All language subtitles for Drop The Dead Donkey s03e01 In Place Of Alex.eng

Voice-over: And now,
drop the dead donkey.

This episode was first
shown in January '93,

when attempts were being made
to partition war-torn Bosnia,

when the shetlands were struck
by a massive oil spill,

and a mentally ill man jumped
into the lion cage at London zoo.

Right, ok. So, anything else?

Yes, why are you chairing
the editorial meeting?

Because George asked me to, actually.

He's in with Gus interviewing
replacements for Alex,

so I am acting assistant editor.

Anyone got a problem with that?

Then can we get on, please? Thank you.
What else is breaking?

Well, there is one piece
of very exciting news.

What's that? Shakespeare started work

in personnel this morning. Shakespeare?

The finest forger of expenses
in the history of journalism.

He was a legend at the mirror.

Hey, we're due to hand
in our ex's tomorrow.

Hang on there, Henry.

Did I hear our acting assistant
editor imply that we should

get involved in some
shabby expenses scam?

Yes, yes, yes, all right. We
do have a lot to get through.

Joy, you're late.

So? Person under a train
at Leicester square.

Selfish git, why couldn't he
just stick his head in the oven

like any normal person?

Talking of inadequates, what are
you doing in George's chair?

Steady on. You are talking to
our acting assistant editor.

Well, until George and Gus
find someone competent.

Well, we all know what
type Gus will go for.

My personal agenda for this
vacant, hands-on support role

is to follow proactive management
strategy that effectively maximises

human resources and delivers
total team turbo thrust.

Well, you've put it in a nutshell,
peregrine. Hasn't he, George?

Well, er...

Well, I think we've heard all
we need to, don't you, George?

Actually, Gus...

Thanks for coming in,
peregrine, and well done.

Ciao. Ciao.

Well, I doubt we'll see
another one like him.

No, I don't suppose we will.
Actually, Gus...

Incidentally, George, I've been
meaning to say how brilliantly

you've shouldered the extra
workload these last few months.

Yes, well, it has been a bit grim. I
think it's all this extra pressure

that's brought on my
mystery sinus trouble.

Oh, dear, what a shame.

I've had hundreds of tests.

The latest theory is that I might
be allergic to my own mucus.

Right, well, sorry if life's
been stress-heavy since Alex

crept off to the enemy trenches.

Gus, all Alex did was accept
a better job elsewhere, ok?

There's no need to be
so bitter about her.

I'm not bitter.

Then why have you tippexed
her out of the staff photo?

Well, I... knock at door

come in. Yes, Dave.

What is this? It's my cv.

I thought I'd apply for Alex's job.

David, do you seriously think we'd
ever contemplate appointing you

assistant editor?

No. It was worth a shot.

Dave... Dave, Dave, Dave.

I hope nothing Gus said
in there has upset you.

You are valued here.

Right. David! Very
important job for you.

See?

I want those essex girl jokes
washed off the toilet walls,

especially the one about
the blind orangutan.

It made me feel physically ill.

George, what exactly is happening

with that great ram-raider
footage I shot?

Yes, well, there are a few questions

still need answering
on that one, Damien.

Like how come you happen
to have a camera crew

outside a jewellers at
2:15 in the morning?

We've been through this.

Oh, yes, you were filming
an item on the urban fox.

And along came the
ram-raiders, we got lucky.

I think it's fantastic.

Yes, I particularly like the bit
where the robbers jump back

in their getaway car and
roar off at top speed.

Thanks. Giving a
thumbs-up to the camera.

Well, no, I mean, that was just a,
sort of, general triumphant gesture.

Where the thumb happened to be in
a sort of upward facing position.

No, I don't think they were
aware of our camera in any way.

Yes, I mean, that's how I saw it.

Well, I have serious
doubts on this one.

Oh, for god's sake.

I'm sorry, I want time to check it out.

I'm certainly not putting
it into tonight's bulletin.

Fair enough, chief, you're in charge.

