All language subtitles for Drop The Dead Donkey s02e10 The Evangelist.eng

This episode of drop the dead donkey

was first shown in November '91,

in a week when tesco's and safeway's
decided to open on Sundays,

mrs Thatcher called for
a referendum on Europe,

and her daughter was slow
paying her poll tax.

Chatter

right, any other thoughts?

Yes, Alex. I was very
disappointed to see

that last Friday was the anniversary
of mrs Thatcher's resignation,

and we did nothing to mark it.

Yes, we did. We had a piss-up.

Four hours in the turk's head.

No, I mean, we didn't
do a tribute to her.

What are you talking about?

Henry put on that Thatcher mask

and sang I will survive on the
karaoke machine. Brilliant.

Two hours late!

Not leaves on the line, not
the wrong kind of snow,

not a swan flying into power lines,
but mice gnawing through the cables.

What next? Earwigs in the points,
goblins in the signal boxes,

or even more extraordinary, delays
due to trains on the lines!

From now on, I'm bringing the car.

Have a coffee, Henry.

Alex, Damien, Dave, coffee? No, thanks.

Sally, someone waiting
for you at reception.

Thank you very much, joy.

How come her christianity consists
mostly of giving people coffee?

Have you seen the size of the cross
round her neck this morning?

If it gets any bigger, she'll be
carrying it over her shoulder.

What are those?

Tarot cards. They are
really fascinating.

Oh, come on. They're mumbo jumbo.

Now, look, I'm a
rational person, right?

Both: Wrong.

Yeah, well, anyway, last
week, we were filming,

and this old woman dealt out the cards

and predicted that Jerry the
cameraman would have an accident...

And he did.

He had an accident
because you conned him

into wearing a fur coat at
an animal libbers' rally.

Anyway, I think they're interesting.

Do you wanna see how it works?
Yeah, ok.

Erm, George, cut those, will you?

That's it.

Now, of course, I'm only
using the major arcana.

Mm. And the four most
interesting cards here

are the sun, death,
chariot, and the juggler.

I see. George will die of sunstroke
while out juggling in his chariot.

George... Margaret on the phone.

Actually, you know, it
is really interesting.

It does appear that
there's a major disaster

waiting round the corner for George.

Well, of course there is, he's George.

Dave, Gus just rang
from the health farm.

He said to remind everyone

that sir royston has strong
trade links with Iran,

and that salman rushdie
is a very small story.

All right, Alex?

I think that Margaret has
finally left George.

It's awful in there.
He is really upset.

She must have got the
video recorder, then.

Henry, believe it or not,

some people get upset when
their marriage ends. Oh.

So let's just try and be sensitive, ok?

All right, George?

Yes.

Oh, George. Here, erm,
have a cup of coffee.

Oh, thanks.

I hear you've ditched
the old woman at last.

Best thing you could've done.

Find yourself a nice
young bit of totty, eh?

Yes.

Well done, Perez de cuellar.

Big surprise for you.

Oh, you're pregnant by the
archangel Gabriel (?)

I'd like you all to meet a man
who's helped to change my life

in the short time I've known him.

One of America's leading
evangelists, Earl Johnson.

I'm very pleased to meet y'all.

You must be George dent.

Sally's said some awfully
complimentary things about you.

Has she?

Earl's over here as part
of his festive of faith.

Yes, when one or two are
gathered together in his name,

the lord is there.

When one or two thousand are
gathered together in his name,

then Earl Johnson's there as well.

You used to work in
advertising, then, Earl?

Yes, so, you know my
career, then, Henry?

No, but I know advertising
bullshit when I hear it.

Earl chuckles

yes, I was an advertising
executive, until I was visited

by the mighty and matchless
word of the baby Jesus.

Whoo! God be praised.

Yes, erm, delightful
though this is, Earl,

we were actually rather busy trying
to compile a news broadcast.

And that's exactly what I wanted
to talk to you about, George.

Now, I'm holding a week of rallies
out at your qpr soccer stadium,

and, frankly, George, I have to say
that this is a big news event,

and we are offering you the exclusive.

Er, well, actually, I'm not sure
we'd strictly consider this news.

George, Jesus dying for our sins

is the biggest news there's
ever been, now, isn't it?

Well, erm, but, I mean, it did
happen over 2,000 years ago.

Have you tried the daily express?

Besides, we do have very strict
rules on religious broadcasting.

Oh, yes, I've seen your so-called
religious broadcasting -

a plump welshman singing
loudly in front of castles.

Now, my route is, George,

reflect the glory of the almighty.

And they have an extremely
televisual laser show.

I think we're going
to have to say... no.

