry.

Henry's very quick for
his age, isn't it?

Did you see the way he
vaulted over those seats?

Morning, everyone. This is Chloe.

No school today? Not this morning.
Dentist.

Hello, Chloe. We've
heard a lot about you.

My, my, Helen. She's
very thin, isn't she?

Morning, joy. Where's
Davenport and charnley?

Dave rang in, he's not well.

He said he could be off
sick for a few days.

It'll be longer than that.

What's all this about?

Hello? Er... that's
Davenport, isn't it?

Davenport, you're dead. And
so's that other male slime bag.

You know why. You had that bet.
Damien told me.

Really?

George, I think I should
go and cover that report.

You know the one, in baffin island.
Oi! Oi!

There's something I don't
know about, isn't there?

Is it always like this, mum? Usually.

Now, listen, Chloe. I've
been meaning to tell you.

I've decided to give up my job here
so I can spend more time with you.

Oh. What do you mean, "oh"?

Well, I kind of like
things the way they are.

But I've resigned.

I've spent three sleepless nights
anguishing over that decision.

That's not my fault, mum.

But that story you wrote,
the invisible mummy.

Oh, that. I just wrote that
because we had a new teacher.

If you make them feel sorry
for you, they go easy on you.

She laughs will you
excuse me a second, dear?

Helen, I've been thinking.

I just wanted to say how much I
admire this decision you've taken.

You're putting your child's
wishes before your own.

Now, in my book, that makes
you the perfect, caring mum.

What are you doing out here?

Well, it's just I can't stay in there

otherwise I'll kill the little bitch.

Globelink. Oh, hello, Gus.

Oh, not much. Dave and Henry
haven't turned up yet.

Helen's brought her daughter into work

and is talking about killing her.
Smashing

oh, joy's chasing
Damien with a fire axe.

What's that bleeping sound?

Oh, that's good.

Labour are pressing ahead
with quotas for women mps.

- We need more women in politics.
- Yeah, right.

Look what happened the last
time a woman got to the top.

Anyway, we ought to cover
that policeman's speech

attacking Michael Howard.

Funny how bits of it went missing,
and with all those policeman around.

Mind you, if he'd said
what he was going to,

Howard would have been finished
at the Tory conference next week.

His only way out would have been to
crucify a couple of single mothers.

Can we not use the word crucify?
Joy's still out there somewhere.

Damien, are you gonna stand
under that table all day?

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