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And now, drop the dead donkey.
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00:00:02,720 --> 00:00:06,079
This episode was first
shown in February '93,
3
00:00:06,080 --> 00:00:08,919
in a week where the yugoslavian
crisis intensified,
4
00:00:08,920 --> 00:00:11,479
Mike Tyson contested
his rape conviction,
5
00:00:11,480 --> 00:00:15,600
and sellafield admitted to an
embarrassing radiation leak.
6
00:00:50,680 --> 00:00:53,359
And that is the news
this Friday lunchtime.
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00:00:53,360 --> 00:00:54,960
We'll be back at six.
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00:00:59,200 --> 00:01:01,279
She's very good, that new girl.
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00:01:01,280 --> 00:01:02,719
Yes, very good.
10
00:01:02,720 --> 00:01:05,519
Well, I suppose we ought
to be looking ahead a bit.
11
00:01:05,520 --> 00:01:08,999
That was fantastic, Jill.
Didn't she do well, everybody?
12
00:01:09,000 --> 00:01:11,559
Yes, Jill, you were marvellous.
Terrific.
13
00:01:11,560 --> 00:01:13,039
Played a blinder, Jill.
14
00:01:13,040 --> 00:01:15,359
Yes, well done, Jill.
15
00:01:15,360 --> 00:01:18,920
She did really well, didn't she, Sally?
Really, really well.
16
00:01:20,000 --> 00:01:22,719
I just said she did well, Henry.
17
00:01:22,720 --> 00:01:25,159
Well, for this evening's
bulletin, I think we'll lead
18
00:01:25,160 --> 00:01:27,799
with how yugoslavian peace
talks have broken down again.
19
00:01:27,800 --> 00:01:29,279
It's all so depressing.
20
00:01:29,280 --> 00:01:32,159
This suffering is just
gonna drag on and on.
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00:01:32,160 --> 00:01:33,279
For how many more weeks
22
00:01:33,280 --> 00:01:35,919
am I gonna have to say
slobodan milosevic?!
23
00:01:35,920 --> 00:01:37,719
And alija izetbegovic.
24
00:01:37,720 --> 00:01:40,759
And flobadob dob. And custard sandwich!
25
00:01:40,760 --> 00:01:44,319
My tongue'll end up in a bloody truss!
26
00:01:44,320 --> 00:01:47,039
The war's a very complicated
story, isn't it?
27
00:01:47,040 --> 00:01:50,559
I'll talk you through it later, Jill.
28
00:01:50,560 --> 00:01:53,199
That's a bit rich, coming from
someone who thought a croat
29
00:01:53,200 --> 00:01:55,319
was something you put
your salt and pepper in.
30
00:01:55,320 --> 00:01:58,239
Yes, all right, all right.
31
00:01:58,240 --> 00:02:01,480
Dave, could you step through
into my office for a moment?
32
00:02:03,080 --> 00:02:06,559
Still, looking ahead, word is
sellafield are about to admit
33
00:02:06,560 --> 00:02:09,879
that one of their reactors
has omitted a serious leak.
34
00:02:09,880 --> 00:02:11,159
Not another one!
35
00:02:11,160 --> 00:02:14,199
I reckon the only place in cumbria
you're safe from radiation
36
00:02:14,200 --> 00:02:16,039
is inside the bloody power station.
37
00:02:16,040 --> 00:02:19,239
The government says it might prosecute.
And pigs might fly.
38
00:02:19,240 --> 00:02:22,679
Well, around sellafield,
they probably do.
39
00:02:22,680 --> 00:02:23,959
Ah, Dave.
40
00:02:23,960 --> 00:02:26,319
George, this isn't about how
to ask Helen out again, is it?
41
00:02:26,320 --> 00:02:28,879
Sort of.
42
00:02:28,880 --> 00:02:31,639
Dave, I went shopping this morning,
43
00:02:31,640 --> 00:02:33,119
can I ask you,
44
00:02:33,120 --> 00:02:36,080
which of these two cardigans
do you think suits me best?
45
00:02:40,840 --> 00:02:42,520
Which do you prefer?
46
00:02:46,440 --> 00:02:49,199
Well, they're both
extraordinary, George.
47
00:02:49,200 --> 00:02:51,679
Thanks. So... er...
48
00:02:51,680 --> 00:02:53,799
It's impossible to choose between them.
49
00:02:53,800 --> 00:02:56,799
Ah, collecting for a
jumble sale, George?
50
00:02:56,800 --> 00:02:59,599
That's what I like to
see, a caring workplace.
51
00:02:59,600 --> 00:03:01,839
Can I borrow you?
52
00:03:01,840 --> 00:03:04,079
I need you to sign this
letter to the Muslim council,
53
00:03:04,080 --> 00:03:07,720
apologising for Henry's
pronunciation of the word Shiite.
54
00:03:09,400 --> 00:03:12,919
We don't want to get into
any fatwa situations.
55
00:03:12,920 --> 00:03:15,799
And finally, can I remind
everyone once again
56
00:03:15,800 --> 00:03:18,279
that we are a "no smoking" office.
57
00:03:18,280 --> 00:03:21,399
And that includes the toilets,
the stationery cupboard,
58
00:03:21,400 --> 00:03:23,279
and the ventilator shaft,
59
00:03:23,280 --> 00:03:25,759
where two smokers got stuck yesterday.
60
00:03:25,760 --> 00:03:28,639
We're just not safety-conscious
enough as a company.
