Original subtitles

Man: And now...

This episode was first shown in October, '91,

when bernhard langer's missed putt lost the ryder cup

and John Major finally decided against an autumn election.

Now, let's see... yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Who's Henry talking to? Tory central office.

He laughs Jeremy beadle in a blender!

Very good, yeah. Oh, I know, bloody German.

Yes, my granny could have sunk that putt and she's dead.

Yeah, yeah. Anyway, John, yeah, nice to speak to you.

Cheers, yeah. See you at the annual piss up.

No election in November.

Told ya! Oh, after all that.

God, what a ditherer major is.

Half the time he can't even make up his mind whether to dither or not.

Absolutely. The man's all foreplay and no orgasm.

Yes, if we could move on. What else is there?

Well, the Tory party are stressing they give nothing in return

to all these big businessmen who donate them money.

That's not true. They're building more comfortable prisons.

Now, the labour party conference,

anyone know what kinnock's speech is going to be like?

Yes, it'll be both... geordie accent: Rambling and repetitive,

both tiresome and tedious, both pinky and perky...

Thank you, Damien. Thank you. Anything else?

Oh, yes. Listen, I would like to remind everybody

that there is a union meeting at 11:00 on Wednesday

to discuss the next pay round.

Now, the technicians

have just been intimidated into accepting a pay freeze,

so it's important that we all stand together on this one. Yes?

All: Yes!

Yes, well, don't include me in your conspiracy, Alex.

I negotiate my own contract. Or rather my agent does.

Yes, look, could we... in fact, I've got a new agent.

She says I could be a major star in the us.

Yes, they've never really found a successor to Lassie, have they?

Can we get a move on, please?

If I may, George, as you all know... all: I'm not here.

Office humour, it's good to see.

And all I wanted to add to my frontline general's briefing

was three little letters.

CNN.

Groans now, CNN have been outperforming us.

So, let's outperform them back.

Let's get our dead yugoslavs on the screen before theirs.

Ok? Terrific.

A little bit tasteless, wasn't it?

All right, meeting over, everybody.

Ah, hello there. Everything all right?

Good.

Who's that spook with the clipboard? Oh, his name's Trevor.

Gus says he's here to research into office efficiency.

Oh! What's the matter?

I think my irritable bowel syndrome's

turning into really angry bowel syndrome.

He sighs

Deborah's headmaster rang me again on Friday.

Says her behaviour is coming anti-social and disruptive.

I'm very worried about her.

Last week, she dissected a rabbit in biology.

So? The rabbit wasn't dead.

Oh, my god.

I don't know what makes her so cruel.

Margaret says it's... banging

what is all that banging going on?

I don't believe this.

This machine's never working.

What's the matter with it? It's crap.

Yes, thank you.

Perhaps you could use the photocopier on the floor upstairs?

Terrific, marvellous, yes,

I can spend the whole day climbing up stairs.

I am Chris bonington, after all (!)

It's flashing up one of those little symbols.

What does that one mean? I don't know.

Looks like a bolt of lightning striking a pair of testicles.

Oh, that'll be what's wrong with it, then, obviously.

It's testicles are being struck by lightning (!)

Call an engineer. I'll see if I can fix...

We'll call an engineer. George, it's all right.

Will you just leave things as they...

Hey, it's marked confidential. Yes.

Looks like a page from a report

with some notes scribbled on it in Gus's handwriting.

If it's marked confidential, you shouldn't be reading it.

I'll, er... I'll give it back to Gus.

It's all right, I didn't read it. I just glanced at it, you know.

I only caught a couple of words. Really?

Now, let's have a look at this, shall we?

Rationalisation was one.

The service number's on here somewhere.

Redundancies was another one.

And next to that was the word imminent.

In my office!

Alex, got film of London underground's

latest emergency exercise.

They've staged a major disaster.

They needed to stage a major disaster?

Oh, George, TV times have been on the phone,

they want Sally to do a piece on her favourite recipe.

