Original subtitles

Voice-over: And now, drop the dead donkey.

This episode was first shown in February '93,

in a week when juvenile crime became a burning issue,

salman rushdie appealed for help from number 10,

John Major visited the new president in Washington,

and England's cricket team slumped to defeat in India.

Damien grunts

muttering

and now, after our six-day trek

through the hostile and impenetrable Borneo interior,

I am now standing just a few feet away from the...

Bengawin people.

A tribe who are still living in the stone age

and have never, ever been seen by a white man before.

Come now.

So, we go forward to meet them.

Mm.

Speaks their language

mm.

The gifts.

We're now going to engage in the traditional exchanging of gifts.

Mmm!

Mm.

"Never, ever been seen by a white man before"?

Well... not many...

White men.

Hm!

Thanks.

Thanks a bunch (!)

I was, er... I was rather hoping for some...

..Shrunken heads.

Swap for new Carter the unstoppable sex machine cd!

Kids yelling

'ok, cut, Jerry.'

all right, let's have your orders please,

for the Damien cock-ups tape.

Oh, thanks, mate. Yeah, thanks a lot (!)

Look, I don't make the "Dave charnley

"disastrous shaggings with married women tape", do I?

Well, you couldn't. They're not on film.

Well, hardly any of 'em.

Well, look, I really think it's a bit un... morning, arseholes.

Everyone ok?

Shame. I was hoping you'd all died in the night.

Bloody hell,

she must have got out the wrong side of her coffin this morning.

Seen this? More of Fergie in the tabloids.

I think it's appalling, the way she acts.

After all, in the vulgar foreign mind, she symbolises Britain.

I think it's quite appropriate, really.

Both been screwed by their financial advisers.

George seems particularly out of it these days.

Yeah, he's been doing his "zombie from the planet nerd" impersonation

ever since Helen spurned his declaration of love.

Mm, poor George. He's not cut out for life, is he?

Joy! What have you done with today's story list?

I've eaten it.

Then regurgitate it and distribute it now, please.

Heil Helen. Perhaps you'd like me to check the perimeter fence next.

George, we're gonna have to do something about her.

Well, she's probably just going through a bad patch.

Maybe someone's making her... unhappy.

Yes, well, professionals leave their personal problems at home.

Don't they, George? Morning, mountaineers.

Climbing the north face of news-making again, are we? Terrific!

George, we seem to have a joy aggression overload this morning.

I do feel it's time for you to take the whole hog, bite the bull

by the scruff of the horns and have a stiff word with her.

Yes, well, perhaps if it gets any worse.

No time as good as the present.

Hesitation, George, is the father of impotence.

Well, I don't see why we have to bring impotence into this!

Perhaps we should all just get back on with our work.

No, Gus is right, she's becoming intolerable.

I don't want to have to work

with members of staff who don't respect me.

Bye! Shall we go?

Yes, well, joy, for all her faults,

is still the most efficient pa we have ever had, so can we all just...

You are just frightened to talk to her, aren't you? Not at all.

I'm quite capable of handling her. It's just a question of... tone.

All right, then.

Go and ask her now for a cup of coffee.

I don't quite... yes, yes, yes, George.

Demonstrate your skilful use of tone.

Yes.

Go on.

Very well.

Clears throat

softly: Joy.

Do you, er, think, if you're not too, er... you might, you know,

uh, find your way to... Getting me a cup of coffee?

Fuck off and die, George.

I'm sorry, George, you were saying?

Yes, well... we'll speak to her.

Joy! In George's office, now!

In German: Jawohl!

I'd be ever so grateful if you'd not put that on my side of the desk.

Pardon me for breathing.

Well, if you stopped doing that, I'd be really grateful.

Honestly, disputes about desk space. I'm living among pygmies!

Look, we're trying to be helpful.

Is it work?

Are you unhappy working here?

Is Pavarotti fat?

Listen, joy! This is your last chance.

What exactly is the problem?

She sighs men.

Oh, men. All men.

Would you like me to leave?

It doesn't include you, George.

Oh, right.

I've been seeing this married man. Nick beaumont.

He's a lying, loathsome, cheating, venomous piece of excrescence.

So? What's the problem? He won't marry me!

For six months, he's been promising he'll tell his wife about us

and get a divorce, and he's finally admitted...

He's gonna stay with her.

So, is now perhaps the time to take stock of things, walk away

and start the rest of your life?

