Original subtitles

This episode of drop the dead donkey was first shown in march '93,

in a week when the us attempted to airlift food into Bosnia,

and the director-general of the BBC

had to give up his freelance tax status.

Oh, god.

I'm so bored I could read John Smith's speech on the constitution.

I tell you what, a tenner on the first thing George complains about

when he arrives. Yeah, all right.

My money says it'll be that one-girl death squad he calls his daughter.

No, no, he'll open on one of his symptoms.

Morning, everyone. Staff announcement.

The woman who's been doing on-site massage won't be coming in today

because last week, she tried to ease George's shoulder muscles

and she dislocated her thumbs.

Now, John gummer's going to be criticised

over the egg salmonella scam. Any idea what his reaction will be?

Yep, he'll feed an omelette to his daughter.

Yeah. And he'll give her stewed cow brain with listeria pate,

washed down with apple juice.

I hope there isn't a rabies scare, he'll probably bite her himself.

Well, I'm off to the picture library to find a still of him

that looks vaguely human. I may be some time.

Morning, George. Morning.

How's life treating you? Not very well.

Problems at home?

No, it's these inflamed sinuses.

Yes!

Are you all right, Dave?

I'm extremely well, thank you, George.

I think the sinuses are connected with the dizzy spells.

Hubwhah!

Bwah!

He is always in hypochondriac mode on Friday morning

because on Thursday evening, he's watched the health programme

on BBC 2 and he develops all the symptoms.

All right, let's do Henry.

Tenner says his first words are about sex.

No, no, driving, definitely.

Bloody bus lanes full of bloody buses!

I can't believe it.

Morning, ratings busters,

are we strafing Pete punter with sexy scoops? You bet.

No Sally yet? She's having her hair done.

How do they fit a head that size in a conventional dryer?

I expect they just undo the bolts in her neck.

Then they put her head in the dryer and hope the plastic doesn't melt!

Morning, Henry. Have you fed the hamster this morning?

What hamster? The one on your head.

I think we have a slight togetherness shortfall here.

And I trust that nobody needs reminding that tomorrow

sees our adventure weekend for key personnel.

Designed to promote team bonding. Oh, Gus.

We're going to learn a lot about each other from this weekend.

Gus, I don't think it's a very good idea that we all learn

a lot about each other.

Don't worry, George.

You concentrate on the little stuff and leave the big picture to me, ok?

Now, this weekend will be exciting, it will be fun.

But above all, it will be compulsory.

Terrific.

Here's a good one. A tenner says that within 20 seconds,

I can make George go to the toilet. You are on.

George, how did that business with your Deborah

and the headmaster's car turn out?

Did they prove she was driving the steam roller?

Excuse me, irritable bowel syndrome.

Right, juvenile crime.

The tories are still going on about the old values.

Look, every generation kids itself about the "good old days".

The victorians hankered after the 18th-century.

And in the 18th-century, they all went round saying

kids were better behaved 100 years back,

when they were dying from bubonic plague.

There's never been a "golden age".

I bet you the dinosaurs went round bleating,

"you never got any of this egg stealing

"in the good old Jurassic period."

It's all nostalgia.

Nostalgia is the last refuge of the moron,

to paraphrase dr Johnson.

And they don't make writers like him any more.

What are you doing? Nothing.

Dave, as a competent liar,

you rank somewhere between Ronald Reagan and Pinocchio.

All right, I'm running a book.

On the first letter of the first word that George uses

when he gets back from lunch. Oh, for goodness sake.

Do you want a bet? Everyone else has.

Now, the clever money's on I, but I've gone for h at 9:1.

Why h? Hmmwah!

I'm going for x at 100:1.

X? I've heard of betting long, but that's ridiculous.

Ooh, joy, I want you to dig out some statistics.

We need to cover the rise in prescription charges.

No, we've covered that. No, that was last week's rise.

And we seem to be out of milk.

Correction. You coffee drinkers are out of milk,

we tea drinkers have our own milk kitty now.

How will we know which is your milk? Easy.

