All language subtitles for Drop The Dead Donkey s03e02 Sallys Accountant.eng

'And now, drop the dead donkey.

'This episode was first
shown in January '93,

'when controversy surrounded the
calcutt report on curbing the press,

'the collapse of royal marriages,

'and British airways
poaching of passengers.'

and out on a window ledge
above me, 15 storeys high,

a man is threatening to hurl
himself onto the pavement

if the council go ahead
with his eviction order.

The police have...

No. No, it's all too dull.

Unless we get lucky and he jumps,

and we get the old "entrails
on the pavement" shot.

Look, I know. Gerry, come on.

Gerry, quick. I don't think
this is a good idea.

We can sneak in before
they throw us out.

That's it, just here. Damien.

It's a better shot. Look, pan up.

See, much dizzier.

And out on a window ledge
above me, 15 storeys high,

a man is threatening...

Bloody hell!

Oh, you're watching that. Mm-hmm.

How is Gerry? Out of hospital.

They reckon what saved him was the
metal plate he has in his head

from Damien's "how dangerous
are rubber bullets?" Piece.

Yes.

Helen, I just wanted to say how
much I appreciate the way you've

already halved my workload.
It's made a huge difference.

Some evenings now, I'm
getting home by 9:30.

It's done wonders for
my stress symptoms.

You've completely unblocked my sinuses.

George, you say the nicest things.

Please, it needed saying.

George.

I've got some reactions
to the calcutt report.

Kelvin MacKenzie says he's not
having some clapped-out judge

telling him what to put on
the front page of the sun.

No, that's Rupert Murdoch's job.

So you're saying it
won't be liable for tax

if I put 70% into offshore funds
in the Seychelles. Right.

And you'll find out how soon
I can chop that forest down

without losing that tax exemption?
Lovely. Bye, jocelyn.

Why beat around the bush?

Why not just go out and
mug some blind children?

Jealous, Henry?

If you had a top-notch
accountant like me,

you wouldn't be experiencing
your money problems.

I hear you're selling the boat?

Yes, I should get 30 grand for it.

Should just about get
me out of this hole.

Damn thing has been costing
me as much as all my ex-wives

and their bloody maintenance.

God almighty, I reckon it
worked out about �300 a shag.

Morning, hotshots.

Are we cooking with napalm?
You bet. Terrific.

Now, as you know, I'm not here.
Right. In that case...

But there is just something I'd
like to pop into your percolators

to see if it comes out brown.

Studio interview technique. We've
had a couple of complaints.

Tory central office felt that last week

Henry was a bit hard on Peter lilley.

You can't be too hard on Peter lilley.

Gus, the man is slimier than
a tapeworm's douchebag.

He just wouldn't answer the question.

All right, all right.

All I'm saying is, we
have got sir Teddy Taylor

and Ken livingstone
coming in on Thursday.

I've told you, Gus, I'm
taking care of the interview.

Terrific. Well, let's keep
knee-capping the opposition.

An ec directive is insisting
battery hens be given more room.

I should think so.

Even dumb creatures have a
right to sufficient space.

You're absolutely right.

There is one more thing.

I asked Helen to take a fresh
look at our working procedures,

which she has done, of
course, extremely rapidly.

I'm sure you're all looking
forward to her findings.

What the hell do you mean by this?

Should concentrate on content
rather than excitement.

Are you suggesting I spend all
my time ambulance chasing?

If only to flag them
down for your cameraman.

I have supplied this station with
some of its most compelling footage.

Like your report on that man
sentenced to the electric chair?

That was great television.

Do you really think it was right
to leave the radio mic on

throughout the entire execution?

That was justified in order to show
the full horror of judicial murder.

Anyway, I couldn't use any of it.

All that voltage played havoc with
the reception. But the point is...

Damien, I'm not looking for a
confrontation, so put in a memo, ok?

What's the meaning of this, Helen?

News readers rosters cannot be
altered for individual convenience.

I'm referring to the way that you
are consistently making yourself

unavailable for the evening broadcast
every Friday and Saturday.

It so he can do his after-dinner
speeches. It's totally unfair.

Oh, go back to defrauding the
inland revenue, tight-arse.

Listen, right now, I need the
income from those speeches.

I'm sorry, but I can't let
someone dictate their schedule.

Quite right. Well done, Helen.

Putting a stop to these sloppy,
unprofessional practices.

Have you read the bit about
promotional appearances?