No, now's the time to hack off his goolies with a rusty knife

and use them as costume jewellery.

You don't know what it's like.

Every night, wondering if he's gonna be able

to make up some excuse to slip away from his wife and fit you in.

I've been lots of excuses.

I've been a game of squash with Derek from work.

I've been frozen points at beckenham junction.

And I've been the future of formica conference in hull!

Oh, and the time we unexpectedly bumped into his wife,

I was a lost Danish tourist.

Ended up being put on a coach to Heathrow airport.

I am sorry, but none of this is relevant.

You know, we all have our personal problems.

Yes...

We don't all bring them into work,

and if you want to continue working here,

then your attitude has got to get better.

What? Even better than it is now? Joy!

Right, well, I'll get started on that straightaway, miss Cooper!

These proposals for changing labour's constitution -

any more on that? What's got into labour?

At least you used to know where you were.

Lots of struppy, beer-gutted bolsheviks who like whippets,

capstan full strength and Lenin.

Now it's full of Perrier-drinking PR prannies

who want to replace the red flag with the sun has got his hat on,

and think the tolpuddle martyrs are an American football team!

So, joy, decided to turn over a new leaf?

Oh, absolutely!

Then perhaps you'd like to make me a cup of coffee?

Nothing would bring me more pleasure.

Your coffee, Sally. And have a nice day.

Oh, Dave, I hear you got hold

of a pirate copy of Madonna's new movie - body of evidence.

Can you knock me off a copy? Yeah, sure.

How do the, er, sex scenes compare to basic instinct?

Even funnier.

Terrific.

Put it on a tape with the oil spill footage you're going to give me

of Damien reversing over that seal. Yep.

What was that? Bloody hell, that's a gun!

Not "a gun".

That is a 1938 luger parabella.

See, that's the terrific thing about yugoslavia.

They're fighting with some really valuable antique weapons.

I got that off one of the militia.

Had a heck of a job getting the guy to let go of it.

Yeah, I can imagine. Damien chuckles

I had to saw his fingers off in the end.

You sawed the fingers off a dead soldier?

Well, you wouldn't saw them off a live one, would you?

I'm surprised you didn't whip out his kidneys as a keepsake.

Oh, that's a bit tasteless. I'm tasteless?

Damien the dead-finger-chopper is calling me tasteless?

Just get off my case, charnley, ok? George: Oh, Dave.

Did you, er, manage to get anything useful on major in Washington?

Don't be ridiculous. Oh.

Are you all right? Yes, I'm fine.

It's just all this business with Helen.

I dunno, I suppose I'm just gonna have to face facts.

I'm just not very attractive to the opposite sex.

Maybe if I got a sun lamp.

I think maybe the problem with you, George,

is that you're just a little bit safe.

Safe? Yeah, you want to try cutting loose a little.

Well, I don't know that I'm that safe.

I mean, I don't always take the supermarket trolleys

back to the collection point.

And there's a parking ticket I still haven't paid.

When did you get it? Yesterday.

Joy! This coffee is revolting!

What on earth did you put in it? Sulphuric acid?

No, trichloroethane.

But that's just criminal! You could have poisoned me!

Do you know what you would get for that?

A medal?

Right, that's it! I'm going to see Gus!

George, I'm going to have another word with her.

I'm not sure that that will help.

You don't seem very sympathetic towards people

who have been messed about by the object of their affection.

Fine, do you want to have a chat with her?

All right, then.

George, no! George... Joy, in my office, please.

Here, salman rushdie's still saying

the only thing that'll give his case credibility with Iran

is if he sings standing next to John Major.

Is that what four years in isolation does to the mind?

Would you stop tossing your rubbish over my desk?

What, you've got bloody airspace now?

You should treat the office with respect!

If you were in a restaurant,

you wouldn't just throw things around, would you?

Well, he threw that waiter at gyles brandreth in the cafe royale.

Yes, yes, I felt bad about that. I only missed him by that much.

I just wanted you to know that I do sympathise.

I've been through exactly the same experience as you.

You've had an affair with a married man?

No. But I have experienced rejection.

I suppose we're all just moths fluttering around that flame.

I was so in love with Margaret when we first met.

You may find this hard to imagine,

but I was a virgin when I married her.

Well, for quite a while afterwards, actually.

Margaret was never very keen on...

"All that mucky business", as she used to call it.

