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1
00:00:00,680 --> 00:00:03,039
And now, drop the dead donkey.
2
00:00:03,040 --> 00:00:05,879
This episode was first
shown in march '93,
3
00:00:05,880 --> 00:00:09,559
in a week when John birt faced more
criticism over his tax arrangements,
4
00:00:09,560 --> 00:00:13,399
when the Prime Minister linked
crime rates with violence on TV,
5
00:00:13,400 --> 00:00:15,999
and when the government
experienced a shattering defeat
6
00:00:16,000 --> 00:00:18,360
at the hands of the maastricht rebels.
7
00:00:54,760 --> 00:00:58,879
So, Dave, how are things
between you and Helen?
8
00:00:58,880 --> 00:01:00,399
Fine, thanks, yeah.
9
00:01:00,400 --> 00:01:03,599
Good, only I've noticed that since
that night you slept together
10
00:01:03,600 --> 00:01:05,879
you don't seem to have
been out with her at all.
11
00:01:05,880 --> 00:01:08,279
No, well, we've both been very busy.
12
00:01:08,280 --> 00:01:11,919
Listen, Dave, don't bottle it up.
So the sex was a disaster.
13
00:01:11,920 --> 00:01:14,599
Listen, for the record,
the sex was great!
14
00:01:14,600 --> 00:01:16,840
She just needs time to realise it, ok?
15
00:01:17,920 --> 00:01:19,599
Morning, newscrunchers!
16
00:01:19,600 --> 00:01:22,559
Are we frying with fossil fuel?
You bet! Terrific!
17
00:01:22,560 --> 00:01:26,199
Now, I've just got one thing
to run across your motorway
18
00:01:26,200 --> 00:01:28,519
to see if it gets knocked down.
19
00:01:28,520 --> 00:01:31,999
Mrs Mary whitehouse has protested to
the broadcasting standards council
20
00:01:32,000 --> 00:01:35,639
about Damien's piece on football riots.
21
00:01:35,640 --> 00:01:37,759
She's also complained
about the shower sequence
22
00:01:37,760 --> 00:01:39,599
in the pit closures item.
23
00:01:39,600 --> 00:01:41,759
She feels that viewers
don't want to see miners'
24
00:01:41,760 --> 00:01:45,319
"wobbly white bottoms while
they're having their tea."
25
00:01:45,320 --> 00:01:47,680
The one in the left-hand
corner wasn't wobbly!
26
00:01:50,800 --> 00:01:52,799
Anyway, as a hearts
and minds offensive,
27
00:01:52,800 --> 00:01:53,919
I've invited a delegation
28
00:01:53,920 --> 00:01:56,239
from the national viewers
and listeners association
29
00:01:56,240 --> 00:01:58,959
to see just how responsible
an operation we are.
30
00:01:58,960 --> 00:02:01,479
So this week, let's
impregnate our output
31
00:02:01,480 --> 00:02:04,239
with some good old family values.
32
00:02:04,240 --> 00:02:05,840
Ok, George?
33
00:02:07,880 --> 00:02:10,120
George, have you got a problem?
34
00:02:11,080 --> 00:02:13,479
Actually, yes, Gus, I have.
35
00:02:13,480 --> 00:02:16,959
You see, I'm really... I'm
sure you'll beat it, terrific!
36
00:02:16,960 --> 00:02:21,599
Ok, team, remember - dignity,
decency and decorum.
37
00:02:21,600 --> 00:02:23,039
Splendid!
38
00:02:23,040 --> 00:02:24,720
What is it, George?
39
00:02:25,800 --> 00:02:29,399
You see, I'm just really worried
about my daughter Deborah.
40
00:02:29,400 --> 00:02:32,959
She hasn't tarred and feathered
another supply teacher, has she?
41
00:02:32,960 --> 00:02:37,959
No! No, it's just that she's not
been home for the last two nights,
42
00:02:37,960 --> 00:02:41,200
and she's not being held at any
of the usual police stations.
43
00:02:42,560 --> 00:02:45,719
I've got to find her. I've
got to track her down.
44
00:02:45,720 --> 00:02:49,399
Morning, news-nibblers! Are
we parboiling with plutonium?
45
00:02:49,400 --> 00:02:51,079
You bet! Terrific!
46
00:02:51,080 --> 00:02:54,919
Let's pop some ideas in my
toilet and see if they flush.
47
00:02:54,920 --> 00:02:58,719
Joy's in a good mood.
Halley's comet must be due.
48
00:02:58,720 --> 00:03:02,839
No, we went to see the
chippendales last night.
49
00:03:02,840 --> 00:03:06,399
800 women hurling sexist
abuse and underwear
50
00:03:06,400 --> 00:03:08,279
at a bunch of muscle-bound meatballs
51
00:03:08,280 --> 00:03:11,879
who'd stuffed their g-strings
with Jerusalem artichokes.
