All language subtitles for Drop The Dead Donkey s03e03 Henrys Lost Love.eng

'And now, drop the dead donkey.

'This episode was first
shown in January '93.

'In a week when us missiles killed
two staff in a Baghdad hotel,

'Norman lamont faced criticism
over who paid his legal fees

'and the infamous camillagate tape
surfaced, in which prince Charles

'allegedly aspired to become
a female sanitary product.'

ok, lead item - got to be Iraq.

Us surgical strike against
two hotel receptionists.

And item five, this has come in -

prince Charles has had a
security sweep done at highgrove

looking for listening devices.

Oh, shit!

What?

Nothing!

Isn't Henry back from lunch yet?

I want a serious interface with him

about downsizing our
negative publicity quotient.

"Subtitles available on ceefax."

I mean, just look at this -

a huge photo of Henry
dribbling down the cleavage

of some sizzling senorita from eldorado.
It's sickening!

Now, if Henry comes back...

Henry...

I want to talk to you
about your lifestyle.

Yes, magnificent, isn't it?

Look at this. Just what do
you think you're doing?

Well, I'm putting my
head between her breasts

and I'm going... Imitates drooling

oh, for god's sake!

You are bringing this
company to disrepute.

Henry chuckles now go out
and acquire some dignity!

Are you all right, George?

No, not really. Had to go to
the dentist this morning.

I don't think he was very taken with
our coverage of the dentist dispute.

He said he couldn't afford anaesthetic.

Kept asking me if I'd
seen marathon man.

Anyway, if that's all, I suppose...

Oh, yes.

Dave, I just wanted a quick word.

It's about your gambling.

Oh, now, good news. I found a
sure-fire way to control that.

From now on, I promise
there will be no more

constant nipping out of the office
to place those silly little bets.

Oh, great. I'm gonna do one
big accumulator instead.

It's longer odds, but if I
hit, it's, "aloha, Hawaii."

Is that all you wanted me for?

Well, I'll be getting on, then.
Thanks for the chat.

I hardly think that that
deals with your problem.

Listen, I don't have
a gambling problem.

Dave, yesterday you lost 40 quid

on how long it would take
for the kettle to boil.

I know, I was so unlucky.

I will end up ahead, believe me.

Henry, did you place that six-way
accumulator for me? Oh, yeah, yeah.

Got the ticket? Uh, yes.

Dave, this problem is getting
completely out of control.

Henry, someone called Lauren's
on her way up to see you.

God, Lauren?! Do I look all right?

Who's Lauren? It's Henry's first wife.

They were married for five years.

Oh, she must be on day
release from the asylum.

Henry Davenport. Come here,
you repulsive reprobate!

Mwah. Aw!

This is Lauren, everyone. The
sexiest woman in the world,

and the only one I know who can
down a bottle of cointreau

while balancing a barstool on her nose.

How feminine (!)

You must be yorkie bar.

Yorkie bar?

The one who's so popular
with lorry drivers.

Henry, dear, we need to talk.
Yes, of course.

George, can we borrow your office?
Yes, fine.

Is this worth the trip?

"Concern over plans to fly
plutonium into the uk

"in flasks that only
withstand a drop of 27 feet.

"Flights are gonna be top secret."

It would be a bit of a
giveaway, wouldn't it?

When a plane enters our airspace
flying at a height of 26 feet?

Joy, my period's come a day early.

I don't suppose you've got any spare...?
Oh, right, yeah, hang on.

Got a box of prince Charlies in my bag.

So, you're remarrying? That's right.

David is gorgeous,
funny and kind and...

She chuckles ..Well, just fantastic.

You're not upset, are you?

No! No, of course not. I
wish you every happiness.

I do hope there isn't going
to be any unpleasantness.

Well, I doubt it. Henry's
still in love with her.

How can you tell?

Body language. She walked in and his
face lit up like windsor castle.

Poor Henry.

What tangled webs we weave.

How are things with Margaret?

