Original subtitles

And now, drop the dead donkey.

This episode was first shown in a week where investigations

into possible police corruption gathered momentum,

and the Western powers mobilised against Saddam Hussein.

Got an awful lot to get through today, please,

so try and bear with me.

Why don't we do something on this us stealth bomber?

Apparently, on radar, it looks just like a small seagull.

Wouldn't the Iraqis get suspicious

when their radar spots seven seagulls flying in formation

towards Baghdad at 900 miles an hour?

Right, I just want to do a very brief post-mortem

on yesterday's bulletin.

Damien, your item on mad cow disease.

Look, it was not my fault that the pictures were so dull, George.

Every cow in that herd had bse.

But could we get any of them to stagger around

in a wobbly kind of way? No.

They just lay there, doing bugger all, looking totally sane.

Even after we lobbed in the firecrackers.

What do you mean, firecrackers? You know, to get them...

No, no, no.

Right, now... phone rings

yes? Well, I'm in the middle of...

All right, put her on.

I'm sorry about this, everybody.

Yes, love, what is it?

Well, the builders should know

whether it's a load-bearing wall or not.

No, put Gary on.

Gary, look, is it a load-bearing wall or not?

Actually, Gary, I don't think,

"well, there's only one way to find out,"

constitutes a professional opinion, thank you.

No, you get Norman to ring me.

In the meantime, you don't touch any walls,

any electrics, anything, all right?

Where was I? Any questions. Ah, yes. Sally?

Why is it that yet again this week

I've ended up announcing so many depressing stories?

Chemical weapons in the Gulf, massacres in soweto.

If this continues, people will start to associate me with gloom,

depression... nausea, disgust. She's right, I'm doing it already.

I'm sorry, Sally, but I think you're just going to have to accept

that, at the moment, the news tends towards the gloomy side.

How are we going to cover this report coming out on Thursday

about the chemical spillage in Scotland?

It levels some pretty damning accusations at kemgreen,

which is one of sir royston merchant's companies.

As, in effect, are we. Do we have a free hand on this one? Gus?

You're sir royston's representative here. Please.

As I've said before, I'm very much the new microchip in your mainframe.

So, if you feel this is a big story, then, of course,

you must go for it. Right. Thanks, Gus. So...

Of course, I suppose that's the big question, really, isn't it?

Is this genuinely a big story?

I sometimes wonder if we brits are just a little bit parochial.

When you look at the international situation, the violence in kashmir,

the killings in Liberia... I bet I get those.

All I'm floating is, are we 101% sure this story

is worth the coverage? Of course it is.

Yes, I think it is, Gus.

Fine. George, you're the editor. I'm not here. Right.

Well, if that's everything, thank you very much, everybody.

Well done, George, you stick to your guns.

What's the worst that can happen? Say he fires you, who cares?

You'd still have your dignity. Keep it up.

George, you have got to control these meetings.

This has just come through from the press association.

I'm warning you, George,

if I get government statistics on cervical cancer,

you'll be hearing from my agent, ok?

George, have you had any more ideas

on my thought for a live discussion programme?

Damien, look, we've been through this.

Come on, I'd be responsible, and I'd concentrate on the major issues.

You know, like NATO, inflation, euthanasia.

Yes, I can hear it now. "Join us after the break

"where we'll be switching off Alice's life-support machine."

The answer is no.

George, Gus says when you've got a moment for him

to drop something into your toaster to see if it pops up.

Yeah, sure. George!

It's Gary. He says is brown live or neutral?

Gary, look, I said you don't touch the electrics, all right?

Just do the plastering in the bathroom, all right?

I'm just going to say, Alex, that I'm totally in control, thank you.

George! Coming, Gus.

Ah, George. Please, sit down.

George, I just wanted to say one thing.

I like you.

Right. Er, thanks.

I like what you do and the way that you do it.

I like the way you're handling this chemical spillage number.

You know, a lesser man might start to fall apart

at the thought of criticising the man

who effectively owns the company. But not you, George.

Oh, sorry, coffee?

Oh, I forgot. How is the ulcer?

Well, it's healing, you know.

Good. And the eczema?

It's a nervous thing, really. It sort of comes and goes.

Does it? What rotten luck.

Anyway, George, all I wanted to say was don't worry.

I'm sure sir royston will understand,

and he seems to have mastered that uncontrollable rage of his.

It's been weeks since he's sacked anyone.

Anyway, I know you've got lots to do.

You're still sure it's a major news story? Yes.

Fine. Oh, by the way, almost forgot.

Those management consultants, princely, smethers and Smith,

we roped into assessing our operations here

delivered their report.

Have a skim, will you? Plug it into your mindset.

Right. See you. See you, George.