61
00:03:28,640 --> 00:03:32,079
Remember, accidents can
happen very easily.
62
00:03:32,080 --> 00:03:33,879
Absolutely. I mean, yesterday,
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00:03:33,880 --> 00:03:37,159
my make-up lady accidentally
stabbed me with a safety pin.
64
00:03:37,160 --> 00:03:40,519
Three times!
65
00:03:40,520 --> 00:03:43,039
Yes, well, while we're
on the safety subject,
66
00:03:43,040 --> 00:03:46,719
can I remind all of you that there
will be another fire drill tomorrow.
67
00:03:46,720 --> 00:03:47,879
Groaning
68
00:03:47,880 --> 00:03:50,880
and we will keep on having drills
until we do them properly.
69
00:03:52,280 --> 00:03:54,439
So, Jill, are you doing
anything tonight?
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00:03:54,440 --> 00:03:56,599
Yes, she's coming out with me.
71
00:03:56,600 --> 00:03:59,039
Ah... how about tomorrow night?
72
00:03:59,040 --> 00:04:01,359
Haven't you got some routine paperwork
73
00:04:01,360 --> 00:04:03,519
you should be getting on with, Dave?
74
00:04:03,520 --> 00:04:06,599
No. Haven't you got
some overpaid posturing
75
00:04:06,600 --> 00:04:08,639
you could be getting on with?
76
00:04:08,640 --> 00:04:11,239
All right, you two,
unlock those antlers!
77
00:04:11,240 --> 00:04:14,119
Jill, perhaps you'd like to
run through this agency stuff
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00:04:14,120 --> 00:04:15,679
with George. Sure.
79
00:04:15,680 --> 00:04:17,159
Stay off my patch, junior.
80
00:04:17,160 --> 00:04:20,120
Oh, go and Polish your zimmer frame!
Honestly!
81
00:04:21,920 --> 00:04:23,959
Pathetic, isn't it?
82
00:04:23,960 --> 00:04:25,559
Just because she's young.
83
00:04:25,560 --> 00:04:28,519
We live in a youth-obsessed
culture, that's the trouble.
84
00:04:28,520 --> 00:04:32,359
Once a woman hits 30, she's
considered professional dog meat.
85
00:04:32,360 --> 00:04:34,759
But if you're a man, you can
have bits falling off you,
86
00:04:34,760 --> 00:04:37,999
hair sprouting out of your nostrils,
dribble running down your chin...
87
00:04:38,000 --> 00:04:40,039
And yet, you're still mature.
88
00:04:40,040 --> 00:04:41,639
It's pitiful.
89
00:04:41,640 --> 00:04:43,079
I agree.
90
00:04:43,080 --> 00:04:45,359
I'm sorry?
91
00:04:45,360 --> 00:04:46,759
I said I agree.
92
00:04:46,760 --> 00:04:48,199
Oh, right.
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00:04:48,200 --> 00:04:51,799
It's just, I'm not used to
people agreeing with me.
94
00:04:51,800 --> 00:04:53,599
Have you seen the gossip page?
95
00:04:53,600 --> 00:04:58,119
Dr death has done this totally
unfair hatchet job on selina Scott.
96
00:04:58,120 --> 00:05:00,519
I'll have it blown up and
put on the notice board.
97
00:05:00,520 --> 00:05:02,239
Serves her right, the
old cow's past it.
98
00:05:02,240 --> 00:05:03,879
Damien!
99
00:05:03,880 --> 00:05:05,199
What?!
100
00:05:05,200 --> 00:05:07,960
Well, it's true. I mean,
she must be at least 40!
101
00:05:10,720 --> 00:05:12,199
Well, tomorrow's big story
102
00:05:12,200 --> 00:05:14,680
will obviously be the
unemployment figures, and...
103
00:05:16,880 --> 00:05:18,679
George?
104
00:05:18,680 --> 00:05:20,360
Are you all right?
105
00:05:21,360 --> 00:05:23,999
I'm sorry, Jill.
106
00:05:24,000 --> 00:05:26,159
A bit on my mind.
107
00:05:26,160 --> 00:05:29,679
My divorce is turning a bit ugly.
108
00:05:29,680 --> 00:05:32,399
Having to divide up all the belongings.
109
00:05:32,400 --> 00:05:36,839
She gets all the furniture, and I get...
the glassware.
110
00:05:36,840 --> 00:05:38,879
Margaret brought it round yesterday.
111
00:05:38,880 --> 00:05:40,839
Oh, right.
112
00:05:40,840 --> 00:05:43,000
She shoved it all
through the letterbox.
113
00:05:44,600 --> 00:05:47,399
And my daughter's being a bit
of a worry at the moment.
114
00:05:47,400 --> 00:05:50,359
Well, you know what
15-year-old girls are like.
115
00:05:50,360 --> 00:05:53,399
Going out with boys,
staying out late...
116
00:05:53,400 --> 00:05:55,920
Setting fire to panda cars.
117
00:05:57,240 --> 00:05:59,879
And my doctor's not being
at all sympathetic
118
00:05:59,880 --> 00:06:02,440
about my mystery intestinal arrhythmia.
119
00:06:04,240 --> 00:06:06,919
And the insurance company's
still refusing to pay out
120
00:06:06,920 --> 00:06:09,119
for the time when that chap
from the dry ski slope
121
00:06:09,120 --> 00:06:10,600
came through my windscreen.
