Original subtitles

And now, drop the dead donkey.

This episode was first shown in October '91,

in a week when us judge Clarence Thomas

answered charges of sexual harassment.

While back home, the itv franchises were awarded.

Right, now, our profile of John major's coming along nicely.

Lots of rather poignant stuff.

You know, about how it took him 28 years

to get from coldharbour lane to downing street.

He must use the Victoria line, then.

Now, what else is there? Ok, listen up, team!

Yes, Gus, actually, we... Yes, but this is vitally important.

Hardly anyone has signed up to play for the company baseball team.

Now, the charity tournament is this Wednesday,

and so far, only three people have put their names on this list.

Me, lord denning and daffy duck!

Actually, Gus, can...

We need a good turnout for two vital reasons.

One - the charity is a very worthwhile cause,

and two - my brother Julien will be fielding his company team,

and I want to give him a good...

Game.

So, who wants to play?

Right! Jamie, Angus, Brian, Keith, John, Dave...

Oh, no! ..Damien and George. Consider yourself volunteered.

I see. So there's no chance of me getting a game?

This won't be a game, Alex. It will be war.

And with respect, you can bet my brother Julien

won't have any girls in his team.

Yeah, girls are soppy.

Besides, Alex, we'll need you to look after the evening bulletin.

Why don't I do that? Then Alex could play.

You see, Gus, I've never been very good at sport.

I'd be useless. I can't even catch.

Nonsense, George!

I saw you catch Henry in that wine bar last month.

Ha-bloody-ha! Right, defence cuts.

Well, I'm against the army cuts, especially for the staffords.

I was their official pin-up during the Gulf war.

Sad, isn't it, what the desert does to men's minds?

Now, look, the government are getting a bit stroppy

about NHS coverage, so, erm, Damien, this story of yours...

Oh, the little girl waiting for the heart transplant.

Yes, she doesn't look too ill, does she?

She's waiting for a heart transplant. Course she looks ill.

Well, perhaps you could find someone who needs a more...

Well, minor organ.

George!

Well, just make sure she doesn't look too pretty.

Ok, Damien, go find an ugly oap who needs a wart removed, all right?

I've had a good look at your photocopier.

And what's the matter with it? It's crap!

Yes, thank you, joy (!)

Now, what exactly is the matter with it?

It's crap.

It's just too complicated.

It's got more moving parts than Tom Jones.

Everybody knows this model's a disaster.

What prat ordered this?

Gus: How's it going, team? Are we achieving megathrust?

Hey? That was him, wasn't it?

Well, just do the best you can with it, ok?

What are you doing?

Just adding Saddam Hussein to Gus's baseball team.

Well, it's all very well for you.

You haven't just been press-ganged into playing.

When it is? Oh, it's Wednesday, isn't it?

I'm off that night.

Yes, one of the trainees is reading the bulletin.

Yes, the pretty Indian one with the nice breasts.

I think you mean the university graduate

with a first-class honours degree and six a-levels.

And very nice breasts. Yes, that's the one.

I say!

I've heard a rather unsettling rumour over lunch at the club.

It seems our beloved proprietor, sir roysten merchant,

is lining up a merger with some American outfit

called Chicago amalgamated.

No, no, no, no. They're Japanese.

Yeah, they were taken over last year by nakigura incorporated,

but they kept the original name

because nakigura didn't want to stir up any anti-Japanese feeling.

I don't like the sound of that.

They might start interfering with our editorial policies.

And worse! You know what the japs are like.

They'll probably have us working a 28-hour day,

eating raw fish and building railways in our tea break.

Yes, well, it's easy to mock foreign cultures.

And great fun.

George! Can I borrow you for a quick debrief?

Oh, god. What does he want now?

Well, I'm very keen to support British fashion.

And you must accept that if I wear one your creations on screen,

it's a superb advertisement for you.

No. No, of course I'm not saying this arrangement should be free.

No, I'd want a small fee, obviously.

All I'm saying is, in our roundup of the money markets,

do we place enough emphasis on the economic vibrancy of Japan?

This wouldn't, by any chance,

have anything to do with nakigura incorporated?

You know about that?

Henry told me.

Yes, well, tell Henry to keep quiet.

It's very sensitive.

Sir roysten spent months on this deal.

If we did anything to jeopardise it, he'd have us disembowelled.

Our guts could be all over the carpet on this one, George.

Oh, god. Are you all right?

Yes.

Good. Well, get out there and kick butt, captain!

See you at the training session.

Anything breaking? No, not really.

Still a lot of confusion over pit bulls.