And so I told them that Sally ate children lightly sauteed,

with a sprig of Rosemary (!)

Mm.

And then I said that Henry was a sexual pervert

who buggers budgerigars (!)

Oh, right, well done.

What are you looking at?

What are you doing in here?

Me and my friend are taking part in be a nosy git week.

"To achieve financial viability,

"it will be necessary to trim the editorial staff by 40%."

40%?!

"Cuts will have to be radical and swift..."

I wonder which of us is for the chop.

"Staff over 50 must be forced to take voluntary early retirement."

Don't be silly, that doesn't apply to me.

"This especially applies to newsreaders,

"who should be replaced by younger personnel on smaller salaries."

Right, everybody down into the shelter.

Isn't that bloody typical?

They want to replace me with a colourless, prepubescent dullard.

It's a spirit of the age.

I blame... John Major.

How did he become pm, for god's sake?!

The man's a bloody hologram!

But he's young!

Dull as an amoeba's arsehole, but he's young!

Hallelujah!

Sorry to interrupt, but it sounded as though

Henry was about to have a coronary, and I didn't want to miss it.

See what I mean? An amoeba's arsehole, but young.

Yes, all right. Makes me want to puke!

Phone rings yes?

This glorification of the inexperienced and the inane.

Anyone who's not young, stupid, thin and vapid is nobody these days!

All right, back to work, everyone, it's only Henry.

You don't know what it's like to be considered an archaeological site!

It's a bloody disgrace...

George, thanks. I, um... I just wanted a quick word with you.

Yes, well, funnily enough, Gus, I wanted a quick word with you.

We know about the plan for 40% redundancies.

You left a page from your report in the photocopier.

That report was confidential, George.

Who took it? Damien.

And then he told me what was in it and now everybody knows.

Ah. Does that include Henry?

If they think they're gonna replace me with some young wanker,

who's still not properly trained, they can bloody well think again!

I see.

Well, of course, it's regrettable it should have to come out like this.

But we are in deep financial trouble.

Especially after we opened that high interest account with bcci.

Look, George, I can show you the figures.

..And Jeremy Paxman and Nicholas witchell, all of them...

Andrea, the yellow file... still waiting for their goolies to drop.

But they're young! Young! Young!

Here you are, George.

The plain truth is, the last few years

have seen a succession of expensive international stories.

In fact, the liberation of eastern Europe

was just about the worst thing that could have happened to us.

And then, of course, there was the war on the Gulf.

Yes, well, let's hope Saddam Hussein invades

somewhere closer next time (!)

Yes, well, quite.

What was it you wanted to talk to me about, actually?

Oh, yes. Sir royston was wondering

just how interested the average viewer is

in exactly which firm supplied plutonium to the Iraqis.

Well, it was all German firms, wasn't it?

Of course it was.

Yes, absolutely. All Germans.

Let's, um, stress that. Phone rings

yes?

It's for you, George. Headmaster of north ealing high.

Deborah's school.

Hello, mr dempsey.

Oh. I see.

Well, a lot of girls that age fight in the playground, it's all...

Pickaxe handle? Yes, I see.

I'll come and see you. Yes. Tomorrow.

Yes. Bye-bye, mr dempsey.

Another challenge for you to rise to, hey?

You lucky man. And here's one more.

Breaking the news...

Of our desperate financial plight to the staff,

in your inimitable, dynamic way.

Desperate financial plight.

Well, that's who Trevor is, then.

Sir royston's hit man.

Yeah, he's got a lean and hungry look, hasn't he?

Bit like a cheetah on the lookout for a limping wildebeest.

Mm. Yeah.

What are you looking at me like that for?

Perhaps we could avoid some of these lay-offs

by waiving this year's pay rise.

What? What?

In return for a guarantee of no job losses.

Actually, I think that's a very mature and responsible idea, George.

It's a pathetic idea.

You're both just worried you're in the 40%.

