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And now...
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00:00:03,560 --> 00:00:06,679
This episode was first shown in
the run-up to Christmas '91,
3
00:00:06,680 --> 00:00:09,119
when the full scale of
the Maxwell scandal
4
00:00:09,120 --> 00:00:10,279
began to hit home
5
00:00:10,280 --> 00:00:13,399
and the Soviet union was
about to disappear.
6
00:00:13,400 --> 00:00:16,520
Theme tune plays
7
00:00:49,600 --> 00:00:50,679
right.
8
00:00:50,680 --> 00:00:52,719
Erm, more reactions to the fact
9
00:00:52,720 --> 00:00:55,439
that 25% of seven-year-olds can't read.
10
00:00:55,440 --> 00:00:57,519
It's terrible, isn't it?
11
00:00:57,520 --> 00:01:00,359
Deborah could write by
the time she was five.
12
00:01:00,360 --> 00:01:03,919
I remember on her birthday she
spray-canned, "die, scum,"
13
00:01:03,920 --> 00:01:05,440
on our bedroom wall.
14
00:01:07,080 --> 00:01:09,159
Anyway... now, look,
15
00:01:09,160 --> 00:01:12,479
I know we're all looking forward to
this afternoon's Christmas party,
16
00:01:12,480 --> 00:01:14,639
but I'm sure I don't have to remind you
17
00:01:14,640 --> 00:01:16,719
we all have a lot of work still to do.
18
00:01:16,720 --> 00:01:18,959
Thank you. Just in, George.
19
00:01:18,960 --> 00:01:21,399
Reports of napalm being
used in yugoslavia.
20
00:01:21,400 --> 00:01:22,640
Thank you.
21
00:01:23,920 --> 00:01:27,159
Dave. Dave, we are still working,
so if you could, please...
22
00:01:27,160 --> 00:01:28,319
Mince pie, George?
23
00:01:28,320 --> 00:01:30,119
Thank you. I do not want a mince pie.
24
00:01:30,120 --> 00:01:31,479
George, can I have a quick word?
25
00:01:31,480 --> 00:01:33,879
I've received another letter
from William rees-mogg,
26
00:01:33,880 --> 00:01:35,999
broadcasting standards council.
27
00:01:36,000 --> 00:01:38,319
He'd like some ambiguities resolved
28
00:01:38,320 --> 00:01:41,679
concerning Damien's
"crushed orphans" piece.
29
00:01:41,680 --> 00:01:44,439
I'll leave it in your
safe hands, Goldie.
30
00:01:44,440 --> 00:01:46,199
This is all your fault, Damien.
31
00:01:46,200 --> 00:01:47,399
Oh, come on, George.
32
00:01:47,400 --> 00:01:50,039
It looked great, the
interview with that victim.
33
00:01:50,040 --> 00:01:52,959
All that blood and tubes up her nose.
34
00:01:52,960 --> 00:01:54,319
She only had concussion.
35
00:01:54,320 --> 00:01:56,000
You stuck the tubes up her nose!
36
00:01:57,080 --> 00:01:59,039
And it looked great.
37
00:01:59,040 --> 00:02:01,839
Now, George, I'm going to
need some time off next week
38
00:02:01,840 --> 00:02:05,679
because I'm helping in one of those
Christmas shelters for the homeless.
39
00:02:05,680 --> 00:02:10,239
Oh, right. Well, of course,
we'll try and accommodate that.
40
00:02:10,240 --> 00:02:13,480
Yes, 3.25-3.30, Christmas Eve.
41
00:02:16,520 --> 00:02:18,599
Right. More on Russia's problems.
42
00:02:18,600 --> 00:02:21,759
They want to trade nuclear
missiles for food.
43
00:02:21,760 --> 00:02:24,599
Oh, right. Well, I've got a
few spare bags of sugar -
44
00:02:24,600 --> 00:02:27,879
I could trade them for a warhead
and keep it in my front room
45
00:02:27,880 --> 00:02:30,640
in case those bloody Carol
singers come round again.
46
00:02:32,200 --> 00:02:35,959
I'm getting nowhere here. All
right, all right - meeting over.
47
00:02:35,960 --> 00:02:38,479
You can all go and have your
little Christmas party.
48
00:02:38,480 --> 00:02:40,719
God bless you, mr scrooge.
49
00:02:40,720 --> 00:02:42,679
I won't enjoy it.
50
00:02:42,680 --> 00:02:46,479
I can't even drink on
these pills I'm taking.
51
00:02:46,480 --> 00:02:48,039
Well, one's not going to hurt me.
52
00:02:48,040 --> 00:02:51,039
They all hurt you, George.
53
00:02:51,040 --> 00:02:53,039
Even in small amounts,
54
00:02:53,040 --> 00:02:56,239
alcohol causes headaches,
loss of concentration,
55
00:02:56,240 --> 00:02:57,799
nervousness, depression.
56
00:02:57,800 --> 00:03:00,680
But I've had all those for
months, and I don't even drink.
