Original subtitles

This episode of drop the dead donkey was first shown in October '91,

when mirror journalist Nick Davies and Robert Maxwell

were being accused of links with Mossad,

and lawyers argued over whether Ken Barlow was boring.

Hospital trusts. Waldegrave's changed his policy again.

Uh-huh.

Hospital trusts. Waldegrave's changed his policy again.

You just said that.

I know. He's changed his policy again.

Oh, this might be worth doing something on.

Mrs Thatcher's going to record the gettysburg address.

So now she wants to emulate Abraham Lincoln.

Oh, good idea! Let's buy some tickets for the theatre!

Oh, and major's making a speech around about now

in favour of opportunities for women.

Yes, cos he's got lots of women in his cabinet (!)

Now, now, joy. John Major's point

is that women have to force their way into the cabinet on merit.

Quite right.

I mean, it must be so hard to find a woman

with more talent than John gummer or Michael Howard...

Well, exactly!

Alex, you couldn't come for a dip in my think tank for a second?

Oh, joy, you're not going anywhere near the kettle, are you?

Near it.

Alex, I just wanted to say

how well you're leading the squad in George's absence.

How's his holiday going? Do we know?

Oh, I think he's beginning to unwind.

He's only phoned into the office seven times so far today.

Splendid.

Now, I just want to remind you

that we are expecting our Russian vip.

A key player in sir royston's expansion into eastern Europe.

So I want to see you on charm overdrive, Alex.

You've got a lovely smile.

And I feel it's a bit of a shame we don't see it more often.

I see. You'd like me to come on like a synchronised swimmer.

Would you like me to wear the nose clip, as well?

He laughs

playful banter - that's the kind of thing I mean.

Plenty of that. Was that all?

Well, there was one other thing.

Damien's reports.

I can't help noticing he keeps getting beaten to the punch

by the opposition. That lyn yates woman.

Her stuff last night was full of blood-soaked children

and dying animals. It was terrific!

Tell Damien I want to see him competing with lyn yates.

It's not easy, Gus. The woman's totally ruthless.

Apparently, she got that exclusive interview with Saddam Hussein

by telling him she could get her hands on some cheap nerve gas.

Hmm.

Very impressive.

I wonder how long she's got to run on her contract.

Joy! Have we located the kettle yet?

Yes, it's over there.

Yes, well, actually...

Gus, if you're asking me to make you a coffee, then say so.

Right. I'd like a cup of coffee, please.

Sorry, too busy.

Anything coming up?

On Wednesday, they're revealing the new patients' charter.

Gives the patient the right to a fixed appointment,

which will specify the time and the day.

Even the year.

Hey, how'd you get those?

My brothers away and I'm looking after his cat, Fergie.

Why did he call it Fergie?

Well, cos he says it costs a fortune to feed

and it's always abandoning its kittens.

Gus: Team, listen up.

Now, I'd like you to meet mr Yuri chislenko,

chairman of the Soviet committee for telecommunications,

and his interpreter, mr vasili boganov.

They'll be here for a few days to study our news-gathering systems.

Right, this is Alex pates, our acting editor.

He speaks Russian Alex Bates.

Oh, I hate chivalrous men.

They make things so difficult for the rest of us.

He speaks Russian

he says your beauty illuminates the room like the northern star.

Alex won't fall for that cobblers.

Thank you.

Oh, for god's sake!

And, if I may, mr chislenko.

The queen of our silver screen, Sally smedley.

They speak Russian

he says "hi".

And, of course, king of anchor men, Henry Davenport.

If I may, Gus. Speaks Russian

he replies in Russian

Henry speaks Russian

I don't think that's what you meant to say, is it?

How do you mean?

Well, you just congratulated him on being a pregnant cauliflower.

Perhaps there's something interesting

we could show mr chislenko.

Something that doesn't involve Henry.

Er, Damien's tape's just come in. No-one's viewed it yet.

Ah, perfect! This way, gentlemen, if you please.

Now, the young man you're about to see

is our front-line news warrior.

He translates into Russian

of course, your mr gorbachev is very popular over here.

Over here, yes.

And I understand mrs Thatcher is still very popular in your country.

Oh, yes. All the stalinists think she's great.

Here it comes now.

The civil war has been raging here for months now.

Every morning, corpses like this one

appear by the roadsides, left by the death squads.

Each corpse a grim reminder of the daily tragedy

being acted out in towns and villages throughout the region.

Another violent death...

Morning.

Oh, for god's sake, Gerry!

I thought he was a stiff!

