All language subtitles for Drop The Dead Donkey s03e09 Paintball.eng

This episode of drop the dead donkey
was first shown in march '93,

in a week when the us attempted
to airlift food into Bosnia,

and the director-general of the BBC

had to give up his
freelance tax status.

Oh, god.

I'm so bored I could read John
Smith's speech on the constitution.

I tell you what, a tenner on the
first thing George complains about

when he arrives. Yeah, all right.

My money says it'll be that one-girl
death squad he calls his daughter.

No, no, he'll open on
one of his symptoms.

Morning, everyone. Staff announcement.

The woman who's been doing on-site
massage won't be coming in today

because last week, she tried to
ease George's shoulder muscles

and she dislocated her thumbs.

Now, John gummer's
going to be criticised

over the egg salmonella scam. Any
idea what his reaction will be?

Yep, he'll feed an
omelette to his daughter.

Yeah. And he'll give her stewed
cow brain with listeria pate,

washed down with apple juice.

I hope there isn't a rabies scare,
he'll probably bite her himself.

Well, I'm off to the picture
library to find a still of him

that looks vaguely human.
I may be some time.

Morning, George. Morning.

How's life treating you? Not very well.

Problems at home?

No, it's these inflamed sinuses.

Yes!

Are you all right, Dave?

I'm extremely well, thank you, George.

I think the sinuses are connected
with the dizzy spells.

Hubwhah!

Bwah!

He is always in hypochondriac
mode on Friday morning

because on Thursday evening, he's
watched the health programme

on BBC 2 and he develops
all the symptoms.

All right, let's do Henry.

Tenner says his first
words are about sex.

No, no, driving, definitely.

Bloody bus lanes full of bloody buses!

I can't believe it.

Morning, ratings busters,

are we strafing Pete punter
with sexy scoops? You bet.

No Sally yet? She's
having her hair done.

How do they fit a head that
size in a conventional dryer?

I expect they just undo
the bolts in her neck.

Then they put her head in the dryer
and hope the plastic doesn't melt!

Morning, Henry. Have you fed
the hamster this morning?

What hamster? The one on your head.

I think we have a slight
togetherness shortfall here.

And I trust that nobody needs
reminding that tomorrow

sees our adventure weekend
for key personnel.

Designed to promote team bonding.
Oh, Gus.

We're going to learn a lot about
each other from this weekend.

Gus, I don't think it's a very
good idea that we all learn

a lot about each other.

Don't worry, George.

You concentrate on the little stuff
and leave the big picture to me, ok?

Now, this weekend will be
exciting, it will be fun.

But above all, it will be compulsory.

Terrific.

Here's a good one. A tenner
says that within 20 seconds,

I can make George go to the toilet.
You are on.

George, how did that
business with your Deborah

and the headmaster's car turn out?

Did they prove she was
driving the steam roller?

Excuse me, irritable bowel syndrome.

Right, juvenile crime.

The tories are still going
on about the old values.

Look, every generation kids
itself about the "good old days".

The victorians hankered
after the 18th-century.

And in the 18th-century,
they all went round saying

kids were better behaved
100 years back,

when they were dying
from bubonic plague.

There's never been a "golden age".

I bet you the dinosaurs
went round bleating,

"you never got any of this egg stealing

"in the good old Jurassic period."

It's all nostalgia.

Nostalgia is the last
refuge of the moron,

to paraphrase dr Johnson.

And they don't make writers
like him any more.

What are you doing? Nothing.

Dave, as a competent liar,

you rank somewhere between
Ronald Reagan and Pinocchio.

All right, I'm running a book.

On the first letter of the
first word that George uses

when he gets back from lunch.
Oh, for goodness sake.

Do you want a bet? Everyone else has.

Now, the clever money's on I,
but I've gone for h at 9:1.

Why h? Hmmwah!

I'm going for x at 100:1.

X? I've heard of betting
long, but that's ridiculous.

Ooh, joy, I want you to
dig out some statistics.

We need to cover the rise
in prescription charges.

No, we've covered that. No,
that was last week's rise.

And we seem to be out of milk.

Correction. You coffee
drinkers are out of milk,

we tea drinkers have our
own milk kitty now.

How will we know which is your milk?
Easy.

