All language subtitles for Drop The Dead Donkey s01e09 Death Disaster N Damien.eng

And now, drop the dead donkey.

This episode was first shown

in a week when the labour party
held its annual conference

and the two germanies became one.

And yet the carnage continues.

The death squads are still at work

and it is here, in this quarry,

that the people pay the tragic
price for the rebellion.

Listos!

Apunten!

Whoa, hold it, hold it.

Sorry, we've got a
problem with the sound.

Er, momento, por favor.

No problem.

Keep rolling.

Been busy? Si, si.

Oh, right, we've fixed that.
So, well, all yours.

Ok.

Look, we'll do it
without the voice-over.

Listos!

Apunten!

Fuego! Gunshots

that's good? No, that's not good.

You looked at the bloody camera!

Que? Erm, you look...

No, I mean, we can't use that.

No good?

Damien sighs

are you shooting anyone else today?

Huh?

Erm, you, you know, shoot
another one, bang, bang?

Erm, un otro?

No, no more. Tomorrow maybe.

Well, could you pull
forward one of tomorrow's?

No, no, no, no.

Oh, look, erm...

I'll tell you what.

Why not shoot him again?

Again?

Esta muerto. He dead. He stiff.

Well, yeah, but, erm...

Look, look, hold it a minute.

Erm, arretez.

Stop, stop.

You see, if, erm...

If we could sort of prop is head up...

And shoot again? Well,
yes, you'll be on TV.

You know, cinema.

Hollywood. You know, a big star.

Ok, shoot again, no problem. Great.

We'll start when we've finished this.

Yeah, that ought to do it.

Can you hold this, Jerry?

Well, we'll do the
opening in-vision, ok?

Just give me three.

And yet the carnage continues.

The death squads are still at
work and it is here in this...

Jerry, have you got any gaffer tape?

Ok, come on, this time.

And yet the carnage continues...

Jesus!

Very funny, Jerry.

I don't believe it. What
don't you believe, George?

Damien.

He got them to execute
the same man twice.

Three times, I heard.

By the time they finally got his
head superglued to the post,

he'd run out of film.

What are you looking at
those rushes for anyway,

they're old, aren't they?

We're supposed to be putting
together a feature on south America.

And with Damien in hospital,
I've got to edit it.

George, we've got more pictures in

of the German unification celebrations.

I'm telling you, unification
is a huge mistake.

History shows you just
can't trust the Germans.

Oh, come on, Henry, it's
been a long time since '39.

I'm not talking about '39. I'm
talking about the world cup!

The way they deliberately got
gazza booked, it was a disgrace.

Now, Sarah's sending us a
piece from east Berlin

about the unrealistic expectations
of some of the east Germans.

"Hello, I am now a citizen
of united Germany.

"Please, may I have
my video and fridge?"

It's not going to be easy, is it,

switching overnight from
socialism to capitalism?

Well, the labour party managed it.

That reminds me. We've got
to be on our best behaviour

during these party conferences.

And we agreed, no pictures
of delegates yawning,

looking bored, or falling asleep.

Well, how are we going to cover
Roy hattersley's speech?

George, Alex, can I have a word? Sure.

Now, this isn't going to be an inquest.

What isn't? I'm perfectly satisfied

that you weren't responsible
for Damien's accident.

"Internal inquiry" would be
far too strong a phrase.

All I want is for you, me and
Alex to have a little...

..I wouldn't even want to
call it a "discussion".

How about "witchhunt", then?

Hey, troops...

..If there's any responsibility
to be taken, it stops...

..Right here. Good.

Wait a minute, this is my desk.

So, when's your paper
going to use this?

Well, it's part of a raw
courage series were doing

about people who have done
particularly brave things.

And we've got you, a bomb
disposal expert, a deep-sea diver

and a man who spent three days in
a balloon with Richard Branson.

I've already interviewed
your boss, George dent.

Ah...

He was very complimentary about you.

Was he?

Yes.