That's right.

We'll put it in Damien's
crime special on Friday.

Incidentally, I love
that opening sequence.

I just wonder whether maybe
the man in the balaclava

should have a bigger pickaxe handle.

Still, it's scary stuff almost
as frightening as crimewatch.

Morning, Sally.

Morning! Sorry I'm late, everyone.
Well-wishers again.

They just add hours to
my journey, I'm afraid.

Yes, I can imagine.

Do you know, is a funny thing,
but these people who stop me

in the street all seem very
clean and intelligent looking.

I think I appeal to
clean, bright people.

That bloke who writes to
you from hms fearless

doesn't sound very clean.

And he's not that bright either,
he can't spell "blow job".

Oh, please!

I will not tolerate these
intrusions into my privacy!

Absolutely. You two should
not read Sally's fan mail.

No, and you shouldn't pin it
on the notice board either.

Incidentally, what is this photograph

of Peter lilley doing up here?

He's the winner of our slimy
git of the week competition.

But he's been here 15 weeks.

Yeah?

Come on, George. The
next interviewee is due.

George, your wife rang. Something about

your daughter's probation officer
having a nervous breakdown.

Oh, no, not another one.

Hey, George has left his
list of applicants.

Oh, my god, that slimebag
wilkinson from bskyb.

He's what you get if Nigel
dempster mated with Kenneth Baker.

I mean, look at this lot.

A crawler, a tosspot, a sleazeball
and a sleazy, crawling tosspot.

Well, there's only one
there who'd get my vote.

And mine. Dave? This has just come in.

Seems that in light of
that lion business,

the government are reforming
their policy on community care.

What a rational way to
formulate policy that is.

"We're worried about the mentally
ill, but won't actually do anything

"until one of them
gets eaten by a lion."

Virginia bottomley says,

"a lot of mentally ill
people don't act sensibly."

Honestly, that woman is so stupid.
You know, I could almost fancy her.

Police say there's been
an increase in accidents

due to dangerous driving.

Well, they're right. Some
people are so inconsiderate.

You know, I was driving my Porsche
down the fast lane of the m4

and no matter how any times I
flashed the people in front,

they wouldn't move over. I
had to bump one of them.

Oh, my god, don't look now.
It's wilkinson, the human turd.

Hello, wilko! Hello, Henry.

Escaped from stalag Murdoch, hey?

Up for our assistant
editor's job, I hear.

Yes, I'd love to get it. You
lot are the best, period.

I think I'd work rather well with Gus.

Yes, you would. Actually, I think
you're in with a great chance

because Gus was saying only this
morning how the other applicants

have been all too weak and weedy.

Really? Yes. He says he's longing for

a candidate who shows a bit
of spark, some bottle.

Someone who's prepared
to argue with him.

I see. Well, thanks for that, Henry.

My pleasure, good luck. All the best.

Tenner says he doesn't
last more than a minute.

Welcome! Welcome. Good to see you.

Please, take a seat.

Now, as you know, we run a
successful news-gathering team here,

and as such... well, with respect, Gus,

I'm not sure that's the case, actually.

Sorry? I think you're underperforming.

In fact, to be Frank,

I think your whole operation
is riddled with inadequacies.

Sally! Reporter from the mail
wants to do a phone interview.

Right. Not taking any
chances this time.

That woman who interviewed me
for the standard last week

totally misrepresented me.

Made me sound like some
compulsive paranoid.

Phone rings hello? Sally
smedley speaking.

59 seconds. Oh, you jammy git.

Every penny gratefully received.
It's sleazeball Smith from the beeb.

My go, my go. Smudger!
Smudger, how are you?

David, fine, fine. Good to see you.

So, you're up for this job, then?
Hopefully.

Well, no-one has impressed
Gus so far apparently.

They have all been very stuffy.

I think he's looking for someone
who's a bit more, um, you know,

one of the lads.

Ah, likes a bit of a
laugh, then, does he?