Three days now and we haven't found a single decent corpse.

Gerry: Lyn yates has done pieces with lots of corpses.

Just shut up about lyn yates, all right, Gerry?

We keep arriving late at stories.

And do you know why, Gus?!

Because the money you've allocated me

means that the only transport I was able to hire was this.

Show him, Gerry.

Go on, show him!

See?

It's a f...

I think we've seen enough of that, don't you?

And perhaps you could explain to mr chislenko

that we occasionally experience minor operational hiccups?

Don't worry. He didn't notice anything.

Let me get this straight,

Alex and your boss had dinner together last night?

Yes. With me playing loganberry.

He wrote her a poem. Very difficult to interpret.

Especially the bit where he likened her to a proud sturgeon.

Bit of a softie, your boss, then, is he?

Not to work for, he isn't. Terrible temper.

He explodes more frequently than Soviet power station.

I'm his fifth interpreter in six months.

A big yeltsin man, though, isn't he?

Oh, yes. During the coup, he lay down in front of a row of tanks.

Yes, in my country, he is regarded as... what is the word?

Hero.

No... lunatic.

A lot going on in your neck of the woods.

Yeltsin abolishing price controls, moving towards the free market.

Yes, just think, vasili,

soon you may have an economy as efficient and successful as ours.

He laughs

she is serious, isn't she?!

Phone rings

hello.

Oh, hi, George. How's the holiday going? What's the beach like?

Uh-huh. Deserted. Oh, that's great.

Well, when did you realise it was a sewage outfall?

Yeah, well, when you're swimming,

you don't see things till the last minute, do you?

Don't worry, everything's fine here. Perfectly normal.

Henry: Listen, flea brain! Hear that? Perfectly normal.

There's no point in giving you the really serious stories.

I mean, you'd make a rail disaster sound like a bloody recipe!

The sound of lively debate, eh?

That shows a healthy working atmosphere.

Gus, I want some heavyweight items.

Yes, well, I think... Alex!

We seem to have a bit of a

who-does-what situation with Henry and Sally.

It's perfectly clear who does what.

Henry shouts and blusters,

and Sally simpers and gets on everybody's nerves.

I get the feeling you're not taking this very seriously, Alex.

Where's the Middle East conference up to? Oh, stalemate.

The Israelis are refusing to have Pepsi on the conference table

because Pepsi trade with the arabs,

and the arabs are refusing to have coke

because Coca-Cola do business with Israel.

Nice to know they're taking the peace process seriously (!)

Looks like the only thing they both agreed on is no bacon sandwiches.

There's more stuff about why the mirror fired Nicholas Davis.

I can't believe they were so naive.

I mean, fancy accepting a journalist's expenses

as proof of his whereabouts. Dave laughs

so, what does that leave?

Er, three questions, really.

One, how are we gonna cover yugoslavia?

Two, what exactly does an ec observer actually do?

And three... have you slept with Yuri yet?

Dave!

Come on, how long you known him now? Two days?

Yeah, I suppose two days is a long-term relationship for you,

isn't it, mr wham-bam- here-comes-your-husband-ma'am?

Funny. Come on, come on, come on, tell me. Tell me.

Look, it's very nice.

He's considerate, and he's fun...

And he doesn't speak a word of English,

which means you don't ruin the sex

with endless discussions about where the relationship's going.

Right. So you slept with him, then.

Ok, who had two days?

Two?

Oh, thank you (!)

Phone rings

hello. Oh, hi, George.

No, everything's great here.

How's the holiday going?

So where did this dog bite you?

Well, I would have thought the chances of it having rabies...

543-1, right.

Well, look, George, try and relax. Try and enjoy yourself.

Yeah, we'll remember to lock up.

Ok. Bye.

Alex. Sally.

Alex, glancing at this morning's running order

I see yet that again is it Henry who is interviewing Douglas Hurd.

Why can't I interview him?

Because your interview technique is too coy.

Too coy? What do you mean?

She means that you make sue lawley look like the gestapo.

Now, look, Sally... No, you look!

I shall speak to sir royston... hey!

He shouts in Russian

what's he saying?

He says, "please do not use that tone

"with a woman, one tiny hair of whose head

"is worth more than your whole over-made-up body".

Well, kindly tell your friend that I won't be insulted by a...

How's it going, team? Lots of glasnost bubbling away?

Terrific.

Alex, I'll appreciate a lightning brainstorm at some point.

He speaks Russian

he says he must speak to miss pates now, or he will die.

Well, I suppose it can wait.

Alex, I'll be in my office.