Oh, still very civilised.

We had a really good
talk at the weekend,

and we decided that it's better
if we go our separate ways.

Put the past behind us in a
reasonable and mature way.

And then Margaret rang pickfords
and I move out Wednesday.

Well, thank you, Henry.

You know, that's the first time

we've sat together on a
sofa and stayed upright.

Anyway, god bless.

Bye, everyone. Bye. See ya.

See you on the 30th, fruit drop.

So, er, what's on the
30th, "fruit drop"?

She's marrying again. She's
got no family, so...

She's asked me to give her away.

Well, that's... nice.

Yeah, yes, it's-it's lovely.

It's, uh, marvellous.

And rather moving, really.

To think you'll be there in the
church wishing her "bon voyage",

as she sails off to spend the rest
of her life with the man she loves.

I think you're showing
enormous dignity, Henry.

Well done. Shut up, you little prick!

Well, that's charming (!)

You try to be nice to people

and they just shout
obscenities in your face.

Might as well be at home.

My god, is there anyone working
here with a normal private life?

Well, I'm normal.

Compared to who? Caligula?

Sally, could we interlock brain
spaces in my work area for a moment?

Which one was caligula?

Hm, he murdered his mother,
married his sister

and then ate the baby.

Ah.

Why can't we have stories
like that now, eh?

"Charles tops queen and eats
princess Anne's lovechild."

Andrew Neil's already run
that one, hasn't he?

Sally, just a tactical chat here,

regarding your interview
tomorrow at the inland revenue,

about your little tax difficulties.

How were you, um,
thinking of handling it?

Well, I thought I'd just be myself.

Splendid!

I think it might be prudent

if the version of yourself that
you decide to be is the...

Humbler, cooperative one.

After all, we don't want
any little PR hiccups

like a prison sentence
or anything like that.

Prison sentence?

Well, they wouldn't send me to prison.
I'm a celebrity.

Absolutely. Of course. Yes,
I'm sure you're right.

And I expect Lester
piggott was just unlucky.

Anyway!

Not to worry.

I'm sure everything will turn out
swimmingly tomorrow, for you...

And for us.

Where's Dave? Over by the kettle.

Dave: Yes! One minute, 35 seconds.
Pay the man.

Dave, the technician's here.
There's a problem

with the latest satellite
pictures of the Clinton gala.

Apparently, Michael Jackson's
skin colour looks natural.

Can you deal with it?

Item 12 is now a report from
a prison on overcrowding.

Oh, well, Sally should do that.

While she's there, she
could choose her cell.

Dave laughs

my god, George, I've never
seen so many drugs.

Who is your gp, general noriega?

Dr Murray.

You know, I think he regards me
as a bit of a hypochondriac.

Last week, he told me not to bother
coming into the surgery any more,

just write down my latest
symptoms and fax them through.

What are you doing?

Well, I'm planning this
piece on computer dating,

so I've put in their software
with our staff records

to see who pairs with who.

See, it's got you matched
with Joe McBride's wife.

You know, Pam in accounts,
which is quite funny, really.

Why is that funny? Because
you're screwing her, aren't ya?

That's supposed to be a secret!

Oh, don't be silly, Dave,
the whole office knows.

You're lying. Joy.

Joe McBride's wife, what's
her office nickname?

Dave's Willy-warmer.

I don't believe this!

You haven't told Joe about me and
Pam, have you? No, I have not.

The cleaner's told him.

He's not bothered, though, cos
he's shagging Laura in transport.

You know, bill the sound man's piece.

The one that you had the
thing with after...

Susan. Susan!

Oh, honestly, all this stupid gossip.

You lot should grow up.
You're like a bunch of kids.

No, we're not. Don't be ridiculous.

Right, which one of you
drew arrows on my jacket!?

Lauren, you're the only
woman I've ever loved,

and goddamn it, I'm asking
you to marry me again.

Oh, look...

Oh, Henry, get up.

Ah...

