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And now...
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This episode was first
shown in September 1991,
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00:00:06,240 --> 00:00:09,319
in a week when hostage
Jackie Mann returned home,
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00:00:09,320 --> 00:00:12,400
and the west threatened
to resume war with Iraq.
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00:00:49,160 --> 00:00:52,719
Now, then, there's more speculation
about the election date.
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Oh, god, not again!
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Please, George, this is a non-story.
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Well, we've got to cover it somehow.
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How about this?
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"Bong. November considered more likely
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"since John Major seen
disembowelling a chicken."
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00:01:06,000 --> 00:01:08,519
"Bong. 28 more opinion polls show
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"if labour had a naked Kim
basinger as its leader,
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"they would be ahead by 14 points."
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Thank you, Henry (!)
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Well, maybe we should do something
on all these polls that show
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the people won't vote for kinnock
because he's regarded as a windbag.
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Has kinnock responded?
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Er, yeah, we got a statement from him.
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Very funny, David (!)
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Morning, newsbusters. Are we
on turbo thrust? I hope so.
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Now, I'd like to play you all this
vhs that I recorded at the weekend.
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Actually, Gus...
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I think it might prove
very educational.
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Welcome back. Last week, this book,
a Gulf of understanding, came out,
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severely criticising
British television's
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news coverage of the Gulf war.
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With me in the studio to
answer some of the criticisms
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is the news editor of
globelink, George dent.
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Mr dent. "Sloppy,
ill-informed, sensationalist,
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"biased, irrelevant and hopelessly
lacking in objectivity."
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These are just some of
the words this book uses
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to describe your news coverage.
What's your reaction to that?
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00:02:12,240 --> 00:02:14,359
As you know, Emma,
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news coverage is a difficult business.
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So you're saying low
standards are inevitable?
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Well, no. Er...
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To be specific, this
book mentions the hours
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where no news was available,
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which you filled with "idle
speculation and waffle".
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00:02:31,160 --> 00:02:32,999
I think that's... yes.
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It's true, there is a danger
in too much speculation
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and, obviously, we were
careful to avoid that.
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I understand globelink employed
five different generals
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over the Gulf war period.
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Obviously, we're not saying
our coverage was perfect.
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There were mistakes.
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So, presumably, you've started an
inquiry into your Gulf coverage?
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Yes.
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00:02:56,680 --> 00:03:00,399
Yes, one is going to be
carried out quite soon.
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And I assume its findings
will be made public?
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Yes.
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Yes, of course.
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Thank you, mr dent. And we'll
look forward to that report.
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I think George could have been
spared that, don't you, Gus?
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Why the hell did you agree
to an inquiry like that?
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Yes, chief, you did seem to let
a few scuds past your patriots.
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00:03:26,440 --> 00:03:29,839
Well, it wasn't my fault! She was
all chatty before the interview.
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Then she suddenly came at me with
all these difficult questions.
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Difficult questions? Nonsense.
That was sissy stuff.
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I'd have humiliated you, George.
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She did humiliate him.
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I suppose she did all
right for a popsy.
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At least it wasn't one of those
downy-cheeked adolescent smoothies.
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God, Paxman, suchet!
When I was their age,
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I was spending three
days hiding in a brothel
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playing catch with live hand grenades
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and drinking vintage champagne from
a vietnamese belly dancer's navel.
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00:03:55,040 --> 00:03:57,559
Yes, well, not everybody
had the Vietnam war...
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This wasn't Vietnam. This was
a stag party in catford.
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00:04:01,360 --> 00:04:02,680
Amazing!
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It's amazing, some of the things she
could pick up using only her...
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00:04:06,960 --> 00:04:09,239
I don't think we want to know. I do!
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00:04:09,240 --> 00:04:11,199
Amazing, some of the
things I picked up.
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Thank god for Alexander Fleming, eh?
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Thank you, Henry (!)
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I did my best during that interview.
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Well, I think announcing an inquiry
is an excellent idea. Do you?
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Certainly! Provided, of
course, we don't hold one.
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Especially with the prospect of
our boys going back to the Gulf.
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00:04:24,960 --> 00:04:27,199
But I promised publicly
to announce the results.
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00:04:27,200 --> 00:04:30,239
But what is there to examine
about the Gulf war coverage?
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For a start, the way reporters
living with troops became partisan.
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That's a load of ratners.
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00:04:36,040 --> 00:04:38,919
I feel an inquiry would be... An
option well worth considering.
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00:04:38,920 --> 00:04:43,160
I agree, George. Yes! You
have a good mull. Terrific.
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00:04:44,760 --> 00:04:48,639
Ah, running orders. Thank you, joy.
That's very kind of you.
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00:04:48,640 --> 00:04:50,999
No, it isn't, it's what
I'm underpaid to do.
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00:04:51,000 --> 00:04:53,320
So please don't make it
worse by patronising me.
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00:04:54,480 --> 00:04:56,479
Oh, George, we should
do something on this.
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00:04:56,480 --> 00:04:58,519
Heseltine's reporting
back on the government's
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00:04:58,520 --> 00:04:59,719
environmental successes.
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00:04:59,720 --> 00:05:01,959
Right. How long should
we allow for that?
