Original subtitles

'And now...

'This episode was first shown in November '91

'when Norman lamont announced

'a pre-election boost to public spending

'and Robert Maxwell died in mysterious circumstances.'

on current trends, members report

that orders are still dwindling

and staff are being laid off.

However, in the long-term,

the CBI supports the government's belief

that recovery is on the way.

On the question of economic union with Europe

the membership feels most strongly

that the government should not be rushed into accepting any deal...

Argh!

What's got into Damien?

Fancy getting into a fight with Lynn yeats.

Thank god we didn't have to broadcast it.

He's got a thing about her, she keeps beating him to exclusives.

Gegs? What?

Gegs? What sort of a clue is that?

I finished the rest of this damned crossword 24 hours ago.

Gegs, nine and four?

Why not just forget about it?

George, I have completed the Sunday times crossword correctly

for the last 25 years,

and I do not intend just to forget about it!

Now, leave me alone.

Where are they up to in the Middle East peace talks?

About 4000 bc.

You know, I think the main problem's the evening sessions.

Shamir can't get used to the concept

of the palestinians being out after curfew.

George, I wondered if you really needed me tomorrow afternoon?

You're not opening another supermarket?

No.

Modelling for a high-fashion surgical support catalogue?

Launching a new range of designer depilatory creams?

No, going to a funeral.

Oh.

Sorry.

My grandmother.

She raised me.

- She died at the weekend. - George, George.

Damien, there is no excuse for attacking Lynn yeats like that.

Look, she started it. She's ruthless, that woman.

She'd shoot her own grandmother to get an exclusive.

What?

She would!

In fact, she'd shoot both her grandmothers.

I'm telling you, George, that woman

could go wading knee deep in dead grannies!

She wouldn't care!

Listen, I'm gonna beat her this time.

Now, you know those horses that get exported live from Britain

to be eaten by the French?

Well, it turns out indirectly

that the ec are heavily subsidising the trade.

It's a great one for the punters.

Have you got any evidence, Damien? Yes, I've got a reliable source.

He's coming into the office with copies of the ec documents.

Does this photocopier ever work? All right, Sally.

I'll give you a hand, shall I?

George can't work the photocopier.

It's "be nice to Sally" week, her granny died.

Oh, poor woman

yeah, apparently, she brought Sally up single-handed.

Poor woman.

Hmm.

None of the little pictures are lit up, are they?

Move over, Einstein, I'll see if I...

It's all right, I'm quite capable, thank you.

See! It doesn't work.

Maybe I can see if something's jammed.

Oh, it's a nice one of you, George.

Now, before we start,

a word about Sally.

The funeral's this afternoon,

and she's obviously deeply upset about her granny,

so let's try and treat her with a little bit more sensitivity

than usual.

All right, Henry?

Gegs?

Right, so what have we got?

Well, there's still a lot of anger about the bt chief's pay rise.

Yes, but you see he deserves that sort of wage

on account of the enormous pressure he's under.

Pressure about what?

Well, about his pay rise.

Yeah, but... no, no, no.

Don't get involved.

Sports news?

Yeah, Taylor's announced the England squad.

Bryan Robson is hanging up his boots.

His leg, his shoulder...

Plastic knee.

Erm, George,

my "horses for export" piece,

now, my source says that the BBC are sniffing round the story.

I think we should go ahead and put it out on the six.

Yes, absolutely. I'm not sure what to do.

My source was personally at a meeting of the agriculture committee

in Strasbourg on July 14th.

I've seen the minutes, what more do you want?

I think there's a very interesting story that we're not covering.

Yes, Sally? Fire away.

Princess Diana made some really fascinating remarks

concerning the need for a better dress sense

amongst primary school teachers.

Oh, I'm sure the nation would be on the edge of...

Yes, Alex?

Nothing.

Well, I think it's a really very interesting idea, Sally,

and I'm going to consider it very carefully.

Oh, I see, so before I get a piece on the air

I've got to have my granny die, have I?

Damien!

No.

Don't worry, I have no feelings. It's a well-known fact.

This afternoon, I shall have a giggle at the graveside

of the only human being in the world I ever really cared about.

Do excuse me.

Well, I hope you feel suitably sorry, Damien.

I just feel you should use my piece, that's all.

Well, I think Damien has a point... all right. All right.

We will run the story, subject to meeting your source tomorrow.

Now,

we are expecting a lot of pictures from this Kennedy rape trial.

