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And now, drop the dead donkey.
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00:00:02,920 --> 00:00:05,759
This episode was first
shown in march '93,
3
00:00:05,760 --> 00:00:08,919
in a week when Fiona
Armstrong quit gmtv,
4
00:00:08,920 --> 00:00:11,199
the BBC axed eldorado,
5
00:00:11,200 --> 00:00:15,120
and John birt's tax arrangements
continued to spark controversy.
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00:00:53,080 --> 00:00:56,559
Gus: All right, mate? Terrific show.
Hope you win.
7
00:00:56,560 --> 00:00:58,079
Splendid.
8
00:00:58,080 --> 00:01:01,199
All right, mate? Terrific show.
Hope you win!
9
00:01:01,200 --> 00:01:03,239
Who was that? Haven't a clue.
10
00:01:03,240 --> 00:01:05,519
Jolly good. How are...?
How are you, Neil?
11
00:01:05,520 --> 00:01:08,279
Hello. Good to see you. Hard luck.
12
00:01:08,280 --> 00:01:11,799
I voted for you, mate. Hey,
we must have lunch sometime.
13
00:01:11,800 --> 00:01:15,040
Yeah, sure, yeah. I'd
rather have smallpox.
14
00:01:18,560 --> 00:01:21,519
Come on, Henry, enter into
the spirit of it a bit more.
15
00:01:21,520 --> 00:01:23,519
Oh, look, there's Fiona Armstrong.
16
00:01:23,520 --> 00:01:27,039
Hello, Fiona. Quitting to spend
more time with the family?
17
00:01:27,040 --> 00:01:29,640
Well, at least now more people
will see you in the mornings.
18
00:01:32,440 --> 00:01:34,359
Oh, joy, excellent to see you!
19
00:01:34,360 --> 00:01:37,199
You don't have to do that,
Gus, I'm someone you know.
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00:01:37,200 --> 00:01:39,040
Gus, how lovely to see you!
21
00:01:40,880 --> 00:01:42,719
Your dress!
22
00:01:42,720 --> 00:01:45,159
Mm, gorgeous, isn't it?
23
00:01:45,160 --> 00:01:48,999
Why, it's exactly the same as yours.
24
00:01:49,000 --> 00:01:52,119
Well, what were the odds against that?
25
00:01:52,120 --> 00:01:54,319
Gus, what's she doing here?!
26
00:01:54,320 --> 00:01:55,879
Well, we had a spare ticket
27
00:01:55,880 --> 00:01:59,039
and I thought she was the
most telegenic of the staff.
28
00:01:59,040 --> 00:02:00,759
Excuse me, Gus,
29
00:02:00,760 --> 00:02:03,519
the photographers want a
picture of me and Lynn yates.
30
00:02:03,520 --> 00:02:07,519
Apparently, the best foreign award
is between my Somalia story
31
00:02:07,520 --> 00:02:10,279
and her yugoslavia one.
32
00:02:10,280 --> 00:02:12,199
Photographer: So, who's going to win?
33
00:02:12,200 --> 00:02:14,879
Oh, it really doesn't matter.
We're both on the same side.
34
00:02:14,880 --> 00:02:16,439
The side of truth.
35
00:02:16,440 --> 00:02:18,359
Exactly! I hope you win, Damien.
36
00:02:18,360 --> 00:02:21,399
No, I really think you deserve it, eh?
Good luck!
37
00:02:21,400 --> 00:02:23,720
Hope the bitch dies.
38
00:02:25,440 --> 00:02:27,079
Looking forward to tonight, George?
39
00:02:27,080 --> 00:02:30,159
Oh, yes. Good to relax.
Get away from the office.
40
00:02:30,160 --> 00:02:32,679
What do you think we should do
about this rise in road tax?
41
00:02:32,680 --> 00:02:35,319
It's outrageous. It'll
hit the poorer people.
42
00:02:35,320 --> 00:02:37,279
I wouldn't have thought
you'd be concerned.
43
00:02:37,280 --> 00:02:39,319
Well, of course I am.
44
00:02:39,320 --> 00:02:41,719
What is the point in having a
flash car, like a Porsche,
45
00:02:41,720 --> 00:02:44,999
if you can't zoom past the
cheaper ones looking cool?
46
00:02:45,000 --> 00:02:48,119
I suppose we ought to mention
this speculation that sir roysten
47
00:02:48,120 --> 00:02:50,559
may be selling his stake in globelink.
48
00:02:50,560 --> 00:02:53,439
I don't think so, George.
We are globelink news.
49
00:02:53,440 --> 00:02:55,199
Not tittle tattle television.
50
00:02:55,200 --> 00:02:57,239
All right, now, listen
up award busters.
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00:02:57,240 --> 00:02:58,720
Team talk, come along.
52
00:03:00,000 --> 00:03:03,159
I have got, I have got
some terrific news.
53
00:03:03,160 --> 00:03:05,479
I've just discovered that
the awards committee...
54
00:03:05,480 --> 00:03:07,399
Bunch of wankers!
55
00:03:07,400 --> 00:03:09,999
..That the awards committee
have given tonight's award
56
00:03:10,000 --> 00:03:13,879
for lifetime's contribution
to broadcasting... to Henry.
57
00:03:13,880 --> 00:03:16,399
Henry, that's brilliant! Well
done, mate! Congratulations.