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Both: Five seconds?
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00:05:03,720 --> 00:05:05,479
Well, according to
that party political,
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00:05:05,480 --> 00:05:07,159
we've got the cleanest water in Europe.
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00:05:07,160 --> 00:05:09,599
That's because we've got
the most detergent in it.
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00:05:09,600 --> 00:05:11,839
You should deal with this, Dave.
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Dave? Here we go.
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Sally's on TV-am, plugging
her new book. Yes!
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Well, it's funny you should ask that,
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cos I actually got the
idea for the book
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during a conversation
with princess Diana.
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All groan
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hello, I'm ringing to complain
about TV-am giving airtime
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to that repulsive Sally smedley.
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I do not pay my licence
fee in order to listen
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to some jumped-up fifth-rate newsreader
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trying to sell me her book.
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I have two children, and
when Sally smedley came on,
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one of them was sick and remained
distressed the rest of the evening!
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Afternoon, everyone!
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Good afternoon, dostoevsky (!)
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Ah, just because your
biography's been turned down
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by nine different publishers.
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Only on legal grounds.
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Once princess Margaret dies,
there'll be no problem.
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Did you enjoy simpering on those sofas?
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00:06:02,320 --> 00:06:05,879
It is very interesting, actually.
Yes, I was particularly interested
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00:06:05,880 --> 00:06:08,279
when they asked if you'd
employed a ghost-writer.
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00:06:08,280 --> 00:06:10,799
Well, it's very easy to snipe, Alex.
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00:06:10,800 --> 00:06:12,719
I don't suppose you've
even read my book.
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00:06:12,720 --> 00:06:15,320
No, I haven't, Sally. Have you?
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Oh, another ultimatum from bush.
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Yes, Saddam's finished,
really, isn't he?
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Oh, yes, absolutely.
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00:06:25,240 --> 00:06:27,839
I mean, we blew his domestic
opponents to bits in the trenches,
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00:06:27,840 --> 00:06:30,359
we enabled him to massacre
the Shiites and the kurds,
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00:06:30,360 --> 00:06:32,199
we've made him a hero to arab fanatics,
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00:06:32,200 --> 00:06:33,879
and left him totally defenceless
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00:06:33,880 --> 00:06:36,519
apart from his best
troops and a few h bombs.
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She scoffs he's a broken man (!)
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Fantastic! Well, how's
it going, task force?
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00:06:42,400 --> 00:06:45,519
Nuking them before they nuke you?
He chuckles
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00:06:45,520 --> 00:06:47,040
now, erm...
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00:06:48,040 --> 00:06:51,639
..I'd like to introduce Octavia.
She'll be with us for a week.
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She's very interested in TV journalism
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and, coincidentally,
happens to be the daughter
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of our much-loved
proprietor, sir royston.
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Please, I just want to be
treated like any other trainee.
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00:07:03,680 --> 00:07:07,320
I'm quite happy to make
tea, run errands, whatever.
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00:07:09,640 --> 00:07:11,999
I'm sure that won't be necessary.
Dave...
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Dave, perhaps you could show
Octavia round the command capsule?
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00:07:15,200 --> 00:07:16,439
Sure. Coffee?
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00:07:16,440 --> 00:07:20,199
Oh, by the way, nice item
on yugoslavia last Friday.
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I particularly liked the
bullet-riddled pram.
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Sorry I'm late, everybody.
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I've been talking through the
allegations about Maxwell
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with the lawyers.
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00:07:32,040 --> 00:07:34,399
You know, I think they're
frightened of him.
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Every time I mention his
name, they cross themselves.
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00:07:39,320 --> 00:07:41,959
George, I understand you've told Alex
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to start this review
of our Gulf coverage?
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Yes, well, I did say
publicly that we would...
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Well, it's just I feel sir
royston might be a smidgen upset
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about the controversy potential.
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And with his franchise bid
up for consideration...
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00:07:51,680 --> 00:07:53,759
Actually, Gus, could we
discuss this another time?
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Only I've got rather a nasty migraine.
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Been under a lot of stress.
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George, that stress will only increase
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when sir royston phones up and...
look! I am sick
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00:08:01,120 --> 00:08:05,399
of being threatened by some
bloated, philistine megalomaniac!
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00:08:05,400 --> 00:08:07,360
George, meet Octavia,
sir royston's daughter.
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00:08:08,840 --> 00:08:10,160
So pack it in, Henry!
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00:08:14,000 --> 00:08:15,759
So then Henry said to denis Thatcher,
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00:08:15,760 --> 00:08:18,160
"listen, if I wasn't so pissed,
I'd have had her myself."
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00:08:23,080 --> 00:08:25,679
You know, I'm not sure
Dave is the best person
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to be showing her around. Hmm.
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I can see the headline now.
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"Mogul closes news station after
employee screws daughter."
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Yes. Still, the stars'
private lives are their own.
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Perhaps we should send
Dave on a holiday.
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00:08:39,080 --> 00:08:41,119
Anything else breaking, Alex?
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00:08:41,120 --> 00:08:43,119
Well, there's the boxing debate.