122
00:06:14,360 --> 00:06:16,999
Still, you've got to
look on the bright side.
123
00:06:17,000 --> 00:06:18,519
Do you...?
124
00:06:18,520 --> 00:06:22,199
Do you think that Helen would ever
contemplate going out with me?
125
00:06:22,200 --> 00:06:24,919
Well, there's only one
way to find out, George.
126
00:06:24,920 --> 00:06:27,439
Yeah, I know, Dave said that.
127
00:06:27,440 --> 00:06:30,679
But women just don't
seem to find me dishy.
128
00:06:30,680 --> 00:06:34,360
Oh, George, that's not true!
You're very...
129
00:06:37,480 --> 00:06:41,719
Why don't you ask her out?
What have you got to lose?
130
00:06:41,720 --> 00:06:43,959
You know, you're right.
131
00:06:43,960 --> 00:06:49,160
I'm 42. I can't go on letting
life pass me by like this!
132
00:06:51,200 --> 00:06:53,039
Helen. Mm-hm?
133
00:06:53,040 --> 00:06:56,159
Helen, I've got something
very important to ask you.
134
00:06:56,160 --> 00:06:57,879
All right. Fire away.
135
00:06:57,880 --> 00:07:00,079
I was wondering if...
136
00:07:00,080 --> 00:07:01,800
If you...
137
00:07:03,520 --> 00:07:06,600
..Felt we were covering the
Bosnia story properly.
138
00:07:07,760 --> 00:07:10,399
Well, we're devoting
three minutes to it.
139
00:07:10,400 --> 00:07:12,639
Ah, good, good. Excellent.
140
00:07:12,640 --> 00:07:14,399
Was that it?
141
00:07:14,400 --> 00:07:16,360
Erm...
142
00:07:17,480 --> 00:07:19,200
Yes, that was it.
143
00:07:20,600 --> 00:07:23,679
So, Jill, how about this weekend?
144
00:07:23,680 --> 00:07:25,799
Oh, I'm sorry, Dave, not this weekend.
145
00:07:25,800 --> 00:07:27,559
I'm visiting friends in the mendips.
146
00:07:27,560 --> 00:07:29,679
Oh, I'm down that way this weekend.
147
00:07:29,680 --> 00:07:31,279
Potholing.
148
00:07:31,280 --> 00:07:32,919
Potholing?!
149
00:07:32,920 --> 00:07:34,159
That sounds interesting.
150
00:07:34,160 --> 00:07:35,800
It does, doesn't it?
151
00:07:39,840 --> 00:07:42,799
I've always wanted to try that.
I'm really into activity sports.
152
00:07:42,800 --> 00:07:45,279
You know, parachuting,
diving, that sort of stuff.
153
00:07:45,280 --> 00:07:48,559
Yeah, me, too. Damien laughs
154
00:07:48,560 --> 00:07:50,279
who said that?!
155
00:07:50,280 --> 00:07:52,559
I mean, surely not Dave charnley,
156
00:07:52,560 --> 00:07:54,920
the king Edward among couch potatoes.
157
00:07:56,840 --> 00:07:59,159
Listen, I can be sporty, ok.
158
00:07:59,160 --> 00:08:02,239
You take no exercise whatsoever! I do!
159
00:08:02,240 --> 00:08:03,559
I run.
160
00:08:03,560 --> 00:08:05,320
Only from husbands.
161
00:08:07,520 --> 00:08:10,759
All right, then, hunky, why don't
you come potholing with me?
162
00:08:10,760 --> 00:08:14,479
Erm... no, no, no, I can't this weekend.
I'm busy.
163
00:08:14,480 --> 00:08:16,519
Oh, right.
164
00:08:16,520 --> 00:08:18,959
Just as well, really.
165
00:08:18,960 --> 00:08:20,439
What's that supposed to mean?
166
00:08:20,440 --> 00:08:24,519
Well, let's face it, you don't have
the necessary mental toughness,
167
00:08:24,520 --> 00:08:27,519
and of course, physically, you're
just the wrong side of 30.
168
00:08:27,520 --> 00:08:29,519
Past it, basically.
169
00:08:29,520 --> 00:08:31,439
All right, I'll come.
170
00:08:31,440 --> 00:08:32,839
Good for you.
171
00:08:32,840 --> 00:08:34,639
I think you should enjoy it, Dave.
172
00:08:34,640 --> 00:08:38,800
Poking around dark, damp places,
should be right up your street.
173
00:08:41,200 --> 00:08:42,879
Bye. And thanks for that joke
174
00:08:42,880 --> 00:08:45,599
about John gummer and
the threshing machine.
175
00:08:45,600 --> 00:08:47,799
Yeah, yeah. See ya.
176
00:08:47,800 --> 00:08:49,440
Morning, tightarse.
177
00:08:51,160 --> 00:08:53,120
Morning, methuselah.
178
00:08:54,360 --> 00:08:58,119
What's this? New schedules
for this week. From Gus.
179
00:08:58,120 --> 00:09:01,919
Why has Jill replaced me
on three of the bulletins?
180
00:09:01,920 --> 00:09:04,399
You can't fight the
march of time, my dear.
181
00:09:04,400 --> 00:09:06,439
Face facts, this time next year,
182
00:09:06,440 --> 00:09:10,359
you'll just be an obscure answer
in some TV nostalgia quiz.
183
00:09:10,360 --> 00:09:13,880
Someone people confuse
with jan leeming.
184
00:09:15,360 --> 00:09:17,159
What's so funny?