58
00:03:16,400 --> 00:03:17,800
Like I said, bunch of wankers.
59
00:03:18,960 --> 00:03:20,319
Very odd reaction.
60
00:03:20,320 --> 00:03:22,919
Obviously, we have a kid glove
handling situation with Henry
61
00:03:22,920 --> 00:03:25,559
so let's make sure... Minister!
Good to see you.
62
00:03:25,560 --> 00:03:27,479
Oh, good to see you again, erm...
63
00:03:27,480 --> 00:03:31,519
Gus hedges. We met at John
major's opinion formers' lunch.
64
00:03:31,520 --> 00:03:34,559
And I know John very well.
We've met twice.
65
00:03:34,560 --> 00:03:37,359
Well, I've met him
three times, actually.
66
00:03:37,360 --> 00:03:39,919
Meeting the prime minister
that amount of times
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00:03:39,920 --> 00:03:41,999
amounts to a major achievement!
They laugh
68
00:03:42,000 --> 00:03:43,639
"major achievement," it's very funny.
69
00:03:43,640 --> 00:03:45,239
We must mingle, Richard.
70
00:03:45,240 --> 00:03:47,519
Oh, yes. It was lovely
to see you, erm...
71
00:03:47,520 --> 00:03:50,040
Sally and Gus. Sally and Gus.
72
00:03:51,400 --> 00:03:54,319
You know, that man, that man could
be our next Prime Minister.
73
00:03:54,320 --> 00:03:55,999
Well, he's stupid enough!
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00:03:56,000 --> 00:03:58,719
Well, he's the classic
ambitious young Tory.
75
00:03:58,720 --> 00:04:01,679
Got a safe constituency,
strong backbench support
76
00:04:01,680 --> 00:04:03,119
and a mistress in pimlico.
77
00:04:03,120 --> 00:04:06,399
Shush! Don't bandy that around!
It's only a rumour.
78
00:04:06,400 --> 00:04:09,399
Anyway, let's operate a zipped
lips scenario over this one.
79
00:04:09,400 --> 00:04:11,759
Oh, come on, Gus, no-one's
going to be so unprofessional
80
00:04:11,760 --> 00:04:13,519
as to raise something like that.
81
00:04:13,520 --> 00:04:16,120
I see the pimlico pussy poker's
talking to David frost.
82
00:04:17,080 --> 00:04:18,480
Gus!
83
00:04:19,480 --> 00:04:21,039
How are things going?
84
00:04:21,040 --> 00:04:24,159
Sorry to hear about sir roysten
selling his stake in globelink.
85
00:04:24,160 --> 00:04:27,119
Oh, that's just idle speculation.
Not according to our city desk.
86
00:04:27,120 --> 00:04:30,039
Look, if it is true and you find
that the new regime don't want you,
87
00:04:30,040 --> 00:04:32,559
don't worry, they'll always be a
job for you with us at the beeb.
88
00:04:32,560 --> 00:04:34,479
That's very kind, Gary. Yeah.
89
00:04:34,480 --> 00:04:36,399
Both: Cos tea boys are hard to find!
90
00:04:36,400 --> 00:04:38,799
They laugh
91
00:04:38,800 --> 00:04:40,519
forced laughter
92
00:04:40,520 --> 00:04:43,279
old Gary and Barry, always joshing!
93
00:04:43,280 --> 00:04:45,199
Sir roysten wouldn't
do something like that
94
00:04:45,200 --> 00:04:46,640
without letting me know, would he?
95
00:04:48,960 --> 00:04:51,039
Time we were going in. Come on, George.
96
00:04:51,040 --> 00:04:53,200
And take that coat off!
97
00:04:57,200 --> 00:04:59,640
I was working too late
to get to moss bros.
98
00:05:04,920 --> 00:05:09,039
Don't get me wrong, sue, I think
you're a terrific newscaster.
99
00:05:09,040 --> 00:05:13,599
I just feel that if you want
to break into the top Echelon,
100
00:05:13,600 --> 00:05:16,399
you do need to extend your range.
101
00:05:16,400 --> 00:05:18,639
Extend my range?
102
00:05:18,640 --> 00:05:24,719
Yes, you know, write recipe
books, bring out exercise videos,
103
00:05:24,720 --> 00:05:28,839
open the odd DIY centre. Just
lighten the image up a bit.
104
00:05:28,840 --> 00:05:32,479
Thank you for the advice, Sally.
It's my pleasure.
105
00:05:32,480 --> 00:05:35,279
And, if you need any little
hints on dress sense,
106
00:05:35,280 --> 00:05:37,279
don't feel embarrassed to come to me.
107
00:05:37,280 --> 00:05:39,560
I see somebody already has.
108
00:05:43,480 --> 00:05:45,400
Evening, Elvis.
109
00:05:48,960 --> 00:05:52,799
Helen, listen, do you fancy the two
of us going on somewhere afterwards?
110
00:05:52,800 --> 00:05:54,279
You know, if you feel like it?
111
00:05:54,280 --> 00:05:58,759
Dave, for the last time, there
are three very good reasons
112
00:05:58,760 --> 00:06:01,359
why you and I are not
fated to be lovers.
113
00:06:01,360 --> 00:06:03,159
One - we work together,
114
00:06:03,160 --> 00:06:05,479
two - we're emotionally incompatible,
115
00:06:05,480 --> 00:06:07,599
three - I'm a lesbian.