Yeah. Yeah. In fact,
between you and me,

what Gus really likes
is essex girl jokes.

How's this one doing?
Three minutes 15 seconds.

It's not bad considering I told her
Gus likes women who swear a lot.

This came in, new government
policy on education.

Of course there is, it's a Tuesday.

Thanks for coming in, Lindsay,
and we'll be in touch.

Thank you.

Strange woman. Like Madonna on speed.

Almost as bad as that bloke
who came in yesterday

and kicked off with
the essex girl joke.

George, graphics department
rang about the map

they are doing of all the new
provinces in the Bosnian peace plan.

What's the problem? They've
run out of colours.

Oh, and your wife rang.

Plumber says he wants his money
or he's putting the dead hamster

back down your waste pipe. Right.

So, er, how's it going with Margaret?

Not bad.

The separation's very civilised.

She's got the run of the house
and I'm living in the attic.

I think she's ok. I hear
her laughing a lot.

And she's always out at the
theatre, or a nightclub.

And she keeps throwing
all-night parties.

But I think it's just her
way of hiding the pain.

Yeah, of course.

Why does an essex girl have
'c' and 'a' on her knickers?

So she doesn't put
them on back to front.

No, I still don't get that one.

It's a pleasure. I always
enjoy talking to the express.

Nosy parasite. Talk about impertinence.

Tape: 'So, how's your
love life, then, sall?'

they're always prying.

Look, we told you what to do.

Just fob them off with general
details about your boyfriends.

You don't have to give
their names or anything.

No, just the kind of
lorries they drive.

Or what it says on their tattoos.

I refuse to be provoked
by two creatures

whose place in the evolutionary
chain is somewhere between

the amoeba and Paul gascoigne.

Hey, I tell you, that
Shakespeare is brilliant.

Have a look at this rather
sizeable petrol receipt

from my Kenyan election trip. You see?

Written in perfect Swahili,
scented with Kenyan coffee beans.

And you see down there? An
authentic squished tsetse fly.

Superb. Bloody brilliant.

You just don't see craftsmanship
like that these days.

Have you seen this curry
house receipt he did for me?

You see those stains?

Do you know, I think he's marinated
this overnight in a pile of lager.

Sheer genius. Anyway, I've
got to go and see Gus.

I want him to approve dubbing
a track by motorhead

onto my ram-raider footage.

He's interviewing another one.

Hey? Damn and blast!

Helen Cooper slipped through.

I wanted to have a friendly
little chat with her.

Now, Helen, our latest audience
breakdown shows a slight downturn

in our female audience.

What sort of items would you include
to win back the little ladies?

Well, obviously more items on fashion.

Good.

Knitting. Hoovering.

And end every bulletin with a recipe?

I'm not so sure about the recipe.

I think Helen is joking, Gus.
Oh, right. Humour.

We're big fans of
humour in this office.

Have you seen this?

The Chinese nickname for
Chris patten in Hong Kong

is fatty pang. I didn't know
pang was Chinese for wanker.

Yugoslavia, the Americans
are getting tougher.

They said if the British troops
are attacked by the serbs,

they may launch air strikes.

My god, British troops will
really be in trouble then.

How's she doing?

Difficult to say, Gus is
wearing his air hostess smile.

So, Helen, I see from your
cv that you have a daughter,

which is lovely.

But I ought to just check the
position if you and your husband

decided to have another baby,
would that be a problem?

It certainly would, he's
been dead for three years.

Oh, I am sorry. It must
have been a dreadful loss.

Not really, we were separated.

Oh, right.

Painful business, isn't it?

My wife and I were just separated.

A month ago.

Well, the rows had been getting worse.

I think it was that business
with the bread knife

that was the clincher.

Actually, George, I'm
not sure we've got time

for your transfusion
anecdote right now.

Well, thanks for coming in, Helen.
We'll be in touch.

Oh, by the way, give our love
to your little daughter.

Well, what do you think?

Well, she seemed bright
and independent.