Although, since we've split up,

I understand she doesn't seem to mind it quite so much.

But that's healthy. Finding new partners.

So I'm told.

Anyway, I... hope you're finding all this helpful.

No. Can I go now?

Oh, listen, joy... look, George, he swore on the Bible

he'd leave his wife. He was just stringing me along.

I feel humiliated.

Well, if that's how you feel, then I think you should go and see him -

resolve this thing one way or another.

Well, I'm certainly going to pay him a visit. Good.

You know, joy... You're still young.

This is all part of growing up. You'll see.

With time comes experience... and wisdom.

Listen, dog-features, one more gripe about this desk

and I'll shove the whole bloody thing down your gullet!

Oh, Henry, the sound boys have been complaining.

When you read out the words "massive bank profits",

can you try not to grind your teeth? Oh, and there's this -

major's personally taking charge of the fight against crime...

God almighty!

These appalling miscreants, they just don't care, do they?

They'll keep doing it again and again until someone says,

"enough is enough!" And to be Frank,

I'd just thrash every single one of them

with an each of their bloody lives!

I agree. Starting with gooch and then gatting and then...

Emburey!

All right, Henry, all right!

Morning! Anyone want a coffee?

Bloody Korea. What?

That shell that landed near me in '52

still gives me problem with my ears.

Just now, I thought I heard joy say, "anyone want a coffee?"

I did say that, Henry.

And I also baked some chocolate brownies, if anyone wants one.

What's in them? Paraquat?

I'll leave them there. Morning, Gus!

Is joy ill?

No, Gus, I had a word with her.

And that seems to have sorted things out.

Amazing what a sympathetic little chat can do, eh, Helen?

What's in there? Nothing.

Oh, look, stay away from there, will you? It's private.

It's more guns from yugoslavia, isn't it?

I know what you're up to - you're paying the camera boys

to ship them back for you. Look, it's a hobby, ok?

I mean, what exactly is wrong with collecting weapons?

Nothing, I was interested in guns for years. Then I reached puberty.

Just get off my back, Dave.

You don't want to get on the wrong side of me.

Council tax demand for you, Dave, addressed to "father Dave charnley".

Members of religious groups are exempt.

Oh, and also, about those bootleg videos...

Yeah, will you keep your voice down?

Police are very hot on those at the moment.

Sorry, it's just that I've got orders for another five.

Yeah, all right, I'll go and get them from vt. I can do that for you.

Yeah, look, joy, will you stop all this helpfulness, ok?

It's unnerving. What in god's name are you doing?

I'm dividing up the desk. I found your stapler in my half.

No, I will not get involved.

Excuse me, but your elbow is actually over the line.

No, I shall not stoop to her level. You see, this is ridiculous.

She's only put a line down the middle of...

Wait a minute.

That's not the middle, you've stolen some of my desk!

No, I haven't.

Yes, you have! You're as bad as they bloody Israelis.

Who's got a tape measure?! Even more on juvenile crime.

Oh, which reminds me, how's your daughter?

Well, some good news on those six cars by Deborah stole. Terrific.

Yes, the police are only counting it as one offence,

seeing as she drove away the transporter.

Only a pity she tried to do that handbrake turn.

You see, she's stolen one and three quarter inches!

Talk about petty! Look, I need every inch I can get.

Yes, that's what I've heard.

Excuse me, sir, who's in charge here?

No one, that's the bloody trouble! I am, officer,

and if it's about that parking ticket,

I was about to put it in the post...

No, son. I'm detective sergeant brown.

We'd like to speak to miss joy meriwether.

Oh. Might I ask what it's about? An incident, sir.

What sort of incident?

An incident involving a stabbing, sir.

A mr Nicholas beaumont is critically ill in hospital,

so if we might speak to her straightaway.

Oh, yes, um... she's over there.

May we use your office for the interview?

Yes, yes, of course. It's straight ahead.

Good grief! What are the police doing here?

I dunno. Um, they said something about...

Videos, was it? Oh, Jesus!

George, what's going on?

Well, it would appear that the married man

that joy was seeing has been... stabbed.

I can't imagine joy stabbing anyone, can you?

This little chat you had with her, George.

Now, what exactly did you say?

Well, I just said that she should resolve things one way...

Or another.

Well done, George. Good work. Terrific (!)