57
00:03:01,880 --> 00:03:04,559
No, no, no, George - you don't
get maudlin and self-pitying
58
00:03:04,560 --> 00:03:05,799
for another two hours yet.
59
00:03:05,800 --> 00:03:08,279
Have you no respect for the
traditions of Christmas parties?
60
00:03:08,280 --> 00:03:11,159
Here you are. I brought
you all Christmas cards.
61
00:03:11,160 --> 00:03:13,199
Oh. Hmm.
62
00:03:13,200 --> 00:03:14,960
Unlike her to be so thoughtful.
63
00:03:19,000 --> 00:03:22,519
Oh, look - signed by her
personal assistant.
64
00:03:22,520 --> 00:03:26,559
I hope we're not having a
strippagram, like last year.
65
00:03:26,560 --> 00:03:27,759
No, no, no, no.
66
00:03:27,760 --> 00:03:29,800
Dave's organised a John-major-a-gram.
67
00:03:31,320 --> 00:03:33,039
A John-major-a-gram?
68
00:03:33,040 --> 00:03:34,839
Well, they send round
a bloke in a suit,
69
00:03:34,840 --> 00:03:36,399
he stands here for ten minutes,
70
00:03:36,400 --> 00:03:38,560
no-one notices, and then
he goes away again.
71
00:03:41,280 --> 00:03:43,879
Enjoying the party, everyone?
72
00:03:43,880 --> 00:03:45,240
Fantastic.
73
00:03:46,360 --> 00:03:48,559
Nice of you to come along.
Good to see you.
74
00:03:48,560 --> 00:03:50,479
Ah, I'm glad you're enjoying yourself.
75
00:03:50,480 --> 00:03:52,920
I'm not. Fantastic.
76
00:03:53,960 --> 00:03:55,679
All right, ladies and gentlemen.
77
00:03:55,680 --> 00:03:59,119
Pray, jam shut your
jaundiced journalistic jaws
78
00:03:59,120 --> 00:04:01,959
and point your pissed
peepers at the nearest TV
79
00:04:01,960 --> 00:04:03,679
for that annual highlight,
80
00:04:03,680 --> 00:04:06,039
the Christmas cock-ups tape!
81
00:04:06,040 --> 00:04:07,559
Thank you! They cheer
82
00:04:07,560 --> 00:04:12,320
and here, the Iraqis built a
complex network of trenches...
83
00:04:16,520 --> 00:04:18,440
Ok, Jerry, let's go again.
84
00:04:19,960 --> 00:04:21,559
And that is the news on a day
85
00:04:21,560 --> 00:04:24,839
when temperatures soared
to record levels.
86
00:04:24,840 --> 00:04:26,120
Good night.
87
00:04:27,760 --> 00:04:29,080
Ok. You're off air.
88
00:04:32,880 --> 00:04:35,319
George, it's not often I complain,
89
00:04:35,320 --> 00:04:38,039
but why have I been
given the mad cow item?
90
00:04:38,040 --> 00:04:39,999
And it is in areas like this
91
00:04:40,000 --> 00:04:43,279
that the illegal
security guards operate,
92
00:04:43,280 --> 00:04:45,039
with their strong-arm tactics,
93
00:04:45,040 --> 00:04:48,079
untrained personnel and
vicious attack dogs.
94
00:04:48,080 --> 00:04:50,759
We've already been thrown
off their premises twice.
95
00:04:50,760 --> 00:04:52,880
Dogs bark and growl
96
00:04:56,360 --> 00:04:59,959
come on, Jerry. Give me the camera!
97
00:04:59,960 --> 00:05:01,440
Dog growls
98
00:05:03,600 --> 00:05:05,759
now, I'm not one to complaint, but...
99
00:05:05,760 --> 00:05:09,399
Phone rings
100
00:05:09,400 --> 00:05:11,600
Sally, I think George wants you.
101
00:05:15,160 --> 00:05:17,200
Phone continues ringing
102
00:05:20,640 --> 00:05:22,560
ok, Jerry, go in two. All right?
103
00:05:23,600 --> 00:05:26,879
As serbian snipers in the
hills pin down this...
104
00:05:26,880 --> 00:05:30,159
Jerry whispers: You idiot.
What? It's dangerous.
105
00:05:30,160 --> 00:05:33,480
Don't be silly, Jerry. They couldn't
hit an elephant from this distance.
106
00:05:40,720 --> 00:05:42,880
George, now, I'm not one to complain...
107
00:05:46,200 --> 00:05:48,999
Look, for goodness sake,
stop whingeing, Jerry.
108
00:05:49,000 --> 00:05:52,480
What could possibly go wrong?
All right? Now, in two.
109
00:05:54,120 --> 00:05:55,839
Here, at this crocodile farm...
110
00:05:55,840 --> 00:05:57,800
Rustling
111
00:06:03,920 --> 00:06:05,919
now, I'm not one to complain, but...
