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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,720 --> 00:00:02,719 And now, drop the dead donkey. 2 00:00:02,720 --> 00:00:06,079 This episode was first shown in February '93, 3 00:00:06,080 --> 00:00:08,919 in a week where the yugoslavian crisis intensified, 4 00:00:08,920 --> 00:00:11,479 Mike Tyson contested his rape conviction, 5 00:00:11,480 --> 00:00:15,600 and sellafield admitted to an embarrassing radiation leak. 6 00:00:50,680 --> 00:00:53,359 And that is the news this Friday lunchtime. 7 00:00:53,360 --> 00:00:54,960 We'll be back at six. 8 00:00:59,200 --> 00:01:01,279 She's very good, that new girl. 9 00:01:01,280 --> 00:01:02,719 Yes, very good. 10 00:01:02,720 --> 00:01:05,519 Well, I suppose we ought to be looking ahead a bit. 11 00:01:05,520 --> 00:01:08,999 That was fantastic, Jill. Didn't she do well, everybody? 12 00:01:09,000 --> 00:01:11,559 Yes, Jill, you were marvellous. Terrific. 13 00:01:11,560 --> 00:01:13,039 Played a blinder, Jill. 14 00:01:13,040 --> 00:01:15,359 Yes, well done, Jill. 15 00:01:15,360 --> 00:01:18,920 She did really well, didn't she, Sally? Really, really well. 16 00:01:20,000 --> 00:01:22,719 I just said she did well, Henry. 17 00:01:22,720 --> 00:01:25,159 Well, for this evening's bulletin, I think we'll lead 18 00:01:25,160 --> 00:01:27,799 with how yugoslavian peace talks have broken down again. 19 00:01:27,800 --> 00:01:29,279 It's all so depressing. 20 00:01:29,280 --> 00:01:32,159 This suffering is just gonna drag on and on. 21 00:01:32,160 --> 00:01:33,279 For how many more weeks 22 00:01:33,280 --> 00:01:35,919 am I gonna have to say slobodan milosevic?! 23 00:01:35,920 --> 00:01:37,719 And alija izetbegovic. 24 00:01:37,720 --> 00:01:40,759 And flobadob dob. And custard sandwich! 25 00:01:40,760 --> 00:01:44,319 My tongue'll end up in a bloody truss! 26 00:01:44,320 --> 00:01:47,039 The war's a very complicated story, isn't it? 27 00:01:47,040 --> 00:01:50,559 I'll talk you through it later, Jill. 28 00:01:50,560 --> 00:01:53,199 That's a bit rich, coming from someone who thought a croat 29 00:01:53,200 --> 00:01:55,319 was something you put your salt and pepper in. 30 00:01:55,320 --> 00:01:58,239 Yes, all right, all right. 31 00:01:58,240 --> 00:02:01,480 Dave, could you step through into my office for a moment? 32 00:02:03,080 --> 00:02:06,559 Still, looking ahead, word is sellafield are about to admit 33 00:02:06,560 --> 00:02:09,879 that one of their reactors has omitted a serious leak. 34 00:02:09,880 --> 00:02:11,159 Not another one! 35 00:02:11,160 --> 00:02:14,199 I reckon the only place in cumbria you're safe from radiation 36 00:02:14,200 --> 00:02:16,039 is inside the bloody power station. 37 00:02:16,040 --> 00:02:19,239 The government says it might prosecute. And pigs might fly. 38 00:02:19,240 --> 00:02:22,679 Well, around sellafield, they probably do. 39 00:02:22,680 --> 00:02:23,959 Ah, Dave. 40 00:02:23,960 --> 00:02:26,319 George, this isn't about how to ask Helen out again, is it? 41 00:02:26,320 --> 00:02:28,879 Sort of. 42 00:02:28,880 --> 00:02:31,639 Dave, I went shopping this morning, 43 00:02:31,640 --> 00:02:33,119 can I ask you, 44 00:02:33,120 --> 00:02:36,080 which of these two cardigans do you think suits me best? 45 00:02:40,840 --> 00:02:42,520 Which do you prefer? 46 00:02:46,440 --> 00:02:49,199 Well, they're both extraordinary, George. 47 00:02:49,200 --> 00:02:51,679 Thanks. So... er... 48 00:02:51,680 --> 00:02:53,799 It's impossible to choose between them. 49 00:02:53,800 --> 00:02:56,799 Ah, collecting for a jumble sale, George? 50 00:02:56,800 --> 00:02:59,599 That's what I like to see, a caring workplace. 51 00:02:59,600 --> 00:03:01,839 Can I borrow you? 52 00:03:01,840 --> 00:03:04,079 I need you to sign this letter to the Muslim council, 53 00:03:04,080 --> 00:03:07,720 apologising for Henry's pronunciation of the word Shiite. 54 00:03:09,400 --> 00:03:12,919 We don't want to get into any fatwa situations. 55 00:03:12,920 --> 00:03:15,799 And finally, can I remind everyone once again 56 00:03:15,800 --> 00:03:18,279 that we are a "no smoking" office. 57 00:03:18,280 --> 00:03:21,399 And that includes the toilets, the stationery cupboard, 58 00:03:21,400 --> 00:03:23,279 and the ventilator shaft, 59 00:03:23,280 --> 00:03:25,759 where two smokers got stuck yesterday. 