Perhaps the two of us can
discuss it over lunch sometime?

Well... no.

George, I can't begin to tell
you how much I appreciate

you sharing your incredibly
valuable time with me.

Sally?

Brought you a present.

One of our glad not to
be gay sweatshirts,

and a matching straight
is great baseball cap.

Thank you, Earl.

Isn't he inspirational?

He's more full of bollocks
than Tom Jones's y-fronts.

He was the last thing George needed.

He's really going through it.

As the tarot predicted.

Damien... shut up.

But it did!

You, er, wanna do my fortune,
then, madame arcati?

Not that I believe in it or anything.

Ok. Cut those. Right.

There you go. Ok.

Your future laid out in these cards.

So, erm... what's that one, exactly?

The, er, the skeleton with the sickle?

That's death. Uh-huh.

And, er, the corpse
hanging from the gallows?

The, er, hanged man. Right.

Damien, some bloke from the path lab
at guy's re your smoking story.

Says the best he can do
you is two diseased lungs

and a jarful of suppurating larynxes.

Oh, lovely!

Dave, have you seen this stuff?
What's up?

Oh, for god's sake! Don't!

That's the hand Damien dealt me.
It looked awful.

I had death, the hanged man,

and another card he
didn't explain to me,

but the bloke was carrying
a very long knife.

Probably the vasectomist (!)

Come on, you don't really
believe all this junk, do you?

No, of course not. I'm just
interested, that's all.

Well, if I could possibly drag
you back to the mundane world,

can we get on?

Now, the government is issuing
this leaflet today about AIDS,

warning against promiscuous
sexual behaviour.

So, Dave... want me to handle it?

Er, no, I want you to read it.

I am responsible, ok? I do
not go in for casual sex.

Oh, I see.

And I suppose that the temp
in the stationery cupboard

at the office party was a
meaningful relationship (?)

Could we stop talking about sex
in the stationery cupboard?

More fuss about Thatcher
and the referendum.

Ironic, isn't it? She talks
complete bollocks for 11 years,

and we're all obliged to listen.

And the moment she
starts to talk sense,

everyone tells her to shut up.

Anyway, there's still lots of stuff

on these shady businessmen
giving her millions.

Yes, Gus rang to say sir royston
felt it was a very small story.

I don't believe it. I'll
go and tell George.

Makes swooshing noise

George, we've got to do
something about Gus.

Margaret?

She's left.

I don't know why.

It's not as if she's got someone else.

Well, that's good.

Yes.

She said I'd put her off men for life.

George, perhaps you'd better
just take the day off?

It's not been a good
year, you know, Alex.

My suspected ulcer, my rabies scare.

My daughter's five court appearances.

And, I mean, what are the odds
against a bit off a jumbo jet

landing on your roof?

Some things are improving,
aren't they, George?

I mean, at least you've got all that
sewage out of your basement now.

I suppose so.

God!

I never thought we'd actually split up.

I mean, all right,

I know the physical side's
been a bit quiet since...

Since... well, for quite
some time, actually.

Oh, what's the point in any of it?

George, I saw you looking upset,
so I thought you might find solace

in that marvellous passage
from revelations.

"And god shall wipe away all
tears from their eyes."

Thank you, Sally.

Look, George, I know it feels
like you've hit bottom right now,

and, well, it will take time.

But things are bound
to improve eventually.

You'll see. Gradually, life will
start to seem a little bit brighter.

Yes. Yes, you're right.

George? Your wife's solicitor just rang.
She wants the house.

This Carol Thatcher defaulting
on her poll tax thing,

shall I put it in the running order?

It's not really a new story, is it?
No, not really.

Should I put it in just
to annoy her? Yeah.

Look, erm, purely out of interest,

that tarot hand you dealt me,
exactly what did it foretell?

Well, basically, death by drowning.
You had the water card.

Right. I see.

He scoffs

it's a load of old rubbish, isn't it?

Absolutely. It's all balderdash.

Yep. Yeah, you're right.

Mind you, I didn't think that when
I came back from Haiti that time.

No, my cameraman, pat,
he got cursed one day

by one of their witch doctors,

and not long afterwards, he
met a most horrible fate.

He joined sky, didn't he?

After that, he disappeared in Gambia.

They think he was eaten by crocodiles.

They just found one arm clutching
a claim form for expenses.

Cheers, Henry (!)

Statement from number ten.

Major's not going to get drawn into
a slanging match with Thatcher.

Well, apparently, he
was furious with her

over that interview she did for itn.

Yeah, I heard he was so
angry, he went bright grey.

Yes, all right.

Now... Freddie Mercury.