I-I'm touched, but our marriage
wasn't a great success, was it?

Look, I was young then.
Things are different now.

I've grown up, I've matured.

Ah, yes, that's easy to explain.
It was just a publicity photo.

I don't even know the girl's name.

So, nothing new there.

Oh, listen, Henry.

We had our chance.

You can't turn the clock back.

No.

No, you're right.

I cut an absurd figure
these days, don't I?

Sort of Peter Pan in a zimmer frame.

She giggles

flitting between giggling
bimbos, and yet the...

The one woman who could
have made me happy, I...

He tuts come in, Henry.

Have a drink for old time's sake, hm?

No, uh...

I'll be all right.

You're not gonna do
anything silly, are you?

Course not, what do you take me for?

Where the hell is Henry?
It's quarter to 11!

Don't panic. Who says I'm panicking?
I'm not panicking.

Where are my valium? In your hand.
Oh, yes.

Ooh, no. These are paracetamol.

Where the hell is Dave?!

Have you ever thought of just
getting by without all this junk?

No, if I stop taking these,
heaven knows what would happen.

Well, ici would go bust, for a start.

What are you doing? I'm going to
lock this lot up in my drawer.

Ah, no. It's worth a try, George.
You know I'm right.

Helen. Yes?

Thanks for caring.

Don't mention it.

As Camilla: "Don't be so silly,
I've never achieved anything."

As Charles: "Oh, yes, you
have." "No, I haven't."

"Your great achievement is, uh...
to love me."

"My darling..." For god's sake!

People, stop reading this transcript!

Parts of it made me feel quite sick.

Well, it's the husband
I feel sorry for.

Because of the humiliation? No,
cos he has to pay the phone bill.

Well, reading it,

you can't but help feel that
Charles is in love with her.

Yes. Sad, isn't it?

When a man embroiled
in a loveless marriage

pines for his true soulmate.

Yeah, right, well, new number eight!

Well, butt-kickers. What's
cooking in headline...?

Where's Henry? He hasn't come in yet.

Well, why hasn't he come in yet?
I don't know.

Hang on, I'll communicate
with him telepathically (!)

I don't think sarcasm's
appropriate, Helen.

After all, if Henry doesn't show,

we've got no-one to read
the lunchtime bulletin.

Sally's at the inland
revenue for her...

Friendly chat.

Let's go through this again.

You say you were completely unaware
that your accountant, mr webb,

was rigging your accounts

so you could avoid paying
considerable amounts of income tax?

That's right.

Well, it was like Norman lamont
and his legal fees business.

I had no idea what was going on.

I'm as ignorant as he is.

Yeah...

..I think I can believe that.

It's a shame we can't
confirm your version,

as your accountant is on an extended
sabbatical somewhere in Paraguay.

We can't track him down.

Oh, what a pity.

Brilliant (!)

No Henry, no Sally, no Dave, shambles!

The funny thing is, I don't
feel at all stressed about it.

Good. And I reckon that's down to you
locking my pills away like that.

Aloha, Hawaii!

David! You are nearly
three hours late for work

and I'm fining you a day's wages.

Fair enough. Dave laughs

you don't seem to be
taking me very seriously.

No, I don't, do I, gussy baby?

Right! A week's wages.

Oh, call it a month. Why piss about?

Helen, could you try and introduce
the remotest semblance of discipline

into this office? Well,
I have to say, Gus...

I'm sorry I'm late, shabbies,

but I've been out celebrating
after six doggies came in

last night on my accumulator,
making me richer by �36,000.

All exclaim

now, all I have to do is get
my betting slip off Henry,

collect my winnings -
it's champagne all round.

Appreciative murmuring where
is Henry, by the way?

He hasn't come in yet.

Well, it's only 45
minutes to lunchtime.

Old Henry, he's a dog, eh?

He'll be here in a minute.

Yeah, no problem, he'll
be here in a minute.

�36,000.

�36,000!

Dave, if we could have just
1% of your brain space,

only we do have a minor hiccup here.