Dave, you haven't seen Damien, have you? No, why?

He promised me some copies of his prostitution in Bangkok report.

What's this? What are you doing?

As company dogsbody, I've been given the riveting job

of updating the obituaries

so they're ready for when the relevant celeb pegs out.

This is edwina currie's.

I'm rather enjoying this one.

Edwina currie is no age at all. Why would she die?

The publicity?

Things have been very quiet for her recently.

Anyway, I hope she snuffs it soon.

That's a terrible thing to say.

You may disapprove of her politics, but...

Oh, no, it's not her politics. I've drawn her in the sweepstake.

We're running a sweepstake

on which of the obituaries gets broadcast next,

and I've got edwina currie.

The rules state that any cause of death is permissible,

except assassinations, which don't count.

Does George dent know you're running this macabre lottery? Of course not.

I can't believe it.

Running a sweepstake on when people will die, it's grotesque!

It's obscene! �500 in the pot.

I'm in. How much is a stake? 30 quid.

There we are. All right. You shut your eyes and you pick out a name.

Who've you got? Kylie minogue.

I don't believe it. What's she doing in there?

She's only about 12, isn't she?

Kylie minogue! I stand no chance.

Oh, well, you never know. I suppose something might happen.

I told you, assassinations don't count. Don't even think about it.

"Henry Davenport, Kylie minogue..."

Why couldn't I have picked one of these old relics?

Lord chalfont, Barbara cartland, lord Carrington,

roald dahl, Henry Davenport, lord denning, dame Elizabeth...

Sorry about that, Henry.

Didn't realise that one was there. It shouldn't be there, really.

It should be, erm...

Well, somewhere where you wouldn't have seen it. Sorry.

We, er, we made it a few years back when you had that heart attack.

So you all think I've got one foot in the grave,

that I'm knocking at death's door? Not at all...

I'll have you know there's an office full of women out there,

and, in the last year, I've shafted five of them!

Keep your voice down!

Look, these obituaries, they're nothing to do with age,

they're... eulogies.

They're tributes, they show how much someone has achieved.

Then what's Kylie minogue doing there?

Eddie "the eagle" Edwards?

Nicholas Parsons?! Look, these are two minutes long.

Eddie Edwards is 20 seconds long, to be precise,

whereas yours, Henry, yours is one hour long.

You see, it's a special programme devoted entirely to your memory.

On account of your... stature.

My stature? Your stature, yes.

I mean, look, you don't see an obituary up here

for Sally smedley, do you? No. Exactly.

Because she is a brainless ex-breakfast TV bimbo

who has achieved bugger all.

But you, Henry, you are a national broadcasting institution.

You're right, of course. Play it, will you?

What?

Play my obituary. Oh, er, well, I don't think I can, Henry.

I mean, the people who contributed to this did so on the assumption

that you'd never see it, on account of your being dead.

Look, Dave, I won't get upset. I just think

it would be a very interesting metaphysical experience

to see one's own obituary, that's all.

You want to know what people say about you. I don't.

Yes, you do.

I do not, I couldn't care less. Oh. Good.

Why, what do they say about me?

Well, nothing uncomplimentary... Well, why can't I see it?

Because... Dave, why can't I see it?

I'm sorry, Henry, but to show you this

would be unhealthy and unethical.

All I will tell you is that the programme,

Henry Davenport remembered, is a moving televisual tribute

to a respected broadcaster,

beautifully structured and lovingly filmed.

Really? Really.

And the car chase in the middle is brilliant.

Good evening, the main headlines tonight.

President bush has said he will not negotiate over the hostages.

Saddam Hussein has warned of a bloodbath if Iraq is attacked.

And George dent has been sacked.

His replacement as editor at globelink news

will be sir royston merchant's pet gerbil, disraeli,

who has promised not to run the kemgreen story.

But first, home news from Sally.

A house in ealing collapsed today

after workmen had removed every single load-bearing wall.

One of the workmen, called Gary,

was revealed to be an escaped psychopath,

who goes around deliberately destroying people's homes.

Voice echoes

George.

George... haven't you got a home to go to? I doubt it.

What time is it? Quarter to midnight.

I fell asleep reading this. What is it?

It's that report from Gus' management consultants,

poncey, smartarse and smug, whatever their bloody names are.

Apparently, I'm deeply disorganised. Can you believe that?

"Deeply disorganised."

I'm going to underline that bit.

Ah, thank you.

"He's clearly someone who is prone to bouts of stress."

You are. Honestly, this report...

Forget this report. Relax.

Why don't you take some days off?

And who the hell would run this place?

Oh, well, thanks a bunch.

I mean, it's nice to know I have your complete confidence.

Oh, Alex...

Don't think I don't appreciate your support, because I do.