Teddy Kennedy's seamy past

is about to be thrown into the spotlight.

You know, I've never understood all this.

What is so seamy about his past?

Henry, the man has spent his life

lawbreaking, drinking and womanising.

And?

Oh, George, this photocopier is jammed again!

I think it's got a poltergeist in it.

No, I think it's got a bit of pizza in it.

Cluttered offices mean cluttered minds, George.

No, it's no use, we'll have to get the engineer in.

Gegs!

Argh!

Oh, that's fixed it. Cheers, Henry.

Now, then, Maxwell.

How have the mirror handled it?

There's a tribute to Maxwell, page one...

Two, three, four...

Five...

Right, well... Six, seven,

eight, nine, ten, 11.

Yup... and the centre pages.

Yes, well... and, of course, in the sport section,

there's another three pages. We'll come back to that.

Now, looking ahead to Thursday,

our late-night by-election coverage,

who are we getting into the studio to reply?

Well, we shouldn't use Kaufman,

because research shows that drunk viewers

keep getting him confused with that irritating bleeping sound we put out

telling viewers to switch their sets off.

Yes.

Not very helpful, was it, Damien?

Gegs?

You'll kick yourself when you get it.

I'll kick someone!

Have you seen these? Maxwell?

No, Sally. She's given photos and interviews

to nearly every paper, look at this.

"My private grief."

"Bye-bye, granny."

"Nan, I'll miss you."

"My secret tears."

Well, perhaps it's her way of dealing with the bereavement.

I mean, wanting to talk about it, it's quite normal.

Yeah, but doing a photo call holding your granny's ashes isn't.

I'm sorry I tried to be nice to her now.

You didn't, Dave.

Didn't I?

Oh, that's all right, then.

Can someone sign for this, please?

Here, why was Sally raised by her granny?

What happened to her parents?

Didn't have any. She was bred in a test tube at porton down.

Er, Damien, your source?

Yeah, reception say he's on his way up.

And he's got all the necessary... Yeah, yeah, he's got photos,

tape recordings and minutes of the ec Strasbourg meeting,

July 14th. Good.

Wouldn't have thought they'd have met on bastille day, would you?

George, July 14th is bastille day.

All of Strasbourg would have been closed.

Oh, god, he definitely said the 14th.

You've been had.

Yeah, Lynn yeats wouldn't have fallen for that.

Shut it! All right, all right.

All right, Sally.

Useful working funeral, was it?

Sally, what exactly is that?

It's granny.

She asked to be scattered over box hill.

It has very special memories for her,

so I promised her I'd do it.

Yes, well, I was just wondering...

Damien, this is Jean leclerc,

who says he's helping you with the "horses for export" story.

Yes, I'm so glad you're here.

Shall we just step through into my office?

I felt it was my duty to do something.

You brought the memos? I have.

And the minutes of the meeting that you showed to Damien?

All here.

Good.

Right.

So, this is the committee meeting that you attended

in Strasbourg on July 14th?

Correct.

When all ec offices are closed?

Oh, bugger.

You've been trying to con me, haven't you?

Yep.

What a stupid mistake.

Someone in the office spot it, did they?

Er, yes.

Someone in the office.

Yes, we have a staff of eagle-eyed professionals here.

And as a result, you're gonna end up where you belong. In prison.

Fair enough, if you think that's wise.

Drawing attention to the fact that you've been caught out by a hoaxer.

But we haven't. Not this time.

Although I believe you did run a story

a couple of months ago about the south African nuclear bomb.

Not pik Van Der Arden?

Indeed. It was a very juicy story, my friend, wasn't it?

Almost as juicy as the one you got from...

Luis Fernandez.

The Cuban drug dealer who knew the names

of the men who shot John f Kennedy.

You bastard.

Anyway, shall I give the police a ring?

I think on this occasion

we can afford to be merciful.

So, how much would you have taken us for, then?

�250.

You could have got a lot more than that.

I don't do it for the money.

I just love stitching up journalists.

See, a few years ago,

I had a nice steady part in a soap,

until a news of the world scumbag

wrote a pack of lies about me, and I got the push.

Mind you,

so did he when he tried to print a story from...

Catherine o'Riordan, Jeffrey archer's

blonde bondage queen from ballyshannon.

And he fell for that?

Course he did.

The secret is to tell them what they want to believe.

That, and target the story

at a particularly self-seeking and unscrupulous journalist.

Oh, come on.