52
00:03:11,880 --> 00:03:13,839
I shouted myself hoarse.
53
00:03:13,840 --> 00:03:16,599
Sheila has been nine times.
She's got all their autographs.
54
00:03:16,600 --> 00:03:18,959
Yeah. And not on a piece
of paper, either!
55
00:03:18,960 --> 00:03:20,359
Dave: Oh, come off it!
56
00:03:20,360 --> 00:03:22,359
Now, who shall we have first?
57
00:03:22,360 --> 00:03:24,159
Mr march!
58
00:03:24,160 --> 00:03:26,799
Wait a moment, if we put up a
girlie calendar, you'd crucify us!
59
00:03:26,800 --> 00:03:30,039
Quite! This is vulgar and tasteless.
60
00:03:30,040 --> 00:03:33,959
You're only saying that because
he's got a better arse than you.
61
00:03:33,960 --> 00:03:35,839
This is disgusting!
62
00:03:35,840 --> 00:03:37,799
Oh, my god!
63
00:03:37,800 --> 00:03:40,079
Yes, I see, right.
64
00:03:40,080 --> 00:03:41,719
Thanks.
65
00:03:41,720 --> 00:03:43,679
The police have a report
of a teenage girl
66
00:03:43,680 --> 00:03:46,599
tormenting a rottweiler
on old Compton street.
67
00:03:46,600 --> 00:03:47,840
So I think it must be Deborah.
68
00:03:51,600 --> 00:03:54,079
I hope you don't mind
us having this chat.
69
00:03:54,080 --> 00:03:55,319
I just wanted to check
70
00:03:55,320 --> 00:03:57,919
what sort of questions you wanted
to cover in your interview.
71
00:03:57,920 --> 00:04:00,359
Well, obviously I'd like your reactions
72
00:04:00,360 --> 00:04:03,359
to the amnesty allegations
about disappearances.
73
00:04:03,360 --> 00:04:07,079
My reaction is deep,
deep concern, Damien.
74
00:04:07,080 --> 00:04:10,639
I intend to stamp out all human
rights abuses in my country,
75
00:04:10,640 --> 00:04:12,279
and you can help me.
76
00:04:12,280 --> 00:04:16,119
Tell me the names of the people here
who made these allegations about me
77
00:04:16,120 --> 00:04:18,080
so that I can investigate fully.
78
00:04:20,040 --> 00:04:22,679
Yeah, I really couldn't do that.
79
00:04:22,680 --> 00:04:24,959
It would be a betrayal of confidence.
80
00:04:24,960 --> 00:04:27,599
Ah, of course.
81
00:04:27,600 --> 00:04:29,279
I understand.
82
00:04:29,280 --> 00:04:31,959
And that would present a problem
for you when you go home.
83
00:04:31,960 --> 00:04:33,079
Yes!
84
00:04:33,080 --> 00:04:35,520
Nut cracks if you go home...
85
00:04:37,440 --> 00:04:40,799
I understand some people in
your country say I am insane?
86
00:04:40,800 --> 00:04:42,319
No!
87
00:04:42,320 --> 00:04:44,400
No, no, not at all!
88
00:04:46,160 --> 00:04:52,039
The sun, November 12, 1988, said I was
89
00:04:52,040 --> 00:04:54,440
"one tortilla short of a picnic".
90
00:04:56,960 --> 00:05:00,079
Well, the sun's just a comic!
91
00:05:00,080 --> 00:05:02,879
I'm a responsible journalist.
92
00:05:02,880 --> 00:05:04,799
I'd never say anything like that.
93
00:05:04,800 --> 00:05:07,119
No.
94
00:05:07,120 --> 00:05:08,680
You would say...
95
00:05:10,400 --> 00:05:14,080
"Just another tinpot dictator who
is bleeding his country dry."
96
00:05:15,240 --> 00:05:18,759
Your report of the 12th
of February, 1990.
97
00:05:18,760 --> 00:05:20,399
Um...
98
00:05:20,400 --> 00:05:23,959
Ah! Let's go and relax, eh?
99
00:05:23,960 --> 00:05:25,359
By the pool?
100
00:05:25,360 --> 00:05:27,159
Ok, right.
101
00:05:27,160 --> 00:05:29,240
The crocodile pool.
102
00:05:31,920 --> 00:05:34,520
Harmonica jazz music
103
00:05:47,000 --> 00:05:49,920
I'm looking for a 15-year-old girl.
104
00:05:52,760 --> 00:05:56,799
Excuse me, I'm looking
for a 15-year-old girl.
105
00:05:56,800 --> 00:05:58,680
Aren't we all, mate?
106
00:06:02,960 --> 00:06:04,239
Henry, about comic relief,
107
00:06:04,240 --> 00:06:06,039
do you remember you
sponsored me a pound
108
00:06:06,040 --> 00:06:08,679
for every minute I could sit
through of a year in provence?
