All language subtitles for Drop The Dead Donkey s01e07 The New Approach.eng

Man: And now...

This episode was first shown in a week

when French farmers
attacked English lamb,

George best appeared
somewhat merry on wogan,

and Britain announced it was
sending tanks to the Gulf.

God, George, you look awful.

It's this insomnia.

Laid awake half the night, and
then, when I finally did nod off,

I had this awful anxiety dream.

I was being hanged for witchcraft.

And the hangman took off his hood...

And it was paddy ashdown.

According to Freud, that's a
very common dream, being hanged.

What does Freud say it signifies, then?

Fear of impotence, I think.

Impotence.

Well, that would explain paddy ashdown.

Before Gus gets here for
this meeting of his, erm...

And I've got this strange
rash round my elbows.

George, before Gus gets
here, what do we want to do

about which city's gonna
get the Olympics?

Actually, I think Dave's got
the latest on that. Dave?

Well, look, I hate that part
of it just as much as you do.

Yeah.

No, I don't think now's a
good time to tell him.

Dave! Oh, look, listen, I've got to go.

Yes, you know I do, yeah.

Ok, bye.

It was my insurance broker.

What can I do for you?
1996, the Olympics?

Ah, yeah, the whisper is,
it's gonna be Atlanta.

What? Oh, god. Not another
American Olympics.

I can just see the opening ceremony.

The teenage mutant hero turtles
singing the star-spangled banner.

Greetings, team!

This is Geoff.

Geoff is from people count ltd,

the world's leading consultancy
on workplace stress.

Now, I'm sure we'd all
like to welcome him.

Welcome, Geoff. Why are you here?

Oh, it's spread to my stomach now.

He's here because the weekend
course that I attended,

how sick are your staff?,

showed me that our working
methods are inflexible,

unresponsive and, worst of
all, they promote stress.

Geoff. What are the early signs of
stress that we should look out for?

Well, Gus, basically, various
key indicators, like insomnia,

anxiety dreams, short attention span.

A morbid obsession
with trivial symptoms,

sudden changes of mood,
temper tantrums...

Stabbing people?

Sarcasm, irrational aggression.

These are all possible indicators
of a build-up of stress.

And together with Geoff,

we'll be embarking on a programme
to help you all identify

and deal with stress.

And to this end, we've decided
to turn the conference room

into an anti-stress room.

That's right. And in the room,
you'll find this dummy,

which you can pummel

to relieve the anxieties
imprisoned within your psyche.

God, I hate all this American bollocks.

I think you're being a
smidgen insular, Alex.

This strategy has worked
very well in Britain.

For example, for stressed computer
programmers in Milton keynes.

Of course they're stressed,
they live in Milton keynes!

Now, I'm sure we'll all
respond to this challenge

with a sense of purpose and direction.

I got drunk in Milton keynes once.

I ended up in bed with a
female ventriloquist.

Yes, well...

It's very strange when the wardrobe
asks, "how was it for you?"

Yes, I sense we may be straying
down tangent boulevard here,

so I suggest that we
end this meeting now.

If that's ok with everyone?

George! Could we have
a quick head-to-head?

Yeah, sure. George?

Now, there's a rumour that our farmers

may be attacking French lorries

to stop them bringing
cheese into Britain.

Oh, right, erm... well, see
if you can get some pictures.

I'll do my best.

George? You got my note about modelling

for that mail order catalogue?
That is ok, isn't it?

Er, well... it's just I'm
very keen to diversify.

I'd like to see Sally
smedley, the newsreader,

explode in lots of
different directions.

Wouldn't we all (!) Well, George?

I'll give it my
consideration, Sally, ok?

Now, I'm due in with Gus.

George? George? Do you fancy
a flutter on this horse

me and Henry just bought a share in?
It's a sure-fire cert.

George laughs derisively

"this horse me and Henry
bought a share in."

That's an interesting use of grammar,

considering I paid the whole �8,000.

I'll pay my share just as soon as my
cash flow starts flowing, honest.

I got another bill this morning,
�325 for stabling charges.

Where are they stabling
this horse, claridge's?