112
00:06:05,920 --> 00:06:07,239
One to complain...
113
00:06:07,240 --> 00:06:10,600
Now, I'm not one to complain...
114
00:06:13,680 --> 00:06:15,919
They cheer
115
00:06:15,920 --> 00:06:18,960
party Hooters fellow
newshounds, if I may...
116
00:06:20,440 --> 00:06:23,119
..I'd just like to make a
little speech about...
117
00:06:23,120 --> 00:06:24,919
They blow party Hooters
118
00:06:24,920 --> 00:06:26,879
did you enjoy that, sal?
119
00:06:26,880 --> 00:06:29,720
Oh, yes, I like seeing
three-year-olds have a good time.
120
00:06:31,040 --> 00:06:32,799
Hey, you wanna be careful, mate.
121
00:06:32,800 --> 00:06:36,239
You know you kill 300 brain
cells with every sip.
122
00:06:36,240 --> 00:06:37,599
Yeah, that's 600.
123
00:06:37,600 --> 00:06:40,399
Yes, well, that's why I don't drink.
124
00:06:40,400 --> 00:06:44,400
Very wise. Half a shandy could
wipe out the whole brain.
125
00:06:47,040 --> 00:06:49,679
Right, Gus, now...
126
00:06:49,680 --> 00:06:52,719
All: I'm not one to complain!
127
00:06:52,720 --> 00:06:54,999
Right, I'm going home.
128
00:06:55,000 --> 00:06:57,839
Haven't we met somewhere before?
129
00:06:57,840 --> 00:07:01,839
Indeed we have. I thought so.
And where was that?
130
00:07:01,840 --> 00:07:03,719
I'm the company nurse.
131
00:07:03,720 --> 00:07:05,359
Ah, yes, excuse me.
132
00:07:05,360 --> 00:07:08,119
How is that nasty little infection?
133
00:07:08,120 --> 00:07:10,359
It's much better. Nice
to see you again.
134
00:07:10,360 --> 00:07:14,000
Remember, no sex till
you're off the antibiotics.
135
00:07:15,280 --> 00:07:18,159
Soggy biscuit with salmonella pate?
136
00:07:18,160 --> 00:07:20,199
Thank you... no.
137
00:07:20,200 --> 00:07:22,400
All right, Jerry?
138
00:07:25,080 --> 00:07:27,759
Phone rings
139
00:07:27,760 --> 00:07:29,239
hello?
140
00:07:29,240 --> 00:07:31,999
Globelink home for the
terminally incontinent,
141
00:07:32,000 --> 00:07:33,799
George dent speaking.
142
00:07:33,800 --> 00:07:37,479
Ah, hello, mr rees-mogg.
143
00:07:37,480 --> 00:07:38,959
Yes, I...
144
00:07:38,960 --> 00:07:42,360
Well, of course, I'm sorry
you feel like that.
145
00:07:43,640 --> 00:07:46,559
Well, I'm very worried about
it too, it's just that...
146
00:07:46,560 --> 00:07:49,399
As rees-mogg: All I can say is
that I find it most disgusting.
147
00:07:49,400 --> 00:07:51,640
I expect a full meeting to be...
148
00:07:52,640 --> 00:07:53,920
Not very funny, Damien.
149
00:07:58,080 --> 00:07:59,200
I'm not drunk.
150
00:08:00,640 --> 00:08:03,399
I have had a drink, but I'm not drunk.
151
00:08:03,400 --> 00:08:05,199
Good.
152
00:08:05,200 --> 00:08:08,479
Because you can have a
drink and be drunk,
153
00:08:08,480 --> 00:08:10,999
but I've had a drink...
154
00:08:11,000 --> 00:08:14,159
Because when you have a drink...
155
00:08:14,160 --> 00:08:17,239
You lose your inhibitions
156
00:08:17,240 --> 00:08:20,360
and you can have really
interesting conversations.
157
00:08:23,400 --> 00:08:25,199
Alex, old girl, take my advice -
158
00:08:25,200 --> 00:08:27,560
slash your wrists on
your 40th birthday.
159
00:08:29,480 --> 00:08:34,039
In fact, when you've had a drink,
life can be rather wonderful.
160
00:08:34,040 --> 00:08:35,919
Phone rings
161
00:08:35,920 --> 00:08:38,679
yep? Ah.
162
00:08:38,680 --> 00:08:41,039
He whispers: It's for you.
163
00:08:41,040 --> 00:08:46,639
Hello? Well, no, mummy, now is
not exactly the ideal time...
164
00:08:46,640 --> 00:08:49,119
Youth is a blunder,
165
00:08:49,120 --> 00:08:50,799
manhood a struggle,
166
00:08:50,800 --> 00:08:52,679
old age a regret!
167
00:08:52,680 --> 00:08:54,159
Yes, I know. Well, look,
168
00:08:54,160 --> 00:08:56,879
I'll bring that casserole dish
back on Christmas day, all right?