109
00:06:08,680 --> 00:06:10,080
Yeah?
110
00:06:11,040 --> 00:06:12,640
You owe me 90p.
111
00:06:16,040 --> 00:06:17,879
Helen, um...
112
00:06:17,880 --> 00:06:19,759
Helen, about what
happened between us...
113
00:06:19,760 --> 00:06:23,159
Listen, Dave, it was
just a one-night thing.
114
00:06:23,160 --> 00:06:24,879
No, look, I can't accept that.
115
00:06:24,880 --> 00:06:26,799
I mean, when I woke up
with you that morning,
116
00:06:26,800 --> 00:06:29,079
somehow there was something
special about you.
117
00:06:29,080 --> 00:06:31,440
Yes, you knew my name!
118
00:06:33,520 --> 00:06:34,879
Phone rings
119
00:06:34,880 --> 00:06:37,559
hello? George!
120
00:06:37,560 --> 00:06:39,839
Um, would this make a silly item?
121
00:06:39,840 --> 00:06:43,319
Apparently, woolly mammoths didn't
die out as long ago as we thought.
122
00:06:43,320 --> 00:06:46,559
Some woolly mammoths actually
died quite recently.
123
00:06:46,560 --> 00:06:48,880
And one of them died on Henry's head.
124
00:06:51,040 --> 00:06:54,279
Here, I've spotted a factual error
in our maastricht amendment piece.
125
00:06:54,280 --> 00:06:56,999
We described John major
as tight-lipped.
126
00:06:57,000 --> 00:06:58,800
He hasn't got any lips!
127
00:07:01,120 --> 00:07:03,439
Are you all right, George?
128
00:07:03,440 --> 00:07:06,039
Well, it sounds as if
you're hyperventilating.
129
00:07:06,040 --> 00:07:09,359
Oh, it's the smell.
Yeah, bad, isn't it?
130
00:07:09,360 --> 00:07:11,600
People are always
urinating in phone boxes.
131
00:07:12,640 --> 00:07:15,640
But not usually while
you're in them, no.
132
00:07:18,520 --> 00:07:21,960
All right, George, take care.
133
00:07:22,960 --> 00:07:26,199
He's heard she's in some squat with
some kind of shoplifting gang.
134
00:07:26,200 --> 00:07:28,159
I think someone really
should go with him.
135
00:07:28,160 --> 00:07:31,279
Have you seen this? A
fax from Damien's crew.
136
00:07:31,280 --> 00:07:33,879
He hasn't come back from his
interview with colonel valdez.
137
00:07:33,880 --> 00:07:35,479
Well, that's worrying.
138
00:07:35,480 --> 00:07:36,559
It certainly is.
139
00:07:36,560 --> 00:07:38,960
Sir royston sells a lot of
arms to the valdez regime.
140
00:07:40,160 --> 00:07:42,839
I do hope Damien's done
nothing to annoy them.
141
00:07:42,840 --> 00:07:45,799
Crickets chirping
142
00:07:45,800 --> 00:07:50,880
that's flopsy, that's mopsy,
and that's cottontail.
143
00:07:52,120 --> 00:07:53,879
My favourite.
144
00:07:53,880 --> 00:07:55,799
Fetch!
145
00:07:55,800 --> 00:07:58,680
She's got something stuck
between her teeth.
146
00:08:03,640 --> 00:08:05,200
It's a sock.
147
00:08:06,280 --> 00:08:07,599
Now, these names...
148
00:08:07,600 --> 00:08:09,799
Listen, if anything happens to me
149
00:08:09,800 --> 00:08:12,639
you will incur the full wrath
of the British government.
150
00:08:12,640 --> 00:08:15,079
Oh, I know, there would
be moral outrage,
151
00:08:15,080 --> 00:08:17,559
your ambassador would tick me off,
152
00:08:17,560 --> 00:08:21,319
and Britain would sever trading
links with us for, oh...
153
00:08:21,320 --> 00:08:23,599
Days.
154
00:08:23,600 --> 00:08:26,079
Now, I really would
appreciate these names.
155
00:08:26,080 --> 00:08:27,680
Soldier cocks rifle
156
00:08:29,000 --> 00:08:31,280
oh, nice shoes, mr day.
157
00:08:32,320 --> 00:08:34,839
Yes, they're, um...
158
00:08:34,840 --> 00:08:36,759
..Crocodile leather.
159
00:08:36,760 --> 00:08:40,639
Dear, dear. Cottontail
would be most upset.
160
00:08:40,640 --> 00:08:42,680
You could be wearing her mother.
161
00:08:44,560 --> 00:08:46,760
Harmonica jazz
162
00:08:50,720 --> 00:08:53,439
music abruptly stops oi!
Come here, quick!
163
00:08:53,440 --> 00:08:54,960
Come in, quick!
164
00:08:59,040 --> 00:09:01,279
Cd player you wanted, yeah?