60 00:03:25,760 --> 00:03:28,639 We're just not safety-conscious enough as a company. 61 00:03:28,640 --> 00:03:32,079 Remember, accidents can happen very easily. 62 00:03:32,080 --> 00:03:33,879 Absolutely. I mean, yesterday, 63 00:03:33,880 --> 00:03:37,159 my make-up lady accidentally stabbed me with a safety pin. 64 00:03:37,160 --> 00:03:40,519 Three times! 65 00:03:40,520 --> 00:03:43,039 Yes, well, while we're on the safety subject, 66 00:03:43,040 --> 00:03:46,719 can I remind all of you that there will be another fire drill tomorrow. 67 00:03:46,720 --> 00:03:47,879 Groaning 68 00:03:47,880 --> 00:03:50,880 and we will keep on having drills until we do them properly. 69 00:03:52,280 --> 00:03:54,439 So, Jill, are you doing anything tonight? 70 00:03:54,440 --> 00:03:56,599 Yes, she's coming out with me. 71 00:03:56,600 --> 00:03:59,039 Ah... how about tomorrow night? 72 00:03:59,040 --> 00:04:01,359 Haven't you got some routine paperwork 73 00:04:01,360 --> 00:04:03,519 you should be getting on with, Dave? 74 00:04:03,520 --> 00:04:06,599 No. Haven't you got some overpaid posturing 75 00:04:06,600 --> 00:04:08,639 you could be getting on with? 76 00:04:08,640 --> 00:04:11,239 All right, you two, unlock those antlers! 77 00:04:11,240 --> 00:04:14,119 Jill, perhaps you'd like to run through this agency stuff 78 00:04:14,120 --> 00:04:15,679 with George. Sure. 79 00:04:15,680 --> 00:04:17,159 Stay off my patch, junior. 80 00:04:17,160 --> 00:04:20,120 Oh, go and Polish your zimmer frame! Honestly! 81 00:04:21,920 --> 00:04:23,959 Pathetic, isn't it? 82 00:04:23,960 --> 00:04:25,559 Just because she's young. 83 00:04:25,560 --> 00:04:28,519 We live in a youth-obsessed culture, that's the trouble. 84 00:04:28,520 --> 00:04:32,359 Once a woman hits 30, she's considered professional dog meat. 85 00:04:32,360 --> 00:04:34,759 But if you're a man, you can have bits falling off you, 86 00:04:34,760 --> 00:04:37,999 hair sprouting out of your nostrils, dribble running down your chin... 87 00:04:38,000 --> 00:04:40,039 And yet, you're still mature. 88 00:04:40,040 --> 00:04:41,639 It's pitiful. 89 00:04:41,640 --> 00:04:43,079 I agree. 90 00:04:43,080 --> 00:04:45,359 I'm sorry? 91 00:04:45,360 --> 00:04:46,759 I said I agree. 92 00:04:46,760 --> 00:04:48,199 Oh, right. 93 00:04:48,200 --> 00:04:51,799 It's just, I'm not used to people agreeing with me. 94 00:04:51,800 --> 00:04:53,599 Have you seen the gossip page? 95 00:04:53,600 --> 00:04:58,119 Dr death has done this totally unfair hatchet job on selina Scott. 96 00:04:58,120 --> 00:05:00,519 I'll have it blown up and put on the notice board. 97 00:05:00,520 --> 00:05:02,239 Serves her right, the old cow's past it. 98 00:05:02,240 --> 00:05:03,879 Damien! 99 00:05:03,880 --> 00:05:05,199 What?! 100 00:05:05,200 --> 00:05:07,960 Well, it's true. I mean, she must be at least 40! 101 00:05:10,720 --> 00:05:12,199 Well, tomorrow's big story 102 00:05:12,200 --> 00:05:14,680 will obviously be the unemployment figures, and... 103 00:05:16,880 --> 00:05:18,679 George? 104 00:05:18,680 --> 00:05:20,360 Are you all right? 105 00:05:21,360 --> 00:05:23,999 I'm sorry, Jill. 106 00:05:24,000 --> 00:05:26,159 A bit on my mind. 107 00:05:26,160 --> 00:05:29,679 My divorce is turning a bit ugly. 108 00:05:29,680 --> 00:05:32,399 Having to divide up all the belongings. 109 00:05:32,400 --> 00:05:36,839 She gets all the furniture, and I get... the glassware. 110 00:05:36,840 --> 00:05:38,879 Margaret brought it round yesterday. 111 00:05:38,880 --> 00:05:40,839 Oh, right. 112 00:05:40,840 --> 00:05:43,000 She shoved it all through the letterbox. 113 00:05:44,600 --> 00:05:47,399 And my daughter's being a bit of a worry at the moment. 114 00:05:47,400 --> 00:05:50,359 Well, you know what 15-year-old girls are like. 115 00:05:50,360 --> 00:05:53,399 Going out with boys, staying out late... 116 00:05:53,400 --> 00:05:55,920 Setting fire to panda cars. 117 00:05:57,240 --> 00:05:59,879 And my doctor's not being at all sympathetic 118 00:05:59,880 --> 00:06:02,440 about my mystery intestinal arrhythmia. 119 00:06:04,240 --> 00:06:06,919 And the insurance company's still refusing to pay out 120 00:06:06,920 --> 00:06:09,119 for the time when that chap from the dry ski slope 121 00:06:09,120 --> 00:06:10,600 came through my windscreen. 