Original subtitles

And now...

This episode was first shown in the run-up to Christmas '91,

when the full scale of the Maxwell scandal

began to hit home

and the Soviet union was about to disappear.

Theme tune plays

right.

Erm, more reactions to the fact

that 25% of seven-year-olds can't read.

It's terrible, isn't it?

Deborah could write by the time she was five.

I remember on her birthday she spray-canned, "die, scum,"

on our bedroom wall.

Anyway... now, look,

I know we're all looking forward to this afternoon's Christmas party,

but I'm sure I don't have to remind you

we all have a lot of work still to do.

Thank you. Just in, George.

Reports of napalm being used in yugoslavia.

Thank you.

Dave. Dave, we are still working, so if you could, please...

Mince pie, George?

Thank you. I do not want a mince pie.

George, can I have a quick word?

I've received another letter from William rees-mogg,

broadcasting standards council.

He'd like some ambiguities resolved

concerning Damien's "crushed orphans" piece.

I'll leave it in your safe hands, Goldie.

This is all your fault, Damien.

Oh, come on, George.

It looked great, the interview with that victim.

All that blood and tubes up her nose.

She only had concussion.

You stuck the tubes up her nose!

And it looked great.

Now, George, I'm going to need some time off next week

because I'm helping in one of those Christmas shelters for the homeless.

Oh, right. Well, of course, we'll try and accommodate that.

Yes, 3.25-3.30, Christmas Eve.

Right. More on Russia's problems.

They want to trade nuclear missiles for food.

Oh, right. Well, I've got a few spare bags of sugar -

I could trade them for a warhead and keep it in my front room

in case those bloody Carol singers come round again.

I'm getting nowhere here. All right, all right - meeting over.

You can all go and have your little Christmas party.

God bless you, mr scrooge.

I won't enjoy it.

I can't even drink on these pills I'm taking.

Well, one's not going to hurt me.

They all hurt you, George.

Even in small amounts,

alcohol causes headaches, loss of concentration,

nervousness, depression.

But I've had all those for months, and I don't even drink.

No, no, no, George - you don't get maudlin and self-pitying

for another two hours yet.

Have you no respect for the traditions of Christmas parties?

Here you are. I brought you all Christmas cards.

Oh. Hmm.

Unlike her to be so thoughtful.

Oh, look - signed by her personal assistant.

I hope we're not having a strippagram, like last year.

No, no, no, no.

Dave's organised a John-major-a-gram.

A John-major-a-gram?

Well, they send round a bloke in a suit,

he stands here for ten minutes,

no-one notices, and then he goes away again.

Enjoying the party, everyone?

Fantastic.

Nice of you to come along. Good to see you.

Ah, I'm glad you're enjoying yourself.

I'm not. Fantastic.

All right, ladies and gentlemen.

Pray, jam shut your jaundiced journalistic jaws

and point your pissed peepers at the nearest TV

for that annual highlight,

the Christmas cock-ups tape!

Thank you! They cheer

and here, the Iraqis built a complex network of trenches...

Ok, Jerry, let's go again.

And that is the news on a day

when temperatures soared to record levels.

Good night.

Ok. You're off air.

George, it's not often I complain,

but why have I been given the mad cow item?

And it is in areas like this

that the illegal security guards operate,

with their strong-arm tactics,

untrained personnel and vicious attack dogs.

We've already been thrown off their premises twice.

Dogs bark and growl

come on, Jerry. Give me the camera!

Dog growls

now, I'm not one to complaint, but...

Phone rings

Sally, I think George wants you.

Phone continues ringing

ok, Jerry, go in two. All right?

As serbian snipers in the hills pin down this...

Jerry whispers: You idiot. What? It's dangerous.

Don't be silly, Jerry. They couldn't hit an elephant from this distance.

George, now, I'm not one to complain...

Look, for goodness sake, stop whingeing, Jerry.

What could possibly go wrong? All right? Now, in two.