185
00:09:17,160 --> 00:09:21,399
Oh, the admirable Jill is replacing
Sally on three bulletins this week.
186
00:09:21,400 --> 00:09:23,959
And replacing you on five.
187
00:09:23,960 --> 00:09:26,279
What?!
188
00:09:26,280 --> 00:09:27,719
Well, I'm not standing for this!
189
00:09:27,720 --> 00:09:30,759
Good grief, look, this
talentless whippersnapper
190
00:09:30,760 --> 00:09:33,559
is doing a whole bulletin solo!
Where's Gus?
191
00:09:33,560 --> 00:09:38,199
I think he's in an anal interface
with a toilet seat situation.
192
00:09:38,200 --> 00:09:41,559
Right. Gus!
193
00:09:41,560 --> 00:09:43,959
Sorry I'm late.
194
00:09:43,960 --> 00:09:46,639
Suspicious-looking object on
the platform at Victoria.
195
00:09:46,640 --> 00:09:49,840
Turned out to be a very
small dosser, apparently.
196
00:09:51,400 --> 00:09:53,599
Good weekend? Yes, thanks.
197
00:09:53,600 --> 00:09:55,719
Get any valentines?
198
00:09:55,720 --> 00:09:57,359
Well, yes, I did, actually.
199
00:09:57,360 --> 00:10:01,799
It was a big pink card with a puppy
on with huge soppy brown eyes.
200
00:10:01,800 --> 00:10:05,440
Oh. I wonder who could
have sent you that.
201
00:10:06,680 --> 00:10:09,439
For goodness sake, Henry,
there's a time and a place!
202
00:10:09,440 --> 00:10:11,559
You shouldn't burst in
on people like that.
203
00:10:11,560 --> 00:10:13,919
Why have I been dropped from
five bulletins this week?
204
00:10:13,920 --> 00:10:16,399
Henry, there's nothing to worry about.
205
00:10:16,400 --> 00:10:17,999
We're merely running our bulletin
206
00:10:18,000 --> 00:10:20,119
through the cappuccino
machine of innovation
207
00:10:20,120 --> 00:10:21,880
to see if it comes out frothy.
208
00:10:24,400 --> 00:10:26,599
He's saying I'm past it, isn't he?
209
00:10:26,600 --> 00:10:29,959
Right, well, you think I'm
past it, do you, Gus?!
210
00:10:29,960 --> 00:10:31,359
Decrepit?!
211
00:10:31,360 --> 00:10:34,240
Well, there's one way to settle this...
arm wrestling!
212
00:10:36,400 --> 00:10:40,319
Oh, dear. Henry's feeling
insecure about his age again.
213
00:10:40,320 --> 00:10:43,519
The last time this happened, he
applied for the London marathon,
214
00:10:43,520 --> 00:10:48,679
dehydrated, and collided with six
Gurkhas inside a dinosaur costume.
215
00:10:48,680 --> 00:10:51,880
Dave and Damien should be here by now.
Where the hell are they?
216
00:10:55,280 --> 00:10:57,080
So, is it always this
much fun, then (?)
217
00:10:59,160 --> 00:11:01,199
Look, I'm sorry, ok?
218
00:11:01,200 --> 00:11:03,639
Well, I didn't know we
were gonna get trapped.
219
00:11:03,640 --> 00:11:06,079
Must have been raining
very hard up top.
220
00:11:06,080 --> 00:11:08,639
Get away (!)
221
00:11:08,640 --> 00:11:12,479
Jesus Christ, why on earth did
I agree to come with you?
222
00:11:12,480 --> 00:11:15,359
You agreed because you were
worried about growing old.
223
00:11:15,360 --> 00:11:16,679
Yeah, well, that doesn't look
224
00:11:16,680 --> 00:11:18,839
like it's gonna be much of
a problem now, does it?
225
00:11:18,840 --> 00:11:21,839
Oh, god, what a stupid way to die.
226
00:11:21,840 --> 00:11:24,320
We'll be all right. You'll see.
227
00:11:25,640 --> 00:11:28,000
Try not to dwell on the situation.
228
00:11:29,120 --> 00:11:30,880
Think about something else.
229
00:11:32,320 --> 00:11:35,879
Think about something else?! Yeah!
230
00:11:35,880 --> 00:11:37,560
What do you suggest?
231
00:11:41,880 --> 00:11:46,319
I spy... with my little eye...
232
00:11:46,320 --> 00:11:49,679
Something beginning with... w.
233
00:11:49,680 --> 00:11:51,720
Water. Yep. Your go.
234
00:11:53,720 --> 00:11:57,999
Henry, for the last time,
this is not about age!
235
00:11:58,000 --> 00:12:01,839
And stop doing those press-ups.
You're not proving anything!
236
00:12:01,840 --> 00:12:03,679
So sorry I'm late, everyone.
237
00:12:03,680 --> 00:12:05,679
The garage didn't have my car ready.
238
00:12:05,680 --> 00:12:07,359
Oh, dear, what's wrong with it?
239
00:12:07,360 --> 00:12:09,119
Well, it's the strangest thing,
240
00:12:09,120 --> 00:12:12,199
but on Friday night, when I
got down to the car park,
241
00:12:12,200 --> 00:12:14,879
someone had scratched the
word "bitch" on the bonnet.
242
00:12:14,880 --> 00:12:16,600
Oh, dear!
243
00:12:17,840 --> 00:12:20,320
We live in lawless times!
