All language subtitles for Drop The Dead Donkey s02e08 Dont Mention The Arabs.eng

Voice-over: And now,
drop the dead donkey.

This episode was first
shown in November '91,

when speculation grew about
how Robert Maxwell died,

and there was a scare about
contaminated lucozade.

Ok, listen, everybody, listen...

The panel has decided the results

of the "most ridiculous explanation
for Maxwell's death" competition.

In third place, Brian, with...

"He was dragged over the side by
mermaids working for Mossad."

In second place, it is Alex, with...

"He was whisked away
in an inflatable boat

"driven by Elvis Presley,
lord lucan, and shergar."

And the winner is...

The most ridiculous
explanation for his death...

Simon, with...

"He had a heart attack

"and vaulted over a three-foot
rail into the sea."

Absolutely preposterous. Applause

one of these...

Meant that I was 35 minutes
late this morning.

And a train weighing 300 tons
was unable to pass over it.

And to think that they send
men to the moon and back.

It's the good job there aren't
any leaves on the bloody moon,

isn't it, George? "Houston,
we have a problem!"

Right, now, can we
make a start, please?

Yugoslavia...

All a bit grim, isn't it?

Very difficult to tell who's winning.

Oh, I think it's definitely the BBC.

They had some tremendous pictures

of panicking old ladies
in vukovar last night.

You ok? Yeah, yeah. It's um...

Well, it's just that I bumped
into Sally downstairs,

and there was something
very odd about her.

What? I do know, it's
hard to explain...

I was I was talking to her
for a couple of minutes,

and she was being sort of, well, nice.

Nice, Sally?

No, you're right, I was
probably imagining it.

Now, what have we got on Europe?

John Major's saying he's pleased

with the way the talks
went with chancellor Cole.

The Germans say they've
made no progress.

Yeah, that's why he's pleased.

What else?

Keith chegwin's had to stop
work and go into hospital.

Is this news?

I just thought as mention
it to cheer everyone up.

"Walter Templeton was a battling,
brave and brilliant journalist."

Henry, I've got... What are you doing?

Working out the commentary for
Walter Templeton's obituary,

he's terribly ill, poor Walter. Hmm.

Yes, I covered a lot
of stories with him.

Aden, Korea, Vietnam,

in fact, our careers followed
a strangely parallel course.

Yeah, that's true.

Apart from the obe, of course.

Sorry?

Well, he's been awarded
the obe, and you haven't.

Yes, well, frankly, I've never seen
the point of the honours system.

A ludicrous fandango of
intrigue and patronage.

If they were to give me an obe now,

frankly, I'd throw it
straight back at them.

Anyway, Walter's always been

much more of an establishment
figure than me.

That's the reason I've never featured

on an honours list, dear boy. Yeah,
I'm sure that's true, Henry.

Mind you, it probably didn't help

your squeezing princess
Anne's buttocks that time.

Did you see any of this
stuff in the mirror?

About this woman who
claims she fell asleep

while Ken Barlow made love to her.

Well, that's not that
extraordinary, is it?

What are you looking
at me like that for?

George, George, could I possibly

rent a bit of your prime brain
space for just a moment?

This superb documentary of
Henry's, kingdom of silence,

the one about human
rights in Saudi Arabia?

I am not postponing it, Gus.
It's a very good piece.

Oh, I agree. It's superb.

I'm just worried that we're wasting
it by putting it out on Thursday,

when we should be giving
it a showcase slot,

a little further off, like,
say, after Christmas?

When viewing figures will be higher,

when we can give it a
big build-up, when...

British firms will have
clinched Saudi orders

from the Dubai arms fair.

Saudi orders?

Yes, you know, like
the �12 million order

that sir roysten's arms
firm is about to secure?

I really don't know what
you're talking about.

Anyway, I think we should all
have a good mull about this one,

ok, George? Keep at it, tiger.

Morning, Alex. My word, but
you're looking lovely today.

That colour does suit you.

I wish I had hair like yours...

Mine's rather mousey by
comparison, I'm afraid.

Still, mustn't complain.

Would you like a coffee?

This is some sort of trap, isn't it?

Would you like a coffee, George?

For the last time, Sally, I will
sort it out later, all right?

What did she say?

Would you like a coffee, George?

White, no sugar, isn't it?

Yes... and the same for you, Alex?

That's right? Yes.

Now, now, George, Alex, I'm...

What's up?

Sally is making us
each a cup of coffee.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, it's true.

Anyone else want one while I'm here?

Bloody hell!

You see, I knew I wasn't
imagining it - niceness!

Perhaps she's ill?

George! El supremo!

I've had my mull about
this documentary business,

and I must say, the
after-Christmas option

is looking much more attractive.

Is this Henry's piece about
human rights in Saudi Arabia?

