All language subtitles for Drop The Dead Donkey s01e08 The Root Of All Evil.eng

And now, drop the dead donkey.

This episode was first shown in a week

when Chris patten's white
paper on the environment

proved less than green.

When John Major talked
of a possible recession.

And mrs Thatcher deliberated over
joining the exchange rate mechanism.

..But it is in this daily,
desperate scramble for bread

that the full tragedy of
the Gulf crisis hits home.

It's a grim struggle for survival
as this sad tidal wave of humanity

descends upon this beleaguered
border crossing...

Look, hold it. Cut, will you, Jerry?

Oi!

Oi, come back! Come here!

Oi, Ahmad!

Yeah, problem? Yes,
there bloody well is.

Look, tell them to come back.

And tell them to keep snatching
at the bread until I say cut.

I mean, we need more of the
snatching business, right, Jerry?

Well, you will have
to provide more bread

if you want them to carry on longer.
On my tiny budget?

I mean, this lot cost
me a fortune as it is.

Just tell them to bring the bread
back while we do a retake, ok?

Er...

I don't think that will be possible.

Oh, god, I don't believe this!

Well, they've buggered
off with all the bread!

The selfish gits.

What am I supposed to shoot
now, for god's sake?

Well, I've still got a bit.

Yes, you do.

But how am I supposed to do a sad
tidal wave of humanity piece

with one arab and a
half-eaten bread roll?

It might just need camerawork.

Shut up.

You see, George, this is what I
have to put up with on this budget!

I could wail a bit, if you like.

Ah... oh, shut up.

Cut, will you, Jerry?
I can beat my chest.

Look, I said, cut!

Well, he may not be the most
responsible reporter in the world,

but he does have a point, Gus.

I mean, his budget is so tight he
can't compete with our rivals.

I hear what you're saying, George.
But the recession has started.

And the only way we
can divert resources

is if we cut back on
waste in other areas.

I mean, our phone bills
are astronomical.

And I bet a lot of these
calls are personal.

Oh, no, no. I'm constantly sending
round very strict memos on that.

I'm very strong on that sort of thing.

Yeah, yeah, all right, all right.

There's no need for physical threats.

I'll pay back the money, I promise.

No.

No, I'd rather not leave my
testicles with you as security,

if it's all the same with you.

Look, you will get the money back.

Reuters.

I'm targeting waste, George.

Waste is the line-backer who blitzes
the touchdown pass of viability.

That's what I always say.

Well, I think Gus is right.

We waste a lot of money here
on totally pointless items.

We certainly do.

Alex, don't think I don't
know what's going on here.

You feel threatened by my success.

And that's understandable.

I, however, am secure
enough in what I do

to rise above this
unprofessional bitching.

Now, I'm nipping down to the canteen.

Can I get you something?
Some fruit, perhaps?

Only, that's supposed to be quite
good for patchy complexions.

Sally, someone to see you.

Coming!

Here lies Sally smedley, 1959 to 1990.

What? Just dreaming.

Listen, look, there's some more on
mad cow disease spreading to pigs.

Apparently, a pig developed bse
after its brain was injected

with diseased bits of cattle spine.

God, you can't do anything
these days, can you?

You can't eat beef. You can't eat pork.

You can't inject your brain
with diseased cattle spine.

We must do something on this
environmental white paper.

What exactly does it say, Dave?

Well, basically, Chris patten's
going to save the planet

by introducing strict controls

on people playing their
records too loud.

These are for me?

They're just beautiful!

I'm your biggest fan, Sally.

Every day, when the news is
on, you light up my room.

I think you're wonderful.

Oh, that's lovely.

Thank you, erm...? John.

John. Thank you, John.

Would you like a signed
photograph of me?

No, thanks.

I've already got 68.

Oh, Henry.

Henry, this is John.

He brought me these lovely flowers
because he thinks I'm wonderful.

So? I'm not a psychiatrist.

Don't mind him, John. He's
just sad and past it.

Oh, Jenny, would you hold
these flowers for me?

Well, John, it's been
lovely meeting you.