165
00:09:01,280 --> 00:09:03,880
No, I've come to get Deborah.
166
00:09:05,160 --> 00:09:08,000
Oh, yeah! You must be craphead!
167
00:09:09,240 --> 00:09:12,479
Couldn't get off with your
lesbian assistant, then?
168
00:09:12,480 --> 00:09:14,000
Where's Deborah?
169
00:09:15,040 --> 00:09:17,280
Who have you let in now, loony?
170
00:09:18,320 --> 00:09:21,559
Oh, I know, it's... Craphead, yes!
171
00:09:21,560 --> 00:09:23,239
Now, you listen here, young man!
172
00:09:23,240 --> 00:09:25,399
Christ! Deborah!
173
00:09:25,400 --> 00:09:27,239
What are you doing in this horrid place
174
00:09:27,240 --> 00:09:29,119
with all these deranged inadequates?
175
00:09:29,120 --> 00:09:31,159
Reminds me of home, I guess.
176
00:09:31,160 --> 00:09:33,359
Oh, sweetheart... No, don't touch me!
177
00:09:33,360 --> 00:09:34,559
Cd clatters
178
00:09:34,560 --> 00:09:36,919
oh, you silly bitch!
179
00:09:36,920 --> 00:09:39,000
You've nicked the cut-price ones!
180
00:09:40,480 --> 00:09:43,079
Right, I'm taking you home.
Get lost, dad!
181
00:09:43,080 --> 00:09:45,879
Vin, Lonnie, do me a favour,
182
00:09:45,880 --> 00:09:49,039
moderately kick the shit
out of this old fart!
183
00:09:49,040 --> 00:09:50,799
Right, everybody, stay where you are!
184
00:09:50,800 --> 00:09:52,040
I'm a police officer.
185
00:09:55,120 --> 00:09:57,280
And that's a video
club membership card!
186
00:09:59,280 --> 00:10:01,400
Come on, George, they've got knives!
Stay back!
187
00:10:05,880 --> 00:10:08,399
Right, Deborah, this time, I
am definitely cutting off
188
00:10:08,400 --> 00:10:09,880
your pocket money!
189
00:10:12,760 --> 00:10:14,319
Are you all right, George?
190
00:10:14,320 --> 00:10:16,519
It was pretty hairy, Helen,
these guys had knives.
191
00:10:16,520 --> 00:10:19,359
Big knives! I got George
out of there pretty quick.
192
00:10:19,360 --> 00:10:21,999
Well, that was very brave of you, Dave.
193
00:10:22,000 --> 00:10:24,040
Thanks!
194
00:10:25,520 --> 00:10:27,119
Right, this will show them!
195
00:10:27,120 --> 00:10:30,319
If they can have pin-ups, so can we.
196
00:10:30,320 --> 00:10:32,719
Yes, I suppose you have
to resort to soft porn
197
00:10:32,720 --> 00:10:34,759
now you're too old for the real thing.
198
00:10:34,760 --> 00:10:37,719
I had a 22-year-old in my
bedroom only last week.
199
00:10:37,720 --> 00:10:40,520
Bringing round your meals
on wheels, was she?
200
00:10:41,520 --> 00:10:43,839
Now, you're not bothered
by this, are you, girls?
201
00:10:43,840 --> 00:10:45,800
Hmmm? No!
202
00:10:49,120 --> 00:10:51,479
Well, what is that?!
203
00:10:51,480 --> 00:10:55,039
That's Wayne. He'll
satisfy your every need.
204
00:10:55,040 --> 00:10:58,599
If you need a new gatepost,
he'd certainly do for that.
205
00:10:58,600 --> 00:11:00,759
He leads this great number
206
00:11:00,760 --> 00:11:04,359
where you get to wolf-whistle at
these guys dressed as builders.
207
00:11:04,360 --> 00:11:05,760
Oh, yes, that bit was fantastic!
208
00:11:07,280 --> 00:11:09,559
So I've been told.
209
00:11:09,560 --> 00:11:11,759
Just go and check my auto-prompt.
210
00:11:11,760 --> 00:11:13,559
Ok, team, I think we
should feature this.
211
00:11:13,560 --> 00:11:16,439
Mrs whitehouse has just announced
her viewers association
212
00:11:16,440 --> 00:11:19,119
is going to start monitoring
children's programmes.
213
00:11:19,120 --> 00:11:22,199
They say there's far too much
sex and violence in them.
214
00:11:22,200 --> 00:11:23,799
Yeah, I can see it now.
215
00:11:23,800 --> 00:11:27,520
"Andi Peters exhausted by
five-times-a-night Ed the duck.
216
00:11:28,800 --> 00:11:32,519
"Clangers deny hotel
orgy with soup dragon."
