Original subtitles

Voice-over: And now, drop the dead donkey.

This episode was first shown in November '91,

when speculation grew about how Robert Maxwell died,

and there was a scare about contaminated lucozade.

Ok, listen, everybody, listen...

The panel has decided the results

of the "most ridiculous explanation for Maxwell's death" competition.

In third place, Brian, with...

"He was dragged over the side by mermaids working for Mossad."

In second place, it is Alex, with...

"He was whisked away in an inflatable boat

"driven by Elvis Presley, lord lucan, and shergar."

And the winner is...

The most ridiculous explanation for his death...

Simon, with...

"He had a heart attack

"and vaulted over a three-foot rail into the sea."

Absolutely preposterous. Applause

one of these...

Meant that I was 35 minutes late this morning.

And a train weighing 300 tons was unable to pass over it.

And to think that they send men to the moon and back.

It's the good job there aren't any leaves on the bloody moon,

isn't it, George? "Houston, we have a problem!"

Right, now, can we make a start, please?

Yugoslavia...

All a bit grim, isn't it?

Very difficult to tell who's winning.

Oh, I think it's definitely the BBC.

They had some tremendous pictures

of panicking old ladies in vukovar last night.

You ok? Yeah, yeah. It's um...

Well, it's just that I bumped into Sally downstairs,

and there was something very odd about her.

What? I do know, it's hard to explain...

I was I was talking to her for a couple of minutes,

and she was being sort of, well, nice.

Nice, Sally?

No, you're right, I was probably imagining it.

Now, what have we got on Europe?

John Major's saying he's pleased

with the way the talks went with chancellor Cole.

The Germans say they've made no progress.

Yeah, that's why he's pleased.

What else?

Keith chegwin's had to stop work and go into hospital.

Is this news?

I just thought as mention it to cheer everyone up.

"Walter Templeton was a battling, brave and brilliant journalist."

Henry, I've got... What are you doing?

Working out the commentary for Walter Templeton's obituary,

he's terribly ill, poor Walter. Hmm.

Yes, I covered a lot of stories with him.

Aden, Korea, Vietnam,

in fact, our careers followed a strangely parallel course.

Yeah, that's true.

Apart from the obe, of course.

Sorry?

Well, he's been awarded the obe, and you haven't.

Yes, well, frankly, I've never seen the point of the honours system.

A ludicrous fandango of intrigue and patronage.

If they were to give me an obe now,

frankly, I'd throw it straight back at them.

Anyway, Walter's always been

much more of an establishment figure than me.

That's the reason I've never featured

on an honours list, dear boy. Yeah, I'm sure that's true, Henry.

Mind you, it probably didn't help

your squeezing princess Anne's buttocks that time.

Did you see any of this stuff in the mirror?

About this woman who claims she fell asleep

while Ken Barlow made love to her.

Well, that's not that extraordinary, is it?

What are you looking at me like that for?

George, George, could I possibly

rent a bit of your prime brain space for just a moment?

This superb documentary of Henry's, kingdom of silence,

the one about human rights in Saudi Arabia?

I am not postponing it, Gus. It's a very good piece.

Oh, I agree. It's superb.

I'm just worried that we're wasting it by putting it out on Thursday,

when we should be giving it a showcase slot,

a little further off, like, say, after Christmas?

When viewing figures will be higher,

when we can give it a big build-up, when...

British firms will have clinched Saudi orders

from the Dubai arms fair.

Saudi orders?

Yes, you know, like the �12 million order

that sir roysten's arms firm is about to secure?

I really don't know what you're talking about.

Anyway, I think we should all have a good mull about this one,

ok, George? Keep at it, tiger.

Morning, Alex. My word, but you're looking lovely today.

That colour does suit you.

I wish I had hair like yours...

Mine's rather mousey by comparison, I'm afraid.

Still, mustn't complain.

Would you like a coffee?

This is some sort of trap, isn't it?

Would you like a coffee, George?

For the last time, Sally, I will sort it out later, all right?

What did she say?

Would you like a coffee, George?

White, no sugar, isn't it?

Yes... and the same for you, Alex?

That's right? Yes.

Now, now, George, Alex, I'm...

What's up?

Sally is making us each a cup of coffee.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, it's true.

Anyone else want one while I'm here?

Bloody hell!

You see, I knew I wasn't imagining it - niceness!

Perhaps she's ill?

George! El supremo!

I've had my mull about this documentary business,

and I must say, the after-Christmas option

is looking much more attractive.

Is this Henry's piece about human rights in Saudi Arabia?

Yes, I'm proposing we defer transmission until...

