All language subtitles for Drop The Dead Donkey s04e01 The Undiscovered Country.eng

'And now,
drop the dead donkey.

'This episode was first
broadcast in September '94,

'in a week when a mental patient
found his way into a lion cage,

'and some semtex found its
way into a prison cell

'to the embarrassment of home
secretary Michael Howard.'

bell tolls

we commit his body to the ground.

Earth to earth, ashes
to ashes, dust to dust.

In the sure and certain hope of
the resurrection to eternal life

through our lord Jesus Christ,

who shall change our vile body

that it may be like
unto his glorious body,

according to the mighty working,

whereby he is able to subdue
all things in himself.

The grace of the lord Jesus
Christ, and the love of god,

and the fellowship of the holy
ghost be with us all evermore.

Amen.

Ah, well. Yeah.

That's that.

What a wonderful character he was. Yes.

It's tragic, tragic.

If you'll excuse me,

I'm just going to share my
grief with those reporters.

He's still with us, really.

Every time we think
of him, we'll smile.

Isn't that right, joy?

Oh, no, I'm smiling
because I can see them

wheel-clamping Damien's Porsche. What?

Oh, the bastards!

God, I'll miss him.

Yes, poor old Ted. What a journalist.

He'll be up there now, shagging
all the tastiest seraphim

and sticking a pint of
lager in god's right hand.

Are you ok, Gus?

It's very deep, isn't it?

Well, yes, but...

I never been at a
burial scenario before.

I had no idea the hole was so deep.

Come on, Gus. So...

..So deep.

Helen...

I think I might need
a bit of help here.

You will come back, won't you, Henry?

Course I will.

Poor Susan. Yeah.

Handsome woman. Yeah.

Very handsome woman.

Oh, no.

You are not seriously
proposing going to a funeral

and trying to pull the
wife of the deceased?

It's what Ted would have wanted.
Oh, please!

He was a great bloke, Ted.

A great sense of humour. Yes.

George, do remember that time when
you annoyed old Ted, and he held you

upside down for 20 minutes and
banged your head on the floor?

Happy days.

So, you liberated the Porsche, then?
Yeah.

It was those private clampers.

They're just cynical opportunists.

They completely ignored
my disabled sticker.

Isn't flambe-being a wheel
clamp illegal, joy?

Yes, Helen, like speeding, which
is why he's in court tomorrow.

It'll be a doddle. I'll
get a dinky little fine

and a slap on the wrist, just
like the last five times.

I mean, if there's
anything I can do, Susan,

I mean, anything at all...
Excuse me. Sorry, Susan.

Could I have a word, please?

Henry, I'm really think you're
crossing the line here.

Yes, you're right.

Ted's not been gone five minutes,
and I'm trying it on with Susan.

I should show some decorum. Exactly.

Leave it till the memorial service.
Oh, for god's sake!

Look, in the meantime,

let's pull the caterers
in honour of poor Ted.

I will not be part of
this tackiness, ok?

We are not here to blag women. We
are here to remember our friend.

No, you're right. It's what
Ted would have wanted.

You feeling better now, Gus?
I'm sorry, Helen.

I had a bit of a composure
shortfall earlier.

I think it was just the
finality of it all.

Yes, the undiscovered country from
whose bourn no traveller returns.

Hamlet. Our amateur dramatic
society did it last year.

I was fortinbras, but Janine the
director said she saw fortinbras

as blonder, so instead I was
fortinbras' personal assistant.

I mean, one day, I just
won't be here any more.

There is a kind of order in
it all, though, isn't there?

The way we are all returned to
dust, break down into molecules,

and then tiny particles of us float
around the world forever and ever.

Just think, there could be a bit
of Julius Caesar in that sandwich.

Excuse me.

I think I helped him come to
terms with it, don't you?

Well, you certainly gave him
something to think about.

Right, more on this policy of
returning the mentally ill

to the care of the lion enclosure.

Authorities say this bloke who
reckons he's the son of god

and jumped in with the lions,

is perfectly safe and discharged him.

Oh, well. They know best.

Joy, let's dig out the footage
from last year of that bloke

who jumped into the same cage.