217
00:11:32,520 --> 00:11:35,959
Well, that's exactly the sort of
tasteless remark we don't want
218
00:11:35,960 --> 00:11:38,400
when mrs whitehouse is
sending a delegation.
219
00:11:40,200 --> 00:11:42,479
What the hell is that?!
220
00:11:42,480 --> 00:11:44,480
Wayne.
221
00:11:47,160 --> 00:11:49,119
Well, take it away!
222
00:11:49,120 --> 00:11:51,559
If mrs whitehouse's
delegation saw this,
223
00:11:51,560 --> 00:11:54,480
she'd have our collective
danglies in her magimix.
224
00:11:55,920 --> 00:11:58,680
Now, let's shape up or ship out!
225
00:12:00,560 --> 00:12:03,719
All right, we'd better do
something on major blaming TV
226
00:12:03,720 --> 00:12:05,279
for all this violence.
227
00:12:05,280 --> 00:12:06,719
He's absolutely right.
228
00:12:06,720 --> 00:12:08,519
I saw him being interviewed on the beeb
229
00:12:08,520 --> 00:12:12,400
and I was so incensed by the little
turd that I head-butted the cat!
230
00:12:17,200 --> 00:12:19,559
Do you play much football, mr day?
231
00:12:19,560 --> 00:12:21,360
Yeah!
232
00:12:24,080 --> 00:12:26,120
Not usually in this position.
233
00:12:27,080 --> 00:12:30,320
Ha-ha! Ok, let's kick off.
234
00:12:33,160 --> 00:12:34,680
Whistle blows
235
00:12:36,280 --> 00:12:39,319
maradona beats one!
236
00:12:39,320 --> 00:12:40,920
Maradona beats two!
237
00:12:43,720 --> 00:12:47,119
Maradona! He laughs
238
00:12:47,120 --> 00:12:49,120
applause yes!
239
00:12:50,520 --> 00:12:55,200
Give me those names! Ok, ok!
240
00:12:56,960 --> 00:13:00,559
I got it all from human
rights activists in Britain.
241
00:13:00,560 --> 00:13:04,199
Tell me their names so
I can deal with them.
242
00:13:04,200 --> 00:13:08,919
If I tell you, you won't
let anyone know it was me?
243
00:13:08,920 --> 00:13:11,880
No, I won't let anybody
know that you told names.
244
00:13:14,840 --> 00:13:17,080
Jeremy beadle...
245
00:13:20,760 --> 00:13:22,840
Jeffrey archer...
246
00:13:26,600 --> 00:13:28,720
Terry Christian...
247
00:13:33,120 --> 00:13:35,000
Cilla black.
248
00:13:36,960 --> 00:13:41,280
Bad move, mr day. I am
a big fan of cilla's.
249
00:13:43,280 --> 00:13:47,159
More on major blaming Thatcher
for the economic failure.
250
00:13:47,160 --> 00:13:48,479
Incredible, isn't it?
251
00:13:48,480 --> 00:13:50,879
John Major is so insignificant
that not even John Major
252
00:13:50,880 --> 00:13:55,320
can remember that her chancellor
at the time was John Major!
253
00:13:56,600 --> 00:14:00,800
Dave, you look about as happy
as John birt in a tax office.
254
00:14:02,000 --> 00:14:03,359
What's the matter with you?
255
00:14:03,360 --> 00:14:05,799
Oh, I don't know, Henry. It's Helen.
256
00:14:05,800 --> 00:14:08,239
Somehow she's got to me. I
just feel she's special.
257
00:14:08,240 --> 00:14:09,600
Wash your mouth out!
258
00:14:10,720 --> 00:14:12,159
I mean it, she's special!
259
00:14:12,160 --> 00:14:14,679
Listen, Dave, fact -
no woman is special.
260
00:14:14,680 --> 00:14:16,359
With the possible exception
261
00:14:16,360 --> 00:14:19,759
of a Lebanese contortionist
I met in 1963.
262
00:14:19,760 --> 00:14:22,159
Ok, girls, I've got some spare tickets
263
00:14:22,160 --> 00:14:24,439
for my birthday treat
chippendales night.
264
00:14:24,440 --> 00:14:25,599
Oh, please!
265
00:14:25,600 --> 00:14:27,799
They'll be doing their new
window cleaners routine.
266
00:14:27,800 --> 00:14:29,119
Window cleaners?
267
00:14:29,120 --> 00:14:33,479
Look at this bunch of tarty himbos!
268
00:14:33,480 --> 00:14:35,079
I mean, what would you do
269
00:14:35,080 --> 00:14:37,439
if I turned up in the office
dressed up like this?
270
00:14:37,440 --> 00:14:39,479
Throw up!
271
00:14:39,480 --> 00:14:41,679
Anyway, you'd never do that.
272
00:14:41,680 --> 00:14:44,479
Like all the men in this office,
you'd be too inhibited.
273
00:14:44,480 --> 00:14:47,080
It's what makes British
men so unattractive.