244
00:12:22,680 --> 00:12:24,999
What's the photo of Peter
lilley doing up there?
245
00:12:25,000 --> 00:12:28,439
He's the winner of our "slimy
git of the week" competition.
246
00:12:28,440 --> 00:12:31,200
Peter lilley's not that
slimy, though, is he?
247
00:12:34,280 --> 00:12:36,840
Sorry. Don't know why I said that.
248
00:12:38,240 --> 00:12:41,399
Jill, could you come for a
brief scuba in my think tank?
249
00:12:41,400 --> 00:12:44,719
Only, I've done a bit of...
250
00:12:44,720 --> 00:12:46,639
Done a bit of schedule rejiggery.
251
00:12:46,640 --> 00:12:48,080
Right, just coming.
252
00:12:49,200 --> 00:12:50,919
George.
253
00:12:50,920 --> 00:12:52,920
Have you, erm... you know.
254
00:12:56,440 --> 00:12:57,480
Jill whispers: Go on!
255
00:13:01,720 --> 00:13:05,320
George, the doctor rang
about your urine sample.
256
00:13:07,760 --> 00:13:10,040
And? He doesn't want it.
257
00:13:15,360 --> 00:13:18,639
Well, Henry, I get the
distinct impression
258
00:13:18,640 --> 00:13:21,799
that you and I are being
supplanted by young Jill.
259
00:13:21,800 --> 00:13:23,239
Yes.
260
00:13:23,240 --> 00:13:25,119
Well, she is very good. Yes.
261
00:13:25,120 --> 00:13:27,039
And very bright. Yes.
262
00:13:27,040 --> 00:13:29,879
But very young. Yes.
263
00:13:29,880 --> 00:13:33,999
And there is only one
of her, and two of us.
264
00:13:34,000 --> 00:13:36,200
If you get my drift?
265
00:13:39,800 --> 00:13:41,559
Well, Michael bloody fish
266
00:13:41,560 --> 00:13:45,079
never saw this on his bloody
satellite photo, did he?
267
00:13:45,080 --> 00:13:47,119
Try and keep calm, will you?
268
00:13:47,120 --> 00:13:49,039
We only have a limited amount of air.
269
00:13:49,040 --> 00:13:52,919
And I'm only using up my half, ok?!
270
00:13:52,920 --> 00:13:55,959
Do you think there's an afterlife? No!
271
00:13:55,960 --> 00:13:58,479
So, this is it, then?
272
00:13:58,480 --> 00:14:00,839
What am I gonna leave behind me, eh?
273
00:14:00,840 --> 00:14:03,759
Still, I don't think I've
got any real regrets.
274
00:14:03,760 --> 00:14:06,879
Apart from backing England
to win the last world cup.
275
00:14:06,880 --> 00:14:08,279
Bloody waddle.
276
00:14:08,280 --> 00:14:10,319
Damien blubbers underwater
277
00:14:10,320 --> 00:14:12,399
I wonder what people will say about me.
278
00:14:12,400 --> 00:14:14,199
I wonder what they'll put on my grave.
279
00:14:14,200 --> 00:14:16,400
A dancefloor! Now shut up!
280
00:14:19,560 --> 00:14:21,839
We should never have blasted...
281
00:14:21,840 --> 00:14:23,999
Oh, shut up, shut up!
282
00:14:24,000 --> 00:14:25,799
You're terrified, aren't you?
283
00:14:25,800 --> 00:14:27,639
Nervously: Ha-ha! I'm not terrified!
284
00:14:27,640 --> 00:14:30,279
It's not me who's jabbering
on about an afterlife.
285
00:14:30,280 --> 00:14:33,199
No, I can cope with the thought
of being hurtled into oblivion.
286
00:14:33,200 --> 00:14:35,239
I've faced death thousands of times.
287
00:14:35,240 --> 00:14:38,239
No, it's you, you're cracking up!
You're going to pieces.
288
00:14:38,240 --> 00:14:40,279
I mean, what's the matter with you?
289
00:14:40,280 --> 00:14:44,079
Sobbing: Why don't you just
pull yourself together?
290
00:14:44,080 --> 00:14:47,319
Now it's your turn.
291
00:14:47,320 --> 00:14:49,159
The queen said, sir royston, arise.
292
00:14:49,160 --> 00:14:51,559
Good lord, take a look at those thighs.
293
00:14:51,560 --> 00:14:54,279
He can't move, the fat slob.
I think it's a job
294
00:14:54,280 --> 00:14:56,519
for a crane, with a man of that size.
295
00:14:56,520 --> 00:14:57,839
What are you doing?
296
00:14:57,840 --> 00:14:59,919
We started up an office
limerick competition.
297
00:14:59,920 --> 00:15:03,079
The person who comes up with the
most offensively-amusing ditty
298
00:15:03,080 --> 00:15:05,839
about our beloved
proprietor sir royston
299
00:15:05,840 --> 00:15:08,239
wins a bottle of the
finest moet & chandon.
300
00:15:08,240 --> 00:15:09,879
Oh, great. That sounds like fun.
301
00:15:09,880 --> 00:15:12,879
Well, I've got one. Good.
302
00:15:12,880 --> 00:15:18,559
Sir royston's a horrible bastard,
I hate him, the big ugly bastard.
303
00:15:18,560 --> 00:15:21,319
I'd like to shoot him,
then smash his head in,
304
00:15:21,320 --> 00:15:24,720
cos he's a bastard, the
stupid fat bastard.