169
00:08:56,880 --> 00:08:58,920
Dead rat vol-au-vent?
170
00:09:00,040 --> 00:09:02,919
Oh, they look nice. Come
and collect it tomorrow.
171
00:09:02,920 --> 00:09:04,399
Yep, I'll bring it into the office.
172
00:09:04,400 --> 00:09:06,880
Alex! No, look, I've got to go now.
173
00:09:07,840 --> 00:09:09,239
Yes.
174
00:09:09,240 --> 00:09:12,040
Yes, of course, give
my love to squeaky.
175
00:09:13,840 --> 00:09:15,079
Fine.
176
00:09:15,080 --> 00:09:17,399
Alex! Who's squeaky?
177
00:09:17,400 --> 00:09:19,479
A budgerigar, Henry.
178
00:09:19,480 --> 00:09:22,799
Oh, a budgie. How sweet.
179
00:09:22,800 --> 00:09:26,600
I had a hamster once, but I
stepped on it by mistake.
180
00:09:28,080 --> 00:09:29,959
Poor little montague
- I still miss him.
181
00:09:29,960 --> 00:09:32,799
He had a little brown
patch over one eye.
182
00:09:32,800 --> 00:09:34,839
Coach, can we have a brief,
183
00:09:34,840 --> 00:09:36,959
to-the-point, on-the-ball conversation?
184
00:09:36,960 --> 00:09:38,240
Doubt it.
185
00:09:40,760 --> 00:09:42,639
Discipline, George.
186
00:09:42,640 --> 00:09:44,439
I have to say I was a
little disappointed
187
00:09:44,440 --> 00:09:47,360
with the staff's attitude when I
went to make my Christmas speech.
188
00:09:50,520 --> 00:09:52,239
And I also have to say, George,
189
00:09:52,240 --> 00:09:55,679
that I hold you responsible
for your lack of control.
190
00:09:55,680 --> 00:09:58,079
He scoffs
191
00:09:58,080 --> 00:09:59,279
you may find this funny,
192
00:09:59,280 --> 00:10:01,559
but I was interlocking
with sir royston recently,
193
00:10:01,560 --> 00:10:06,520
and he expressed some serious
doubts about you, George.
194
00:10:07,560 --> 00:10:09,240
He laughs
195
00:10:12,360 --> 00:10:14,679
I'll speak to you tomorrow!
196
00:10:14,680 --> 00:10:16,759
Serious doubts?
197
00:10:16,760 --> 00:10:18,039
Ooh! Phone rings
198
00:10:18,040 --> 00:10:21,879
hello? Yeah... oh, yeah, yeah, yeah!
199
00:10:21,880 --> 00:10:24,239
Sod off, you stupid old bugger!
200
00:10:24,240 --> 00:10:26,559
I hope that isn't my mother.
201
00:10:26,560 --> 00:10:29,199
No, no, no, it's just
Damien mucking about,
202
00:10:29,200 --> 00:10:31,200
pretending to be sir
William rees-mogg...
203
00:10:36,320 --> 00:10:42,319
I suppose we are all hamsters
in the great wheel of life.
204
00:10:42,320 --> 00:10:44,399
What do you want for
Christmas, little girl?
205
00:10:44,400 --> 00:10:45,720
A kalashnikov.
206
00:10:47,200 --> 00:10:48,799
Sod this for a lark.
207
00:10:48,800 --> 00:10:51,360
Buggered if I'm going to be
the only one who's sober.
208
00:10:52,600 --> 00:10:53,920
Cheers!
209
00:10:55,960 --> 00:10:58,119
Alarm clock rings
210
00:10:58,120 --> 00:10:59,800
oh!
211
00:11:01,080 --> 00:11:02,280
Oh.
212
00:11:03,480 --> 00:11:04,640
He sighs
213
00:11:17,240 --> 00:11:19,640
alarm clock beeps
214
00:11:22,520 --> 00:11:23,880
whoo-ow!
215
00:11:28,440 --> 00:11:29,999
He exhales
216
00:11:30,000 --> 00:11:31,920
alarm beeps
217
00:11:53,560 --> 00:11:56,759
alarm clock beeps
218
00:11:56,760 --> 00:11:58,080
she moans
219
00:12:18,640 --> 00:12:21,040
oh, shit.
220
00:12:26,680 --> 00:12:28,040
Oh, shit.
221
00:12:32,444 --> 00:12:35,923
Fancy a bacon sandwich, Henry? I'm
off up the canteen in a minute.
222
00:12:35,924 --> 00:12:37,403
Oh, no, thank you, Dave.
223
00:12:37,404 --> 00:12:38,843
I'm feeling a bit queasy,
224
00:12:38,844 --> 00:12:42,043
and just the thought of anything
greasy could set me off.
225
00:12:42,044 --> 00:12:44,723
Who wants to check this
still of Kenneth Baker?
226
00:12:44,724 --> 00:12:46,444
Excuse me.