274
00:14:50,760 --> 00:14:52,319
Me, inhibited?
275
00:14:52,320 --> 00:14:55,439
The man who once ran naked
through five Cambridge colleges
276
00:14:55,440 --> 00:14:57,880
with a live Canada goose
strapped to his head.
277
00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:02,519
Well, we all do mad things
when we're at college.
278
00:15:02,520 --> 00:15:05,719
No, no, this was last month
after a memorial service.
279
00:15:05,720 --> 00:15:08,280
We all had a few drinks and
got a bit sentimental.
280
00:15:17,800 --> 00:15:19,480
George?
281
00:15:20,440 --> 00:15:21,600
Kids!
282
00:15:22,680 --> 00:15:25,039
You bring them up as well you can,
283
00:15:25,040 --> 00:15:28,239
give them the best years of
your life and what do they do?
284
00:15:28,240 --> 00:15:31,799
Take you for granted, ignore you,
285
00:15:31,800 --> 00:15:34,600
put vindaloo curry powder
in your underpants.
286
00:15:35,880 --> 00:15:37,359
I wash my hands of her.
287
00:15:37,360 --> 00:15:40,719
Now, George, stop moping.
This is just self-pity.
288
00:15:40,720 --> 00:15:43,839
Oh, great! On top of everything
else I've now got self-pity!
289
00:15:43,840 --> 00:15:46,960
Well, pardon me, I
mustn't mope, must I?!
290
00:15:48,120 --> 00:15:50,879
Meeting, everyone. Come on, move!
291
00:15:50,880 --> 00:15:53,839
George, George, now, I'm
not one to complain...
292
00:15:53,840 --> 00:15:56,199
Oh, yes, you are!
293
00:15:56,200 --> 00:15:57,559
Why don't you just leave me alone
294
00:15:57,560 --> 00:15:59,600
and go and get your bottom
lifted or something?
295
00:16:01,800 --> 00:16:03,919
Right, item one. Come on!
296
00:16:03,920 --> 00:16:06,399
Margaret Thatcher said...
oh, for god sake!
297
00:16:06,400 --> 00:16:08,679
Hypocritical old ratbag.
298
00:16:08,680 --> 00:16:10,559
Why can't she accept she's
been given the boot
299
00:16:10,560 --> 00:16:12,600
and go and buy a flat
with imelda marcos?
300
00:16:14,560 --> 00:16:16,239
Right, what else?
301
00:16:16,240 --> 00:16:18,479
Are there no worthwhile stories?
302
00:16:18,480 --> 00:16:21,520
There's this report that says
children living on the street...
303
00:16:22,520 --> 00:16:24,599
..Are in grave danger.
304
00:16:24,600 --> 00:16:26,719
Right, well, we'll, erm...
305
00:16:26,720 --> 00:16:28,240
We'll...
306
00:16:30,120 --> 00:16:32,959
Oh, dammit! I'm going
to go and get her.
307
00:16:32,960 --> 00:16:35,759
No, no, I don't want any help.
308
00:16:35,760 --> 00:16:38,440
I'll only convince Deborah
if I turn up there alone.
309
00:16:39,600 --> 00:16:41,599
She's my daughter.
310
00:16:41,600 --> 00:16:44,720
And I know in my heart,
I can't abandon her.
311
00:16:48,160 --> 00:16:49,919
Should I?
312
00:16:49,920 --> 00:16:51,440
You heard what he said.
313
00:16:52,560 --> 00:16:56,680
And you have to admit, he
really was rather impressive.
314
00:17:01,640 --> 00:17:03,360
Bus pass!
315
00:17:08,200 --> 00:17:11,960
Western showdown music
316
00:17:15,600 --> 00:17:18,880
sniffs
317
00:17:33,920 --> 00:17:37,080
oh, Jesus, it's the man from c&a!
318
00:17:39,480 --> 00:17:41,079
I've come to get my daughter.
319
00:17:41,080 --> 00:17:43,279
Oh, well, I sent her
down to king's cross
320
00:17:43,280 --> 00:17:45,320
to earn a few quid off
the kerb crawlers.
321
00:17:47,200 --> 00:17:49,879
One step closer and I shall
be toasting his tonsils!
322
00:17:49,880 --> 00:17:51,319
He doesn't mean it.
323
00:17:51,320 --> 00:17:53,079
He means it! Stay back!
324
00:17:53,080 --> 00:17:54,479
Dad?
325
00:17:54,480 --> 00:17:56,800
Deborah, darling, how
are you, sweetheart?
326
00:17:58,000 --> 00:18:00,879
Dad, you've got a toasting
fork stuck in his neck!
327
00:18:00,880 --> 00:18:03,679
Yes, and it feels terrific!
328
00:18:03,680 --> 00:18:06,719
Hey, man, don't take it out on me!
329
00:18:06,720 --> 00:18:08,839
I'm just a victim of the system.
