All language subtitles for Drop The Dead Donkey s01e10 The Big Day.eng

'And now, drop the dead donkey.

'This episode was first shown
in a week when Israeli soldiers

'killed 21 palestinians on the
temple mount in Jerusalem.

'When the tories held their conference

'and when Britain finally joined
the exchange rate mechanism.'

all right, so I made one
tiny error of judgement.

One tiny error of judgement, what
about the footage of the riot?

It was highly sensationalist.

Look, George, my job
is to cover the story

and the story was that a mob of
muslims were attacking a panda car.

They were attacking a panda car
because someone had written,

"long live salman rushdie"
on the back window.

Don't look at me.

This cynical, manipulative
behaviour is unacceptable, Damien.

And this time, I am doing
something about it.

Yeah, like what? Like firing you.

If I come across any more examples
of this kind of behaviour.

Yes, well, I'm sure that if you
do, that Gus will back you up.

And, of course, sir royston.

And I'm sure that the survey showing
me as our most popular reporter

who delivers the sexiest footage,
won't affect their judgement.

Get real, will you?

Oh, you've certainly got
him scared, George.

Could you just talk me
through what we can expect

on the first day of the conference?

Well, basically, it'll kick off
with a speech from Kenneth Baker

and then the first debate will begin.

That'll be the usual
speakers from the floor.

Self-made businessman from the
north who'll begin his speech,

northern accent: "I am a
working class conservative..."

A 17-year-old prepubescent rat,
dressed like a bank manager,

who'll begin his, "I'm
a young person..."

An Asian shopkeeper who speaks nicely

and a tight-arsed
housewife from basildon

who's prepared to hang
muggers personally

and wants to bid for the franchise.

Oh, and then it's out into the lobby

where we'll interview
four rent-a-quote mps

who'll all say that the
debate was so magnificent

that they had orgasms throughout.

Thank you, Alex.

My pleasure. Listen, I need
a coffee, do you want some?

Not for me, thank you.

Morning. Morning.

Thud

don't mind me.

? Somewhere over the
rainbow, way up high... ?

Excuse me? Excuse me?

What exactly are you, er..?

The electrics. Your boss hedges
called me in to do the electrics.

I see.

? There's a price on the thingy
where is the junction box? ?

Do you mind not singing? Only,
I'm trying to work, you see?

Sorry.

He whistles somewhere over the rainbow

look, do you think you could
possibly do this at some other time?

Look, I've gotta get a crack on if
I'm gonna get the rewiring done

and get your sign up in time.

Sign?

The big neon sign your boss
wants over the front door

saying globelink news.

It's gotta be done by Thursday. I see.

Yeah, in time for the
Prime Minister's visit.

What?

Well, the prime minister's visit.

She's coming here on
Thursday to do an interview.

I'd have thought you'd have known that.

So would I.

George, there's more from
the massacre on the mount.

The Israeli's are holding
an enquiry, apparently.

Yeah, that's right.

It's a very serious crime
under Israeli law,

shooting palestinians out of season.

If you've got... George!
How are things?

Actually, Gus, I wanted...

George, George, I have some great news.

I've already heard.
From an electrician.

Would you excuse us a second?

Isn't it marvellous, George?

Sir royston was at an
industrialists against famine lunch

and he persuaded the pm to give us
an exclusive one-hour interview

this Thursday. Yes, but...

Luckily, she had a window
in her conference diary.

So, she's jumping into sir
royston's helicopter,

flying up from bournemouth, to
give us an exclusive interview.

Isn't it fantastic?

Right, well, I better tell Henry
to start preparing for it.

Well, er, actually, sir royston said,

the pm's office did express
a preference for Sally.

Sally?!

Yes, you know, woman to woman.
The intimate approach.

They'd like Sally to do the
interview as they think...

They think it would make the
Prime Minister look... human.

Well, anyone looks human next to Sally.

Yes, well, as I understand
it from sir royston,

the pm is prepared to open up and
talk about her private life.

Oh, god, I can hear it now.

Childhood memories of
how she wept bitterly

every time one of her pet piranha died.

Oh, Gus, Sally can't handle
an interview with the pm.

Yes, I agree. It has to be Henry.