Yes.

No, no, I still think
peregrine is our man.

You look unhappy, George.

No, no, no, no, Gus, you just
decide, hey? You always do.

Quite honestly, I don't think
my sinuses can take any more.

Looks a bit glum, obviously
didn't do very well.

Doesn't surprise me. I
gave her a ring last night

and told her to come over
all strong and independent.

Nice one.

She'd be a bloody disaster
as deputy editor.

I knew her at the beeb.

When it comes to any
kind of confrontation,

she rolls over quicker than
a liberian oil tanker.

I tell you, Gus would wrap
her round his little finger.

Anyway, the person we
want is old peregrine.

Such an actor, cunning as a fox.

I bet when he sat down
for that interview...

Cassette: '..He told Gus all
the things he wanted to hear.

'Oh, yes, peregrine would have Gus
for breakfast he's so bright.'

'if you ask me, he'll be in
Gus's job within a year.

'What was his motto at itn?'

'always smile at the
person you're shafting.'

there's a lot more.

Thank you, Sally. I think
I've heard enough.

We can't trust anyone here, Gus.

If I was you, I'd seriously
consider bugging the toilets.

Thank you, Sally. I'll
mull that one over.

Now, before we get going,

this item on Fiona Armstrong
being told to smile more.

I was just wondering whether
there was a lesson there, Sally.

I don't know what you mean, Gus.

I do three smiles during our bulletins.
Well, there's my

"good evening, you're watching
globelink news" smile,

my "we'll be back after
the break" smile,

and my "we'll be back tomorrow" smile.

Yeah.

Perhaps if you put a bit
more warmth into them.

Bit more feeling.

Feeling? I'm sorry, you've lost me.

Doesn't matter.

And what about the shetlands?
Yeah, why can't I cover it?

You know perfectly well

we don't allow you to cover
oil spills any more.

Not since that business with the
grease gun and the guillemots.

Yes, well, I think our coverage
has been a little lacklustre.

We only had oil that was leaking,

whereas the BBC had pouring
and itn had spewing.

Well, they're very vulgar.

We need to go one better.

I think our oil should be vomiting.

And let's get some
bigger dying sea life.

We had an oil-drenched
whelk last night.

It just wasn't good enough.
Perhaps David can find something.

Look, I happened to be
ludicrously busy, actually.

I mean, are we any nearer
getting a new deputy?

Well, actually, it's down to two.
Helen Cooper or peregrine Ellis.

You should go for peregrine, Gus!
You'd find him loyal, supportive.

He'd be a great choice. Oh, would he?

You seem very keen, Henry.

We just think he'd be right.

I see.

Quite a little consensus developing.

Well, you'll be pleased
to know he's coming in

for a second interview in a moment.

George, let's regroup in my office.

Actually, Gus, I'm still very unhappy

about Damien's ram-raiders footage.
I mean, how exactly did he get it?

Popular boy, peregrine, isn't he?

Yes, yes, I'm sure he is.
Now, about this footage.

Knock at door come.

Thanks for coming back, peregrine.

Just a few points I wanted cleared up.

Please take a seat. Or perhaps
you would prefer my chair.

No, here's fine.

Well, peregrine.

Well, well.

Tell me, how do you visualise
you and I working together?

Well, with you dictating
the command strategy

and me providing the back-up field
play and supply line scenarios

in a pivotal but junior role.

Good answer.

Just what I wanted to hear.

Tell me, peregrine, does the phrase

"always smile at the person "you
are shafting" ring any bells?

No, er, sh... should it?

You tell me.

Well, thanks for coming in, peregrine.

You know the way out.

It's amazing what you can learn
from a second interview.

Well, he seemed exactly the same to me.

With respect, George, that is why you
will never make a people picker.

No, no, all my instincts tell
me it's got to be Helen.

I'm not so sure now. Word
is she lacks backbone.

Never listen to tittle-tattle, George.

You're too big for that.