330
00:18:08,840 --> 00:18:11,839
We have to rob to live. But
you don't, though, do you?
331
00:18:11,840 --> 00:18:14,599
You get everyone else to take
the risks and do it for you.
332
00:18:14,600 --> 00:18:16,919
No, he stole a walkman last week.
333
00:18:16,920 --> 00:18:19,040
Yeah, bev, but that was from you!
334
00:18:20,680 --> 00:18:22,919
Let's face it, you're
just a cowardly bully
335
00:18:22,920 --> 00:18:25,719
with all the charm of a
parasitic infestation.
336
00:18:25,720 --> 00:18:28,319
Deborah, I wanted to
take you away from here
337
00:18:28,320 --> 00:18:30,239
because I really want you back home.
338
00:18:30,240 --> 00:18:32,879
But that's no good unless
you really want to come.
339
00:18:32,880 --> 00:18:34,999
So I'm going to leave it up to you.
340
00:18:35,000 --> 00:18:36,559
And as for you...
341
00:18:36,560 --> 00:18:39,799
Look, I'll do anything, yeah?
342
00:18:39,800 --> 00:18:41,319
Any suggestions?
343
00:18:41,320 --> 00:18:45,839
Yeah, make him stand on one
leg and sing the birdie song.
344
00:18:45,840 --> 00:18:50,800
Yes, stand on one leg and
sing the birdie song.
345
00:18:53,120 --> 00:18:56,759
? With a little bit of this
and a little bit of that... ?
346
00:18:56,760 --> 00:18:58,559
Come on, come on! And
with all the actions!
347
00:18:58,560 --> 00:19:00,600
You bloody sadist!
348
00:19:02,920 --> 00:19:05,119
Joy, any news about Damien?
349
00:19:05,120 --> 00:19:08,160
Well, I rang the foreign
office and they just giggled.
350
00:19:09,320 --> 00:19:15,199
Ok, everyone, as it's joy's birthday
we'll take the usual short break.
351
00:19:15,200 --> 00:19:18,599
Custard creams and pomagne. You
shouldn't spoil me like this (!)
352
00:19:18,600 --> 00:19:21,239
Henry on loud hailer: Joy merryweather,
353
00:19:21,240 --> 00:19:24,039
as a special treat for your birthday,
354
00:19:24,040 --> 00:19:28,360
we present the chopendales!
355
00:19:29,320 --> 00:19:31,359
They said we were too
repressed and English,
356
00:19:31,360 --> 00:19:35,639
but proving them
oh-so-wrong, here is...
357
00:19:35,640 --> 00:19:37,039
Dave!
358
00:19:37,040 --> 00:19:40,120
Raunchy music whooping and screaming
359
00:19:43,760 --> 00:19:46,360
whooping and screaming continues
360
00:19:51,880 --> 00:19:54,880
screaming intensifies
361
00:20:02,480 --> 00:20:04,919
and joining me...
362
00:20:04,920 --> 00:20:07,759
A man so well hung he should
be in the national gallery!
363
00:20:07,760 --> 00:20:09,479
I give you Henry!
364
00:20:09,480 --> 00:20:12,240
Whooping and screaming
365
00:20:15,080 --> 00:20:17,200
raunchy music continues
366
00:20:24,480 --> 00:20:26,320
loud screams
367
00:20:27,400 --> 00:20:30,759
all right, who wants to pull our
jockstraps off with their teeth?
368
00:20:30,760 --> 00:20:32,279
Gus: Come on, ladies.
369
00:20:32,280 --> 00:20:35,520
Our ultra-responsible news office...
370
00:20:37,680 --> 00:20:39,800
Jesus wept!
371
00:20:41,800 --> 00:20:43,439
Excellent. Excellent.
372
00:20:43,440 --> 00:20:46,799
Er, still working on that story
exposing the vice of strip clubs.
373
00:20:46,800 --> 00:20:48,960
Well.. Well done, team!
374
00:20:50,000 --> 00:20:53,079
Ladies, let me show you our
extremely interesting, er...
375
00:20:53,080 --> 00:20:55,040
Boiler room.
376
00:20:56,120 --> 00:20:57,680
Come on!
377
00:21:01,760 --> 00:21:03,080
Oops.
378
00:21:04,480 --> 00:21:07,479
That was the most disgusting,
perverted, obscene display
379
00:21:07,480 --> 00:21:09,559
I have ever seen in my entire life!
380
00:21:09,560 --> 00:21:12,720
Yes, we thought you'd enjoy it. Ew...
381
00:21:14,280 --> 00:21:16,839
That was just to show you
that not all British men
382
00:21:16,840 --> 00:21:18,919
are unattractively inhibited.
383
00:21:18,920 --> 00:21:21,679
I'm impressed! Good,
so how about dinner?
384
00:21:21,680 --> 00:21:23,839
But not that impressed.
