All language subtitles for Drop The Dead Donkey s02e12 Daves Day.eng

Voiceover: And now,
drop the dead donkey.

This episode was first
shown in December '91,

in a week when William Kennedy Smith

was acquitted of rape in the us,

while ec leaders argued over

political union in maastricht.

And as a result I'm
calmer, I'm more centred,

and since I came to see you last week,

I haven't placed a single bet.

Good. So, you must feel
you're successfully rejecting

compulsive behaviour patterns.

Hmm, no, not really. I've
started smoking again.

What about your other forms
of compulsive behaviour?

Have you slept with any
married women this week?

Hmm...

Not this week, no.

Oh, well, that's something. Anyway,
getting back to the smoking...

Yeah, well, it was yesterday morning.

Because of the chaos at London bridge,

I had an absolutely
appalling journey into work

on the northern line. 45
minutes stuck in a tunnel.

'So, at Camden town I got
out and caught the bus.

'But that broke down, so I got a cab.'

horns beep come on,
get a bloody move on!

Ban private cars, that's the answer.
And buses. Just have cabs.

'Ere, how would you handle
this traffic problem, guvnor?

Well, personally, I'd round
up all the pedestrians,

cyclists and blacks into
a big football stadium,

and then I'd execute
'em with death squads.

Oh, you're a cabbie
yourself, then, are ya?

Yeah, you're right about
the death squads.

'In 15 minutes, we travelled no further

'than the daily mileage of
an unambitious scallop.

'So I got out and walked.

'And I arrived so wound up,

'i just had to have my first
ciggy in four months.'

god, you're late.

Incident involving the
attendance of the fire brigade

at Camden town tube.

Fire? No.

Incident involving the
attendance of the fire brigade.

I expect a cat had got stuck up a
tree in the booking office. I dunno.

Hey, you're smoking again...
oh, I get it. So,

the strain of giving up gambling's
driven you back to the fags?

Not at all. I can handle it. There
you go, you see. No problem.

I'm in control. Any stories breaking?

Yeah, lots more stuff on Maxwell.

They've found more women at the
mirror who've slept with him.

How d'you think they managed
to track them down?

It's easy, innit? You just
look for all the secretaries

who were in permanent traction.

Ah, David, what time do you call this?

Half past ten, what
time do you call it?

Dave! Yeah, I'm sorry, George.
What happened was...

Your alarm clock was eaten by martians?

No, at Camden town...

Your street was blocked by
hoards of migrating wildebeest?

Listen, Dave, we're way
behind cos of you.

Why can't you be more
professional for once?

Phone rings yes?

Look, I'm in the middle
of a meeting, mummy.

No.

No, I haven't heard
anything about John Major

agreeing to take away old age
pensions and give the money

to Portuguese lesbians, no.

Well, mrs backman next door isn't
exactly a reliable source, is she?

She's the one who told you you could
catch bse from tinned peaches.

Look, I've got to go.
I'll call you later.

Yup. Bye.

Come on, Alex, we're
way behind cos of you.

Listen, sunbeam... all right, all right.
What's this?

It's a list of the times this
week when I'm not available.

I'm going to be extremely busy.

I've instructed my agent I
want my image driven upmarket.

More radio 4.

I understand the BBC are very keen

to have me as a castaway
on desert island discs.

Yes, they'll probably want
to use a real desert island.

Can we all get some work done, please?

Dave, I want a word in my office.

Oh, and, joy, you couldn't make
me a cup of coffee, could you?

That's right, I couldn't. I'm busy.

It just gets worse.

Now, Dave... yes, I know, George,

you want to talk to me about lateness.

No, no. It's not just your lateness.
It's your general attitude.

It's the womanising, the gambling...

Ah, now, if I can stop you there,
George? I am happy to say that

I have not placed a
single bet this week.

I'm seeing this therapist, he
specialises in curing obsessives.

He's fantastic, you should see him.

I am not an obsessive.

And I certainly don't
need to see a therapist.