He's probably making all this up as well.

Oh, yeah?

Do you mind if I use your phone?

Help yourself.

It's the star.

Now, who shall I be?

Dieter freigang.

No, even better, I'll be...

Hi, Danny.

Bob di Angelo here.

Yeah, you remember me?

I gave you the story about the fat woman on holiday in Spain

who had sex with a killer whale.

That's right.

The menorca porker orca bonker.

Yeah.

Hey, listen, Danny, I got something here

that may really interest you, some really hot stuff

about Derek hatton's early career

as a gay stripper in Amsterdam.

Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm telling you, I've got pictures and everything.

It's gonna cost you �200.

Ok, I'll see you there.

See? Easy.

The pictures?

I'll glue hatton's head onto a playgirl centrefold,

print it out of focus, they won't know the difference.

Anyway, if you'll excuse me,

I must dash.

I'm having lunch with Kelvin McKenzie.

So, do they always use them, then?

Well, I did overreach myself once when I was pissed.

Tried to sell the telegraph

John Major's night of passion with Claire rayner.

Gegs?

Gegs, gegs, gegs, gegs, gegs!

What did he say? "Gegs."

Sunday times crossword. Yes.

First clue I got actually. Oh, was it?

Shall I tell you? No!

No, don't tell him, it's such fun watching him grapple with senility.

Shut up and shake your granny.

Henry! There was no call for that whatsoever!

See you, then. By the way,

what is your name?

Well, for the next two hours, it's...

Dr Roger Smith,

the surgeon who performed the sex-change operation

on Ken Barlow.

I think they'll go for that, don't you?

Any other stories apart from Maxwell?

Camelford.

Government are still maintaining that it was stress

that turned everybody's hair green.

And Reagan's opening his library.

Three yogi bear annuals and

a let's learn to read with Jiminy cricket book.

Have we got the figures on lamont's autumn statement?

Er, yes. How much is he spending?

60 quid a vote.

George, it will be all right if I leave early tonight, won't it?

Oh, yes, what, so that you can...

Honour your granny's wishes?

No, so I can judge the young housewife of the year competition.

I shall be scattering granny tomorrow.

You're not going to leave her here?

I'm hardly going to have her perching on the judges' table, am I?

Still not got that clue, Henry?

Never mind, here, have the sun brainteaser.

Maybe you can get that.

So, Damien, we've lost our sexy "dead horses" exclusive, then?

Lynn yeats had a terrific story on breakfast TV.

Best "weeping nuns" footage I've ever seen.

Make sure you put that in the bin, won't you?

This place is turning into a tip!

I don't believe this, it's totally dead now, Gus, this photocopier.

Yes, George, this photocopier, what the hell's wrong with it?

Come on. No, no, no, I don't get on with that machine.

Don't be silly, George, it won't bite you.

It's no good asking George to look at it, he's a technical idiot.

Actually, I think you'll find

it's not plugged in properly.

Oh, yeah.

Argh!

What's that?

The photocopier's strangling George.

Oh.

You know, I still can't believe that bloke took you for a ride like that.

I know, but it's just so easy to do, isn't it?

All you have to do is make up some incredible story like...

I don't know, how they're privatising the police.

Fake a few letters and you've done it.

Any petty, little, conniving, small...

Hey, you haven't got Lynn yeats' phone number, have you?

Morning, troops. Argh!

Honestly!

George! George!

I'd like a word, if that's ok with you.

Oh, yes, certainly.

Joy, you wouldn't be so good as to do a spot of tidying up, would you?

Correct, I wouldn't.

None of this crap's mine, I've been off sick all week.

Just do it!

Thanks.

Terrific.

Leave it!

That's my crossword.

Haven't you done it yet?

I'm stuck on "gegs?"

Oh, that's so obvious. It's such a...

Joy, I'm warning you!

If anyone tells me this clue, there will be an eruption

that'll make krakatoa sound like an earwig's fart!

George, I just thought you should know

that over the past 24 hours,

I have been subjected to 19 derogatory references

belittling my feelings towards my late grandmother.

14 of them spoken, four implied,

and one written on a toilet wall.

Well, I'll...

Have the wall cleaned, obviously.

She mutters angrily

I treasure the memory of granny, George.

She was the only person who ever really loved me.

She had this library full of those really big old books.

Well, books are terrific.

And she used to make me walk round with them on my head

until my deportment was right. For hours and hours.

And then she used to put golf balls in my mouth

if my elocution was poor.