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You know, is being bludgeoned
remorselessly about the head
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until you lose
consciousness bad for you?
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00:08:50,120 --> 00:08:52,199
Oh, and Thatcher's
attacking Europe tomorrow.
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00:08:52,200 --> 00:08:55,759
Right! 4:20, croc rock's on!
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00:08:55,760 --> 00:08:58,639
Come on, you're not gonna watch
a kids programme, are you?
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00:08:58,640 --> 00:09:01,079
Where only watching it cos Sally's on.
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00:09:01,080 --> 00:09:03,159
Oh, great! It's Craig the crocodile.
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00:09:03,160 --> 00:09:06,319
Where did you get the idea
for let's read the news?
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00:09:06,320 --> 00:09:10,119
Of all things, it was actually
during a chat with princess Diana.
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00:09:10,120 --> 00:09:12,239
All groan
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00:09:12,240 --> 00:09:14,399
we were talking about children,
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00:09:14,400 --> 00:09:16,399
and I said what a good idea it would be
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if someone could explain
how we make the news.
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00:09:19,120 --> 00:09:21,159
And she thought it was a good idea?
190
00:09:21,160 --> 00:09:23,799
Oh, yes. She said, "how fascinating!"
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00:09:23,800 --> 00:09:27,319
Aussie accent: Yeah, that's what
she said to me when I met her.
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00:09:27,320 --> 00:09:28,679
You met her, Craig?
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00:09:28,680 --> 00:09:32,359
Yeah, we shared a couple of tinnies
over the buck house Barbie!
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00:09:32,360 --> 00:09:35,039
He laughs did you?
195
00:09:35,040 --> 00:09:38,639
Anyway, I said, "you
know what, Diana...
196
00:09:38,640 --> 00:09:41,319
Cos that's what she asked
me to call her, Diana.
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00:09:41,320 --> 00:09:43,639
I said, "someone should show children
198
00:09:43,640 --> 00:09:47,280
"that making the news isn't
as easy as it seems."
199
00:09:48,960 --> 00:09:53,039
Now, stop it, Craig, or we'll
turn you into a handbag.
200
00:09:53,040 --> 00:09:54,279
Craig blows raspberry
201
00:09:54,280 --> 00:09:58,119
so, Sally, how did you
start to write this book?
202
00:09:58,120 --> 00:10:02,119
Easy! She called in a ghost-writer!
No, I didn't, actually.
203
00:10:02,120 --> 00:10:04,999
You mean you wrote
this rubbish yourself?
204
00:10:05,000 --> 00:10:06,959
No, I mean... bwargh!
205
00:10:06,960 --> 00:10:08,239
You see, what I mean...
206
00:10:08,240 --> 00:10:10,119
Giz a kiss! I'm sorry?
207
00:10:10,120 --> 00:10:11,439
Giz a kiss!
208
00:10:11,440 --> 00:10:12,800
Oh!
209
00:10:13,960 --> 00:10:16,160
Don't be naughty, Craig!
210
00:10:17,400 --> 00:10:20,999
Whoa, strewth, kids!
She's a great snogger!
211
00:10:21,000 --> 00:10:23,919
So, Sally, what's next in the pipeline?
212
00:10:23,920 --> 00:10:25,639
Well, I, erm...
213
00:10:25,640 --> 00:10:27,680
Thump oh, Jesus!
214
00:10:30,640 --> 00:10:34,999
Well, I think we'd better take
a break there. Let's, er...
215
00:10:35,000 --> 00:10:38,480
Watch the latest Kylie video.
216
00:10:39,440 --> 00:10:41,959
They applaud
217
00:10:41,960 --> 00:10:44,519
bit of a PR nightmare.
218
00:10:44,520 --> 00:10:48,239
Yes. Though we're always in safe
hands with sir royston in charge.
219
00:10:48,240 --> 00:10:49,440
What?
220
00:10:50,680 --> 00:10:51,880
Oh.
221
00:10:54,880 --> 00:10:57,919
Economic survey. Recession over.
222
00:10:57,920 --> 00:11:01,959
Right, now, tomorrow, Ian
mckellen's visiting number 10.
223
00:11:01,960 --> 00:11:05,559
Surprised major's thinking of
supporting the right to be gay.
224
00:11:05,560 --> 00:11:09,560
He obviously just misheard. He
supports the right to be grey.
225
00:11:11,640 --> 00:11:13,279
Yes, very good.
226
00:11:13,280 --> 00:11:15,439
Right. He clears his throat
227
00:11:15,440 --> 00:11:19,479
now, Baker's going to say
more about car crime today.
228
00:11:19,480 --> 00:11:21,639
Now, that's something that
should be sorted out.
229
00:11:21,640 --> 00:11:25,079
All these bloody teenagers trying to
prove they're macho on the roads.
230
00:11:25,080 --> 00:11:26,439
You know, I had one yesterday
231
00:11:26,440 --> 00:11:28,399
deliberately cut me off at the lights.
232
00:11:28,400 --> 00:11:30,640
Did you get his number? No.
Burnt the sucker off.
233
00:11:31,720 --> 00:11:34,599
You know, Alex, my Porsche does 0-60...