It's the one with, "hands off,
you coffee drinking bastards,"

written on it.

Hey up, George. Shh, shh, shh.

"Xylophone for sale"?
Who's put this here?

Yes! Oh, no. No way, you cheated.

What? You can't have that!

What's going on?

George...

George, you may recall
that a few days ago,

I was refused permission to appear
in an advertisement for instant soup

on the grounds that it would erode
my credibility as a news reader.

And yet it has come to my attention

that Henry is to be allowed
to front a programme for CBS.

Because Henry's is a
documentary, it's factual.

My soup ad would be factual.

I say, "Kelly's quick soup
is a super soup in seconds."

That is exactly what it is.

My dear girl, it hardly compares.

I'm fronting a prestigious
series on dinosaurs.

It opens with a great shot of me
in the natural history museum,

standing next to this fossil.

Won't that be confusing?

Jealous? It starts on Monday.

They're paying me �40,000.

George, if he's going to get
that obscene amount of money

just to show us some of his relatives,

then I demand to be allowed
to do my quick soup ad!

Um...

I'm sorry, but you've
been given a decision.

When I want an underling's
opinion, I'll send you a memo.

Underling? Now, you listen to me,
you unprofessional, stuck-up,

tight-arsed... bu-bu-bu...
Please, please!

I think we're underachieving in the
team togetherness department here.

It only confirms how much we
need this adventure weekend.

So we can start to harmonise and bond.

Ok, terrific. So, you are
divided into two forces.

Green and red.

And remember, this isn't some
namby-pamby run-around, oh, no, no.

This is recreational warfare.

I want to see total commitment.

I shall be in command
of the green force,

the red force will be
commanded by Damien.

Now we will disperse and...

Where's Sally?

She's over there being
photographed for hello.

Camera shutter clicks

Sally. Excuse me. This is
not a photo opportunity.

On the contrary, Gus. It's an
excellent photo opportunity

for me to show what a good sport I am.

Now, what can I do for you?

Well, I've put you in the red force.

And that involves what exactly?

Well, running around, chasing
after the green force.

I'm sorry, Gus. I don't
run around for anybody.

I think you must be confusing
me with anneka rice.

Now, if anyone wants me,
I'll be back at the hotel.

Oh, come on, let's get started.

My team are itching to
give your lot a hammering.

We'll just see about
that, shall we? Ok!

Whistle pips go!

Go! Go!

George...

Oh, look. The first of the snowdrops.

Go!

Distant yelps of pain

how's it going?

Not too well, by the look of it.

I think Henry is about
to have a heart attack.

And joy is just going
completely berserk.

Oh, she's firing at a squirrel now.

What a waste of a weekend, hey? Yeah.

I was supposed to be spending
this weekend with a friend.

Oh, is that the tall,
blonde aromatherapist?

Green Sierra, strawberry-shaped
birthmark on her shoulder.

Husband works on an oil rig.

How do you know that?

It was in the newsletter.
I'm sorry, the newsletter?

Joy puts all your
adulteries on a floppy disk

and prints them out once a month.
Oh, I don't believe this.

It's your own fault. Your
private life is a public mess.

You seem to be fatally attracted
to the wrong kind of woman.

Oh, and you're attracted to
the right kind, I suppose.

Who told you?

George.

He promised not to tell anyone.

There's no need to be so defensive,
nobody is bothered about it.

I happen to know there are already

three lesbians working in the office.

Fix you up with a date, if you like.

Roaring what was that?

Damien roars

damn.

You're dead, sucker!

No, I'm not. Flesh wound.

Don't be ridiculous, you're dead.
Well...

You're dead now.

You can't do that! I just did.
You're dead.

Damien, you're out of the game!
Bollocks, I am.

Damien, I am not playing
if you're going to cheat!

Gus seems to be enjoying himself.

So, um, what put you off men, then?
I married one.

It was a disaster.

So, um, do you, er...

Do you never fancy men now, then?

In order to be physically
attracted to a man these days,

I either have to be
desperate or blind drunk.

Right.

Although, I must say
I do feel a stirring

every time I see that boy with
the tyre in the levi ads.

Actually, I've got quite
a few pairs of levi's.

You've got the tyre as well.