But I'm afraid I've got
to go to work now.

Ok, I'll wait here. Sorry?

I'll wait for you here.

Ah, no, well, you see, I'm
going to work in the studio

and I won't be back in the
office until late tonight.

Well, 10 or 11 o'clock maybe.

Well, that's ok, I don't mind.
I'll just wait for you here.

I'm your guardian and protector.

Lovely.

Fetch security.

You deserve to be protected.
And cherished.

Like a rare orchid.

Well...

..Absolutely.

Henry, don't jot notes on our
posh letterheaded paper.

It's wasteful. Which
reminds me, Dave...

Oh, no, no, come on, love, come on.

No, you know it's not just sex
between us. It's deeper than that.

Dave...! All right, George.

Listen, I'll call you back, love, ok?

A word, in my office, now.

Commotion

what the hell is going on out there?
George, security here is a joke!

Any passing fruitcake is allowed
to just breeze in and corner me.

If he'd had a knife, he
could have killed me.

If, if, always if.

The saddest word in
the English language.

Then who rattled your cage, methuselah?

Now, George, I'm phoning my agent
about this. I want some action.

All right, all right,
back to work, everyone.

Alex, I want to see des from security.

Dave, in my office.

Henry, you're still using
the letterheaded stuff!

Oh, hell's bells, George, go away.

I'm trying to prepare for this
interview with John Major.

You can never get a
straight answer out of him.

He calls a recession a
"necessary slowdown".

A slump is a "disinflationary phase".

The man is a complete arsehole.

Or as he'd put it,

"a long-term necessary break
in the rectal downflow."

Yes, well, I want an intelligent
discussion with major

on the recession, ok? Ok.

Dave...

Well, I think all this talk about
the recession is exaggerated.

You wouldn't believe what
I saw the other day.

My cleaning lady and her husband
eating in a restaurant.

Well, I hope you cut her wages.

Dave...

You've got to pull your socks up.

You're always on that phone
making personal calls.

You seem to be in constant
financial difficulties.

Now, when you concentrate,
your work's good.

But I need a commitment from you
that you'll sort yourself out.

I'm sorry, George, erm...

I promise, I'll sort myself out.

Good.

Actually, on the subject
of sorting myself out,

I was wondering if the company could
loan me �3,000 against my salary.

No, Dave. No way.

This is a gambling debt, isn't it?

It's a liquidity problem I
have with a loan company.

I just don't understand you.

You're an intelligent enough bloke.

You get yourself into such deep water.

Well, I could end up in even deeper
water if these guys get hold of me.

Oh, I see. Loan sharks.

Well, I don't see how
the company can help.

I mean, Gus is eyeballing the
accounts every day at the moment.

I think he'd spot �3,000.

Well, couldn't you disguise
it under expenses?

Disguise �3,000, what as?

Lunch with Luciano Pavarotti...

..Followed by drinks with George best

and group sex with pamella bordes?

No, I'm sorry, Dave.

Have you tried Henry? I'm
sure he could spare it.

Well, after the business where I got
him to invest in that racehorse,

he said, and I paraphrase here,

that he wouldn't urinate in my
pocket if my gonads were ablaze.

Alex hasn't got that sort of money.
Damien's away.

Have you tried Sally?

She said, did I "seriously
think that a megastar

"would consider lending
that sort of money

"to a shabby, non-descript ruffian

"who perpetually indulges
in sarcasm at her expense?"

So, I took that as a no.

Of course, there is one other
person I haven't approached yet.

I mean, I didn't want to ask before

cos I didn't want to,
you know, presume...

No, I'm sorry, Dave, I can't.

I mean, we're struggling
financially at the moment.

Especially now me and Margaret have
discovered we've got subsidence.

All this dry weather, it's terrible.
Cracks everywhere.

The house looks like a bloody Jigsaw.

And it's sliding down the hill so fast

we'll soon become an 071 number.

No, I'm sorry, Dave.

You're just going to have
to find a way, that's all.

That's all right, George. I understand.

I think I'll, er...

..Take a walk in the park...

..Consider my options
and have a good cry.