You'll get all that back
and a lot more besides

the day after tomorrow, when arab
grey wins first time out at sandown.

Yeah. Yeah. It's a green
citroen lorry, ok?

Now, you've got the registration
number, haven't you?

No, no, no. Don't worry.
I'll bring the kerosene.

George... stress is maladaptive.

Stress is aggression-friendly. And
worst of all, it's stigmatic.

No-one - no-one! - Likes to admit
there are victim of stress.

Why are you telling me this?

I'm just talking
generally about stress.

Yes, but I'm the only other
person in this room, aren't I?

So you can't be talking
generally at all, can you?

All right, George. I'll come clean.

There is a victim of
stress in this room.

And you're looking at him.

Oh, right. I mean, erm... oh.

Until now, George, I've
been a case study.

I've been secretive.
I've been distrustful.

Well, not any more!

From now on, I share my strategies
and objectives, George.

Here. Have a stress ball.

Now, have you got any feelings
you'd like to share with me?

Well... go on.

Well, it's just that, erm...

Well, if you really
expect us all to open up

and start sharing our
feelings, well, erm...

It's just not going to work.

Why not? Well, because...

Because, you know, because...

He tuts ..We're English.

We're just not very good at, erm...

I respect your input, George,
but I'd appreciate it

if maybe you kept your doubts on
a low flame on the back burner.

Ok? Yes, all right.

This is going to be a
growing experience, George.

We're all going to grow together.

Here, have another stress ball.

You seem to have pulled all
the fur out of that one.

The mail order catalogue people
have been onto my agent.

They're getting impatient, George.

The name "selina Scott"
has been mentioned.

Yes, well, er... I said
I'm considering it.

Well, how long does a spot of
considering take, for god's sake?

Honestly, it's like
working for a blancmange!

She just gets more and more
bad-tempered, doesn't she, Dave?

Well, I don't think it's sordid.

No. Our relationship is more than that.

Anyway, I've got to go now.
Yeah. Ok, bye.

Your, er, insurance broker?

He chuckles no, no.

It was my accountant.

Right, is there anything else breaking?

Yeah, there's more news
on the Maxwell story.

Apparently, Maxwell's million
was used to buy Gary lineker.

He bought lineker?

Well, you know, it was his kid's
birthday, the shops were shut.

Right, er, now, maybe
we should do a piece

on the strengths and weaknesses
of the challenger tank?

Well, the engine's poor.

It's not as reliable as
the German leopard 2

or the American Abrams,

and it came last in the
NATO field exercises.

I mean, basically, it's the
skoda of the tank world.

Why are we sending them to the Gulf?

Well, we're probably hoping
to claim on the insurance.

For god's sake, can't we
use beagles for this?

Yes, now, this polygraph records pulse,

blood pressure, other
stress indicators.

Ah! Now, that's interesting, Henry.

Your polygraph's just peaked,
which shows you're stressed.

I'm stressed because of this!

�825 deposit against racecourse fees.

Money well spent,
Henry, as you will see

when arab grey sails past the
winning post tomorrow afternoon.

Fancy a bet on him, Sally?

No, thanks, Dave, I'm not
very keen on racing.

Well, I go to ascot, of
course, I enjoy that.

You get such a lovely view
from the royal enclosure.

Oh, no!

Last year, I had a lovely chat with
princess Margaret between races.

She actually made a point of
coming over and talking to me.

What did she say?

She said, "as you're
already at the bar,

"do you think you could get me vodka?"

She's very nice. Very human.

Is my polygraph registering coma yet?

Dave, have we seen this?

There's more trouble over
these lesbian sex scenes

in this BBC play about
vita sackville-west.

Disgraceful! No respect, that's
the trouble. When's it on?

Tonight.

Now, there's also, erm... bbc2, is it?

Er, yes.

Now, there's also this story...
what time?

9:25. 9:25. Disgusting!

Can we stop talking about
lesbian sex scenes?

Only Henry's polygraph's
gone right off the paper.

You know, Alex, I wish you'd
been on Geoff's course.