Ah, Damien. I want a word with you

about your "puppies abandoned
after Christmas" piece.

Gut-wrenching television, wasn't it?

Damien, a little boy rang up

wanting to know what
you've done with blackie.

Helen Cooper's with Gus,
seems she's got the job.

Disappointed, Henry? I
think Gus went for her

after I conveyed your views
on peregrine to him.

You crafty cow.

I think the phrase is,
"in your face, suckers."

Morning, news-busters!

I'd just like to introduce our new
assistant editor, Helen Cooper.

I'm sure she'll be a
marvellous strong safety

behind our blitzing line-backers,
and we'll make a great team.

Don't you agree, Helen? Totally.

General, deploy your troops.

Right, well, the first thing I'd
like to raise this morning, Gus,

is Damien's ram-raiders footage.

As you know, I've always
entertained doubts...

Then stop entertaining them, George.
Make them coffee and send them home.

Yes, well, that's a
little difficult to do,

especially after the phone call that
joy took for Damien last night.

Suggs rang. Said to tell Damien that,

"if he wants to see some more
urban foxes tomorrow night,

"to turn up outside the chiswick
branch of Samuels the jewellers."

Perfectly innocent message.

He's a fox lover.

Who knows their ways.

Oh, come on, this is clearly
evidence of collusion.

With respect, George, it's
flimsy, circumstantial evidence.

I tell you what, why doesn't
our new deputy editor decide?

You see, Helen, this
ram-raiding is, as you know,

a particularly worrying social problem

and Damien has got these
astonishing pictures

of some of these hoodlums in action.

And I feel, as part of a wider
debate, we should broadcast them.

I'm sure you'll agree. No.

There, so you see...

What? I don't agree.

The provenance of these pictures is,
as I understand, extremely dubious.

A more important, it's not in
itself intrinsically news.

To broadcast it would be
wrong and indeed pointless.

So that's a decision, then, is it, Gus?

Well, I...

Yes.

Terrific.

Oh, yeah, terrific (!)
End to a perfect week.

First of all, Kate adie gets
the bloody obe, now this.

George! Debrief now!

Well, he did ask for my opinion.

Well done, Helen.

You've annoyed Damien
and humiliated Gus.

In my book, that constitutes
the perfect start.

To be honest, I'm still a
bit stunned I got the job.

Oh, you owe it all to Sally.
She made sure Gus got some

inside information we provided
about peregrine, didn't you, sal?

In your face, sucker.

I suspect I may have benefited
from some internal politics here.

Something very strange
has happened here.

She's very impressive, isn't she?
Clearly knows her own mind.

Yes, I think you've made a
very good decision there, Gus.

Dammit, George!

If you hadn't talked
me out of peregrine...

Well, I'm flattered by all
the help you gave me.

But I hope you won't expect me to
be anything other than independent.

Oh, good lord, no. Absolutely not.

So, where do you want to start?

Well, George asked me to
process your expenses.

I had a quick glance and I see
Shakespeare's on the staff here.

Who's Shakespeare? I used
to work at the mirror.

I knew it was him as soon
as I saw the tsetse fly.

Joy, will you please type this memo
suspending Shakespeare for two weeks

and I'm binning these expenses
that you all submitted yesterday,

and we'll just regard your
attempts to defraud your employer

as a temporary lapse, shall we?

Best way forward. Yes, of course.

I think we're going to get on.

Helen: Big story breaking. Looks
like bush might attack Iraq.

Damien: He'll definitely attack Iraq.

Then he'll probably attack
yugoslavia, China and Canada.

Why? To bugger up things for Clinton.

Now, Helen, can I book a
camera crew for April

to do a follow-up on the
shetland oil spill?

Good idea.

Concentrating on the damaging
effect on livestock.

You want to film some mutant
lambs being born, don't you?

No! Though obviously, if any
two-headed lambs are born, then...

You'd probably stick a
third head on them.

Have you been reading my staff record?

No, why? No reason.

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