Well, your decision, George.
You're in charge.

Although if you do take that
approach, I feel there could be

a question mark over the
interview taking place.

That's blackmail.

Yes, but I feel we could outflank
them here by giving in to it.

This interview could be a big boost.

And, right now, we could do with
a couple of touchdown passes.

As sir royston pointed out to me
the other day, at some length,

while we were in his limo stuck
in traffic outside a job centre.

Look, I still say...
Oh, for heaven's sake!

He laughs

er, Henry might not want to do
the interview with mrs Thatcher.

He might be more
reasonable than you think.

The bitch said what?! Vengeful cow!

Just because I asked her about
the bloody belgrano that time!

Henry.

Fancy asking for old sawdust brain.
I only mentioned...

She'd have her tongue so far up the
prime ministerial back passage,

you'd only see the soles of her shoes!

I'm not standing for this!

Shall we take that as a maybe?

God, why me? I don't know what to do.

George, we mustn't give way on this.

No, I suppose not.

On the other hand, maybe
we're being unfair.

I mean, maybe Sally's more of a
heavyweight political interviewer

than we realise.

Say what you like about
Cecil Parkinson's policies,

he does wear nice suits.

It's a very delicate situation.

We have to weigh up all
the pros and cons.

On the one hand, if we give it to
Henry, we may not get the interview.

If we give it to Sally, well, then...

Where's all this fish come from?

You want some?

What is this? It's a trout.

Gotta contact at billingsgate,
so I'm getting all this lot

at half shop prices. Got a couple
left, if you're interested?

It may have escaped your notice,
but this is a newsroom,

not a fish stall. Now, listen...

Got my order? Yeah.

Great. What else have
you got coming in?

I should have some fresh lobster soon.

Oh, great. Put me down for one.

Dave... George. What now?

Gerry gower is on his way up. Who?

Pm's media advisor.

He says Gus suggested he drop by.

Why does no-one ever tell me
anything around this bloody...

George dent? Yes.

Gerry gower, Gus said
you'd be expecting me.

Keep working on it.

We're doing a feature on
pollution in the north sea.

Then I'm confident it'll reflect
the massive improvement

this government's made.

I understand you've got the
boss coming in on Thursday

for a bit of the old third degree.

I wouldn't say our interview
technique was like that.

No. But hers is.

I came to confirm a few details.

Oh, well, perhaps we should do
this in your... in my office.

Erm, before she comes here,

we've found her a nice school
for the handicapped to visit.

Where she can hug some of
the more photogenic ones.

If we find any. That's
just round the corner

and she's scheduled
to finish about 5:30.

So she'll be with us around six?

No, 6:30.

She'll spontaneously decide to spend
more time with the youngsters.

Now, the interview...

Obviously, ask her absolutely anything.

Only if you were to talk
less about politics

and more about her private side,
I believe she might be impelled

to make some exclusive,
newsworthy revelations.

Besides, with Sally smedley
doing the interview,

it might be wise to avoid
some of the heavier issues.

While I respect and
admire her immensely

as a talented professional,

she does make a bucket of pig
shit look like a member of mensa.

I'm not sure that's entirely fair.

Oh, I think it is.

Which is why, of course, she
won't be doing the interview.

Will she, George? Er, well...

That's not what I was
led to understand.

I should warn you, the pm's schedule
can suddenly become very full

at very short notice.

But I'm sure that won't be a problem,

as Sally's doing the interview.

Or Henry.

I'm sure the Prime Minister
welcomes intelligent questions

putting the other point of view.

He chuckles

oh, must tell that one to the
chaps back at the office.

Until you've sorted yourselves out, I
won't waste any more of your time.

Or mine. Have a nice day.

Everything will be
absolutely fine, Gerry.

Door slams we never agreed on Sally.

Er, not strictly speaking.

Not speaking anyhow, unless we did
it accidentally in Lithuanian.

Well, you go with Henry as
interviewer, if you want.

You're calling the
plays from the huddle.

You're the professionals
and I respect your...

He shouts: Sod it!

If this interview doesn't go
ahead, we'll all get fired.

So you damn well decide what you like.

Door slams

Jesus, that's amazing. He
just said what he means.

God, he must be under
incredible pressure.