Namely a news bulletin
without a newsreader.

�36,000!

So, looking at the evidence,

it seems clear we have
to implement the law

and launch a criminal prosecution.

Against your accountant.

We have no alternative but
to accept your assertion

that you were an unwitting
party to the fraud.

Oh, thank you.

Thank you. You're a wonderful man!
Thank you.

Of course, you do still owe the
tax liability that was concealed.

Well, of course. And I will pay it.

In fact, it will be a
pleasure to pay it.

How much does it come to?

�211,603.48

of course, you can phase payment.
We'll give you six months.

Jean, would you send for the nurse?
That's another one gone into shock.

Right, the bulletin's sorted.

Des, the new sports
correspondent, is going to do it.

Oh, the one who was sacked from gmtv
for refusing to Polish his teeth.

No, we won't need des.
Henry'll be here in a minute.

He'll come through that door safe
and sound. With my betting slip.

He's ok. More on Clinton - he
says one of his objectives

is to make sure he still has
time for his daughter, Chelsea.

Funny name to give her.

Bit dangerous, if you ask me. Eh?

Well, all it needs is for major
to ring Clinton on a Saturday,

you know, and say, "hello, bill.

"Do you know, I've just
spent the last 90 minutes

"watching Chelsea getting
a real spanking."

And that's war.

Now, there's Bosnia. God knows
how we're going to cover it.

Looks like this war's gonna run
on longer than the ariston ad.

Well... we've gotta put it
in the evening bulletin,

so we're just going to have to
work out what the angle is.

I know what it is. What?

Henry's broken down.

He's stuck somewhere,
that's what it is.

He said his Bentley was playing up.
Oh, for goodness sake.

He'll roll up in a second, you'll see.
Can't be long. Any minute now.

I think I'll go and wait
for him in reception.

What are you doing?

I'm still experimenting
with this computer dating.

I keep trying to find
Gus's perfect partner,

but it just keeps matching
him with himself.

Have you, er, tried pairing me?

Yep. It matched you with Helen.

Right!

Yeah, a load of old
guff, really, isn't it?

Oh, Sally, am I glad to see you!

You can read the lunchtime bulletin.

Or perhaps we'll stick with des.

Gus, Sally's back.

What's the matter with her?
I don't know.

Perhaps she needs new batteries?
Please!

If people can't say anything
helpful, just be quiet.

�211,603.48.

That's what I've got to pay.

�211,603.48.

Hey...

Come on, Sally.

You'll find the money.

Look, if you like, um...

Well, I could help you out financially.

Good boy, Damien.

Here's the 48p!

Laughter

well, we've got to lead
with Saddam's ceasefire.

He's offered to stop attacking
our missiles with his factories,

and then there's still Norman
lamont and the sex therapist.

What exactly does a sex therapist do?

I don't know, why?

Oh, nothing.

Just, uh... just
something Margaret said.

Incidentally, Sally won't be in today.

The doctor says she's still in shock,

and besides, she's locked
herself in the wardrobe. So...

I know, I know, I'm sorry I'm late.
I've been on Henry's trail.

Last person to see him was Lauren.

Apparently he proposed to her
on Monday night - she said no.

Oh, dear. I hope he hasn't
taken it too badly.

Well, he looked very down.
Wouldn't surprise me

if he was lying drowned at the
bottom of a lake somewhere.

That is a terrible thing to say. Yes.

He's got my betting slip in his pocket.

�36,000 just waiting for
me, I can't believe it.

Where are your valium, George?

Still locked safely in Helen's drawer.

It's amazing how much
more relaxed I feel.

For instance, today, I'm
supposed to be out of the house,

but I know Margaret will be
reasonable, so I've decided just...

Not to worry about it. Yeah, right,
so you don't need your valium?

Dave, pills are crutches
for emotional cripples.

Henry!

Are you all right? Oh, Henry, Henry!
Yes...

Oh, Henry!

Mm! Mwah!

