All language subtitles for Drop The Dead Donkey s02e05 Drunk Minister.eng

Voice-over: And now,
drop the dead donkey.

This episode was first
shown in October '91,

when us hostage Jesse
Turner was released,

and negotiations began about a
Middle East peace conference.

This is the last bus

carrying innocent villagers
away from the advancing rebels.

Away from their merciless butchery...
bloody hell!

Come on, Gerry!

I'll see you back at the hotel!

Where did you find that?

On a tape Damien sent in.

He's really gone too far this time.

Isn't he supposed to be
going out to yugoslavia?

No, I've told him he can't go.

I've sent him out to do
an item on the recession.

Phone rings

George dent.

Phone rings he groans

George dent.

Hello?

Hel... hello?

Oh, these bloody phones! Dave, I
thought you were gonna ring bt?

I did ring bt.

So why hasn't anything
been done about it?

Cos I keep getting through to the
streatham branch of spudulike.

Couldn't help with the phones,

did suggest we commit an axe
murder on Maureen lipman.

Well, at least the citizen's
charter will improve all that.

Yes, you still won't be
able to get through,

but at least the person
not picking up the phone

will be wearing a name badge.

Yes... anything else?

Chilli bean filling's on special offer.

Thank you, Dave (!)

Now, Europe's big again, more
about British sovereignty.

Exactly, we don't want
decisions made in Brussels.

We can't have some faceless,
grey bureaucrat running Britain.

We've got some faceless, grey
bureaucrat running Britain.

True. Er, listen, we've had a
letter from the gay action group.

They say we're ignoring
homosexual issues,

attack the hypocrisy
of gay celebrities,

say they're gonna out them. Oh,
who'd be interested in that?

Absolutely, it's tasteless,
prurient and shabby.

They've sent a list. Really?

Yes, look, I knew it.

Oh, that's ridiculous,
he's not gay. No?

No, no, he's into farmyard animals,
got a thing about friesians.

Please! Can we get back
to the matter in hand?

Anyway, that can't be
true, he's married.

Sally: George!

"Now, I'm not one to complain..."

Now, I'm not one to complain,

but I do seem to be getting
all the depressing items

to announce again, while Henry
gets all the upbeat stuff.

Yes, there is a perfectly
logical explanation for that.

Which is? You're paranoid.

Paranoid, am I?

In the last two weeks,

I have announced to the nation three
air crashes, two rail crashes,

six serious fires,

two motorway pile-ups, one
involving a dead pony,

three reports on the ozone
layer, one oil spill,

12 murders, nine stabbings,

one flood, two landslides,
three famines,

and a live interview with John gummer.

George? I haven't finished yet!

Now, if I'm constantly
linked with bad news...

How's she going to get any
decent parts in panto?

For the last time, I am not
interested in doing panto.

Yes, you are. Oh, no, I'm not.

All: Oh, yes, you are!

Got her again!

George? Yes?

That minister Nicholas waugh's arrived

for the interview on the one o'clock...
oh, good.

..Pissed as a rat. Oh, no.

Oh, for goodness' sake, how bad is he?
He's not incapable?

George, he's a government minister.

Would some black coffee do any good?

A bucket and a stomach
pump wouldn't do any good.

Oh, wonderful. This would
happen on Alex's day off.

And where the hell is Damien's report?

While economists and politicians

argue whether the recession
is bottoming out,

here in Britain's high streets,
bankruptcies are not only increasing

but becoming more visible.

As shops go broke and branches close,

there are now no longer...

Excuse me, we're trying to
film a news report here.

Could I ask you, in the nicest
possible way, to piss off?

Oh, sod it. Gerry, give us a fiver.

Come on.

Here.

Now, bog off.

Are we still running? Clears throat

while economists and politicians

argue whether the recession
is bottoming out,

here in Britain's high streets,

bankruptcies are not only increasing...

? Krishna, hare krishna...
? oh, Jesus wept.

? Krishna, hare, hare...
? bloody nutters.

? Hare rama, hare rama ?

? rama, rama... ? we'll
go when it's quiet.

Chanting fades

all right, then?