Yes, I'm proposing we defer
transmission until...

Oh, no, no, no. You can't
defer transmission.

The sooner these evil abuses
are exposed, the better.

We must put this programme out now.
It's a question of morality.

Ill, she's definitely ill.

"Walter Templeton was a battling,
brave and brilliant journalist."

Yeah. Of course, that's
where I first remember him,

those reports of his from Vietnam.

What made me want to get
into TV news, actually.

Oh, really? Yeah.

Somehow, he always had this
aura of integrity and heroism.

Yes, well, actually, I was covering
Vietnam at the same time as him...

Such a great journalist's instinct,

the way he was always first to a story.

Like that report he did from
hue during the tet offensive.

Yes, well, that's part of the mythology

that's grown up around him, I'm afraid.

To be strictly accurate, I was the
first to get to hue, in fact,

by the time he got there, the only
fighting going on was sissy stuff.

But... I was first to that story, ok?

Ok.

It's just, that's not what
he says in his book...

I'm telling you, I was first!
All right, all right...

I'm sorry I spoke.

I'm sorry, it's just that preparing
an obituary for a friend

is a bit of a strain.

Yeah, sure, I understand.

I'll leave you to it.

"Walter Templeton was
a battling, brave,

"and better-than-average journalist."

By the way, George, the daily mail rang

asking about Henry's documentary,

and whether you were a
member of the labour party.

What? Don't worry, George,

I told them you were far too
wishy-washy to join any party.

Thank you, joy.

Dave...

You remember last week you
asked me to lend you �30,

and I... well, I was a
little short with you?

You told me to stick my head down
the toilet and pull the chain.

I know, and I'm sorry.
It was wrong of me.

Here's the �30.

Oh, in fact, here, no... take 50.

This is some sort of trap, isn't it?

Now, listen, George, I've
just had this memo from Gus,

proposing the kingdom of silence
is deferred till after Christmas.

Well, that's the best bloody
programme I've made in years,

and not having it delayed. The
principle involved! I quite agree.

What? We must face Gus down on this.
It's a matter of morality.

Is she taking the piss?

We must all stand together,

then our moral strength
will win the argument.

She is like Joan of arc on speed.

This is a great chance for
assault to take a stand,

attractive devotion to our work.

To follow the light, the
divine light, that leads to...

My god! That's right, Damien! Your
god, my god, everybody's god!

Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to preach.
It's just that...

Well, you see, after me grandmother
died last week, I felt so depressed.

And then, my manicurist talked me
into going along to her group.

And as I stood in the church, I
just felt god reach out to me.

So, you see, you won't be dealing
with the old Sally any more.

Just the new, renewed Sally.

Well, um... well done, Sally.

And I'm sure we're all very pleased
to know that you been renewed,

and, um, well...

Well done again.

Yeah, congratulations, Sally. What?

Well, I think it's marvellous

when someone finds an
inner spiritual mission,

and I'm sure you'll find you'll
relate to the world around you

that much more successfully.
Thank you, Dave.

In fact, on that front, you
couldn't make it 80, could you?

What the hell is going on?

Yesterday, it was all these articles

about how we shouldn't
show Henry's Saudi piece,

now, it's all this
personal stuff about me.

"George dent is force-feeding
the viewing public

"with his discredited '60s values."

"'60s values?" What the
hell do they mean by that?

Well, they've obviously
seen the way you dress.

"George dent stands accused

"of stabbing British
exporters in the back

"by screening this provocative
attack tomorrow night,

"when this programme could easily be
postponed until after Christmas."

Why have they all honed in on that?
Why, indeed.

I'm afraid these tabloids
are a law into themselves.

It's scandalous.

Absolutely, but don't worry,
George, we won't be intimidated.

No, the company has
issued this statement.

"Globelink news wishes to
make it perfectly clear

"that the sole responsibility
for programme output

"rests with the editor."

There you are, you see, George.
Backing you to the hilt.

And look, personally signed
by sir roysten himself.

So, it's down the torpedoes and
full steam ahead, captain.

Yeah, the government have
come up with a new definition

of legitimate refugee.

Yeah, if after you're sent
home you get executed,

then you would have been
a legitimate refugee.

Now, what about Europe?

Did anyone actually listen
to major's guildhall speech?

Yeah, I heard it on the radio
as I was driving home.

He started by saying that Britain
mustn't be left behind economically.

Then what?

I don't know, I fell
asleep at the wheel.

Woke up in a ditch.

You know, the aa man,
who pulled me out,

says he always knows when
major's come on the radio,

cos suddenly all cars start
drifting across the lanes.

How about this one...

"A third of the clergy are still
opposed to women becoming priests."

Aren't they ridiculous?

The lord is with you! God be praised!

On the other hand, you can
see their point of view.