Oh, no, no, no. You can't defer transmission.

The sooner these evil abuses are exposed, the better.

We must put this programme out now. It's a question of morality.

Ill, she's definitely ill.

"Walter Templeton was a battling, brave and brilliant journalist."

Yeah. Of course, that's where I first remember him,

those reports of his from Vietnam.

What made me want to get into TV news, actually.

Oh, really? Yeah.

Somehow, he always had this aura of integrity and heroism.

Yes, well, actually, I was covering Vietnam at the same time as him...

Such a great journalist's instinct,

the way he was always first to a story.

Like that report he did from hue during the tet offensive.

Yes, well, that's part of the mythology

that's grown up around him, I'm afraid.

To be strictly accurate, I was the first to get to hue, in fact,

by the time he got there, the only fighting going on was sissy stuff.

But... I was first to that story, ok?

Ok.

It's just, that's not what he says in his book...

I'm telling you, I was first! All right, all right...

I'm sorry I spoke.

I'm sorry, it's just that preparing an obituary for a friend

is a bit of a strain.

Yeah, sure, I understand.

I'll leave you to it.

"Walter Templeton was a battling, brave,

"and better-than-average journalist."

By the way, George, the daily mail rang

asking about Henry's documentary,

and whether you were a member of the labour party.

What? Don't worry, George,

I told them you were far too wishy-washy to join any party.

Thank you, joy.

Dave...

You remember last week you asked me to lend you �30,

and I... well, I was a little short with you?

You told me to stick my head down the toilet and pull the chain.

I know, and I'm sorry. It was wrong of me.

Here's the �30.

Oh, in fact, here, no... take 50.

This is some sort of trap, isn't it?

Now, listen, George, I've just had this memo from Gus,

proposing the kingdom of silence is deferred till after Christmas.

Well, that's the best bloody programme I've made in years,

and not having it delayed. The principle involved! I quite agree.

What? We must face Gus down on this. It's a matter of morality.

Is she taking the piss?

We must all stand together,

then our moral strength will win the argument.

She is like Joan of arc on speed.

This is a great chance for assault to take a stand,

attractive devotion to our work.

To follow the light, the divine light, that leads to...

My god! That's right, Damien! Your god, my god, everybody's god!

Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to preach. It's just that...

Well, you see, after me grandmother died last week, I felt so depressed.

And then, my manicurist talked me into going along to her group.

And as I stood in the church, I just felt god reach out to me.

So, you see, you won't be dealing with the old Sally any more.

Just the new, renewed Sally.

Well, um... well done, Sally.

And I'm sure we're all very pleased to know that you been renewed,

and, um, well...

Well done again.

Yeah, congratulations, Sally. What?

Well, I think it's marvellous

when someone finds an inner spiritual mission,

and I'm sure you'll find you'll relate to the world around you

that much more successfully. Thank you, Dave.

In fact, on that front, you couldn't make it 80, could you?

What the hell is going on?

Yesterday, it was all these articles

about how we shouldn't show Henry's Saudi piece,

now, it's all this personal stuff about me.

"George dent is force-feeding the viewing public

"with his discredited '60s values."

"'60s values?" What the hell do they mean by that?

Well, they've obviously seen the way you dress.

"George dent stands accused

"of stabbing British exporters in the back

"by screening this provocative attack tomorrow night,

"when this programme could easily be postponed until after Christmas."

Why have they all honed in on that? Why, indeed.

I'm afraid these tabloids are a law into themselves.

It's scandalous.

Absolutely, but don't worry, George, we won't be intimidated.

No, the company has issued this statement.

"Globelink news wishes to make it perfectly clear

"that the sole responsibility for programme output

"rests with the editor."

There you are, you see, George. Backing you to the hilt.

And look, personally signed by sir roysten himself.

So, it's down the torpedoes and full steam ahead, captain.

Yeah, the government have come up with a new definition

of legitimate refugee.

Yeah, if after you're sent home you get executed,

then you would have been a legitimate refugee.

Now, what about Europe?

Did anyone actually listen to major's guildhall speech?

Yeah, I heard it on the radio as I was driving home.

He started by saying that Britain mustn't be left behind economically.

Then what?

I don't know, I fell asleep at the wheel.

Woke up in a ditch.

You know, the aa man, who pulled me out,

says he always knows when major's come on the radio,

cos suddenly all cars start drifting across the lanes.

How about this one...

"A third of the clergy are still opposed to women becoming priests."

Aren't they ridiculous?

The lord is with you! God be praised!

On the other hand, you can see their point of view.

All right, listen, you lucky people, honest Dave is opening a book

on how long Sally continues behaving like a good Christian.

