All language subtitles for Drop The Dead Donkey s01e05 Old Father Time.eng

And now:

This episode was first broadcast

in a week when parliament was recalled

to debate the growing
risk of war with Iraq.

And we feel very strongly about that.

So you're saying, minister,

that you blame problems in our schools

on lack of parental discipline.

But surely, lack of parental discipline

doesn't cause teacher shortages?

With respect, Henry, it's
not as simple as that.

The lack of parental discipline

is just merely the tip of an
iceberg, a very large one.

Menacing. Er...

Floating... most of it.

In discipline.

Quite, erm, well... Clears throat

..unpredictable, really.

Erm... clears throat

I'm sorry. Bit of a frog in the throat.

Could we go on that question again?
Yes, we'll have to go again. Cut.

You see, every time he ballsed
up an answer, that happened.

Never seen anybody with so
many frogs in his throat,

he must have swallowed a Lily pond.
Before the interview began,

he gave us a list of areas
he wouldn't comment on.

Oh, come on, Dave, they've
always bent the rules.

Wilson, Callaghan...

Yes, but it's getting worse, George.
You wanted me, George?

Ah, yes, Jenny. Now, don't tell Henry,

but bafta want to present him
with some kind of honorary award.

So do you think you could
dig through the archives

and put together some
highlights from Henry's career?

What, you mean like the
time he got pissed

and tried to touch up Jackie Kennedy?

Or the time he made that attempt
to greet Khrushchev in Russian

and inadvertently called
him a diseased artichoke.

No, I think we'll gloss over those. Ok.

I'll give you a hand. I don't
think that'll be necessary,

thank you, David. I'll get onto it now.

Nice girl.

Good brain. Absolutely.

Nicest brain I've seen in a long time.

Yeah, well, if we could
return to the matter in hand.

Phone rings yes?

Uh-huh. Ok. Right.

Right, Dave, we're going to need
a resume of kinnock's speech

to the tuc. We've got ages yet,
he's only been going 30 minutes.

No, he's finished.

After 30 minutes? You're joking. No.

Has he been assassinated?

No, he just stopped speaking. Bastard.

Gentlemen, madam, may I present
my nephew's boy, Jack Davenport.

Observe the noble Davenport nose,
the firm, manly Davenport chin.

He hasn't got the Davenport
mouth, though, has he?

Why do you say that? Well, it's shut.

This, Jack, is Alex. A clever
woman, but bitter and twisted. Hi.

This is Dave. Hi.

That's George. Ah, mr dent.

I want to thank you for allowing
me to sit in and watch for a week.

Oh, that's ok, Jack.

You see, I've just completed
a course in media studies

and I'd love to work in TV news,

but I've no knowledge
of the practical side.

So this is really useful. I'll,
erm, try not to get in the way.

No problem. Feel free to ask questions.

God, it's him, I tell you, George,

it's getting impossible to
interview these people.

It's your job to make these
people say something interesting.

Don't be a prat, George, look at him,

how could he say something interesting?

He's one of the new breed of
ministers, an anonymous android.

The only interesting
thought inside his brain

died years ago from agoraphobia.

Anyway, are you questioning
my experience?

No, no, of course not. I remind
you that I have interviewed

every Prime Minister
for the last 30 years.

Yes, Alec Douglas-home
- patronising bastard.

Wilson - shifty bastard.
Heath - stubborn bastard.

Callaghan - cunning bastard.

Thatcher - cunning, stubborn,
shifty, patronising...

Will you excuse me a second?

I just want to have a word with
the delicious young Jenny.

George, we've got to stop ministers

dictating the terms
of these interviews.

And you know what will happen if we do.

We won't get any more
ministers to interview.

Every time a big story breaks,

the BBC will be interviewing the
Prime Minister for her response,

and we'll be getting the
government reaction from a plumber

who once unblocked a drain
for Kenneth Baker's wife.

We'd be a laughing stock.

The plain reality is, we
either play by their rules,

or not at all.

Hm. Not quite how you
imagined it, hey, Jack?

Actually, it's quite interesting,

cos we had several lectures about
exactly this sort of situation.

You see... oh, sorry,
I'm holding you up.

No, no, Jack. How do you mean,
this sort of situation?

You know, where subtle
pressures from government

inhibit programme makers

so that they become a
bit, well, passive.