227
00:12:48,644 --> 00:12:51,043
Good morning.
228
00:12:51,044 --> 00:12:52,963
He clears his throat morning, Alex.
229
00:12:52,964 --> 00:12:54,444
Morning, Dave.
230
00:12:56,764 --> 00:12:59,563
Let me say how much I've enjoyed
walking round the block
231
00:12:59,564 --> 00:13:01,843
in the freezing cold for
the last ten minutes.
232
00:13:01,844 --> 00:13:04,003
We couldn't arrive together, could we?
233
00:13:04,004 --> 00:13:05,923
You didn't want everyone to find out.
234
00:13:05,924 --> 00:13:07,763
Course not. Like we said,
235
00:13:07,764 --> 00:13:11,324
let's just put it down as
a horrific aberration.
236
00:13:13,004 --> 00:13:15,484
Earlier, you said "a pleasant mistake".
237
00:13:16,804 --> 00:13:19,603
Did I? Well, something like that.
238
00:13:19,604 --> 00:13:21,803
Let's face it, we were
both completely...
239
00:13:21,804 --> 00:13:23,523
Hello, everyone!
240
00:13:23,524 --> 00:13:25,643
What a lovely morning it is.
241
00:13:25,644 --> 00:13:28,924
I hope nobody's got a hangover!
242
00:13:30,044 --> 00:13:32,923
Cos, personally, I feel terrific.
243
00:13:32,924 --> 00:13:36,883
Who did Dante put in the
first circle of hell
244
00:13:36,884 --> 00:13:38,123
beneath the atheists?
245
00:13:38,124 --> 00:13:39,964
The smug bastards, wasn't it?!
246
00:13:41,204 --> 00:13:42,883
Henry, you know the office rules -
247
00:13:42,884 --> 00:13:45,523
no 14th-century literary
allusion before lunchtime.
248
00:13:45,524 --> 00:13:47,923
Phone rings
249
00:13:47,924 --> 00:13:50,644
Alex pates. Hi, mum.
250
00:13:52,244 --> 00:13:54,043
Actually, erm, no,
251
00:13:54,044 --> 00:13:56,404
I didn't bring the casserole dish in.
252
00:13:57,804 --> 00:14:01,204
Ah, well, no, I stayed
with a friend last night.
253
00:14:05,164 --> 00:14:07,683
Erm, yeah, well, I'll...
254
00:14:07,684 --> 00:14:10,204
I'll bring it in tomorrow.
I've got to go.
255
00:14:11,764 --> 00:14:14,124
George. George...
256
00:14:18,444 --> 00:14:20,603
I, erm...
257
00:14:20,604 --> 00:14:23,483
I notice you and Alex
left together last night.
258
00:14:23,484 --> 00:14:25,483
Yeah. Yeah, we shared a cab.
259
00:14:25,484 --> 00:14:26,763
Oh, right.
260
00:14:26,764 --> 00:14:29,803
It's just that she said
on the phone to her mum
261
00:14:29,804 --> 00:14:32,043
that she spent the night with a friend.
262
00:14:32,044 --> 00:14:35,083
No, Damien. We didn't, all right?
263
00:14:35,084 --> 00:14:38,204
I was only wondering.
Silly idea, really.
264
00:14:39,484 --> 00:14:40,764
Why silly?
265
00:14:42,004 --> 00:14:46,004
Well, not silly, maybe, but...
pretty unlikely, isn't it?
266
00:14:47,564 --> 00:14:51,484
Well, I mean, cos Alex is a very
attractive, very successful woman.
267
00:14:54,284 --> 00:14:56,283
You saying she's too classy for me?
268
00:14:56,284 --> 00:14:58,123
No... no!
269
00:14:58,124 --> 00:14:59,604
Well, maybe just a bit.
270
00:15:06,604 --> 00:15:09,323
Basically, you're more of a
secretaries' man, aren't you?
271
00:15:09,324 --> 00:15:11,203
Well, actually, I did sleep with her.
272
00:15:11,204 --> 00:15:12,724
What was she like? Look...
273
00:15:15,484 --> 00:15:17,563
I am not gonna talk
about this, all right?
274
00:15:17,564 --> 00:15:19,483
And I do not want you
spreading it around.
275
00:15:19,484 --> 00:15:21,964
Hey... I'm a friend.
276
00:15:25,484 --> 00:15:28,843
You just woke up on Oxford station?
277
00:15:28,844 --> 00:15:30,683
Yes.
278
00:15:30,684 --> 00:15:34,483
I suppose I must have
fallen asleep on the train.
279
00:15:34,484 --> 00:15:36,243
Oh, dear.
280
00:15:36,244 --> 00:15:41,284
All the way to Oxford, and I've only
got a zone 1, 2 and 3 fare card.
281
00:15:42,364 --> 00:15:44,843
I don't remember a thing.
282
00:15:44,844 --> 00:15:47,123
Did I end up in a curry house?