It's the one with, "hands off, you coffee drinking bastards,"

written on it.

Hey up, George. Shh, shh, shh.

"Xylophone for sale"? Who's put this here?

Yes! Oh, no. No way, you cheated.

What? You can't have that!

What's going on?

George...

George, you may recall that a few days ago,

I was refused permission to appear in an advertisement for instant soup

on the grounds that it would erode my credibility as a news reader.

And yet it has come to my attention

that Henry is to be allowed to front a programme for CBS.

Because Henry's is a documentary, it's factual.

My soup ad would be factual.

I say, "Kelly's quick soup is a super soup in seconds."

That is exactly what it is.

My dear girl, it hardly compares.

I'm fronting a prestigious series on dinosaurs.

It opens with a great shot of me in the natural history museum,

standing next to this fossil.

Won't that be confusing?

Jealous? It starts on Monday.

They're paying me �40,000.

George, if he's going to get that obscene amount of money

just to show us some of his relatives,

then I demand to be allowed to do my quick soup ad!

Um...

I'm sorry, but you've been given a decision.

When I want an underling's opinion, I'll send you a memo.

Underling? Now, you listen to me, you unprofessional, stuck-up,

tight-arsed... bu-bu-bu... Please, please!

I think we're underachieving in the team togetherness department here.

It only confirms how much we need this adventure weekend.

So we can start to harmonise and bond.

Ok, terrific. So, you are divided into two forces.

Green and red.

And remember, this isn't some namby-pamby run-around, oh, no, no.

This is recreational warfare.

I want to see total commitment.

I shall be in command of the green force,

the red force will be commanded by Damien.

Now we will disperse and...

Where's Sally?

She's over there being photographed for hello.

Camera shutter clicks

Sally. Excuse me. This is not a photo opportunity.

On the contrary, Gus. It's an excellent photo opportunity

for me to show what a good sport I am.

Now, what can I do for you?

Well, I've put you in the red force.

And that involves what exactly?

Well, running around, chasing after the green force.

I'm sorry, Gus. I don't run around for anybody.

I think you must be confusing me with anneka rice.

Now, if anyone wants me, I'll be back at the hotel.

Oh, come on, let's get started.

My team are itching to give your lot a hammering.

We'll just see about that, shall we? Ok!

Whistle pips go!

Go! Go!

George...

Oh, look. The first of the snowdrops.

Go!

Distant yelps of pain

how's it going?

Not too well, by the look of it.

I think Henry is about to have a heart attack.

And joy is just going completely berserk.

Oh, she's firing at a squirrel now.

What a waste of a weekend, hey? Yeah.

I was supposed to be spending this weekend with a friend.

Oh, is that the tall, blonde aromatherapist?

Green Sierra, strawberry-shaped birthmark on her shoulder.

Husband works on an oil rig.

How do you know that?

It was in the newsletter. I'm sorry, the newsletter?

Joy puts all your adulteries on a floppy disk

and prints them out once a month. Oh, I don't believe this.

It's your own fault. Your private life is a public mess.

You seem to be fatally attracted to the wrong kind of woman.

Oh, and you're attracted to the right kind, I suppose.

Who told you?

George.

He promised not to tell anyone.

There's no need to be so defensive, nobody is bothered about it.

I happen to know there are already

three lesbians working in the office.

Fix you up with a date, if you like.

Roaring what was that?

Damien roars

damn.

You're dead, sucker!

No, I'm not. Flesh wound.

Don't be ridiculous, you're dead. Well...

You're dead now.

You can't do that! I just did. You're dead.

Damien, you're out of the game! Bollocks, I am.

Damien, I am not playing if you're going to cheat!

Gus seems to be enjoying himself.

So, um, what put you off men, then? I married one.

It was a disaster.

So, um, do you, er...

Do you never fancy men now, then?

In order to be physically attracted to a man these days,

I either have to be desperate or blind drunk.

Right.

Although, I must say I do feel a stirring

every time I see that boy with the tyre in the levi ads.

Actually, I've got quite a few pairs of levi's.

You've got the tyre as well.

I tell you what, um...