All right, George, I just thought
with all your problems recently,

you know... Margaret leaving
you and everything.

Yes, well, actually, I've got some
rather good news on that front.

Margaret came back at the weekend.
It's just a trial thing, you know.

That is terrific,
George, I'm so pleased.

Yes, we've agreed to talk through
all our problems from now on.

In fact, we've talked through
several of mine already.

Margaret says that I don't
trust people enough,

so I've started delegating.

For instance, yesterday morning,

I just gave all my routine
paperwork to joy.

Really? Yeah, she gave it
straight back to me, of course,

but that's not the point.
You see, psychologically,

it's a big step forward.
It's a new start.

Well, it's new starts all round.

Believe me, George, from now on,
I'm gonna be ultra reliable.

Now, Dave, you have said this before.

I promise. Trust me.

Well, it's great that you're
kicking the gambling habit.

And the married woman thing?

Oh, well, one thing at a time, George.

Fair enough.

Now, then, maastricht... How
shall we handle it tonight?

Well, I'll kick off with the words,

"good evening. More on the
maastricht agreement."

Then the big question is,

will the national grid be able to cope

with 20 million people
simultaneously getting up

to put the kettle on?

Well, there's this. Tebbit's saying

that the British want to be governed
by people who speak English.

So, why have we got John
major as Prime Minister?

He doesn't speak English.

He speaks croydonian.

An incomprehensible suburban
dialect spoken only by nerds

who tuck their shirts
inside their underpants.

Yes, well, maybe we'll get back to that

when Henry's being a
bit more constructive.

Have we got anything on
Baker's car crime bill?

Obviously, we can use
my joyriders report.

I couldn't possible broadcast that,
Damien. Oh, come on, George.

All the other channels have shown
footage of joyriders in action.

Yes, but not from inside the car.

Dave, old boy, do you fancy an
evening at the dogs tonight?

You know, back a few bow-wows.

Sink a few beers. Pull
a couple of popsies.

Just you and me, eh?
The two musketeers.

Yeah, pathos and bathos.

What do you say? No, I'm sorry, Henry,

I've given up gambling. I'm
exercising self-control.

So, why have you started smoking again?

Oh, no, you haven't, have you?

I only had the one... Talk about weak.

Excuse me, miss holier-than-thou,

but I seem to recall that
when you first came here,

you smoked 50 a day and were
affectionately known as

"fag ash lil". Don't exaggerate. You
had nicotine-stained eyelashes.

It's the passive smoking that gets me.

Why should I be the victim
of someone else's addiction?

Addiction? Talk about people in glass
houses, you drink like a fish.

Yes, but I don't go around
forcing open people's mouths

and then pouring my drink
down their throats, do I?

Yes, you do when you're really pissed.

That's what got us barred
from the turk's head.

Oh, yes.

Yeah, well, you wouldn't smoke
if you'd seen what I'd seen.

A pair of smoker's lungs
in a jar of formaldehyde

at the path lab at guy's hospital.

They looked like a pair
of charred prunes.

Oh, yes. That's what
you've got in there, mate.

Two charred prunes dripping
with tar and suppurating...

Yes, yes. I can do without
the free X-ray, thank you.

It's the smell I object to.

Oh, I've had enough of this.

What's got into him?

Well, some people just aren't mature
enough to accept honest criticism.

They have to run away.
It's very unprofessional.

I couldn't agree more. Where would
we be if Sally upped and walked out

every time someone called her a
talentless cow? We'd get nowhere.

Well, absolutely.

Any more disclosures on Maxwell?

The latest estimate of the
amount missing is 540 million.

Cor, looks like he might have
siphoned it off somewhere.

Well, it didn't slide down the
back of the sofa, did it, George?

The whole bloody Maxwell
affair makes me puke.

I mean, mirror journalists,
who a few weeks ago,

would have written articles
about how Robert Maxwell

was a demigod from mount Olympus,

are now denouncing him
for screwing them.

Henry, we haven't got time for
one of your rants right now.

What really makes me want to lose
my bloody lunch is Joe Haines.

