Original subtitles

And now, drop the dead donkey.

This episode was first shown in march '93,

in a week when John birt faced more criticism over his tax arrangements,

when the Prime Minister linked crime rates with violence on TV,

and when the government experienced a shattering defeat

at the hands of the maastricht rebels.

So, Dave, how are things between you and Helen?

Fine, thanks, yeah.

Good, only I've noticed that since that night you slept together

you don't seem to have been out with her at all.

No, well, we've both been very busy.

Listen, Dave, don't bottle it up. So the sex was a disaster.

Listen, for the record, the sex was great!

She just needs time to realise it, ok?

Morning, newscrunchers!

Are we frying with fossil fuel? You bet! Terrific!

Now, I've just got one thing to run across your motorway

to see if it gets knocked down.

Mrs Mary whitehouse has protested to the broadcasting standards council

about Damien's piece on football riots.

She's also complained about the shower sequence

in the pit closures item.

She feels that viewers don't want to see miners'

"wobbly white bottoms while they're having their tea."

The one in the left-hand corner wasn't wobbly!

Anyway, as a hearts and minds offensive,

I've invited a delegation

from the national viewers and listeners association

to see just how responsible an operation we are.

So this week, let's impregnate our output

with some good old family values.

Ok, George?

George, have you got a problem?

Actually, yes, Gus, I have.

You see, I'm really... I'm sure you'll beat it, terrific!

Ok, team, remember - dignity, decency and decorum.

Splendid!

What is it, George?

You see, I'm just really worried about my daughter Deborah.

She hasn't tarred and feathered another supply teacher, has she?

No! No, it's just that she's not been home for the last two nights,

and she's not being held at any of the usual police stations.

I've got to find her. I've got to track her down.

Morning, news-nibblers! Are we parboiling with plutonium?

You bet! Terrific!

Let's pop some ideas in my toilet and see if they flush.

Joy's in a good mood. Halley's comet must be due.

No, we went to see the chippendales last night.

800 women hurling sexist abuse and underwear

at a bunch of muscle-bound meatballs

who'd stuffed their g-strings with Jerusalem artichokes.

I shouted myself hoarse.

Sheila has been nine times. She's got all their autographs.

Yeah. And not on a piece of paper, either!

Dave: Oh, come off it!

Now, who shall we have first?

Mr march!

Wait a moment, if we put up a girlie calendar, you'd crucify us!

Quite! This is vulgar and tasteless.

You're only saying that because he's got a better arse than you.

This is disgusting!

Oh, my god!

Yes, I see, right.

Thanks.

The police have a report of a teenage girl

tormenting a rottweiler on old Compton street.

So I think it must be Deborah.

I hope you don't mind us having this chat.

I just wanted to check

what sort of questions you wanted to cover in your interview.

Well, obviously I'd like your reactions

to the amnesty allegations about disappearances.

My reaction is deep, deep concern, Damien.

I intend to stamp out all human rights abuses in my country,

and you can help me.

Tell me the names of the people here who made these allegations about me

so that I can investigate fully.

Yeah, I really couldn't do that.

It would be a betrayal of confidence.

Ah, of course.

I understand.

And that would present a problem for you when you go home.

Yes!

Nut cracks if you go home...

I understand some people in your country say I am insane?

No!

No, no, not at all!

The sun, November 12, 1988, said I was

"one tortilla short of a picnic".

Well, the sun's just a comic!

I'm a responsible journalist.

I'd never say anything like that.

No.

You would say...

"Just another tinpot dictator who is bleeding his country dry."

Your report of the 12th of February, 1990.

Um...

Ah! Let's go and relax, eh?

By the pool?

Ok, right.

The crocodile pool.

Harmonica jazz music

I'm looking for a 15-year-old girl.

Excuse me, I'm looking for a 15-year-old girl.

Aren't we all, mate?

Henry, about comic relief,

do you remember you sponsored me a pound

for every minute I could sit through of a year in provence?

Yeah?

You owe me 90p.

Helen, um...

Helen, about what happened between us...

Listen, Dave, it was just a one-night thing.

No, look, I can't accept that.

I mean, when I woke up with you that morning,

somehow there was something special about you.

Yes, you knew my name!

Phone rings

hello? George!

Um, would this make a silly item?

Apparently, woolly mammoths didn't die out as long ago as we thought.

Some woolly mammoths actually died quite recently.

And one of them died on Henry's head.

Here, I've spotted a factual error in our maastricht amendment piece.

We described John major as tight-lipped.

He hasn't got any lips!

Are you all right, George?

Well, it sounds as if you're hyperventilating.

Oh, it's the smell. Yeah, bad, isn't it?

People are always urinating in phone boxes.

But not usually while you're in them, no.

All right, George, take care.

He's heard she's in some squat with some kind of shoplifting gang.

I think someone really should go with him.

Have you seen this? A fax from Damien's crew.

He hasn't come back from his interview with colonel valdez.

Well, that's worrying.

It certainly is.

Sir royston sells a lot of arms to the valdez regime.

I do hope Damien's done nothing to annoy them.

