Original subtitles

And now:

This episode was first broadcast

in a week when parliament was recalled

to debate the growing risk of war with Iraq.

And we feel very strongly about that.

So you're saying, minister,

that you blame problems in our schools

on lack of parental discipline.

But surely, lack of parental discipline

doesn't cause teacher shortages?

With respect, Henry, it's not as simple as that.

The lack of parental discipline

is just merely the tip of an iceberg, a very large one.

Menacing. Er...

Floating... most of it.

In discipline.

Quite, erm, well... Clears throat

..unpredictable, really.

Erm... clears throat

I'm sorry. Bit of a frog in the throat.

Could we go on that question again? Yes, we'll have to go again. Cut.

You see, every time he ballsed up an answer, that happened.

Never seen anybody with so many frogs in his throat,

he must have swallowed a Lily pond. Before the interview began,

he gave us a list of areas he wouldn't comment on.

Oh, come on, Dave, they've always bent the rules.

Wilson, Callaghan...

Yes, but it's getting worse, George. You wanted me, George?

Ah, yes, Jenny. Now, don't tell Henry,

but bafta want to present him with some kind of honorary award.

So do you think you could dig through the archives

and put together some highlights from Henry's career?

What, you mean like the time he got pissed

and tried to touch up Jackie Kennedy?

Or the time he made that attempt to greet Khrushchev in Russian

and inadvertently called him a diseased artichoke.

No, I think we'll gloss over those. Ok.

I'll give you a hand. I don't think that'll be necessary,

thank you, David. I'll get onto it now.

Nice girl.

Good brain. Absolutely.

Nicest brain I've seen in a long time.

Yeah, well, if we could return to the matter in hand.

Phone rings yes?

Uh-huh. Ok. Right.

Right, Dave, we're going to need a resume of kinnock's speech

to the tuc. We've got ages yet, he's only been going 30 minutes.

No, he's finished.

After 30 minutes? You're joking. No.

Has he been assassinated?

No, he just stopped speaking. Bastard.

Gentlemen, madam, may I present my nephew's boy, Jack Davenport.

Observe the noble Davenport nose, the firm, manly Davenport chin.

He hasn't got the Davenport mouth, though, has he?

Why do you say that? Well, it's shut.

This, Jack, is Alex. A clever woman, but bitter and twisted. Hi.

This is Dave. Hi.

That's George. Ah, mr dent.

I want to thank you for allowing me to sit in and watch for a week.

Oh, that's ok, Jack.

You see, I've just completed a course in media studies

and I'd love to work in TV news,

but I've no knowledge of the practical side.

So this is really useful. I'll, erm, try not to get in the way.

No problem. Feel free to ask questions.

God, it's him, I tell you, George,

it's getting impossible to interview these people.

It's your job to make these people say something interesting.

Don't be a prat, George, look at him,

how could he say something interesting?

He's one of the new breed of ministers, an anonymous android.

The only interesting thought inside his brain

died years ago from agoraphobia.

Anyway, are you questioning my experience?

No, no, of course not. I remind you that I have interviewed

every Prime Minister for the last 30 years.

Yes, Alec Douglas-home - patronising bastard.

Wilson - shifty bastard. Heath - stubborn bastard.

Callaghan - cunning bastard.

Thatcher - cunning, stubborn, shifty, patronising...

Will you excuse me a second?

I just want to have a word with the delicious young Jenny.

George, we've got to stop ministers

dictating the terms of these interviews.

And you know what will happen if we do.

We won't get any more ministers to interview.

Every time a big story breaks,

the BBC will be interviewing the Prime Minister for her response,

and we'll be getting the government reaction from a plumber

who once unblocked a drain for Kenneth Baker's wife.

We'd be a laughing stock.

The plain reality is, we either play by their rules,

or not at all.

Hm. Not quite how you imagined it, hey, Jack?

Actually, it's quite interesting,

cos we had several lectures about exactly this sort of situation.

You see... oh, sorry, I'm holding you up.

No, no, Jack. How do you mean, this sort of situation?

You know, where subtle pressures from government

inhibit programme makers

so that they become a bit, well, passive.