All right, listen, you lucky people,
honest Dave is opening a book

on how long Sally continues
behaving like a good Christian.

A tenner says she doesn't last the day.

One day. Put me down for two days.

Two days.

It better not be any longer than that,

I can't take much more of this,

"if I make everyone a coffee,
I'll get to heaven" routine.

Yeah. Odd idea altogether, heaven.

I've always liked the Buddhist idea.
When you come back,

but as an animal that's appropriate
to the way you've lived your life.

Hmm. Wonder what I'd come back as?

All: A vulture.

How about princess Michael?

Minor bird.

About Roy hattersley? Toad.

Cecil Parkinson? Horny toad.

Yes, but what will he come back as?
Oh, very good.

Look, can we do less laughing
and a bit more work, please?

Now, where's Henry?

He's being drowned in the
milk of human kindness.

And it was my sense of loss that led
me to the Jesus encounter group,

where I found god.

And now your friend is dying,
and you feel lonely frightened.

You're right, my dear, I am frightened.

Frightened that any second now I
may lose control and strangle you.

Now will you please leave me alone,
you sickening little god-botherer?

Very well.

But anger and abuse won't
stop me trying to help you.

As a Christian, I must expect
this sort of treatment.

Look what they did to our lord.
There's an idea.

Right. Sport.

More on rugby,

England's Jeremy guscott has
turned down �1 million to turn pro

and decided to stay on as a
PR officer for British gas.

Well, he's obviously got
hid his head screwed on.

Hey up, George, you're a celebrity.
What?

Some Tory backbencher's laying
into you in the commons.

Says you're an unpatriotic whinger.

You're irresponsible, could
cost thousands of jobs.

He wants you called to account

and now he's sat down and everyone's
going, "hughh, hughh, hughh!"

This is almost as if it's being
orchestrated by somebody.

George, what can I say, the jackals
are out in force, it's disgraceful.

Apparently two Tory backbenchers
have attacked you in the commons.

No, it's just one. Is it?

Oh, no, I stand corrected,
here goes another one.

You're un-patriotic, blah,
blah, blah, blah...

He's just called you a...

Oh, no, the speaker's making
him withdraw that, he says,

"it's an unparliamentary
word." For heaven's sake.

It's the mentality of the mob, George.

And with all this hysteria,
it's so hard to imagine

Henry's superb documentary
being given a fair hearing.

Now, maybe if we postponed
it after Christmas...

No, it's going out tomorrow!

And if you do try to reschedule,
Gus, I'm afraid both Henry and I

would have to go public and denounce
what we saw as political censorship.

Wouldn't we, Henry?

Yes, that's right.

I see.

So there's nothing more to be
said then, really, is there?

Not really, Gus.

Well, that was a very
timely intervention, Sally,

and I'd like to thank you for it.

And I'm sure that Henry would
like to thank you for it,

wouldn't you, Henry? Oh, yes, Sally.
Tha...

Tha... tha...!

No matter, just doing what's right
by the lord is thanks enough for me.

She's getting more saintly by the hour.

Any moment now, she'll turn into a
little ball of holy white light.

Oh yeah, well watch this, sucker.

This is where we get the old
Sally back and I win my money.

Sally. Mm?

Have you seen this big profile
of sue lawley in here?

No.

She does appear to be on the
most enormous salary. Really?

Well, I'm sure she
deserves every penny.

She really is terribly good.

Yeah, well, it is the
most gigantic sum,

I mean, it makes your pay look
almost insulting, really.

No, I have more than
enough for my needs.

Thank you, Alice.

Yeah, and... er... she gets
this fantastic dress allowance.

Yet Gus hardly upped to yours
at all last year, did he?

Alex, why need I worry?

There are people in this world
who have to make do with rags.

Would you like a coffee?
No, I wouldn't, thank you.

I give up.

The lord giveth, and Dave taketh away.

Right... "Hong Kong
repatriation to Vietnam."

Now, they're still claiming that
they're using minimum compulsion.

Obviously hitting them with
very short truncheons.

Er... "Massive icebergs
in the shipping lanes."

That'll be an excuse on British
rail notice boards soon enough.

Jesus loves you.

Jesus loves you.

Well, Damien, looks like your bet's
about to go the same way as mine.

No, no, no, no. You see,
you targeted her greed,

whereas I am targeting her real
achilles heel, her primness.

There's all this stuff about the kurds,

what happened to the money
Jeffrey archer raised?

I expect a friend delivered it

in a plain brown envelope
to Victoria station.

A little uncalled for, I think, David.

Now Henry's interview with
Lynda chalker, where is Henry?

He's at the hospital
visiting Walter Templeton.

No doubt reminiscing about old times.

Yes.

They went through a lot together
back in Vietnam, didn't they?

Certainly did. Caught a dose
of the same prossie in Saigon.