He said you were the only
reporter he'd ever known

who could find dead bodies
before the vultures.

Now, Damien, you must have been
in danger thousands of times,

but I understand these leg injuries

are the first time you've
been seriously hurt.

No, I was hit by a bullet in the Sudan.

Oh, were you severely injured?

Oh, no, it had already
lost a lot of its force

as it had already passed through
my cameraman and soundman.

Oh, dear.

I suppose your crews are
very important for you.

Oh, not always.

The piece where I got injured, I did
myself with a lightweight camera.

That one, actually.

Yes, it's seen a lot, that lens.

Mm, I'm sure.

I do know a bit what it's like.

Well, I worked briefly
in northern Ireland

and I have seen, you know, dead people.

How many? Well...

..A couple.

I've seen hundreds.

Four major wars, I've covered.

Three assassinations.

Seven train crashes. And
that's only the big ones.

Four famines.

Two earthquakes.

Countless gas explosions.

Yes, I may be young, but...

..I've seen so much human suffering.

Sometimes, I want to cry.

But I can't.

Because I've got a job to do.

You can write all that
down, if you want.

Right, erm...

..What I was particularly
interested in was how your legs

were injured in this way. Oh, that.

Oh, well, that all started
about a week ago.

Now, George dent, our editor,

you see, he was very keen
that I do this story...

George, where are we going to put
electricity in the running order?

Oh, god, 18...

George, there's a story
I want to cover.

Yes, all right, hang on.
We're still on electricity.

Has everyone had these stupid letters

inviting us to buy shares in
the electricity industry?

All: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's totally pointless,
this privatisation.

Not at all. It'll mean, if
you're not happy with the prices

charged by your regional electricity
company, you'll have a choice.

What choice?

Well, you can move house.

Or, if that isn't practical, you can
dig a huge hole beneath your house,

tunnel 60 miles to a
neighbouring electricity region,

burrow up underneath a power station
with your jump leads, whack them on,

climb back down into the tunnel,

feeding out 60 miles'
worth of cable as you go,

then climb back up into your house

and attach the cable to the fuse box.

Piece of piss.

Look, George, what about my story?
Yeah, wait a minute, wait a minute,

there's this sex scandal story.

Oh, come on, Dave, that's just a rumour.
It is important.

She is a prostitute and
he is a junior minister.

There are serious
security implications.

Well, having met him at henley,

I find it very difficult to believe
he'd consort with prostitutes.

Me, too. I always thought
he was into little boys.

We don't report gossip.

Now, Damien, you were saying...

Yes, George, I want to do something

on one of these animal
liberation groups.

Now, I've got a contact and I feel
it would be a very relevant piece.

They're not extremists, are they?

You know, the sort that break
into animal laboratories.

George, obviously, I
would shoot the piece

in a responsible and sensitive way
that examined the underlying issues.

And had lots of close-ups
of two-headed baboons.

Hey, look, not at all, all right?

George spoke to me yesterday

about my responsibilities
as a broadcaster.

And, well, I've taken
all that on board.

Look, I am not just some monster

who's only obsession is
getting a good story.

Yes, you are.

That's why you're such
a successful reporter.

Well, I'm prepared to trust
Damien's word on this one.

Obviously, I shall want all
the details in writing.

Of course. Right, if that's all...

George, what is going on?

Why did you use the words "Damien"
and "trust" in the same sentence?

Well, he came to me and
said that he respected me

as an experienced broadcaster.

He said that? Yes. And he
agreed that, in future,

he'd be more responsible

and pay more attention
to journalistic ethics.

And I believe him.

You poor lamb, George.

Now, of course, this piece will be
great publicity for your cause.

And it'll be a sympathetic portrayal.

I just want to film you in action.

You mean, like, picketing fur
shops, handing out leaflets?

Exactly. Picketing fur
shops, handing out leaflets,

raiding laboratories,
that sort of thing.

We don't actually go on raids.

What, not even small ones?

