Original subtitles

Man: This episode was first shown

in a week when the Birmingham six case was reopened,

when the sentences were handed out in the guinness trial

and when Western outrage was growing against Saddam Hussein.

Right, quiet now. This is very, very important.

We've just had a whisper that, on Thursday,

waddington may allow the Birmingham six to appeal.

Well, personally, I think it's a bad idea.

I mean, if they start releasing innocent people,

it will undermine the public's confidence in the legal system.

Thank you, lord denning.

Right, so, if that's all...

Well, as you know... I'm not here.

..I'm not here.

I'm just an observer. But you want to change something.

No, no, not at all.

Right, in that case, meeting over. Thank you, everybody.

But I would like to make the following observation...

We don't seem to be giving much coverage to this speech

that prince Philip is making,

in which, I understand, he criticises the media.

Apparently, he mentions groundless stories,

appalling standards of English... Appalling standards of English?

Are you suggesting that old kebab features is criticising me?

No, he's not criticising you...

His family's all bloody Germans, anyway.

Well, he certainly can't be criticising me -

I always came top of the class.

Oh, they teach it in remedial schools, do they?

All I mean putting is...

Call me an old cynic, Gus, but I can't help wondering

if this concern over prince Philip's views

has anything to do with the fact

that you're meeting him at a charity dinner on Wednesday.

Certainly not.

The interface between this job and my private life has a zero rating.

Though, obviously, as I understand it,

I shall be sitting diagonally opposite him.

I expect his highness and I will exchange... a few words.

I expect he'll be delightful. I've met princess di.

I nearly pulled princess Margaret once.

I nearly got run over by mark Phillips.

Damien, I want to check your slum landlord piece.

Yep, I've got it here. And I've checked it with the lawyers.

Now, I've based it on this one company with a terrible record.

High rents, harassment,

and they habitually ignore council orders to improve safety.

Er, this isn't Rochester holdings, is it?

No, why? Oh, there's no reason.

It's just an enterprise of sir royston

that provides vitally needed short-term accommodation

at the non-luxury end of the market.

So, Damien, please, let's see your piece.

Yep, it's all based around this guy you're about to see.

Extreme good looks, extreme charm, extreme bastard. There he is.

Les!

Les white.

Well, that's his name, les white.

I read about him in time out.

What's this? This is the funeral

of a tenant who died of pneumonia,

brought on by living in a particularly damp flat.

That's an interesting low-angle shot.

Almost looks as if the cameraman had to stand in the grave.

Damien...

Well, I mean, the vicar gave permission.

What?

He even wanted to do a retake on the "ashes to ashes" bit.

He'd always wanted to be on songs of praise, you see.

In fact, he's got this idea for a religious quiz show -

saviour of the century.

And he gave me this sitcom script to read - halo, halo.

Damien, you have no judgement.

For once, you've done what is basically a well-researched piece,

and you go and put these cheap shots in. They've got to go.

Come on, George, these help make it a punchy, audience-grabbing item.

Don't you think they should stay, Gus?

No. There, you se... what?

Prince Philip wouldn't approve.

Come on, back to this funeral.

Erm, this les white character, did you interview him?

Oh, yes. More slippery than a barrel full of heseltines.

At least this is a high-angle shot.

Yeah, yeah. I mean, the low-angle stuff was great,

but, er, I decided to call it a day.

The relatives?

No, no, unfortunately, Gerry put his foot through the coffin lid.

Oh, my god!

You know, Damien, I'm surprised you didn't keep filming.

George, that would have been tasteless.

Nice bank holiday weekend, then?

Er... put my feet up, listened to the radio, read a couple of books.

Sounds nice.

Would've been if I hadn't been sitting on the m25.

Guttural: Gaddafi.

Gaddafi. Guttural: Gaddafi.

Caddafi. Guttural: Gaddafi.

Can't I just say "that mad git in Libya"?

Look, just what is the point of this ludicrous exercise?

Helena is a speech enhancement consultant, Henry.

She specialises in purifying diction.