Being pragmatic is not the
same as being passive.

And unlike your lecturers, I
have to live in the real world.

George, there's an escaped hippo
in the first lane of the m25.

Do you want a crew to cover it?
Definitely.

Where was I? Living in the real world.

Oh, yes.

You see, Jack, every
editorial decision I make

is a very complicated weighing
up of different factors.

How important is the story?
Can I afford the resources?

Will Gus let you run it?

Who's Gus? He's our chief executive.

He's away this week on one
of those survival courses.

You know the sort of thing, how
to improve your management skills

by running around on
moors eating lugworms.

As I was saying, Jack,

you see, editorial decisions require
very, very careful thought.

Oh, absolutely. I
realise that, mr dent.

I just find it fascinating,

this whole area of how
editorial criteria

can damage a broadcaster's credibility.

Oh, sorry, I'm burbling again.

I think uncle wants me.
If you'll excuse me.

Yes, well, he seems a bright lad.

Funny, though, isn't it,
how when you're young,

you're full of daft ideas about
conspiracy and censorship.

He chuckles

yes, well, I'm due in vt.

Apparently, there are
some technical problems

with the latest footage
of Jesse Jackson weeping.

Hm.

Don't worry, George, he
did another three takes.

Door closes

nice change, isn't it,

to have someone as young and
keen as Jack around. Hm.

Makes you realise just how
tired our coverage has become.

It's not that bad. Oh, come on,

look at the way we're handling the
Gulf, cliched and repetitive.

That's a very difficult story to cover.

"Good evening. The war
didn't start again today.

"In the meantime, here's
lots of idle speculation

"and some pictures of some tanks."

No, but it's not just the Gulf,

I mean, all our coverage
is predictable.

And we're getting worse.

I mean, look at George.

Ever since the royston took over,
he's become more cautious than ever.

I think he's rigged up an alarm,

and if anybody has a new idea,
anywhere in this building,

a red light starts
flashing under his desk.

He'll be asking lots of questions, I
know you'll help him all you can.

And this is Damien,
one of our reporters,

who goes out and covers stories. Jack.

And this is Sally, who sits
behind a desk and simpers.

Well, Jack, I must say,

it'll be nice having another
young face round the place.

Sometimes I feel as though I'm
working in an old people's home.

Oh, I, er, I like your rose.
Oh, thank you.

Yes, it's a new breed. The
rose society have written,

asking if they could call
it the Sally smedley.

It's very pretty.

I've no idea why they'd
want to name it after me.

Well, perhaps it's a climbing rose.

So, you want to get into TV
news eventually, 'ey, Jack?

Yes, as a news reporter. Ah. Like me.

Well, erm... i mean, if you like,

I can sort of take you through
some of my more recent stuff

and, well, fill you in
on technique, et cetera.

Well, actually, we had to study
you for six weeks at college

as part of an exercise on TV reporting.

Really? Yeah.

And, er, well, what was the verdict?

Oh, well, I mean, there was no verdict,

it was, erm, purely an academic study.

Yes, I know, but I mean, the
class must have reached

some conclusions about me.

Well, yes. Come on, then,
come on, let's have them.

Well, erm...

I suppose the, er, the general feeling

was that your reports
tend to perhaps...

Sensationalise a story's
dramatic impact a bit

and possibly miss its true news value

in a way that's maybe, sort of, dated.

Dated? Yes.

Old-fashioned, out... yes,
I know what dated means.

Sad, isn't it, Jack,

when people can't accept
constructive criticism.

Ah, bollocks.

Point proven.

Now, Jack, if at any point, you feel
you'd like a sort of masterclass

on the art of newsreading,
please feel free.

Yes, thank you. In fact, why don't
you come along with me now.

I've been a newsreader for many...

Alex, you're an experienced
cradle snatcher,

what do you think of
Sally's technique here?

Haven't you got anything better to do?
Er, no.

God, we're a motivated team, aren't we?

Listen, did I tell you I've
applied for a job at nbc?

I'll be interviewing next week,

so, god willing, I
could be leaving soon.

Oh, right. Well, we'll
miss you, obviously.

Don't know who's getting
your parking space, do you?

Oh, hello.

Sally's moving into mega flirt.

Now, Jack, my days don't
have many windows in,

but, well, perhaps an evening
sometime over dinner?