122 00:06:14,360 --> 00:06:16,999 Still, you've got to look on the bright side. 123 00:06:17,000 --> 00:06:18,519 Do you...? 124 00:06:18,520 --> 00:06:22,199 Do you think that Helen would ever contemplate going out with me? 125 00:06:22,200 --> 00:06:24,919 Well, there's only one way to find out, George. 126 00:06:24,920 --> 00:06:27,439 Yeah, I know, Dave said that. 127 00:06:27,440 --> 00:06:30,679 But women just don't seem to find me dishy. 128 00:06:30,680 --> 00:06:34,360 Oh, George, that's not true! You're very... 129 00:06:37,480 --> 00:06:41,719 Why don't you ask her out? What have you got to lose? 130 00:06:41,720 --> 00:06:43,959 You know, you're right. 131 00:06:43,960 --> 00:06:49,160 I'm 42. I can't go on letting life pass me by like this! 132 00:06:51,200 --> 00:06:53,039 Helen. Mm-hm? 133 00:06:53,040 --> 00:06:56,159 Helen, I've got something very important to ask you. 134 00:06:56,160 --> 00:06:57,879 All right. Fire away. 135 00:06:57,880 --> 00:07:00,079 I was wondering if... 136 00:07:00,080 --> 00:07:01,800 If you... 137 00:07:03,520 --> 00:07:06,600 ..Felt we were covering the Bosnia story properly. 138 00:07:07,760 --> 00:07:10,399 Well, we're devoting three minutes to it. 139 00:07:10,400 --> 00:07:12,639 Ah, good, good. Excellent. 140 00:07:12,640 --> 00:07:14,399 Was that it? 141 00:07:14,400 --> 00:07:16,360 Erm... 142 00:07:17,480 --> 00:07:19,200 Yes, that was it. 143 00:07:20,600 --> 00:07:23,679 So, Jill, how about this weekend? 144 00:07:23,680 --> 00:07:25,799 Oh, I'm sorry, Dave, not this weekend. 145 00:07:25,800 --> 00:07:27,559 I'm visiting friends in the mendips. 146 00:07:27,560 --> 00:07:29,679 Oh, I'm down that way this weekend. 147 00:07:29,680 --> 00:07:31,279 Potholing. 148 00:07:31,280 --> 00:07:32,919 Potholing?! 149 00:07:32,920 --> 00:07:34,159 That sounds interesting. 150 00:07:34,160 --> 00:07:35,800 It does, doesn't it? 151 00:07:39,840 --> 00:07:42,799 I've always wanted to try that. I'm really into activity sports. 152 00:07:42,800 --> 00:07:45,279 You know, parachuting, diving, that sort of stuff. 153 00:07:45,280 --> 00:07:48,559 Yeah, me, too. Damien laughs 154 00:07:48,560 --> 00:07:50,279 who said that?! 155 00:07:50,280 --> 00:07:52,559 I mean, surely not Dave charnley, 156 00:07:52,560 --> 00:07:54,920 the king Edward among couch potatoes. 157 00:07:56,840 --> 00:07:59,159 Listen, I can be sporty, ok. 158 00:07:59,160 --> 00:08:02,239 You take no exercise whatsoever! I do! 159 00:08:02,240 --> 00:08:03,559 I run. 160 00:08:03,560 --> 00:08:05,320 Only from husbands. 161 00:08:07,520 --> 00:08:10,759 All right, then, hunky, why don't you come potholing with me? 162 00:08:10,760 --> 00:08:14,479 Erm... no, no, no, I can't this weekend. I'm busy. 163 00:08:14,480 --> 00:08:16,519 Oh, right. 164 00:08:16,520 --> 00:08:18,959 Just as well, really. 165 00:08:18,960 --> 00:08:20,439 What's that supposed to mean? 166 00:08:20,440 --> 00:08:24,519 Well, let's face it, you don't have the necessary mental toughness, 167 00:08:24,520 --> 00:08:27,519 and of course, physically, you're just the wrong side of 30. 168 00:08:27,520 --> 00:08:29,519 Past it, basically. 169 00:08:29,520 --> 00:08:31,439 All right, I'll come. 170 00:08:31,440 --> 00:08:32,839 Good for you. 171 00:08:32,840 --> 00:08:34,639 I think you should enjoy it, Dave. 172 00:08:34,640 --> 00:08:38,800 Poking around dark, damp places, should be right up your street. 173 00:08:41,200 --> 00:08:42,879 Bye. And thanks for that joke 174 00:08:42,880 --> 00:08:45,599 about John gummer and the threshing machine. 175 00:08:45,600 --> 00:08:47,799 Yeah, yeah. See ya. 176 00:08:47,800 --> 00:08:49,440 Morning, tightarse. 177 00:08:51,160 --> 00:08:53,120 Morning, methuselah. 178 00:08:54,360 --> 00:08:58,119 What's this? New schedules for this week. From Gus. 179 00:08:58,120 --> 00:09:01,919 Why has Jill replaced me on three of the bulletins? 180 00:09:01,920 --> 00:09:04,399 You can't fight the march of time, my dear. 181 00:09:04,400 --> 00:09:06,439 Face facts, this time next year, 182 00:09:06,440 --> 00:09:10,359 you'll just be an obscure answer in some TV nostalgia quiz. 183 00:09:10,360 --> 00:09:13,880 Someone people confuse with jan leeming. 184 00:09:15,360 --> 00:09:17,159 What's so funny? 