Apparently, the authorities are having a lot of problems

deciding whether or not someone's dog is a pit bull.

It's perfectly straightforward. If it's got short legs,

big square shoulders and an aggressive temperament,

then the dog it owns will be a pit bull.

Major news on the nobel peace prize. Really?

Yeah, they've given it to someone who deserves it.

After kissinger and begin,

my money was on either pol pot or Vinnie Jones.

Er, more on Clarence Thomas.

Oh, I'm sure he must have been innocent.

What makes you so certain?

Well, Teddy Kennedy was on the panel.

If Thomas had been this devious, ruthless, sex-obsessed bully,

then I'm sure a Kennedy would have spotted it.

And then there's the harvest in the Ukraine.

Oh, we've been through that before.

The average man in the street is not interested in the failure

of some harvest in the middle of Russia!

Ha! Talk about patronising!

He's only interested in a story if it hits him in the wallet.

Sorry, I just don't agree.

Engineer hums a tune

and a tenner says you're wrong.

Bill, would you describe yourself as an average man in the street?

Yeah. Right.

What do you think about the failure of the harvest in the Ukraine?

Do you think that's an important enough story to be on the news?

Oh, yeah, definitely.

If it causes the breakdown of the Soviet economy,

then the banks will have to write off her debts,

and that could lead to a collapse in the world economy.

Thank you very much.

And that would Jack up my mortgage.

Thank you very much.

I'm telling you, Alex, I'm really dreading this baseball thing.

I think it's because I had this really cruel games master

when I was at school.

My mum wrote him this letter asking could I be excused cricket

because I was allergic to the resin in the bats.

But he still made me play cricket.

He just used to sent me in without a bat.

So, that's agreed.

Oh, I'll be thrilled to wear one of your outfits.

I only ever wear Italian designs. Bye!

Er, Sally? You do know there are strict regulations

about being given clothes?

I'm not being given clothes, George.

I'm just borrowing them.

Indefinitely.

It's a perfectly standard arrangement.

I suggest next time you appear on right to reply,

you ask millets to provide you with a free outfit.

Millets?

She was insulting you, George. Oh...

George, I just thought you ought to know, sir roysten's a bit upset.

It looks like his franchise bid's been turned down

on the grounds of quality.

Incredible (!)

A man whose Italian cable station

runs a celebrity quiz show called whose orgasm?,

a nude phone-in and a wobbly-buttocks competition.

Oh, Henry, by the way,

Gus asked if you could not spread this nakigura thing around.

Only, well, er, negotiations are underway,

and, well, you know how the Japanese

like everything kept secret until it happens.

Oh, yes. You mean like pearl Harbour.

Now, listen, Henry...

Ok, George! Ok, don't wet your knickers!

I understand the need for discretion.

I'll make sure the news doesn't spread. All right?

Good.

Listen, everyone!

All that stuff I told you

about sir roysten sucking up to the yellow peril

is confidential! Right?

All: Right.

Ok.

So there I am, in my room in the Baghdad Hilton

when this cruise missile sails past

about, ooh, six yards away from the window.

Calmly turns right, round the back of the hotel.

Wallop! Straight into this telecommunications tower.

God, if I hear that story one more time...

You should hear it when he's pissed.

The intelligent missile passes six inches from his window.

And when he's really pissed, the missile comes in his window,

asks him directions, destroys the telecommunication tower

and takes him out for a drink.

Ok, squad! Come along.

Now, sadly, Keith's gone down with a bug,

so Scott here will be turning out for us in the tournament tomorrow.

And he'll be showing us some useful batting techniques

he picked up playing minor-league baseball in the states.

Now, I suggest we start with, er, George.

Ok? Come on.

Gus, aren't all our players meant to be employees of the company?

Correct, George. Meet your new research assistant.

Ok, George...

Look, I've never hit a ball in my life.

Just relax, George. Concentrate on making contact.

I'll throw you a nice, easy pitch.

Oh, my god!

Scott! Scott!

It's all right. You take your time getting up.

He can't get up. He's unconscious.

No, he's just... He's just resting.

He's fine. Look, Scott's going to be fine!

So, how's Scott?

Hairline fracture. Poor George.

Yeah. He's in Gus's office now, trying to wriggle out of playing.

All the clever money's on some sort of feigned injury.

I think it's a hamstring.

I felt it go as I got off the tube.

It's an old injury, actually.

I'd be no loss. I can't even hit a ball.

You hit the ball that hospitalised our best player,

so you're damn well playing!

And another thing.

