Original subtitles

'And now, drop the dead donkey.

'This episode was first shown in January '93.

'In a week when us missiles killed two staff in a Baghdad hotel,

'Norman lamont faced criticism over who paid his legal fees

'and the infamous camillagate tape surfaced, in which prince Charles

'allegedly aspired to become a female sanitary product.'

ok, lead item - got to be Iraq.

Us surgical strike against two hotel receptionists.

And item five, this has come in -

prince Charles has had a security sweep done at highgrove

looking for listening devices.

Oh, shit!

What?

Nothing!

Isn't Henry back from lunch yet?

I want a serious interface with him

about downsizing our negative publicity quotient.

"Subtitles available on ceefax."

I mean, just look at this -

a huge photo of Henry dribbling down the cleavage

of some sizzling senorita from eldorado. It's sickening!

Now, if Henry comes back...

Henry...

I want to talk to you about your lifestyle.

Yes, magnificent, isn't it?

Look at this. Just what do you think you're doing?

Well, I'm putting my head between her breasts

and I'm going... Imitates drooling

oh, for god's sake!

You are bringing this company to disrepute.

Henry chuckles now go out and acquire some dignity!

Are you all right, George?

No, not really. Had to go to the dentist this morning.

I don't think he was very taken with our coverage of the dentist dispute.

He said he couldn't afford anaesthetic.

Kept asking me if I'd seen marathon man.

Anyway, if that's all, I suppose...

Oh, yes.

Dave, I just wanted a quick word.

It's about your gambling.

Oh, now, good news. I found a sure-fire way to control that.

From now on, I promise there will be no more

constant nipping out of the office to place those silly little bets.

Oh, great. I'm gonna do one big accumulator instead.

It's longer odds, but if I hit, it's, "aloha, Hawaii."

Is that all you wanted me for?

Well, I'll be getting on, then. Thanks for the chat.

I hardly think that that deals with your problem.

Listen, I don't have a gambling problem.

Dave, yesterday you lost 40 quid

on how long it would take for the kettle to boil.

I know, I was so unlucky.

I will end up ahead, believe me.

Henry, did you place that six-way accumulator for me? Oh, yeah, yeah.

Got the ticket? Uh, yes.

Dave, this problem is getting completely out of control.

Henry, someone called Lauren's on her way up to see you.

God, Lauren?! Do I look all right?

Who's Lauren? It's Henry's first wife.

They were married for five years.

Oh, she must be on day release from the asylum.

Henry Davenport. Come here, you repulsive reprobate!

Mwah. Aw!

This is Lauren, everyone. The sexiest woman in the world,

and the only one I know who can down a bottle of cointreau

while balancing a barstool on her nose.

How feminine (!)

You must be yorkie bar.

Yorkie bar?

The one who's so popular with lorry drivers.

Henry, dear, we need to talk. Yes, of course.

George, can we borrow your office? Yes, fine.

Is this worth the trip?

"Concern over plans to fly plutonium into the uk

"in flasks that only withstand a drop of 27 feet.

"Flights are gonna be top secret."

It would be a bit of a giveaway, wouldn't it?

When a plane enters our airspace flying at a height of 26 feet?

Joy, my period's come a day early.

I don't suppose you've got any spare...? Oh, right, yeah, hang on.

Got a box of prince Charlies in my bag.

So, you're remarrying? That's right.

David is gorgeous, funny and kind and...

She chuckles ..Well, just fantastic.

You're not upset, are you?

No! No, of course not. I wish you every happiness.

I do hope there isn't going to be any unpleasantness.

Well, I doubt it. Henry's still in love with her.

How can you tell?

Body language. She walked in and his face lit up like windsor castle.

Poor Henry.

What tangled webs we weave.

How are things with Margaret?

Oh, still very civilised.

We had a really good talk at the weekend,

and we decided that it's better if we go our separate ways.

Put the past behind us in a reasonable and mature way.

And then Margaret rang pickfords and I move out Wednesday.

Well, thank you, Henry.

You know, that's the first time

we've sat together on a sofa and stayed upright.

Anyway, god bless.

Bye, everyone. Bye. See ya.

See you on the 30th, fruit drop.

So, er, what's on the 30th, "fruit drop"?

She's marrying again. She's got no family, so...

She's asked me to give her away.

Well, that's... nice.

Yeah, yes, it's-it's lovely.

It's, uh, marvellous.

And rather moving, really.

To think you'll be there in the church wishing her "bon voyage",

as she sails off to spend the rest of her life with the man she loves.

I think you're showing enormous dignity, Henry.

Well done. Shut up, you little prick!

Well, that's charming (!)

You try to be nice to people

and they just shout obscenities in your face.

Might as well be at home.

My god, is there anyone working here with a normal private life?