While economists and politicians

argue whether the recession
is bottoming out,

here in Britain's high streets,
bankruptcies are not only...

Mutters: Oh, for goodness' sake.

Sighs wearily

Henry, what do you think of
this extension of the eec?

Oh, it's a great step forward.
Oh, yes, yes.

Now all Europeans can join together

in one common bond of hating the Swiss.

Yes, bloody leather-shorted yodellers.

I thought that was the Austrians?

Erm... correction, two common bonds.

Henry, you fancy a flutter on my
"how many writs will Maxwell issue

"by the end of the week" sweepstake?

Hmm, 24? Ok.

24, that's the lowest yet.

Er, Dave?

Yes, yes, I'm going. Thank you.

Knocks on door

good morning, minister, I've
brought you some coffee.

It's afternoon.

Still, we can't expect you
people to be accurate.

You're always lying, eh?

I suppose you're going to stitch me up,

just like the bolshevik
broadcasting corporation

stitched Michael Howard, eh?

Erm, I'll put it here, shall I?

Mm, have a whiskey. Not
right now, thanks.

Shall I get you some water? Why,
why, why, won't you drink with me?

Huh?

Typical media wimp. Scoffs

yeah, you're all pallid pink clones,

sipping your Nicaraguan mineral water.

You obviously haven't
met Henry Davenport.

Oh, yes, I know Henry, yeah.

He tried to pull my wife
once at a party conference.

Didn't get anywhere, though,
so I won the tenner off him.

He's doing me, is he?

Yes, yes. Well, that was the idea,

to balance the interview
with Robin cook

on the breakfast bulletin.
Oh, Robin, Robin cook.

I've got a lot of respect for Robin.
Yeah?

No. Ugly little turd.

Talking of turds, is Gus hedges
still the governor round here?

Yeah. Hmm.

"Governor." Chuckles

it is sad. Sad, isn't it, eh?

Old England going down the swanee.

Waugh chuckles cabbies,

cabbies always used to
say "guv'nor," you know?

"Piss off, guv'nor," they'd say,

"not going there this time of night."

Sad, very sad. Yes, listen,
I'll take this away, shall I?

Erm, for a refill?

Maybe I'll leave it there.
Bloody eec, you see?

Jacques bloody delors... mumbles

well, I'd hardly call
it socialist bias.

Well, no, actually, it was only
three minutes of Gerald Kaufman.

Probably just felt like eight.

He is completely smashed,
it's not even lunchtime.

Yes, you have to admire
that, don't you?

Apparently you chatted
up his wife once?

Hmm? Oh, yes. Unsuccessfully.

That's what he thinks.

Well, it's very hard to edit Kaufman.

He doesn't breathe in between sentences

like a normal human being.

We do try to be fair and give a bal...

Hello? Hello?

Oh, these bloody phones!

Joy, have you got through to bt yet?

Don't be silly, George,
I've only had 19 goes.

George, there is no way
he can go on the air,

he is completely incoherent.

He's going off on wild tangents,
blathering on about the eec.

That's never stopped us
interviewing Nicholas Ridley.

Only he's never had the
excuse of being drunk.

Have we got through to
Tory central office?

We've been trying, George.

All the lines have gone haywire,
it must be the exchange.

Oh, this is ridiculous. Why did
they have to send us waugh?

I mean, what's wrong with waldegrave?

You want a list?

Have you seen this? The
number of people in Britain

below the poverty line has
doubled to 11 million.

Well, I think a lot of them
don't want to be helped.

My maid has walked out on me

just because I asked her to do a
little job outside the house.

Er, Sally... in the end,

I had to get a professional
company in to drain the cesspit.

George! George, my main man.

I hear there's a blip on your scanner?

A government minister a
bit the worse for wear?

Yes, and we don't know what to do.

Well, maybe I could lay
out the options for you?

One, we send him on pissed,

we're accused of deliberately making
a Tory minister look ridiculous

and we all end up getting crucified.

Two, we stop him going on,

by the time Tory central
office talk to him he's sober,

denies he was ever drunk,

we're accused of gagging
a government spokesman

and we all end up getting crucified.

Yes, well, thanks for laying
out the options, Dave.

Er, so, Gus, what do you suggest?