I think we should take a
Christian attitude. Absolutely.

And point out that AIDS is god's
punishment for being gay.

All: For god's sake!

I suppose diabetes is god's
punishment for liking sugar?

And cancer is god's punishment
for living near sellafield?

God's punishment for inventing
television is Jeremy beadle (!)

Yeah.

If we could get on, please?

George, another message from Earl
Johnson, bishop of bollocks,

banging on about his rally.

Anything else?

Oh, yes, there's a big report
on the divorce rate going up...

..But it's probably not that important.

It's all right, Alex. I'm
gonna have to face up to it.

Get used to being on my own.

Stop being reliant on others.

That sounds like a good idea, George.

Yes, Margaret suggested it
on the phone last night.

I'm going to look for some
activities outside work.

You should, yes.

Yes. I haven't slept for a week,

the world I've known for 20
years lies shattered around me,

and I see no reason in living,
but, on the other hand,

I am going to take up badminton.

I might as well slit my wrists.

George, George, that
is not the solution.

No, squash is a much better game.

Yes, you get a better quality
of crumpet in the clubhouse,

especially if you like them sweaty.

Henry, does anything tell you

that you are not quite on
the right wavelength, yet?

George. I've written out a
couple more texts for you.

I thought they might help.

Oh, thank you, Sally.

I did read the others you gave me,

and, well, I must admit,
they did make me wonder

whether there's something
missing from my life.

Well, that's great.

And if you want to talk me about
it, George, you know where I am.

Thanks.

Typical religious tactics.
Get them when they're down,

then get them hooked on this
recycled Hebrew soap opera.

The truth is in that book, Henry.

Damien, these tarot cards,

all this, er, daft "death
by drowning" stuff...

I don't suppose there was any
indication of timescale, was there?

Fate could strike at any time.
Why do you ask?

Well, it's just that I'm due
to take this weekend jaunt

on the ferry to boulogne, and, erm,

I just thought it was
very funny, that's all.

You can't shake my faith, Henry.

From now on, I live my
life by god's laws.

Does that mean you have to give up

shagging long-distance
lorry drivers, then?

It won't work.

Oh, you're no fun any more!

Damien, going back to these
tarot cards... and you two!

Why don't you stop farting around
with that adolescent codswallop

and do some decent work for a change?!

What was all that about?

It's obvious. With Sally
being impossible to provoke,

he's got a massive surplus of bile.

Shouts: Bloody thing!

Banging there goes the drinks machine.

Good day to you, Sally.

Oh! Good day to you all.

It's a pleasure and privilege
to see y'all again.

Quite (!) How did you get in, Earl?

There are no closed doors to
those who fight the devil.

I don't think George
wants to see you, Earl.

It's all right, Alex. I'll handle this.

George, I haven't had the pleasure
of seeing your cameras at my rally.

Well, as I think I explained,
I'm afraid we can't.

We're governed by the rules
on religious broadcasting.

Right, well, I hear what
you're saying, George,

and I clearly see what
your problem is here.

Oh. Good.

Your problem is that you
are possessed by Satan.

Erm, no, no, I don't think so.
With respect, I...

Those who oppose the work of the
lord are on the side of Lucifer.

Do you wanna go hand-in-hand
with the devil?

Well, ideally, no.

But I have to say, we can't
cover this rally. You see...

George has chosen to follow Satan.

All he's saying is we can't
cover your stupid rally.

Do you people realise who I am?

I am Earl Johnson, who
had the top-rated

Sunday prime-time Evangelical
show in Cincinnati

for over five years.

I am Earl Johnson,

who the lord gave a 28 audience share

and a Nielsen ar of 14.2.

I am Earl Johnson,

who, had the devil not filled
the minds of the foolish

with lascivious allegations,

would've had a show coast to
coast on a major network.

But he was at work there,
as he is at work here.

I can see the number of the beast
engraved on your foreheads.

Is that an 071 or 081 number?

You people...

It doesn't surprise me that
your ravenous sexual appetites

have destroyed your marriage.
I'm sorry?

Or that you dabble in the dark arts.

And it doesn't surprise
me that your private life

is a cesspool of sexual
corruption and excess.

Flattery will get you nowhere.

Don't be tempted by anger, Earl.

I'm leaving this sewer before
the naked putrefaction

overwhelms me with the stench.

No chance of you covering that rally?

No.

You'll burn for eternity, George...

..As well as safeway and tesco and...

That guy is definitely one flying
buttress short of a cathedral.

He's ridiculous...

What did he mean, my
"ravening sexual appetites"?

..And no judge of character.

Oh, god. What a day.

Deborah's headmaster rang.