116
00:06:07,600 --> 00:06:10,160
Oh, look, you're just
looking for obstacles now!
117
00:06:11,160 --> 00:06:14,279
Look, Helen, if the problem
is me, I can change.
118
00:06:14,280 --> 00:06:16,280
But not into a woman.
119
00:06:17,440 --> 00:06:19,719
All right, you two?
120
00:06:19,720 --> 00:06:21,279
All right, Sally?
121
00:06:21,280 --> 00:06:24,160
Just putting zeinab badawi
straight about lipstick.
122
00:06:25,360 --> 00:06:26,599
What are you doing, Damien?
123
00:06:26,600 --> 00:06:30,439
Oh, look, he's writing
his acceptance speech.
124
00:06:30,440 --> 00:06:31,959
Dave laughs
125
00:06:31,960 --> 00:06:36,119
"this award is not for me, but
for the people of Somalia..."
126
00:06:36,120 --> 00:06:37,559
Oh, look, give me that!
127
00:06:37,560 --> 00:06:39,959
"I was privileged to share
their hopes, their fears
128
00:06:39,960 --> 00:06:41,999
"and often their suffering"?!
129
00:06:42,000 --> 00:06:44,959
Room service is very poor
at the mogadishu Hilton.
130
00:06:44,960 --> 00:06:47,359
Yeah, well, it wasn't by
staying in some hotel room
131
00:06:47,360 --> 00:06:49,399
that I managed to get
that great footage
132
00:06:49,400 --> 00:06:52,999
of emaciated, starving children
desperately reaching out for food.
133
00:06:53,000 --> 00:06:55,959
Oh, for heaven's sake!
Don't you two know?
134
00:06:55,960 --> 00:07:00,199
It's very bad manners to talk about
starving people at the dinner table.
135
00:07:00,200 --> 00:07:01,599
Honestly!
136
00:07:01,600 --> 00:07:03,559
I've just been talking to
the boys from the beeb.
137
00:07:03,560 --> 00:07:06,079
They reckon they're gonna get
these new Japanese computers
138
00:07:06,080 --> 00:07:07,599
that don't need keyboards.
139
00:07:07,600 --> 00:07:10,199
They just detect the
waves from the brain.
140
00:07:10,200 --> 00:07:13,160
Oh, if Dave had one, it
would have to be a laptop.
141
00:07:16,160 --> 00:07:18,959
I, er, hope you don't
mind me interrupting?
142
00:07:18,960 --> 00:07:21,119
Oh, no, not at all.
143
00:07:21,120 --> 00:07:23,400
I just felt you should know...
144
00:07:25,640 --> 00:07:28,199
..Someone in the media's
been circulating
145
00:07:28,200 --> 00:07:31,559
some appalling rumours about you...
146
00:07:31,560 --> 00:07:33,719
Well, having an affair.
147
00:07:33,720 --> 00:07:35,519
Really?
148
00:07:35,520 --> 00:07:39,119
Obviously, they're totally invented.
Yeah, obviously. I...
149
00:07:39,120 --> 00:07:43,239
You don't happen to know what it
is they've invented, exactly?
150
00:07:43,240 --> 00:07:46,559
Well, I did hear talk of some
rather intimate photographs of you,
151
00:07:46,560 --> 00:07:48,880
but I expect they just
superimposed the head.
152
00:07:51,480 --> 00:07:54,920
The head? Oh, I see, yes.
153
00:07:56,200 --> 00:07:59,159
Hi, sal. Lovely dress.
Where's captain bollocks?
154
00:07:59,160 --> 00:08:00,680
Who? He's over there.
155
00:08:02,760 --> 00:08:05,239
Gus! I just wanted to...
156
00:08:05,240 --> 00:08:07,879
Good grief, what's that behind you?
What?
157
00:08:07,880 --> 00:08:11,040
Oh, it's just your career. They laugh
158
00:08:15,080 --> 00:08:16,920
what a pair of pranksters, eh?
159
00:08:18,040 --> 00:08:20,279
Sir roysten's selling up indeed.
160
00:08:20,280 --> 00:08:23,359
Well, he has been meeting with a
consortium of potential buyers.
161
00:08:23,360 --> 00:08:27,119
I knew that! Of course I did. You
shouldn't read too much into it.
162
00:08:27,120 --> 00:08:29,519
Look, it's a night
away from the office,
163
00:08:29,520 --> 00:08:31,839
so why don't we just sit back, relax
164
00:08:31,840 --> 00:08:34,439
and enjoy Henry picking
up his big award?
165
00:08:34,440 --> 00:08:36,279
I'm not accepting the damn thing!
166
00:08:36,280 --> 00:08:38,799
What?! Too bloody late.
167
00:08:38,800 --> 00:08:41,279
Reggie, Sandy, Robin - they
all got one years ago.
168
00:08:41,280 --> 00:08:43,559
Me, I never got anything
at an award ceremony,
169
00:08:43,560 --> 00:08:45,599
apart from a rather bad case of thrush
170
00:08:45,600 --> 00:08:47,999
when I picked up one of the waitresses.
171
00:08:48,000 --> 00:08:49,879
Now they've decided
to present me with a
172
00:08:49,880 --> 00:08:51,679
"we can't think of anyone
else to give it to,
173
00:08:51,680 --> 00:08:54,239
"so let's give it to what's his
name before he snuffs it" award.