That man had his head so
far up Maxwell's arse,

they had to ring the fire
brigade to get him out.

If we could keep the
noise down, please.

What's she doing? Still going upmarket.

The observer are doing one of those
"room of my own" pieces on her.

And your men will deliver
the books to my house

and load them onto my
bookshelves, will they?

Good. Now, I want five
dostoevsky, four dickens,

four zolas, and a couple of kafkas.

Now, 20 nobel peace prize winners

are meeting to discuss what mankind
is doing with its intelligence.

What do you mean, "which dostoevsky"?

Not a lot, I'd say. Which
ones have you got?

No, I don't think I want
something called "the idiot"

on my coffee table, thank you.
Well, look,

just send me all the ones with
pastel covers. Thank you.

Now, we still haven't got an
angle on the Kennedy trial.

Oh, yes, George, I've been meaning
to talk to you about that.

All this footage of bras and panties
being waved around in court

can only be prurient
and sensationalist.

So, plenty of that.

Oh, by the way,

these allegations of a man
sexually molesting a dolphin...

Is not a major news story.

Fine, I was just checking.

Ok, I think we should...

Maybe we could make it
an environmental issue.

No!

Ok.

For god's sake. Phone rings

Alex pates.

Mummy, I'm a bit...

Well, mrs blackman may
have a nephew in the army,

but I really think we would have heard

if the Ukrainians had launched a
nuclear strike on cheltenham.

What, look...

No. No, still no news
on the boyfriend front.

Yes.

Yes, I'm taking my haliborange, yeah.

Ok, yeah. Ok, bye.

Honestly, she just
won't let me grow up!

In her mind's eye, all she ever sees

is a 13-year-old
schoolgirl in a gym slip.

Yeah, I get that.

Sorry.

Now, which Republic was it that
left the Soviet union today?

General, I have a very important
mission for one of your operatives.

Now, this is a show tape of
globelink's news operations.

And sir roysten needs it urgently,

as in three hours' time,
he's flying out to Tokyo

to negotiate with some
important Japanese investors.

No problem, we'll send a bike.

I don't want this vital tape

being delivered by some
spotty oik in leathers.

No, no, no. Has to be
delivered in person.

It's a job for someone
who is totally reliable.

I'll take it.

Maybe I didn't make myself clear.

I said someone reliable.

Meaning what exactly?

Meaning you're about as reliable
as a second-hand trabant.

Look, I'm beginning to
resent this caricature of me

as some feckless good-for-nothing.

Now, I will take that
tape to sir roysten

and you can rely on me 100%. Huh!

I think that Dave is perfectly suited

to taking this tape, Gus. In
fact, I want him to deliver it.

George! I have great confidence in him.

I know he won't let us down.

There you are, Dave.

George, I'm warning you,

if sir roysten doesn't
get that tape in time,

he'll have my guts for garters and
your crown jewellers for cufflinks.

Do I make myself clear?
Yes. Graphically.

But I repeat, I have
complete confidence in Dave.

Thank you, George.

Well, you'd better not
be wrong, George.

Now, this is sir roysten's
address in weybridge.

You've to ring on the video
phone and wait a few moments

while the security staff
calm the rottweilers.

Dave, don't foul it up.

I appreciate this, George, I really do.

I'll ring for a cab right now.

Um, George, uh...

Are you sure about this?

Look, all he has to do is deliver a
vhs tape to sir roysten's house.

What can go wrong? Well,
nothing, I suppose,

it's just I can't help recalling the
time that we sent him to collect

that Iranian charge d'affaires
from the airport. Yes.

We finally tracked them down at an
acid house party in basingstoke.

I've ordered the cab, George.
Right, good, that's good.

Got great faith in you, Dave. Thanks.

Total confidence, 100%. Cheers.

Has anybody got an aspirin?

Are you ok?

Yes, I'm fine, absolutely fine,

and I certainly don't
need professional help.

I didn't say you did.

Ah, any calls, joy?
Yes, your agent rang.