Being pragmatic is not the same as being passive.

And unlike your lecturers, I have to live in the real world.

George, there's an escaped hippo in the first lane of the m25.

Do you want a crew to cover it? Definitely.

Where was I? Living in the real world.

Oh, yes.

You see, Jack, every editorial decision I make

is a very complicated weighing up of different factors.

How important is the story? Can I afford the resources?

Will Gus let you run it?

Who's Gus? He's our chief executive.

He's away this week on one of those survival courses.

You know the sort of thing, how to improve your management skills

by running around on moors eating lugworms.

As I was saying, Jack,

you see, editorial decisions require very, very careful thought.

Oh, absolutely. I realise that, mr dent.

I just find it fascinating,

this whole area of how editorial criteria

can damage a broadcaster's credibility.

Oh, sorry, I'm burbling again.

I think uncle wants me. If you'll excuse me.

Yes, well, he seems a bright lad.

Funny, though, isn't it, how when you're young,

you're full of daft ideas about conspiracy and censorship.

He chuckles

yes, well, I'm due in vt.

Apparently, there are some technical problems

with the latest footage of Jesse Jackson weeping.

Hm.

Don't worry, George, he did another three takes.

Door closes

nice change, isn't it,

to have someone as young and keen as Jack around. Hm.

Makes you realise just how tired our coverage has become.

It's not that bad. Oh, come on,

look at the way we're handling the Gulf, cliched and repetitive.

That's a very difficult story to cover.

"Good evening. The war didn't start again today.

"In the meantime, here's lots of idle speculation

"and some pictures of some tanks."

No, but it's not just the Gulf,

I mean, all our coverage is predictable.

And we're getting worse.

I mean, look at George.

Ever since the royston took over, he's become more cautious than ever.

I think he's rigged up an alarm,

and if anybody has a new idea, anywhere in this building,

a red light starts flashing under his desk.

He'll be asking lots of questions, I know you'll help him all you can.

And this is Damien, one of our reporters,

who goes out and covers stories. Jack.

And this is Sally, who sits behind a desk and simpers.

Well, Jack, I must say,

it'll be nice having another young face round the place.

Sometimes I feel as though I'm working in an old people's home.

Oh, I, er, I like your rose. Oh, thank you.

Yes, it's a new breed. The rose society have written,

asking if they could call it the Sally smedley.

It's very pretty.

I've no idea why they'd want to name it after me.

Well, perhaps it's a climbing rose.

So, you want to get into TV news eventually, 'ey, Jack?

Yes, as a news reporter. Ah. Like me.

Well, erm... i mean, if you like,

I can sort of take you through some of my more recent stuff

and, well, fill you in on technique, et cetera.

Well, actually, we had to study you for six weeks at college

as part of an exercise on TV reporting.

Really? Yeah.

And, er, well, what was the verdict?

Oh, well, I mean, there was no verdict,

it was, erm, purely an academic study.

Yes, I know, but I mean, the class must have reached

some conclusions about me.

Well, yes. Come on, then, come on, let's have them.

Well, erm...

I suppose the, er, the general feeling

was that your reports tend to perhaps...

Sensationalise a story's dramatic impact a bit

and possibly miss its true news value

in a way that's maybe, sort of, dated.

Dated? Yes.

Old-fashioned, out... yes, I know what dated means.

Sad, isn't it, Jack,

when people can't accept constructive criticism.

Ah, bollocks.

Point proven.

Now, Jack, if at any point, you feel you'd like a sort of masterclass

on the art of newsreading, please feel free.

Yes, thank you. In fact, why don't you come along with me now.

I've been a newsreader for many...

Alex, you're an experienced cradle snatcher,

what do you think of Sally's technique here?

Haven't you got anything better to do? Er, no.

God, we're a motivated team, aren't we?

Listen, did I tell you I've applied for a job at nbc?

I'll be interviewing next week,

so, god willing, I could be leaving soon.

Oh, right. Well, we'll miss you, obviously.

Don't know who's getting your parking space, do you?

Oh, hello.

Sally's moving into mega flirt.

Now, Jack, my days don't have many windows in,

but, well, perhaps an evening sometime over dinner?