Promotional appearances?

Well, I do feel the large number
of supermarkets you open,

your exercise videos and your
book of cosmetic hints for pets

all compromise your
credibility as a news reader.

Now, you listen to me,
little miss rule book...

Sally's got that strange
look in her eye.

Reminds me of Margaret the time
we had that big row in bejams

and she concussed me
with a frozen turkey.

So how are things on the home front?

Quite civilised, really.

Margaret brought me up a
cup of tea this morning.

Along with the divorce papers.

Oh, and there's some
good news about Deborah.

Because we were worried
that she was on drugs,

and it turns out she wasn't.
Oh, that is good.

She was just selling them.

Oh, my god, what was she selling?
Valium.

I did wonder where all
my bottles had gone to.

..And possible legal action.

So, Helen Jack-boot features,
what do you say to that?

I say that promotional appearances
are forbidden in this,

your contract.

Now, I suggest you go
and sit in the corner

and find someone to read to you.

Helen.

We do rather appear to have an
ongoing entanglement situation here.

This report of yours does seem to be
raising rather a lot of questions.

For instance, I'm not clear about
the meaning of this paragraph here.

Well, that's just a point
for discussion, you know.

As to whether your attending
editorial meetings

is the most effective use of your time.

Well, actually, you see,

I have a very important
function at those meetings

good. And that is?

Well, I'm a sort of hands-off, eyes-on,

overview-ish, non-participatory
sort of hands...

I'll get back to you on this.

Terrific, Helen, you
keep up the good work.

Cunning bitch.

Gus, this damn report.

Yes, how do you feel about that, Henry?

I feel about as happy as a
pregnant hippo with piles.

Now, are you going to
do something about it?

I'd love to, but it's all
really down to Helen.

I don't feel I can interfere.

We must have a chat sometime about
how you feel she is fitting in.

More rows about this benetton ad.

The one that shows a sea
bird covered in oil.

Oh, it's enough to make you sick.

Now, there's an idea. Someone
should go into one of their shops,

throw up over the jumpers and say,

"how's that for the united
colours of benetton?"

That's odd. What is?

Well, I've just typed up the
running order and apparently

I'm on British airways
flight 731 to New York.

Hell's bells! What's up?

My boat is only worth 15 thou.

Apparently, there's a crack
in the hull from the time

I got rat-arsed and played
chicken with that supertanker.

Peace treaty in yugoslavia's confirmed.
That's number 47.

No, joy, this is a genuine,
lasting peace plan.

Ah, there's only been 16 of them.

Joy, what are you doing to my plant?

No wonder it's dead. It's not.

It's showing the green
shoots of recovery.

Not a bad bulletin this evening, eh?
Passable, I suppose.

I thought you looked very
good in that jacket.

Yes, and...?

Nothing.

Just, you look very nice in it.

Have you been drinking?

Good heavens, no.

I'm just complimenting
you on your good taste.

You have been drinking. I
have not been drinking!

I am merely trying to
have a friendly chat

about things like...

Oh, I know what I meant to ask you.

You haven't possibly your
accountant's number, have you?

What would you want that for, Henry?

Well, I was wondering if I could...

Oh, I see.

Well, I'm afraid jocelyn
doesn't take on anyone.

He needs a personal recommendation.

Yes, well, I suppose I'd
have to get one of those.

Yes, you would.

Would you like me to
recommend you, Henry?

Well, yes, that would be very kind.

Well, I'm sure I could do that, only
you were very rude to me earlier.

Was I? Yes, very rude.

I see. Well, obviously,
about that, er...

I'm, um, I'm very...

I'm deeply... yes, Henry.

I'm sorry.

I didn't quite catch that.

I'm sorry, I'm bloody well sorry!

I accept your grovelling apology.
I'll speak to jocelyn. Good night.

I had my fingers crossed, all right?

Loads more attacks on Charles.

Fancy being criticised for
sleeping with someone else's wife.

Honestly, I don't know what
the world is coming to.

I'll get onto our royal correspondent.

There's this memo from jockstrap
defining his function

at editorial meetings. Jockstrap?

That Gus' nickname. Well, why
do you call him jockstrap?

Because he's full of bollocks.

Suppose I haven't got a
nickname here yet, have I?

No.

Listen, Helen, I was thinking,
this report of yours,

you don't think maybe you're running
at things a bit fast, do you?

What things?

Well, like over Henry's
after-dinner speeches.