Look, why don't you face facts? Jobs have to go,

so that we can concentrate the money on the people that matter.

The on-screen talent.

You might get the elbow.

Oh, please. Get serious.

That'd be like england axing Gary lineker.

I'll catch you later, proles. George.

Oh, more on these weekend polls that say John Major is regarded as sexy.

George, believe me, John Major is about as sexy as a sheet of formica.

I don't know, he's quite a racy dresser, isn't he?

Hey, Dave. Have you thought of running a book

on who's gonna get the chop?

Yeah, ok.

Right, in that case,

I'd like to place an accumulator on you, George and Henry.

Henry, listen, I'd like to talk you through...

Are you ok?

Not quite, dear girl, no.

I've been sitting here for some time now and I am unable to stand up.

I don't believe it, pissed at 10:45. Even by your standards...

I can assure you I'm frighteningly sober.

Just these stupid legs.

I was reviewing this rather gruesome report I did from Baghdad

during the bombing, when they just went.

I've had it before.

My quack says it's a trauma-related thing, going back to Korea in '54,

when a shell hit the place I was staying and I...

Spent a rather boring ten hours in the rubble

with my legs trapped under my bed.

I did know about this. A shell hit your hotel?

No, it was a brothel, actually.

I can safely say that the earth definitely moved for me that time.

Ah, these stupid, poxy legs!

Listen, I'll go and get somebody to telephone...

No, no, no, I don't want Gus to know.

Give him the perfect excuse.

It would look like I was clapped out, past it.

Look, Henry, I can't leave you here like this.

Water quality's a big issue today. Mm.

Well, perhaps if we get

a sample of really polluted, infected drinking water

and then ask heseltine to drink it? What point would that make?

I don't know, I just thought it might make him really ill.

Isn't that good enough?

George, problem. Henry's in the edit suite and he can't move his legs.

Oh, I don't believe it. Pissed at ten to 11.

Even by his standards...

No, it's some sort of post-traumatic thing, apparently.

Oh, that. Yes. Korea.

Must've been a dreadful experience.

Even to this day, he says he can't walk past a brothel without shaking.

He can't walk past a brothel?

Look, we've got to get him home. But he doesn't want Gus...

I get something very similar, actually. My shoulder goes numb.

George... dates from this trauma I had

when I fell off my tricycle. George!

That's right, sir royston,

we must focus on the labour defence debate in a way that's responsible.

Lots of shots of Tony benn looking like a loony.

Absolutely. I'll pass that on, sir royston.

George. George, I've just...

What the hell is going on?

Um, it's the annual guess how heavy Henry is competition.

Put me down for 12 stone, three, Alex, would you?

Right.

I bet they don't do this at CNN.

Oh, morning, George.

Morning. Another day, another dollar.

Yes. It's bucketing down out there, isn't it? Yeah.

Any more news on who's in the frame for these redundancies?

Er, no.

Are you worried? No, no, no.

I mean, I think I'm safe, frankly.

No, I really don't think I'm in any danger.

Right, yeah, course. Um...

What are you doing in at 7:30?

I just thought I might get a bit of an early start,

you know, get a bit done. What are you doing in?

Oh, much the same, really, much the same,

just thought I'd get in a bit earlier.

Get more done when you've the place to yourself, can't you?

True. True.

Morning, Trevor.

Are you all right now, Henry?

I was so sad when you had to go home yesterday.

Laryngitis, wasn't it?

Er, yes. A lot of it about.

And, of course, the older you are, the lower your resistance is.

All right, gather round, everyone.

Would you like this blanket? Only, it's important you keep warm.

That trainee who stood in for Henry was good, wasn't she?

Denise? Mm. Yeah, she was very good.

Yes, and the camera certainly likes her.

Yes, what did you think of her, Sally?

I thought she was very confident.

She doesn't seem to be at all self-conscious about that nose.

Right, everyone. We proposed waiving this year's pay rise...