My diction's better than prince bloody Philip's anyway.

At least I can say "about" and not "a-bite".

Phone, George. Who is it?

Some vicar with an idea for a religious current affairs programme

called good news at ten.

He mentioned Damien.

Put him onto sky. Rupert Murdoch's been born again.

Can only be an improvement on the first time.

Oh, no! What?

It's that man. Huh?

The one from Damian's slum landlord piece.

Excuse me, who's in charge here? He is.

He's the fellow you want. George dent, the boss man.

Hi. You probably recognise me.

My name's les white. And I'm seriously concerned

I'm going to be misrepresented on one of your reports.

Ah, er, which report's this, then?

George, what does this...?

Oh, god. Alex?

Les.

Do you two know each other?

A little. We were married for three years.

You never mentioned this. What do you expect me to have said?

"Yes, I used to be married to the new rachman"?

Now, that's just not true.

A 24-carat shyster, a conman, a total sod!

Right, well, I can see you two have a lot to catch up on, so...

No, no, please, stay. I want to talk to you.

George, this report on the teenage mugger

who reformed and founded a victim support group,

is he still a youth, or has he become a youngster?

Er, yes, I wanted to talk to you about that.

George...

What the hell are you doing here?

I can't believe you're still so bitter.

Whatever makes you think I was bitter?

Well, when you left,

you did engrave "les has a small cock" on the lawn in weedkiller.

Alex, I know I treated you badly,

but people do change, you know?

That Damian day of yours has got completely the wrong idea about me.

The way he interviewed me, you'd... think I was Adolf Hitler.

I bet Adolf Hitler never tried to convince his wife

he caught a certain communicable disease

from borrowing someone else's cricket box.

Very funny. Of course, Hitler never got married.

Wrong, as ever. He did, in 1945.

Although he committed suicide a few minutes later.

An attitude to marriage I completely understand.

Just leave me alone.

All right, look, I just came here to speak to someone

about this hatchet job you're doing on me.

And you never knew I was here? No.

Honestly.

I can't say I'm not glad to see you again, though.

You know, Alex, there was never anyone else like you.

You should know, you tried all the possible alternatives.

I just think it's fair your company lets me see that report.

If you've got a request, put it through your solicitor.

But it's emotive and inaccurate. Look, accuracy is our business, ok?

I mean, we are a news operation,

and we are objective and totally free from emotion

whenever we investigate any contr-o-versy.

It's controversy. Oh, shut up, you silly bitch!

Thanks for having a drink with me.

Wouldn't leave the office till I agreed, would you?

What would you like?

Er, glass of house white, please. And mineral water for me.

A mineral water?

Oh, yes, I'm teetotal these days.

Sorry about when we were together. I know I used to drink a bit.

"Used to drink a bit"?

You were a founding member of alcoholics conspicuous.

Yes, well, I'm sober now. I've changed a lot.

So, in what other ways have you changed, then?

Well, for a start, I've become Christian.

She chokes are you ok?

You? A Christian? I don't believe it.

I'm telling you, I'm a Christian.

Oh, my god, you're not gonna pull on a polo neck

starts singing Kumbaya, are you?

Les white, a Christian...

How did it happen?

Well...

..When we split up, I... I went to pieces.

Went on a massive bender.

One morning, I woke up wet,

shivering on the embankment, and I thought...

"This is it, the end."

And then this mobile soup kitchen rolled up run by a catholic priest.

We became friends, and...

Inspired by him and the good book, I found Jesus.

Well, I'll be buggered.

You are a Christian.

God-fearing, religious, slum landlord Christian.

Listen, those flats may not be bijou luxury apartments,

but I run them as a housing trust

for people who hit rock bottom, like I nearly did.

Look, I'm sorry.

Alex, I just thought that you, of all people,

might the prepared to give me a chance.

Even though I realise you no longer have any real feelings for me.

'But I do, that's the trouble.

'Mustn't let him see it.

'What I need is an expression of total disinterest.

'There...

'Oh, that looks like indigestion.

'Ok, just keep calm, Alex.