Well, I'm normal.

Compared to who? Caligula?

Sally, could we interlock brain spaces in my work area for a moment?

Which one was caligula?

Hm, he murdered his mother, married his sister

and then ate the baby.

Ah.

Why can't we have stories like that now, eh?

"Charles tops queen and eats princess Anne's lovechild."

Andrew Neil's already run that one, hasn't he?

Sally, just a tactical chat here,

regarding your interview tomorrow at the inland revenue,

about your little tax difficulties.

How were you, um, thinking of handling it?

Well, I thought I'd just be myself.

Splendid!

I think it might be prudent

if the version of yourself that you decide to be is the...

Humbler, cooperative one.

After all, we don't want any little PR hiccups

like a prison sentence or anything like that.

Prison sentence?

Well, they wouldn't send me to prison. I'm a celebrity.

Absolutely. Of course. Yes, I'm sure you're right.

And I expect Lester piggott was just unlucky.

Anyway!

Not to worry.

I'm sure everything will turn out swimmingly tomorrow, for you...

And for us.

Where's Dave? Over by the kettle.

Dave: Yes! One minute, 35 seconds. Pay the man.

Dave, the technician's here. There's a problem

with the latest satellite pictures of the Clinton gala.

Apparently, Michael Jackson's skin colour looks natural.

Can you deal with it?

Item 12 is now a report from a prison on overcrowding.

Oh, well, Sally should do that.

While she's there, she could choose her cell.

Dave laughs

my god, George, I've never seen so many drugs.

Who is your gp, general noriega?

Dr Murray.

You know, I think he regards me as a bit of a hypochondriac.

Last week, he told me not to bother coming into the surgery any more,

just write down my latest symptoms and fax them through.

What are you doing?

Well, I'm planning this piece on computer dating,

so I've put in their software with our staff records

to see who pairs with who.

See, it's got you matched with Joe McBride's wife.

You know, Pam in accounts, which is quite funny, really.

Why is that funny? Because you're screwing her, aren't ya?

That's supposed to be a secret!

Oh, don't be silly, Dave, the whole office knows.

You're lying. Joy.

Joe McBride's wife, what's her office nickname?

Dave's Willy-warmer.

I don't believe this!

You haven't told Joe about me and Pam, have you? No, I have not.

The cleaner's told him.

He's not bothered, though, cos he's shagging Laura in transport.

You know, bill the sound man's piece.

The one that you had the thing with after...

Susan. Susan!

Oh, honestly, all this stupid gossip.

You lot should grow up. You're like a bunch of kids.

No, we're not. Don't be ridiculous.

Right, which one of you drew arrows on my jacket!?

Lauren, you're the only woman I've ever loved,

and goddamn it, I'm asking you to marry me again.

Oh, look...

Oh, Henry, get up.

Ah...

I-I'm touched, but our marriage wasn't a great success, was it?

Look, I was young then. Things are different now.

I've grown up, I've matured.

Ah, yes, that's easy to explain. It was just a publicity photo.

I don't even know the girl's name.

So, nothing new there.

Oh, listen, Henry.

We had our chance.

You can't turn the clock back.

No.

No, you're right.

I cut an absurd figure these days, don't I?

Sort of Peter Pan in a zimmer frame.

She giggles

flitting between giggling bimbos, and yet the...

The one woman who could have made me happy, I...

He tuts come in, Henry.

Have a drink for old time's sake, hm?

No, uh...

I'll be all right.

You're not gonna do anything silly, are you?

Course not, what do you take me for?

Where the hell is Henry? It's quarter to 11!

Don't panic. Who says I'm panicking? I'm not panicking.

Where are my valium? In your hand. Oh, yes.

Ooh, no. These are paracetamol.

Where the hell is Dave?!

Have you ever thought of just getting by without all this junk?

No, if I stop taking these, heaven knows what would happen.

Well, ici would go bust, for a start.

What are you doing? I'm going to lock this lot up in my drawer.

Ah, no. It's worth a try, George. You know I'm right.

Helen. Yes?

Thanks for caring.

Don't mention it.

As Camilla: "Don't be so silly, I've never achieved anything."

As Charles: "Oh, yes, you have." "No, I haven't."

"Your great achievement is, uh... to love me."

"My darling..." For god's sake!

People, stop reading this transcript!

Parts of it made me feel quite sick.

Well, it's the husband I feel sorry for.

Because of the humiliation? No, cos he has to pay the phone bill.

Well, reading it,

you can't but help feel that Charles is in love with her.

Yes. Sad, isn't it?

When a man embroiled in a loveless marriage

pines for his true soulmate.

Yeah, right, well, new number eight!

Well, butt-kickers. What's cooking in headline...?

Where's Henry? He hasn't come in yet.