234
00:11:34,600 --> 00:11:36,160
In 6.8 seconds.
235
00:11:37,200 --> 00:11:39,519
Yeah, well, he was pretty
gobsmacked, actually. Yeah.
236
00:11:39,520 --> 00:11:42,360
Especially when I did that handbrake
turn into trafalgar square.
237
00:11:43,360 --> 00:11:46,959
Another economic survey.
Recession's getting worse.
238
00:11:46,960 --> 00:11:49,799
Sorry I'm late. Daddy
insisted on giving me a lift.
239
00:11:49,800 --> 00:11:51,000
How are you?
240
00:11:51,960 --> 00:11:54,919
Ah, joy. A cup of coffee
would be wonderful.
241
00:11:54,920 --> 00:11:56,720
Mmm, wouldn't it just (!)
242
00:11:58,520 --> 00:12:00,839
Erm, look...
243
00:12:00,840 --> 00:12:03,719
Are you happy working here? No.
244
00:12:03,720 --> 00:12:06,079
Right. It's just, in many ways,
245
00:12:06,080 --> 00:12:08,599
you're the most efficient
pa we've ever had.
246
00:12:08,600 --> 00:12:10,039
It just would be nice, sometimes,
247
00:12:10,040 --> 00:12:12,599
if you made a bit of an
effort to be more cheerful.
248
00:12:12,600 --> 00:12:14,479
Very well, George. As
I hand out the post,
249
00:12:14,480 --> 00:12:15,759
I'll wear a whirly bowtie,
250
00:12:15,760 --> 00:12:18,639
turn cartwheels and sing hits
from south pacific. How's that?
251
00:12:18,640 --> 00:12:20,320
George, George.
252
00:12:22,680 --> 00:12:25,759
I'm increasingly worried about Octavia.
253
00:12:25,760 --> 00:12:28,759
She seems very friendly with Dave.
254
00:12:28,760 --> 00:12:32,519
And Dave's friendships do tend to...
how shall I put this?
255
00:12:32,520 --> 00:12:34,800
..Wander south of the bellybutton.
256
00:12:36,720 --> 00:12:39,319
Yes, well, she's not our
responsibility, is she?
257
00:12:39,320 --> 00:12:40,519
True.
258
00:12:40,520 --> 00:12:43,639
But I suspect if anything untoward
happened to his little girl,
259
00:12:43,640 --> 00:12:45,360
then sir royston would crush us.
260
00:12:46,640 --> 00:12:49,760
Like a mammoth stepping
on two dung beetles.
261
00:12:52,160 --> 00:12:54,599
Anyway, I... i mustn't interfere.
262
00:12:54,600 --> 00:12:56,480
I'm not here.
263
00:12:57,880 --> 00:12:59,799
Anybody got anything
they want to chip in
264
00:12:59,800 --> 00:13:01,519
to this review of our Gulf coverage?
265
00:13:01,520 --> 00:13:04,159
Yes. The way everyone lied to us.
266
00:13:04,160 --> 00:13:06,639
Of course they lied,
there was a war on.
267
00:13:06,640 --> 00:13:08,479
But I did my best.
268
00:13:08,480 --> 00:13:12,359
I know that my reports were
fair, honest, and responsible.
269
00:13:12,360 --> 00:13:14,759
I thought you'd say that.
270
00:13:14,760 --> 00:13:20,239
And so, the war is over for
these thousands of Iraqi troops
271
00:13:20,240 --> 00:13:24,159
who are only too pleased
to be taken prisoner.
272
00:13:24,160 --> 00:13:27,959
The holes in their shoes and
the terror in their eyes
273
00:13:27,960 --> 00:13:30,559
tell of the terrible ordeal
274
00:13:30,560 --> 00:13:33,439
that they have suffered
for the last month.
275
00:13:33,440 --> 00:13:35,719
They seemed amazed and grateful
276
00:13:35,720 --> 00:13:39,239
when they were given water
and a bar of chocolate
277
00:13:39,240 --> 00:13:42,719
before surrendering to allied forces.
278
00:13:42,720 --> 00:13:44,960
Undertrained and under...
279
00:13:45,960 --> 00:13:47,760
Oh, for god's sake!
280
00:13:49,600 --> 00:13:50,839
Oi!
281
00:13:50,840 --> 00:13:55,559
Are you sure there aren't any
more prisoners around here?
282
00:13:55,560 --> 00:13:59,159
Well, everybody else managed
to bloody capture some!
283
00:13:59,160 --> 00:14:00,999
That's a disgrace.
284
00:14:01,000 --> 00:14:02,759
Yes.
285
00:14:02,760 --> 00:14:05,479
But I did get a usable take in the end.
286
00:14:05,480 --> 00:14:07,239
Oh, look, come on.
287
00:14:07,240 --> 00:14:09,639
I had to send in something. Oh!
288
00:14:09,640 --> 00:14:11,159
And at least I didn't file my reports
289
00:14:11,160 --> 00:14:13,119
from an air-conditioned hotel.
290
00:14:13,120 --> 00:14:15,039
No, I was out there on the front line
291
00:14:15,040 --> 00:14:16,559
with the flies and the bullets.