Well, I wouldn't want to adopt
some glib position here, George,

and, as you know, I never
interfere in the editorial side

of your operation. Cheers (!)

George, you have to make a decision.
How can I make a decision when...

Once again, I have been saddled
with the latest water scare.

It's always me.

Not true, I had the
water scare yesterday.

Yes, but I had Monday's water
scare, and last Wednesday's,

and both of Friday's!

Can we stop... Davenport,
you old bastard!

Oh, Nick, old boy! Both laugh

ah, when are you going
to get a proper job, eh?

Oh, my god.

Well, I was... I was telling
your, er, your lackey here

about that party conference thing.

Whatever happened to that
woman you were shafting

in your hotel room?

Oh, I believe she's
divorcing you, Nick.

Laughs

always the wag, eh, Henry?
Always the wa... ah!

The delightful miss smedley.

Chuckles haven't we,
I'm sure we've met,

have we, at some sort of
charity do, was there?

I hope not. No, no, we did,
I'm sure we did, we did,

it was, erm, I don't know,
Ethiopians or, or pakistanis

or disabled lesbian
donkeys, or something.

So, you, er, you ravishing creature...

Chuckles ..Why aren't
you interviewing me?

I don't know. I usually get
all the depressing items.

Er, sir Nicholas? Yes?

I was just wondering... yes?

I was just thinking, maybe
you might like to postpone,

temporarily, your interview,
on account of you being...

You being so, er...

Major a political figure?

Only, well, as you know,

the evening bulletin has a much
more intellectual class of viewer.

What?

Or tomorrow, perhaps,
would be a good time?

Are you suggesting that I
don't do this interview now?

Er, no. No? Well, yes. Yes?
Well, probably. Probably?

Clears throat so...

You have scrotum features cook
on the breakfast bulletin,

and no-one to answer him?

Well, it just does seem you are
a little... overstretched.

Mocking: Overstretched?

This is another pinko media
trick, isn't it? Yeah.

Now, listen, I came in here to
answer some damn silly questions,

and I'm going to answer
some damn silly questions.

I'm ringing central office
about you pillocks.

I think you'll find the phones...
Stop wittering, you prat.

Leave it!

Damien sighs

oh, not you again. Go on!

Sighs

we'd better go quickly
before any more turn up.

Oh, we can live with the piano.

While economists and politicians

argue whether the recession
is bottoming out,

here in Britain's high streets, bank...

Morons.

While economists and politicians

argue whether the recession
is bottoming out,

here in Britain's...

Oh, great.

Great, bloody great!

Groans

while economists...

Car alarm sounds

glass smashes

he's in my office!

Well spotted, George.

He's sitting in my chair!

What is this, the three bears?

Hell's bells, we're on in 12 minutes!

Can we finalise the running order?
Yes, yes, yes, all right.

Oh, joy, could you make
me a cup of coffee?

Now, there's a review today of
the decision not to prosecute

four detectives involved in
the guildford four case.

Police say they didn't
have enough evidence.

That's never stopped them before.

Well, at least all this could
lead to some legal reforms.

Oh, it has already. They've reduced
the sentence for being Irish

from 15 years to ten.

Now, what about this charter for
women major's come up with?

Good god, the man's got
more charters than Dan-air.

Who does he think he is, mother
major of bloody Calcutta?

Thank you, Henry (!)

I actually think it's rather important

that women should have
equality in the office place.

Oh, good, then you can
get your own coffee.

Now, George, Henry not only
says "good evening" first,

but he also gets to say
"good night" last.

Is there a reason for this?

Yes, I'm one of Britain's most
experienced TV journalists,

while you're a lobotomised Tracy

who belongs behind a
woolworths checkout!

Next! Do you want me to get my cv

so you can read my list of credits?
I'd be finished in ten seconds.

You usually are, according to
what it says in the ladies'.

George, there seem to be a
few more incoming missiles

on your radar screen.

Plus, all those complaints about bias.

Now, we're ice-skating on
jellied eels over this one.

What?

We can't afford any more mistakes.

What's the matter with
your bloody phones?

I keep getting some wop going on
about murdering Maureen lipman

with an axe.