What it demonstrated was that,
in any office situation,

you can break people down into
four basic personality types.

Adaptadeeders, conservaholders,
supportagivers and controlatakers.

It's terribly interesting!

I mean, what type would
you say George was?

A whinge-a-bungler.

Alex, I sense a certain
amount of resistance from you

towards this approach.

Are there perhaps personal pressures

which are diminishing your
receptiveness to new ideas?

Maybe we could explore this area?

Yes. Spot of boyfriend trouble, is it?

I beg your pardon?

Oh, it's just that George was
telling me you've had a bit of a...

Bumpy time with your young... Well,
your very young Greek fellow.

It's not of your bloody business! Gosh!

Yes, I think, actually, Gus, we're
running before we can walk.

No, I feel that Alex is hostile
towards our consultation strategy

because of her personal problems.

No, I'm hostile to this
consultation strategy

because it is the biggest waste of time

since Andrew Lloyd Webber
took piano lessons!

With respect, the whole
point of this strategy

is to make your team function better.

Well, if you really want
it to function better,

then I suggest that, instead of wasting

all this pseudo-psychiatric mumbo jumbo

on a totally sane,
unstressed person like me,

you should really be directing it

at a genuine stress-riddled
basket case like George!

Perhaps you could enlarge
on "basket case"?

George is a waste of two
filing cabinets' worth

of valuable office space.

Just half an hour ago,
his indecision cost me

a lucrative modelling contract.
He's weak, he's disorganised...

I, er... I think I got
this list off Alex.

Putting George to one
side, just for a second,

I rather wanted to concentrate

on the way you see your
own role here, Sally.

I hope you'll approach this
observation in a positive way.

I just wondered whether you
occasionally have a problem

with your attitude towards others?

I'm sorry, Gus, you've lost me.

Well, all I'm floating
is, if you were less...

Confrontational, would you
be, well, more popular?

I could hardly be more popular, Gus.

Last week, my fan mail
totalled 341 letters,

112 of them requesting photos.

Yes, I...

I was thinking more
in an office context.

You're saying I'm
unpopular in the office?

In some respects... yes.

And what basis do you
have for saying that?

Well, for a start, there's the, erm...
graffiti.

In the lift.

And in the toilet.

And in the canteen.

All of it not... totally
complimentary about you.

Yes, I think perhaps, Gus,

we're getting "overly specific" here.

Perhaps Sally could tell us what
other problems she perceives here.

Well, obviously, the general
quality of the staff.

I got this list from personnel,

I've asterisked all the
ones I feel are inadequate.

How helpful.

Oh, I see George has three asterisks.

Ah, George, George, listen, I, erm...

I need to borrow 50 quid to
put on my horse, you know?

My contact says it's a dead cert.

Dave, once before, you
told me about a horse

that was a sure-fire cert, remember?

Oh, yeah, yeah. Well, well,
that was just bad luck.

I mean, it's very rare for a race horse

to develop agoraphobia like that.

Hi, everything ok? Fine.

See, the thing is, this
horse is the brother

of desert orchid's cousin's sister.

And I am telling you,
it is an absolute...

That dummy's wearing a tie.

Yeah, yeah. The thing is, the horse...

It's very like my tie...

What? That tie.

It's just like my tie.

Look. See?

Well, it's like it, yeah,

but it's not absolutely
identical, is it?

I mean, there's a few
more stripes on this one.

It's very similar. George,
you're just being paranoid.

You always think things are
going on you don't know about.

Phone rings

hello?

It's your accountant.

She's crying.

Gus and Geoff want you, Damien.

By the way, your footage of
the angry English farmers

attacking that lorry... It
was terrific, wasn't it?

The way that's a lorry
driver was screaming

and waving his arms about,
the way the French do.

He was Belgian.

Sorry? He was Belgian.

The driver was Belgian.

The cheese was Belgian,

and the ambassador who
just rang me was Belgian.

He's saying you put
the farmers up to it.

Oh, come on, George, as if I'd...
we will discuss this later.

Now, get in there with Gus.

Perhaps we should do
something more on this spat

between tebbit and lord young
about young's autobiography?

