Original subtitles

'And now, drop the dead donkey.

'This episode was first shown in January '93,

'when controversy surrounded the calcutt report on curbing the press,

'the collapse of royal marriages,

'and British airways poaching of passengers.'

and out on a window ledge above me, 15 storeys high,

a man is threatening to hurl himself onto the pavement

if the council go ahead with his eviction order.

The police have...

No. No, it's all too dull.

Unless we get lucky and he jumps,

and we get the old "entrails on the pavement" shot.

Look, I know. Gerry, come on.

Gerry, quick. I don't think this is a good idea.

We can sneak in before they throw us out.

That's it, just here. Damien.

It's a better shot. Look, pan up.

See, much dizzier.

And out on a window ledge above me, 15 storeys high,

a man is threatening...

Bloody hell!

Oh, you're watching that. Mm-hmm.

How is Gerry? Out of hospital.

They reckon what saved him was the metal plate he has in his head

from Damien's "how dangerous are rubber bullets?" Piece.

Yes.

Helen, I just wanted to say how much I appreciate the way you've

already halved my workload. It's made a huge difference.

Some evenings now, I'm getting home by 9:30.

It's done wonders for my stress symptoms.

You've completely unblocked my sinuses.

George, you say the nicest things.

Please, it needed saying.

George.

I've got some reactions to the calcutt report.

Kelvin MacKenzie says he's not having some clapped-out judge

telling him what to put on the front page of the sun.

No, that's Rupert Murdoch's job.

So you're saying it won't be liable for tax

if I put 70% into offshore funds in the Seychelles. Right.

And you'll find out how soon I can chop that forest down

without losing that tax exemption? Lovely. Bye, jocelyn.

Why beat around the bush?

Why not just go out and mug some blind children?

Jealous, Henry?

If you had a top-notch accountant like me,

you wouldn't be experiencing your money problems.

I hear you're selling the boat?

Yes, I should get 30 grand for it.

Should just about get me out of this hole.

Damn thing has been costing me as much as all my ex-wives

and their bloody maintenance.

God almighty, I reckon it worked out about �300 a shag.

Morning, hotshots.

Are we cooking with napalm? You bet. Terrific.

Now, as you know, I'm not here. Right. In that case...

But there is just something I'd like to pop into your percolators

to see if it comes out brown.

Studio interview technique. We've had a couple of complaints.

Tory central office felt that last week

Henry was a bit hard on Peter lilley.

You can't be too hard on Peter lilley.

Gus, the man is slimier than a tapeworm's douchebag.

He just wouldn't answer the question.

All right, all right.

All I'm saying is, we have got sir Teddy Taylor

and Ken livingstone coming in on Thursday.

I've told you, Gus, I'm taking care of the interview.

Terrific. Well, let's keep knee-capping the opposition.

An ec directive is insisting battery hens be given more room.

I should think so.

Even dumb creatures have a right to sufficient space.

You're absolutely right.

There is one more thing.

I asked Helen to take a fresh look at our working procedures,

which she has done, of course, extremely rapidly.

I'm sure you're all looking forward to her findings.

What the hell do you mean by this?

Should concentrate on content rather than excitement.

Are you suggesting I spend all my time ambulance chasing?

If only to flag them down for your cameraman.

I have supplied this station with some of its most compelling footage.

Like your report on that man sentenced to the electric chair?

That was great television.

Do you really think it was right to leave the radio mic on

throughout the entire execution?

That was justified in order to show the full horror of judicial murder.

Anyway, I couldn't use any of it.

All that voltage played havoc with the reception. But the point is...

Damien, I'm not looking for a confrontation, so put in a memo, ok?

What's the meaning of this, Helen?

News readers rosters cannot be altered for individual convenience.

I'm referring to the way that you are consistently making yourself

unavailable for the evening broadcast every Friday and Saturday.

It so he can do his after-dinner speeches. It's totally unfair.

Oh, go back to defrauding the inland revenue, tight-arse.

Listen, right now, I need the income from those speeches.

I'm sorry, but I can't let someone dictate their schedule.

Quite right. Well done, Helen.

Putting a stop to these sloppy, unprofessional practices.

Have you read the bit about promotional appearances?

Promotional appearances?