292
00:14:16,560 --> 00:14:18,479
And the cormorants. What?
293
00:14:18,480 --> 00:14:19,599
Nothing.
294
00:14:19,600 --> 00:14:23,719
Look, I do hope this inquiry isn't
going to be frankness-heavy.
295
00:14:23,720 --> 00:14:25,999
Gus, it's going to be constructive.
296
00:14:26,000 --> 00:14:27,999
I'm sure everybody will
get something from it.
297
00:14:28,000 --> 00:14:29,479
The sack, hopefully.
298
00:14:29,480 --> 00:14:31,999
Phone rings
299
00:14:32,000 --> 00:14:33,599
George dent.
300
00:14:33,600 --> 00:14:35,959
Ah, sir roysten, hello.
301
00:14:35,960 --> 00:14:39,080
Octavia? Yes, she seems very happy.
302
00:14:40,480 --> 00:14:42,879
Today, she's shadowing
the one o'clock team,
303
00:14:42,880 --> 00:14:44,599
and tomorrow, it's the sex.
304
00:14:44,600 --> 00:14:46,639
Six!
305
00:14:46,640 --> 00:14:48,879
Then I'm going to send her
up the stick library...
306
00:14:48,880 --> 00:14:52,079
The stock library... To see
how old film is conceived.
307
00:14:52,080 --> 00:14:54,439
Conserved! Conserved.
308
00:14:54,440 --> 00:14:57,120
So, as you can see, everything's fine.
309
00:14:58,640 --> 00:15:00,680
Yes, I'm feeling perfectly
all right, thank you.
310
00:15:07,720 --> 00:15:10,759
He can be very rude
sometimes, can't he?
311
00:15:10,760 --> 00:15:11,999
Where was I?
312
00:15:12,000 --> 00:15:14,639
I trust this report
will include the fact
313
00:15:14,640 --> 00:15:17,559
that I was the first British
journalist into Kuwait.
314
00:15:17,560 --> 00:15:20,439
The first one to pass out
from alcohol poisoning.
315
00:15:20,440 --> 00:15:23,119
Careful, dear boy! Cormorants.
316
00:15:23,120 --> 00:15:25,759
What's he talking about, Damien?
317
00:15:25,760 --> 00:15:27,799
Don't listen to him, George.
318
00:15:27,800 --> 00:15:29,719
The dts, I expect. He's rambling.
319
00:15:29,720 --> 00:15:31,719
Am I, indeed?
320
00:15:31,720 --> 00:15:36,239
Do you remember that huge oil
slick going past the Saudi coast?
321
00:15:36,240 --> 00:15:38,559
Well, it wasn't going fast
enough for our Damien,
322
00:15:38,560 --> 00:15:41,639
which meant that he didn't have
any heart-wrenching pictures
323
00:15:41,640 --> 00:15:43,519
of oil-soaked sea birds.
324
00:15:43,520 --> 00:15:46,359
So he got a barrel of oil...
325
00:15:46,360 --> 00:15:47,879
Oh, no!
326
00:15:47,880 --> 00:15:50,440
..And he started dunking cormorants!
327
00:15:53,480 --> 00:15:56,879
And as for his tragic picture
of dead fish on the shoreline,
328
00:15:56,880 --> 00:15:58,719
it's not surprising they were dead.
329
00:15:58,720 --> 00:16:00,879
There were trout from
the hotel freezer!
330
00:16:00,880 --> 00:16:04,119
Look, those were the
pictures that you wanted,
331
00:16:04,120 --> 00:16:07,439
and I delivered them. Just a
few days early, that's all.
332
00:16:07,440 --> 00:16:08,759
I am seriously shocked!
333
00:16:08,760 --> 00:16:10,199
Sally's on her way up.
334
00:16:10,200 --> 00:16:12,839
What? But I have to say,
I'm deeply disturbed by...
335
00:16:12,840 --> 00:16:14,799
We can't just shove it
all under the carpet.
336
00:16:14,800 --> 00:16:17,039
I mean, after all, we are a
serious, professional...
337
00:16:17,040 --> 00:16:18,919
Shh, shh! Morning, everyone.
338
00:16:18,920 --> 00:16:21,600
All: Morning, Sally!
339
00:16:25,880 --> 00:16:27,639
Ok, top story.
340
00:16:27,640 --> 00:16:30,439
War in yugoslavia. Trouble with this,
341
00:16:30,440 --> 00:16:32,679
it's so complicated to get
across to the viewer.
342
00:16:32,680 --> 00:16:35,160
Nonsense, it's perfectly clear to me.
343
00:16:36,280 --> 00:16:38,359
Oh, right.
344
00:16:38,360 --> 00:16:39,999
Well, what's your opinion, Sally?
345
00:16:40,000 --> 00:16:42,880
Do you think that the serbs
will attack Bosnia-Herzegovina?
346
00:16:43,920 --> 00:16:45,320
Quite possibly.
347
00:16:47,480 --> 00:16:49,600
Yes, but where does
that leave ruritania?
348
00:16:51,240 --> 00:16:54,079
Well, that's the big
question, isn't it?