Crickets chirping

that's flopsy, that's mopsy, and that's cottontail.

My favourite.

Fetch!

She's got something stuck between her teeth.

It's a sock.

Now, these names...

Listen, if anything happens to me

you will incur the full wrath of the British government.

Oh, I know, there would be moral outrage,

your ambassador would tick me off,

and Britain would sever trading links with us for, oh...

Days.

Now, I really would appreciate these names.

Soldier cocks rifle

oh, nice shoes, mr day.

Yes, they're, um...

..Crocodile leather.

Dear, dear. Cottontail would be most upset.

You could be wearing her mother.

Harmonica jazz

music abruptly stops oi! Come here, quick!

Come in, quick!

Cd player you wanted, yeah?

No, I've come to get Deborah.

Oh, yeah! You must be craphead!

Couldn't get off with your lesbian assistant, then?

Where's Deborah?

Who have you let in now, loony?

Oh, I know, it's... Craphead, yes!

Now, you listen here, young man!

Christ! Deborah!

What are you doing in this horrid place

with all these deranged inadequates?

Reminds me of home, I guess.

Oh, sweetheart... No, don't touch me!

Cd clatters

oh, you silly bitch!

You've nicked the cut-price ones!

Right, I'm taking you home. Get lost, dad!

Vin, Lonnie, do me a favour,

moderately kick the shit out of this old fart!

Right, everybody, stay where you are!

I'm a police officer.

And that's a video club membership card!

Come on, George, they've got knives! Stay back!

Right, Deborah, this time, I am definitely cutting off

your pocket money!

Are you all right, George?

It was pretty hairy, Helen, these guys had knives.

Big knives! I got George out of there pretty quick.

Well, that was very brave of you, Dave.

Thanks!

Right, this will show them!

If they can have pin-ups, so can we.

Yes, I suppose you have to resort to soft porn

now you're too old for the real thing.

I had a 22-year-old in my bedroom only last week.

Bringing round your meals on wheels, was she?

Now, you're not bothered by this, are you, girls?

Hmmm? No!

Well, what is that?!

That's Wayne. He'll satisfy your every need.

If you need a new gatepost, he'd certainly do for that.

He leads this great number

where you get to wolf-whistle at these guys dressed as builders.

Oh, yes, that bit was fantastic!

So I've been told.

Just go and check my auto-prompt.

Ok, team, I think we should feature this.

Mrs whitehouse has just announced her viewers association

is going to start monitoring children's programmes.

They say there's far too much sex and violence in them.

Yeah, I can see it now.

"Andi Peters exhausted by five-times-a-night Ed the duck.

"Clangers deny hotel orgy with soup dragon."

Well, that's exactly the sort of tasteless remark we don't want

when mrs whitehouse is sending a delegation.

What the hell is that?!

Wayne.

Well, take it away!

If mrs whitehouse's delegation saw this,

she'd have our collective danglies in her magimix.

Now, let's shape up or ship out!

All right, we'd better do something on major blaming TV

for all this violence.

He's absolutely right.

I saw him being interviewed on the beeb

and I was so incensed by the little turd that I head-butted the cat!

Do you play much football, mr day?

Yeah!

Not usually in this position.

Ha-ha! Ok, let's kick off.

Whistle blows

maradona beats one!

Maradona beats two!

Maradona! He laughs

applause yes!

Give me those names! Ok, ok!

I got it all from human rights activists in Britain.

Tell me their names so I can deal with them.

If I tell you, you won't let anyone know it was me?

No, I won't let anybody know that you told names.

Jeremy beadle...

Jeffrey archer...

Terry Christian...

Cilla black.

Bad move, mr day. I am a big fan of cilla's.

More on major blaming Thatcher for the economic failure.

Incredible, isn't it?

John Major is so insignificant that not even John Major

can remember that her chancellor at the time was John Major!

Dave, you look about as happy as John birt in a tax office.

What's the matter with you?

Oh, I don't know, Henry. It's Helen.

Somehow she's got to me. I just feel she's special.

Wash your mouth out!

I mean it, she's special!

Listen, Dave, fact - no woman is special.

With the possible exception

of a Lebanese contortionist I met in 1963.

Ok, girls, I've got some spare tickets

for my birthday treat chippendales night.

Oh, please!

They'll be doing their new window cleaners routine.

Window cleaners?

Look at this bunch of tarty himbos!

I mean, what would you do

if I turned up in the office dressed up like this?

Throw up!

Anyway, you'd never do that.

Like all the men in this office, you'd be too inhibited.

It's what makes British men so unattractive.

Me, inhibited?

The man who once ran naked through five Cambridge colleges

with a live Canada goose strapped to his head.

Well, we all do mad things when we're at college.

No, no, this was last month after a memorial service.

We all had a few drinks and got a bit sentimental.

George?

Kids!

You bring them up as well you can,

give them the best years of your life and what do they do?

Take you for granted, ignore you,

put vindaloo curry powder in your underpants.

I wash my hands of her.

Now, George, stop moping. This is just self-pity.

Oh, great! On top of everything else I've now got self-pity!

