Original subtitles

And now, drop the dead donkey.

This episode was first shown in a week

when Chris patten's white paper on the environment

proved less than green.

When John Major talked of a possible recession.

And mrs Thatcher deliberated over joining the exchange rate mechanism.

..But it is in this daily, desperate scramble for bread

that the full tragedy of the Gulf crisis hits home.

It's a grim struggle for survival as this sad tidal wave of humanity

descends upon this beleaguered border crossing...

Look, hold it. Cut, will you, Jerry?

Oi!

Oi, come back! Come here!

Oi, Ahmad!

Yeah, problem? Yes, there bloody well is.

Look, tell them to come back.

And tell them to keep snatching at the bread until I say cut.

I mean, we need more of the snatching business, right, Jerry?

Well, you will have to provide more bread

if you want them to carry on longer. On my tiny budget?

I mean, this lot cost me a fortune as it is.

Just tell them to bring the bread back while we do a retake, ok?

Er...

I don't think that will be possible.

Oh, god, I don't believe this!

Well, they've buggered off with all the bread!

The selfish gits.

What am I supposed to shoot now, for god's sake?

Well, I've still got a bit.

Yes, you do.

But how am I supposed to do a sad tidal wave of humanity piece

with one arab and a half-eaten bread roll?

It might just need camerawork.

Shut up.

You see, George, this is what I have to put up with on this budget!

I could wail a bit, if you like.

Ah... oh, shut up.

Cut, will you, Jerry? I can beat my chest.

Look, I said, cut!

Well, he may not be the most responsible reporter in the world,

but he does have a point, Gus.

I mean, his budget is so tight he can't compete with our rivals.

I hear what you're saying, George. But the recession has started.

And the only way we can divert resources

is if we cut back on waste in other areas.

I mean, our phone bills are astronomical.

And I bet a lot of these calls are personal.

Oh, no, no. I'm constantly sending round very strict memos on that.

I'm very strong on that sort of thing.

Yeah, yeah, all right, all right.

There's no need for physical threats.

I'll pay back the money, I promise.

No.

No, I'd rather not leave my testicles with you as security,

if it's all the same with you.

Look, you will get the money back.

Reuters.

I'm targeting waste, George.

Waste is the line-backer who blitzes the touchdown pass of viability.

That's what I always say.

Well, I think Gus is right.

We waste a lot of money here on totally pointless items.

We certainly do.

Alex, don't think I don't know what's going on here.

You feel threatened by my success.

And that's understandable.

I, however, am secure enough in what I do

to rise above this unprofessional bitching.

Now, I'm nipping down to the canteen.

Can I get you something? Some fruit, perhaps?

Only, that's supposed to be quite good for patchy complexions.

Sally, someone to see you.

Coming!

Here lies Sally smedley, 1959 to 1990.

What? Just dreaming.

Listen, look, there's some more on mad cow disease spreading to pigs.

Apparently, a pig developed bse after its brain was injected

with diseased bits of cattle spine.

God, you can't do anything these days, can you?

You can't eat beef. You can't eat pork.

You can't inject your brain with diseased cattle spine.

We must do something on this environmental white paper.

What exactly does it say, Dave?

Well, basically, Chris patten's going to save the planet

by introducing strict controls

on people playing their records too loud.

These are for me?

They're just beautiful!

I'm your biggest fan, Sally.

Every day, when the news is on, you light up my room.

I think you're wonderful.

Oh, that's lovely.

Thank you, erm...? John.

John. Thank you, John.

Would you like a signed photograph of me?

No, thanks.

I've already got 68.

Oh, Henry.

Henry, this is John.

He brought me these lovely flowers because he thinks I'm wonderful.

So? I'm not a psychiatrist.

Don't mind him, John. He's just sad and past it.

Oh, Jenny, would you hold these flowers for me?

Well, John, it's been lovely meeting you.

But I'm afraid I've got to go to work now.

Ok, I'll wait here. Sorry?