I've had sir roysten melting my phone this morning.

Apparently, some financial journalist,

who just happens to be Henry's ex-brother-in-law,

has done a piece on the nakigura deal.

We're in an ongoing testicles-in-the-blender situation.

Do I make myself clear?

Yes, Gus.

Bill, bill. We've got another one for you.

As our resident mr average,

do you think an item on soil erosion in Bolivia

is something you'd find interesting?

Or do you think you'd just find it

excruciatingly, mind-numbingly boring and dull?

Well, let's be honest, Bolivia is a hell of a long way away.

Soil erosion is pretty dull. Yes!

But, on the other hand, you are guaranteed footage of landslides

sweeping mud huts away,

and I always find that sort of stuff pretty exciting.

60 quid I've lost on him in half an hour. 60 quid!

He seems a bit upset.

Yes, he does a bit. Still, he'll get over it. Yeah.

50-50 we said, didn't we? Yeah.

Right, now, the NHS is still rumbling on.

We can expect more clashes between cook and waldegrave.

Now, can anyone think of a new angle we haven't covered?

Well, yeah. You see, I think it's a very interesting fact

that if you painted Robin cook green,

he'd look like the mekon out of Dan dare.

Do you know what I mean?

Yes. Let's get on, shall we? Phone rings

yep?

Uh-huh.

Tough!

Who was that?

Just some Tory official complaining we're biased.

Thank you for handling that, joy (!)

Ok, all right.

Well done. We've made it through to the final.

But this, this is the big one.

The showdown against my smartarse brother.

Henry: So I said to Saddam,

"Saddam," I said, "the game is up, mate."

I want this team humiliated.

I wanna make my brother grovel.

Rub his face in... Julien!

My brother Julien, everybody.

Psyching up your boys, eh, Gus?

Oh, you know, it's only a game, isn't it?

Well, I came to say good luck, little brother.

May the best team win.

Ok, Jules. Thank you.

I want that man's team wiped off the face of this planet!

But he seems like rather a very nice bloke.

Very easy-going.

Well, I'd be easy-going if I had his advantages in life!

Favourite son, you see.

Best school, best university...

Best bike!

Now, get out there and win! Come on, let's crucify them!

Let's go out there and be winners! Oh, don't you start.

Listen, I don't know the meaning of the word "lose".

There's lots of words you don't know the meaning of.

"Truth". "Taste". Now, watch it...

All right, all right. Save this for the battlefield.

Now, it's time for the team roar.

George! Oh, must I?

Ok, tigers! All: Yeah!

Ooh-rah!

Henry, have you noticed the blonde girl?

The Venus in the tight jeans? Indeed I have.

Yeah, well, she just happens to be the girlfriend

of our opponents' star batter.

If you know what I mean?

Anything breaking? Not really.

What about yugoslavia?

Oh, very quiet. Only six ceasefires so far today.

And the commonwealth conference? What's major saying there?

He wants the south Africans brought back into world cricket. Criminal!

I know. Their human rights record...

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Where's the England team gonna get their players from?

Phone rings

Alex pate.

Oh, hi, George. How's it going?

Oh, well, no, nothing much...

What's that roaring I can hear?

George!

For god's sake!

Sorry.

Laughter

excuse me.

Only you're putting me off.

Oh, I'm dreadfully sorry, dear boy.

Laughter strike one!

Ok, so we'll put the queen in Zimbabwe in at sixth item.

God, are people really interested in royal stories?

Of course they are!

Bill, as our resident average viewer, what do you think?

Do you want to see items about the royals?

Oh, yeah.

For instance, I enjoy watching prince Charles on the telly.

Really? Yeah.

So I can shout "go talk to the daisies, you big mad German!"

Or, er...

Or "get a proper job, you bald crank!"

No, no, royal stories are good.

Strike two!

Henry: Here, have a little more champagne, Barbara.

Barbara: Thank you. Henry: Here you are.

Laughter

I've got a lot more where that comes from.

Look, for the last time, you're distracting me.

And that's happens to be my girlfriend you're chatting up. Ok?

So pack it in!

Rather a neurotic little plonker, isn't he?

You bigheaded bastard!

So it's quite a big oil spill, is it?

Uh-huh.

Well, have you got good pictures?

Oil-soaked whelks.

No, I don't think so, somehow.

I'm not sure. Joy, is this me?

No, this is you. That's a dress.

Easy to get confused, isn't it?

So, part two, ec regulations...

Boring.

City technical college report...

Boring.

Gerald Kaufman...

Smug and boring.

Peace talks in the Middle East...