174
00:08:54,240 --> 00:08:55,879
Well, sod 'em!
175
00:08:55,880 --> 00:08:57,999
I'm going to the bar to
drink myself stupid.
176
00:08:58,000 --> 00:09:00,000
But how will we tell?
177
00:09:01,720 --> 00:09:04,439
When he starts sounding like you. Joy!
178
00:09:04,440 --> 00:09:08,199
? Are you lonesome tonight? ?
179
00:09:08,200 --> 00:09:10,279
Joy, are you going to
spend this entire evening
180
00:09:10,280 --> 00:09:11,839
just deliberately annoying people?
181
00:09:11,840 --> 00:09:13,880
Why else would I come?
182
00:09:14,960 --> 00:09:18,920
Oh, look, there's Jenny seagrove.
This should be fun.
183
00:09:20,480 --> 00:09:24,359
Both chanting: Closing down,
closing down, closing down!
184
00:09:24,360 --> 00:09:26,079
What the hell do you
think you're doing?
185
00:09:26,080 --> 00:09:29,239
It's the executive
producer of eldorado.
186
00:09:29,240 --> 00:09:31,519
Want a refill?
187
00:09:31,520 --> 00:09:33,399
No, thanks.
188
00:09:33,400 --> 00:09:37,039
Do you want to marry me? Very funny.
189
00:09:37,040 --> 00:09:38,400
I mean it.
190
00:09:41,840 --> 00:09:43,200
Helen, um...
191
00:09:45,240 --> 00:09:46,879
..Will you be my wife?
192
00:09:46,880 --> 00:09:49,520
Oh, shit, you're serious.
193
00:09:50,960 --> 00:09:53,759
I'm sorry. "Oh, shit, you're serious,"
194
00:09:53,760 --> 00:09:56,039
is not quite the response
you wanted, was it?
195
00:09:56,040 --> 00:09:59,119
Why the hell do you
wanna marry me, anyway?
196
00:09:59,120 --> 00:10:02,319
Because it's... different with you.
I just wanna be with you.
197
00:10:02,320 --> 00:10:04,439
This is absurd.
198
00:10:04,440 --> 00:10:07,279
I know we slept together, once.
199
00:10:07,280 --> 00:10:09,319
But I'm just not interested, ok?
200
00:10:09,320 --> 00:10:11,839
All right, fine. You're
scared of commitment.
201
00:10:11,840 --> 00:10:13,679
Scared of commitment?!
202
00:10:13,680 --> 00:10:17,559
This from the man who's been through
more secretaries than Alfred marks.
203
00:10:17,560 --> 00:10:21,559
Seen our friend the minister
going around the tables
204
00:10:21,560 --> 00:10:25,239
having private chats with all
the editors. Any idea why?
205
00:10:25,240 --> 00:10:28,319
Oh, he just likes chatting
over a glass of wine.
206
00:10:28,320 --> 00:10:30,159
Richard's always been very clubbable.
207
00:10:30,160 --> 00:10:32,639
Yeah, anyone got a club?
208
00:10:32,640 --> 00:10:36,479
I was just telling him what a
well-judged budget it was.
209
00:10:36,480 --> 00:10:39,079
Well, the way I see it,
in order to benefit,
210
00:10:39,080 --> 00:10:41,479
you'd have to be a
racehorse-owning whiskey drinker
211
00:10:41,480 --> 00:10:43,639
who's liable to die before September.
212
00:10:43,640 --> 00:10:45,600
So, good news for Henry.
213
00:10:48,240 --> 00:10:50,199
I've just had a very odd conversation
214
00:10:50,200 --> 00:10:53,599
with Jenny seagrove, joy.
She didn't appreciate your
215
00:10:53,600 --> 00:10:56,200
"doesn't his zimmer frame
get in the way?" Joke.
216
00:10:57,400 --> 00:10:59,879
And I don't think John birt's
wife appreciated Henry asking
217
00:10:59,880 --> 00:11:02,519
if she'd do some typing for him.
218
00:11:02,520 --> 00:11:03,879
Jon snow: Ladies and gentlemen,
219
00:11:03,880 --> 00:11:05,799
the actual ceremony is about to begin,
220
00:11:05,800 --> 00:11:08,159
so could you please
return to your places.
221
00:11:08,160 --> 00:11:10,599
Gus, more good news about sir roysten.
222
00:11:10,600 --> 00:11:13,399
Didn't you hear that? He said
to get back to your seats!
223
00:11:13,400 --> 00:11:15,680
Both: Ooh!
224
00:11:17,840 --> 00:11:23,079
And now to present the award for
best foreign report, sue carpenter.
225
00:11:23,080 --> 00:11:25,080
Applause
226
00:11:27,960 --> 00:11:29,199
Sally: Oh, dear.
227
00:11:29,200 --> 00:11:31,559
Those earrings are a mistake.
228
00:11:31,560 --> 00:11:33,880
Your royal highness,
ladies and gentlemen...
229
00:11:36,040 --> 00:11:39,399
..The winner is... Lynn yates
for her report from Sarajevo.
230
00:11:39,400 --> 00:11:40,799
Applause
231
00:11:40,800 --> 00:11:45,279
please, god, let the cow fall down
the stairs and break her neck.
232
00:11:45,280 --> 00:11:49,240
This award is not for me, but
for the people of yugoslavia.