A tenner says she doesn't last the day.

One day. Put me down for two days.

Two days.

It better not be any longer than that,

I can't take much more of this,

"if I make everyone a coffee, I'll get to heaven" routine.

Yeah. Odd idea altogether, heaven.

I've always liked the Buddhist idea. When you come back,

but as an animal that's appropriate to the way you've lived your life.

Hmm. Wonder what I'd come back as?

All: A vulture.

How about princess Michael?

Minor bird.

About Roy hattersley? Toad.

Cecil Parkinson? Horny toad.

Yes, but what will he come back as? Oh, very good.

Look, can we do less laughing and a bit more work, please?

Now, where's Henry?

He's being drowned in the milk of human kindness.

And it was my sense of loss that led me to the Jesus encounter group,

where I found god.

And now your friend is dying, and you feel lonely frightened.

You're right, my dear, I am frightened.

Frightened that any second now I may lose control and strangle you.

Now will you please leave me alone, you sickening little god-botherer?

Very well.

But anger and abuse won't stop me trying to help you.

As a Christian, I must expect this sort of treatment.

Look what they did to our lord. There's an idea.

Right. Sport.

More on rugby,

England's Jeremy guscott has turned down �1 million to turn pro

and decided to stay on as a PR officer for British gas.

Well, he's obviously got hid his head screwed on.

Hey up, George, you're a celebrity. What?

Some Tory backbencher's laying into you in the commons.

Says you're an unpatriotic whinger.

You're irresponsible, could cost thousands of jobs.

He wants you called to account

and now he's sat down and everyone's going, "hughh, hughh, hughh!"

This is almost as if it's being orchestrated by somebody.

George, what can I say, the jackals are out in force, it's disgraceful.

Apparently two Tory backbenchers have attacked you in the commons.

No, it's just one. Is it?

Oh, no, I stand corrected, here goes another one.

You're un-patriotic, blah, blah, blah, blah...

He's just called you a...

Oh, no, the speaker's making him withdraw that, he says,

"it's an unparliamentary word." For heaven's sake.

It's the mentality of the mob, George.

And with all this hysteria, it's so hard to imagine

Henry's superb documentary being given a fair hearing.

Now, maybe if we postponed it after Christmas...

No, it's going out tomorrow!

And if you do try to reschedule, Gus, I'm afraid both Henry and I

would have to go public and denounce what we saw as political censorship.

Wouldn't we, Henry?

Yes, that's right.

I see.

So there's nothing more to be said then, really, is there?

Not really, Gus.

Well, that was a very timely intervention, Sally,

and I'd like to thank you for it.

And I'm sure that Henry would like to thank you for it,

wouldn't you, Henry? Oh, yes, Sally. Tha...

Tha... tha...!

No matter, just doing what's right by the lord is thanks enough for me.

She's getting more saintly by the hour.

Any moment now, she'll turn into a little ball of holy white light.

Oh yeah, well watch this, sucker.

This is where we get the old Sally back and I win my money.

Sally. Mm?

Have you seen this big profile of sue lawley in here?

No.

She does appear to be on the most enormous salary. Really?

Well, I'm sure she deserves every penny.

She really is terribly good.

Yeah, well, it is the most gigantic sum,

I mean, it makes your pay look almost insulting, really.

No, I have more than enough for my needs.

Thank you, Alice.

Yeah, and... er... she gets this fantastic dress allowance.

Yet Gus hardly upped to yours at all last year, did he?

Alex, why need I worry?

There are people in this world who have to make do with rags.

Would you like a coffee? No, I wouldn't, thank you.

I give up.

The lord giveth, and Dave taketh away.

Right... "Hong Kong repatriation to Vietnam."

Now, they're still claiming that they're using minimum compulsion.

Obviously hitting them with very short truncheons.

Er... "Massive icebergs in the shipping lanes."

That'll be an excuse on British rail notice boards soon enough.

Jesus loves you.

Jesus loves you.

Well, Damien, looks like your bet's about to go the same way as mine.

No, no, no, no. You see, you targeted her greed,

whereas I am targeting her real achilles heel, her primness.

There's all this stuff about the kurds,

what happened to the money Jeffrey archer raised?

I expect a friend delivered it

in a plain brown envelope to Victoria station.

A little uncalled for, I think, David.

Now Henry's interview with Lynda chalker, where is Henry?

He's at the hospital visiting Walter Templeton.

No doubt reminiscing about old times.

Yes.

They went through a lot together back in Vietnam, didn't they?

Certainly did. Caught a dose of the same prossie in Saigon.