..Just as an experiment, why don't I kiss you

and you tell me if you feel anything?

All right.

But purely in the interests of science.

Bloody hell fire! That woman joy is a psychopath!

Look what she's done!

George!

Could we have a little word in my office?

I just wanted to congratulate you on the adventure weekend.

Yes, Gus, look, I... I know you were a bit apprehensive,

but you really threw yourself into it, didn't you?

I mean, the way you ambushed me like that.

You know, this may sound funny, but there's some people

who might have felt a bit awkward about shooting their boss.

36 times.

Gus, I am sorry.

Some might have thought twice before stripping him naked

and lashing him to a tree.

But not you, George.

Still, the interrogation was all a bit of fun, wasn't it?

And I've been told that the rope burns will heal in due course.

No, I think it's only the beating that I quibble with.

And possibly your tone.

My tone?

Yes, tell me, George, does the phrase

"eat dirt, motherfucker!" Ring any bells?

I didn't say that, did I? Several times.

While you were pistol-whipping me with your paint gun.

Gus, I am sorry. I just got the red mist.

I don't remember any of this.

I have been bottling up rather a lot of tension recently.

Of course you have. I understand, George.

Just as I'm sure you understand

when I say that I've now acquired quite a bit of tension of my own.

Which I may need to release on someone.

I wonder who that will be.

I think we should have a game of squash this lunchtime.

I don't play squash. You do now, George.

The result of the

"how will the Americans screw up the Bosnian airdrop?" Sweepstake.

Sheila said they'd include pork for the muslims.

Steve said they'd drop the pallets in the wrong area.

And Eileen said they'd miss Bosnia altogether.

So everybody's right.

Hello, Rambo. Did you enjoy your weekend?

I'm not sure.

I must say, I do feel a lot more relaxed, physically.

My sinuses have cleared completely. And I've not had any dizzy spells.

Yes, I'd say this weekend has definitely helped me

get rid of a lot of tension.

Me too. How about you, Helen?

She whistles joy's whistling.

Well, I think she released a lot of tension as well.

Especially on those cows.

Morning, George. How's my hero this morning?

Why's he your hero? Because of what he did to Henry.

Oh, that. Yes, well, he shouldn't have crept up on me like that.

I must say, one of those paint balls fired at point-blank range

leaves quite a bruise, doesn't it? Henry looked positively disfigured.

I'll make you a coffee, George.

Er... what are you doing?

I just fancied a hobnob.

And you're a member of the hobnob kitty, are you?

You see, we in the hobnob faction

have broken away from the biscuit group, George.

Ah! And you're barred from the hobnob kitty

ever since you ate the whole packet

and tried to blame it on the garibaldi mob.

Where is he?!

I thought you're supposed to be

filming your dinosaur piece this morning.

I was! Until I turned up on location with this.

The director said he couldn't wait for it to heal

because of the schedule, the producer put me in a taxi,

and I waved goodbye to �40,000!

And now I'm gonna kill you.

All clamour what on earth is going on here?!

This is just the kind of childish indiscipline

that ruined my adventure weekend!

I'm already receiving complaints.

A farmer's just rung me to say that his dairy herd is now

covered in yellow splodges.

The poor man's cows were put in quarantine for 24 hours,

and now he's talking compensation.

I should be docking the money out of the wages of those responsible.

Yes, well, let's all just get on with our work, shall we?

Um, George, why don't we go through to your office,

talk through a few stories, I think you'll be safer there.

Morning, everyone. Did we all enjoy our weekend?

I know I did.

There's something intensely rewarding about spending the day

shooting your colleagues in the back.

I must say, I wasn't over impressed with the hotel.

It was a bit noisy.

I agree, I thought it was very noisy.

But then that's probably because I had the room next to Dave.

Proposals to divide British gas into 12 separate units.

You'd think it already was

from the number of men they have to send round to mend your boiler.

You're on good form, considering.

Yes, well, you know, I think I've been bottling up

a lot of anger over this business with Helen.

You know, after the time I asked her out

and then she told me she was a lesbian.