Jonathan Ross don't want you because
they say you're too lightweight,

but she can get you on TV-am
doing exercises with mad Lizzie.

How's the new Dave charnley?
Fine, thank you.

Good, good, good.

I was chatting to this fellow at
my club last night, a trainer,

and he told me they've got this
two-year-old running at sedgefield

that's been clocking record
times in the gallops

really? Yeah. A sure-fire
thing, this chap said.

Hmm. Gingerbread boy, it's called.

Yeah, I'm not interested, Henry.
Fine. I understand.

I just thought, um...
You'd like to know,

because it's at 16/1.

16/1? Yeah.

16/1? Mm-hm.

16... could you pass that water?
Only, my mouth's gone dry. Sure.

Uh, 16/1, you say?

Yeah, I've got 40 quid on it,
so I stand to win, um...

�640.

You could do yourself a bit of good.

Go on, phone it in.

Gingerbread boy.

It's a sure thing.

No. No!

Well, that's good.

You controlled the
impulse, that's splendid.

Yeah, things were looking
good, I was feeling good,

then the cab was late and I
started to feel less good.

Has anyone got a cigarette?

Or better still, some Valium?!

Morphine?

What are you still doing here?
My cab has been held up.

Apparently, there's a burst water
main at Camden high street.

Another one in Tottenham court
road, two in goodge street.

Dave, you have precisely two
hours to get to sir roysten's.

Two hours stand between
us and oblivion.

Let's not panic, shall we? Let's
have some trust in people.

Well, I never. Gingerbread
boy's lengthened to 20/1.

I am not listening. 25/1.

? La-la-la-la... ?

Dave, your cab is downstairs.
Oh, I love you.

Bye, everyone!

Oh, it's great to see Dave
developing as a person, isn't it?

Seems so together.

Shit!

Yes, thank you very much.

So, at last, things were looking up.

The cab had arrived.

Right, uh, I'm going to weybridge, ok?

I've got a map and I know the route.
You take the a3.

Uh, but... I don't want any arguments,

just take the a3. It's
the quickest route.

Horns beep

Jesus wept, look at this lot.

We should ban private cars.

Well, I did try to warn ya.

It's been like this all
week - burst water main.

Is there a single water main in
London that isn't burst, then?

I mean, what do they make
them out of, balsawood?

Oh, bloody hell. Look at the time.

Phone rings

any more messages for me?

No, not since the one I
gave you from sir roysten,

one about the jobcentre.

Any for me?

Again, just sir roysten
about the jobcentre.

And, Alex, your mum rang.

Something about the building
society evicting her

and giving her house
to homeless Latvians.

And, Sally, you're far too dim
to achieve an upmarket image.

Did my agent say that?! No,
that's just my personal opinion.

Look, has anyone got any idea
where the hell Dave's got to?!

Oh, for god's sake. Make 'em
get a move on, will ya?

Look at them, just crawling along.

Yeah, all right.

Oi!

Come on, we haven't got all day!

Oh, look, he in't gonna notice, is he?
Come on!

So, you were feeling somewhat edgy?

Yeah.

What was really getting to
me was that I could imagine

what they were all saying
about me back at the office.

You know, "Dave's a wastrel.
Dave's a liability."

Dave's a wanker, that's
the problem here.

What on earth made you entrust
the job to him, George?

Well, Margaret said I
needed to show more trust.

Well, rather than listen
to Margaret all the time,

perhaps you should see a professional.

Why does everyone keep going
on about me seeing someone?!

Any news of Dave? He said
he'd ring when he gets there.

If he gets there!

We're getting there,
just a few minutes.

Here, look at that lot.
What a bunch of wallies.

Rag parade.

We're nearly there.
We're gonna make it.

We're gonna make it!

Yes.

Old Dave has finally turned up trumps.

Dog barks argh, get off!

Ow! Argh!

I can just feel my luck
finally beginning to change.

Jesus.

Bloody hell.

Hey, look, um, he's all right.