233
00:11:50,240 --> 00:11:51,879
I was fortunate enough to share...
234
00:11:51,880 --> 00:11:54,239
Very good, isn't she?
235
00:11:54,240 --> 00:11:57,159
Never mind, Damien. Nice smile.
236
00:11:57,160 --> 00:12:00,639
And we're going to win one gong,
because you're up next, Henry.
237
00:12:00,640 --> 00:12:02,320
You wanna bet?
238
00:12:05,200 --> 00:12:09,200
And we'll be back after the break.
Jingle
239
00:12:10,600 --> 00:12:12,599
Helen, I've been meaning to say,
240
00:12:12,600 --> 00:12:16,159
about that time when I asked
you out and you said no.
241
00:12:16,160 --> 00:12:19,039
I was childish and I'm sorry.
242
00:12:19,040 --> 00:12:21,999
I can see there's a bit of a spark
between you and young Dave,
243
00:12:22,000 --> 00:12:25,679
and, well, you're my friends.
244
00:12:25,680 --> 00:12:28,800
You're young, you're in love.
245
00:12:30,040 --> 00:12:32,600
So god bless you.
246
00:12:33,560 --> 00:12:35,999
I appreciate you're trying to help,
247
00:12:36,000 --> 00:12:38,999
but if you say one more word,
I shall remove the remnants
248
00:12:39,000 --> 00:12:42,679
of your brain via your ear
hole with this corkscrew.
249
00:12:42,680 --> 00:12:45,159
Well, that's very nice.
You try to be helpful
250
00:12:45,160 --> 00:12:47,239
and then people just
resort to unpleasantness,
251
00:12:47,240 --> 00:12:49,159
and then trigger your
mystery tummy trouble.
252
00:12:49,160 --> 00:12:51,519
Excuse me.
253
00:12:51,520 --> 00:12:55,799
Well, I'm sorry, but he can
be a real Wally sometimes.
254
00:12:55,800 --> 00:12:58,679
You know, you get a lovely spark
in your eye when you're angry.
255
00:12:58,680 --> 00:13:00,759
Give me strength.
256
00:13:00,760 --> 00:13:04,519
Gus, how are you, you old son of a gun?
257
00:13:04,520 --> 00:13:08,639
Oh, I'm a-1, 200%, all systems
go and ace, triff and brill.
258
00:13:08,640 --> 00:13:11,639
Good, good. Not too worried, then,
259
00:13:11,640 --> 00:13:14,439
by all these rumours about
sir roysten shipping out?
260
00:13:14,440 --> 00:13:16,999
Oh, there's always this
silly gossip flying around.
261
00:13:17,000 --> 00:13:19,599
Absolutely. For instance,
at the moment,
262
00:13:19,600 --> 00:13:22,679
I understand there's this
laughable rumour circulating
263
00:13:22,680 --> 00:13:25,039
about me and my personal assistant.
264
00:13:25,040 --> 00:13:27,039
Is there?
265
00:13:27,040 --> 00:13:31,519
I've been having a chat with some
of the other top news executives.
266
00:13:31,520 --> 00:13:34,679
They all felt that the airwaves
shouldn't be cheapened
267
00:13:34,680 --> 00:13:36,959
by this sort of tittle-tattle.
268
00:13:36,960 --> 00:13:38,479
Oh, absolutely.
269
00:13:38,480 --> 00:13:41,319
I'm a committed
anti-tittle-tattle person.
270
00:13:41,320 --> 00:13:44,919
And globelink news would never
touch any unsubstantiated tapes
271
00:13:44,920 --> 00:13:47,760
of two people having
sex in a pimlico flat.
272
00:13:48,920 --> 00:13:50,439
Excellent.
273
00:13:50,440 --> 00:13:52,519
Besides, it doesn't sound
anything like you.
274
00:13:52,520 --> 00:13:55,480
Almost the whole of the office agree.
No, no.
275
00:13:56,520 --> 00:13:58,199
We'd never touch that sort of stuff.
276
00:13:58,200 --> 00:14:00,959
We are a serious news organisation.
277
00:14:00,960 --> 00:14:03,959
I have just been discussing
the BBC's yugoslavia coverage
278
00:14:03,960 --> 00:14:05,919
with Michael buerk. Ah, there, you see.
279
00:14:05,920 --> 00:14:07,399
"Michael," I said,
280
00:14:07,400 --> 00:14:09,759
"don't let Kate adie do reports
in that quilted waistcoat.
281
00:14:09,760 --> 00:14:12,240
"She looks like something out
of a littlewoods catalogue."
282
00:14:13,360 --> 00:14:15,119
Well, you deserved it, Lynn.
283
00:14:15,120 --> 00:14:17,599
And, listen, you just
ignore all those people
284
00:14:17,600 --> 00:14:20,359
who are putting your
win down to tokenism.
285
00:14:20,360 --> 00:14:23,399
No, I'm sure the fact that
you're a telegenic girly
286
00:14:23,400 --> 00:14:25,319
never entered the judges' heads.
287
00:14:25,320 --> 00:14:28,679
Quite. Just as I'm sure the
judges ignored all those rumours
288
00:14:28,680 --> 00:14:31,879
about you sellotaping a
cheese sandwich to the camera
289
00:14:31,880 --> 00:14:34,639
to get that starving
refugee shot in Somalia.