Well, I do feel the large number of supermarkets you open,

your exercise videos and your book of cosmetic hints for pets

all compromise your credibility as a news reader.

Now, you listen to me, little miss rule book...

Sally's got that strange look in her eye.

Reminds me of Margaret the time we had that big row in bejams

and she concussed me with a frozen turkey.

So how are things on the home front?

Quite civilised, really.

Margaret brought me up a cup of tea this morning.

Along with the divorce papers.

Oh, and there's some good news about Deborah.

Because we were worried that she was on drugs,

and it turns out she wasn't. Oh, that is good.

She was just selling them.

Oh, my god, what was she selling? Valium.

I did wonder where all my bottles had gone to.

..And possible legal action.

So, Helen Jack-boot features, what do you say to that?

I say that promotional appearances are forbidden in this,

your contract.

Now, I suggest you go and sit in the corner

and find someone to read to you.

Helen.

We do rather appear to have an ongoing entanglement situation here.

This report of yours does seem to be raising rather a lot of questions.

For instance, I'm not clear about the meaning of this paragraph here.

Well, that's just a point for discussion, you know.

As to whether your attending editorial meetings

is the most effective use of your time.

Well, actually, you see,

I have a very important function at those meetings

good. And that is?

Well, I'm a sort of hands-off, eyes-on,

overview-ish, non-participatory sort of hands...

I'll get back to you on this.

Terrific, Helen, you keep up the good work.

Cunning bitch.

Gus, this damn report.

Yes, how do you feel about that, Henry?

I feel about as happy as a pregnant hippo with piles.

Now, are you going to do something about it?

I'd love to, but it's all really down to Helen.

I don't feel I can interfere.

We must have a chat sometime about how you feel she is fitting in.

More rows about this benetton ad.

The one that shows a sea bird covered in oil.

Oh, it's enough to make you sick.

Now, there's an idea. Someone should go into one of their shops,

throw up over the jumpers and say,

"how's that for the united colours of benetton?"

That's odd. What is?

Well, I've just typed up the running order and apparently

I'm on British airways flight 731 to New York.

Hell's bells! What's up?

My boat is only worth 15 thou.

Apparently, there's a crack in the hull from the time

I got rat-arsed and played chicken with that supertanker.

Peace treaty in yugoslavia's confirmed. That's number 47.

No, joy, this is a genuine, lasting peace plan.

Ah, there's only been 16 of them.

Joy, what are you doing to my plant?

No wonder it's dead. It's not.

It's showing the green shoots of recovery.

Not a bad bulletin this evening, eh? Passable, I suppose.

I thought you looked very good in that jacket.

Yes, and...?

Nothing.

Just, you look very nice in it.

Have you been drinking?

Good heavens, no.

I'm just complimenting you on your good taste.

You have been drinking. I have not been drinking!

I am merely trying to have a friendly chat

about things like...

Oh, I know what I meant to ask you.

You haven't possibly your accountant's number, have you?

What would you want that for, Henry?

Well, I was wondering if I could...

Oh, I see.

Well, I'm afraid jocelyn doesn't take on anyone.

He needs a personal recommendation.

Yes, well, I suppose I'd have to get one of those.

Yes, you would.

Would you like me to recommend you, Henry?

Well, yes, that would be very kind.

Well, I'm sure I could do that, only you were very rude to me earlier.

Was I? Yes, very rude.

I see. Well, obviously, about that, er...

I'm, um, I'm very...

I'm deeply... yes, Henry.

I'm sorry.

I didn't quite catch that.

I'm sorry, I'm bloody well sorry!

I accept your grovelling apology. I'll speak to jocelyn. Good night.

I had my fingers crossed, all right?

Loads more attacks on Charles.

Fancy being criticised for sleeping with someone else's wife.

Honestly, I don't know what the world is coming to.

I'll get onto our royal correspondent.

There's this memo from jockstrap defining his function

at editorial meetings. Jockstrap?

That Gus' nickname. Well, why do you call him jockstrap?

Because he's full of bollocks.

Suppose I haven't got a nickname here yet, have I?

No.

Listen, Helen, I was thinking, this report of yours,

you don't think maybe you're running at things a bit fast, do you?

What things?

Well, like over Henry's after-dinner speeches.

I'm sorry but to make an exception would be unfair. Sally's right.