No.

Right. Sure. I mean, that's up to you.

I mean, I suppose that
a piece about people

who talk a lot about animal rights

could be just as interesting
as a piece about

the daring front-line warriors
of animal liberation.

I always said we should go on raids.

I've been on raids with the
last group I belonged to.

It was crap. Why?

Because we weren't allowed to use
any animal products, like wool.

You try running around the countryside

in a bloody nylon balaclava.

The sweat, it's terrible!

More to the point, you see, we've no
experience in that sort of action.

Well, I doubt if it's that difficult.

I imagine all you do is pick a target.

Like what? Well, I don't know.
Like, erm...

..Denman breeder's, for example.

Who?

Well, they have a number
of farms that breed dogs,

and there's one in Suffolk that
breeds beagles for experimentation.

Actually, I think I've got
some pictures of the puppies.

Look...

Aw...

They are sweet!

Aw...!

Now, there are those who believe that

preventing them from being
tortured justifies direct action.

We've got to raid it.

Well, that decision's
entirely up to you.

We've no idea how to go about it.

Yes, that is a bit difficult, isn't it?

Erm, I mean, I've got a few local
maps and a ground plan of the farm,

if that would help.

And that's when they
produced a ground plan?

That's right. They were very organised.

Naturally, I pointed out that

I wouldn't be able to accompany
them on the raid as...

Well, that would be crossing
that unwritten ethical line

that we reporters always respect.

And what is that line?

It's...

Well, it's unwritten.

You've got to be responsible. You
take last Friday, for example.

Now, a story had just broken

and my colleagues and I sat down
to assess its newsworthiness

in a measured and responsible way...

But can we be sure it's
the minister's bottom?

Well, the prostitute swears it is.

It's a clear breach of security.
Oh, look, so what?

Is this story really important?

I mean, my animal lib piece is
far more socially relevant.

I hope you're treading a
careful line on this one.

These animal libers haven't
come up with any plans

to do anything illegal? No, George!

Look, I can say, with
my hand on my heart,

that they haven't come up
with a single plan. Good.

George, it has come to my attention

that we are allowing Damien to
glamorise the evil terrorists

in the animal liberation movement.

Well, they're not exactly terrorists.

Yes, they are.

Last week, quite unprovoked, they
poured this red paint over me.

Just because I was wearing a fur coat.

They completely ruined my evening.

They shouted, "mink is murder" at
me in front of all my friends.

Morons.

It isn't mink, it's sable,
which is far more expensive.

I just don't see why we're doing
a piece on them. It's typical!

Always sympathising with
muggers, never the victims.

God knows how difficult
red paint is to remove.

Actually, it probably wasn't red paint.
They don't use that.

It's ecologically unsound.
What do they use?

A mixture of red vegetable
dye and pig's urine.

And we're giving these pig's urine
hurlers free publicity, are we?

Well, it's not publicity.
It's coverage.

I'm confident that
Damien's going to produce

a well-balanced and objective piece.

Well spoken.

And I hope you were
listening to that, Damien.

We mustn't overbalance
the buggy on this one.

Oh, we won't, Gus.

We've got to be very careful.

Very evenhanded.

Lots of restraint.

Lots of fact checking.

Lots of objectivity.

And really very little sexy
ratings-pulling sensationalism.

Oh, don't worry, Gus,
there'll be plenty of action.

You know, people running
around with balaclavas on.

And I've picked this group
because the woman who leads them

is a real stonker.

You know, very televisual.

But won't her face be
hidden by a balaclava?

Yes, I'm working on that.

Look, can we go through
the plan once more?

I'm not clear what we do once
we've broken into the kennels.

Yeah, look, after you've daubed
the wall with slogans...

What slogans?

Well, "bastards", "murderers",
"murderous bastards",

take your pick.

Couldn't we just demonstrate instead?

But it's sort of like a
demonstration, really.

Just with the added
element of forced entry.