I'll wait for you here.

Ah, no, well, you see, I'm going to work in the studio

and I won't be back in the office until late tonight.

Well, 10 or 11 o'clock maybe.

Well, that's ok, I don't mind. I'll just wait for you here.

I'm your guardian and protector.

Lovely.

Fetch security.

You deserve to be protected. And cherished.

Like a rare orchid.

Well...

..Absolutely.

Henry, don't jot notes on our posh letterheaded paper.

It's wasteful. Which reminds me, Dave...

Oh, no, no, come on, love, come on.

No, you know it's not just sex between us. It's deeper than that.

Dave...! All right, George.

Listen, I'll call you back, love, ok?

A word, in my office, now.

Commotion

what the hell is going on out there? George, security here is a joke!

Any passing fruitcake is allowed to just breeze in and corner me.

If he'd had a knife, he could have killed me.

If, if, always if.

The saddest word in the English language.

Then who rattled your cage, methuselah?

Now, George, I'm phoning my agent about this. I want some action.

All right, all right, back to work, everyone.

Alex, I want to see des from security.

Dave, in my office.

Henry, you're still using the letterheaded stuff!

Oh, hell's bells, George, go away.

I'm trying to prepare for this interview with John Major.

You can never get a straight answer out of him.

He calls a recession a "necessary slowdown".

A slump is a "disinflationary phase".

The man is a complete arsehole.

Or as he'd put it,

"a long-term necessary break in the rectal downflow."

Yes, well, I want an intelligent discussion with major

on the recession, ok? Ok.

Dave...

Well, I think all this talk about the recession is exaggerated.

You wouldn't believe what I saw the other day.

My cleaning lady and her husband eating in a restaurant.

Well, I hope you cut her wages.

Dave...

You've got to pull your socks up.

You're always on that phone making personal calls.

You seem to be in constant financial difficulties.

Now, when you concentrate, your work's good.

But I need a commitment from you that you'll sort yourself out.

I'm sorry, George, erm...

I promise, I'll sort myself out.

Good.

Actually, on the subject of sorting myself out,

I was wondering if the company could loan me �3,000 against my salary.

No, Dave. No way.

This is a gambling debt, isn't it?

It's a liquidity problem I have with a loan company.

I just don't understand you.

You're an intelligent enough bloke.

You get yourself into such deep water.

Well, I could end up in even deeper water if these guys get hold of me.

Oh, I see. Loan sharks.

Well, I don't see how the company can help.

I mean, Gus is eyeballing the accounts every day at the moment.

I think he'd spot �3,000.

Well, couldn't you disguise it under expenses?

Disguise �3,000, what as?

Lunch with Luciano Pavarotti...

..Followed by drinks with George best

and group sex with pamella bordes?

No, I'm sorry, Dave.

Have you tried Henry? I'm sure he could spare it.

Well, after the business where I got him to invest in that racehorse,

he said, and I paraphrase here,

that he wouldn't urinate in my pocket if my gonads were ablaze.

Alex hasn't got that sort of money. Damien's away.

Have you tried Sally?

She said, did I "seriously think that a megastar

"would consider lending that sort of money

"to a shabby, non-descript ruffian

"who perpetually indulges in sarcasm at her expense?"

So, I took that as a no.

Of course, there is one other person I haven't approached yet.

I mean, I didn't want to ask before

cos I didn't want to, you know, presume...

No, I'm sorry, Dave, I can't.

I mean, we're struggling financially at the moment.

Especially now me and Margaret have discovered we've got subsidence.

All this dry weather, it's terrible. Cracks everywhere.

The house looks like a bloody Jigsaw.

And it's sliding down the hill so fast

we'll soon become an 071 number.

No, I'm sorry, Dave.

You're just going to have to find a way, that's all.

That's all right, George. I understand.

I think I'll, er...

..Take a walk in the park...

..Consider my options and have a good cry.

Gus and his bloody economy drive!