Right.

Jenny, come over here and
meet my nephew's boy Jack,

he's spending the week with us.
Oh, right.

Well, I hope you enjoy it.
I'm sure I will.

How long have you worked here?
Six months.

I'm a trainee. Oh, really?

Perhaps you could show me around
sometime. Oh, yes, I'd love...

Yes, well, I'm sure there
are lots of things

Jenny should be getting on with.
Isn't that right, Jenny?

I suppose so.

Lovely girl. Mad about me, of course.

Now... French have burned alive
another shipment of British sheep.

Bloody frogs.

Just because we did it to Joan of arc.

We shouldn't take this lying down!

After all, what do they send over here?

Cheese that smells of old socks,

hysteria pate, and lots
of snooty bloody waiters.

Anyone going into a French restaurant

should tell those poncy pierres
exactly what we think of them.

You always do. Damn right.

Henry, you do seem to have this
irrational hatred of the French.

Nonsense, it's totally rational.

Look at the Gulf and their
bloody aircraft carrier.

Goes so slowly, it gets
overtaken by sea slugs.

And when it does arrive,
they won't take orders,

they just go steaming around the Gulf,

shouting, "priorite a droit."

Well, I think that's
enough political analysis.

Now, Jack, on this vdu,

you can see the copy I'm preparing
for tonight's bulletin.

Erm, item 16.

The tuc are demanding a return
to a centralised pay policy.

Hm. Sorry?

Oh, no, nothing. Go on.

Well, it's just again, one
of the, erm, the lectures

was about how the word
"demand" is always used

when referring to the unions.

Which sort of implicitly
portrays the unions

as being the unreasonable party.

Employers offer, unions demand.

Are you saying I'm writing biased copy?

Good lord, no, not at all. Right.

Well, not consciously, anyway.

It's... it's more that it's a, sort of,

a shared news vocabulary

that you use without
really thinking about.

He chuckles

just like me at his age
- razor-sharp mind,

not afraid to speak up.

Well, my boy, tonight, you and I are
gonna lay the west end to waste.

Anyone else want to tag along
with the magnificent two? Dave?

Yeah, I'm game. How about you, Jenny?

Do you fancy a night on the town?

I'm not invited, I suppose? Correct.

Well, don't worry, Henry,
I've no desire to watch you

belch and vomit your
way around bimbo land.

Nice to have met you, Jack.

And as I say, perhaps we could
have a session together sometime.

Right.

Right.

Come on, Jack, let us go and
desensitise our intestines

in the staff canteen.

How, er...

How old is Jack?

I think Henry said he was 21.

21? Mm-hm.

Alex, you don't think my
style's dated, do you?

Yes.

Alex is thinking of leaving.
What? Really?

Who's getting her parking space?

Oh, she'll never leave.

Damien, this place is turning
into a retirement home

for the terminally untalented.
I've got to get out.

I've already started
displaying the first symptoms

of the spongiform brain disease

that seems to be rampant
in this office.

Don't exaggerate. Exaggerate?

Do you know what happened
to me the other night?

I was watching Howard's
way on the telly, right,

and I actually caught myself
trying to follow the plot.

Terrifying. That is bad.

Do you think Charles and avril
are gonna get back together?

Both: No way.

Well, if you ask me, the us
will definitely attack Iraq.

Why? Well, because they need a new
war to make films about, don't they?

They've flogged Vietnam to death.

I mean, a desert war's perfect.

You know, lots of cheap
location shots in Arizona.

Of course, then they'll
get Meryl Streep

to play Saddam Hussein's girlfriend,

give her a chance to
do her Iraqi accent.

Yes.

What's the government attitude to
other foreigners held in Iraq?

You know, all the
Indians and pakistanis?

What Indians and pakistanis?

That's the government attitude.

Yes, we'll come back to that one.

Right, now, Alex, if you
could talk us through

our coverage of the commons debate.

Oh, right, well, basically,
what's going to happen

is that Margaret Thatcher's going
to make a stirring patriotic speech

calling for concerted military action,

and then kinnock's going
to get to his feet

and violently agree with her.

There'll be a bit of
flag-waving from Marcus fox,

a bit of brown-nosing
from edwina currie,

Tony benn will liken the Gulf
crisis to the tolpuddle martyrs,

and then tam dalyell will ask
which way the belgrano was going.

