Original subtitles

This episode of drop the dead donkey was first shown in January '93,

in a week when president Clinton

was championing the rights of gays to become soldiers,

and Michael heseltine was in the dark about interest rate cuts

and in a flap about the future of the mining industry.

All right, listen up! Listen up.

New sweepstake.

Best suggestions for next member of Clinton's family

to be offered a government job.

So far, we've got Chelsea Clinton as head of joint chiefs of staff,

and socks the cat in charge of the space programme.

Stake is a fiver,

and the winner gets two tickets for the new Andrew Lloyd Webber musical.

What's the matter?

If we could get on. Now...

Coach, if I could input into your mental mainframe for a moment.

Irish documentary last night.

As I feared, it's taken a lot of flak

for giving terrorists publicity.

It might be a tad awkward next time I socialise with John Major.

Eh?

Didn't I mention it?

I met him at one of these big conservative party bashes.

He was on sparkling form.

Told a very funny anecdote

about discrepancies on the linkage clauses

within the exchange rate mechanism.

Sounds a real belter. George, when can I get the go-ahead

for my prostitution piece? I've been getting some terrific footage.

Mm, so we gather.

The news cars got three summonses for kerb crawling.

Do you want to see some of it?

No, no, look, please, can we all get back to work?

There isn't going to be anything titillating in this.

Yes, there is, it's a report from Damien.

On a social issue that is important, valid, and ratings-friendly.

We've seen items on streetwalkers before.

It'll be the usual fat girls in fishnets stuff.

No, no, I've based it all on this high-class call girl

who deals with businessmen who want to act out their fantasies.

I think she might do a miss whiplash and give me her client list.

Now, she's called estelle chambers, that's her...

Actually, I've been thinking... I mean...

We absolutely can't run this report. Helen's dead right.

No, I'm beginning to... no, you're not.

We can't show it. We've seen it all before.

It'll be the usual fat girls in fishnets stuff.

But it's not, it's...

Just what we don't need. Absolutely, definitely, no, no, no, no!

Apart from that, terrific. Excellent.

Well done.

So, Gus uses prostitutes.

I assumed he was gay. No, no, it has to be prozzies.

Let's face it, he must have to pay to get his rocks off.

Only a deaf, blind, or dead person would sleep with him voluntarily.

If we've quite finished talking about Gus' rocks...

I'm sure we've all got a lot of work to do.

Meeting over.

I thought that was rather indelicate.

All that speculation about Gus and prostitutes.

Absolutely. What do you reckon?

Well, it rather looks as if he does, doesn't it?

Well, I'm not so sure.

I think he's too repressed to have sex with anyone.

Surely he'd be rather attractive to women.

I mean, he's very well turned out.

George, women aren't just interested in men's looks or how they dress.

Really?

No, they're interested in warmth, humour...

Oh, men who can generate a bit of excitement.

Right, let's get this show on the road!

George, Margaret's solicitor just rang.

Said the Mary hopkin album you took belongs to his client.

And, oh, yeah, the dpp wants to imprison you

under the prevention of terrorism act.

What?! Last night's documentary.

They want the name of the informer who gave you the stuff about mi5.

But I thought we agreed they wouldn't risk a prosecution on this.

Don't worry, they're just trying to intimidate us.

How ridiculous. Yes. Ridiculous.

George dent? Yes?

Jean schaefer, producer, Jim'll fix it.

So kind of you to let us shoot our piece here.

Your piece? The little girl who reads the news with Sally.

Oh, yes, right.

George, what's all this about a prosecution and...

Hello. Jean schaefer, producer, Jim'll fix it.

Ah... yes. Terrific. Good to see you.

We know where to go.

Terrific. Now, George, it's a simple question,

are you going to give them the name?

If we do, then in the future, informers won't dare come forward,

and these sort of illegalities will never be discovered.

Excellent. I knew you'd see sense.

Now, what I suggest is that we ring the home office now

with this informer chappy's name. Right, off you go, then.

Sorry? Ring them with a name.

But I don't know the name.

No, you don't, do you, Gus? Only George and I do,

and we've no intention of telling it to anyone.

Have we, George? Er, no. Absolutely.

I see. Very well.

Well, I think we showed him where we stand on this one, Helen.

We were resolute, rock-solid... Irritable bowel syndrome, excuse me.

That's right. We're not gonna give in

to hand-relief hedges, the hooker booker.

Henry. Hm?

If they do decide to prosecute,

where do you think George and I would stand?

Well, the law is there.

But in a case like this, it would only be resorted to

by the most petty and vindictive individuals.