'Remember what it's like sharing a bed with a vomit-stained adulterer

'who staggered in at three o'clock in the morning.

'And what it's like sharing a bed...

'Sharing a...

'Get a grip, Alex. Get that disinterested look back.

'That's it.'

are you all right?

You look like you've got indigestion.

I'm fine.

Look, I've got to go.

So don't expect me to help you over Damien's story.

And don't bother me at the office.

And don't ring me at home.

And don't interfere in my life ever again!

And don't look my number up in the phone book either.

After me.

Mandela and mubarak met mugabe in mafeking on Monday.

Actually, I think you'll find it's mif-eking.

Please, I do know how to say mafeking.

Anyway, they'd be much more likely to meet in pretoria.

Everything all right? Both: No!

Fantastic. You'll knock them out of the ballpark.

What ballpark's this, then, Gus?

What sort of game do they play in this ballpark?

Well, it's a... it's a metaphorical ballpark.

It's a park that's... Full of balls,

like everything you say, Gus.

All right, Alex, take it easy.

He drives me mad, always banging on about standards and language.

I've never heard him say anything I understand as English. Alex...

It's only so he can tell prince Philip he started a campaign.

What is all this about?

It's just I'm wondering why an intelligent woman

of sound judgement and impeccable taste

should find herself perpetually attracted to shits.

Ah, well... it's the mystery of human biology.

Take me. For some reason

I'm irresistibly attracted to short, dark women.

With large, aggressive husbands.

See this, Dave?

Unconfirmed reports of a train crash in Malaysia.

We've already got 180 dead in that mining disaster in yugoslavia.

There's not a lot of space.

But it says here that, in this train crash,

there could be two English dead.

Oh, well, we'd better use it, then. Let's not be cynical, Alex.

What shall we call it? A disaster or a tragedy?

Or maybe it's a catastrophe.

Oh, no, for that, we would need 500 dead malayans,

or 200 dead yugoslavs, or 10 dead englishmen.

Or one dead royal corgi.

Oh, dear, has one of the royal corgi's died?

Or 2,000 dead newsreaders.

Oh, no, that would be a celebration, wouldn't it?

Time of the month?

Have you been invited to appear on this telethon, Henry?

I don't do telethons on principle.

I don't agree with financing kidney units by filming gullible viewers

riding backwards on unicycles with their underpants over their head.

It's degrading, and I don't approve.

Oh, that's funny.

I could have sworn I saw you on last year's telethon,

reading the news in a bath full of custard

while the krankies pelted you with jam doughnuts.

That was you, wasn't it? Yes.

I've been asked to do something much more dignified.

I shall be reading some charity news sitting next to a handicapped child.

Right. Where are you going?

To ring the nspcc.

Alex...

Is something upsetting you?

Well, George, you're obviously a great student of the human psyche.

You tell me. Well, I just thought that possibly...

Yes?

Well, no, I just wondered

if maybe your ex-husband turning up like that had... had...

Knocked you a teeny bit off balance?

George, that is incredibly stupid, even by your standards.

Do you seriously think I would let a man like that affect me?

Er, no. I'm sorry, of course not.

Although, purely objectively,

I do think we should run a check on that story about him.

Why?

Well, to check both sides of the story.

It's called being professional.

Yes, ok.

So, you're not going to be seeing him again?

Why, is it home by ten and no snogging behind the bike sheds?

If you really want to know, yes, I am seeing him again.

But you needn't worry.

Because I will never, ever put myself in a position

where my professionalism could possibly be compromised.

They both moan

it's a long time since we did that.

Way back before the days of safe sex.

Yes, well, your idea of safe sex is when the husband was out.

Anyway, I thought you catholics

weren't supposed to wear those things,

or is that only on Fridays?

Well, this priest told me that, provided you by the coloured ones,

they classify as a fashion accessory, not a contraceptive.

So, you assumed we'd end up in bed together, did you? No.

Then why did you have a packet of condoms on you?

I was just being responsible.

Anyway, you've got a packet as well,

so you must've assumed we'd end up in together.