He has installed time switches on the lights in the toilets.

You get about ten seconds and then you're plunged into total darkness.

I've just spent the last two minutes

trying to dry my hands under the tampax machine!

Did you call des from security?

Yes, he says he'll be up when neighbours is finished.

Anything new in?

Nothing much. We've got some figures in

linking bankruptcies with increased cases of arson.

That's an idea.

Perhaps John Major could burn Britain down for the insurance.

We'd better watch out, Gus might try burning down the office.

Erm, Alex, I want a memo.

All our correspondents in the middle east...

..No more camels.

They keep sending back pictures of tanks driving past camels.

Aeroplanes taking off past camels.

Ships sailing past camels.

Camels walking past camels.

Because we have to keep showing the same footage over and over again.

It's ridiculous.

Listen, George, it's time you got off your arse

and tackled Gus about these cutbacks.

Oh, great!

You want me to tackle Gus. Damien wants more money.

Gus wants me to run this operation for 40p a week.

And Dave wants to borrow a mere �3,000.

Well, if you've all quite finished,

maybe I'll actually be allowed to get on with some work

without being interrupted by any more

of these totally unrealistic demands.

Right, I want the buildings sealed and all the staff strip searched.

My purse has gone.

Coins jangle in his pocket

don't get nervous, George.

Who's to say I'm nervous?

It's obvious when you're nervous, you jangle your change.

Relax.

I am relaxed.

Oh, god, Sally's coming in.

Coins jangle furiously

George, it's an hour since my purse went missing.

Now, I'm giving you two options.

Either you call the police or I call the police.

Let's just think this thing through calmly, shall we?

Now, how much was in the purse?

All my credit cards and �1,200 in cash.

I opened a wine bar last night.

Now, I want the police called in now, George.

Now, let's just stop and think a second.

Alex, any thoughts?

She gets �1,200 for opening a wine bar?!

Perhaps you put it down somewhere and forgot.

George...!

No, look, bear with me. Let's...

Let's just retrace your steps.

Oh, god, I've spilled coffee on your desk.

Sorry, Henry. Oh, that's all right, my dear.

I knew there was some reason for taking the European.

I was over here. I took some money out of my purse.

I went to the coffee machine.

And when I came back, the purse was gone.

Hm...

So...

..You went over there.

Oooh...!

The purse was over here.

With 1,200 quid in it. For opening a wine bar.

Yes, yes, all right.

If the purse was stolen, whoever took it...

..Took it then. Urgh...!

Brilliant, Holmes. That was uncanny.

Hi, team. Everybody happy?

Well, no, not really, Gus. Erm...

Can I borrow you for a microsecond, coach?

Gus...

I've just been power lunching with some crack business consultants.

And they have identified the fatty areas that we need to shed.

Namely, overtime...

..Videotape...

..And satellite charges.

Well, what do you think?

Fine. So, when the war breaks out in the Gulf,

we ask them only to shell each other between the hours of nine to five,

do us a drawing of the damage, and send it back by carrier pigeon.

Gus, news is gathered around the clock.

There doesn't seem to be much gathering going on at the moment.

Yes, well, er, Sally's purse has been stolen

and she wants ten villages shot every hour until somebody confesses.

Hm, tricky situation.

A very tricky situation.

And one which I know you'll handle beautifully.

As ever.

Gus, we need more staff in security, more resources generally.

And I really don't think these cuts are a good idea.

Ok, George, I'll mull it. You mull it.

And then we'll both meet for a de-mull.

Ciao!

Right, George, Sally's solved the mystery.

Oh?

Well, it's not very hard to work out.

It must have been an inside job.

My purse was stolen by someone who works in the office.

Oh, don't be ridiculous. Who?

Well, there's one obvious suspect, isn't there?

Dave.

Dave?

He tried to touch me for �3,000 yesterday. Oh, come on!

And he was sitting there all the time.

So, he had the motive and the opportunity.

Dave would never steal, I've known him for years.