She's been suspended again for
playing cops and robbers.

Apparently, she arrested three
first-formers, beat them up,

made them sign false confessions,
then locked them in the boiler room.

Talent scouts from the met will
be on to you soon, George.

By the way, David, I've got
a bone to pick with you.

Apparently, in our report on
major's first year in power,

you used the same photograph for him
being furious, for him relaxing,

and for him being triumphant.

Someone spotted it, did they?

Well, as a matter of fact, no, but
it's no excuse for cutting corners.

Oh, god, Sally's got another Bible.

Oh, no, that's, er, that's mine.

Well, increasingly, I've been
feeling incomplete and...

Well, a bit lost, really.

And I've found dipping into
this really comforting.

Oh, brilliant, we've got
two of the buggers now (!)

This is great news. I'm
so pleased, George.

Any time you want to talk about
it, I'll be there for you.

But now, I'm going to Earl's rally,

where I will apologise to
him on behalf of you all.

Electronic 'hallelujah chorus'

oh, it's wonderful.

The good lord guides our
marketing division.

This is our angel Gabriel doorstop.

I do so admire the work
you're doing, Earl.

I just feel so ashamed of the
way my colleagues treated you.

It's no matter.

And don't you worry...

Uncle Earl will protect you
from those media deviants.

I'm sure you will.

At the rally tonight, I felt so secure.

And when we all knelt down to pray,

it was like being a little girl again.

Shall we pray now?

Oh, yes.

Kneel down, Sally.

"Oh, lord.

"Let her be as the loving
hind and pleasant row.

"Let her breasts satisfy
thee at all times."

I'm sorry?

Proverbs 5:19.

Oh. I didn't know that there
were breasts in the Bible.

The lord, as surely as
he created our minds,

created our bodies, Sally.

And he loves our bodies.

Yes. Yes, of course.

And he loves all the
workings of our bodies.

All the movings and...

Pumpings and throbbings...

And spurtings.

And he wants us to look
on their magnificence.

Sally...

Gaze upon the glory of the lord.

Fly unzips

you can't deny the history behind it.

Hundreds of historical figures...

Look, look, look, I am
a logical person, ok?

I've thought all this through,

and this occult stuff is
obviously complete crap.

You say that, but Nancy
Reagan used astrology

when she was governing America.
Thank you.

Hey, listen, do you think it's
true about her and Frank Sinatra?

Oh, I don't know.

It's difficult to imagine it
happening here, isn't it, eh?

Norma major and Engelbert Humperdinck.

Norma major and Engelbert Humperdinck?

Are you sure?

No, no, no, George. We were just...
never mind.

Message from Gus.

Sir royston feels that
labour's divisions over Europe

is a very big story.

Oh, and, Dave, the ferry
company just rang.

There's no way you're gonna get a
refund on that boulogne ticket.

Not at this notice.

Well, I just thought I'd stay at
home for the weekend, you know.

The bedroom needs repapering,
and I've been meaning to put

that spice rack up in the
kitchen for weeks now.

I wanted to catch a very
interesting documentary

on radio 3 on Saturday night...
about Gustav mahler.

Sally. Sally, do you think
we could have that chat?

Only, I've been turning to
the Bible more and more,

and, well, I know you're
the only person here

I can really count on
to be sympathetic.

Oh... fuck off, George!

I'm sorry?

I am sick of your weak, whinging,
self-pitying, self-obsessed mewling.

I tell you, Margaret's well out of it.

Now, joy, stop doing your
nails, get me a cup of coffee.

So, Sally, how's the
christianity coming along?

Don't talk to me about
that mumbo jumbo.

And don't you dare broadcast anything

about that despicable
man and his rallies.

They've been postponed. Apparently,
he fell down and injured his knee.

His groin.

Says here... it was his groin.

It received a visitation
from the angel Gabriel.

So, Sally, your god-bothering
days are over!

Oh, do shut up, methuselah!

George, I want to talk about my
billing and my clothes allowance.

And where the hell's that coffee?!
Great to have you back.

George: More on this government
drive on sex education -

Kenneth Clarke is going to make a
speech promoting contraception.

Alex: That's a good idea.

Kenneth Clarke's the most convincing
argument there is for contraception.

What about your Deborah?

What sort of sex education
is she getting at school?

It seems to mostly
involve hell's angels.

She's such a worry.

The police picked her up
last night for joyriding.

Luckily, she's ok. She
drove the car into a wall.

Oh, god, did they charge her?

No, well, seeing as
how it was my car...

And besides, they seemed quite keen

to get her out of the police station.

Subtitles by accessibility@itv.Com

Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0