290
00:14:34,640 --> 00:14:37,679
Yeah, actually, I'm
still a little puzzled
291
00:14:37,680 --> 00:14:42,079
as to how that rumour got into
circulation, because as I recall
292
00:14:42,080 --> 00:14:45,999
you were the only other Western
correspondent there at the time.
293
00:14:46,000 --> 00:14:47,959
So I was.
294
00:14:47,960 --> 00:14:50,919
You got to the judges, didn't you?
295
00:14:50,920 --> 00:14:54,439
Hello, you two. Nice to
see competitors smiling.
296
00:14:54,440 --> 00:14:56,999
I'm gonna kill the bitch.
Oh, no, not again.
297
00:14:57,000 --> 00:14:59,199
You just wait, yates!
Down a dark alley...
298
00:14:59,200 --> 00:15:01,039
Come with me. Yeah,
well, she's dead, mate!
299
00:15:01,040 --> 00:15:02,599
Ladies and gentlemen,
300
00:15:02,600 --> 00:15:05,079
the second half of tonight's
ceremony is about to commence.
301
00:15:05,080 --> 00:15:06,719
Please return to your seats.
302
00:15:06,720 --> 00:15:08,639
But where's Henry? It's his award next.
303
00:15:08,640 --> 00:15:10,719
He's just ordering a whiskey.
304
00:15:10,720 --> 00:15:14,639
The cameras will be on him. I
trust he's not going to sit there
305
00:15:14,640 --> 00:15:16,480
with a glass of scotch in front of him.
306
00:15:20,080 --> 00:15:23,599
Henry, er, it's, um... It's...
it's your award next.
307
00:15:23,600 --> 00:15:26,679
You... you are going to
accept it, aren't you?
308
00:15:26,680 --> 00:15:29,359
Henry? Jingle plays
309
00:15:29,360 --> 00:15:31,079
welcome back, viewers.
310
00:15:31,080 --> 00:15:33,359
And we continue now
with the special award
311
00:15:33,360 --> 00:15:36,479
for lifetime contribution
to factual broadcasting,
312
00:15:36,480 --> 00:15:40,679
and, to present this award, the
right honourable Neil kinnock.
313
00:15:40,680 --> 00:15:42,800
Applause
314
00:15:47,840 --> 00:15:50,159
your royal highness,
ladies and gentlemen,
315
00:15:50,160 --> 00:15:54,559
this award goes to the
king of newsreaders.
316
00:15:54,560 --> 00:15:59,040
A man of huge authority, but of
great charm and warmth, too.
317
00:16:00,040 --> 00:16:02,359
Henry, the cameras are on you.
318
00:16:02,360 --> 00:16:07,999
He richly deserves his place in the
pantheon of British broadcasters.
319
00:16:08,000 --> 00:16:10,359
Please, Henry.
320
00:16:10,360 --> 00:16:14,439
The man, of course, is none
other than Henry Davenport.
321
00:16:14,440 --> 00:16:16,880
Applause
322
00:16:25,920 --> 00:16:27,959
well...
323
00:16:27,960 --> 00:16:31,079
Oh, gosh, ladies and gentlemen,
324
00:16:31,080 --> 00:16:33,639
this comes as a total surprise.
325
00:16:33,640 --> 00:16:35,439
I don't know...
326
00:16:35,440 --> 00:16:38,440
I don't know what to
say, except to, um...
327
00:16:40,440 --> 00:16:42,439
..To thank all my colleagues.
328
00:16:42,440 --> 00:16:44,279
Mobile rings
329
00:16:44,280 --> 00:16:47,639
however, it may be an appropriate
moment for me to make...
330
00:16:47,640 --> 00:16:50,479
Hello? ..A few small reflections...
331
00:16:50,480 --> 00:16:53,760
It's sir roysten, for you...
On my time in TV journalism.
332
00:16:55,040 --> 00:16:59,719
It was many years ago when I...
333
00:16:59,720 --> 00:17:02,239
I see, sir roysten.
334
00:17:02,240 --> 00:17:05,919
So what attitude do you think the
new owners will take towards me?
335
00:17:05,920 --> 00:17:08,319
More years than I care to remember,
336
00:17:08,320 --> 00:17:11,919
I have worked with all the TV giants,
337
00:17:11,920 --> 00:17:14,040
the giants of TV news...
338
00:17:15,120 --> 00:17:18,479
But sadly, they've all gone,
339
00:17:18,480 --> 00:17:21,879
and our industry is now run...
340
00:17:21,880 --> 00:17:23,840
By pygmies!
341
00:17:24,920 --> 00:17:30,639
Anodyne androids like
him and him and him.
342
00:17:30,640 --> 00:17:35,279
And our so-called chief executive,
343
00:17:35,280 --> 00:17:38,000
who has the intellect
of a cheeseburger!
344
00:17:40,240 --> 00:17:44,519
Well, I... I'm perfectly happy to
move my things out of the office,
345
00:17:44,520 --> 00:17:47,560
but is it really necessary for
me to hoover the room as well?
346
00:17:49,040 --> 00:17:51,079
Whatever you say.
347
00:17:51,080 --> 00:17:53,039
And there's definitely
no chance of a post
348
00:17:53,040 --> 00:17:54,719
elsewhere in your organisation?
349
00:17:54,720 --> 00:17:58,159
Man: No, no, no, no, no, no, Gus.