Gus and his bloody economy drive!

He has installed time switches
on the lights in the toilets.

You get about ten seconds and then
you're plunged into total darkness.

I've just spent the last two minutes

trying to dry my hands
under the tampax machine!

Did you call des from security?

Yes, he says he'll be up
when neighbours is finished.

Anything new in?

Nothing much. We've got some figures in

linking bankruptcies with
increased cases of arson.

That's an idea.

Perhaps John Major could burn
Britain down for the insurance.

We'd better watch out, Gus might
try burning down the office.

Erm, Alex, I want a memo.

All our correspondents
in the middle east...

..No more camels.

They keep sending back pictures
of tanks driving past camels.

Aeroplanes taking off past camels.

Ships sailing past camels.

Camels walking past camels.

Because we have to keep showing the
same footage over and over again.

It's ridiculous.

Listen, George, it's time
you got off your arse

and tackled Gus about these cutbacks.

Oh, great!

You want me to tackle Gus.
Damien wants more money.

Gus wants me to run this
operation for 40p a week.

And Dave wants to borrow a mere �3,000.

Well, if you've all quite finished,

maybe I'll actually be allowed
to get on with some work

without being interrupted by any more

of these totally unrealistic demands.

Right, I want the buildings sealed
and all the staff strip searched.

My purse has gone.

Coins jangle in his pocket

don't get nervous, George.

Who's to say I'm nervous?

It's obvious when you're
nervous, you jangle your change.

Relax.

I am relaxed.

Oh, god, Sally's coming in.

Coins jangle furiously

George, it's an hour since
my purse went missing.

Now, I'm giving you two options.

Either you call the police
or I call the police.

Let's just think this thing
through calmly, shall we?

Now, how much was in the purse?

All my credit cards and �1,200 in cash.

I opened a wine bar last night.

Now, I want the police
called in now, George.

Now, let's just stop
and think a second.

Alex, any thoughts?

She gets �1,200 for
opening a wine bar?!

Perhaps you put it down
somewhere and forgot.

George...!

No, look, bear with me. Let's...

Let's just retrace your steps.

Oh, god, I've spilled
coffee on your desk.

Sorry, Henry. Oh, that's
all right, my dear.

I knew there was some reason
for taking the European.

I was over here. I took
some money out of my purse.

I went to the coffee machine.

And when I came back,
the purse was gone.

Hm...

So...

..You went over there.

Oooh...!

The purse was over here.

With 1,200 quid in it.
For opening a wine bar.

Yes, yes, all right.

If the purse was stolen,
whoever took it...

..Took it then. Urgh...!

Brilliant, Holmes. That was uncanny.

Hi, team. Everybody happy?

Well, no, not really, Gus. Erm...

Can I borrow you for a
microsecond, coach?

Gus...

I've just been power lunching with
some crack business consultants.

And they have identified the fatty
areas that we need to shed.

Namely, overtime...

..Videotape...

..And satellite charges.

Well, what do you think?

Fine. So, when the war
breaks out in the Gulf,

we ask them only to shell each other
between the hours of nine to five,

do us a drawing of the damage, and
send it back by carrier pigeon.

Gus, news is gathered around the clock.

There doesn't seem to be much
gathering going on at the moment.

Yes, well, er, Sally's
purse has been stolen

and she wants ten villages shot every
hour until somebody confesses.

Hm, tricky situation.

A very tricky situation.

And one which I know
you'll handle beautifully.

As ever.

Gus, we need more staff in security,
more resources generally.

And I really don't think
these cuts are a good idea.

Ok, George, I'll mull it. You mull it.

And then we'll both meet for a de-mull.

Ciao!

Right, George, Sally's
solved the mystery.

Oh?

Well, it's not very hard to work out.

It must have been an inside job.

My purse was stolen by someone
who works in the office.

Oh, don't be ridiculous. Who?

Well, there's one obvious
suspect, isn't there?

Dave.

Dave?

He tried to touch me for
�3,000 yesterday. Oh, come on!

And he was sitting there all the time.

So, he had the motive
and the opportunity.

Dave would never steal,
I've known him for years.