Not at all!

Don't look so smug. They haven't got your name written on them.

I've been carrying them around in my handbag for years, actually.

You wouldn't be here if they weren't near their sell-by date.

Oh, Alex, why did we ever split up?

I don't know.

Yes, I do, because you were a complete sod.

Yes, I was.

Listen, god knows why I've done this, but I've asked George

to double-check Damien's story about you.

So you do believe me? I'm not saying I believe anyone.

I mean, you've got a pretty poor track record.

But then Damien's not always 100% truthful.

In fact, he's not always 20% truthful.

Yes, I could just imagine.

Still, let's not worry about Damien.

Let's concentrate on you and me.

We talking sex here? Yes. Good.

I got these in the garage.

If I get through another 24, I get a free tumbler.

Ok, so, who wants to enter the sweepstake?

Fiver a go. Pick the day the war's gonna start. George.

Do you feel lucky?

I'm not entering into something like that.

Me neither. All the best dates have gone.

What's the latest on the Gulf?

Just another statement from Thatcher saying,

"Saddam is an odious tyrant who used chemical warfare against the kurds,"

and she found that disgusting.

She was so appalled, she nearly stopped selling weapons to him.

Lots more troop movements, I see.

Look, George, this war is coming any day now,

and I want to go out there and cover it.

I don't think that'd be wise.

Certainly wouldn't. He's got Friday in the sweepstake.

Yes, that sounds lovely.

Ooh, I was just wondering, exactly how handicapped is this child?

I mean, I take it his handicap won't be, how shall we say, off-putting?

I wouldn't want one who dribbled or anything.

Oh. Have you got any other handicapped children

I could do it with?

Morning, Gus. Oh, good morning, Alex.

Oh, nice suit, Gus.

Yes, from the moss bros urban pimp collection, isn't it?

Nice use of humour, Henry.

A quick word on protocol.

You've, er... you've met the Duke of Edinburgh.

Did you call him your royal highness or your majesty?

Neither. I called him Philip, you old bastard.

Mind you, we'd had a few to drink by then.

Alex, what's with this note?

I've already got you the Jeffrey archer still.

I know, but I asked for one where he wasn't looking smug.

I went through over 60.

I just thought you should know,

the les white story's been checked again,

and it all stands up, so...

I hope you're going to be very careful if you're seeing him again.

Oh, don't worry. Last time we met, I made sure I took precautions.

Here you are. Jeffrey archer doesn't look smug in that.

Not surprising. He's only three months old.

Anyway, he does still look smug. It's amazing.

Those dimples.

Some more reactions to the guinness convictions.

City spokesman says

that they broke the stock market's unwritten code of honour.

What's that? Don't get caught.

See, this story, it's so difficult to translate

so that the layman can actually understand it.

And they've been found guilty of theft, false accounting...

That's theft.

Conspiracy to inflate shares. That's theft.

The defendants say they didn't realise they were acting illegally.

That's bollocks.

George... George, what is the meaning of this memo?

Well, this is just a reminder, you see, Henry,

that when you're introducing the test match report,

you have to do now refer to it as the fosters oval.

I refuse. It's the oval.

It belongs to cricket, not to a bunch of colonial wideboys

who produce some fizzy brew

made from the excretions of incontinent wallabies!

What next, for god's sake, hm?

The fa cup final played at rumbelow stadium

between Tottenham hotpoint and queens park range rovers?

It's the oval, and that's that.

Thank god there's someone here

who's prepared to preserve certain standards.

No. No, no, no, I'm sorry,

I definitely do draw the line at amputees.

And besides, I don't think it's fair on the child.

Well, look, I tell you what, fax me across some pictures

with a comprehensive list of their disabilities, and I'll choose one.

Have you seen this?

I'm splashed all over the bloody standard.

They've done a hatchet job on me.

They go on about how I've exploited grief...

Deliberately staged news stories?!

God, I've half a mind to sue them for libel.

Well, why don't you? Well, cos it's all true.