Well, pardon me, I mustn't mope, must I?!

Meeting, everyone. Come on, move!

George, George, now, I'm not one to complain...

Oh, yes, you are!

Why don't you just leave me alone

and go and get your bottom lifted or something?

Right, item one. Come on!

Margaret Thatcher said... oh, for god sake!

Hypocritical old ratbag.

Why can't she accept she's been given the boot

and go and buy a flat with imelda marcos?

Right, what else?

Are there no worthwhile stories?

There's this report that says children living on the street...

..Are in grave danger.

Right, well, we'll, erm...

We'll...

Oh, dammit! I'm going to go and get her.

No, no, I don't want any help.

I'll only convince Deborah if I turn up there alone.

She's my daughter.

And I know in my heart, I can't abandon her.

Should I?

You heard what he said.

And you have to admit, he really was rather impressive.

Bus pass!

Western showdown music

sniffs

oh, Jesus, it's the man from c&a!

I've come to get my daughter.

Oh, well, I sent her down to king's cross

to earn a few quid off the kerb crawlers.

One step closer and I shall be toasting his tonsils!

He doesn't mean it.

He means it! Stay back!

Dad?

Deborah, darling, how are you, sweetheart?

Dad, you've got a toasting fork stuck in his neck!

Yes, and it feels terrific!

Hey, man, don't take it out on me!

I'm just a victim of the system.

We have to rob to live. But you don't, though, do you?

You get everyone else to take the risks and do it for you.

No, he stole a walkman last week.

Yeah, bev, but that was from you!

Let's face it, you're just a cowardly bully

with all the charm of a parasitic infestation.

Deborah, I wanted to take you away from here

because I really want you back home.

But that's no good unless you really want to come.

So I'm going to leave it up to you.

And as for you...

Look, I'll do anything, yeah?

Any suggestions?

Yeah, make him stand on one leg and sing the birdie song.

Yes, stand on one leg and sing the birdie song.

? With a little bit of this and a little bit of that... ?

Come on, come on! And with all the actions!

You bloody sadist!

Joy, any news about Damien?

Well, I rang the foreign office and they just giggled.

Ok, everyone, as it's joy's birthday we'll take the usual short break.

Custard creams and pomagne. You shouldn't spoil me like this (!)

Henry on loud hailer: Joy merryweather,

as a special treat for your birthday,

we present the chopendales!

They said we were too repressed and English,

but proving them oh-so-wrong, here is...

Dave!

Raunchy music whooping and screaming

whooping and screaming continues

screaming intensifies

and joining me...

A man so well hung he should be in the national gallery!

I give you Henry!

Whooping and screaming

raunchy music continues

loud screams

all right, who wants to pull our jockstraps off with their teeth?

Gus: Come on, ladies.

Our ultra-responsible news office...

Jesus wept!

Excellent. Excellent.

Er, still working on that story exposing the vice of strip clubs.

Well.. Well done, team!

Ladies, let me show you our extremely interesting, er...

Boiler room.

Come on!

Oops.

That was the most disgusting, perverted, obscene display

I have ever seen in my entire life!

Yes, we thought you'd enjoy it. Ew...

That was just to show you that not all British men

are unattractively inhibited.

I'm impressed! Good, so how about dinner?

But not that impressed.

Listen, Helen, I have never felt this way about anyone.

Why won't you take me seriously?

George! How'd it go?

That bloke give you any trouble?

No.

I just threatened to rip out his jugular with a toasting folk.

Oh, right.

You are ok, George, are you?

Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.

I just walked unarmed into a squat full of violent

knife-carrying kids to face a psycho...

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Joy, get him some water!

Dave, those aren't your normal office clothes, are they?

Not strictly speaking, no.

Well, you should dress smartly, like Henry.

Joy: There you go, George.

Thank you.

I think I'll shall just go and have a sit down in my office.

Damien!

Oh, he let you go, did he? Yes.

I'm glad to see you've been taking my plight seriously!

So what happened?

Well, he threatened to feed me to his crocodiles,

buried me up to my neck in a football pitch,

then he dug me up and showed me his bind date videos.

The bastard!

I'm looking for dad.

Oh, inside the office.

It's not going to push up the ratings, you know.

Hello, Rambo.

Deborah!

You were right about fixx.

You're coming home?

Don't know. I'm staying with Laura at mum's tonight.

Ok.

Brought you a present.

Thank you! Unwrap it, then.

It's a video.

No, it's all right!

I filed the serial number off.

Gus: Dave? Dave?

Oh, there you are.

Didn't recognise you with your trousers on.

Yeah, all right, Gus. I said I'm sorry.

Now, what's the lead story? Constitutional crisis in Russia.

Yeltsin's still trying to advance democracy

by becoming a dictator.

Not very viewer friendly.

I feel we should focus on the crisis in Italy,

with its implications for European unity,

stability and that terrific punch-up they had in parliament.

Careful, Gus, mrs whitehouse's mob will go spare at all that violence.

Oh, no problem, I'll hit her with one of my charm offensives.

Maybe send her some flowers. Good idea.

I've got a daffodil you can have.

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