He's probably worried sir royston's
gonna get heavy about this.

Yes.

You don't think sir royston will
get heavy about this, do you?

George, it's got to be Henry.

Excuse me, love? Don't call me, "love".

Sorry, darling, can
you shove over a bit?

Dear, oh, dear. I reckon this lot
dates back to ethelred the unready.

Yes, actually... all
your wiring's buggered.

If you ask me, the plumbing
looks knackered, too.

And you've got stress
fractures in your beams.

In fact, I reckon the only
thing keeping this building up

is the woodworm holding hands.

George, promise me you won't cave
in over this interview business.

Listen, Alex, I am not
going to cave in, ok?

I am an experienced news editor,

I am used to dealing
with pressure situations

and I am not going to be
intimidated, all right?

All right.

Phone rings

yes? Oh, hello, sir royston.

Absolutely, I think Sally
is the perfect choice

for this interview as well.

Nope. No problem.

Who was that? Wrong number.

Uh, these terrible stomach pains.
Wish I knew what it was.

It's probably sir royston-a-phobia.

Key symptoms of this disease
include turning to jelly

at the sound of sir royston's voice.

Well, I think I've got something.

Do you realise, that when
I wake up some mornings,

as soon as I think about coming
to the office, I throw up.

That's normal, George,
everybody here throws up

at the thought of you
coming into the office.

Morning, Henry. Piss off, Judas.

Do think we could all make a start?

Now, what about the
European common currency?

Sounds horrendous, doesn't it?

The ecu, I wonder what
the coin will look like?

It'll probably have Jacques
delors' head on one side

and Helmut kohl's arse on the other.

I see bush is still having trouble
getting his budget through.

Looks like all Reagan's
deficit spending

is finally coming home to roost.

Impersonates Reagan: Gee,
George, I just put it all down

on the credit card.

Right, team, now, are we all
geared for this pm's visit?

I want all the, er, doors
oiled and the desks polished.

Oh, pride and professionalism.

We have to look, sleep,
breathe, smell professional.

Oh, and, by the way, our pot
plants aren't in flower.

We need to get some that are.

Gus, this is the Prime Minister
visiting us, not Jesus Christ.

Exactly.

Now, what if while she's here,
she needs to go to the toilet?

Surely she doesn't need to do that.

We need to give her the key to the
executive washroom. Yes, we shall.

Pride, professionalism and efficiency.

Do you realise, that at a certain
royal naval establishment,

someone followed the Duke
of Edinburgh into the bog

and bottled one of his movements?

It's true. Used to keep it in a jar
of formaldehyde above the bar.

Is this strictly relevant?

No, I just thought it was interesting.

Can we get on?

Someone actually fished out the
Duke of Edinburgh's... please!

Mouths: Can we get on?

We are talking about vitally
important things here.

Now, I want the litter bins empty

and no half-eaten Mars
bars on the desk.

Course they used to take it
down whenever he visited...

Shut... mouths: Up!

I've been thinking about
the actual interview.

Good, now that's good.

Could we find out in advance
what the pm will have on?

So I can work out what
colour outfit best matches.

Let's do that. Let's get onto that now.

I don't suppose anybody's
thought of the actual questions

we're going to be asking her.

I did have one idea.

If we call it, "Sally meets Margaret."

Stress the informality.

What about, "the sal and madge show"?

What sort of chair do you
think I should have?

One we can plug in.

Oh! Henry!

We are losing time.

Let's move on, move up,
move out and kick ass!

Let's not let sir royston down.

Let's remember the word of the week.

Pride. Professionalism. Efficiency.

Keenness, teamwork and no cock ups.
Yeah!

Do you think he's cracking up?

Let's hope so.

Now, Parkinson's speech,

apparently, is going to be all
about civilising the car.

Jesus wept! I mean, who
writes these catchphrases?

How do you civilise a
car, teach it Latin?

Yeah, does seem rather stupid to
be investing more in our roads.

Yeah, it is stupid, innit? About
as stupid as this wiring.

Would you mind not barging
in as if you own this place?

Ooh, sorry.

Phone rings

hello? Yeah. Yeah, all
right, I'll tell him.

A mr gower.

He says, "any questions about
how the Tory party's funded,

"she's out the door."