305
00:15:27,400 --> 00:15:30,919
Yes. Yes, yes, a little
weak on scansion, maybe,
306
00:15:30,920 --> 00:15:33,719
but it's got a certain primal energy.
307
00:15:33,720 --> 00:15:35,999
The deadline is the end of the day.
308
00:15:36,000 --> 00:15:38,439
Well, congratulations, everyone,
309
00:15:38,440 --> 00:15:40,839
a marginal improvement on
this morning's fire drill.
310
00:15:40,840 --> 00:15:43,599
Some of you actually moved this time.
So only half of you are dead.
311
00:15:43,600 --> 00:15:46,759
Although, in most cases, that won't
affect the standard of your work.
312
00:15:46,760 --> 00:15:49,359
We'll do it all again tomorrow.
313
00:15:49,360 --> 00:15:50,720
Groaning
314
00:15:52,120 --> 00:15:53,919
yugoslavia's warming up.
315
00:15:53,920 --> 00:15:56,719
What do you think, move
it up to second item?
316
00:15:56,720 --> 00:16:00,559
Yes, second item sounds
about right, I think.
317
00:16:00,560 --> 00:16:03,119
And what's more, I think
you're wonderful and smashing,
318
00:16:03,120 --> 00:16:05,159
and I think I'm falling
in love with you,
319
00:16:05,160 --> 00:16:07,560
and would you contemplate
coming out with me?
320
00:16:12,280 --> 00:16:13,840
Ooh, George.
321
00:16:15,480 --> 00:16:17,799
Well, that's very flattering.
322
00:16:17,800 --> 00:16:20,079
You're gonna say no, aren't you?
323
00:16:20,080 --> 00:16:22,319
Oh, I am very flattered,
324
00:16:22,320 --> 00:16:24,359
and I do like you,
325
00:16:24,360 --> 00:16:26,400
I like you a lot...
326
00:16:27,600 --> 00:16:29,800
It's just, there already is someone.
327
00:16:31,520 --> 00:16:33,240
Oh, I see.
328
00:16:34,680 --> 00:16:36,959
Right, well...
329
00:16:36,960 --> 00:16:39,120
He's a very lucky man.
330
00:16:43,040 --> 00:16:45,080
It isn't a man.
331
00:16:49,560 --> 00:16:51,520
Oh, I see.
332
00:16:53,320 --> 00:16:55,639
You're a... a...
333
00:16:55,640 --> 00:16:59,079
Lesbian. That's right.
334
00:16:59,080 --> 00:17:01,879
Needless to say, I'm telling
you this in total confidence.
335
00:17:01,880 --> 00:17:05,319
Oh, yes, right, I see.
336
00:17:05,320 --> 00:17:08,079
I had no idea.
337
00:17:08,080 --> 00:17:10,959
Well, obviously I change out of my
dungarees and shave off my beard
338
00:17:10,960 --> 00:17:13,960
before I come into
work each morning (!)
339
00:17:16,280 --> 00:17:18,239
But you were married.
340
00:17:18,240 --> 00:17:19,799
Yes.
341
00:17:19,800 --> 00:17:22,399
To a man.
342
00:17:22,400 --> 00:17:25,519
Oh, hang on. I get it.
343
00:17:25,520 --> 00:17:27,799
You're just trying to
spare my feelings.
344
00:17:27,800 --> 00:17:30,279
You're just pretending to be a...
lesbian.
345
00:17:30,280 --> 00:17:32,079
..So that I don't feel rejected.
346
00:17:32,080 --> 00:17:33,639
George, look, it's not you.
347
00:17:33,640 --> 00:17:35,479
It's got nothing to do with you.
348
00:17:35,480 --> 00:17:38,959
It's me. It's a fact, I prefer women.
349
00:17:38,960 --> 00:17:40,759
How do I convince you?
350
00:17:40,760 --> 00:17:43,839
Throw Sally to the ground and
stick my tongue down her throat?
351
00:17:43,840 --> 00:17:46,479
That won't be necessary,
thank you, Helen.
352
00:17:46,480 --> 00:17:47,759
George.
353
00:17:47,760 --> 00:17:49,519
No, look, it's all right, Helen.
354
00:17:49,520 --> 00:17:52,439
No need to patronise me by
trying to let me down lightly.
355
00:17:52,440 --> 00:17:54,359
I know that I am abhorrent to women,
356
00:17:54,360 --> 00:17:57,679
and that I have no hope, ever, of
having a meaningful relationship.
357
00:17:57,680 --> 00:18:01,240
But don't worry, I shall
just come to terms with it.
358
00:18:04,560 --> 00:18:07,719
Uh-oh.
359
00:18:07,720 --> 00:18:09,719
So, I turned to major Ron, and I said,
360
00:18:09,720 --> 00:18:13,879
"I wouldn't let her near my
toes, she'd probably eat them."
361
00:18:13,880 --> 00:18:15,279
Oh, how we laughed.
362
00:18:15,280 --> 00:18:17,319
Oh, Jill, this is des, an old mate.
363
00:18:17,320 --> 00:18:18,919
Oh, pleased to meet you.
364
00:18:18,920 --> 00:18:22,119
Jill's the latest star in
sir royston's firmament.
365
00:18:22,120 --> 00:18:24,759
Yes, we're all sir Roy's little toys.
366
00:18:24,760 --> 00:18:27,399
Oh, that reminds me,
I've done my limerick.