Am I pleased to see you? Listen,
that accumulator you placed for me,

they all came in. I won 36 grand.
Brilliant!

Just gimme the ticket, I can go
and collect. Oh, right, yes.

Last time I saw it, it was
in your trousers, um...

You're, um...

You're wearing tracksuit
bottoms, Henry.

Yes, I had to borrow these from
some bloke at Glasgow airport.

I lost my trousers...
Somewhere, I'm not sure where.

Uh...

Chuckles nervously

yeah, but, um... my betting
slip isn't still in them?

Oh, I don't believe this.
Henry, where have you been?

Well, I went as far as Glasgow

where I went on the most
enormous bender. All right...

All right, let's make a list of
where your trousers could be.

Let's retrace your steps. Ok, ok.

The bar at the Glasgow Hilton.

Then Henderson's wine bar.

The black cat blue movie club.

Someone's flat. Had a pink door...

Urinals in the west stand at ibrox.

Um... a skip somewhere in kelvinside.

And then, finally, the pilot's
lounge at Glasgow airport.

Ok, so, your trousers could
be at one of these 46 places.

Ok, if I rush, I could
catch the noon shuttle.

Oh, Henry, so good of you
to put in an appearance.

Where's he been?

Oh, my god!

You didn't bump into any
journalists, did you?

Actually, I remember there was
a nosy bastard from the sun

in a drinking club, kept
asking me questions. Oh, no.

But don't worry, Gus, he
won't be writing anything.

Good. I punched his lights out! Yagh!

Surprised if he's even come round yet.

Grief! You know who I
blame for this debacle?

Not Helen again? Oh, no. You, George!

You're pitiful and pathetic.

Have you no control over this
riff-raff you call your staff?

I'm on my way. Joy: George,
delivery for you downstairs.

Six crates with your belongings in.
Margaret's just dropped them off.

Oh, no.

Divorced, and now homeless.

Why does god always pick on me?

Well, because... you're George.

Mr Davenport. Oh, yes, yes?
I'm from the Hilton.

Our Glasgow branch sent this down
red star. It's your trousers.

Oh, thank you, that's very kind.

They found them wrapped around the
lightning conductor on the roof.

Oh, yes, I remember now.

�36,000, come to papa.

They were a bit stained, I'm afraid,
so we cleaned them for you.

You dry-cleaned them? That's lovely!

No, we bunged them through
the machine wash.

I'm sorry about that, I hope
it wasn't anything important.

Is he all right? Ok, give him some air.
Dave, come to the window.

Yeah, that's a good idea.
I can jump from there.

That's very kind of you. Do I owe
you anything for your trouble?

On the house. There
were some underpants,

but we didn't think anything
could be done for them.

Oh, right.

Bye, then.

I'm just taking Dave into
our office to lie down.

Hey, maybe that wasn't
the betting slip.

That's it, it'll be
in the other pocket.

Check the other pocket, will you?

Right, now, come on, just
come and sit down here.

Oh, hello.

I was just, uh...

Trying to ease this drawer for you.

Sticks a bit sometimes.

You know, this whole thing
has opened my eyes.

I lost the only woman I
ever loved 15 years ago,

and since then, I've been wasting my
life on a procession of soulless,

empty one-night stands.

Well, I've learned my lesson.
As of today, all that stops.

You know, I think I've
finally grown up.

What's my name doing on there?

Oh, it's a new computer
dating programme.

It's matched you with that
new aussie receptionist.

And her phone number is?

George: Ah, right, Henry, here's
a list of what's breaking:

Government reversing the mine closures.
Henry: An abject u-turn.

Bottomley's not going to
close Bart's hospital.

A double u-turn with backflip.

Macgregor's to limit
rail privatisation.

A double u-turn with
backflip and triple salchow.

Henry, please! Can you try
to be a bit less abusive?

Let's start again.

Michael heseltine, the pits...

No-one's arguing with you there, George.
Dear, oh dear.

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