Here's your coffee, Gus.

Oh, thank you, joy. It looks rather strong.

Yes, it does, rather, doesn't it?

You owe me �50. Hey?

I had two days in the sweepstakes.

Right.

He speaks Russian

he says he loves you with all his being and you must marry him.

You mean he's proposing?

Yes.

Well, I'm sorry, but we hardly know each other.

They speak Russian

he chuckles

he says, after last night, he knows you as a soul mate in eternity.

He says, together you climb to the pinnacles of unsurpassable ecstasy.

And believe me, this is just as embarrassing for me.

Well, look, um...

Can you tell him that, uh...

I'm really very touched by his proposal.

But that, um...

Well, we lead completely different lives,

and so I hope he's not hurt.

But the answer has to be no. Da.

He speaks Russian

chislenko speaks Russian

he shouts in Russian

you, um... did translate what I said, didn't you?

Yes.

I mean... obviously, the interpreter's art

involves more than just a literal word-for-word version.

Uh-huh.

All right, I softened it slightly in translation.

To put it in a gentler way.

So, how did you put it, exactly?

I told him that you were touched by his proposal of marriage.

And that you accepted.

What?!

Why?! Why did you say that?

Listen, that is a passionate, irrational and powerful man.

A man who lays down in front of tanks.

If I had translated your rejection,

he would almost have certainly blamed me

for not putting across his thoughts properly,

then I would have been fired.

And I have a wife and four kids in Kiev who rely on me.

So I told him a little white lie.

She scoffs "a little white lie"?!

Well, where's he gone?

To ring his mother.

What's the matter?

Yuri. Can you believe this?

I have spent one night with the man and now he wants to marry me.

Oh, that's just sick!

I'd suppose I'd better go after him

before he books the red square for the reception.

Come on, I need you.

Yes, Gus, what is it? Only I'm in a hurry.

Alex, I wanted to say that mr chislenko's attitude towards you

seems to be verging on the intense.

And I hope you'll handle this situation with your usual diplomacy.

Oh, get stuffed, Gus. Ok?

Isn't there something you should be getting on with, David?

Yeah, I've got more stuff on the mirrorgate story.

I trust we're not giving credence

to these ludicrous allegations about Robert Maxwell?

No, of course not. Absolute rubbish.

I mean, if Maxwell was involved with Mossad,

he'd have put his son on the board, wouldn't he?

And then there's this court case.

"Is Ken Barlow boring?"

I mean, honestly!

It's ludicrous, isn't it, the way some people get involved?

Mind you, he's never been the same since Deirdre left him.

What else is there? There's this story about...

Oi! Are you listening? Hmm?

I'm sorry, Dave, it's this Yuri business. I don't know what to do.

I've tried spelling it out to him.

Of course, it's not made any easier

by vasili constantly softening things in translation.

I mean, I discovered yesterday that "I will never, ever marry you"

got translated as "give me time to think about it".

Don't worry, they're flying home on Saturday.

Yuri isn't. Says he's staying until

"my heart succumbs to the fiery dragon of his love".

You're joking?

I mean, in many ways, he is a lovely man.

But in others, he is an immature prat and I want him out!

Phone rings yes!

Yes, George, everything's fine. Go back to the beach!

Alex, there's a balalaika band in reception.

Mr chislenko sent them to serenade you.

Give me strength!

Oh, and there's more footage in from dubrovnic. Ok.

Oh, this shelling is obscene, isn't it?

Just senseless destruction.

All those poor defenceless little waterfront cafes.

Oh, Dave...

I don't understand the choices Britain has in this Europe deal.

Oh, yeah, it's perfectly simple.

Either we join the single European currency

and become part of the biggest market in the world,

or we can opt out and just concentrate on massive trade deals

with rockall and the Isle of Man.

Where's your boss?

In reception with balalaika band singing Georgian betrothal song.

Listen, vasili, you have got to explain to him

that his relationship with Alex has no future.

I have tried. He worships her as this perfect being.

But he can't keep pursuing her like this.

He will. He will unless she turned out to be

some mass-murdering drug addict or something.

Ah. Um...

Well, it's funny you should mention that, actually,

because she does have a big drugs problem, actually.

Marijuana. Oh, well, marijuana...

Cocaine... and ecstasy.

Heroin. You've probably seen the marks on her arms.

We tried to persuade her to go into therapy, but, you know.

And the addiction, it just makes her so erratic.

It's probably what causes the shoplifting.

And the nymphomania.

Nymphomania?!

Yes, sad. She just goes down stringfellow's,

picks up a different bloke every night.