Dave.

That's what he told me. George, George...

Can I tap into your cerebral gold mine just for a second?

Jesus loves you.

She hums

fart wheezes

where would we be without the gift of laughter?

Damn!

Henry? Hello, old boy. How are you?

Not too good, I'm afraid.

Every night I hear the old grim reaper knocking door,

inviting me to Robert Maxwell's reception party.

These are for you. Poxy flowers? Ah-ah.

Oh, that's more like it. Hide it in there.

Now first things first. Have you done an obituary for me?

Of course, dear fellow, yes, it's an unreserved him of praise.

Oh, we've had a few laughs together, hadn't we? Ha-ha.

Do you remember that time in Burma

when we were pinned down by the gorillas?

What a great story that was.

I never got mine broadcast, do you remember?

Film got lost, broke my heart.

Oh, yes, I suppose I can tell you now, Henry.

Your film wasn't lost, I bribed the pilot to Chuck it into the ocean.

Well, you have to laugh really, don't you?

He chuckles

George, George.

If you insist on this documentary going out tonight,

then Britain could lose millions... I'm not going on this, Gus.

Especially after the way I've been systematically persecuted.

That programme goes out tonight, as scheduled.

"And the first shall be last, and the last shall be first."

Good news for welsh rugby.

Matthew, chapter 20 verse 16.

I'm going to change the quote each morning.

You see, my girl's still going strong.

Yes, well, any second now, Saint Sally will disappear

and Sally spawn of Satan will return. Yep, here we go.

George.

I just typed my personal ident into the computer

and instead of the running order, I got a visual representation

of two testicles and erect penis.

Wobbly minus five, get my money ready.

Oh, well.

What do you mean, "oh well?"

What is the matter with you, woman? That is vulgar and obscene.

No, no, no, David. The human body's not obscene.

God made it in his own image.

Right, that is it. I have had enough of this, it's unnatural.

George, either she stops this sweetness and light routine

or I'm gonna punch her in the face.

What are you doing?

Just moving you up my prayer list. What?

It's a list of the people I'm praying for,

in the hope that they'll find god.

We're all on here.

Along with bill Wyman, gazza, and Jane Seymour.

Hang on a moment, Henry's not on here.

Oh, he's on my special list,

for people who are experiencing particular sorrow.

So there they were, shagging each other senseless on the table.

And I said...

"Would you rather I came back later, president Kennedy?"

They laugh

oh, happy days.

Now, Henry, this tribute...

You have included my report on the tet offensive, have you?

I'm remembered for that one.

Yes, I know.

Oh, quick off the mark there I was. First on the story.

Well, with respect, Walter, actually, I was first to that story.

Oh, don't be silly, old chap. You're getting confused.

I was first by a couple of days. Rubbish.

I'm telling you I was first, in fact, I was invariably first.

The only time you were ever before me was with that prossie in Saigon!

I beat you to story after story!

Then how come I got the obe and you didn't?

Because you're a nasty old fraud. Oh, how dare you!

And if you weren't half dead I'd teach you a lesson!

Right, nurse! Hold my drip while I give this man a thrashing.

I'm so pleased for Henry. I know how much this documentary means to him.

Oh, I hate this bloody natwest ad.

I don't want some fact git who whittles on about skittles

looking after my money.

I'd rather bank with bcci.

Here we go.

It's going to be one of the high points of the broadcasting year.

Announcer: 'And now, a change to our advertised programme...'

aw. What?

'In place of kingdom of silence,

'we have a tribute to the broadcaster Walter Templeton,

'who died from a heart attack earlier this afternoon.

'Kingdom of silence will now be shown after Christmas.'

Henry, we're all very sorry to hear about...

Were you there when he...

Yes. Yes, I was.

Was it very sudden?

Yes, it was very sudden.

He had a massive heart attack just as he was swinging a punch.

Henry, I've just heard, and I wanted to say how sorry I am

your programmes had to be moved.

Especially as it happened in such tragic circumstances.

It's all very sad. Very, very sad. Chuckles softly

don't despair, Henry.

Walter's spirit lives on.

He's probably up there now watching us.

'Walter Templeton was a brave, battling

'and really quite competent journalist.'

Gus: Good news about these unemployment figures, hey, joy?

Joy: But they're up...

Ah, yes, but the total of jobless people is increasing more slowly.

So it's good news because things are getting worse less quickly? Exactly.

Well, thank you for giving me a deeper insight

into those statistics, Gus.

That's all right, joy, that's what I'm here for.

Now, while I've got you, could you organise me a coffee?

Sure you wouldn't prefer a lucozade?

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