Well, why hasn't he come in yet? I don't know.

Hang on, I'll communicate with him telepathically (!)

I don't think sarcasm's appropriate, Helen.

After all, if Henry doesn't show,

we've got no-one to read the lunchtime bulletin.

Sally's at the inland revenue for her...

Friendly chat.

Let's go through this again.

You say you were completely unaware that your accountant, mr webb,

was rigging your accounts

so you could avoid paying considerable amounts of income tax?

That's right.

Well, it was like Norman lamont and his legal fees business.

I had no idea what was going on.

I'm as ignorant as he is.

Yeah...

..I think I can believe that.

It's a shame we can't confirm your version,

as your accountant is on an extended sabbatical somewhere in Paraguay.

We can't track him down.

Oh, what a pity.

Brilliant (!)

No Henry, no Sally, no Dave, shambles!

The funny thing is, I don't feel at all stressed about it.

Good. And I reckon that's down to you locking my pills away like that.

Aloha, Hawaii!

David! You are nearly three hours late for work

and I'm fining you a day's wages.

Fair enough. Dave laughs

you don't seem to be taking me very seriously.

No, I don't, do I, gussy baby?

Right! A week's wages.

Oh, call it a month. Why piss about?

Helen, could you try and introduce the remotest semblance of discipline

into this office? Well, I have to say, Gus...

I'm sorry I'm late, shabbies,

but I've been out celebrating after six doggies came in

last night on my accumulator, making me richer by �36,000.

All exclaim

now, all I have to do is get my betting slip off Henry,

collect my winnings - it's champagne all round.

Appreciative murmuring where is Henry, by the way?

He hasn't come in yet.

Well, it's only 45 minutes to lunchtime.

Old Henry, he's a dog, eh?

He'll be here in a minute.

Yeah, no problem, he'll be here in a minute.

�36,000.

�36,000!

Dave, if we could have just 1% of your brain space,

only we do have a minor hiccup here.

Namely a news bulletin without a newsreader.

�36,000!

So, looking at the evidence,

it seems clear we have to implement the law

and launch a criminal prosecution.

Against your accountant.

We have no alternative but to accept your assertion

that you were an unwitting party to the fraud.

Oh, thank you.

Thank you. You're a wonderful man! Thank you.

Of course, you do still owe the tax liability that was concealed.

Well, of course. And I will pay it.

In fact, it will be a pleasure to pay it.

How much does it come to?

�211,603.48

of course, you can phase payment. We'll give you six months.

Jean, would you send for the nurse? That's another one gone into shock.

Right, the bulletin's sorted.

Des, the new sports correspondent, is going to do it.

Oh, the one who was sacked from gmtv for refusing to Polish his teeth.

No, we won't need des. Henry'll be here in a minute.

He'll come through that door safe and sound. With my betting slip.

He's ok. More on Clinton - he says one of his objectives

is to make sure he still has time for his daughter, Chelsea.

Funny name to give her.

Bit dangerous, if you ask me. Eh?

Well, all it needs is for major to ring Clinton on a Saturday,

you know, and say, "hello, bill.

"Do you know, I've just spent the last 90 minutes

"watching Chelsea getting a real spanking."

And that's war.

Now, there's Bosnia. God knows how we're going to cover it.

Looks like this war's gonna run on longer than the ariston ad.

Well... we've gotta put it in the evening bulletin,

so we're just going to have to work out what the angle is.

I know what it is. What?

Henry's broken down.

He's stuck somewhere, that's what it is.

He said his Bentley was playing up. Oh, for goodness sake.

He'll roll up in a second, you'll see. Can't be long. Any minute now.

I think I'll go and wait for him in reception.

What are you doing?

I'm still experimenting with this computer dating.

I keep trying to find Gus's perfect partner,

but it just keeps matching him with himself.

Have you, er, tried pairing me?

Yep. It matched you with Helen.

Right!

Yeah, a load of old guff, really, isn't it?

Oh, Sally, am I glad to see you!

You can read the lunchtime bulletin.

Or perhaps we'll stick with des.

Gus, Sally's back.

What's the matter with her? I don't know.

Perhaps she needs new batteries? Please!

If people can't say anything helpful, just be quiet.

�211,603.48.

That's what I've got to pay.

�211,603.48.

Hey...

Come on, Sally.

You'll find the money.

Look, if you like, um...

Well, I could help you out financially.

Good boy, Damien.

Here's the 48p!

Laughter

well, we've got to lead with Saddam's ceasefire.

He's offered to stop attacking our missiles with his factories,

and then there's still Norman lamont and the sex therapist.

What exactly does a sex therapist do?

I don't know, why?

Oh, nothing.

Just, uh... just something Margaret said.

Incidentally, Sally won't be in today.