I'm mean, they've got all the details

about the filming in the grave

and other things going back god knows how far.

Oh, dear, oh, dear. Well, Damien, if you've been discredited,

I'm afraid there's no way we can run your slum landlord piece.

Oh, come on, Gus! Not until this lot dies down.

We don't want our standards being called into question by prince...

Principally the broadcasting standards commission.

Do we, George? No, no, certainly not.

They've certainly got very good sources.

Where do you think they've got all this material from, Alex?

Alex? Alex!

Surprise, surprise.

Your neighbour let me in.

You're angry about something, aren't you?

Is it that article?

You knew I was working in the newsroom, didn't you?

Yes.

And you walked in there with the sole intention

of using me to try and stop that story.

Yes.

So, it was all an act? Well...

I did lie about the christianity and the priest

and the drinking and the housing trust,

but apart from that, it's all perfectly honest and above board.

I honestly have fallen for you again.

What?

Look at it this way - if I'm not serious about you,

why am I here? I've got what I wanted.

I honestly have fallen for you again.

What do you say?

Well, les, I've got a bit of the problem here.

You see, you are clearly a person without any moral dimension,

and therefore...

If I try to explain why I'm so upset,

you won't be able to understand.

So, under the circumstances...

..The only viable course open to me is...

Ooh!

..That.

Right, the guinness trial.

I must say, I found the whole guinness affair utterly absorbing.

Really?

Full of fascinating insight.

I mean, until I saw mrs Ronson wear it,

I would never have matched lilac and green like that.

For goodness sake!

Still can't believe Ronson got off so lightly.

Well, I think he's been punished enough.

After all, he'll have to live with his shame.

That's not a defence available to a common criminal, is it?

"Sorry I knocked off five million from a security van, your honour,

"but I will just have to live with the shame."

Ah, Alex, now we can...

How did you get that?

Head-butting les.

You head-butted les?

Well, first, I head-butted him.

Ah, right, er...

Fine. Well, what would be great

is if we could get some sort of statement

on the recalling of parliament from the prime minister.

Any ideas on that?

Well, we could always try Alex's technique

and send someone off to sleep with her.

No news story is worth that scale of human sacrifice.

George, yet again, you are letting this meeting get out of control.

Yes, well, I bow to your judgement as a pillar of professionalism.

All right, I've apologised.

Now, I'll resign if you want,

but I'm getting sick and tired of this constant sniping.

Yes, we better not behave badly,

or she might sell the story to the newspapers.

Or head-butters.

Don't tempt me!

How, look, let's cut out all this abuse, huh?

I mean, I know we all thought of Alex as being as tough as old boots,

but I think we should realise, on the personal front,

she is as vulnerable and damaged as anyone

who's just made a real mess of a relationship.

Yeah, thanks, Dave. On second thoughts, I'll stick with the abuse.

Oh, Gus, how did the dinner with prince Philip go?

Did you talk to him?

Yes, we had a... short chat.

Did his royal dullness go on at you about media standards?

No, no, no. Sloppy language?

No. What did he say to you, then?

He said...

He said, erm...

"Why don't you people ever do anything

"about these appalling slum landlords?"

Ok. Yeah, all right, thanks. Sally, that was the telethon people.

They say forget the handicapped kid, they want you to do something else.

Oh, right.

They want you to sit in a bath full of custard reading the news

while the krankies pelt you with jam doughnuts.

Sally: Isn't it marvellous

that prince Charles is having his op on the nhs?

Henry: Oh, yes. One of the country's biggest landowners,

who's never paid any national insurance,

injures himself playing some pointless game

and then gets treated at the public's expense?

Oh, that makes perfect sense, doesn't it (?)

You've been drinking, haven't you?

Polo should be banned. It's a cruel and barbaric spectacle.

Those poor, dumb animals running around, crashing into each other.

I think the polo ponies quite enjoy it!

I'm not talking about the ponies, I'm talking about the royals.

Who else would be so stupid

as to try and play croquet sitting on top of a horse?

I think you'd better go and lie down, Henry.

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