283
00:15:47,124 --> 00:15:49,364
No, you ended up in a curry. Face-down.
284
00:15:51,244 --> 00:15:53,004
That would explain the smell.
285
00:15:54,324 --> 00:15:56,844
I think it must have
been a lamb pasanda.
286
00:15:57,924 --> 00:16:01,564
Now all I've got to do is work
out where I got this from.
287
00:16:07,124 --> 00:16:08,884
I'll get you a coffee.
288
00:16:10,884 --> 00:16:14,084
Nice evening last night, Alex?
289
00:16:15,204 --> 00:16:16,883
It was all right, yes.
290
00:16:16,884 --> 00:16:18,363
Alex!
291
00:16:18,364 --> 00:16:22,403
Did any of you use lilburn
mini cabs last night?
292
00:16:22,404 --> 00:16:24,843
Erm, I don't recall, Gus.
293
00:16:24,844 --> 00:16:27,603
Oh, cos I've had them on
the phone complaining.
294
00:16:27,604 --> 00:16:31,203
Apparently, two people
ran off without paying,
295
00:16:31,204 --> 00:16:34,123
one was sick over the driver,
296
00:16:34,124 --> 00:16:37,923
and a red-haired gentleman made
a number of obscene suggestions
297
00:16:37,924 --> 00:16:39,843
to the female receptionist.
298
00:16:39,844 --> 00:16:41,084
Disgusting!
299
00:16:42,644 --> 00:16:44,363
I'm going to hold an investigation.
300
00:16:44,364 --> 00:16:45,644
Quite right!
301
00:16:47,804 --> 00:16:49,644
So, what was she like?
302
00:16:51,484 --> 00:16:54,083
Thanks, Damien, thanks a lot.
303
00:16:54,084 --> 00:16:55,563
He winkled it out of me.
304
00:16:55,564 --> 00:16:58,204
Marks out of ten, Dave? And so did she?
305
00:16:59,604 --> 00:17:01,523
Look, I have nothing
to say on the subject.
306
00:17:01,524 --> 00:17:02,803
I told you it was a disaster.
307
00:17:02,804 --> 00:17:05,523
It was not a disaster! I
always knew she was frigid.
308
00:17:05,524 --> 00:17:07,163
She was fine.
309
00:17:07,164 --> 00:17:09,003
Ah, so it was you that
couldn't manage it, eh?
310
00:17:09,004 --> 00:17:10,564
I was fine!
311
00:17:14,804 --> 00:17:17,403
It was very good.
312
00:17:17,404 --> 00:17:19,763
"Horrendous, terrible, embarrassing..."
313
00:17:19,764 --> 00:17:21,643
No, nobody had "very good".
314
00:17:21,644 --> 00:17:24,284
You are running a sweepstake?!
315
00:17:25,404 --> 00:17:28,844
We know that you usually do it, but
we didn't think you'd want to.
316
00:17:30,604 --> 00:17:33,923
You know, I do remember
going to the station now...
317
00:17:33,924 --> 00:17:37,043
And I think I was sick at some point.
318
00:17:37,044 --> 00:17:38,563
Over a cab driver?
319
00:17:38,564 --> 00:17:40,003
No.
320
00:17:40,004 --> 00:17:42,563
No, definitely wasn't in a taxi cab.
321
00:17:42,564 --> 00:17:45,723
Why are my trousers
all frayed and oily?
322
00:17:45,724 --> 00:17:47,443
Listen up.
323
00:17:47,444 --> 00:17:51,643
I believe you were all in the
cypress wine bar last night.
324
00:17:51,644 --> 00:17:54,603
Were we? Not me. No.
325
00:17:54,604 --> 00:17:57,523
I have just had a phone
call from their manager.
326
00:17:57,524 --> 00:18:01,003
Not only did a red-haired gentleman
make a number of obscene suggestions
327
00:18:01,004 --> 00:18:02,404
to one of their waitresses...
328
00:18:03,924 --> 00:18:08,644
..But someone stole some signed
photographs of famous clients.
329
00:18:13,204 --> 00:18:16,083
Now, I shall have to
open a file on this.
330
00:18:16,084 --> 00:18:17,563
I want to talk to you, George,
331
00:18:17,564 --> 00:18:20,044
about your phone call
from William rees-mogg.
332
00:18:21,924 --> 00:18:23,723
What phone call?
333
00:18:23,724 --> 00:18:26,443
Latest on Maxwell's debts.
Reckon the high-street banks
334
00:18:26,444 --> 00:18:29,123
are going to have to write off
one-and-a-quarter billion.
335
00:18:29,124 --> 00:18:31,083
I bet they won't mention
that in the ads -
336
00:18:31,084 --> 00:18:32,603
"we're the bank that likes to say,
337
00:18:32,604 --> 00:18:36,683
"'piss off, because we've given all
your money to some fat crook.'"
338
00:18:36,684 --> 00:18:40,244
right! Who threw up in
my filing cabinet?!