Well, perhaps he's very clever.

He's kept a clean slate all these years

knowing that, when he steals, no-one will ever suspect him.

Like a sleeper.

Oh, for god's sake!

No, I'm sorry, stop me if I'm wrong, Alex.

He's in debt. He's gone missing.

And let's face it, he does have some pretty unsavoury contacts.

Look, Dave is an honest, ordinary bloke.

Now, where did you get this idea he mixes in murky, criminal circles?

Hi.

I fell over in the park.

What's the problem?

Er, well, erm, Sally's purse has gone missing and, well...

She thinks you took it.

What?!

I didn't take your stupid purse!

Well, in that case, you won't mind being searched, will you?

I most certainly would!

Well, perhaps you've got something to hide.

George, this �1,200 for the wine bar opening was paid to me in �50 notes.

1,200 for opening a wine bar?!

It's my belief you'll find them somewhere about his person.

Now, if we search him... That won't be necessary, Sally.

Oh, but it is necessary, George. It's very necessary.

I've been robbed and I've a pretty shrewd idea who the thief is

and I want the police called. Excuse me...

Oh, brilliant!

Security are giving the psychos a safe escort into the building now!

I asked him to bring me in because there's...

..There's something I've got to say.

You see, er...

I'm sorry, Sally.

I betrayed your love.

Oh, it's all there.

I took it as a keepsake.

I couldn't resist it, I'm afraid,

having something that belonged to you, that was part of you.

But when I got it home and lay on my bed, well, er...

..Those 68 photos of you on my walls just kept looking at me and, er...

Well, I knew I'd done wrong, so, er...

..I came back.

Well, that was a very brave thing to do, John.

What are you talking about?

He stole my purse.

I'm going to press charges!

Oh, come on, Sally.

Yes, he only took it because he's mad about you.

No, no, no, I'm sorry. Someone has to stand up for the rule of the law.

Let him off and you're simply encouraging the public

to go round stealing purses off newsreaders.

The law is there to protect us.

Quite right.

Which is why I'm suing you for slander.

I'm sorry?

I'm suing you for slander.

You called me a thief in front of witnesses.

I think I have a pretty strong case.

Dave, I'm not sure legal action is necessary.

Oh, but it is necessary, Sally.

It's very necessary.

Of course, I might be persuaded to drop the whole matter

if you'll do the same for John here.

Oh, that.

Well, I was never serious about pressing charges.

I was just trying to frighten him.

I think you succeeded.

Of course, if it does go to court, I'll get considerable damages

and you'll get considerable bad publicity.

Look, Dave, perhaps I could help you out with a couple of hundred

with that financial problem.

No, actually, Sally, I don't want your money. I do have some pride.

I want an apology.

I see.

Well, I apologise.

"I'm sorry, Dave, that I called you a thief."

I'm sorry, Dave, that I called you a thief.

"And I apologise for being a spiteful, paranoid cow

"with pig shit for brains."

Anyone got sir David napley's phone number?

I...

..Apologise for being a spiteful, paranoid cow...

..With pig shit for brains.

Oh, that's all right, sal.

Don't you worry about it, mate. Off you go, John.

I just want you to know, Sally, I don't regret anything.

The years I've spent loving you...

..Have been the happiest of my life.

Goodbye.

Poor sod.

What are you talking about?

You heard him, I've illuminated his life.

I've been his reason for being.

Poor sod.

All right, drama over.

Dave... in your office.

Thank you. Back to work, everybody.

That bloody time switch in the loo, it's set at about nine seconds.

Then out goes the light and you're pissing into a great, black void!

Well, I'm charging Gus for these ruined shoes!

I know what people think.

That I don't notice what goes on around here, but...

..I keep my eyes open.

You've been beaten up, haven't you?

There's no fooling you, is there, George?

All right, to save your neck, just this once,

I'll lend you the money.

And god knows how I'm going to square this at home.

And I want a promise from you...

..That you're going to stop all this gambling nonsense.