Well, perhaps he's very clever.

He's kept a clean slate all these years

knowing that, when he steals,
no-one will ever suspect him.

Like a sleeper.

Oh, for god's sake!

No, I'm sorry, stop me
if I'm wrong, Alex.

He's in debt. He's gone missing.

And let's face it, he does have
some pretty unsavoury contacts.

Look, Dave is an honest,
ordinary bloke.

Now, where did you get this idea he
mixes in murky, criminal circles?

Hi.

I fell over in the park.

What's the problem?

Er, well, erm, Sally's purse
has gone missing and, well...

She thinks you took it.

What?!

I didn't take your stupid purse!

Well, in that case, you won't
mind being searched, will you?

I most certainly would!

Well, perhaps you've
got something to hide.

George, this �1,200 for the wine bar
opening was paid to me in �50 notes.

1,200 for opening a wine bar?!

It's my belief you'll find them
somewhere about his person.

Now, if we search him... That
won't be necessary, Sally.

Oh, but it is necessary, George.
It's very necessary.

I've been robbed and I've a pretty
shrewd idea who the thief is

and I want the police called.
Excuse me...

Oh, brilliant!

Security are giving the psychos a
safe escort into the building now!

I asked him to bring me
in because there's...

..There's something I've got to say.

You see, er...

I'm sorry, Sally.

I betrayed your love.

Oh, it's all there.

I took it as a keepsake.

I couldn't resist it, I'm afraid,

having something that belonged
to you, that was part of you.

But when I got it home and
lay on my bed, well, er...

..Those 68 photos of you on my walls
just kept looking at me and, er...

Well, I knew I'd done wrong, so, er...

..I came back.

Well, that was a very
brave thing to do, John.

What are you talking about?

He stole my purse.

I'm going to press charges!

Oh, come on, Sally.

Yes, he only took it because
he's mad about you.

No, no, no, I'm sorry. Someone has
to stand up for the rule of the law.

Let him off and you're simply
encouraging the public

to go round stealing
purses off newsreaders.

The law is there to protect us.

Quite right.

Which is why I'm suing you for slander.

I'm sorry?

I'm suing you for slander.

You called me a thief
in front of witnesses.

I think I have a pretty strong case.

Dave, I'm not sure legal
action is necessary.

Oh, but it is necessary, Sally.

It's very necessary.

Of course, I might be persuaded
to drop the whole matter

if you'll do the same for John here.

Oh, that.

Well, I was never serious
about pressing charges.

I was just trying to frighten him.

I think you succeeded.

Of course, if it does go to court,
I'll get considerable damages

and you'll get considerable
bad publicity.

Look, Dave, perhaps I could help
you out with a couple of hundred

with that financial problem.

No, actually, Sally, I don't want
your money. I do have some pride.

I want an apology.

I see.

Well, I apologise.

"I'm sorry, Dave, that
I called you a thief."

I'm sorry, Dave, that
I called you a thief.

"And I apologise for being
a spiteful, paranoid cow

"with pig shit for brains."

Anyone got sir David
napley's phone number?

I...

..Apologise for being a
spiteful, paranoid cow...

..With pig shit for brains.

Oh, that's all right, sal.

Don't you worry about it, mate.
Off you go, John.

I just want you to know, Sally,
I don't regret anything.

The years I've spent loving you...

..Have been the happiest of my life.

Goodbye.

Poor sod.

What are you talking about?

You heard him, I've
illuminated his life.

I've been his reason for being.

Poor sod.

All right, drama over.

Dave... in your office.

Thank you. Back to work, everybody.

That bloody time switch in the loo,
it's set at about nine seconds.

Then out goes the light and you're
pissing into a great, black void!

Well, I'm charging Gus
for these ruined shoes!

I know what people think.

That I don't notice what
goes on around here, but...

..I keep my eyes open.

You've been beaten up, haven't you?

There's no fooling
you, is there, George?

All right, to save your
neck, just this once,

I'll lend you the money.

And god knows how I'm going
to square this at home.

And I want a promise from you...