185 00:09:17,160 --> 00:09:21,399 Oh, the admirable Jill is replacing Sally on three bulletins this week. 186 00:09:21,400 --> 00:09:23,959 And replacing you on five. 187 00:09:23,960 --> 00:09:26,279 What?! 188 00:09:26,280 --> 00:09:27,719 Well, I'm not standing for this! 189 00:09:27,720 --> 00:09:30,759 Good grief, look, this talentless whippersnapper 190 00:09:30,760 --> 00:09:33,559 is doing a whole bulletin solo! Where's Gus? 191 00:09:33,560 --> 00:09:38,199 I think he's in an anal interface with a toilet seat situation. 192 00:09:38,200 --> 00:09:41,559 Right. Gus! 193 00:09:41,560 --> 00:09:43,959 Sorry I'm late. 194 00:09:43,960 --> 00:09:46,639 Suspicious-looking object on the platform at Victoria. 195 00:09:46,640 --> 00:09:49,840 Turned out to be a very small dosser, apparently. 196 00:09:51,400 --> 00:09:53,599 Good weekend? Yes, thanks. 197 00:09:53,600 --> 00:09:55,719 Get any valentines? 198 00:09:55,720 --> 00:09:57,359 Well, yes, I did, actually. 199 00:09:57,360 --> 00:10:01,799 It was a big pink card with a puppy on with huge soppy brown eyes. 200 00:10:01,800 --> 00:10:05,440 Oh. I wonder who could have sent you that. 201 00:10:06,680 --> 00:10:09,439 For goodness sake, Henry, there's a time and a place! 202 00:10:09,440 --> 00:10:11,559 You shouldn't burst in on people like that. 203 00:10:11,560 --> 00:10:13,919 Why have I been dropped from five bulletins this week? 204 00:10:13,920 --> 00:10:16,399 Henry, there's nothing to worry about. 205 00:10:16,400 --> 00:10:17,999 We're merely running our bulletin 206 00:10:18,000 --> 00:10:20,119 through the cappuccino machine of innovation 207 00:10:20,120 --> 00:10:21,880 to see if it comes out frothy. 208 00:10:24,400 --> 00:10:26,599 He's saying I'm past it, isn't he? 209 00:10:26,600 --> 00:10:29,959 Right, well, you think I'm past it, do you, Gus?! 210 00:10:29,960 --> 00:10:31,359 Decrepit?! 211 00:10:31,360 --> 00:10:34,240 Well, there's one way to settle this... arm wrestling! 212 00:10:36,400 --> 00:10:40,319 Oh, dear. Henry's feeling insecure about his age again. 213 00:10:40,320 --> 00:10:43,519 The last time this happened, he applied for the London marathon, 214 00:10:43,520 --> 00:10:48,679 dehydrated, and collided with six Gurkhas inside a dinosaur costume. 215 00:10:48,680 --> 00:10:51,880 Dave and Damien should be here by now. Where the hell are they? 216 00:10:55,280 --> 00:10:57,080 So, is it always this much fun, then (?) 217 00:10:59,160 --> 00:11:01,199 Look, I'm sorry, ok? 218 00:11:01,200 --> 00:11:03,639 Well, I didn't know we were gonna get trapped. 219 00:11:03,640 --> 00:11:06,079 Must have been raining very hard up top. 220 00:11:06,080 --> 00:11:08,639 Get away (!) 221 00:11:08,640 --> 00:11:12,479 Jesus Christ, why on earth did I agree to come with you? 222 00:11:12,480 --> 00:11:15,359 You agreed because you were worried about growing old. 223 00:11:15,360 --> 00:11:16,679 Yeah, well, that doesn't look 224 00:11:16,680 --> 00:11:18,839 like it's gonna be much of a problem now, does it? 225 00:11:18,840 --> 00:11:21,839 Oh, god, what a stupid way to die. 226 00:11:21,840 --> 00:11:24,320 We'll be all right. You'll see. 227 00:11:25,640 --> 00:11:28,000 Try not to dwell on the situation. 228 00:11:29,120 --> 00:11:30,880 Think about something else. 229 00:11:32,320 --> 00:11:35,879 Think about something else?! Yeah! 230 00:11:35,880 --> 00:11:37,560 What do you suggest? 231 00:11:41,880 --> 00:11:46,319 I spy... with my little eye... 232 00:11:46,320 --> 00:11:49,679 Something beginning with... w. 233 00:11:49,680 --> 00:11:51,720 Water. Yep. Your go. 234 00:11:53,720 --> 00:11:57,999 Henry, for the last time, this is not about age! 235 00:11:58,000 --> 00:12:01,839 And stop doing those press-ups. You're not proving anything! 236 00:12:01,840 --> 00:12:03,679 So sorry I'm late, everyone. 237 00:12:03,680 --> 00:12:05,679 The garage didn't have my car ready. 238 00:12:05,680 --> 00:12:07,359 Oh, dear, what's wrong with it? 239 00:12:07,360 --> 00:12:09,119 Well, it's the strangest thing, 240 00:12:09,120 --> 00:12:12,199 but on Friday night, when I got down to the car park, 241 00:12:12,200 --> 00:12:14,879 someone had scratched the word "bitch" on the bonnet. 242 00:12:14,880 --> 00:12:16,600 Oh, dear! 243 00:12:17,840 --> 00:12:20,320 We live in lawless times! 244 00:12:22,680 --> 00:12:24,999 What's the photo of Peter lilley doing up there? 