Talking of which, here
are your balaclavas.

Great! That one's yours, Lou.

40% nylon? Yeah, all right, all right.

Yeah, but I'll get that rash again!
Look, don't worry.

Damien, this is a bobble hat.

Yes, Lou. You see, I thought
that you, as leader,

should be free to give commands.

But don't worry, I'll make sure that
the camera never sees your face.

Oh, by the way, I wanted to ask you,

do your lot throw paint at
people who wear fur coats?

We did it once, but the smell from
the paint kept making me sick.

So, it wasn't you who got Sally
smedley, the newsreader?

She wears a fur coat?

I'd love to pour paint over her!

Do you want her address?

So...

..What did Damien do then?

You wanted me, George? Oh, yes.

I want to do a follow-up on
the un summit for children.

You know, what positive
action is Thatcher proposing?

Well, apparently, she's
going to ensure that

all children affected by famine

are given grants to start
up small businesses.

That's rather cynical, David.

Are you saying the prime
minister isn't concerned

about the plight of children worldwide?

No.

No, I take it back. She
must be very concerned.

After all, every child who dies
is a lost photo opportunity.

So...

..What did Damien do next?

Well, things really started
to hot up the next day.

You know, when Sally came
in in that terrible mood...

Bastards! Bastards! Blasters!
Bastards! Bastards!

Sally's in a bad mood this morning.
Is she?

She seems perfectly normal to me.

This woman threw red paint at me
last night as I was leaving my flat.

And I wasn't even wearing a fur coat.

Someone's given them my address.

Well, not necessarily.

Well, either that, or there are
people roaming the streets

clutching tins of red paint on
the off-chance of seeing me.

Now, which do you think is more likely?

All: There are people
roaming the streets

clutching tins of red paint...

Yes, thank you, children.
I'm seeing Gus about this.

Er, excuse me.

Security sent me up.

I'm from the catford
animal rights group.

I'm looking for Damien day.
Oh, are you?

Well, then, you've come to the right
place. I'm Damien's secretary.

What? Thank you, Dave.

I'll deal with this.

So, what's the problem?

Well, Damien said only to speak to him.

Oh, well, it's ok. He
discusses everything with me.

I mean, I know exactly what you're
doing. So, what is it you want?

Well, can you tell him I'm
having a little trouble

getting hold of the bolt cutters?

The bolt cutters? For the raid.

Oh, the raid, of course!

Er, have you got the new
address for the target?

Is there one? Well,
which one have you got?

Just denman breeder's
farm, burnstead, Suffolk.

Oh, fine. That's all right, then.
That's the right one.

Well, I'll give him the message
about the bolt cutters.

So, you'll be seeing him, then?
Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I'll be seeing him.

I feel betrayed, Damien.

You betrayed my trust.

And I ban you from going on that raid.

It's an illegal act.

Technically.

Look, anyhow, George, it's
almost impossible to pull out

at this late stage.

Oh, I think you'll find
it's possible, Damien.

I phoned up the farm
and the local police

and warned them of a possible break-in.

Thanks, Alex!

Now, if I might have a
private word with Damien.

Just to back you two up.

Damien...

Some more rumours about
this sex scandal.

What I don't understand
about this story is,

if there were these
orgies for top people,

why wasn't I invited?

Well, I expect the other
men thought that,

if they invited you, then they
wouldn't get a look-in, Henry.

Yes, that would explain it.

Now, Damien, first, let me say that
I'm right behind George on this one.

There's really no way we
could pursue this report.

Right, Gus.

At least, certainly not
in its present form.

But George said we
couldn't pursue it at all.

He did, didn't he?

And we should listen to that.

You know how much respect
I have the George.

Yes, I do, Gus.

This is Damien day reporting.

Tonight, I met at a secret rendezvous

with members of the animal
liberation organisation

and found myself physically abducted

in order to provide coverage
of one of their raids.

What?!

Cut.

It's that button there.

What's this about abduction?