Well, I did try to... an
excellent notion, if you ask me.

Bloody phones.

I remember, I remember a time...

..When you could pick
up a phone, and...

Come to think of it, they
didn't work then, either.

Bloody eec, Jacques bloody del...

Where's my glass?

Somebody is going to have to
tell that unpleasant drunk

that he won't be on the news!
Come along, chief.

No, no, no, I've already told him.
Gus, you know him, don't you?

I do move in those circles, but...
it's just that,

when he arrived, you were the
first person he mentioned.

He called you "the governor".

Really? Oh, yes.

I'd really appreciate it
if you'd have a word.

Oh, very well.

I suppose this situation
does call for finely-honed

executive man-management skills.

Security say some of the gay
action lot are downstairs.

Oh, you're joking? George, George,

the gay action... Not now, not now!

Waugh: Feeble-brained, brown-nosing,

bullshitting clotheshorse!

George, er...

The minister said he'd
rather talk to you.

Come on, come on!

The lunchtime's on the
air in ten minutes,

we've got to concentrate.

Gerry whispers: Wires. What?

Wires! Oh, right.

Sighs come on, this time, this time.

While economists and politicians

argue whether the recession
is bottoming out,

here in Britain's high streets,

bankruptcies are not only increasing,

but are becoming more visible.

As shops go broke and branches close,

there are now no longer eager
tenants waiting to take over.

Increasingly...

Quietly: Jesus.

I'll just have to move
ten yards down the road.

It's all we can do.

Piano fell on the floor.

Excuse me, do you know any...

Did you rip these out of my car?

Damien sighs

well, what if I did?

Three minutes. Look, someone's
got to tell him he can't go on.

Well, maybe we could
go ahead without him

and hope he falls asleep or
something and never realises?

George, you have to tell him!

How? Answer me that!
Well, you're the editor.

He just has to be told!
Well, you tell him!

Oh, for heaven's sake, I'll tell him!

No, no, no, no! Henry! Oh, my god.

Nick? Mm?

Nick, you're as pissed as a fart.

If you do this interview, you'll
look like a complete pillock.

Will I? Oh, fair enough. You
should've told me earlier.

And one other thing... yeah?

If you like scotch... Oh, I like it.

Yeah, the decent stuff is
in Gus's office there.

Gus's? He'll join you later.
Rightio, thank you, Henry.

Good, that's sorted out. What's next?

Right, erm, two minutes, let's go.

Henry, this is just in,

the areas the Israelis refuse
to talk about the peace talks.

I guess just about everything
apart from football,

gardening and the weather? No,
no, gardening's in there.

Er, Sally, this is going
in after Cambodia.

It's a big protest about
the state of kashmir.

Well, absolutely. I bought this
cashmere cardigan the other day,

it was �250, and I mean the...

Thank you, Dave.

Ok? We still haven't
had Damien's report.

He says he's had a few problems,
but reckons we can go to him live.

Henry, Sally, all right?

No, you still haven't answered
why I can't do the sign-off.

Because you're a
brain-dead Barbie doll!

Microphone clicks good point, Sally,

we'll sort all that
out later, shall we?

George, some of the gay protesters
have broken into the building.

Oh, no, they're not in
the office, are they?

No, they're not in the office. Good.

Jesus! On in 50 seconds.

George, disaster! I know.

He's drinking my
30-year-old glenmorangie!

Gus! Oh, god! Where are security?

Locked themselves in reception,
didn't want to get involved.

We have to do something here.
30 seconds.

What do you suggest? Violence?

No, no, I won't sanction
the use of brute force.

George, one of them is
taking his clothes off.

Drag them out of there now!

Waugh: Hey, here we
are again, then, eh?

Just like birt and the BBC,

speaking biased bollocks
from nation unto nation.

Roll in 15.

You want a story? I'll
give you a story.

If we use the titles as an opening
shot, we might be all right.

"Minister's marriage is sham."

We can hold the titles for
a couple of seconds extra.

Hello, god. She wants
a divorce, the bitch.

Now, I'm not strictly a believer.

I'm not going to give her one.

No, haven't given her one for 20 years.

In fact, you haven't heard
from me in some time.