You know, maybe interview
each of them in turn?

I don't know, tebbit's very
difficult to interview.

He always adopts the same position

that, basically, he's
the man in the pub.

Yeah, the unpleasant git at the
bar with the big space round him.

Well, it's easy to be critical,
but nobody's perfect.

You obviously haven't read
lord young's autobiography.

What part of your job strikes you
as the most stress-creating bit?

Oh, that's easy. Dealing with George.

Why do you say that?

Oh, because he's always imposing
silly restrictions, you know.

"Don't do close-ups on
fresh pools of blood,

"don't force entry
into people's homes."

You know, stupid, petty
things like that.

When you are out on a major
news story, some disaster,

something like that, what
exactly do you feel?

Ooh... well, it's difficult
to describe, erm...

I get this feeling of...

..Ecstasy, this...

It's so fulfilling and satisfying...

Oh!

Right, well, I think that tells
us all we need to know, for now.

Are you busy, Gus? Ah,
just winding up, ah...

Thank you, Damien.

Did you tell Sally she was unpopular?

Only she's going round, forcing
people to read her fan mail.

I tell you, all this stress therapy
is just destroying office morale!

It's a very worthwhile exercise.

We've just had a very interesting
session with Damien.

Yes, very interesting case study.

His polygraph records show

a personality completely stress free.

Really? Hmm.

Psychotic, but completely stress free.

The thing is, Gus...

You couldn't send in
Dave in, could you?

Yes, Gus.

Dave, the quacks want you.

Oh, no, no, no. I've got
the racing on the telly.

Arab grey's in the paddock,
he's looking superb.

Yes, well, you can just get in there
and suffer like the rest of us.

Ah, Henry, whilst I remember,

can you not put that little
sneer into your voice

every time you say the
words "Gerald kaufmann"?

Well, I'm trying, George.
It's involuntary.

It just seems to creep in.

Yes, well, could you try and
restrain it a little more?

Sally hums 'my favourite things'

everything all right, Sally?
Mm, fine, thanks.

Well, she seems to have relaxed a bit.

I had the same thing a few
years back with Leon britton -

whenever I said his
name, for some reason,

I'd always find myself...

It's wearing my cardigan now!

What?

The dummy's got my cardigan on!

You know, the blue one I
sometimes wear to work.

Well, it's, erm... yes,
it's similar, I suppose.

It's very similar.

Extremely similar.

Yeah, well, it's nearly
time for the afternoon...

I must watch my newly
acquired thoroughbred

annihilate the field in the 3:30.

Yes, right.

Damien: Hi, George. Hi, Damien.

All we're doing, Dave, is
giving you opportunity

to assess the way your private
life interacts with your job

and the way that this relationship...

What relationship? Who said
I'm in a relationship?

The relationship between your
personal life and work life.

Oh, right. I'm sorry.

Ah, you're gonna have to
excuse me, gentlemen,

because Henry's just reminded me

I've got to finish a
special feature on race.

You know, racial tension in the '90s,

more blacks in the police
force, that sort of thing...

Race announcer on TV:
'..Followed by sweet sue.

'And trailing in last place,
20, maybe 25 lengths behind,

'arab grey.'

and that's a magnificent animal, is it?

Well, maybe it didn't like the going.

It's only a two-year-old.

Probably prefer a right-handed course.

It's a pretty colour, isn't it?

Dave, are you in favour
of adoption? Hey?

Because it'll be the only
way you can have children.

I'm about to nail you to the
wall by your genitalia!

Hey, come on, lighten up, Henry! I
lost 50 quid as well, you know.

Well, technically, it
was Damien's 50 quid,

but I still lost... �50!

You persuaded me to sink
�8,000 in that anaemic nag!

I bought it, sight unseen,
on your recommendation!

This is what comes from
listening to morons

with all the brainpower of an
educationally subnormal amoeba!

Hey, listen, nobody calls me an amoeba!

Will you two shut up?
Grow up, for god's sake.

Now, come on, Gus wants us for
the group assessment session.

He called me an amoeba. I don't care.