367
00:18:27,400 --> 00:18:29,319
Oh, great.
368
00:18:29,320 --> 00:18:34,879
Sir royston's a powerful banker,
who's built like a huge supertanker.
369
00:18:34,880 --> 00:18:37,759
Some say he's quite nice,
but I've met him twice,
370
00:18:37,760 --> 00:18:40,439
and he's just an inadequate wanker.
371
00:18:40,440 --> 00:18:42,999
They laugh
372
00:18:43,000 --> 00:18:44,559
yes, that's very good.
373
00:18:44,560 --> 00:18:47,399
Brilliant. I must
remember that one, Jill.
374
00:18:47,400 --> 00:18:49,879
Anyway, can't sit here jawing all day.
375
00:18:49,880 --> 00:18:53,119
Des, here are those Calcutta cup
tickets. Enjoy it. See you.
376
00:18:53,120 --> 00:18:55,839
Very nice meeting you, Jill. Likewise.
377
00:18:55,840 --> 00:18:59,479
Well, he seems very nice.
What does he do here?
378
00:18:59,480 --> 00:19:01,319
Oh, he doesn't work here.
379
00:19:01,320 --> 00:19:03,560
He's a gossip columnist
from the street of shame.
380
00:19:05,920 --> 00:19:09,839
Erm... a gossip communist?
381
00:19:09,840 --> 00:19:13,760
Yes. Quite a good one. His
nickname is dr death.
382
00:19:14,880 --> 00:19:18,519
But... but he just heard my
limerick about sir royston.
383
00:19:18,520 --> 00:19:20,039
What if he prints it?
384
00:19:20,040 --> 00:19:22,879
Oh, good lord, I never thought of that!
385
00:19:22,880 --> 00:19:25,319
Maybe I should ring him to
make it absolutely clear
386
00:19:25,320 --> 00:19:26,639
that it was off the record.
387
00:19:26,640 --> 00:19:29,919
Good idea. I'm sure that will work!
Don't you think so, Henry?
388
00:19:29,920 --> 00:19:32,360
Oh, yes, of course.
389
00:19:37,840 --> 00:19:40,679
Helen, the us
correspondents filed this.
390
00:19:40,680 --> 00:19:42,880
Looks like Mike Tyson's
gonna lose his appeal.
391
00:19:43,880 --> 00:19:45,359
I wonder how he'll take that.
392
00:19:45,360 --> 00:19:47,160
Well, who's gonna tell him?
393
00:19:48,720 --> 00:19:51,079
By the way, a message
from Dave and Damien,
394
00:19:51,080 --> 00:19:53,359
they'll be catching the
train back this afternoon,
395
00:19:53,360 --> 00:19:56,079
as soon as the hospital's checked
out Damien's trench foot.
396
00:19:56,080 --> 00:19:59,359
God, 24 hours trapped underground.
397
00:19:59,360 --> 00:20:01,159
Hard to imagine.
398
00:20:01,160 --> 00:20:03,280
Not if you use the
northern line, it isn't.
399
00:20:04,960 --> 00:20:08,919
George, do you think we should send
a full crew to cover sellafield?
400
00:20:08,920 --> 00:20:11,000
If you say so.
401
00:20:14,680 --> 00:20:16,959
George, what is going on?
402
00:20:16,960 --> 00:20:18,760
Sing-songy: Nothing.
403
00:20:21,520 --> 00:20:24,359
Right. Well, in that case...
404
00:20:24,360 --> 00:20:25,879
Except that I feel you made me
405
00:20:25,880 --> 00:20:28,079
make a bit of a fool
of myself, that's all.
406
00:20:28,080 --> 00:20:31,799
You could have told me. That
way, I would never have asked.
407
00:20:31,800 --> 00:20:33,599
I should have told you
before you asked?
408
00:20:33,600 --> 00:20:37,279
Yes, that way I would have
known before I found out.
409
00:20:37,280 --> 00:20:38,639
That makes perfect sense (!)
410
00:20:38,640 --> 00:20:40,999
Well, that makes perfect sense to me.
411
00:20:41,000 --> 00:20:43,360
Oh, can't we be professional?!
412
00:20:49,800 --> 00:20:51,560
Muffled yell
413
00:20:56,520 --> 00:20:58,719
I was wondering if we
shouldn't do something
414
00:20:58,720 --> 00:20:59,759
on the prominent role
415
00:20:59,760 --> 00:21:02,199
that Hillary Clinton is
taking on in Washington.
416
00:21:02,200 --> 00:21:05,319
Why not? She's a woman, isn't she?
417
00:21:05,320 --> 00:21:08,959
I think we should imply that she is
far better qualified to be president
418
00:21:08,960 --> 00:21:13,920
than her husband, who is, after
all, a potential rapist.
419
00:21:16,720 --> 00:21:20,119
Are you all right, Jill?
You look a bit down.
420
00:21:20,120 --> 00:21:22,199
Have you seen this article?
421
00:21:22,200 --> 00:21:24,919
He's gone and printed
the whole limerick.
422
00:21:24,920 --> 00:21:26,759
But didn't you phone him?
423
00:21:26,760 --> 00:21:31,159
Yes. He said he sympathised, but
that he is a gossip columnist,
424
00:21:31,160 --> 00:21:34,759
and he couldn't possibly pass
up a juicy story like this.
425
00:21:34,760 --> 00:21:36,559
What a cad!