Roll titles. Don't cut
to Henry till I say.

But if you were thinking of a
little divine intercession,

now would be a very good time for me.

We have an arrangement, you see.

She drives me to drink, and
I drive her to Valium.

Right now! Go to him in ten.

Ten seconds, Henry. Right
now, this very moment.

Well, I'm not divorcing her,

even if the ee-bloody-c
make it compulsory!

Please! Cue Henry.

Good afternoon, here is
the one o'clock news.

'The headlines...' I think
we got away with it.

Wasn't there a foot...?

Waugh murmurs

get him out of here!

Hello! I didn't know
you were on the demo.

I haven't seen you since madame jojo's.

I never met the man.

I actually think we got away with it.

Where's waugh? Sleeping
it off in your office.

Oh, thank god for that.

Gus: Well-handled, George.

Just a word about our hostage coverage.

We mentioned Jesse Tanner's
four years and nine months

of captivity. Well, that
was correct, wasn't it?

Yes, but I noticed itn punched
home the drama with "1,730 days".

We can't be outdone here, George.

Well, maybe we should say 65,000 hours.

Or three million minutes.

Or six of Neil kinnock's speeches.

There's no need to be cynical.

Henry's on the recession report.
We go to Damien in one minute.

Well, well done, everyone,
we're nearly there.

Erm, George...

Oh, no!

..Earlier optimism,

hailing a surprisingly
small increase...

Damien! Go to Damien as
quick as you can! Go!

..That the recession was ending.

And now, for more on this,
we go live to Damien day.

While economists and politicians

argue whether the recession
is bottoming out,

here in Britain's high streets

bankruptcies are not only increasing,

but are becoming more visible.

As shops go broke and branches close,

there are now no longer
eager young tenants

waiting to take over.

Increasingly, premises like
this one are being boarded up.

How many more follow them

will chart the course
of this recession.

This is Damien day in west London.

And finally... 20 seconds to go.

Oh, what a nightmare. Sighs

Dave sighs

are the police here?

Yeah, they've caught all
the protesters except one.

Standby grams. I think we made it.

Thank you, god.

That's all the news
this lunchtime, and...

We'll be back at six o'clock.

Cue grams. Closing jingle

well, George, we pulled it off.

Thank you, everybody.

Well-coped, troops. Gus,
I demand an explanation!

We had a studio full of
drunks and troublemakers!

When I'm reading the news, I do not
want 15 stones of naked pervert

trying to handcuff himself to me.

No, she gets plenty of that at home.

Well done, everybody. George,
what the hell is going on?

She did my sign-off!
For goodness' sake.

Tell her she can't do it!
I always finish last!

That's not what it says on
the wall of the ladies'.

Waugh: Finally stumbled through, then?

Scoffs Christ! What a shambles.

No, we did not "stumble"!

We did a magnificent job in
bloody difficult circumstances!

Don't you get shirty with me!

I know what I've seen here,

and I'm now informing
the home secretary

of your lamentable security,
bias and rank amateurism.

Well, I must take issue with
you there, sir Nicholas.

Here at globelink news, we pride
ourselves on our tradition

of complete and utter professionalism.

Man: Oi!

What the hell was that?

What was what? That, you
must have seen that?

Seen what?

Well, that, that naked man.

I'm sorry? "That naked man?"

Oh.

Yes, I could...

I could swear I saw... I saw a na...

He had his...

Sighs

could someone send for my car, please?

Henry: So, George, anything
new on the financial front?

George: The banks have been
criticised for being insensitive

and high-handed.

So nothing new on the financial front.

Bloody banks. You know, they won't
lend me the 2,000 quid I need

to get a ticket for the
England-Scotland match.

�2,000 for a rugby ticket?

God, you could buy a
TV franchise for that.

Anyhow, what's the latest on
the big peace breakthrough

in the Middle East? The
Syrians are buying scuds,

there's fighting in south Lebanon,

and the Israelis are
machine-gunning a refugee camp.

Thank god they're not at war.

Now, where am I going
to get this money from?

Oh, it's depressing, isn't it? I
think we're in for a bloodbath.

Not if the referee keeps control.
Henry!

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