Yes, thank you for that, Alex.
Very helpful.

Now, the government are banging
on about impartiality again,

so as we're using that photo of
Kenneth Baker looking a bit smarmy,

perhaps we'd better balance it

with the one of Tony benn
looking like a complete nutter.

Oh, dear.

Where have you two been? God knows.

Last thing I remember, Jack
was dancing with Jenny,

he was singing my way, and I
was falling slowly backwards.

God, you look rough, Henry.

Nonsense, it's this
putrid office lighting.

I wonder what sort of state
the boy Jack is in, eh?

He's not made it in, I notice.

That's youth, you see, no resilience.

Yes, well, now you are
here, perhaps we could...

Very sorry I'm late. The
whole northern line was out,

so I decided to run it.

That's all right, Jack.

Right, now, we've got this
interview with moynihan.

Now, can we please remember

to block moynihan's chair
up nine inches this time?

Otherwise, he's going to accuse us

of trying to make him look small again.

He ran in.

Now, there's a leak on next
month's inflation figures.

He ran in. Where did you run in from?

Oh, only from highgate.

A mere seven miles.

Do you mind? Sorry, George.

Now, re this leak...
Jenny lives in highgate.

Apparently, the treasury
are saying the, er...

He's had Jenny.

There's been a leak

that next month's inflation
figure will be above 10%.

Erm... yes, Jack?

Well, it's just that the government
have been doing that a lot recently.

You know, leaking a high figure.

Then, when the real figure turns out
to be less, it softens the impact.

I just think it's an interesting area.

Yes, fascinating, I'm sure.

But unfortunately, on air, we only
have a limited amount of time.

Oh, yeah, I understand that.
I just think it's an example

of how government can use TV.

Like with the unemployment figures.
What about the unemployment figures?

You know, how they've knocked
half a million off the figures

by constantly redefining
the term "unemployed".

Well, what do you suggest?

Perhaps we should run
a caption which says,

"latest government figures,

"but don't forget what
lying bastards they are."

Well, no.

I just wonder whether these figures
should be accepted at face value.

I think this meeting's gone off
at a bit of a tangent, actually.

If you'll excuse me and my capacity
as minister for propaganda,

I've got some pro-government
rallies to go and organise.

Please, mr dent, don't
misunderstand me,

I was only making a general point.

It's funny, isn't it?

Until Jack arrived, I regarded
myself as a young man.

A young man can stay
out till all hours,

drink like a fish, screw all night,
and then run in from highgate.

I think I'll go and lie down.

Oh, it's pathetic.

Wallowing in self-pity just
because Jack makes you feel old.

Well, he makes you feel old, too.
So does Jenny.

Rubbish. No-one makes me feel old.

Morning, Sally. I'm sorry, I've
no time for idle chitchat.

What's got into her?

I think it's what's got into
you that's got into her.

Hello. Psychogeriatric ward.

No, it's a joke.

Yeah.

Yeah, all right, I'll tell him. Yeah.

There's some more stuff on
this virgin airlift to amman.

Branson says the objective
is to bring back

as many hostages as possible, and
he's flown out there in person.

Well, that's one suit wasted.

Now, prime minister's reiterating

that any Iraqis who commit atrocities

will suffer the same fate
as German war criminals.

Yeah, given a pension

and signed up for the
British secret service.

I didn't mean to offend you
about the statistics, I...

I just get caught up in everything.

That's ok, Jack, I, er...

I overreacted. I'm sorry.

I'm really very grateful to you for
letting me sit in and everything,

but I was wondering...

Wondering what? This
is my rose, George.

Notice anything unusual about it?

It's covered in greenfly.

Correction, George.

Someone has painted lots
of little green spots.

Now, I want an investigation
into this vandalism, George,

or I shall be notifying my personal
contacts in the police force.

Sorry. Erm, you were saying?

Well, it's just that Jenny mentioned
there was a researcher's job going

and I was wondering if I could apply.

No, no, that's fine, Jack.

I'm not making any promises, though.

I understand. Thanks, mr dent.

And please ignore all
that stuff earlier.

You're the man with the experience.
Your judgement's bang on, I'm sure.

I wish I was.

Now, there's speculation
that the Iraqis

might use Anthrax against our troop.