The doctor says she's still in shock,

and besides, she's locked herself in the wardrobe. So...

I know, I know, I'm sorry I'm late. I've been on Henry's trail.

Last person to see him was Lauren.

Apparently he proposed to her on Monday night - she said no.

Oh, dear. I hope he hasn't taken it too badly.

Well, he looked very down. Wouldn't surprise me

if he was lying drowned at the bottom of a lake somewhere.

That is a terrible thing to say. Yes.

He's got my betting slip in his pocket.

�36,000 just waiting for me, I can't believe it.

Where are your valium, George?

Still locked safely in Helen's drawer.

It's amazing how much more relaxed I feel.

For instance, today, I'm supposed to be out of the house,

but I know Margaret will be reasonable, so I've decided just...

Not to worry about it. Yeah, right, so you don't need your valium?

Dave, pills are crutches for emotional cripples.

Henry!

Are you all right? Oh, Henry, Henry! Yes...

Oh, Henry!

Mm! Mwah!

Am I pleased to see you? Listen, that accumulator you placed for me,

they all came in. I won 36 grand. Brilliant!

Just gimme the ticket, I can go and collect. Oh, right, yes.

Last time I saw it, it was in your trousers, um...

You're, um...

You're wearing tracksuit bottoms, Henry.

Yes, I had to borrow these from some bloke at Glasgow airport.

I lost my trousers... Somewhere, I'm not sure where.

Uh...

Chuckles nervously

yeah, but, um... my betting slip isn't still in them?

Oh, I don't believe this. Henry, where have you been?

Well, I went as far as Glasgow

where I went on the most enormous bender. All right...

All right, let's make a list of where your trousers could be.

Let's retrace your steps. Ok, ok.

The bar at the Glasgow Hilton.

Then Henderson's wine bar.

The black cat blue movie club.

Someone's flat. Had a pink door...

Urinals in the west stand at ibrox.

Um... a skip somewhere in kelvinside.

And then, finally, the pilot's lounge at Glasgow airport.

Ok, so, your trousers could be at one of these 46 places.

Ok, if I rush, I could catch the noon shuttle.

Oh, Henry, so good of you to put in an appearance.

Where's he been?

Oh, my god!

You didn't bump into any journalists, did you?

Actually, I remember there was a nosy bastard from the sun

in a drinking club, kept asking me questions. Oh, no.

But don't worry, Gus, he won't be writing anything.

Good. I punched his lights out! Yagh!

Surprised if he's even come round yet.

Grief! You know who I blame for this debacle?

Not Helen again? Oh, no. You, George!

You're pitiful and pathetic.

Have you no control over this riff-raff you call your staff?

I'm on my way. Joy: George, delivery for you downstairs.

Six crates with your belongings in. Margaret's just dropped them off.

Oh, no.

Divorced, and now homeless.

Why does god always pick on me?

Well, because... you're George.

Mr Davenport. Oh, yes, yes? I'm from the Hilton.

Our Glasgow branch sent this down red star. It's your trousers.

Oh, thank you, that's very kind.

They found them wrapped around the lightning conductor on the roof.

Oh, yes, I remember now.

�36,000, come to papa.

They were a bit stained, I'm afraid, so we cleaned them for you.

You dry-cleaned them? That's lovely!

No, we bunged them through the machine wash.

I'm sorry about that, I hope it wasn't anything important.

Is he all right? Ok, give him some air. Dave, come to the window.

Yeah, that's a good idea. I can jump from there.

That's very kind of you. Do I owe you anything for your trouble?

On the house. There were some underpants,

but we didn't think anything could be done for them.

Oh, right.

Bye, then.

I'm just taking Dave into our office to lie down.

Hey, maybe that wasn't the betting slip.

That's it, it'll be in the other pocket.

Check the other pocket, will you?

Right, now, come on, just come and sit down here.

Oh, hello.

I was just, uh...

Trying to ease this drawer for you.

Sticks a bit sometimes.

You know, this whole thing has opened my eyes.

I lost the only woman I ever loved 15 years ago,

and since then, I've been wasting my life on a procession of soulless,

empty one-night stands.

Well, I've learned my lesson. As of today, all that stops.

You know, I think I've finally grown up.

What's my name doing on there?

Oh, it's a new computer dating programme.

It's matched you with that new aussie receptionist.

And her phone number is?

George: Ah, right, Henry, here's a list of what's breaking:

Government reversing the mine closures. Henry: An abject u-turn.

Bottomley's not going to close Bart's hospital.

A double u-turn with backflip.

Macgregor's to limit rail privatisation.

A double u-turn with backflip and triple salchow.

Henry, please! Can you try to be a bit less abusive?

Let's start again.

Michael heseltine, the pits...

No-one's arguing with you there, George. Dear, oh dear.

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