But as that describes this cabinet perfectly,

you're in deep lumber, my girl.

God, this is all so depressingly familiar.

I'm sick and tired of being browbeaten by governments.

Sometimes I think I don't need this any more -

all I want is a large drink, a warm bed, and a loose woman.

Jean schaefer, Jim'll fix it.

I didn't know Jim could fix that.

I don't want to get in the way or anything,

but is Sally smedley here yet? No.

No, you'll know when she arrives. All the plants will wither.

No. I'm sorry, I really don't know.

Who was that? Michael heseltine.

He wanted to know whether the latest pit policy's been announced yet.

She sighs

terribly sorry about this, Sally.

Just waiting for imogen to come out of make-up.

Erm, imogen's recently lost her mother,

so it's great that you've agreed to do this.

She's so eager to read the news with you, she's...

She sighs

here she is.

Now, this is imogen.

Jane, problem on sound. Oh, god, what now?

So, imogen,

it's your special wish to read the news with me?

No. I really wanted sue carpenter.

Oh.

Only she was too professional to do a publicity stunt like this.

Same as zeinab badawi.

Then one of the researchers said you'd do it

cos you've just been hammered by the inland revenue.

So he reckoned that for 10p, you'd probably bonk a kangaroo.

Can I sit in the left-hand chair? I always sit here.

My mother's just died, you know. Very well.

Good. My right side just doesn't photograph as well.

Couldn't they have fixed it during the eons you spent in make-up?

Oh, I finished hours ago.

But you know what they say:

Keep 'em waiting, they'll appreciate you more.

George. This personal note has just arrived from sir royston.

By helicopter.

Oh, this is marvellous.

He's backing me all the way. Listen to this.

"Dear George,

"I hear the government are threatening to prosecute you

"over this documentary. So what...

"The hell do you think you're doing, you stupid little man?

"Give them the name, or you're dead meat.

"Sincerely yours, sir royston merchant."

Don't take it personally, George.

He's just ensuring they can't punish the company with a fine.

I thought it was felt

that we discovered a serious case of misconduct.

Just because we discover misconduct,

doesn't mean we have to make a television programme about it.

For instance, I could have had a quiet word with John Major.

"John," I could have said,

"some of our mi5 chaps seem to be bumping off a few irishmen

"they shouldn't have."

I'm sure it would have all been sorted out.

Oh, yeah. Major would have come up with a terrorists' charter.

"When shooting suspects, hit squads must be polite,

"wear nametags, and turn up at the time agreed."

Is that really necessary, David?

No, George, you listen to me, and you...

You negotiate this minefield the way you see fit.

Catch you later, skip.

Bet I can guess what that was about.

I'm not gonna be bullied.

Because I'm angry now. And when I'm angry, I can be quite defiant!

Like when the man next door with the dobermann

kept throwing his dog's doings over the fence.

I just threw them straight back.

I wouldn't give in.

He threw them back over the fence, then I threw them over the fence.

Then he threw his dobermann over the fence.

Very quick, dobermanns.

He won't really lock us away, will he, Helen?

Don't worry, George, you'll be all right.

Helen. Yeah?

Should I update the Margaret Thatcher obituary?

She hasn't done anything for months.

No, I know, but I've had a really rough week,

and it would just make me feel better.

Of course, this is just a career move, really.

You can't get too much exposure, can you?

George says how long are you going to be?

Oh, not long. She's got to get it right soon.

I brought you some coffee. It's not from the machine, is it?

No, it's freshly made.

Good. And mine's strong, black, with three sugars, is it?

That's right. White or brown sugar?

White. No, I only take brown.

Demerara. But we haven't got any.

Then get some. But...

Are you deaf as well as stupid?

I want strong, black, with three demerara sugars, thank you.

What are you looking at?

She's just taking notes.

Right, there's this...

Britain establishing a national lottery.

We've already got a national lottery,

it's called ringing for an ambulance.

More on John Major's son being sent off in a football match

for bad language.

Yeah, you can hear it, can't you?

"Sod very considerably off,

"you most disagreeable orifice in the rectal area."

Er... anything else?

Yeah, there's a new water contamination scare.

Hundreds of fish have been found dead near a reservoir,

and the local water company are blaming it on very greedy otters.

Very impressive public statement you've issued, George.

Very firm. Do I detect Helen's work?

Yes, well, she did select the actual wording.

Thought as much.

Of course, it's so much easier for her.

As the number two,

she'd probably get a lighter sentence, anyway.

You can't divide us, Gus.

The whole office is behind me and Helen on this one.

Isn't that right? Yes.