350
00:17:58,160 --> 00:18:00,759
What do you think of my sir
roysten impression, then, eh?
351
00:18:00,760 --> 00:18:03,080
Laughter
352
00:18:05,960 --> 00:18:09,159
applause
353
00:18:09,160 --> 00:18:11,159
and we'll be back after the break.
354
00:18:11,160 --> 00:18:13,920
Jingle
355
00:18:14,880 --> 00:18:18,319
Helen, listen... I'm sorry
I snapped at you earlier.
356
00:18:18,320 --> 00:18:22,759
I can't tell you how I feel, so...
I've written you this.
357
00:18:22,760 --> 00:18:24,600
It's a poem.
358
00:18:25,800 --> 00:18:27,159
You can read it later.
359
00:18:27,160 --> 00:18:29,519
No, I'll read it now.
360
00:18:29,520 --> 00:18:31,200
Out loud.
361
00:18:32,560 --> 00:18:34,599
Listen up, everyone.
Dave's written me a poem.
362
00:18:34,600 --> 00:18:36,199
Oh, no. No, no, no.
363
00:18:36,200 --> 00:18:41,079
Walk gently, maiden for you
are treading on my heart...
364
00:18:41,080 --> 00:18:42,439
Oh, this is horrible.
365
00:18:42,440 --> 00:18:44,319
Pretty bad, yeah. What
are you trying to do?!
366
00:18:44,320 --> 00:18:46,399
Shock you into seeing some sense!
367
00:18:46,400 --> 00:18:48,079
Do you still think you
want to marry me?
368
00:18:48,080 --> 00:18:51,759
Yes! All right, then I'm reading on.
369
00:18:51,760 --> 00:18:53,799
You are my compass... i
know what you're doing.
370
00:18:53,800 --> 00:18:55,719
You're running from your own feelings.
371
00:18:55,720 --> 00:18:59,479
For the umpteenth time, I
would never marry you.
372
00:18:59,480 --> 00:19:01,879
I would never even
contemplate marrying you.
373
00:19:01,880 --> 00:19:04,359
I would rather spend the rest
of eternity stuck in a lift
374
00:19:04,360 --> 00:19:05,560
with Terry Christian.
375
00:19:09,200 --> 00:19:11,360
She knows how to hurt a man.
376
00:19:13,120 --> 00:19:16,080
All right, troops. How
was Henry's speech?
377
00:19:17,000 --> 00:19:20,480
Interesting. Did I get a mention?
378
00:19:21,560 --> 00:19:23,759
Oh, definitely.
379
00:19:23,760 --> 00:19:25,119
What did sir roysten want?
380
00:19:25,120 --> 00:19:27,560
Oh, it wasn't him, George.
It was, er...
381
00:19:28,880 --> 00:19:30,480
Doesn't matter.
382
00:19:32,040 --> 00:19:33,359
Oh, god.
383
00:19:33,360 --> 00:19:35,559
Oh, don't worry, Gus.
384
00:19:35,560 --> 00:19:39,079
I'm sure all these rumours are just...
rumours.
385
00:19:39,080 --> 00:19:42,879
Well, what would I do, George, if I
couldn't come into work every day?
386
00:19:42,880 --> 00:19:44,839
Well, look on the bright side.
387
00:19:44,840 --> 00:19:46,999
You'll have lots more time to yourself,
388
00:19:47,000 --> 00:19:48,760
catch up with all your friends.
389
00:19:53,200 --> 00:19:57,919
George, would you say that
I was a shallow person?
390
00:19:57,920 --> 00:20:00,199
Oh, no, no, no.
391
00:20:00,200 --> 00:20:02,959
I'm sure you've got hidden depths.
392
00:20:02,960 --> 00:20:05,840
Yes. Yes, that's what I think.
393
00:20:07,120 --> 00:20:09,279
I don't suppose you know
what they are, do you?
394
00:20:09,280 --> 00:20:12,279
It's just that I don't know
what I'd do if I didn't work.
395
00:20:12,280 --> 00:20:14,479
I need to... jingle plays
396
00:20:14,480 --> 00:20:15,959
welcome back again,
397
00:20:15,960 --> 00:20:19,119
and now, to deliver the
prestige award of the night,
398
00:20:19,120 --> 00:20:20,999
will you welcome, please,
399
00:20:21,000 --> 00:20:23,719
her royal highness, the princess royal.
400
00:20:23,720 --> 00:20:25,840
Applause
401
00:20:27,680 --> 00:20:30,959
Gus! Gus, sir roysten's about
to issue his statement!
402
00:20:30,960 --> 00:20:33,280
This is it! Urgh!
403
00:20:35,760 --> 00:20:36,999
Princess Anne: Good evening.
404
00:20:37,000 --> 00:20:39,839
I'd like to express my satisfaction
405
00:20:39,840 --> 00:20:42,279
at being asked to present this award.
406
00:20:42,280 --> 00:20:44,079
Mobile rings
407
00:20:44,080 --> 00:20:46,319
it is a source of great
pride to us in this country
408
00:20:46,320 --> 00:20:50,319
that we continue to produce...
yes? Oh, right.
409
00:20:50,320 --> 00:20:52,680
Whispers: It's the statement.
410
00:20:54,640 --> 00:20:58,919
Whispers: It's ok, sir roysten's
definitely not going to sell.