I promise, George.

I don't know what to say.

I'll pay you back.

Hey, Alex, look.

Look...

George has bailed me out. Isn't that nice of him?

God, that's amazing.

I suppose he felt bad when he saw the way

you'd been beaten up by those loan sharks.

Ah...

Well, you were beaten up by the loan sharks, weren't you?

Er, well, not strictly speaking, no.

You see, er...

Listen, don't spread this around,

but I've been seeing someone who's married.

You mean the wife of Geoff thorpe in accounts?

Yeah. Yeah, that's right.

Who had a fling with that motorbike messenger.

Yeah.

Yeah, well, anyway, I was taking a walk in the park

and I bumped into Geoff.

Or rather, I bumped into Geoff's fists.

I think he might have found out.

So, you didn't tell George who'd beaten you up.

Well, he didn't ask.

I should tell him, really. What if he finds out?

George never finds out.

I mean, this cheque will save me

from a more professional beating from the loan sharks.

No, I'll tell him.

Next month.

Alex, this has just come in.

Oh, right, more divisions in the cabinet

on when Britain should join the erm.

Why's it called the erm?

Because every time someone suggests joining it, Thatcher goes,

"erm..."

Good afternoon, team. Are we ok? You bet!

Splendid.

Oh...

By the way, Alex, erm, did we really have to mention that

two of the convicted guinness conspirators

were friends of the Prime Minister?

We've got to think about balance. Good point, Gus.

Well, we'll just emphasise that

the Prime Minister has a number of friends that aren't criminals.

Nice use of humour.

George...

Have you been mulling my cuts?

Erm, well, yes. But I'm still opposed to them.

I'm sorry, I just don't think they're a very good idea.

George, you are so right.

Yet again.

Am I? Absolutely.

I've had another look at figures, and you're right.

There is an alternative.

We don't need to make all these cutbacks.

We can find the savings another way.

Oh, good.

How's that? Redundancies.

Redundancies?

Yes, it's no good just tinkering at the margins.

We need to slash the heart of the problem.

Salaries.

We must identify anyone who's superfluous.

Geoff thorpe in accounts is going to give me a run-down.

The poor chap has broken his hand.

He fell over in the park.

Thanks for being so firm with me earlier, George.

It showed me that there were two options.

Savings or redundancies.

Not easy to decide, is it?

Are you ok, George?

You're not worried about anything, are you?

Erm, no, no, no, not at all.

Good.

Well, I'll leave you to have another mull.

Pocket coins jangle furiously

George, some stuff coming in from Damien on the satellite.

There'd better not be any camels in this.

Ok, here we go.

It's a grim struggle for survival

as this sad tidal wave of humanity descends...

Come on, get out of here! What is this, Damien?

Oh, look, come on, Bob, I'm trying to record a piece here.

Yeah, with our bread. Come on, man, just get out of shot.

Our network paid for this! Look, leave that!

Congratulations, Bob. You have just ruined my piece.

I've ruined your piece? You've stolen our bread!

We paid 250 bucks for that bread.

250?

You see, George, these people have sensible money.

I'm going to make you pay for this. Oh, you and who's army?

Urgh!

Take your hands off me, you son of a bitch!

George: Some more grim news on the economy.

Thatcher's blaming it on the war with Iraq.

Henry: Oh, yes, of course, the recession began just eight weeks ago

when they invaded Kuwait.

Oh, she's always blaming someone.

She blames businessmen, the media, Mars being in the house of Jupiter.

Pathetic.

What else is breaking?

There's this big increase in the crime figures.

Apparently, that's the fault of the general public

for not being careful enough.

They're going to start prosecuting mugging victims

for going equipped to be beaten up.

Or wilful bleeding on the pavement.

Well, personally, I think this increase in the crime rate

is extremely frightening. You don't have to tell me, George.

Last night, I was mugged by a ruthless gang of thugs.

Really? Yes, I stopped for some petrol.

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