I tell you what, um...

..Just as an experiment,
why don't I kiss you

and you tell me if you feel anything?

All right.

But purely in the interests of science.

Bloody hell fire! That
woman joy is a psychopath!

Look what she's done!

George!

Could we have a little
word in my office?

I just wanted to congratulate
you on the adventure weekend.

Yes, Gus, look, I... I know
you were a bit apprehensive,

but you really threw yourself
into it, didn't you?

I mean, the way you
ambushed me like that.

You know, this may sound
funny, but there's some people

who might have felt a bit awkward
about shooting their boss.

36 times.

Gus, I am sorry.

Some might have thought twice
before stripping him naked

and lashing him to a tree.

But not you, George.

Still, the interrogation was
all a bit of fun, wasn't it?

And I've been told that the rope
burns will heal in due course.

No, I think it's only the
beating that I quibble with.

And possibly your tone.

My tone?

Yes, tell me, George, does the phrase

"eat dirt, motherfucker!"
Ring any bells?

I didn't say that, did I?
Several times.

While you were pistol-whipping
me with your paint gun.

Gus, I am sorry. I
just got the red mist.

I don't remember any of this.

I have been bottling up rather
a lot of tension recently.

Of course you have. I
understand, George.

Just as I'm sure you understand

when I say that I've now acquired
quite a bit of tension of my own.

Which I may need to release on someone.

I wonder who that will be.

I think we should have a game
of squash this lunchtime.

I don't play squash.
You do now, George.

The result of the

"how will the Americans screw up
the Bosnian airdrop?" Sweepstake.

Sheila said they'd include
pork for the muslims.

Steve said they'd drop the
pallets in the wrong area.

And Eileen said they'd
miss Bosnia altogether.

So everybody's right.

Hello, Rambo. Did you
enjoy your weekend?

I'm not sure.

I must say, I do feel a lot
more relaxed, physically.

My sinuses have cleared completely.
And I've not had any dizzy spells.

Yes, I'd say this weekend
has definitely helped me

get rid of a lot of tension.

Me too. How about you, Helen?

She whistles joy's whistling.

Well, I think she released
a lot of tension as well.

Especially on those cows.

Morning, George. How's
my hero this morning?

Why's he your hero? Because
of what he did to Henry.

Oh, that. Yes, well, he shouldn't
have crept up on me like that.

I must say, one of those paint
balls fired at point-blank range

leaves quite a bruise, doesn't it?
Henry looked positively disfigured.

I'll make you a coffee, George.

Er... what are you doing?

I just fancied a hobnob.

And you're a member of the
hobnob kitty, are you?

You see, we in the hobnob faction

have broken away from the
biscuit group, George.

Ah! And you're barred
from the hobnob kitty

ever since you ate the whole packet

and tried to blame it
on the garibaldi mob.

Where is he?!

I thought you're supposed to be

filming your dinosaur
piece this morning.

I was! Until I turned up
on location with this.

The director said he
couldn't wait for it to heal

because of the schedule, the
producer put me in a taxi,

and I waved goodbye to �40,000!

And now I'm gonna kill you.

All clamour what on earth
is going on here?!

This is just the kind of
childish indiscipline

that ruined my adventure weekend!

I'm already receiving complaints.

A farmer's just rung me to say
that his dairy herd is now

covered in yellow splodges.

The poor man's cows were put
in quarantine for 24 hours,

and now he's talking compensation.

I should be docking the money out
of the wages of those responsible.

Yes, well, let's all just get
on with our work, shall we?

Um, George, why don't we
go through to your office,

talk through a few stories, I
think you'll be safer there.

Morning, everyone. Did we
all enjoy our weekend?

I know I did.

There's something intensely
rewarding about spending the day

shooting your colleagues in the back.

I must say, I wasn't over
impressed with the hotel.

It was a bit noisy.

I agree, I thought it was very noisy.

But then that's probably because
I had the room next to Dave.

Proposals to divide British
gas into 12 separate units.

You'd think it already was

from the number of men they have
to send round to mend your boiler.

You're on good form, considering.

Yes, well, you know, I think
I've been bottling up

a lot of anger over this
business with Helen.

You know, after the
time I asked her out

and then she told me she was a lesbian.