339
00:18:43,724 --> 00:18:45,924
Suddenly, it's all coming back to me.
340
00:18:48,964 --> 00:18:50,923
Oh, yeah, George, we should cover this.
341
00:18:50,924 --> 00:18:53,683
New police computer - it's gonna
make them more efficient.
342
00:18:53,684 --> 00:18:56,923
Yeah. They just feed the suspect's
details into the computer,
343
00:18:56,924 --> 00:18:58,723
and it prints out his confession.
344
00:18:58,724 --> 00:19:00,724
George, come with me.
345
00:19:01,724 --> 00:19:05,123
I am going to show you an act
of unspeakable barbarism.
346
00:19:05,124 --> 00:19:06,363
There.
347
00:19:06,364 --> 00:19:08,603
What do you think of that?
348
00:19:08,604 --> 00:19:10,763
Yeah, not a bad throw.
349
00:19:10,764 --> 00:19:13,483
And who asked you, mr incompetence?
350
00:19:13,484 --> 00:19:15,523
You've been hours trying
to fix that thing.
351
00:19:15,524 --> 00:19:17,163
I can't help it if you abuse it.
352
00:19:17,164 --> 00:19:19,363
Oh, typical! Blame the customer.
353
00:19:19,364 --> 00:19:21,963
So you're saying no-one's
abused this machine?
354
00:19:21,964 --> 00:19:26,004
Yes, exactly. Well understood.
355
00:19:29,804 --> 00:19:31,803
Office party, was it?
356
00:19:31,804 --> 00:19:33,243
Happens a lot.
357
00:19:33,244 --> 00:19:36,003
Photocopiers don't like
people sitting on them.
358
00:19:36,004 --> 00:19:38,043
Anybody you recognise, Sally?
359
00:19:38,044 --> 00:19:40,763
Ooh, Alex, can I have a word?
360
00:19:40,764 --> 00:19:43,724
Something I feel I ought
to tell you - as a friend.
361
00:19:45,004 --> 00:19:47,203
Now, you know how thin the partition is
362
00:19:47,204 --> 00:19:49,283
between the ladies' and the gents'.
363
00:19:49,284 --> 00:19:52,643
Well, I just couldn't help
overhearing Henry talking to...
364
00:19:52,644 --> 00:19:55,563
Well, quite a lot of people, actually.
365
00:19:55,564 --> 00:19:58,643
He was saying how Dave
claimed he'd slept with you.
366
00:19:58,644 --> 00:20:01,763
Henry said that...
367
00:20:01,764 --> 00:20:06,563
"You weren't at all bad, not
frigid like he had expected."
368
00:20:06,564 --> 00:20:08,244
Well, that's something, eh?
369
00:20:09,564 --> 00:20:13,043
Oh, and apparently, you went on top.
370
00:20:13,044 --> 00:20:16,684
Thank you, Sally. What are friends for?
371
00:20:19,324 --> 00:20:22,124
You know, this definitely rings a bell.
372
00:20:23,444 --> 00:20:25,963
I'm just worried she'll
find out I blabbed.
373
00:20:25,964 --> 00:20:29,123
Oh, come on, who'd tell her?
Yeah, you're right. No-one.
374
00:20:29,124 --> 00:20:32,043
That'd be just downright vindictive.
Exactly.
375
00:20:32,044 --> 00:20:34,764
Yeah. Yeah, there's no
way she'd find out. Nah!
376
00:20:36,284 --> 00:20:38,124
He gasps
377
00:20:44,484 --> 00:20:47,723
some friend you are - you
put my life in danger.
378
00:20:47,724 --> 00:20:51,083
Oh, come on - Alex isn't that vicious.
379
00:20:51,084 --> 00:20:52,683
Yeah, maybe you're right.
380
00:20:52,684 --> 00:20:55,203
Mind you, she did punch that messenger
381
00:20:55,204 --> 00:20:56,683
that pinched her bottom that time.
382
00:20:56,684 --> 00:20:59,923
Oh, yeah! Yeah, we were
finding teeth under the desk
383
00:20:59,924 --> 00:21:01,243
for weeks after that one.
384
00:21:01,244 --> 00:21:04,883
I mean, that's what's so impressive
about Alex - it's her timing.
385
00:21:04,884 --> 00:21:06,723
Such a natural athlete.
386
00:21:06,724 --> 00:21:08,843
Yeah, the way she hits that
tennis ball - smack! Bang!
387
00:21:08,844 --> 00:21:11,043
It's gone. Out.
388
00:21:11,044 --> 00:21:14,083
I think she brought her tennis
racket into the office this morning.
389
00:21:14,084 --> 00:21:15,883
Yeah, this is very funny.
390
00:21:15,884 --> 00:21:17,483
Phone rings
391
00:21:17,484 --> 00:21:20,483
hello? Oh, hello, mrs pates.
392
00:21:20,484 --> 00:21:21,723
Yes, it's...