She sounds wonderful.

And now you, George, are allowing the staff to make fun of her memory.

I won't have her mocked, George.

I am determined to give her a proper, dignified send-off.

Terrific, joy.

You know, I bet you feel a lot better for that, don't you?

Damien. Yes, Gus.

I see Lynn yeats had yet another exclusive last night.

Mm, she did, didn't she?

The leak about parts of the police being privatised.

Didn't she do well?

Now, listen, everyone.

Sally is very upset

about all these jibes.

From now on, all of you

will show the proper respect

for her loss.

Absolutely. Sally is our prize televisual asset.

And if anyone is caught showing a lack of respect,

they could find themselves being returned to the job market.

Is that clear? Yes.

Good.

Have we got something on imelda marcos?

Everybody's got something on imelda marcos.

We've got some pictures of her getting off a plane in manila.

God, things have changed a bit since she was in power, haven't they?

Yeah, when she was in power, people used to get shot

getting off planes in manila.

Let's review it now, George, I've got a lot to do this morning.

Strange, isn't it?

To think that a human being's in there.

Doesn't feel like much.

Death is death.

It's nothing to get excited about. Yeah, I suppose so.

You've just got to be dispassionate,

rational and detached about it.

Yep. Shall we have a peek?

No, we can't. Oh, go on.

All right, a quick one.

Sally's gran, was she a very small woman?

It's empty.

Yeah, I knocked it over, some herbal tea or something.

Looked horrible.

Oh! That was the ashes of Sally's granny.

Oh, that explains it, then.

Look, what did you do with her, then?

Well, I put her in a sack and gave her to Martin

to take down with the rubbish.

Oh, shit, we've got to get her back!

What's that noise?

Dustcart.

Gone.

You heard what Gus said, what am I gonna do?

This is gonna take days.

Let's just fill it with bits of polystyrene.

For god's sake.

Oh, come on.

None of this actually affects the granny, does it?

Oh, course not. She wanted to be scattered on a beautiful hillside

amongst trees and fields.

She ends up being scattered on a municipal tip

amongst empty baked bean cans and used condoms.

No difference at all, is there?

George!

Ah, there you are, I've been looking all...

What are you doing?

You don't smoke, Damien.

I've been under a lot of pressure.

Anything I can do for you?

Er, yes, I was wondering if you had anything

on this police privatisation story that Lynn yeats is running.

I don't think that story is worth much effort actually, George.

Oh, don't you? Well, I do.

Come with me.

Can someone sign for this?

Yes.

It's the new government recommendations

on energy conservation your boss wanted.

Oh, good.

Yeah, he had them biked up from swindon.

Gegs?

Nine and four.

I'll get this, if it's the last bloody thing I do!

Gegs?

What is the answer?

Scrambled eggs.

You see, it's the word "eggs" all sort of,

well... scrambled.

Oh.

Why are you looking at me like that?

What's up?

Here, get away from me.

Get away from me!

He's a nutter!

God.

Have you seen this?

The government have admitted they do have provisional plans

to privatise sections of the police.

What!

God knows how Lynn yeats found out.

Number 10 are holding a leak enquiry.

Still, another triumph for her.

I do not believe this.

The jammy cow!

Sally's gran is back to her former self.

She's three parts lapsang souchong

to two parts coffeemate.

Henry's still chasing that kid.

He'll never catch him.

He won't now, the kid's driving off on his motorbike.

Oh, no, Henry's flagging down a taxi.

There he goes.

Where's my urn?

Oh. Er...

Here it is, Sally.

I put it to one side for you for safekeeping.

Oh, right.

Thanks.

I don't know.

It's incredible, isn't it?

To think that granny is in there.

Mmm.

Groans

whirring

right, bush, NATO,

it's amazing the changes we've seen.

We no longer have to worry about the Soviet union having the bomb.

No, just the Ukraine, Lithuania, Azerbaijan...

It is worrying, isn't it?

Like this sea pollution story,

though the government are saying the situation's improving.

Well, that's probably because they're dumping

all the really dangerous chemicals

directly into cornish drinking water.

Hmm. The schools bill?

More testing for pupils.

Yes, my daughter Deborah doesn't like them.

When her teachers brought her some test papers last week,

she set fire to them. Set fire to her test papers?

No, set fire to her teachers.

She said it was an accident, she knocked over a bunsen burner.

And I believe her.

Yes, you do, don't you?

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