349
00:16:54,080 --> 00:16:57,439
Well, personally, I think ruritania
will merge with inertia, malaria,
350
00:16:57,440 --> 00:17:00,039
beatlemania and upper hernia.
What do you think, sal?
351
00:17:00,040 --> 00:17:01,759
Well, I...
352
00:17:01,760 --> 00:17:03,399
Dave laughs
353
00:17:03,400 --> 00:17:07,799
right, who wants a video of Sally
being humiliated by a crocodile?
354
00:17:07,800 --> 00:17:09,759
Dave?
355
00:17:09,760 --> 00:17:12,079
I've thrown in George
best pissed on wogan,
356
00:17:12,080 --> 00:17:14,319
and all the best bits out of
that sex education video.
357
00:17:14,320 --> 00:17:16,240
Could I have a word?
358
00:17:18,560 --> 00:17:20,679
Dave...
359
00:17:20,680 --> 00:17:24,239
You seem to be getting on
very well with, er, Octavia.
360
00:17:24,240 --> 00:17:26,959
Yes? Yes.
361
00:17:26,960 --> 00:17:28,959
I suppose you're not, er...
362
00:17:28,960 --> 00:17:30,920
You and her, you haven't, er...
363
00:17:32,200 --> 00:17:34,200
..Gone out to the cinema?
364
00:17:36,440 --> 00:17:39,359
We went to see a film, yes.
What is this, George?
365
00:17:39,360 --> 00:17:40,799
Nothing, it's...
366
00:17:40,800 --> 00:17:42,919
It's just with her being
sir roysten's daughter,
367
00:17:42,920 --> 00:17:45,399
I was wondering about your intentions.
368
00:17:45,400 --> 00:17:46,839
Oh, you mean sex.
369
00:17:46,840 --> 00:17:49,639
It's just I don't think sir
roysten would like it.
370
00:17:49,640 --> 00:17:51,640
Well, sir roysten
wouldn't be getting it.
371
00:17:53,480 --> 00:17:55,399
You're serious, aren't you?
372
00:17:55,400 --> 00:17:57,119
Listen, George, it's nobody's business
373
00:17:57,120 --> 00:17:58,440
what's between Octavia and me.
374
00:17:59,560 --> 00:18:02,079
Yes, yes, you're right. I'm sorry.
375
00:18:02,080 --> 00:18:03,919
I shouldn't have mentioned it.
376
00:18:03,920 --> 00:18:05,759
It's just there are all these stories
377
00:18:05,760 --> 00:18:08,559
about how sir roysten's so
desperately overprotective.
378
00:18:08,560 --> 00:18:11,439
Oh, I see. What sort
of stories, exactly?
379
00:18:11,440 --> 00:18:13,999
Well, somebody was telling
me about this guy
380
00:18:14,000 --> 00:18:16,079
who was seeing a lot
of his other daughter,
381
00:18:16,080 --> 00:18:18,599
and he got him fired, then
he put him on a blacklist
382
00:18:18,600 --> 00:18:22,560
so he couldn't work again, and
destroyed his life, basically.
383
00:18:24,720 --> 00:18:26,999
Just for seeing a lot of his daughter?
384
00:18:27,000 --> 00:18:28,280
Yes.
385
00:18:29,320 --> 00:18:31,480
Poor guy committed suicide, apparently.
386
00:18:33,480 --> 00:18:36,439
Still, you're absolutely right, Dave.
387
00:18:36,440 --> 00:18:38,959
It's nobody's business but your own.
388
00:18:38,960 --> 00:18:41,879
Er, yeah. Laughs nervously
389
00:18:41,880 --> 00:18:43,400
cheers, George.
390
00:18:45,800 --> 00:18:47,839
Magnificent, George!
391
00:18:47,840 --> 00:18:51,319
I didn't know you had it in you.
You played him like a master.
392
00:18:51,320 --> 00:18:53,079
How do you mean?
393
00:18:53,080 --> 00:18:54,960
You old fox!
394
00:19:00,880 --> 00:19:02,799
George, now, I'm not one to complain,
395
00:19:02,800 --> 00:19:05,479
but the behaviour of the staff
here is pathetic and infantile,
396
00:19:05,480 --> 00:19:07,319
and I want you to do
something about it.
397
00:19:07,320 --> 00:19:09,399
Australian accent: Absolutely!
398
00:19:09,400 --> 00:19:11,759
Grow up. Australian
accent: Yeah, grow up!
399
00:19:11,760 --> 00:19:13,519
It's like working at broadmoor.
400
00:19:13,520 --> 00:19:15,480
Mocking laughter
401
00:19:16,800 --> 00:19:19,719
have you got those tickets for that
Julie Walters film tonight, Dave?
402
00:19:19,720 --> 00:19:22,439
Ah, erm... actually, I
can't make it tonight.
403
00:19:22,440 --> 00:19:24,239
Oh? Why?
404
00:19:24,240 --> 00:19:25,959
I'm, erm...
405
00:19:25,960 --> 00:19:27,399
I'm washing my curtains.
406
00:19:27,400 --> 00:19:28,640
Oh.
407
00:19:30,080 --> 00:19:31,360
Right.
408
00:19:35,080 --> 00:19:36,399
George.