Boy imitates car horn

psst.

Thud

ow! Argh!

The hopeless misery of
this abandoned orphan

is just one of the sad symptoms of
this small, but brutal conflict.

Throughout this troubled country,

scenes like this are becoming
all too commonplace.

Well?

Well, the children were
all so bloody cheerful.

I can hardly do a
tragic human cost piece

in front of a load of laughing
kids doing cartwheels.

This just isn't good enough.

I seem to recall hearing the phrase,

"next time, Damien, I fire you."

Well, yes. Yes, you did.

So?

Well, yes, yes I am
going to fire Damien.

What?

At least I'm going to strongly
recommend that option to Gus.

Oh, that's all right, then.

I'm going home.

Night, night, sweetheart.

Night, night, bollock brain.

Tell me, Prime Minister,
do you think motherhood

gives a politician a special insight?

Er, Sally. What is it? I'm practising.

Yeah, it's just that I've got
some lobsters coming tomorrow,

are you interested?

Dave, I am preparing to interview
the Prime Minister of our nation,

am I likely to be
interested in lobster?

You're so right, Prime Minister.

Good. That's good, Sally.

Coming along... nicely.

God.

You all right, Gus?

You know what he called me?

A mediocrity.

Who? Sir royston. Last week.

You know something else?

He's right.

That's why I've got to do it.

Get up, kick out, move arse,
because I'm a medi-bloody-ocrity.

God!

Suppose you're not
interested in a lobster?

You know... it's easy
if you're like Alex.

And you've got talent.

It's easy if you're like you and
you're completely bloody hopeless.

But when you're average, you
have to fight, steal, cheat

and work bloody hard! Just
to stay where you are.

That's what we mediocrities have to do.

Isn't it, Sally?

Sorry, Gus, I don't
quite get your drift.

God. What?

Oh, my god. What?

Our mineral water's French!
She'll go bloody mad!

I've gotta buy some
crates of malvern water.

Move arse, get up, kick out, move!
Go, go, gussy!

Look, what exactly are
you trying to do?

I'm exactly trying to get
your neon sign working.

Do you know, I reckon this wiring
predates king xerxes of persia.

Get on to our temp agency quick.

I think our receptionist's too ugly.

Three hours. Three hours. She's
gonna be here in three hours.

Gus, could I have a quick word?
If it's very quick.

Gus, I've found more evidence of
unacceptable behaviour by Damien

and this time I think we
should fire him. Fine.

Well, if that's how you...
What? Whatever you say.

Right. Though there
is the other point...

No, no, no. You do what you say,
I have no time for all this.

No, but... fire him
if you want, George!

Right.

Hi, Damien. Hmm.

George, we need to
follow up the erm entry.

Yes, for instance, did the timing

have anything to do with
the Tory party conference?

Do bears shit in the woods?

Well, government insists
it was a coincidence.

Yeah, like it was a coincidence
that president Kennedy died

on the same day that he was
hit in the brain by a bullet.

'Ere, darling, did I tell ya? What?

My gran's a great fan of yours.

In a home, of course, poor old soul.

Personally, I prefer the other one.

The alcoholic.

Do you think we could get on?

George, have you seen this report?

Britain's becoming the world centre
for reprocessing dangerous waste.

It's a disgrace.

Well, I don't think it's fair.

We never seem to send any of
our toxic rubbish abroad.

What are you talking about?

Andrew Lloyd Webber's got
three shows on Broadway.

Is this really true that
Kenneth Clarke says that,

"hardly any patients express
complaints about the nhs"?

Yeah, well, they're all dead.

So, George, have you, er,
spoken to Gus about firing me?

Oh, yes, I have.

And he, erm, he wants
to think about it.

But I'm warning you, Damien, one
more piece of irresponsibility

and you're out. Is that understood?

Absolutely, George. I
like him, he's good.

No, no, no. No desk.

We don't want a physical barrier
between the pm and her interviewer.

But my notes... where
will I keep my notes?

In your head. No, silly suggestion.

We'll just have a low table
between the two of you,

flowers on it for softness.

Now, I want your lighting to suggest
sunlight dancing on the back wall.