But Gus won't guarantee no redundancies,

unless we accept a pay cut of 5%.

I think you should accept,

otherwise you'll all be in danger of losing your jobs.

Yes, well, Dave has straw polled the office

and they won't take a cut, unless it's applied to everyone.

Well, of course it should be applied to everyone.

Everyone includes you, Sally.

Oh, that's very droll.

As a responsible team player, I am prepared to consider taking a cut.

Yes, well, you would say that, mr no legs.

Professionally, some of us are on the way up the hill,

not plummeting down the other side. Hear, hear.

We shouldn't even countenance this, they are just trying to frighten us.

Alex is right. Thank you, joy.

Management are crap.

Yes, thank you, joy, that's not quite...

I don't think we have an alternative.

It is the pay cut or job losses.

They are bluffing and we are playing right into their hands.

We can't let them do this. Come on, there's a principle involved here.

We should all just stand together and refused to be intimidated.

Chatter Trevor's coming back from his lunch!

What the hell is that?

It's a brochure about residential sheltered housing.

I thought you might be interested.

The flats look very nice

and there's always someone on hand for if you fall over anything.

CNN slash staff and boost profit.

God, if he mentions CNN one more...

Hello there, Trevor. How are you? Lovely day, isn't it?

It was beautiful as I ran into work this morning.

It made six miles of jogging just fly by.

Fan mail. Ah.

Well, who's that lot for?

Denise, the trainee.

Surprised, Sally?

No, not really. There'll always be men

who are attracted to that slightly tarty look.

Would you excuse me?

This is just in, George. More on yugoslavia.

Hand-to-hand fighting, heavy casualties, mindless violence.

Which reminds me, how's it going with your daughter?

I had rather a gloomy meeting with her headmaster.

I never realised she was so unpopular with her classmates.

I mean, there can't be many 13-year-old school girls

whose nickname is doctor Mengele.

As if I haven't got enough on my plate here.

It's all this uncertainty that's getting to me.

Yeah, not knowing who's for the big e.

Yes, well, I might be able to help you there.

And win my bet at the same time.

Are you hacking into Gus's computer? Yep.

Now, what do you think this week's password will be?

Both: CNN.

Yep. File for redundancies.

Ta-da! Hey, it's the hit list.

Let's see which turkeys are for the chop.

Oh, George and Henry.

See, looks like I'm gonna win my bet.

It's just as I predicted, it's...

I see lineker's been axed.

That's ludicrous.

Look, this is all your fault, George!

You wouldn't let me cover the Gulf war properly

because you wouldn't keep me on the front line.

Damien, the army insisted we withdraw you.

They caught you trying to bribe an infantry unit

into starting the land war four days early.

In light of that, maybe it's not so surprising that you're on this list.

And so are you, Alex.

What?

Well, that is ludicrous.

I mean, I do the work of two people here.

Yeah. Well, I think the important thing is to reject this pay cut

and simply refuse to be intimidated.

After all, Alex, there is a principle involved.

Be a broken nose involved in a minute.

I think it's obvious, we're going to have to accept this pay cut.

Yeah, well, I'm not.

I could walk into a job in any newsroom.

I don't think so, dear boy, most news companies

already have a prepubescent, pushy little prick on their payroll.

Well, we'll just see, shall we, ironside?

Right. Well, you'll all be pleased to hear that

Alex has had a change of heart

and decided to accept the plan for pay cuts.

Isn't that right, Alex?

Yes. Yeah?

Yes. I think that...

Pragmatism is possibly the best course.

Welcome to invertebrates anonymous.

Let's get on, shall we?

Now, just a reminder from Gus,

northern Ireland, we mustn't call it a civil war,

the correct term is the troubles.

It's a bit inflammatory, though, isn't it, the troubles?

What about the tiffs? Oh, yes, I like that.

The tiffs. The tiffs in northern Ireland intensified today

when four people were shot dead

in a further outbreak of sectarian grumpiness.

Troubles. Troubles.