He's fine, he's gonna be
fine, he's just, um, winded.

Can't we sort of, you know,
pull him out and drive on?

Don't be silly, call an ambulance.

Where's the nearest phone?

He'd phone if there was a problem.

There's no need to panic.

Phone rings hello?!

It's your mum.

Uh, no, I'm afraid
she's just nipped out.

No, mrs pates, don't worry. Just
because you're �1.50 overdrawn,

doesn't mean the bank will
tear up your cheque card.

Oh, they have?

Well, look, I'll get Alex
to ring you back, shall I?

Yes. Right you are, then.

Bye-bye, mrs pates.

Right, the ambulance is on its way.
Nice one.

You better try and get
yourself another cab.

Yeah, I'll just get the, uh...

..Just get the, uh...

Tape's gone.

I left it on the seat.

Somebody's nicked the bloody tape!

Oi! Stop head-butting my cab.

Sir roysten will be leaving
in precisely two minutes.

Hey, Sally, your agent has
been working overtime.

Good, that's what I pay her for.

Big bit about you here
in the gossip section,

linking you romantically
with a celebrity.

Really? Oh, well, it's all
harmless hype, I suppose.

Who am I being linked with?

Some actor, or writer or somebody?

No. Paul gascoigne.

The footballer with the yob haircut

who's always got his
tongue hanging out?

I'm being linked with that?!

Is gazza bonking sazza?

Sazza?!

Another agent bites the dust.

George, Baker's giving evidence on
prisons to a commons committee.

You know, how I let the only two
guilty irishmen in jail escape?

So, uh, maybe... phone rings

where the hell have you been?
It's Dave.

Dave! Dave...

Have you got the tape to sir roysten?

Uh, well, no, I, um...

Well, where are you? As it happens,

I'm in a betting shop,
but I can explain.

He's in a betting shop. You
see, the tape got stolen

while I was ringing for an
ambulance for the unicorn.

Unicorn?! Yeah, we
collided with a unicorn.

A unicorn?!

Flying through the air, was it?

No. It was riding a monocycle.

I mean, obviously, it
wasn't a real unicorn!

Yeah, yeah, your taxi was hit
by a monocycling unicorn.

It just veered out in front of us.
You see,

it'd been blinded by the banner
that was being held by the dragon.

Dragon?! Dave?

Dave, I just want you to know that
I feel you've let us all down.

And that you've let me down personally,

and I'm gonna have to sit down now,

because the room is beginning to spin.

Dial tone

I mean, none of it was my fault,
yet they've all just assumed that

if I was in a betting shop, I
must have been placing a bet.

Every time I try to explain it
to them, they all just sneer.

And how do you feel about that?
Well, bitter, frankly.

How do you propose dealing
with that bitterness? I dunno.

How much did you win
on gingerbread boy?

About 300 qui...

So, you have been gambling.

Well, it was a tip from a trainer,

I mean, you can't call that a gamble,

can you? It was a sure thing. You know,

I'd just phoned for the ambulance
and I thought, while I was there...

Mr charnley, if you can't
be honest with me,

I really don't think there's much point

our having any more of these sessions.
Do you?

Now, if you'll excuse me, it's
time for my next appointment.

Yeah, ok.

Well, goodbye, then.
Goodbye, mr charnley.

See you back at the office, George.

Morning, George, and how are you?

Fine. Me and Margaret
have been talking,

and I think we may have a future.

None of us will have a bloody future
if Jacques delors gets his way.

She's been very reasonable.

This sceptered isle, run
by Belgian pen pushers

with all the imagination
of lobotomised woodlice.

She's accepted I have to work late.
In fact,

she said I can stay at the office
all night for all she cares.

Major going on about opt-outs.

God, why go to the brothel if you're
not gonna drop your knickers?!

It won't be love's young dream.

We'll have to accept things,
like separate beds.

At least that's what Margaret feels.

But you have to make compromises.

I suppose a bit like
Britain at maastricht.

Only, we're gonna get screwed
and you're not, George.

I beg your pardon!

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