Let me know if you're going to have any more heart-to-hearts

with the staff and I'll arrange for an ambulance in advance!

I was only trying to be helpful. Share my experience.

I thought she'd get something out of it. She will, George.

Ten years in holloway! I gave them the Dell.

He's putting them in the incinerator straightaway. What?

George, have the police said anything about any videos?

The police are here to interview joy.

They're not here about any tapes.

Damien. You were asking for it.

You putrid piece of rat droppings.

Look, I told you - don't mess with the big boys.

You dirty, conniving bastard.

Look, I'm sorry, you're just not in my league.

You have all the scruples of mark Thatcher!

Oh, look, careful, you can go to far!

All right, all right, let's not have a confrontation overspill.

Let's keep this a peaceful workplace.

Now, any news on the stabbing? You mean joy stabbed somebody?!

Afraid so. Henry: Now listen, you lot.

I need witnesses or she'll renege on the agreement we've reached.

Yeah, actually, Henry, there are rather more...

George, you just come here!

Now...

You see? I have two foot three inches of desk.

And I have two foot three inches of desk.

And there is a three foot seven inch buffer zone,

which neither of us can enter.

This is a complete... Both: Shut up, George!

Now, all I ask in addition

is a further one foot six inch sandwich exclusion zone.

I never agreed! Helen: Hold it, hold it!

Now just stop all this and listen. They're coming out.

George: Joy! If you should need a lawyer.

I don't need a lawyer.

I just told Nick's wife about me and him, and when he got home -

the bitch stabbed him.

Now, look, I've gotta get to hospital. He needs me.

You see? It wasn't down to me. I didn't cause joy to stab him.

No, you caused his wife to stab him!

Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Oh-oh, one moment.

It's... it's for you.

It's an invitation to a charity gala at Buckingham Palace.

Oh, well... but it's in my half.

Don't be silly, Henry. Uh-uh! Uh-uh!

Beg.

It's, uh, just been a bit delicate on the publicity front.

Now, I'm sure I can't teach the police anything

when it comes to keeping embarrassing situations quiet...

Oh, thank you, sir.

Was is your commanding officer? Chopper, isn't it?

I, um... I see him quite a lot at the old...

You know, the...

Then give him a trowel for me, sir. We're just going to do our job.

Terry, have you seen this? Ah, yes. That-that's mine.

I'm Damien day. You probably recognise me.

Actually, I go out on quite a few raids with psycho...

Chief inspector Smith, of the serious crime squad.

Yes, we're quite close mates.

Is there anyone here who isn't pals with a policeman?

Damien laughs

yeah, actually, I got that in yugoslavia.

I just picked it up off some body. Somebody! Um...

It was strictly for a report, and it got shipped over with our gear.

I mean, it was just a one-off error. All right, all right.

Well, strictly speaking, shouldn't we...?

I know, but he is a reporter and we can forget about one gun.

Um, what about these other 17?

More rumblings on Smith being anonymous.

Smith?

The labour leader. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I'll look into it.

Now, this economic report needs better visuals.

What's a good graphic to represent the current economic direction?

Toilet?

Oh, I can't believe it.

After all that, and he still won't promise to leave her.

Well, maybe he'll change his mind.

I doubt it. He still said no even when I turned off his drip.

By the way, Damien left a message for you.

He said as soon as the police let him go, you're dead meat.

Sally is totally obdurate about this damn desk dispute. Me?

You're the one being unreasonable! Oh, don't be so absurd.

Anyway, it's high time the whole thing was resolved. It has been.

This... is ridiculous.

We want our desk back now.

Do you seriously expect me to sit at one of those?

Besides, her inkwell is bigger than mine.

Gus: Helen, if I can just park in your mental multi-storey a moment.

Juvenile crime.

Now, let's have pictures which focus on the social chaos.

You know, rioting mobs, vandals stoning police vehicles...

Anything that reflects the scandalous increase

in teenage violence.

Helen: Which is actually going down, Gus.

All that's increasing is the hysteria.

Point taken, Helen. So, let's focus on that hysteria.

You know, rioting mobs, vandals attacking police vehicles...

Look, Gus, I don't think crime is the big story today.

It's all these jobs being axed.

Ah, yes, the sad scourge of unemployment...

Which is damaging our social fabric. Quite.

Resulting in rioting mobs, vandals stoning police vehicles...

Yes, I think you've found the right angle there, Helen.

Hm, well done.

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