What do they think 2,000 people have died from? Stress?

What did Deborah's headmaster want, George?

He wanted to suspend her.

Says he's fed up with her general behaviour.

You know, the disobedience, truancy, arson.

Oh, I don't know.

So, Damien, what's the new job, then?

Director general of the BBC? King of england (?)

You know, Dave, I just couldn't leave the old place.

It's... it's part of me.

Oh, so what if the pay's not great? There are more important things.

Job satisfaction, being able to express yourself creatively.

Well, most importantly, being surrounded by my mates.

So, no jobs going? No, I rang everywhere.

Hear that, Sally?

Yes, but quality newsreaders will always be in demand.

You don't need any special skills to read off an autocue.

You could have a robot presenting the news.

We've got a robot presenting the news (!)

All right, stormtroopers, have we spanked CNN's butt today? I hope so.

You bet.

Back in two, just off to lunch with sir royston and Denise,

our star newsreader of tomorrow. Ciao.

Are you all right, Sally?

Seem to have bitten the end off your lipstick.

I see Sally's caved in. How can you tell?

All the others are jeering and pointing at her.

Oh, yes.

Handy having that bright trainee to frighten her with. Yes.

Can't imagine using her much, though.

Well, not with that nose. Oh.

Well, this is all very satisfactory.

And you played a very important role.

You provided a thorough analysis of our operation's efficiency

and, more important than that, you scared them all shitless.

Thank you. And, if I may say so,

accidentally leaving that document in the photocopier

was a masterstroke.

Yes, I was rather pleased with that myself.

Oh, here comes the delegation.

Hello, team. What can I do for you?

Well, I am pleased to say we're agreed

that all the staff should take a pay cut.

Brilliant. Now, that is the kind of team spirit

I'm sure they'd envy at CNN.

Well, I must say, it is admirable

that you're prepared to share in the sacrifice.

I'm sorry, you've lost me.

Well, the team... does include you, obviously.

Ah, yes, but you see, you're staff.

And I'm more, sort of, overview, hands-off management type unit.

So, I'm not sure that tinkering with my wage structure

is a very good idea.

Well, sir royston thought it was. What?

Well, we took the liberty of ringing him.

He said it was marvellous

to see one of his executives taking such a positive lead.

He said it was just the sort of thing that would happen at CNN.

Absolutely.

So, that's agreed, then?

Oh, yes, splendid. Terrific.

Well done. Marvellous. Yes, jolly good. Thank you, George.

Please. Well done. Marvellous. Fantastic.

What a bunch of scheming bastards, hey?

Well, I don't mind telling you

it feels pretty good to have outmanoeuvred Gus for once.

I ran rings round him.

Didn't know what hit him over this pay thing.

Now, let's get this straight, no-one is gonna be fired now?

That's right.

Thank god for that, I can take this stupid corset off.

Yes, I think Gus has taken a bit of a trouncing.

My irritable bowel has shut up,

I can feel my luck changing.

Where's Damien?

He's out on a story.

School in north ealing's been set on fire by one of its pupils.

Alex... yes?

.. I can't move my legs.

Dave: Feeling better, George?

George: Well, my legs are ok now, but I'm worried.

I've been taking these sleeping pills they've withdrawn.

I'm sure they're here somewhere.

These? Rattles bottle

no. These small pink ones, maybe?

No, those are for my nerves. George...

You see, the sleeping pills would explain

my bouts of short-term memory loss.

You wouldn't believe this, but yesterday,

I actually couldn't remember the name of the prime minister.

We all do that. People in the cabinet probably do it.

Now, George, the dpp has resigned over alleged curb-crawling.

Probably can't decide whether to press charges against himself.

Oh, and there's these rumours

that Thatcher's been offered the title of hereditary countess.

Does that make mark Thatcher a count?

Nearly right, George. By the way, sir royston rang.

He had a few questions about your labour conference coverage.

Dave, could you pass me those small pink pills?

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