That's that dreadful virus that
originates in cattle, isn't it?

Yeah. They won't dare use
that against us. Why not?

We've got bse.

Oh, yes. First sign of funny business,

we send the raf over to bomb
Baghdad with diseased cows.

Another statement from the Iraqis

saying Thatcher is a grey-haired
old hag with a canine voice

who vomits poison like
a spotted serpent.

They won't get round her with flattery.

A postcard from Gus.

Apparently, he's camping
out on the brecon beacons

in a bivouac made from ferns and twigs.

Are you ok, Henry?

Bafta are presenting me
with an honorary award

for my services to broadcasting.
Well done.

That's marvellous. No, it isn't.
Services to broadcasting?

It's one of those "let's
give him something quick

"before he snuffs it" awards.

Bloody bafta. You know
what bafta stands for?

Boring association for
television arseholes.

Well, they can stick
their sodding tribute.

All right, Henry, calm down.

Why is everyone so touchy?
Moynihan just rang.

He said if the chair's not high
enough, he wants the desk lowered.

I've just had a phone call
from the powys police.

Three of Gus' team are in hospital
after he made them eat tree bark.

What the hell is...

Oh, for god's sake!

What was all that about?

Sally's rose has just
gone down with bluefly.

Bluefly? We ran out of green paint.

It's like working with four-year-olds.

Right, now, where was I? Oh, yes.

Jack is applying for the
vacant post of researcher.

Oh, right.

Well, why not? He's very
bright, quick learner.

Yes, he seems very capable.

And he is very keen, which is a plus.

Yes, and his attitude's very good.

Absolutely. He's bright and
keen, his attitude's good,

he's perfect in many ways. Perfect.
Yes, that's right.

I... I was just wondering, though...

If he is perhaps a teensy bit
on the, erm, naive side.

I know what you mean.
I know what you mean.

And his enthusiasm's lovely,

I just wonder if sometimes it
just teeters over into, erm...

Mm, pushiness? Mm.

Yes, I was wondering about that.

With just a hint of arrogance.

And there are bound to be
applicants vastly more experienced.

All talk at once

I don't believe this!

You're just punishing the boy
because he makes you all feel old.

Yes, absolutely. You're all
being totally irrational

and very unfair.

No, I...

No, it's pure unadulterated
envy, 100% proof.

And I'm sorry.

Yeah, me too.

Right. Uncle, you'll never
guess what's happened!

Will you stop calling me uncle?
That's right, he's your great-uncle.

Yes, all right...

All right, we can do
without the semantics.

Mr dent, I'm sorry, you'll probably
think I've got a bit of a cheek

after I talked to you about the
researcher's job and everything,

but I went for an
interview two weeks ago

and I hadn't heard anything,
so I didn't think I'd got it.

But they just rang and
I've been accepted

as a trainee reporter at nbc.

I can't believe it! Well done, my boy,

obviously the Davenport
talent shone through.

I must go ring mum and dad.

Yes, of course. And may I say,
Jack, how pleased we all are,

and, well, you deserve it and you
carry our best wishes. Thanks.

A reporter at 21?

I was still making the tea at 21.

Jammy little upstart. 21.

21!

21. 21.

Oh, for god's sake, get a grip!

Look at you, grown men, going to pieces

just because somebody's landed a
decent job and he happens to be 21.

So he's 21, god, big deal, what of it?

Actually, I was wrong, he's still 20.

20?! 20?!

Well, the way I see it, we
should blockade their ports,

strangle their economy,

and if necessary, just
sink their ships.

Then the bloody French would
let our lamb through.

John gummer says he's very
cross with the French farmers.

Oh, no. Well, that'll have
them quaking in their boots.

Why does gummer always reminds
me of the kid at school

you used to beat up for no reason?

Hm. What's the latest
on the Iraqi blockade?

Well, it's beginning to bite.
They're suffering severe shortages.

Apparently, in the whole of Iraq now,

there is not a single us
flag left for them to burn.

Oh, no, I don't believe it! What?

Petrol's going up another
7p, they're bloody robbers.

All right, all right, calm down.

Give BP a ring and get a quote. But
keep it nice and objective, ok?

Don't worry, George, I will
be detached and professional.

Hello. Could I speak to your
chief extortionist, please?

Subtitles by accessibility@itv.Com

Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0