A pastel backdrop to
emphasise her vulnerability

and we'll have to swap positions,
the pm's left is her good side.

Everything else is entirely up to you.
Excellent.

Wait a minute, my left
side is my good side, too.

Shame, but then she's Prime
Minister and you're not.

Everything all right, sergeant?

Not entirely, sir. The sniffer
dogs are acting a bit strangely,

it's this rather odd
odour, sort of... fishy.

You never said they'd be live.

Yeah, well, they keep fresh that way.

Well, they're horrible. Just
look at them, crawling around.

What do you expect them to do,
the lambada? They're lobsters.

That... that one reminds me of George.

They're all bendy.

Yes, they're bendy, they're
invertebrates. They've got no spine.

Clicks fingers that's why
it reminds me of George.

Actually, I don't think you'll find
anything explosive down there.

Yes, that's what I've heard.

Sorry, sir. They can be
very persistent. Come on.

I'm, er, I'm sorry about that, Gerry.

Now, the pm will need some water.

To drink or to walk on?

Highly amusing. We'll
get some straightaway.

What sort of glass would you like?
Erm, half pint, tumbler? Wine glass?

We have some with our logo on?
Er, anything.

Anything it is then, if that's
what you want, we'll get it.

Actually, we have some antique cut
glass. Or maybe a pewter tankard?

Oh, my god! What's happened?

Electrician: The main
fuse box has blown.

Dave: Mind me lobsters!

George: Never mind your bloody
lobsters, get these lights back on.

Not a hope, the wiring in here's
a right Hampton court of a maze.

Eric the bloody navigator couldn't
find his way around this...

Will you shut up?! How long
is it gonna take to fix?

24 hours, minimum. Uh.

Oh, the emergency lighting's come on.

Are we going to be able
to record in this?

No. Absolutely not. It's
a security nightmare.

Besides, we don't want
some half arsed interview

with the pm holding up
a bicycle lamp, do we?

I'm calling it off.
I'll let the boss know.

But my interview.

Flushed... down the
toilet of fate, my dear.

Oh, I am enjoying this.

What happened to my interview?

What's happened to my lobsters?

Right, I'm suing you. And you.
In fact, I'm suing all of you.

My whole career was
building to this moment.

Have you any idea what I've put
myself through to get this far?

The deportment classes,
the dental adjustments,

the endless slimming.

And now, just when I'm perfect,
you go and wreck everything.

It's just too dreadful.

I may as well just go
and slash my wrists.

I'll fetch a razor blade.

Thank you, Henry. Let's all
just calm down, shall we?

Think what we're going to do now.

Everything's going to be fine.

Gus? Gus, they've
cancelled the interview.

I'm sure it'll be a big success.

Pride and professionalism.

Progress and performance.

Teamwork, leadership.

Dave, get a nurse up here
with some medication.

I still haven't found all my lobsters.
Just do it.

I'll go.

Health and hygiene, hope and hanker.

Trinidad and Tobago.

Right, well, I suppose I'd
better ring sir royston

and tell him the interview's
not going ahead.

Thank you, Alex, I'm perfectly
capable of making that call.

Are you? Yes.

I shall break the news to him
with great calm and dignity.

Because I have composure,
because I have confidence,

because I have a lobster
in my briefcase.

George, I'm sorry about that.

Went a bit odd back there.
Must be a bit tired.

Yes. But you're all right now, are you?

Oh, absolutely. Don't
worry, 100% in control.

So, when's president Kennedy
arriving for this interview?

'We'd better cover this
report about poor standards

'in casualty departments.'

'don't tell me, I cut my
head open the other week,

'went to casualty, it was three
hours before anyone saw me.'

'three hours before a doctor saw you?'

'no, it wasn't a doctor, it was
seven hours before a doctor saw me.

'I was in dreadful pain.'

'well, you know what they say,
pain is just your body's way

'of telling you Kenneth Clarke
is minister for health.'

'did you see that Clarke
was prepared to sacrifice

'300 million quid more in cuts
than the treasury was asking for?'

'yeah, that was a very
embarrassing memo

'to have leaked from
your office, wasn't it?

'Someone stitched him up really badly.'

'yeah, well, now he
knows what it's like

'to be a patient in
casualty, doesn't he?'

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