Dave.

That's what he told me.
George, George...

Can I tap into your cerebral
gold mine just for a second?

Jesus loves you.

She hums

fart wheezes

where would we be without
the gift of laughter?

Damn!

Henry? Hello, old boy. How are you?

Not too good, I'm afraid.

Every night I hear the old
grim reaper knocking door,

inviting me to Robert
Maxwell's reception party.

These are for you. Poxy flowers? Ah-ah.

Oh, that's more like it.
Hide it in there.

Now first things first. Have
you done an obituary for me?

Of course, dear fellow, yes, it's
an unreserved him of praise.

Oh, we've had a few laughs
together, hadn't we? Ha-ha.

Do you remember that time in Burma

when we were pinned
down by the gorillas?

What a great story that was.

I never got mine broadcast,
do you remember?

Film got lost, broke my heart.

Oh, yes, I suppose I can
tell you now, Henry.

Your film wasn't lost, I bribed the
pilot to Chuck it into the ocean.

Well, you have to laugh
really, don't you?

He chuckles

George, George.

If you insist on this
documentary going out tonight,

then Britain could lose millions...
I'm not going on this, Gus.

Especially after the way I've
been systematically persecuted.

That programme goes out
tonight, as scheduled.

"And the first shall be last,
and the last shall be first."

Good news for welsh rugby.

Matthew, chapter 20 verse 16.

I'm going to change the
quote each morning.

You see, my girl's still going strong.

Yes, well, any second now,
Saint Sally will disappear

and Sally spawn of Satan will return.
Yep, here we go.

George.

I just typed my personal
ident into the computer

and instead of the running order,
I got a visual representation

of two testicles and erect penis.

Wobbly minus five, get my money ready.

Oh, well.

What do you mean, "oh well?"

What is the matter with you, woman?
That is vulgar and obscene.

No, no, no, David. The
human body's not obscene.

God made it in his own image.

Right, that is it. I have had
enough of this, it's unnatural.

George, either she stops this
sweetness and light routine

or I'm gonna punch her in the face.

What are you doing?

Just moving you up my prayer list.
What?

It's a list of the
people I'm praying for,

in the hope that they'll find god.

We're all on here.

Along with bill Wyman,
gazza, and Jane Seymour.

Hang on a moment, Henry's not on here.

Oh, he's on my special list,

for people who are experiencing
particular sorrow.

So there they were, shagging each
other senseless on the table.

And I said...

"Would you rather I came back
later, president Kennedy?"

They laugh

oh, happy days.

Now, Henry, this tribute...

You have included my report on
the tet offensive, have you?

I'm remembered for that one.

Yes, I know.

Oh, quick off the mark there I was.
First on the story.

Well, with respect, Walter, actually,
I was first to that story.

Oh, don't be silly, old chap.
You're getting confused.

I was first by a couple of days.
Rubbish.

I'm telling you I was first, in
fact, I was invariably first.

The only time you were ever before
me was with that prossie in Saigon!

I beat you to story after story!

Then how come I got the
obe and you didn't?

Because you're a nasty old fraud.
Oh, how dare you!

And if you weren't half dead
I'd teach you a lesson!

Right, nurse! Hold my drip while
I give this man a thrashing.

I'm so pleased for Henry. I know how
much this documentary means to him.

Oh, I hate this bloody natwest ad.

I don't want some fact git who
whittles on about skittles

looking after my money.

I'd rather bank with bcci.

Here we go.

It's going to be one of the high
points of the broadcasting year.

Announcer: 'And now, a change
to our advertised programme...'

aw. What?

'In place of kingdom of silence,

'we have a tribute to the
broadcaster Walter Templeton,

'who died from a heart attack
earlier this afternoon.

'Kingdom of silence will now
be shown after Christmas.'

Henry, we're all very
sorry to hear about...

Were you there when he...

Yes. Yes, I was.

Was it very sudden?

Yes, it was very sudden.

He had a massive heart attack
just as he was swinging a punch.

Henry, I've just heard, and I
wanted to say how sorry I am

your programmes had to be moved.

Especially as it happened in
such tragic circumstances.

It's all very sad. Very, very sad.
Chuckles softly

don't despair, Henry.

Walter's spirit lives on.

He's probably up there now watching us.

'Walter Templeton was a brave, battling

'and really quite
competent journalist.'

Gus: Good news about these
unemployment figures, hey, joy?

Joy: But they're up...

Ah, yes, but the total of jobless
people is increasing more slowly.

So it's good news because things are
getting worse less quickly? Exactly.

Well, thank you for giving
me a deeper insight

into those statistics, Gus.

That's all right, joy,
that's what I'm here for.

Now, while I've got you, could
you organise me a coffee?

Sure you wouldn't prefer a lucozade?

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