Right.

Jenny, come over here and meet my nephew's boy Jack,

he's spending the week with us. Oh, right.

Well, I hope you enjoy it. I'm sure I will.

How long have you worked here? Six months.

I'm a trainee. Oh, really?

Perhaps you could show me around sometime. Oh, yes, I'd love...

Yes, well, I'm sure there are lots of things

Jenny should be getting on with. Isn't that right, Jenny?

I suppose so.

Lovely girl. Mad about me, of course.

Now... French have burned alive another shipment of British sheep.

Bloody frogs.

Just because we did it to Joan of arc.

We shouldn't take this lying down!

After all, what do they send over here?

Cheese that smells of old socks,

hysteria pate, and lots of snooty bloody waiters.

Anyone going into a French restaurant

should tell those poncy pierres exactly what we think of them.

You always do. Damn right.

Henry, you do seem to have this irrational hatred of the French.

Nonsense, it's totally rational.

Look at the Gulf and their bloody aircraft carrier.

Goes so slowly, it gets overtaken by sea slugs.

And when it does arrive, they won't take orders,

they just go steaming around the Gulf,

shouting, "priorite a droit."

Well, I think that's enough political analysis.

Now, Jack, on this vdu,

you can see the copy I'm preparing for tonight's bulletin.

Erm, item 16.

The tuc are demanding a return to a centralised pay policy.

Hm. Sorry?

Oh, no, nothing. Go on.

Well, it's just again, one of the, erm, the lectures

was about how the word "demand" is always used

when referring to the unions.

Which sort of implicitly portrays the unions

as being the unreasonable party.

Employers offer, unions demand.

Are you saying I'm writing biased copy?

Good lord, no, not at all. Right.

Well, not consciously, anyway.

It's... it's more that it's a, sort of,

a shared news vocabulary

that you use without really thinking about.

He chuckles

just like me at his age - razor-sharp mind,

not afraid to speak up.

Well, my boy, tonight, you and I are gonna lay the west end to waste.

Anyone else want to tag along with the magnificent two? Dave?

Yeah, I'm game. How about you, Jenny?

Do you fancy a night on the town?

I'm not invited, I suppose? Correct.

Well, don't worry, Henry, I've no desire to watch you

belch and vomit your way around bimbo land.

Nice to have met you, Jack.

And as I say, perhaps we could have a session together sometime.

Right.

Right.

Come on, Jack, let us go and desensitise our intestines

in the staff canteen.

How, er...

How old is Jack?

I think Henry said he was 21.

21? Mm-hm.

Alex, you don't think my style's dated, do you?

Yes.

Alex is thinking of leaving. What? Really?

Who's getting her parking space?

Oh, she'll never leave.

Damien, this place is turning into a retirement home

for the terminally untalented. I've got to get out.

I've already started displaying the first symptoms

of the spongiform brain disease

that seems to be rampant in this office.

Don't exaggerate. Exaggerate?

Do you know what happened to me the other night?

I was watching Howard's way on the telly, right,

and I actually caught myself trying to follow the plot.

Terrifying. That is bad.

Do you think Charles and avril are gonna get back together?

Both: No way.

Well, if you ask me, the us will definitely attack Iraq.

Why? Well, because they need a new war to make films about, don't they?

They've flogged Vietnam to death.

I mean, a desert war's perfect.

You know, lots of cheap location shots in Arizona.

Of course, then they'll get Meryl Streep

to play Saddam Hussein's girlfriend,

give her a chance to do her Iraqi accent.

Yes.

What's the government attitude to other foreigners held in Iraq?

You know, all the Indians and pakistanis?

What Indians and pakistanis?

That's the government attitude.

Yes, we'll come back to that one.

Right, now, Alex, if you could talk us through

our coverage of the commons debate.

Oh, right, well, basically, what's going to happen

is that Margaret Thatcher's going to make a stirring patriotic speech

calling for concerted military action,

and then kinnock's going to get to his feet

and violently agree with her.

There'll be a bit of flag-waving from Marcus fox,

a bit of brown-nosing from edwina currie,

Tony benn will liken the Gulf crisis to the tolpuddle martyrs,

and then tam dalyell will ask which way the belgrano was going.