It's silly, but I interpreted
that as some sort of a rejection,

whereas now I can see that
she just prefers women.

And so she'd automatically
reject any man.

Yeah, right.

And that's given me back my confidence.

That's good.

No sinuses, no dizzy spells, nothing.

Ok, everyone, let's get
this show on the road!

I'm feeling particularly dynamic
today, so, team, what's cooking?

Well, there are quite a
few stories breaking.

Ok, hit me.

Ok, this just in.

Director-general of the
BBC is to join the BBC.

And we've got some good
footage of Virginia bottomley

holding a big donor card saying,

"I would like to help someone
live after my death."

The way she runs the NHS,

she's not gonna help anyone
live before her death, is she?

How did your game of squash go?

Do you know, I think there's
something wrong with Gus's eyesight.

He has terrible problems
judging distances.

Every time I went to hit the
ball, he smashed into me

and crashed me against the wall.

Didn't that hurt? What's a few bruises?

I was really beginning to enjoy it.

Then we had to stop when
Gus dislocated his elbow.

Afternoon, Henry.

Afternoon, Dave. Afternoon, Damien.
Afternoon, airhead.

Afternoon, chi-chi.

I'm putting you on notice,
I'm in a foul mood.

So don't push your luck.

Oh, there you are, Gus. How's the arm?

What did the hospital say?

God, no sugar.

Ah-ah. That's the tea
drinkers' sugar, says there.

That's the decaf mob, they
get very, very touchy.

Right! That's it!

As of now, all 17
kitties are abolished.

That is not fair.

Sod fairness! Is this fair?

Are rope burns fair?
Life isn't fair, missy!

Now, I want a coffee.
Strong, black, now.

Dave, could we have a quiet
chat in the little office?

Yeah, sure.

Henry, I'm sorry if I was rude earlier.

I just want to say how
wrong those Americans are

to axe you as presenter
of that dinosaur series.

Really?

I can think of no-one who'd be
more authoritative than you

on the subject of lumbering creatures

with brains the size of a pea.

Right, you were warned.

Oh, my god!

Anyone else want to make my day?

God almighty, what's going on?
Everyone's flaking today.

Well, I feel great.
Yeah, we know, George.

Did I mention that my
sinuses have disappeared?

And my dizzy spells. Zillions of times.

Now, listen, George,

I've got an interesting leak
on the Bosnia story, right?

David and Helen seem to
be having a good chat.

Yeah. Anyway, this story, George...

And why not? They do work
together very closely after all.

Hardly surprising they
should be having good chats.

Hardly surprising at all, especially
as they spent all Saturday screwing.

Anyway, this story, right...
no, no, no, no.

No, you're wrong.

You see, Helen doesn't like men.

That's why it wasn't
a rejection for me.

You see, Helen's boyfriend
is a girlfriend.

Yeah. Whatever you say, George.

I mean, maybe she was just
bonking Dave out of charity.

Screaming the words "not
yet" because he asked

if match of the day had started.

Look, George, the really interesting
thing about this Bosnian...

Hubwah! Hubwah!

Oh, dear, here I go.

The thing is, Dave...

..Since we slept together
on Saturday night,

I've been feeling a bit dazed.

Yeah, well, you banged your
head on the headboard.

I meant emotionally.

But I've thought it through and...

Well, look, I just wanted to thank
you for helping to sort me out

with regards to my sexuality.
Hey, no thanks needed.

No, you really have done me
the most enormous favour.

Because our having sex
together has made me realise

once and for all

that I am definitely

a lesbian.

I'm sorry?

You see, I'd just split
up with my girlfriend.

And what happened between us made
me realise that, physically,

emotionally, it's still her I want.
So thanks.

You're a pal.

Anything I should know for
the newsletter, Dave?

Sally: I see the pope is saying
that Bosnian rape victims

shouldn't have abortions.

Henry: That medievally-minded jackass

is just gonna keep banging on about
how women were born to suffer.

The only way to make his
holiness understand

is to pin him to the ground, perform
a sex change on the old fool,

and then artificially inseminate him.

For that remark, Henry, you'll
burn in hell for eternity.

Doesn't frighten me, I've sat
next to you for three years.

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