245 00:12:25,000 --> 00:12:28,439 He's the winner of our "slimy git of the week" competition. 246 00:12:28,440 --> 00:12:31,200 Peter lilley's not that slimy, though, is he? 247 00:12:34,280 --> 00:12:36,840 Sorry. Don't know why I said that. 248 00:12:38,240 --> 00:12:41,399 Jill, could you come for a brief scuba in my think tank? 249 00:12:41,400 --> 00:12:44,719 Only, I've done a bit of... 250 00:12:44,720 --> 00:12:46,639 Done a bit of schedule rejiggery. 251 00:12:46,640 --> 00:12:48,080 Right, just coming. 252 00:12:49,200 --> 00:12:50,919 George. 253 00:12:50,920 --> 00:12:52,920 Have you, erm... you know. 254 00:12:56,440 --> 00:12:57,480 Jill whispers: Go on! 255 00:13:01,720 --> 00:13:05,320 George, the doctor rang about your urine sample. 256 00:13:07,760 --> 00:13:10,040 And? He doesn't want it. 257 00:13:15,360 --> 00:13:18,639 Well, Henry, I get the distinct impression 258 00:13:18,640 --> 00:13:21,799 that you and I are being supplanted by young Jill. 259 00:13:21,800 --> 00:13:23,239 Yes. 260 00:13:23,240 --> 00:13:25,119 Well, she is very good. Yes. 261 00:13:25,120 --> 00:13:27,039 And very bright. Yes. 262 00:13:27,040 --> 00:13:29,879 But very young. Yes. 263 00:13:29,880 --> 00:13:33,999 And there is only one of her, and two of us. 264 00:13:34,000 --> 00:13:36,200 If you get my drift? 265 00:13:39,800 --> 00:13:41,559 Well, Michael bloody fish 266 00:13:41,560 --> 00:13:45,079 never saw this on his bloody satellite photo, did he? 267 00:13:45,080 --> 00:13:47,119 Try and keep calm, will you? 268 00:13:47,120 --> 00:13:49,039 We only have a limited amount of air. 269 00:13:49,040 --> 00:13:52,919 And I'm only using up my half, ok?! 270 00:13:52,920 --> 00:13:55,959 Do you think there's an afterlife? No! 271 00:13:55,960 --> 00:13:58,479 So, this is it, then? 272 00:13:58,480 --> 00:14:00,839 What am I gonna leave behind me, eh? 273 00:14:00,840 --> 00:14:03,759 Still, I don't think I've got any real regrets. 274 00:14:03,760 --> 00:14:06,879 Apart from backing England to win the last world cup. 275 00:14:06,880 --> 00:14:08,279 Bloody waddle. 276 00:14:08,280 --> 00:14:10,319 Damien blubbers underwater 277 00:14:10,320 --> 00:14:12,399 I wonder what people will say about me. 278 00:14:12,400 --> 00:14:14,199 I wonder what they'll put on my grave. 279 00:14:14,200 --> 00:14:16,400 A dancefloor! Now shut up! 280 00:14:19,560 --> 00:14:21,839 We should never have blasted... 281 00:14:21,840 --> 00:14:23,999 Oh, shut up, shut up! 282 00:14:24,000 --> 00:14:25,799 You're terrified, aren't you? 283 00:14:25,800 --> 00:14:27,639 Nervously: Ha-ha! I'm not terrified! 284 00:14:27,640 --> 00:14:30,279 It's not me who's jabbering on about an afterlife. 285 00:14:30,280 --> 00:14:33,199 No, I can cope with the thought of being hurtled into oblivion. 286 00:14:33,200 --> 00:14:35,239 I've faced death thousands of times. 287 00:14:35,240 --> 00:14:38,239 No, it's you, you're cracking up! You're going to pieces. 288 00:14:38,240 --> 00:14:40,279 I mean, what's the matter with you? 289 00:14:40,280 --> 00:14:44,079 Sobbing: Why don't you just pull yourself together? 290 00:14:44,080 --> 00:14:47,319 Now it's your turn. 291 00:14:47,320 --> 00:14:49,159 The queen said, sir royston, arise. 292 00:14:49,160 --> 00:14:51,559 Good lord, take a look at those thighs. 293 00:14:51,560 --> 00:14:54,279 He can't move, the fat slob. I think it's a job 294 00:14:54,280 --> 00:14:56,519 for a crane, with a man of that size. 295 00:14:56,520 --> 00:14:57,839 What are you doing? 296 00:14:57,840 --> 00:14:59,919 We started up an office limerick competition. 297 00:14:59,920 --> 00:15:03,079 The person who comes up with the most offensively-amusing ditty 298 00:15:03,080 --> 00:15:05,839 about our beloved proprietor sir royston 299 00:15:05,840 --> 00:15:08,239 wins a bottle of the finest moet & chandon. 300 00:15:08,240 --> 00:15:09,879 Oh, great. That sounds like fun. 301 00:15:09,880 --> 00:15:12,879 Well, I've got one. Good. 302 00:15:12,880 --> 00:15:18,559 Sir royston's a horrible bastard, I hate him, the big ugly bastard. 303 00:15:18,560 --> 00:15:21,319 I'd like to shoot him, then smash his head in, 304 00:15:21,320 --> 00:15:24,720 cos he's a bastard, the stupid fat bastard. 305 00:15:27,400 --> 00:15:30,919 Yes. Yes, yes, a little weak on scansion, maybe, 306 00:15:30,920 --> 00:15:33,719 but it's got a certain primal energy. 