393
00:21:21,724 --> 00:21:27,363
Oh, you're going to come into the
office to pick up a casserole?
394
00:21:27,364 --> 00:21:30,683
Yes, yes, I got that. No, no, I...
395
00:21:30,684 --> 00:21:35,363
No, no, I don't mind taking a message.
Bye-bye, mrs pates.
396
00:21:35,364 --> 00:21:36,804
Silly old cow.
397
00:21:37,804 --> 00:21:38,964
Alex.
398
00:21:40,204 --> 00:21:42,923
Alex, can we talk? No.
399
00:21:42,924 --> 00:21:45,003
Look, we're going to
have to work together.
400
00:21:45,004 --> 00:21:47,763
Listen, Dave, we are
mature professionals,
401
00:21:47,764 --> 00:21:50,203
and, as such, we should
be perfectly capable
402
00:21:50,204 --> 00:21:52,723
of handling these minor
emotional upsets, right?
403
00:21:52,724 --> 00:21:55,204
Right. By the way, I've
slashed your car tyres.
404
00:21:56,804 --> 00:21:57,843
Right.
405
00:21:57,844 --> 00:21:59,843
Dave, would you mind
leaving us a moment?
406
00:21:59,844 --> 00:22:01,084
Right.
407
00:22:02,764 --> 00:22:05,483
Alex, I just wanted a
quick informal chat
408
00:22:05,484 --> 00:22:08,644
about a delicate matter
of an intimate nature.
409
00:22:10,444 --> 00:22:12,283
About me sleeping with Dave?
410
00:22:12,284 --> 00:22:15,043
Well, it does seem to have caused
a certain amount of disruption.
411
00:22:15,044 --> 00:22:16,483
She laughs
412
00:22:16,484 --> 00:22:19,883
well, obviously, George, I bow
to the judgment of the man
413
00:22:19,884 --> 00:22:22,163
who got appallingly drunk
at the office party,
414
00:22:22,164 --> 00:22:24,723
ransacked a wine bar, fell
asleep in a lamb pasanda,
415
00:22:24,724 --> 00:22:27,123
returned to the office,
photocopied his arse,
416
00:22:27,124 --> 00:22:30,163
threw up in his boss' filing cabinet
and then mugged a ten-year-old
417
00:22:30,164 --> 00:22:32,364
and attempted to ride his
bmx bike to the station.
418
00:22:34,964 --> 00:22:36,523
I tried to ride a bicycle?
419
00:22:36,524 --> 00:22:40,123
Yes. Oh, well, that explains it!
420
00:22:40,124 --> 00:22:43,523
The rips in my trousers
and the oil stains...
421
00:22:43,524 --> 00:22:44,923
I remember everything!
422
00:22:44,924 --> 00:22:48,603
If I can I have your attention...
this time?
423
00:22:48,604 --> 00:22:52,444
In this Democratic village
which we call our workplace...
424
00:22:54,804 --> 00:22:56,763
..I think it's sometimes a good idea
425
00:22:56,764 --> 00:23:00,363
for us to get together
and share our problems.
426
00:23:00,364 --> 00:23:03,843
Like the problem of how we're going
to pay the claims for compensation
427
00:23:03,844 --> 00:23:05,963
arising from the Christmas party.
428
00:23:05,964 --> 00:23:08,764
So, over to you, coach.
429
00:23:09,844 --> 00:23:12,203
Erm, actually, I'd like to
make a staff announcement
430
00:23:12,204 --> 00:23:15,044
while everybody's gathered
together, if that's ok? Of course.
431
00:23:18,004 --> 00:23:22,283
Right, now, it may possibly
have come to your attention
432
00:23:22,284 --> 00:23:25,004
that I slept with Dave
after the office party.
433
00:23:27,204 --> 00:23:28,643
So I would just like to point out,
434
00:23:28,644 --> 00:23:31,323
in the interests of the
public's right to know,
435
00:23:31,324 --> 00:23:34,323
that not only does he display all
the sexual prowess of a panda,
436
00:23:34,324 --> 00:23:37,483
but he also has a very,
very small penis.
437
00:23:37,484 --> 00:23:42,923
So, should any woman in this office
ever contemplate sleeping with Dave,
438
00:23:42,924 --> 00:23:45,483
even if she does possess a
powerful magnifying glass,
439
00:23:45,484 --> 00:23:49,243
I would suggest that she
avoids it like the plague.
440
00:23:49,244 --> 00:23:50,723
And I would just like to close
441
00:23:50,724 --> 00:23:52,923
by saying that getting
completely legless
442
00:23:52,924 --> 00:23:55,283
and having a truly
dreadful one-night stand
443
00:23:55,284 --> 00:23:57,883
with a sexual incompetent
has undoubtedly been
444
00:23:57,884 --> 00:24:01,124
the most excruciatingly
embarrassing moment of my life.
445
00:24:09,644 --> 00:24:10,884
Hello, mummy.
446
00:24:10,934 --> 00:24:15,484
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