426
00:21:36,560 --> 00:21:41,039
Anyway, I'm sure Gus will accept
it was just a bit of fun.
427
00:21:41,040 --> 00:21:44,439
Oh, Gus, it was just
a misunderstanding.
428
00:21:44,440 --> 00:21:46,720
Surely you can explain to sir royston!
429
00:21:48,720 --> 00:21:51,039
Of course I can. No problem.
430
00:21:51,040 --> 00:21:54,719
I'll simply say to him, "there's
been a little misunderstanding,
431
00:21:54,720 --> 00:21:56,159
"and one of your employees
432
00:21:56,160 --> 00:21:58,799
"has publicly branded you
an inadequate wanker."
433
00:21:58,800 --> 00:22:01,479
I tell you what, why don't you
go and ring him yourself?
434
00:22:01,480 --> 00:22:03,840
Right now, eh? Clear the air.
435
00:22:07,000 --> 00:22:10,999
Joy, get a bin liner
and clear Jill's desk.
436
00:22:11,000 --> 00:22:13,919
Yes!
437
00:22:13,920 --> 00:22:15,879
Are you all right, Henry?
438
00:22:15,880 --> 00:22:18,799
Oh, I'm extremely all right, George.
Are you ok?
439
00:22:18,800 --> 00:22:22,000
You look gloomier than
Leon brittan's blind date.
440
00:22:23,800 --> 00:22:25,479
Oh, I don't know, Henry.
441
00:22:25,480 --> 00:22:28,559
Why am I so bad at reading people?
442
00:22:28,560 --> 00:22:30,679
For years, I thought Robert Maxwell
443
00:22:30,680 --> 00:22:33,159
was just an egotistical philanthropist.
444
00:22:33,160 --> 00:22:37,440
And I had idi amin down
as just high-spirited.
445
00:22:38,640 --> 00:22:41,799
And now I've got Helen wrong.
446
00:22:41,800 --> 00:22:44,199
And where the hell have you two been?
447
00:22:44,200 --> 00:22:46,519
You were supposed to be
here yesterday afternoon.
448
00:22:46,520 --> 00:22:48,519
The hospital kept us
back for observation.
449
00:22:48,520 --> 00:22:50,959
Then Damien started throwing
up all over the place
450
00:22:50,960 --> 00:22:52,479
because he had delayed shock.
451
00:22:52,480 --> 00:22:54,519
Young people are such wimps these days!
452
00:22:54,520 --> 00:22:57,279
Look, we have been through hell, ok?
453
00:22:57,280 --> 00:23:00,639
We've spent the last 24 hours
in almost total darkness,
454
00:23:00,640 --> 00:23:03,039
up to our noses in freezing water,
455
00:23:03,040 --> 00:23:07,039
three inches away from a
slow and terrifying death!
456
00:23:07,040 --> 00:23:10,320
Well, just you wait until you
hear what's been happening to me!
457
00:23:13,960 --> 00:23:15,239
I'm gonna kill him!
458
00:23:15,240 --> 00:23:16,759
No, you're not, no, you're not.
459
00:23:16,760 --> 00:23:19,719
We both are. Fire alarm
460
00:23:19,720 --> 00:23:22,999
right, everyone, leave the building
in a brisk but orderly fashion.
461
00:23:23,000 --> 00:23:25,719
Hello, you two. Back from
your little adventure?
462
00:23:25,720 --> 00:23:27,919
It was not a little adventure!
463
00:23:27,920 --> 00:23:29,919
I'll hear all about it
when we get down there.
464
00:23:29,920 --> 00:23:31,919
Come along, everyone!
Come along, George.
465
00:23:31,920 --> 00:23:34,199
Come on, let's do this
properly for once.
466
00:23:34,200 --> 00:23:36,319
As Helen: Come along, George.
467
00:23:36,320 --> 00:23:40,240
Well, you're not pushing me
around, little miss fire drill!
468
00:23:41,480 --> 00:23:43,119
Who does she think she is?
469
00:23:43,120 --> 00:23:46,639
Herding everyone around like
some gestapo-trained sheepdog.
470
00:23:46,640 --> 00:23:49,279
Well, you can count me out!
471
00:23:49,280 --> 00:23:52,560
There's nobody pushing
George dent around.
472
00:23:58,000 --> 00:24:00,639
Henry: Joy, I was just running
our unemployment coverage
473
00:24:00,640 --> 00:24:03,159
through my blender, to see
if it came out Fluffy.
474
00:24:03,160 --> 00:24:06,239
I was wondering, do we have
to use the word unemployed?
475
00:24:06,240 --> 00:24:09,479
Perhaps we could say
occupationally-challenged.
476
00:24:09,480 --> 00:24:11,639
Joy: Or we could say there's
three million people
477
00:24:11,640 --> 00:24:14,279
with enhanced personal
leisure potential.
478
00:24:14,280 --> 00:24:16,319
Let's not get jargon heavy.
479
00:24:16,320 --> 00:24:19,479
Now, joy, how about a coffee?
Mine's a milk and two sugars.
480
00:24:19,480 --> 00:24:22,599
Joy, have you had a very good look
at these unemployment figures?
481
00:24:22,600 --> 00:24:24,879
Have you thought what it
would be like to experience
482
00:24:24,880 --> 00:24:28,119
the pointlessness of spending a
whole day just doing nothing?
483
00:24:28,120 --> 00:24:29,359
Well, you seem to manage.
484
00:24:29,360 --> 00:24:31,360
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