I mean, the marvellous thing about you, Alex,

is, at the end of the day,

I know I can always rely on you to back me up.

And I really appreciate that.

Henry Davenport was a remarkable broadcaster.

Though he was not necessarily always an easy man to work with.

In fact, his office nickname was grumpy.

And sometimes he'd just explode, like a bomb.

But, er, we all loved him.

Five minutes till we're on air. Standby vt two, vt one.

Right, so then we'll do

the west Midlands serious crime squad investigation.

Several important documents have gone missing.

They'll probably claim the Birmingham six stole them

while they were beating themselves up.

Ok, you two, at the end, we'll put bse in.

Damien's got some better pictures, cows stumbling around,

foaming at the mouth, et cetera. But we're still 30 seconds over,

so let's lose princess Margaret's birthday party, ok?

Oh, I thought that was nice. Did you get that change, Henry?

Who knows? Maybe, maybe not.

What's the matter with him today? Cooperate will you, Henry?

Oh, you know me, dear boy.

I'm not necessarily an easy man to work with. Henry...

Henry (?)

Yes, Henry, that is your name, isn't it?

Is it? I thought it was grumpy.

I thought I'd begin this evening's news,

"good evening, this is the news read by grumpy."

And dopey! I heard that!

Yes, but did you understand it, dopey? Pack it in, Henry.

Careful, George, because sometimes I can explode.

Yells: Like a bomb!

But it doesn't matter, because you all love me.

All right.

Who showed Henry his obituary?

The so-called obituary contains 12 factual errors.

How did he get to see it? I don't know, I locked it away.

I said I want the obituary re-edited,

I resent its carping tone.

Perhaps we could deal with this later? Hear, hear.

We haven't time to discuss some vain old poser's obituary.

They haven't made one for you. What do you mean?

It wasn't worth it, apparently.

Because you're a brainless ex-breakfast TV bimbo

that's achieved bugger all. Isn't that right, Dave?

Cheers, Henry. Eddie "the eagle" Edwards has got one.

And anneka rice. But you haven't.

Is this true?

Look, we can talk about this later. Now, can we please get on?

Phone rings

yes? Yes, Gary.

What do you mean, where do I keep the fire extinguishers?

No, never mind being prepared. Look, I said don't touch the wiring.

Just concentrate on the plastering in the bathroom, all right?

Sorry about that.

Now, glancing forward to tomorrow's running order.

I see that the report

on the chemical spillage is being published.

So I think that should go in at item 26. Item 26.

So where would that go out in the final news bulletin?

About the fifth item. Unless it gets forced lower by bigger stories.

We leave gaps in case that happens.

Even the hugest story would only go in at number five.

So, the kemgreen story is at 26. At 30...

26. You know, that does seem very high-profile.

And I wonder if it's more constructive

to address these very valid green issues

from a more global perspective.

Well, I hear what you're saying, Gus,

but I really don't think we can neglect this story.

Of course we can't.

It's important, significant. And we've got some great footage.

You know, of dead fish floating down the river, the water all scummy...

Damien. Damien.

I think we ought to run this story, Gus,

and you did promise no interference.

Absolutely. Point taken. I'm not here.

Do I really not have my own obituary in the tape room?

I'm a national celebrity, I mean, what if something happened to me?

I could step under a bus tomorrow. Would you? We'd be so grateful.

Shut up, Davenport. I want an obituary, George.

And I want my obituary edited!

Right, I do not want to hear the word "obituary" again today.

Now, whilst we're on the subject of obituaries,

it's come to my attention

that Jeremy beadle's tape is wearing extremely thin

because people keep playing it for fun. So pack it in.

Right, now this meeting is over.

Alex, you couldn't step into my den for quick head-bang, could you?

In a minute, Gus.

George, I've got another government statement here,

saying that fears about declining educational standards

are exaggerated.

Spelt with three gs.

Hey, you know that latest mad cow footage of Damien's? Yeah.

The farmer's on the phone.

He says he's just found out his cattle feed is full of fairy liquid.

Hello there...

Alex, I like you.

Really?

And you know what I like most about you?

Surprise me. Your loyalty.

You're happy in that role of solid support module.

That's what I told those management consultants.

I'm sorry?

Well, their report recommends that you take over George's job.

And that George be moved into a less demanding role,

something more eczema-friendly.

But I told them, you can forget that gameplan.

Alex pates' mental parameters

extend no further than merely backing up George.

Do they now?

And so it means we're still looking for someone

to fill George's pivotal role.

Someone who knows the terrain, someone who's organised,

someone with the right suitability quotient.

Does anyone come to mind?

Possibly. Could you possibly elaborate on possibly?