411
00:20:58,920 --> 00:21:02,719
Yes! Yes, you bastards!
412
00:21:02,720 --> 00:21:05,400
Up yours, you bastards!
413
00:21:15,360 --> 00:21:18,520
Sorry... your highness.
414
00:21:28,480 --> 00:21:33,480
Yes, well, the whole evening's
gone swimmingly, hasn't it?
415
00:21:34,480 --> 00:21:35,959
Yes indeedy.
416
00:21:35,960 --> 00:21:40,239
Gus, you swore in front
of the princess royal
417
00:21:40,240 --> 00:21:43,279
live on television.
418
00:21:43,280 --> 00:21:47,039
It was just a hiccup. A
little misunderstanding.
419
00:21:47,040 --> 00:21:49,599
Anyway, hardly anyone noticed.
420
00:21:49,600 --> 00:21:51,039
I'm going home.
421
00:21:51,040 --> 00:21:54,759
This whole evening has turned
into a series of humiliations.
422
00:21:54,760 --> 00:21:57,959
And tomorrow morning, George,
I expect a full enquiry
423
00:21:57,960 --> 00:22:01,240
to find out who told Robin
day that I fancied him!
424
00:22:04,720 --> 00:22:06,839
Sorry, George, I was bored.
425
00:22:06,840 --> 00:22:09,759
Had a bit of an iffy
evening, haven't we, Gus?
426
00:22:09,760 --> 00:22:12,279
A few tiny glitches, that's all.
427
00:22:12,280 --> 00:22:15,639
Oh, Damien... Damien, dick.
Dick, Damien.
428
00:22:15,640 --> 00:22:17,159
Hard luck tonight, Damien.
429
00:22:17,160 --> 00:22:19,760
Luck had nothing to do with it.
430
00:22:22,280 --> 00:22:23,479
Nice dj.
431
00:22:23,480 --> 00:22:25,999
Oh, thank you very much.
432
00:22:26,000 --> 00:22:27,319
Enjoy the evening?
433
00:22:27,320 --> 00:22:29,599
Passably.
434
00:22:29,600 --> 00:22:32,239
Must be very difficult
being a politician's wife.
435
00:22:32,240 --> 00:22:34,839
You know, constantly
being in the public eye.
436
00:22:34,840 --> 00:22:38,599
It is quite demanding. Of course,
it's not made any easier
437
00:22:38,600 --> 00:22:41,520
when your husband is screwing
the arse off his secretary.
438
00:22:43,040 --> 00:22:45,120
Right, yes, of course.
439
00:22:46,360 --> 00:22:50,599
Well, um, it's very brave
of you to stand by him.
440
00:22:50,600 --> 00:22:53,400
I'm not. I've sold the
whole story to the mirror.
441
00:22:55,120 --> 00:22:57,519
With the money from that,
and the divorce settlement,
442
00:22:57,520 --> 00:23:00,399
I should do rather well. Both laugh
443
00:23:00,400 --> 00:23:04,679
he doesn't know it, but politically,
my darling Dickie's career
444
00:23:04,680 --> 00:23:08,960
is being flushed round the
u-bend of history as we speak.
445
00:23:10,040 --> 00:23:12,400
I'm going for some more champagne.
446
00:23:13,800 --> 00:23:17,439
I've, er, just been reassuring the
minister that all the hatches
447
00:23:17,440 --> 00:23:20,999
have been firmly battened down
on that silly adultery rumour.
448
00:23:21,000 --> 00:23:23,439
Actually, Gus, um...
449
00:23:23,440 --> 00:23:26,959
All in all, George, it's been a
pretty good night for globelink.
450
00:23:26,960 --> 00:23:30,760
What with sir roysten's
statement, Henry's triumph...
451
00:23:33,000 --> 00:23:35,879
..The general level of decorum
shown by the staff...
452
00:23:35,880 --> 00:23:38,759
Dave sobs
453
00:23:38,760 --> 00:23:41,839
..and a splendid, splendid team effort
454
00:23:41,840 --> 00:23:44,199
in the positive publicity department.
455
00:23:44,200 --> 00:23:47,919
Oh, yes. A happy night!
456
00:23:47,920 --> 00:23:51,200
Thump Damien: Oh, just
one more, please!
457
00:23:56,960 --> 00:23:58,159
Joy: So, main man,
458
00:23:58,160 --> 00:24:00,679
what's marinating in the media
microwave this morning?
459
00:24:00,680 --> 00:24:03,599
George: We need an angle
on princess Diana's speech
460
00:24:03,600 --> 00:24:05,839
on the tragic waste of
teenage homelessness.
461
00:24:05,840 --> 00:24:08,639
How about, "Diana spouts fatuous truism
462
00:24:08,640 --> 00:24:10,999
"in routine bid for publicity"?
463
00:24:11,000 --> 00:24:13,359
I'm sure it was entirely genuine.
464
00:24:13,360 --> 00:24:17,919
Yeah, a genuine attempt to upstage
Charles's PR trip to Bosnia.
465
00:24:17,920 --> 00:24:20,559
You don't like the royal
family, do you, joy?
466
00:24:20,560 --> 00:24:24,039
I like princess Anne. Well, I
liked the look on her face
467
00:24:24,040 --> 00:24:26,959
when Gus did his little
cabaret routine last night.
468
00:24:26,960 --> 00:24:29,880
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