307 00:15:33,720 --> 00:15:35,999 The deadline is the end of the day. 308 00:15:36,000 --> 00:15:38,439 Well, congratulations, everyone, 309 00:15:38,440 --> 00:15:40,839 a marginal improvement on this morning's fire drill. 310 00:15:40,840 --> 00:15:43,599 Some of you actually moved this time. So only half of you are dead. 311 00:15:43,600 --> 00:15:46,759 Although, in most cases, that won't affect the standard of your work. 312 00:15:46,760 --> 00:15:49,359 We'll do it all again tomorrow. 313 00:15:49,360 --> 00:15:50,720 Groaning 314 00:15:52,120 --> 00:15:53,919 yugoslavia's warming up. 315 00:15:53,920 --> 00:15:56,719 What do you think, move it up to second item? 316 00:15:56,720 --> 00:16:00,559 Yes, second item sounds about right, I think. 317 00:16:00,560 --> 00:16:03,119 And what's more, I think you're wonderful and smashing, 318 00:16:03,120 --> 00:16:05,159 and I think I'm falling in love with you, 319 00:16:05,160 --> 00:16:07,560 and would you contemplate coming out with me? 320 00:16:12,280 --> 00:16:13,840 Ooh, George. 321 00:16:15,480 --> 00:16:17,799 Well, that's very flattering. 322 00:16:17,800 --> 00:16:20,079 You're gonna say no, aren't you? 323 00:16:20,080 --> 00:16:22,319 Oh, I am very flattered, 324 00:16:22,320 --> 00:16:24,359 and I do like you, 325 00:16:24,360 --> 00:16:26,400 I like you a lot... 326 00:16:27,600 --> 00:16:29,800 It's just, there already is someone. 327 00:16:31,520 --> 00:16:33,240 Oh, I see. 328 00:16:34,680 --> 00:16:36,959 Right, well... 329 00:16:36,960 --> 00:16:39,120 He's a very lucky man. 330 00:16:43,040 --> 00:16:45,080 It isn't a man. 331 00:16:49,560 --> 00:16:51,520 Oh, I see. 332 00:16:53,320 --> 00:16:55,639 You're a... a... 333 00:16:55,640 --> 00:16:59,079 Lesbian. That's right. 334 00:16:59,080 --> 00:17:01,879 Needless to say, I'm telling you this in total confidence. 335 00:17:01,880 --> 00:17:05,319 Oh, yes, right, I see. 336 00:17:05,320 --> 00:17:08,079 I had no idea. 337 00:17:08,080 --> 00:17:10,959 Well, obviously I change out of my dungarees and shave off my beard 338 00:17:10,960 --> 00:17:13,960 before I come into work each morning (!) 339 00:17:16,280 --> 00:17:18,239 But you were married. 340 00:17:18,240 --> 00:17:19,799 Yes. 341 00:17:19,800 --> 00:17:22,399 To a man. 342 00:17:22,400 --> 00:17:25,519 Oh, hang on. I get it. 343 00:17:25,520 --> 00:17:27,799 You're just trying to spare my feelings. 344 00:17:27,800 --> 00:17:30,279 You're just pretending to be a... lesbian. 345 00:17:30,280 --> 00:17:32,079 ..So that I don't feel rejected. 346 00:17:32,080 --> 00:17:33,639 George, look, it's not you. 347 00:17:33,640 --> 00:17:35,479 It's got nothing to do with you. 348 00:17:35,480 --> 00:17:38,959 It's me. It's a fact, I prefer women. 349 00:17:38,960 --> 00:17:40,759 How do I convince you? 350 00:17:40,760 --> 00:17:43,839 Throw Sally to the ground and stick my tongue down her throat? 351 00:17:43,840 --> 00:17:46,479 That won't be necessary, thank you, Helen. 352 00:17:46,480 --> 00:17:47,759 George. 353 00:17:47,760 --> 00:17:49,519 No, look, it's all right, Helen. 354 00:17:49,520 --> 00:17:52,439 No need to patronise me by trying to let me down lightly. 355 00:17:52,440 --> 00:17:54,359 I know that I am abhorrent to women, 356 00:17:54,360 --> 00:17:57,679 and that I have no hope, ever, of having a meaningful relationship. 357 00:17:57,680 --> 00:18:01,240 But don't worry, I shall just come to terms with it. 358 00:18:04,560 --> 00:18:07,719 Uh-oh. 359 00:18:07,720 --> 00:18:09,719 So, I turned to major Ron, and I said, 360 00:18:09,720 --> 00:18:13,879 "I wouldn't let her near my toes, she'd probably eat them." 361 00:18:13,880 --> 00:18:15,279 Oh, how we laughed. 362 00:18:15,280 --> 00:18:17,319 Oh, Jill, this is des, an old mate. 363 00:18:17,320 --> 00:18:18,919 Oh, pleased to meet you. 364 00:18:18,920 --> 00:18:22,119 Jill's the latest star in sir royston's firmament. 365 00:18:22,120 --> 00:18:24,759 Yes, we're all sir Roy's little toys. 366 00:18:24,760 --> 00:18:27,399 Oh, that reminds me, I've done my limerick. 367 00:18:27,400 --> 00:18:29,319 Oh, great. 368 00:18:29,320 --> 00:18:34,879 Sir royston's a powerful banker, who's built like a huge supertanker. 369 00:18:34,880 --> 00:18:37,759 Some say he's quite nice, but I've met him twice, 370 00:18:37,760 --> 00:18:40,439 and he's just an inadequate wanker. 