Well, what I'm saying is, Gus,

that, er, I'm thinking of redrawing my mental parameters

regarding suitability quotient for roles in pivotal terrain.

Got you.

Ok, I just want to talk us through our coverage

of the notting hill carnival this weekend.

The police have provided the usual map.

Now, at point a, they'll provide some jovial constables

who'll be dancing with large cuddly west Indian women.

At point b, there'll be some more jovial constables

who'll be letting young rastas try on their helmets.

And at point c, there's gonna be some constables

from the ethnic minorities.

Now get there early, because they're gonna be moving them around

so it looks like there's more of them. Ok, now the riot.

The riot, we expect to take place at the usual place

roundabout eight o'clock on Monday, ok?

We've got the usual flat with the good view of the crossroads.

You pick up the key from mrs Sullivan, number 85,

as per last year. Ok? Ok, thank you.

Damien, what on earth have you got there? This is next door's cat.

I'm just looking after it for them. You want to be careful.

Cats can get bse, you know. I know.

Thing is, Gus, it's a point of principle.

I said in front of everyone that Henry couldn't re-edit his obituary.

Now I can't go back on that. Absolutely.

It would be wrong for you to change your decision.

That's why I changed it. What?

I felt we had a serious dialogue shortfall on our hands,

so I resolved the situation to ease your enormous workload.

How is the eczema, by the way?

It's fine. Everything's fine.

My workload's fine, I'm fine! Fine.

But, you see, you've still overturned my...

The point is, Gus, I thought you said that I was in charge.

George...

Believe me, you're in charge as you ever were.

Did anyone see that sex talk programme on channel 4 last night?

Sex is becoming like the bloody world cup.

Sod-all action, followed by hours of post-match analysis.

Everyone banging on about the female orgasm.

Before feminists were invented,

women used to lie back and be grateful.

Oh, my...!

I'm telling you, I'm telling you,

whenever a woman comes back to my place, the earth moves.

From what I've heard, she'd be extremely lucky

if any part of your anatomy moved.

All right, all right, all right, I want to do a follow-up on bse,

but no pictures this time, thank you, Damien.

No foaming cows.

No cats that have been dosed up with benylin.

Bse is at 31, the kemgreen spillage story stays at 26.

George, I was wondering about the kemgreen thing.

Is this story really worth carrying?

You've changed your tune.

One should keep an open mind.

Yes. How is the obituary coming along, Henry?

It's editing together nicely, thank you. So's mine.

It seemed only fair to be even-handed.

I think that perhaps Henry does have a point about this kemgreen story.

Hang on.

How have you been nobbled? No, no, don't tell me.

The live discussion programme.

It's only a try-out, George.

To see if Damien's baby has legs.

I think you've walked into an ambush, George.

Does anyone else feel the kemgreen story's not worth running?

Well, I've got my doubts about it.

Well, stop me, there's a surprise.

We are running this story because it is significant.

Isn't that right, Alex? Well...

Well what?

Well, there are a lot of stories surfacing just now

which might squeeze it out. Right.

Well, in the light of all your misgivings about it,

I've decided that the kemgreen story stays.

Because someone has to ensure that we select the news

on the basis of the public's right to know.

Rather than our own self-interest.

And if running this story and showing integrity and independence

means that I get the sack from sir royston merchant, then so be it.

George.

George, that was magnificent. I was proud of you, very proud.

Well, it needed saying. Absolutely. Sod sir royston.

We don't care, the kemgreen story stays. It certainly does.

Where do you want it in the running order? 99.

Yeah. There you go. Last item.

Probably get squeezed out by a late story.

I'll just go and check for late stories.

Thanks for those tapes, Damien. Cheers, Henry.

Henry shouldn't watch that prostitution in Bangkok stuff,

not with his heart. Where's the harm?

You're only saying that because you've got Henry in the sweepstake.

What sweepstake? I see you've moved it to 99.

Takes a strong man to change his mind, George.

Phone rings

yes? Oh, hello, Gary.

Yeah.

Have you finished re-plastering the bathroom?

Sure. Yeah, ok.

Fair enough.

Bye.

So, at least you got your bathroom finished, huh?

No, they didn't get time to finish it today.

Took them all afternoon to knock down the conservatory, apparently.

Which is fair enough, I suppose.

I didn't ask them to knock down the conservatory.

Dave: What's the latest on king Hussein's peace mission?

Damien: Pointless. The Americans won't accept anything less

than the restoration of the Democratic government in Kuwait.

What Democratic government in Kuwait?

It's a reasonably Democratic system. One sheikh, one vote.

Hello, telex from our westminster correspondent.

He reckons it looks like the mps are about to be recalled.

Why does he say that?

They just delivered 60 cases of Johnnie Walker

to the house of commons bar.

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