I wonder what the poor
lions make of it all.

I mean, everyday, they are given
these old haunches of beef to eat,

and then once a year as a treat,

they get something big
wrapped in an anorak.

Then just as they are about to
enjoy it, it gets dragged away.

What you think? I'm attending
a royal gala performance

at covent garden tomorrow.

I'll be sitting directly
behind prince Charles.

You'll have to ask him to
tuck his ears in, then.

It's la traviata.

Oh, that's so sad. When she
dies of consumption...

Yes, can we get on?

Big nuclear proliferation story.
Seems another lot's got the bomb.

Where? Cell 31, whitemoor prison.

Where have you two been? We've been
embarking on a commemorative bender.

We'll leave no drink undrunk...
no girl un-roggered.

..And no hare krishna un-punched.

So, drink and be merry...
For tomorrow we die.

You just speak for yourself, ok?

Now, can we get on? Quite.

Haiti. The Americans
have killed nine people

and they're not from their own side.
Bit of a turn up there.

We've got some more
footage of the killings.

Is it absolutely necessary
to use the word "killings"?

It does carry overtones of...

Death. Yeah.

And I don't think people want to
see too much death on the news.

On the contrary, the viewers
find it reassuring.

They want to see as much death,
anguish and suffering as possible.

All happening to other people.
That's a very cynical view.

It's honest, and I decided life is
too short to be anything but honest.

Viewers are smug,
bloodthirsty bastards.

Peter greenaway's films are crap.

Gerry Adams should have stuck
to using that actor's voice.

Damien loves his Porsche,

because he couldn't have a
relationship with a human being.

You'd be quite nice if you weren't
such an officious tight-arse.

That's the grief talking, Helen.

Do we want this? The oj trial.

Apparently, he's singing and
humming to himself in the court.

Well, he's obviously preparing
for the Broadway version.

Helen, do you think you could
possibly test me on my lines?

Only, we've a rehearsal tonight.

All right. Oh, Romeo and Juliet.

I'm second servant. Ok, away you go.

Aye, boy. Ready?

Is that it?

Well, second servant does have
more lines, but Janine cut them.

She said my performance
was so powerful,

I was drawing attention
away from Romeo.

Right.

George, can we pool our brain
spaces into a centre of excellence?

Coming.

God, I never realised this novel
had such bad language in it.

Whose is it? Mine!

I knew I should have read it
before it went to the publishers.

This is a very lacklustre
running order.

For instance, how are we covering
the falling crime figures?

Well, we're not really sure.

We've never had to report a
drop in crime figures before.

I don't want your excuses, man!

God!

Are you ok, Gus?

George...

When we go...

..Do you think that's it?

Oh, no. I like to think
we go on a journey.

But what with?

If we're in a box,

deep in the cold earth being nibbled,

what's there to take on this journey?

Only the soul makes the journey.

And supposing you had no soul?

Everyone has a soul, Gus.

That's like saying supposing someone
had no heart or no feelings.

Anyway, if that's all...
I can't face it, George.

The thought that, one day,
I won't be here any more.

And it could be tomorrow, couldn't it?

Oh, come off it, Gus.

Stop being so morbid. You've
got so much to live for.

You got your career, you've got...

Good lord, is that the time?

Time waits for no man, eh? Not
that we're short of time.

We've all got bags of time, really.
Time coming out of our ears.

Don't you worry about it.
You keep smiling.

Every "shroud" has a silver lining.

Anyway, perhaps I'll just...

Clock ticks

ticking intensifies

ticking stops

Sally... please. I'm trying to think.

Well, stick at it.
You'll crack it one day.

Morning, George. What's in there?

It's my costume for
tonight's rehearsal.

I've been recast as the fourth fryer.

How many lines has he got?

None. But Janine says that his silence

is the most powerful
statement in the whole play.

Of course. Where is everyone?

Gus rang in to say he's
contactable all day at the gym,

Damien's in court,
joy's gone to watch...

And Dave and Henry, the
sultans of sin, are here.

So, was the night a fitting
memorial to Ted, then?

It certainly was.

It certainly was.

We got through six bottles of
scotch and two blonde caterers.