Yes, thank you for that, Alex. Very helpful.

Now, the government are banging on about impartiality again,

so as we're using that photo of Kenneth Baker looking a bit smarmy,

perhaps we'd better balance it

with the one of Tony benn looking like a complete nutter.

Oh, dear.

Where have you two been? God knows.

Last thing I remember, Jack was dancing with Jenny,

he was singing my way, and I was falling slowly backwards.

God, you look rough, Henry.

Nonsense, it's this putrid office lighting.

I wonder what sort of state the boy Jack is in, eh?

He's not made it in, I notice.

That's youth, you see, no resilience.

Yes, well, now you are here, perhaps we could...

Very sorry I'm late. The whole northern line was out,

so I decided to run it.

That's all right, Jack.

Right, now, we've got this interview with moynihan.

Now, can we please remember

to block moynihan's chair up nine inches this time?

Otherwise, he's going to accuse us

of trying to make him look small again.

He ran in.

Now, there's a leak on next month's inflation figures.

He ran in. Where did you run in from?

Oh, only from highgate.

A mere seven miles.

Do you mind? Sorry, George.

Now, re this leak... Jenny lives in highgate.

Apparently, the treasury are saying the, er...

He's had Jenny.

There's been a leak

that next month's inflation figure will be above 10%.

Erm... yes, Jack?

Well, it's just that the government have been doing that a lot recently.

You know, leaking a high figure.

Then, when the real figure turns out to be less, it softens the impact.

I just think it's an interesting area.

Yes, fascinating, I'm sure.

But unfortunately, on air, we only have a limited amount of time.

Oh, yeah, I understand that. I just think it's an example

of how government can use TV.

Like with the unemployment figures. What about the unemployment figures?

You know, how they've knocked half a million off the figures

by constantly redefining the term "unemployed".

Well, what do you suggest?

Perhaps we should run a caption which says,

"latest government figures,

"but don't forget what lying bastards they are."

Well, no.

I just wonder whether these figures should be accepted at face value.

I think this meeting's gone off at a bit of a tangent, actually.

If you'll excuse me and my capacity as minister for propaganda,

I've got some pro-government rallies to go and organise.

Please, mr dent, don't misunderstand me,

I was only making a general point.

It's funny, isn't it?

Until Jack arrived, I regarded myself as a young man.

A young man can stay out till all hours,

drink like a fish, screw all night, and then run in from highgate.

I think I'll go and lie down.

Oh, it's pathetic.

Wallowing in self-pity just because Jack makes you feel old.

Well, he makes you feel old, too. So does Jenny.

Rubbish. No-one makes me feel old.

Morning, Sally. I'm sorry, I've no time for idle chitchat.

What's got into her?

I think it's what's got into you that's got into her.

Hello. Psychogeriatric ward.

No, it's a joke.

Yeah.

Yeah, all right, I'll tell him. Yeah.

There's some more stuff on this virgin airlift to amman.

Branson says the objective is to bring back

as many hostages as possible, and he's flown out there in person.

Well, that's one suit wasted.

Now, prime minister's reiterating

that any Iraqis who commit atrocities

will suffer the same fate as German war criminals.

Yeah, given a pension

and signed up for the British secret service.

I didn't mean to offend you about the statistics, I...

I just get caught up in everything.

That's ok, Jack, I, er...

I overreacted. I'm sorry.

I'm really very grateful to you for letting me sit in and everything,

but I was wondering...

Wondering what? This is my rose, George.

Notice anything unusual about it?

It's covered in greenfly.

Correction, George.

Someone has painted lots of little green spots.

Now, I want an investigation into this vandalism, George,

or I shall be notifying my personal contacts in the police force.

Sorry. Erm, you were saying?

Well, it's just that Jenny mentioned there was a researcher's job going

and I was wondering if I could apply.

No, no, that's fine, Jack.

I'm not making any promises, though.

I understand. Thanks, mr dent.

And please ignore all that stuff earlier.

You're the man with the experience. Your judgement's bang on, I'm sure.

I wish I was.

Now, there's speculation that the Iraqis

might use Anthrax against our troop.