385
00:21:23,840 --> 00:21:26,519
Listen, Helen, I have never
felt this way about anyone.
386
00:21:26,520 --> 00:21:28,440
Why won't you take me seriously?
387
00:21:32,200 --> 00:21:33,839
George! How'd it go?
388
00:21:33,840 --> 00:21:35,679
That bloke give you any trouble?
389
00:21:35,680 --> 00:21:36,999
No.
390
00:21:37,000 --> 00:21:40,359
I just threatened to rip out his
jugular with a toasting folk.
391
00:21:40,360 --> 00:21:41,959
Oh, right.
392
00:21:41,960 --> 00:21:43,959
You are ok, George, are you?
393
00:21:43,960 --> 00:21:45,359
Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.
394
00:21:45,360 --> 00:21:48,319
I just walked unarmed into
a squat full of violent
395
00:21:48,320 --> 00:21:50,599
knife-carrying kids to face a psycho...
396
00:21:50,600 --> 00:21:52,880
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Joy,
get him some water!
397
00:22:01,840 --> 00:22:05,439
Dave, those aren't your normal
office clothes, are they?
398
00:22:05,440 --> 00:22:07,640
Not strictly speaking, no.
399
00:22:08,600 --> 00:22:11,080
Well, you should dress
smartly, like Henry.
400
00:22:13,680 --> 00:22:15,880
Joy: There you go, George.
401
00:22:17,520 --> 00:22:19,239
Thank you.
402
00:22:19,240 --> 00:22:22,199
I think I'll shall just go and
have a sit down in my office.
403
00:22:22,200 --> 00:22:23,519
Damien!
404
00:22:23,520 --> 00:22:25,600
Oh, he let you go, did he? Yes.
405
00:22:28,960 --> 00:22:32,040
I'm glad to see you've been
taking my plight seriously!
406
00:22:34,040 --> 00:22:35,759
So what happened?
407
00:22:35,760 --> 00:22:37,999
Well, he threatened to
feed me to his crocodiles,
408
00:22:38,000 --> 00:22:40,239
buried me up to my neck
in a football pitch,
409
00:22:40,240 --> 00:22:44,719
then he dug me up and showed
me his bind date videos.
410
00:22:44,720 --> 00:22:46,959
The bastard!
411
00:22:46,960 --> 00:22:49,079
I'm looking for dad.
412
00:22:49,080 --> 00:22:51,119
Oh, inside the office.
413
00:22:51,120 --> 00:22:53,720
It's not going to push up
the ratings, you know.
414
00:22:59,240 --> 00:23:00,639
Hello, Rambo.
415
00:23:00,640 --> 00:23:02,319
Deborah!
416
00:23:02,320 --> 00:23:03,679
You were right about fixx.
417
00:23:03,680 --> 00:23:05,639
You're coming home?
418
00:23:05,640 --> 00:23:08,480
Don't know. I'm staying with
Laura at mum's tonight.
419
00:23:09,560 --> 00:23:10,839
Ok.
420
00:23:10,840 --> 00:23:12,760
Brought you a present.
421
00:23:14,760 --> 00:23:16,760
Thank you! Unwrap it, then.
422
00:23:21,960 --> 00:23:23,159
It's a video.
423
00:23:23,160 --> 00:23:24,760
No, it's all right!
424
00:23:25,880 --> 00:23:27,840
I filed the serial number off.
425
00:23:32,840 --> 00:23:34,839
Gus: Dave? Dave?
426
00:23:34,840 --> 00:23:36,759
Oh, there you are.
427
00:23:36,760 --> 00:23:38,759
Didn't recognise you
with your trousers on.
428
00:23:38,760 --> 00:23:40,359
Yeah, all right, Gus. I said I'm sorry.
429
00:23:40,360 --> 00:23:43,479
Now, what's the lead story?
Constitutional crisis in Russia.
430
00:23:43,480 --> 00:23:45,839
Yeltsin's still trying
to advance democracy
431
00:23:45,840 --> 00:23:47,719
by becoming a dictator.
432
00:23:47,720 --> 00:23:49,319
Not very viewer friendly.
433
00:23:49,320 --> 00:23:51,239
I feel we should focus
on the crisis in Italy,
434
00:23:51,240 --> 00:23:53,399
with its implications
for European unity,
435
00:23:53,400 --> 00:23:56,239
stability and that terrific
punch-up they had in parliament.
436
00:23:56,240 --> 00:23:59,519
Careful, Gus, mrs whitehouse's mob
will go spare at all that violence.
437
00:23:59,520 --> 00:24:02,719
Oh, no problem, I'll hit her
with one of my charm offensives.
438
00:24:02,720 --> 00:24:05,519
Maybe send her some flowers. Good idea.
439
00:24:05,520 --> 00:24:07,199
I've got a daffodil you can have.
440
00:24:07,200 --> 00:24:09,960
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