Ah, now, the middle east needs covering.

Yes? In concrete.

They're stroppy buggers, always causing trouble.

Oh, bad luck, Jules.

Your star batter carted off to hospital with a broken wrist.

Still, he brought it on himself.

Assaulting a spectator like that.

Well, I do feel your man provoked him a bit.

Fair point.

Henry! I don't want any more backchat, ok?

And I certainly don't want you

chatting up the girlfriend of their star pitcher.

Is that clear?

Oh, hi, Alex. Is everything ok?

Er, yeah. Not much breaking.

Oh, but there's been this big oil spill off Peru.

A tanker's been holed.

Yes, accusations of negligence against... eagle oil, the owners.

Well, no, but Tom eventually got hold of some decent pictures

of a dying seal.

No, nothing else.

Yep, yep. Ok, bye.

Some reactions to lwt keeping its franchise.

Oh, I'm pleased about that.

That means beadle's about stays on the air.

You're a fan?

Oh, no.

But as long as it keeps going

there's always a chance that one of his victims will snap

and club him to death with his own microphone.

Watch out, beadle's a stiff.

Dave: Any stories breaking?

One. Big oil spill.

Tanker belonging to eagle oil.

They're Canadian, aren't they? No, not any more.

Nakigura incorporated bought them six months ago.

Really? Hm!

Erm, Gus?

What is it, George? I'm preparing myself mentally.

It's just that Alex has phoned in with this story,

and I'm wondering whether we should...

George, you're the editor! Is it important?

Well, yes, but... Is it a good story?

Well, I suppose so... are the pictures any good?

Oh, yes. Then run it, George!

Now, leave me alone.

Right, that's fixed.

Should be all right for, oh, at least at couple of hours.

So, bill, you're our average bloke.

Do you like this?

Well, to be honest, the neckline's a little fussy,

and the cut's very inferior. Well, it is on all these, you see.

And I know they're very popular,

but I find these slightly artificial colours very dull.

Oh, and padded shoulders. Dear, oh dear!

Ok, men!

The bases are loaded!

Hey, it's a 3-2 pitch! Two men out!

It all hangs on this ball!

Now, let's go for it!

Music: 'Chariots of fire' by vangelis

George's inner monologue: 'Oh, my god, it's coming this way.

'I knew this would happen.

'I'll never catch this.

'All the kids at school used to call me wank hands.

'No, come on, George, concentrate! You can do it!'

Damien mouths

'I'm gonna catch this. I'm actually going to catch this ball!'

sorry!

Wank hands!

I bent my finger back.

Bruised the nail.

I couldn't see properly. My eyes were all puffy.

I think I'm allergic to the resin in these bats.

You cost us the game, George!

You handed it on a plate to my stuck-up git of a brother!

All right, all right. Calm down now.

Come on, after all, it wasn't just George's dropped catch

that cost us the game. Exactly.

No, it was his wild throw in the second inning,

his falling over in the fourth,

and forgetting to run in the sixth!

Why don't you lot just grow up, huh?

It's just like being back at school,

when all the kids who were good at games picked on the wimpy ones.

Do you know what they did to me once?

They strung me up from the ceiling in just my underpants!

This whole thing's been... horrid.

Mobile phone rings

hello.

Sir royston. No, I haven't seen the six o'clock bulletin yet, but...

An oil tanker?

Dying seals?

Oh, yes. I see.

Henry whistles

oh, god!

The whole afternoon's been a bit of a disaster, isn't it?

I don't know. I got a date with that batsman's girlfriend.

Barbara: Henry! Coming, Barbara!

I fixed it up while he was writhing around on the floor

screaming about his hand.

Coming for a bevvy? Yeah, I'll just get my things.

I've just come out of the toilets

and someone has broken into the durex machine.

Yeah, that'll be Henry. I'll see you up the pub.

George: Dave!

Yes, coming, George! What is it? We're on our way to the...

Oh, George...

Sally: I just thought it was very unprofessional.

All the way through the item on TV-am losing its franchise,

you were definitely smirking.

Henry: Oh, no, I was terribly sorry to see those...

He chuckles

..hard-working professionals... stifled laughter

oh, very amusing (!) Now, what's this?

Oh, storm-force winds flattening people's houses.

Oh, that's mostly in the north. Hardly worth mentioning.

What else? Oh, rise in unemployment.

Mostly in the north. Hardly worth mentioning.

Well, yes. I do feel the effects of unemployment

are greatly exaggerated.

Tell that to TV-am! He guffaws

it's like working in kindergarten!

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