Absolutely, 100%.

I understand you're running a sweepstake on George.

No. Certainly not. Whatever gave you that idea?

Excuse me.

Oh, I see three years is at 5/1.

Well, I'll have a tenner on that. And 20 quid on strangeways.

Nothing like a bit of light-hearted fun in the office.

Thank you very much, David.

Helen, for this water story, I thought I'd get a sample.

You're reading my notebook. Yeah.

What are all these doodles of guns being fired

and knives sticking out of people's heads?

Oh, I was interviewing gyles brandreth.

Look, what are you doing with it?

Just some background research on your call girl piece.

Eh? Sally groans

thank god that's over. What a nightmare!

Turn on the camera,

and it brings out a publicity-seeking little monster.

Yes, but what was the kid like?

Very, very funny, Henry. Isn't it time you died?

God, I never want to see that little antichrist again.

Sally? God, what now?

Yes, Jean? That was lovely.

Good. But we've got a problem with the tape stock.

We'll have to reshoot the whole thing tomorrow.

Henry.

You're... you're very active

in the bring back David gower campaign, aren't you?

Yes.

Did you, by any chance, send a parcel containing a dead rat

to the chairman of the selectors? Now, why do you assume it was me?

Because the death threat was written on our headed notepaper!

Rings doorbell

yes? Estelle chambers?

Yes. My name's Helen Cooper, I'm from globelink news.

I've come to apologise.

I understand one of our reporters has been bothering you.

Well, yes, Damien day. Last week...

Glass smashes Jesus wept! What was that?

What was it? I don't know, somebody threw something.

Oh, god.

Do you mind if I come in and ring for a cab?

No, course not. Come in.

Strange.

Yeah. Well, there's some real nutters around.

The phone's there.

Oh, yes. Well, that's for a certain high court judge.

You have to dress up as a sheep?

No, he does. I have to herd him around the flat.

He's the only man I know who gets an erection

watching one man and his dog.

Engaged.

I once had a boyfriend who had the hots for miss piggy.

He didn't go on to become an mp, did he? Dentist.

Can't be the same one, then.

Would you like a cup of coffee? Love one.

So, you work in telly, then? Yeah.

Course, I really want to be an actress.

I've done some filming, as a body double.

I've been patsy kensit's back,

Stephanie beacham's legs, and Jane Seymour's bottom.

Speaking part there, then.

Oh, some of my clients like to be filmed.

Including a certain important person

not a million miles away from your company.

Phone rings

that'll be one of my regulars. I give phone as well.

Sultry voice: Hello.

Yes, it is.

Would you like to know what I'm wearing?

Normal voice: Sorry about this.

Sultry voice: I'm wearing an oh-so-flimsy negligee

and absolutely nothing else.

Normal voice: Is instant all right?

Sultry voice: If you ask me to take it off, of course I will.

I'm slipping it over my thighs now.

Normal voice: White, no sugar?

Sultry voice: Very, very slowly.

And now I'm completely naked.

Normal voice: Look, make yourself comfortable,

I'm just gonna fake an orgasm.

Item number eight, gays in the us forces.

Servicemen are really worried.

What a typical male response,

to automatically assume gays would fancy them.

I mean, who on earth would find a sweaty, hulking great marine

with the intelligence of a brick attractive?

Right, Sally...

Sorry. Miles away.

Never mind.

You know, I've been thinking about this documentary business.

It's important that we win this one.

Yep. Yeah.

So I think the answer is strength in numbers.

If I were to tell all of you the name of the informant,

then it'd make it very difficult for the government.

That's right. They'd have to put us all in prison.

Right.

So, the name of the informant...

Actually, I think you might be wrong there, George.

Joy, when you've got a moment, I'd like this letter photocopied.

It's to me from John major, the prime minister.

Thanking me for my input on press reform.

Ok, ok, so you've got a letter from John Major.

I've had two letters from John Major.

I've borrowed a French letter from Teddy Kennedy.

That's the secret of a great politician, he told me.

Truth in your heart, passion in your guts,

and a Johnny in your wallet.

Excuse me. Er, Sally, we're ready for you now.

Don't suppose anyone's got an ice pick they could lend me?

Make way for a big exclusive.

What's that?

A sample of reservoir water,

which, according to the local water authority,

is as pure as cliff Richard.

However, I have had it analysed,

and it is full of an ingenious micro-organism

that is god's gift to toilet paper manufacturers.

So I am going to confront the environment secretary,

challenge him to drink it, and stand well back.

George, the lawyers want to see us about that documentary.

Oh, yes. I'll just go and get my valium.