Here, at this crocodile farm...

Rustling

now, I'm not one to complain, but...

One to complain...

Now, I'm not one to complain...

They cheer

party Hooters fellow newshounds, if I may...

..I'd just like to make a little speech about...

They blow party Hooters

did you enjoy that, sal?

Oh, yes, I like seeing three-year-olds have a good time.

Hey, you wanna be careful, mate.

You know you kill 300 brain cells with every sip.

Yeah, that's 600.

Yes, well, that's why I don't drink.

Very wise. Half a shandy could wipe out the whole brain.

Right, Gus, now...

All: I'm not one to complain!

Right, I'm going home.

Haven't we met somewhere before?

Indeed we have. I thought so. And where was that?

I'm the company nurse.

Ah, yes, excuse me.

How is that nasty little infection?

It's much better. Nice to see you again.

Remember, no sex till you're off the antibiotics.

Soggy biscuit with salmonella pate?

Thank you... no.

All right, Jerry?

Phone rings

hello?

Globelink home for the terminally incontinent,

George dent speaking.

Ah, hello, mr rees-mogg.

Yes, I...

Well, of course, I'm sorry you feel like that.

Well, I'm very worried about it too, it's just that...

As rees-mogg: All I can say is that I find it most disgusting.

I expect a full meeting to be...

Not very funny, Damien.

I'm not drunk.

I have had a drink, but I'm not drunk.

Good.

Because you can have a drink and be drunk,

but I've had a drink...

Because when you have a drink...

You lose your inhibitions

and you can have really interesting conversations.

Alex, old girl, take my advice -

slash your wrists on your 40th birthday.

In fact, when you've had a drink, life can be rather wonderful.

Phone rings

yep? Ah.

He whispers: It's for you.

Hello? Well, no, mummy, now is not exactly the ideal time...

Youth is a blunder,

manhood a struggle,

old age a regret!

Yes, I know. Well, look,

I'll bring that casserole dish back on Christmas day, all right?

Dead rat vol-au-vent?

Oh, they look nice. Come and collect it tomorrow.

Yep, I'll bring it into the office.

Alex! No, look, I've got to go now.

Yes.

Yes, of course, give my love to squeaky.

Fine.

Alex! Who's squeaky?

A budgerigar, Henry.

Oh, a budgie. How sweet.

I had a hamster once, but I stepped on it by mistake.

Poor little montague - I still miss him.

He had a little brown patch over one eye.

Coach, can we have a brief,

to-the-point, on-the-ball conversation?

Doubt it.

Discipline, George.

I have to say I was a little disappointed

with the staff's attitude when I went to make my Christmas speech.

And I also have to say, George,

that I hold you responsible for your lack of control.

He scoffs

you may find this funny,

but I was interlocking with sir royston recently,

and he expressed some serious doubts about you, George.

He laughs

I'll speak to you tomorrow!

Serious doubts?

Ooh! Phone rings

hello? Yeah... oh, yeah, yeah, yeah!

Sod off, you stupid old bugger!

I hope that isn't my mother.

No, no, no, it's just Damien mucking about,

pretending to be sir William rees-mogg...

I suppose we are all hamsters in the great wheel of life.

What do you want for Christmas, little girl?

A kalashnikov.

Sod this for a lark.

Buggered if I'm going to be the only one who's sober.

Cheers!

Alarm clock rings

oh!

Oh.

He sighs

alarm clock beeps

whoo-ow!

He exhales

alarm beeps

alarm clock beeps

she moans

oh, shit.

Oh, shit.

Fancy a bacon sandwich, Henry? I'm off up the canteen in a minute.

Oh, no, thank you, Dave.

I'm feeling a bit queasy,

and just the thought of anything greasy could set me off.

Who wants to check this still of Kenneth Baker?

Excuse me.

Good morning.

He clears his throat morning, Alex.

Morning, Dave.