It's an illness, really. Bozhe moi!

Yeah, course, if your boss ever found out you knew about all this

and hadn't warned him, he'd be a bit upset, wouldn't he?

Da.

..I'm gonna end up in an asylum with him..

See what I mean? Erratic.

He sings in Russian

my kind of woman, yes.

Alex: Dave, Damien's stuff's coming in.

Excuse me.

He whispers in Russian

here we go.

Ok. Here'll do.

Gerry: But lyn yates has already done one from here.

For the last time, stop talking about lyn yates. Ok?

Right, in three.

This road is the main supply route for the government troops.

And yet, as you can see, it's...

Explosion

there's... there's been an explosion behind me.

It looks like an armoured vehicle has been struck by mortar fire.

There are people running,

there are dead bodies everywhere, as you can see.

This is tremendous..Ly moving,

to see the brutal reality of war captured in these pictures...

Gerry: No pictures. No pictures.

What do you mean, no pictures? Camera fault.

What?!

Bad cameras.

Now, if we had state-of-the-art cameras

like lyn yates' crew have got... Gerry...

..I did tell you what would happen if you mentioned lyn yates again.

Thump ow!

Jesus wept!

Alex, I have to say

there's been a serious shortfall of discipline this week.

And if George had been here... yes?

..He wouldn't have handled it any better.

Alex, I still don't appear to have

a serious item in tonight's broadcast.

Right, fine. You want a serious item, here.

Sixth item, first one after the break,

the global increase in leprosy. Ok?

I said serious, not repulsive.

Oh, this Yuri business is driving me insane!

Yeah, well, I think I may have helped you out there.

What?

Yes, I think I may have persuaded Yuri to quietly back off.

Dave, you're my hero!

Da.

He speaks Russian

stringfellow's!

What's the matter, Yuri?

He speaks Russian

vasili clears throat

he says he is withdrawing his proposal of marriage.

Oh.

Right. Um...

Well, that's fine.

Right. Um...

Look, could you tell him that, um...

..I will always remember him with great affection.

Vasili speaks Russian

chislenko speaks Russian

and he says he will always remember you

as a symbol of fraudulence and harlotry.

Ha!

Yuri!

This is fortunate ending. Hmm.

This way, I do not get the blame for things not turning out.

Well, so long, my friend. Take care.

If ever you are passing Kiev...

Keep going. It's a dump.

Hi. Um... there's a story coming in and it's gonna be big.

We... we should cover this.

Dave, exactly how did you persuade Yuri to, um, "quietly back off"?

Well, I-i simply persuaded him

that his relationship with you had no future.

Now, we should cover this, because this is gonna run.

What else did you tell him?

Nothing.

What else?

Well, um...

I told him that... That you took drugs.

And I also said you were a sort of, um... shoplifter.

Anything else?

No! No, definitely not. Phone rings

yep? Oh, hello, George.

No, they're both busy right now.

Well, I think Alex is grilling Dave about what he did

that made her Russian lover, who Gus is sucking up to,

storm out the door, shouting that Alex was a harlot...

Righty-ho.

George says he's getting the next flight home.

What else?! Well, um...

I sort of suggested you were a... a nymphomaniac.

Listen, you said you just wanted him out of your life!

You didn't care how. I was just being a friend.

So I am to understand that you have sent that man away

under the impression that I am a thieving, sex-mad junkie?!

Well, I'm sure he'll just remember the good times.

Where is Alex? That is the limit!

Our Russian friend has stormed off in one hell of a mood,

and her attitude is not good enough!

I'm gonna give her a severe...

Gus, I don't think now is quite the right time.

Now is the right time, Henry! This has gone on far too long.

Alex, you have got to learn to exercise some self...

Thump ooh!

Er, joy, you're not going anywhere near

the first-aid kit, by any chance, are you?

Gus: What's coming in, Dave?

Dave: Oh, Middle East talks, queen's speech...

Just superficial pomp and meaningless ritual, isn't it?

Same goes for the queen's speech.

Yes, very droll, Dave.

Now, what's the substance of her majesty's speech?

New school bill to give parents the right to blame the teacher

for their kids being thick.

Prison mutiny bill.

How do you punish prison mutineers?

Well, you send them to prison.

Well, yeah, but... Oh, it doesn't matter.

And the biggie, of course, is the council tax.

Yes, I must say, I could never see anything wrong with the poll tax.

Well, of course, yeah. It did favour people

who were always going to live on their own, didn't it?

What's that supposed to mean, David? Nothing.

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