No, we never say that. Sally's right.

That's a sort of office tradition.

You see, these money problems have really hit Henry very hard...

I'm sorry, but are you saying that I'm wrong?

No, but... then you agree that I'm right.

Look, all I'm saying is that for once your life,

you could afford to be less right.

Oh, well, that's very logical, mr Spock.

And then maybe things would calm down a bit,

everyone wouldn't go around getting so mad at you

and you wouldn't be known around the office as Stalin!

In an affectionate sort of way.

I'll get on with this.

Bloody woman! Do you know what story she's just given me?

Noise pollution. I mean, talk about boring.

How I supposed to get sexy pictures of noise, for god's sake?

I'm supposed to stand and point this thing at the bloody m4.

Well, look on the bright side, you might distract someone

and cause a pile-up.

Yeah, that's a point.

So, did jocelyn phone you? Yes, we met last night.

I gave him the 15,000 I got from selling the boat

to squirrel away in some island full of fat bankers.

Jocelyn's very good.

He uses the same tax havens as mark Thatcher.

If I may have a quick word.

Providing Helen's allowing me to come out of my office.

This interview tomorrow...

I'm taking care of it. Nothing will go wrong.

Yes, it's in safe hands.

Yes, well, while we're on the delegation front, Helen,

could you talk to the cleaners about the graffiti in the toilets?

Some of it is ancient.

I mean, there's still some jokes about Stalin up there.

Looks like we're definitely gonna restart the war with Iraq.

Oh, no, that's very depressing. Yeah.

I mean, having a war with the same country twice.

The viewers won't get very excited about that.

If only we could attack Tehran.

Look, I'm sorry, I don't understand.

Why are you unable to pay my standing order?

What withdrawal yesterday?

Look, I'm Sally smedley, I don't bandy words with serving staff

who wear name badges.

Problem? Nothing jocelyn webb can't handle.

Helen, why can't I have something exciting?

Like that report where you spirited that little orphan girl

out of yugoslavia?

That was brilliant. What was wrong with that?

Damien, she didn't want to come!

She got in that car of her own free will.

You told her you were taking her to the circus!

I'm still wading through complaints from the ec, the un,

her parents...

So, no, you may not have a more exciting story than noise pollution.

I see. And where exactly is this box number

mr webb's mail is being forwarded to?

Panama? I see, thank you.

Panama?

Perfectly rational explanation, I'm sure. Probably on holiday.

I'm calling his office.

Hello? Oh, hello, chief inspector.

Yes, I was after jocelyn...

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

New extradition treaty. Thank you.

He's done a runner with all our money, hasn't he?

Not necessarily.

Just because he's emptied my bank account, sold his flat,

closed his office and taken a one-way ticket to south America,

doesn't mean we should jump to conclusions.

Henry's about to do his krakatoa impersonation.

Tenner says he peaks over 120 decibels.

What's 120?

Double what the human ear can normally take.

Ok, I'll go 140.

Look, woman, you are going to have to accept

that this man who is very good at

putting money where no-one can trace it,

has put our money where no-one can trace it.

Not necessarily.

Not necessarily.

Damien, your contact at British telecom just rang.

Claims he's got a tape of the queen ringing the samaritans.

And, Henry, one of your wives' solicitors is on the phone.

You're late with the maintenance.

Say I'll call back.

So, I believe you've had a brush with jocelyn webb.

I did a piece on him a while back.

Small-time crook, really.

Don't suppose he'd fool anyone with half a brain in his head.

Shouting: Well, he just has!

You're the experienced journalist, you should have spotted him!

I blame you.

172! Not bad.

No point crying over spilt milk.

This calmness isn't natural. Something's gotta give.

Sally, I've just had a little chat with Helen

and I've definitely decided to implement her recommendation

banning promotional appearances.

Hope that's not a problem.

I'll turn this off. You don't want it getting broken, do you?

Ok, Henry, mortgage crisis. Pre-recorded insert.

Going in three seconds. Two, one, and...

With me in the studio are sir Teddy Taylor and Ken livingstone

to discuss the continuing rise in house repossessions.

Sir Teddy, if I might come to you first.

These statistics are quite frightening, aren't they?

Well, yes, they are worrying.