409
00:19:36,400 --> 00:19:38,759
I've just finished
reading Alex's report.
410
00:19:38,760 --> 00:19:40,919
Yes, very stimulating, isn't it?
411
00:19:40,920 --> 00:19:44,599
Yes. I was particularly stimulated
by the passage which implies
412
00:19:44,600 --> 00:19:47,279
that the government used
us as a propaganda tool
413
00:19:47,280 --> 00:19:50,079
to exaggerate the military
strength of the Iraqis.
414
00:19:50,080 --> 00:19:53,679
Yes, erm... has sir
roysten seen the report?
415
00:19:53,680 --> 00:19:55,839
Oh, yes. He says it's
just what we need.
416
00:19:55,840 --> 00:19:58,719
Really? Yes. I think
his exact words were,
417
00:19:58,720 --> 00:20:01,720
"just what we bloody
well need right now."
418
00:20:03,040 --> 00:20:05,599
He made a suggestion, which
I'll stick in your toaster
419
00:20:05,600 --> 00:20:07,200
to see what pops up.
420
00:20:08,880 --> 00:20:11,480
He wondered if we should keep it...
internal.
421
00:20:15,120 --> 00:20:17,199
No, I promised this report
would be made public,
422
00:20:17,200 --> 00:20:18,399
and it will be.
423
00:20:18,400 --> 00:20:20,479
Fair enough, coach. I
understand your position.
424
00:20:20,480 --> 00:20:22,639
I'm sure sir roysten will
when you explain it to him.
425
00:20:22,640 --> 00:20:24,119
Explain it?
426
00:20:24,120 --> 00:20:28,320
Well, he gave me the firm impression
he'd be ringing you for a chat.
427
00:20:31,560 --> 00:20:33,439
Alex.
428
00:20:33,440 --> 00:20:35,559
Jackie Mann, raf lyneham.
429
00:20:35,560 --> 00:20:37,759
Look, we don't want to pester him.
430
00:20:37,760 --> 00:20:39,719
Absolutely, we'll film from some bushes
431
00:20:39,720 --> 00:20:41,959
with a telescopic lens.
432
00:20:41,960 --> 00:20:43,879
That way, we won't bother him.
433
00:20:43,880 --> 00:20:45,399
How about tonight, then?
434
00:20:45,400 --> 00:20:48,479
Erm, no, no. I... I can't
make it tonight, ok?
435
00:20:48,480 --> 00:20:50,599
What, again? Yes, I'm, erm...
436
00:20:50,600 --> 00:20:52,680
Shampooing my cushion
covers, all right?
437
00:20:53,960 --> 00:20:58,839
Well, it looks like the thing
between Dave and Octavia's over.
438
00:20:58,840 --> 00:21:01,039
Yes, good thing, too. Absolutely.
439
00:21:01,040 --> 00:21:03,000
Hmm, leaves the field open for me.
440
00:21:05,320 --> 00:21:08,279
Everyone shouting
441
00:21:08,280 --> 00:21:10,639
going public with this
report is pointless.
442
00:21:10,640 --> 00:21:12,639
No-one's interested in this carping.
443
00:21:12,640 --> 00:21:15,159
The war's over. It was
a complete success.
444
00:21:15,160 --> 00:21:18,119
Oh, yeah, cos the region's
really stable now, isn't it (?)
445
00:21:18,120 --> 00:21:21,479
And the criticisms of the
reporting are unfair.
446
00:21:21,480 --> 00:21:23,759
Henry scoffs yeah, and
why was there no mention
447
00:21:23,760 --> 00:21:25,959
of the special reports from Jordan,
448
00:21:25,960 --> 00:21:28,199
just so that some old
has-been could get a drink?
449
00:21:28,200 --> 00:21:31,879
I will not be slandered
by a cormorant-dunker!
450
00:21:31,880 --> 00:21:34,279
Right, all right, all right.
451
00:21:34,280 --> 00:21:36,079
Look, we have to go
public with this report.
452
00:21:36,080 --> 00:21:38,039
George promised that we would. Yes.
453
00:21:38,040 --> 00:21:40,599
And George sticks to his guns.
Has sir roysten rang you yet?
454
00:21:40,600 --> 00:21:42,399
No. Back in a tick.
455
00:21:42,400 --> 00:21:43,639
What?
456
00:21:43,640 --> 00:21:44,999
Irritable bowel syndrome.
457
00:21:45,000 --> 00:21:47,559
Sally's on!
458
00:21:47,560 --> 00:21:49,199
'Sally, you actually got the idea'
459
00:21:49,200 --> 00:21:50,679
from talking to princess Diana.
460
00:21:50,680 --> 00:21:53,119
Yes, that's right. Fantastic.
461
00:21:53,120 --> 00:21:55,479
Now, sal, you said you were
a fan of the programme.
462
00:21:55,480 --> 00:21:57,039
Oh, yes. I never miss it.
463
00:21:57,040 --> 00:21:59,919
So, you'll know what happens next? Yes.
464
00:21:59,920 --> 00:22:01,799
What is it, kids? It's...
465
00:22:01,800 --> 00:22:04,359
Kids: The gunge plunge!