371 00:18:40,440 --> 00:18:42,999 They laugh 372 00:18:43,000 --> 00:18:44,559 yes, that's very good. 373 00:18:44,560 --> 00:18:47,399 Brilliant. I must remember that one, Jill. 374 00:18:47,400 --> 00:18:49,879 Anyway, can't sit here jawing all day. 375 00:18:49,880 --> 00:18:53,119 Des, here are those Calcutta cup tickets. Enjoy it. See you. 376 00:18:53,120 --> 00:18:55,839 Very nice meeting you, Jill. Likewise. 377 00:18:55,840 --> 00:18:59,479 Well, he seems very nice. What does he do here? 378 00:18:59,480 --> 00:19:01,319 Oh, he doesn't work here. 379 00:19:01,320 --> 00:19:03,560 He's a gossip columnist from the street of shame. 380 00:19:05,920 --> 00:19:09,839 Erm... a gossip communist? 381 00:19:09,840 --> 00:19:13,760 Yes. Quite a good one. His nickname is dr death. 382 00:19:14,880 --> 00:19:18,519 But... but he just heard my limerick about sir royston. 383 00:19:18,520 --> 00:19:20,039 What if he prints it? 384 00:19:20,040 --> 00:19:22,879 Oh, good lord, I never thought of that! 385 00:19:22,880 --> 00:19:25,319 Maybe I should ring him to make it absolutely clear 386 00:19:25,320 --> 00:19:26,639 that it was off the record. 387 00:19:26,640 --> 00:19:29,919 Good idea. I'm sure that will work! Don't you think so, Henry? 388 00:19:29,920 --> 00:19:32,360 Oh, yes, of course. 389 00:19:37,840 --> 00:19:40,679 Helen, the us correspondents filed this. 390 00:19:40,680 --> 00:19:42,880 Looks like Mike Tyson's gonna lose his appeal. 391 00:19:43,880 --> 00:19:45,359 I wonder how he'll take that. 392 00:19:45,360 --> 00:19:47,160 Well, who's gonna tell him? 393 00:19:48,720 --> 00:19:51,079 By the way, a message from Dave and Damien, 394 00:19:51,080 --> 00:19:53,359 they'll be catching the train back this afternoon, 395 00:19:53,360 --> 00:19:56,079 as soon as the hospital's checked out Damien's trench foot. 396 00:19:56,080 --> 00:19:59,359 God, 24 hours trapped underground. 397 00:19:59,360 --> 00:20:01,159 Hard to imagine. 398 00:20:01,160 --> 00:20:03,280 Not if you use the northern line, it isn't. 399 00:20:04,960 --> 00:20:08,919 George, do you think we should send a full crew to cover sellafield? 400 00:20:08,920 --> 00:20:11,000 If you say so. 401 00:20:14,680 --> 00:20:16,959 George, what is going on? 402 00:20:16,960 --> 00:20:18,760 Sing-songy: Nothing. 403 00:20:21,520 --> 00:20:24,359 Right. Well, in that case... 404 00:20:24,360 --> 00:20:25,879 Except that I feel you made me 405 00:20:25,880 --> 00:20:28,079 make a bit of a fool of myself, that's all. 406 00:20:28,080 --> 00:20:31,799 You could have told me. That way, I would never have asked. 407 00:20:31,800 --> 00:20:33,599 I should have told you before you asked? 408 00:20:33,600 --> 00:20:37,279 Yes, that way I would have known before I found out. 409 00:20:37,280 --> 00:20:38,639 That makes perfect sense (!) 410 00:20:38,640 --> 00:20:40,999 Well, that makes perfect sense to me. 411 00:20:41,000 --> 00:20:43,360 Oh, can't we be professional?! 412 00:20:49,800 --> 00:20:51,560 Muffled yell 413 00:20:56,520 --> 00:20:58,719 I was wondering if we shouldn't do something 414 00:20:58,720 --> 00:20:59,759 on the prominent role 415 00:20:59,760 --> 00:21:02,199 that Hillary Clinton is taking on in Washington. 416 00:21:02,200 --> 00:21:05,319 Why not? She's a woman, isn't she? 417 00:21:05,320 --> 00:21:08,959 I think we should imply that she is far better qualified to be president 418 00:21:08,960 --> 00:21:13,920 than her husband, who is, after all, a potential rapist. 419 00:21:16,720 --> 00:21:20,119 Are you all right, Jill? You look a bit down. 420 00:21:20,120 --> 00:21:22,199 Have you seen this article? 421 00:21:22,200 --> 00:21:24,919 He's gone and printed the whole limerick. 422 00:21:24,920 --> 00:21:26,759 But didn't you phone him? 423 00:21:26,760 --> 00:21:31,159 Yes. He said he sympathised, but that he is a gossip columnist, 424 00:21:31,160 --> 00:21:34,759 and he couldn't possibly pass up a juicy story like this. 425 00:21:34,760 --> 00:21:36,559 What a cad! 426 00:21:36,560 --> 00:21:41,039 Anyway, I'm sure Gus will accept it was just a bit of fun. 427 00:21:41,040 --> 00:21:44,439 Oh, Gus, it was just a misunderstanding. 428 00:21:44,440 --> 00:21:46,720 Surely you can explain to sir royston! 429 00:21:48,720 --> 00:21:51,039 Of course I can. No problem. 