And no-one's underestimating the seriousness...

Must admit, I was a bit worried about using Henry for this.

Apparently, he's been left virtually penniless

by this accountant business.

Yes, well, true professionals leave their personal problems at home.

You are right, of course. As always.

Yes, but what about the thousands of people losing their homes?

Well, of course, that's disturbing, but quite honestly,

there's no open-and-shut case for government intervention

in the housing market.

Well, if I might just interrupt...

I have to say, that is a load of absolute bollocks!

I mean, have you thought what it's like for these poor bastards?

Who have lost every penny they ever worked for!

Debt collectors knocking at the door.

Building societies on the bloody phone every five bloody minutes.

That's absolutely right.

Oh, shut up! Your lot are just as bad.

Is this live?

No-one cares about these innocent victims losing their homes,

their sanity, their boats...

Henry! What?

We have to stop the interview there. Why?

Because of...

Technical reasons. You are needed next door, Henry.

Nice cup of coffee and a lobotomy and everything will be fine.

Ken, sir Teddy.

I'm afraid we have to start the interview again.

Just when it was going so well.

I'm terribly sorry about this.

Yes, I'm afraid he brought some little personal problems

into work with him.

We'll continue with Sally smedley, if that's acceptable?

Are you sure that's wise? Only, she still bit upset...

It will be fine, ok?

Well, naturally you should conduct your inland revenue inquiry,

and as soon as possible. Into me?

Yes, you can count on my complete cooperation. Goodbye.

More on jocelyn webb.

Do not mention the name jocelyn webb to me ever again.

What's the name we're not supposed to mention? Jocelyn webb.

Johnson webb, yes. Ok, jocelyn webb.

No, no, she said not to mention jocelyn webb.

Oh, don't mention jocelyn webb. No, don't mention jocelyn webb.

It's a quite devastating crisis which is affecting...

Nearly there. Well done, Helen.

Sally, back to Ken again.

So, do you accept that a rescue programme is impractical?

Not at all. The government's got a duty to help ordinary people

who are trapped in this web of debt.

A web which stretches across the country.

People, ordinary people, are caught in this web.

Sally!

We're going to stop the interview.

Why? It was going extremely well.

We are stopping because of... both: Technical reasons.

Ken, I wonder if you could possibly answer

without using the word web.

Without using the word web?

Yes, lovely. Thank you.

All right, Sally? Right, from that last question.

Five seconds.

Four, three, two, one.

So, do you accept that a rescue programme is impractical?

Well, something has to be done otherwise housing will soon become

available at knock-down prices, and we'll witness the usual circus

speculators jostling to get their noses in the trough.

It was going very well. Why on earth did we stop?

That decision was Helen's.

We must have a chat sometime about how you feel she's fitting in.

We must.

Is that me you were talking about, Gus?

Ah, Helen.

Congratulations on the interview which you were so keen

to take charge of.

Can we be sure that they will always go that smoothly?

Yes. Well, if they were real professionals,

they wouldn't have let their emotions intrude on the work.

So why don't you just drop that into your think tank

and see if it does the doggy paddle?

What was all that about?

Just having a word with Helen about how she let you down

over that interview.

We must have a chat sometime about how you feel she's fitting in.

I feel she's fitting in very well, Gus. I think she's terrific.

Really?

Sure you're not getting personally involved over Helen, George?

On the rebound from Margaret, perhaps?

Yes, Gus, I am very sure!

Right, I'm ready to restart that interview now

if you've fixed those technical problems.

Bloody amateurs.

Getting emotional, letting their feelings get in the way.

Why can't they just get a grip?

How about a cup of tea?

Oh!

George, about Henry...

Ah, just as I thought.

Gus: Joy, get onto it.

Our Gulf war pictures are just too lack-lustre.

Joy: I'll pop down the video shop and get out Terminator 3, shall I?

And what on earth happened to that Rudolf nureyev obituary?

Oh, the computer got muddled and Gary mabbutt

was next alphabetically.

Yes, well, we came within 30 seconds of describing

the 20th-century's greatest ballet dancer

as a stocky spurs utility man!

And this after the menachem-begin-Joan-bakewell fiasco.

We've got to downsize our sloppiness overload, joy.

Am I making myself clear?

Don't be silly, Gus.

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