I'm sorry but to make an exception
would be unfair. Sally's right.

No, we never say that. Sally's right.

That's a sort of office tradition.

You see, these money problems have
really hit Henry very hard...

I'm sorry, but are you
saying that I'm wrong?

No, but... then you
agree that I'm right.

Look, all I'm saying is
that for once your life,

you could afford to be less right.

Oh, well, that's very
logical, mr Spock.

And then maybe things
would calm down a bit,

everyone wouldn't go around
getting so mad at you

and you wouldn't be known
around the office as Stalin!

In an affectionate sort of way.

I'll get on with this.

Bloody woman! Do you know what
story she's just given me?

Noise pollution. I mean,
talk about boring.

How I supposed to get sexy
pictures of noise, for god's sake?

I'm supposed to stand and point
this thing at the bloody m4.

Well, look on the bright side,
you might distract someone

and cause a pile-up.

Yeah, that's a point.

So, did jocelyn phone you?
Yes, we met last night.

I gave him the 15,000 I
got from selling the boat

to squirrel away in some
island full of fat bankers.

Jocelyn's very good.

He uses the same tax
havens as mark Thatcher.

If I may have a quick word.

Providing Helen's allowing
me to come out of my office.

This interview tomorrow...

I'm taking care of it.
Nothing will go wrong.

Yes, it's in safe hands.

Yes, well, while we're on the
delegation front, Helen,

could you talk to the cleaners
about the graffiti in the toilets?

Some of it is ancient.

I mean, there's still some
jokes about Stalin up there.

Looks like we're definitely gonna
restart the war with Iraq.

Oh, no, that's very depressing. Yeah.

I mean, having a war with
the same country twice.

The viewers won't get
very excited about that.

If only we could attack Tehran.

Look, I'm sorry, I don't understand.

Why are you unable to
pay my standing order?

What withdrawal yesterday?

Look, I'm Sally smedley, I don't
bandy words with serving staff

who wear name badges.

Problem? Nothing jocelyn
webb can't handle.

Helen, why can't I have
something exciting?

Like that report where you
spirited that little orphan girl

out of yugoslavia?

That was brilliant. What
was wrong with that?

Damien, she didn't want to come!

She got in that car
of her own free will.

You told her you were
taking her to the circus!

I'm still wading through
complaints from the ec, the un,

her parents...

So, no, you may not have a more
exciting story than noise pollution.

I see. And where exactly
is this box number

mr webb's mail is being forwarded to?

Panama? I see, thank you.

Panama?

Perfectly rational explanation,
I'm sure. Probably on holiday.

I'm calling his office.

Hello? Oh, hello, chief inspector.

Yes, I was after jocelyn...

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

New extradition treaty. Thank you.

He's done a runner with
all our money, hasn't he?

Not necessarily.

Just because he's emptied my
bank account, sold his flat,

closed his office and taken a
one-way ticket to south America,

doesn't mean we should
jump to conclusions.

Henry's about to do his
krakatoa impersonation.

Tenner says he peaks over 120 decibels.

What's 120?

Double what the human
ear can normally take.

Ok, I'll go 140.

Look, woman, you are
going to have to accept

that this man who is very good at

putting money where
no-one can trace it,

has put our money where
no-one can trace it.

Not necessarily.

Not necessarily.

Damien, your contact at
British telecom just rang.

Claims he's got a tape of the
queen ringing the samaritans.

And, Henry, one of your wives'
solicitors is on the phone.

You're late with the maintenance.

Say I'll call back.

So, I believe you've had a
brush with jocelyn webb.

I did a piece on him a while back.

Small-time crook, really.

Don't suppose he'd fool anyone
with half a brain in his head.

Shouting: Well, he just has!

You're the experienced journalist,
you should have spotted him!

I blame you.

172! Not bad.

No point crying over spilt milk.

This calmness isn't natural.
Something's gotta give.

Sally, I've just had a
little chat with Helen

and I've definitely decided to
implement her recommendation

banning promotional appearances.

Hope that's not a problem.

I'll turn this off. You don't
want it getting broken, do you?

Ok, Henry, mortgage crisis.
Pre-recorded insert.

Going in three seconds.
Two, one, and...

With me in the studio are sir
Teddy Taylor and Ken livingstone

to discuss the continuing
rise in house repossessions.

Sir Teddy, if I might
come to you first.

These statistics are quite
frightening, aren't they?

Well, yes, they are worrying.