..That you're going to stop
all this gambling nonsense.

I promise, George.

I don't know what to say.

I'll pay you back.

Hey, Alex, look.

Look...

George has bailed me out.
Isn't that nice of him?

God, that's amazing.

I suppose he felt bad
when he saw the way

you'd been beaten up
by those loan sharks.

Ah...

Well, you were beaten up by
the loan sharks, weren't you?

Er, well, not strictly speaking, no.

You see, er...

Listen, don't spread this around,

but I've been seeing
someone who's married.

You mean the wife of Geoff
thorpe in accounts?

Yeah. Yeah, that's right.

Who had a fling with that
motorbike messenger.

Yeah.

Yeah, well, anyway, I was
taking a walk in the park

and I bumped into Geoff.

Or rather, I bumped into Geoff's fists.

I think he might have found out.

So, you didn't tell George
who'd beaten you up.

Well, he didn't ask.

I should tell him, really.
What if he finds out?

George never finds out.

I mean, this cheque will save me

from a more professional
beating from the loan sharks.

No, I'll tell him.

Next month.

Alex, this has just come in.

Oh, right, more divisions
in the cabinet

on when Britain should join the erm.

Why's it called the erm?

Because every time someone suggests
joining it, Thatcher goes,

"erm..."

Good afternoon, team.
Are we ok? You bet!

Splendid.

Oh...

By the way, Alex, erm, did we
really have to mention that

two of the convicted
guinness conspirators

were friends of the Prime Minister?

We've got to think about balance.
Good point, Gus.

Well, we'll just emphasise that

the Prime Minister has a number
of friends that aren't criminals.

Nice use of humour.

George...

Have you been mulling my cuts?

Erm, well, yes. But I'm
still opposed to them.

I'm sorry, I just don't think
they're a very good idea.

George, you are so right.

Yet again.

Am I? Absolutely.

I've had another look at
figures, and you're right.

There is an alternative.

We don't need to make
all these cutbacks.

We can find the savings another way.

Oh, good.

How's that? Redundancies.

Redundancies?

Yes, it's no good just
tinkering at the margins.

We need to slash the
heart of the problem.

Salaries.

We must identify anyone
who's superfluous.

Geoff thorpe in accounts is
going to give me a run-down.

The poor chap has broken his hand.

He fell over in the park.

Thanks for being so firm
with me earlier, George.

It showed me that there
were two options.

Savings or redundancies.

Not easy to decide, is it?

Are you ok, George?

You're not worried about
anything, are you?

Erm, no, no, no, not at all.

Good.

Well, I'll leave you
to have another mull.

Pocket coins jangle furiously

George, some stuff coming in
from Damien on the satellite.

There'd better not be
any camels in this.

Ok, here we go.

It's a grim struggle for survival

as this sad tidal wave
of humanity descends...

Come on, get out of here!
What is this, Damien?

Oh, look, come on, Bob, I'm
trying to record a piece here.

Yeah, with our bread. Come on,
man, just get out of shot.

Our network paid for this!
Look, leave that!

Congratulations, Bob. You
have just ruined my piece.

I've ruined your piece?
You've stolen our bread!

We paid 250 bucks for that bread.

250?

You see, George, these
people have sensible money.

I'm going to make you pay for this.
Oh, you and who's army?

Urgh!

Take your hands off me,
you son of a bitch!

George: Some more grim
news on the economy.

Thatcher's blaming it
on the war with Iraq.

Henry: Oh, yes, of course, the
recession began just eight weeks ago

when they invaded Kuwait.

Oh, she's always blaming someone.

She blames businessmen, the media,
Mars being in the house of Jupiter.

Pathetic.

What else is breaking?

There's this big increase
in the crime figures.

Apparently, that's the fault
of the general public

for not being careful enough.

They're going to start
prosecuting mugging victims

for going equipped to be beaten up.

Or wilful bleeding on the pavement.

Well, personally, I think this
increase in the crime rate

is extremely frightening. You
don't have to tell me, George.

Last night, I was mugged by
a ruthless gang of thugs.

Really? Yes, I stopped for some petrol.

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