Let me say how much I've enjoyed walking round the block

in the freezing cold for the last ten minutes.

We couldn't arrive together, could we?

You didn't want everyone to find out.

Course not. Like we said,

let's just put it down as a horrific aberration.

Earlier, you said "a pleasant mistake".

Did I? Well, something like that.

Let's face it, we were both completely...

Hello, everyone!

What a lovely morning it is.

I hope nobody's got a hangover!

Cos, personally, I feel terrific.

Who did Dante put in the first circle of hell

beneath the atheists?

The smug bastards, wasn't it?!

Henry, you know the office rules -

no 14th-century literary allusion before lunchtime.

Phone rings

Alex pates. Hi, mum.

Actually, erm, no,

I didn't bring the casserole dish in.

Ah, well, no, I stayed with a friend last night.

Erm, yeah, well, I'll...

I'll bring it in tomorrow. I've got to go.

George. George...

I, erm...

I notice you and Alex left together last night.

Yeah. Yeah, we shared a cab.

Oh, right.

It's just that she said on the phone to her mum

that she spent the night with a friend.

No, Damien. We didn't, all right?

I was only wondering. Silly idea, really.

Why silly?

Well, not silly, maybe, but... pretty unlikely, isn't it?

Well, I mean, cos Alex is a very attractive, very successful woman.

You saying she's too classy for me?

No... no!

Well, maybe just a bit.

Basically, you're more of a secretaries' man, aren't you?

Well, actually, I did sleep with her.

What was she like? Look...

I am not gonna talk about this, all right?

And I do not want you spreading it around.

Hey... I'm a friend.

You just woke up on Oxford station?

Yes.

I suppose I must have fallen asleep on the train.

Oh, dear.

All the way to Oxford, and I've only got a zone 1, 2 and 3 fare card.

I don't remember a thing.

Did I end up in a curry house?

No, you ended up in a curry. Face-down.

That would explain the smell.

I think it must have been a lamb pasanda.

Now all I've got to do is work out where I got this from.

I'll get you a coffee.

Nice evening last night, Alex?

It was all right, yes.

Alex!

Did any of you use lilburn mini cabs last night?

Erm, I don't recall, Gus.

Oh, cos I've had them on the phone complaining.

Apparently, two people ran off without paying,

one was sick over the driver,

and a red-haired gentleman made a number of obscene suggestions

to the female receptionist.

Disgusting!

I'm going to hold an investigation.

Quite right!

So, what was she like?

Thanks, Damien, thanks a lot.

He winkled it out of me.

Marks out of ten, Dave? And so did she?

Look, I have nothing to say on the subject.

I told you it was a disaster.

It was not a disaster! I always knew she was frigid.

She was fine.

Ah, so it was you that couldn't manage it, eh?

I was fine!

It was very good.

"Horrendous, terrible, embarrassing..."

No, nobody had "very good".

You are running a sweepstake?!

We know that you usually do it, but we didn't think you'd want to.

You know, I do remember going to the station now...

And I think I was sick at some point.

Over a cab driver?

No.

No, definitely wasn't in a taxi cab.

Why are my trousers all frayed and oily?

Listen up.

I believe you were all in the cypress wine bar last night.

Were we? Not me. No.

I have just had a phone call from their manager.

Not only did a red-haired gentleman make a number of obscene suggestions

to one of their waitresses...

..But someone stole some signed photographs of famous clients.

Now, I shall have to open a file on this.

I want to talk to you, George,

about your phone call from William rees-mogg.

What phone call?

Latest on Maxwell's debts. Reckon the high-street banks

are going to have to write off one-and-a-quarter billion.

I bet they won't mention that in the ads -

"we're the bank that likes to say,

"'piss off, because we've given all your money to some fat crook.'"

right! Who threw up in my filing cabinet?!

Suddenly, it's all coming back to me.

Oh, yeah, George, we should cover this.

New police computer - it's gonna make them more efficient.