How come you two haven't got hangovers?

We haven't got hangovers, because
we haven't stopped drinking yet.

Phone rings

hello. Oh, hello, Gus.

What you boning up on opera for, anyway?
It's the royal gala tonight.

If his royal highness
asks me what I think,

I want him to see how
well-informed I am.

Opera's perfectly simple.

Fat tart comes on, fat
tart sings, fat tart dies.

That's all you need to know.

Where you going? Some
player has let Gus down.

He's insisting I go down
to the sports centre.

I do hope he doesn't keep
doing those sliding tackles.

Are you playing football? No, squash.

He's so competitive.
Anyway, shan't be long.

Judges! Sodding judges!

Bunch of Jurassic,
lobotomised transvestites.

Dinky little fine, then, was it?

He's only gone and banned
me for a year from driving.

I mean, isn't that a disgrace?

Bastard said I should set an example.

And the next smirk that I
see wins its lucky owner

a get-away-from-it-all break
to an intensive care unit.

Where the hell is joy?
She's supposed to be

driving the Porsche back.
She should be here by now.

New item nine, three more
prisoners have escaped.

Perhaps they were getting lonely.

I thought, perhaps, we could
just have a knock-up.

A knock-up?

Yeah, you know, a knock-up.

Just play for the fun of it,
rather than as a contest.

I'm sorry, George, you've lost me.

You know, seeing how
many times you can...

Doesn't matter.

Grunts aggressively

one love.

Come on, George, this is
my first game of the day.

Push me to the limit, man.

We don't want to overdo it. None
of us are getting any younger.

That's where you're wrong, George.

They're nice. Yes,
granny left them to me.

She used to use them to
watch me from the house

when I was playing in the garden.

She was always worried
I'd slip my tether.

La traviata tonight, isn't it?

I've always felt that was
verdi's definitive work.

So, you're an opera buff? Well...

Tell me, David, if someone
were to ask you to cite

the top eight opera soloists,
who would you choose?

Well, carreras, obviously.

Um, Domingo.

Pavarotti.

Er, Maserati.

Streptococci.

Trampoliney, windowleney
and hunky-dory.

Yes. Same as my list.

And where the hell have
you been with my Porsche?

Calm down. I just took it for a
burn along the dual carriageway.

What a great feeling, eh?

Roaring past tossers in
BMW's, cutting up panda cars.

What? Don't worry!

I lost them doing a handbrake
turn in the underpass.

Oh, my god! And you've
parked it outside?

Yeah. Good.

Well, it's not there.

Oh, reg from sound asked if
he could take it for a spin.

Reg?

Blind reg?

Yeah. He'll be fine.

You're insured for any
other driver, aren't you?

It's always been his
ambition to drive a Porsche.

He looked so chuffed sitting
there behind the wheel,

feeling for the gear stick...

Oh, no! I'm teasing, Damien.

Blind reg didn't take it for a spin.
Oh, thank god.

It was psycho Pete from security.

Don't worry, I made sure
he took his librium first.

In my opinion, George, the best
thing for this dizzy spell

of yours is another
long, exciting rally.

Do you know, a cult in
California claims that,

through constant aerobic
activity and positive thinking,

you can actually stop
the ageing process.

Oh, really?

I've sent off for the book.
Forever on five dollars a day.

I've just got to go for it.

Do you realise what it would mean

if I could achieve my physical
renewal performance target?

The fateful day might never come.

Gus hedges would be immortal.

He what? He wants to live forever.

He's found this cult that are
into cellular reawakening.

What do you think? I want
to make a good impression

on prince Charles. After
all, you never know.

What's that supposed to mean?
You never...

Oh, my god, she thinks
she can pull Charles.

Hell's bells, queen Sally I.
Think of the embarrassment.

All those hgvs parked out the
back of Buckingham Palace.

Well, come on, there's
no chance, is there?

Charles is hardly likely to marry
a manipulative, air-headed...

Oh, shit!

She has to be stopped!

All right, very funny.

Who dubbed the bishop of durham
using the voice of Julian clary?

To Ted! To Ted!

When are you two going to grow up?
Bzz! Pass.