And no-one's underestimating
the seriousness...

Must admit, I was a bit worried
about using Henry for this.

Apparently, he's been
left virtually penniless

by this accountant business.

Yes, well, true professionals leave
their personal problems at home.

You are right, of course. As always.

Yes, but what about the thousands
of people losing their homes?

Well, of course, that's
disturbing, but quite honestly,

there's no open-and-shut case
for government intervention

in the housing market.

Well, if I might just interrupt...

I have to say, that is a
load of absolute bollocks!

I mean, have you thought what it's
like for these poor bastards?

Who have lost every penny
they ever worked for!

Debt collectors knocking at the door.

Building societies on the bloody
phone every five bloody minutes.

That's absolutely right.

Oh, shut up! Your lot are just as bad.

Is this live?

No-one cares about these innocent
victims losing their homes,

their sanity, their boats...

Henry! What?

We have to stop the
interview there. Why?

Because of...

Technical reasons. You are
needed next door, Henry.

Nice cup of coffee and a lobotomy
and everything will be fine.

Ken, sir Teddy.

I'm afraid we have to start
the interview again.

Just when it was going so well.

I'm terribly sorry about this.

Yes, I'm afraid he brought
some little personal problems

into work with him.

We'll continue with Sally
smedley, if that's acceptable?

Are you sure that's wise?
Only, she still bit upset...

It will be fine, ok?

Well, naturally you should conduct
your inland revenue inquiry,

and as soon as possible. Into me?

Yes, you can count on my
complete cooperation. Goodbye.

More on jocelyn webb.

Do not mention the name jocelyn
webb to me ever again.

What's the name we're not supposed
to mention? Jocelyn webb.

Johnson webb, yes. Ok, jocelyn webb.

No, no, she said not to
mention jocelyn webb.

Oh, don't mention jocelyn webb.
No, don't mention jocelyn webb.

It's a quite devastating
crisis which is affecting...

Nearly there. Well done, Helen.

Sally, back to Ken again.

So, do you accept that a rescue
programme is impractical?

Not at all. The government's got
a duty to help ordinary people

who are trapped in this web of debt.

A web which stretches
across the country.

People, ordinary people,
are caught in this web.

Sally!

We're going to stop the interview.

Why? It was going extremely well.

We are stopping because of...
both: Technical reasons.

Ken, I wonder if you
could possibly answer

without using the word web.

Without using the word web?

Yes, lovely. Thank you.

All right, Sally? Right,
from that last question.

Five seconds.

Four, three, two, one.

So, do you accept that a rescue
programme is impractical?

Well, something has to be done
otherwise housing will soon become

available at knock-down prices, and
we'll witness the usual circus

speculators jostling to get
their noses in the trough.

It was going very well.
Why on earth did we stop?

That decision was Helen's.

We must have a chat sometime about
how you feel she's fitting in.

We must.

Is that me you were talking about, Gus?

Ah, Helen.

Congratulations on the interview
which you were so keen

to take charge of.

Can we be sure that they will
always go that smoothly?

Yes. Well, if they were
real professionals,

they wouldn't have let their
emotions intrude on the work.

So why don't you just drop
that into your think tank

and see if it does the doggy paddle?

What was all that about?

Just having a word with Helen
about how she let you down

over that interview.

We must have a chat sometime about
how you feel she's fitting in.

I feel she's fitting in very well, Gus.
I think she's terrific.

Really?

Sure you're not getting personally
involved over Helen, George?

On the rebound from Margaret, perhaps?

Yes, Gus, I am very sure!

Right, I'm ready to restart
that interview now

if you've fixed those
technical problems.

Bloody amateurs.

Getting emotional, letting
their feelings get in the way.

Why can't they just get a grip?

How about a cup of tea?

Oh!

George, about Henry...

Ah, just as I thought.

Gus: Joy, get onto it.

Our Gulf war pictures are
just too lack-lustre.

Joy: I'll pop down the video shop
and get out Terminator 3, shall I?

And what on earth happened to
that Rudolf nureyev obituary?

Oh, the computer got
muddled and Gary mabbutt

was next alphabetically.

Yes, well, we came within
30 seconds of describing

the 20th-century's
greatest ballet dancer

as a stocky spurs utility man!

And this after the
menachem-begin-Joan-bakewell fiasco.

We've got to downsize our
sloppiness overload, joy.

Am I making myself clear?

Don't be silly, Gus.

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