Right, well, since you all
work so closely together,

I thought it might be rewarding for
us to have this group session.

Yes, to analyse how we all
interact within the unit

and appraise our working
relationships together.

Right, anyone want to kick off?

Yes, George.

I'd like it placed on record

that I think this anti-stress programme

is placing us all under
intolerable stress.

With respect, George, I
think perhaps that comment

tells us more about you
than the programme.

Now, maybe if we get pairs to examine
their working relationships.

Erm... Sally and George.

No, maybe that's not a
good one to kick off with.

Erm, Sally and Henry. No, no, erm...

Dave and Henry. You start.

Ah, I don't think that's a good
one to kick off with, either.

Henry, you begin. How
do you perceive David?

I really don't think this
is a good idea, Gus.

My perception of Dave...

..Is that he's a walking disaster area.

He's feckless, unreliable.

He doesn't concentrate, his
attitude's appalling...

..And if he put a tenth of
the energy into his work

that he puts into stupid
bets, conning his friends

and shagging the wife
of someone in accounts,

then we'd all be a
bloody sight better off!

Yes, thank you, erm...

Maybe if we moved on
to Damien and George.

I'd like to air my perception
of Henry, please, Gus.

David, that's all right...

My perception of Henry is
that he is a fine newsreader.

He combines a good editorial brain

with an authoritative,
measured delivery

that, in my book, makes him the best.

He is incisive, he is professional,

but above all, he is a
towering, grade-a hypocrite...

An arrogant bore

and a vindictive, big-mouth git
who needs teaching a lesson.

Ah, Dave, perhaps you like to make
use of that anti-stress room?

No, that won't be
necessary, thank you, Gus.

Oh! Squabbling

well, that was some left
hook Henry threw at Dave.

Shame your face got in the way, Gus.

That'll teach you to try and mediate.

Hooligans! Absolute hooligans!

Absolutely. It was a good
rumble, though, wasn't it?

Henry fought a really clever fight.

You know, I've never seen a stapler
used as a tactical weapon before.

I just can't believe it.

I've actually been struck
by one of my own employees!

It's... it's unimaginable!

Oh, I don't know, I
imagine it quite a lot.

I think my nose is broken.

Yes, of course, this means we'll
have to extend programme.

What? Well, violent
flash points like this

indicate that stress factors
have reached chronic levels.

You've got a sick office here, Gus.

One that needs urgent and
progressive psycho...

Oh, shut up!

There you are, you see,
you're a case in point...

Get out! Now! Go on!

All right...

Bloody quack.

Geoff... I've just worked out
what personality type you are.

What? A shyster-plonker.

Or is it a waffler-wanker?

Right... where are Dave and Henry?

I want him back up in here now.

Are you sure you don't want to share

this strategy and
objective with us, Gus?

If I say I want them in
here, I want them in here.

I'm in charge here.

Oh, so, the growing together is
on the back burner, then, is it?

Yes, it is. Thank god for that.

I want you to know, George, that
I blame you for all of this.

You should be able to
control your staff!

But it wasn't me who
opened the floodgates.

I warned you several
times, but, oh, no...

Stop bleating!

You are such a whinger, George!

And I'm not the only one who thinks it.

You are pathetic!

Alex.

Arrange to have those two
neanderthals brought up in here.

I'm gonna crucify those bastards.

If anyone wants me, you'll find
me in the anti-stress room.

George... give me your jacket.

Sally: Wasn't George best
a disgrace on wogan?

They had to carry him
out of the studio!

Alex: Probably had to carry him
into the studio by the look of him.

I don't know why they invited

a vulgar non-entity like
best onto their show.

You've never been on
wogan, have you, Sally?

No, but... nor aspel, or hunniford.

I don't believed in appearing
on chat shows, Alex.

It diminishes my credibility
as a serious anchorwoman.

Right, well, I'll tell the beeb

you don't want to do wogan
next Wednesday then.

Only they rang earlier. What, when?
Have you got the number?

Fooled you! Phone rings

I think it's sad, Alex,

when a middle-aged woman has to
resort to schoolgirl humour.

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