Phone rings

hello. Oh, hello, Gus.
How's things going?

Getting fitter and younger.

Yes! You bastard!

Tell Dave to get his
arse down here for six.

I need fresh blood.

Helen, listen, about
tomorrow morning, I will,

as ever, try to get in
as quickly as I can,

but you may have to see
me when you see me.

The rail strike's been settled.

Oh, good.

Well, what do you think? Very nice.

I have to say, my dear, you look
just like Audrey hepburn...

Oh, Henry.

..As she is now.

Hello, Janine. I've had
a bit of a disaster.

Well, I brought my
fourth friar's costume

into the office, and somebody
seems to have walked off with it.

Well, I must say, you're
taking it very well.

Ok. Yes.

Right, thanks.

Has she got another costume?

No, she's recast me as an understudy...

..To the prompter. Well, that's...

I'll just go and get the running order.

Hey, Damien, psycho Pete has just
pulled up in your Willy-mobile.

I daren't look.

No, it's ok, there's not a mark on it.

He's parking it nicely, and
he's getting out of it now.

Oh, thank god for that.

And blind reg is getting in. What?

What's he doing in my car?
It's his turn.

His turn? Yes, nice little fundraiser.

�20 a spin, all proceeds
to Ted's widow.

Oh, Jesus!

Bad news, brain death,
these things don't work.

What are you talking about, philistine?

Give them to someone who
still has motor functions.

Oh, there, you see,
they work perfectly.

I can see every egg stain
on George's cardigan.

Well, must dash.

Don't want to keep his
royal highness waiting.

I'm sure you'll make a
lasting impression.

I intend to.

What is it now? For the last time,
you two, this is a place of work.

Since when?

All right, then, I'll have
paddy ashdown for 20p,

and Michael maid for 40p.
What are you doing?

We're playing fantasy government.

You select an imaginary cabinet team,

then you get points every time one
of your choices cocks something up.

You can pick any public figure.
Although, obviously,

no-one's allowed to pick John Major,
otherwise there's no point playing.

I'm cleaning up. I've
got Michael Howard.

I just wanted to say
that your juvenile,

little prank failed abysmally.

Because of the daily conspiracy
against me in this office,

I'm on constant alert, and
you would have to get up

very early in the morning
to catch me out.

Good night, children.

Sally!

Yes, little miss memo?

Have a nice evening.

201, 202, 203...

Mr hedges. Yes.

I'm Simon gish, the manager here.

I understand you are about
to play another game.

Just waiting for my next opponent.

Yes, it's just you've played 11
games in succession now and...

Well, don't you think
you've played enough?

No, siree. I'm in major
cellular rejuvenation mode.

Fast tracking my way to
eternal biological viability.

Yes, indeedy.

And I'm not stopping now.

Very well.

But I must stress,
it's at your own risk.

There's no risk.

I'm an anti-mortality machine.
Regenerating, vibrating with life.

He chuckles

Gus hedges.

You're looking at him. Gasps

oh, my god!

You will take that costume off

before we reach the
hospital, won't you, sir?

Yes, of course, sorry.

Everything all right? Yeah.

Just a minor cardiac disturbance.

Nature's way of giving you
the yellow card, mate.

Let's get you off to hospital.

Just got to make a slight detour.

Some blind twat has wrapped a
Porsche around a lamp post.

Is he all right? Yeah.
Well, the driver's fine,

but a bystander's had
a bit of a breakdown.

Keeps cuddling the wreckage.

We've made a day of it, haven't we?

We've caused blind reg
to total Damien's car,

we've given Damien a nervous breakdown,

and we've hospitalised
Gus with a heart attack.

It's what Ted would have wanted.

I reckon Gus has
been pretty lucky.

I'll say. Finding
a hospital that's open.

No, it means he'll miss the
labour party conference.

God, I'm not looking forward to that.

Nor is Tony Blair. Is Tony Blair
a member of the labour party?

And we'll have to edit down all
those Gordon brown speeches.

Oh, yes, what was he blathering
on about the other day?

The growth of post-neoclassical
indigenous growth theory.

Don't think he's related
to Gus, do you?

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