466
00:22:04,360 --> 00:22:07,240
All: The gunge plunge!
467
00:22:08,440 --> 00:22:09,759
The gunge plunge.
468
00:22:09,760 --> 00:22:12,679
That's right. That's when
we dunk you in gunk.
469
00:22:12,680 --> 00:22:15,359
Ah, no, you see, I don't think
anyone actually mentioned...
470
00:22:15,360 --> 00:22:17,679
If you'll just come with me, sal.
Cheering
471
00:22:17,680 --> 00:22:19,599
you know, there is just the odd moment
472
00:22:19,600 --> 00:22:21,199
that makes life worth living.
473
00:22:21,200 --> 00:22:26,039
Thanks for being such a good
sport, sal, and taking the plunge.
474
00:22:26,040 --> 00:22:28,559
Screaming
475
00:22:28,560 --> 00:22:33,399
cheering
476
00:22:33,400 --> 00:22:36,639
George, you've just missed a
very special moment, mate.
477
00:22:36,640 --> 00:22:39,079
George, two messages.
478
00:22:39,080 --> 00:22:41,999
Your wife rang and said, "can
you pick up the dry-cleaning?"
479
00:22:42,000 --> 00:22:44,599
And sir roysten rang and
said he's going to hack you
480
00:22:44,600 --> 00:22:47,279
into tiny pieces and feed
you to his rottweilers.
481
00:22:47,280 --> 00:22:48,959
He's ringing you back.
482
00:22:48,960 --> 00:22:51,159
Thank you, joy. Right.
483
00:22:51,160 --> 00:22:53,679
George, this report... I
still want it published.
484
00:22:53,680 --> 00:22:56,839
Oh, absolutely. I was just wondering
about a little postponement.
485
00:22:56,840 --> 00:22:59,839
As long as it still gets published.
Oh, quite.
486
00:22:59,840 --> 00:23:02,639
Shall we say, January 1993?
487
00:23:02,640 --> 00:23:05,839
Yes, that sounds about right.
Phone rings
488
00:23:05,840 --> 00:23:08,640
Australian accent: Hello,
Craig the crocodile speaking!
489
00:23:09,600 --> 00:23:12,599
Er, yes, sir roysten, I'll, er...
490
00:23:12,600 --> 00:23:14,119
George.
491
00:23:14,120 --> 00:23:15,439
Ah, sir roysten.
492
00:23:15,440 --> 00:23:17,919
Look, if it's about the
report, I can explain.
493
00:23:17,920 --> 00:23:19,319
Yes, we...
494
00:23:19,320 --> 00:23:20,919
Yes, but...
495
00:23:20,920 --> 00:23:22,080
Yes, but I...
496
00:23:26,800 --> 00:23:28,399
The report?
497
00:23:28,400 --> 00:23:30,519
No. Dave.
498
00:23:30,520 --> 00:23:32,439
Oh, my god, what's he done?
499
00:23:32,440 --> 00:23:34,599
Not enough, apparently.
500
00:23:34,600 --> 00:23:36,719
Sir roysten wants to know
why a member of my staff
501
00:23:36,720 --> 00:23:39,599
has upset his daughter
by cold-shouldering her.
502
00:23:39,600 --> 00:23:42,519
Ah, well, that's what you get
for interfering, George.
503
00:23:42,520 --> 00:23:44,759
Dave? Are you doing anything tonight?
504
00:23:44,760 --> 00:23:47,319
Yeah. Cancel it. Oh, hello.
505
00:23:47,320 --> 00:23:50,640
Yes, I'd like to book a
table for two, please.
506
00:23:57,480 --> 00:23:58,879
Damien: Anything new?
507
00:23:58,880 --> 00:24:01,119
Alex: Er, miners rioting in Romania.
508
00:24:01,120 --> 00:24:03,279
Kenneth Baker will probably
blame the parents.
509
00:24:03,280 --> 00:24:05,919
Well, I could go there.
Tension increases in Iraq.
510
00:24:05,920 --> 00:24:08,359
I could go there. More on McCarthy.
511
00:24:08,360 --> 00:24:10,599
Incidentally, Damien, I've
had a complaint about you
512
00:24:10,600 --> 00:24:12,599
at the McCarthy-Jill
Morell press conference.
513
00:24:12,600 --> 00:24:14,759
Yes, a heart-warming,
tender story, wasn't it?
514
00:24:14,760 --> 00:24:17,439
Did you or did you not ask
them to snog for the cameras?
515
00:24:17,440 --> 00:24:19,559
Well, you should have heard
what the man from the sun
516
00:24:19,560 --> 00:24:22,239
asked them to do! Oh,
Jackie Mann at raf lyneham.
517
00:24:22,240 --> 00:24:23,879
I could go there. I don't think so.
518
00:24:23,880 --> 00:24:27,079
Well, there must be something.
Oh, what's this?
519
00:24:27,080 --> 00:24:29,159
Radiation scare at sellafield.
520
00:24:29,160 --> 00:24:30,879
Oh, yes, you could go there.
521
00:24:30,880 --> 00:24:32,360
Yeah, very funny, Alex.
522
00:24:35,000 --> 00:24:37,040
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