430 00:21:51,040 --> 00:21:54,719 I'll simply say to him, "there's been a little misunderstanding, 431 00:21:54,720 --> 00:21:56,159 "and one of your employees 432 00:21:56,160 --> 00:21:58,799 "has publicly branded you an inadequate wanker." 433 00:21:58,800 --> 00:22:01,479 I tell you what, why don't you go and ring him yourself? 434 00:22:01,480 --> 00:22:03,840 Right now, eh? Clear the air. 435 00:22:07,000 --> 00:22:10,999 Joy, get a bin liner and clear Jill's desk. 436 00:22:11,000 --> 00:22:13,919 Yes! 437 00:22:13,920 --> 00:22:15,879 Are you all right, Henry? 438 00:22:15,880 --> 00:22:18,799 Oh, I'm extremely all right, George. Are you ok? 439 00:22:18,800 --> 00:22:22,000 You look gloomier than Leon brittan's blind date. 440 00:22:23,800 --> 00:22:25,479 Oh, I don't know, Henry. 441 00:22:25,480 --> 00:22:28,559 Why am I so bad at reading people? 442 00:22:28,560 --> 00:22:30,679 For years, I thought Robert Maxwell 443 00:22:30,680 --> 00:22:33,159 was just an egotistical philanthropist. 444 00:22:33,160 --> 00:22:37,440 And I had idi amin down as just high-spirited. 445 00:22:38,640 --> 00:22:41,799 And now I've got Helen wrong. 446 00:22:41,800 --> 00:22:44,199 And where the hell have you two been? 447 00:22:44,200 --> 00:22:46,519 You were supposed to be here yesterday afternoon. 448 00:22:46,520 --> 00:22:48,519 The hospital kept us back for observation. 449 00:22:48,520 --> 00:22:50,959 Then Damien started throwing up all over the place 450 00:22:50,960 --> 00:22:52,479 because he had delayed shock. 451 00:22:52,480 --> 00:22:54,519 Young people are such wimps these days! 452 00:22:54,520 --> 00:22:57,279 Look, we have been through hell, ok? 453 00:22:57,280 --> 00:23:00,639 We've spent the last 24 hours in almost total darkness, 454 00:23:00,640 --> 00:23:03,039 up to our noses in freezing water, 455 00:23:03,040 --> 00:23:07,039 three inches away from a slow and terrifying death! 456 00:23:07,040 --> 00:23:10,320 Well, just you wait until you hear what's been happening to me! 457 00:23:13,960 --> 00:23:15,239 I'm gonna kill him! 458 00:23:15,240 --> 00:23:16,759 No, you're not, no, you're not. 459 00:23:16,760 --> 00:23:19,719 We both are. Fire alarm 460 00:23:19,720 --> 00:23:22,999 right, everyone, leave the building in a brisk but orderly fashion. 461 00:23:23,000 --> 00:23:25,719 Hello, you two. Back from your little adventure? 462 00:23:25,720 --> 00:23:27,919 It was not a little adventure! 463 00:23:27,920 --> 00:23:29,919 I'll hear all about it when we get down there. 464 00:23:29,920 --> 00:23:31,919 Come along, everyone! Come along, George. 465 00:23:31,920 --> 00:23:34,199 Come on, let's do this properly for once. 466 00:23:34,200 --> 00:23:36,319 As Helen: Come along, George. 467 00:23:36,320 --> 00:23:40,240 Well, you're not pushing me around, little miss fire drill! 468 00:23:41,480 --> 00:23:43,119 Who does she think she is? 469 00:23:43,120 --> 00:23:46,639 Herding everyone around like some gestapo-trained sheepdog. 470 00:23:46,640 --> 00:23:49,279 Well, you can count me out! 471 00:23:49,280 --> 00:23:52,560 There's nobody pushing George dent around. 472 00:23:58,000 --> 00:24:00,639 Henry: Joy, I was just running our unemployment coverage 473 00:24:00,640 --> 00:24:03,159 through my blender, to see if it came out Fluffy. 474 00:24:03,160 --> 00:24:06,239 I was wondering, do we have to use the word unemployed? 475 00:24:06,240 --> 00:24:09,479 Perhaps we could say occupationally-challenged. 476 00:24:09,480 --> 00:24:11,639 Joy: Or we could say there's three million people 477 00:24:11,640 --> 00:24:14,279 with enhanced personal leisure potential. 478 00:24:14,280 --> 00:24:16,319 Let's not get jargon heavy. 479 00:24:16,320 --> 00:24:19,479 Now, joy, how about a coffee? Mine's a milk and two sugars. 480 00:24:19,480 --> 00:24:22,599 Joy, have you had a very good look at these unemployment figures? 481 00:24:22,600 --> 00:24:24,879 Have you thought what it would be like to experience 482 00:24:24,880 --> 00:24:28,119 the pointlessness of spending a whole day just doing nothing? 483 00:24:28,120 --> 00:24:29,359 Well, you seem to manage. 484 00:24:29,360 --> 00:24:31,360 Subtitles by accessibility@itv.Com 485 00:24:31,410 --> 00:24:35,960 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 37439

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