That's that dreadful virus that originates in cattle, isn't it?

Yeah. They won't dare use that against us. Why not?

We've got bse.

Oh, yes. First sign of funny business,

we send the raf over to bomb Baghdad with diseased cows.

Another statement from the Iraqis

saying Thatcher is a grey-haired old hag with a canine voice

who vomits poison like a spotted serpent.

They won't get round her with flattery.

A postcard from Gus.

Apparently, he's camping out on the brecon beacons

in a bivouac made from ferns and twigs.

Are you ok, Henry?

Bafta are presenting me with an honorary award

for my services to broadcasting. Well done.

That's marvellous. No, it isn't. Services to broadcasting?

It's one of those "let's give him something quick

"before he snuffs it" awards.

Bloody bafta. You know what bafta stands for?

Boring association for television arseholes.

Well, they can stick their sodding tribute.

All right, Henry, calm down.

Why is everyone so touchy? Moynihan just rang.

He said if the chair's not high enough, he wants the desk lowered.

I've just had a phone call from the powys police.

Three of Gus' team are in hospital after he made them eat tree bark.

What the hell is...

Oh, for god's sake!

What was all that about?

Sally's rose has just gone down with bluefly.

Bluefly? We ran out of green paint.

It's like working with four-year-olds.

Right, now, where was I? Oh, yes.

Jack is applying for the vacant post of researcher.

Oh, right.

Well, why not? He's very bright, quick learner.

Yes, he seems very capable.

And he is very keen, which is a plus.

Yes, and his attitude's very good.

Absolutely. He's bright and keen, his attitude's good,

he's perfect in many ways. Perfect. Yes, that's right.

I... I was just wondering, though...

If he is perhaps a teensy bit on the, erm, naive side.

I know what you mean. I know what you mean.

And his enthusiasm's lovely,

I just wonder if sometimes it just teeters over into, erm...

Mm, pushiness? Mm.

Yes, I was wondering about that.

With just a hint of arrogance.

And there are bound to be applicants vastly more experienced.

All talk at once

I don't believe this!

You're just punishing the boy because he makes you all feel old.

Yes, absolutely. You're all being totally irrational

and very unfair.

No, I...

No, it's pure unadulterated envy, 100% proof.

And I'm sorry.

Yeah, me too.

Right. Uncle, you'll never guess what's happened!

Will you stop calling me uncle? That's right, he's your great-uncle.

Yes, all right...

All right, we can do without the semantics.

Mr dent, I'm sorry, you'll probably think I've got a bit of a cheek

after I talked to you about the researcher's job and everything,

but I went for an interview two weeks ago

and I hadn't heard anything, so I didn't think I'd got it.

But they just rang and I've been accepted

as a trainee reporter at nbc.

I can't believe it! Well done, my boy,

obviously the Davenport talent shone through.

I must go ring mum and dad.

Yes, of course. And may I say, Jack, how pleased we all are,

and, well, you deserve it and you carry our best wishes. Thanks.

A reporter at 21?

I was still making the tea at 21.

Jammy little upstart. 21.

21!

21. 21.

Oh, for god's sake, get a grip!

Look at you, grown men, going to pieces

just because somebody's landed a decent job and he happens to be 21.

So he's 21, god, big deal, what of it?

Actually, I was wrong, he's still 20.

20?! 20?!

Well, the way I see it, we should blockade their ports,

strangle their economy,

and if necessary, just sink their ships.

Then the bloody French would let our lamb through.

John gummer says he's very cross with the French farmers.

Oh, no. Well, that'll have them quaking in their boots.

Why does gummer always reminds me of the kid at school

you used to beat up for no reason?

Hm. What's the latest on the Iraqi blockade?

Well, it's beginning to bite. They're suffering severe shortages.

Apparently, in the whole of Iraq now,

there is not a single us flag left for them to burn.

Oh, no, I don't believe it! What?

Petrol's going up another 7p, they're bloody robbers.

All right, all right, calm down.

Give BP a ring and get a quote. But keep it nice and objective, ok?

Don't worry, George, I will be detached and professional.

Hello. Could I speak to your chief extortionist, please?

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