So, er, how did you get on last night?

I don't know what you're talking about.

Oh, come on, I know where you went.

Did you find anything on Gus? Not a thing.

Come along, George.

Sorry. It's these childproof bottles.

Hey, that's interesting.

Did you know Virginia bottomley is an anagram

for "I'm an evil Tory bigot"?

Robin cook is "o, cor, I bonk".

Michael heseltine's a devious little shit.

That an anagram? No.

And that's the good news from me, imogen longman.

And from me, Sally smedley.

Both: Good night.

And cut.

Are we finished? Yes, Sally. Thanks a million.

Oh, yes, thank you.

Look, I'm sorry if I mucked you around a bit,

but I've had a bit of a rough time recently,

and, well, I do admire you, really. Please may I have your autograph?

Very well.

Pen buzzes argh!

Is she playing her tricks again? You've got to laugh, haven't you?

Well, seeing as how I've just lost my mother, you do.

At least, that's what I told the researchers.

In fact, mum moved to Australia when I was three.

Bye, Sally. See you on your way down.

So, George, what did the lawyers say?

Oh, it's pretty gloomy.

They feel we could well end up in prison.

Oh, dear.

Still, I can see you coping very well with prison, George.

The gross overcrowding, the slopping out,

the constant threat of violence and perverted sexual practices.

No, you'll have the mental strength to cope with all of that.

They won't break George dent.

No.

Of course, it must be tempting to know that you could escape all this

just by saying one little name.

And that if you said that name to the right person,

no-one even need know you'd said it.

Really?

No-one will ever know.

You promise? Promise.

Go on. It'd be so easy.

All right.

The name is... sir royston has just made a speech on our documentary.

Oh, god.

"The journalist's freedom to investigate

"is vital to a democracy,

"and globelink news has my unfaltering support

"in its battle against

"the government's crude bullying tactics."

Sir royston said this? Yes.

Well, that's, er... that's terrific.

The government's not gonna take on sir royston,

given that he virtually bankrolls their election campaigns.

I think we've won.

I never doubted we'd win for a moment.

They could have waited for hell to freeze over

before I'd have given them that name.

I know that, George. They wouldn't have broken George dent.

All right, George. I'm not one to be intimidated.

I'm...

Just nipping off to the toilet. Excuse me.

Helen. Problem.

Henry can't get through

the "Michael heseltine climbs down over pit closures" headline

without giggling.

And this just came in. CBI says there'll be a recovery this year.

Oh, aren't we lucky?

There's only been one recession,

yet this is the seventh or eighth recovery.

I'll be through in a minute.

I wonder what made sir royston change his mind.

Well, I think this might have influenced him a smidgen. Hm?

Moans and grunts from TV

oh, that's horrible. That's unspeakable.

That's... two people having sex, Gus.

Exactly.

One of them a very famous person who you know very well.

Not John Major?

Don't be ridiculous, Gus.

John Major would make love with his socks on.

No, don't you recognise that bottom? You've kissed it enough times.

Sir royston?! Correct!

I guessed you'd stopped that piece on the prostitute

because sir royston uses her. Everyone else thought it was you.

I promised sir royston I'd give this to you.

Yes. He'll want it destroyed.

Well, he's not going to be sending it to Jeremy beadle, is he?

What's happening? Dave, what is it?

That kid from Jim'll fix it's throwing up all over the place.

Oh, no. Oh, it's under control. The nurse has got her.

She took her into your office. What?!

Vomiting oh, for god's sake!

Very odd. One minute, she's fine,

the next, she's expelling more toxic waste than sellafield.

Has anyone seen my infected water sample?

No, sorry.

It's just that I need it for my piece!

My letter from John Major.

She's been sick over my letter from John Major!

Such judgement in one so young.

Vomiting

oh, dear. Poor little darling.

? The sun has got his hat on, hip-hip-hip hooray. ?

Right, big story.

The new statesman publishing all these ludicrous rumours

about John Major having affairs.

Yes, well, I'm worried that by suing,

poor John will just keep these rumours alive.

Well, that's what he wants, isn't it?

Sorry? Well, it makes him seem interesting, doesn't it?

All this talk of him rogering cooks

and footballers and three-legged martians.

If you ask me, all this stuff's been put about by central office.

You know, just to counter his image as the man who's so wooden,

he gets squirrels nesting in his underpants.

Yes, yes, all right. What are the other big stories?

This won't be the end of it, you'll see.

There'll be all sorts of ludicrous fantasies

circulating about him.

The pm says he's going to tackle unemployment. There y'are, you see.

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