Yeah. They just feed the suspect's details into the computer,

and it prints out his confession.

George, come with me.

I am going to show you an act of unspeakable barbarism.

There.

What do you think of that?

Yeah, not a bad throw.

And who asked you, mr incompetence?

You've been hours trying to fix that thing.

I can't help it if you abuse it.

Oh, typical! Blame the customer.

So you're saying no-one's abused this machine?

Yes, exactly. Well understood.

Office party, was it?

Happens a lot.

Photocopiers don't like people sitting on them.

Anybody you recognise, Sally?

Ooh, Alex, can I have a word?

Something I feel I ought to tell you - as a friend.

Now, you know how thin the partition is

between the ladies' and the gents'.

Well, I just couldn't help overhearing Henry talking to...

Well, quite a lot of people, actually.

He was saying how Dave claimed he'd slept with you.

Henry said that...

"You weren't at all bad, not frigid like he had expected."

Well, that's something, eh?

Oh, and apparently, you went on top.

Thank you, Sally. What are friends for?

You know, this definitely rings a bell.

I'm just worried she'll find out I blabbed.

Oh, come on, who'd tell her? Yeah, you're right. No-one.

That'd be just downright vindictive. Exactly.

Yeah. Yeah, there's no way she'd find out. Nah!

He gasps

some friend you are - you put my life in danger.

Oh, come on - Alex isn't that vicious.

Yeah, maybe you're right.

Mind you, she did punch that messenger

that pinched her bottom that time.

Oh, yeah! Yeah, we were finding teeth under the desk

for weeks after that one.

I mean, that's what's so impressive about Alex - it's her timing.

Such a natural athlete.

Yeah, the way she hits that tennis ball - smack! Bang!

It's gone. Out.

I think she brought her tennis racket into the office this morning.

Yeah, this is very funny.

Phone rings

hello? Oh, hello, mrs pates.

Yes, it's...

Oh, you're going to come into the office to pick up a casserole?

Yes, yes, I got that. No, no, I...

No, no, I don't mind taking a message. Bye-bye, mrs pates.

Silly old cow.

Alex.

Alex, can we talk? No.

Look, we're going to have to work together.

Listen, Dave, we are mature professionals,

and, as such, we should be perfectly capable

of handling these minor emotional upsets, right?

Right. By the way, I've slashed your car tyres.

Right.

Dave, would you mind leaving us a moment?

Right.

Alex, I just wanted a quick informal chat

about a delicate matter of an intimate nature.

About me sleeping with Dave?

Well, it does seem to have caused a certain amount of disruption.

She laughs

well, obviously, George, I bow to the judgment of the man

who got appallingly drunk at the office party,

ransacked a wine bar, fell asleep in a lamb pasanda,

returned to the office, photocopied his arse,

threw up in his boss' filing cabinet and then mugged a ten-year-old

and attempted to ride his bmx bike to the station.

I tried to ride a bicycle?

Yes. Oh, well, that explains it!

The rips in my trousers and the oil stains...

I remember everything!

If I can I have your attention... this time?

In this Democratic village which we call our workplace...

..I think it's sometimes a good idea

for us to get together and share our problems.

Like the problem of how we're going to pay the claims for compensation

arising from the Christmas party.

So, over to you, coach.

Erm, actually, I'd like to make a staff announcement

while everybody's gathered together, if that's ok? Of course.

Right, now, it may possibly have come to your attention

that I slept with Dave after the office party.

So I would just like to point out,

in the interests of the public's right to know,

that not only does he display all the sexual prowess of a panda,

but he also has a very, very small penis.

So, should any woman in this office ever contemplate sleeping with Dave,

even if she does possess a powerful magnifying glass,

I would suggest that she avoids it like the plague.

And I would just like to close

by saying that getting completely legless

and having a truly dreadful one-night stand

with a sexual incompetent has undoubtedly been

the most excruciatingly embarrassing moment of my life.

Hello, mummy.

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