Well, they wouldn't show it otherwise.

And why have we changed targets?

Oh, that's for security reasons.

But this is another
denman breeding farm

and it's very probably being used
for exactly the same purposes.

No, Alice. Alice, it's
that button there.

We now appear to have
reached the target.

And I gather that, in a few
seconds, the raid will begin.

So, can we go now?

Ok.

And do try to look a little
bit threatening, won't you?

Oh, for heaven's sake,
stop holding hands!

So, what happened was,
these people abducted you?

That's right.

And against your will,
in the dead of night,

they drove you to the farm
to release the beagles? Yes.

And then Damien helped them
to break into the farm? Yes.

And they opened up the area
where the dogs were kept? Yes.

So, at what point did they realise
that this farm bred rottweilers?

I think it became
apparent fairly rapidly.

I'm surprised Damien was
the only one injured.

He wasn't. Three of
the animal lib people

are still in intensive care.

Sally wants to send them all
"serves you right" cards.

Well, I have to say,

our sweetbreads are on the chopping
block over this one, George.

You're taking a lot of flak.

I don't see why we should
carry the can on this.

We?

Well, don't worry, George.

As always, you have
my complete, utter...

..And wholehearted backing.

Shit, you're in trouble now, George.

So, Damien, censured by your own
company, severe leg injuries,

three civil suits from
animal liberationists

and pending police charges.

Are you looking for a quieter life
when you're fit to resume work?

Well, Jane, I was thinking of
trying to sneak into Kuwait

to get some good pictures. Kuwait?

Oh, come on, you're a journalist,
you know what it's like.

I need that buzz you get when the
blood and the bullets are flying,

that rush of excitement,
that hit, that fix.

I mean, that's why
foreign correspondents

can never hold down a relationship.

I mean, sex is just an anti-climax.

Oh, no.

My camera is my woman.

Of course, no-one ever says that.

But, well, I'm sure all
reporters feel the same.

No...

No, I don't think they do.

What?

I think it's just you.

Ha! Yeah, good one.

Commotion outside
what's all that noise?

Oh, it's all the press boys waiting
for the statement on the transplant.

Transplant?

Yeah, the heart transplant with
this revolutionary new technique.

Oh, they're doing that here? Yeah.

Interesting, isn't it, this
speech that Thatcher's made

about the women in history she admires?

Who are they?

Queen boudicca and Catherine the great.

Uh-huh.

So, her role models are a warrior queen

who cut the penises off dead
soldiers and stuck them on poles

and a despotic nymphomaniac
who raped horses.

Yes, suddenly, the last 11 years
begin to make perfect sense.

Telephone rings hello?

This Damien business is
going to be the end of me.

That and having the strain
of running this office.

The stress of having to
provide firm leadership.

One day, you'll have to do it, Alex.

One day, you will, George.

Hey, it's Damien on the phone.

What? Damien?

He says, can you save him five
minutes on the 6 o'clock bulletin?

Monitor beeps

scissors.

Scissors!

Forceps.

Yes.

Now, let's see, what's down here?

Gus: How's it going, troops?
Any exciting stories breaking?

Alex: No, just more stuff
from the labour party promo.

Sorry, conference.

Yes, of course, we are giving
labour a lot of coverage this week.

We must heed these new
guidelines on balance.

Perhaps we should give Norman
tebbit a right of reply.

Oh, yes. Hang on, we've got a
speech by Thatcher on the Gulf.

I'll give Saddam Hussein a ring and
see if he wants to have his say.

And we've got an interview with
the archbishop of Canterbury,

so we'd better have a five-minute
piece from a satanist.

Yes, yes, Alex. I think
you're missing the point

about this new impartiality clause.

Now, maybe we should invite
Woodrow Wyatt on to explain.

You'd have to balance
his point of view.

Yeah. So, who would you get
to balance Woodrow Wyatt?

Well, I suppose it would
have to be a human being.

Alex, I want to talk to
you about your attitude.

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