It's silly, but I interpreted that as some sort of a rejection,

whereas now I can see that she just prefers women.

And so she'd automatically reject any man.

Yeah, right.

And that's given me back my confidence.

That's good.

No sinuses, no dizzy spells, nothing.

Ok, everyone, let's get this show on the road!

I'm feeling particularly dynamic today, so, team, what's cooking?

Well, there are quite a few stories breaking.

Ok, hit me.

Ok, this just in.

Director-general of the BBC is to join the BBC.

And we've got some good footage of Virginia bottomley

holding a big donor card saying,

"I would like to help someone live after my death."

The way she runs the NHS,

she's not gonna help anyone live before her death, is she?

How did your game of squash go?

Do you know, I think there's something wrong with Gus's eyesight.

He has terrible problems judging distances.

Every time I went to hit the ball, he smashed into me

and crashed me against the wall.

Didn't that hurt? What's a few bruises?

I was really beginning to enjoy it.

Then we had to stop when Gus dislocated his elbow.

Afternoon, Henry.

Afternoon, Dave. Afternoon, Damien. Afternoon, airhead.

Afternoon, chi-chi.

I'm putting you on notice, I'm in a foul mood.

So don't push your luck.

Oh, there you are, Gus. How's the arm?

What did the hospital say?

God, no sugar.

Ah-ah. That's the tea drinkers' sugar, says there.

That's the decaf mob, they get very, very touchy.

Right! That's it!

As of now, all 17 kitties are abolished.

That is not fair.

Sod fairness! Is this fair?

Are rope burns fair? Life isn't fair, missy!

Now, I want a coffee. Strong, black, now.

Dave, could we have a quiet chat in the little office?

Yeah, sure.

Henry, I'm sorry if I was rude earlier.

I just want to say how wrong those Americans are

to axe you as presenter of that dinosaur series.

Really?

I can think of no-one who'd be more authoritative than you

on the subject of lumbering creatures

with brains the size of a pea.

Right, you were warned.

Oh, my god!

Anyone else want to make my day?

God almighty, what's going on? Everyone's flaking today.

Well, I feel great. Yeah, we know, George.

Did I mention that my sinuses have disappeared?

And my dizzy spells. Zillions of times.

Now, listen, George,

I've got an interesting leak on the Bosnia story, right?

David and Helen seem to be having a good chat.

Yeah. Anyway, this story, George...

And why not? They do work together very closely after all.

Hardly surprising they should be having good chats.

Hardly surprising at all, especially as they spent all Saturday screwing.

Anyway, this story, right... no, no, no, no.

No, you're wrong.

You see, Helen doesn't like men.

That's why it wasn't a rejection for me.

You see, Helen's boyfriend is a girlfriend.

Yeah. Whatever you say, George.

I mean, maybe she was just bonking Dave out of charity.

Screaming the words "not yet" because he asked

if match of the day had started.

Look, George, the really interesting thing about this Bosnian...

Hubwah! Hubwah!

Oh, dear, here I go.

The thing is, Dave...

..Since we slept together on Saturday night,

I've been feeling a bit dazed.

Yeah, well, you banged your head on the headboard.

I meant emotionally.

But I've thought it through and...

Well, look, I just wanted to thank you for helping to sort me out

with regards to my sexuality. Hey, no thanks needed.

No, you really have done me the most enormous favour.

Because our having sex together has made me realise

once and for all

that I am definitely

a lesbian.

I'm sorry?

You see, I'd just split up with my girlfriend.

And what happened between us made me realise that, physically,

emotionally, it's still her I want. So thanks.

You're a pal.

Anything I should know for the newsletter, Dave?

Sally: I see the pope is saying that Bosnian rape victims

shouldn't have abortions.

Henry: That medievally-minded jackass

is just gonna keep banging on about how women were born to suffer.

The only way to make his holiness understand

is to pin him to the ground, perform a sex change on the old fool,

and then artificially inseminate him.

For that remark, Henry, you'll burn in hell for eternity.

Doesn't frighten me, I've sat next to you for three years.

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