All language subtitles for Drop The Dead Donkey s01e02 Sallys Arrival.eng

And now, another showing
of drop the dead donkey.

This episode was originally
broadcast in a hot week in August,

when the enquiry into the guildford
four convictions gathered pace,

and Iraq's continued
occupation of Kuwait

put Britain on a war footing.

We seem to be running out of angles

on how to cover this
bloody Gulf crisis.

Well, how about if we did a piece

focusing on the psychology
of Saddam Hussein?

Oh, you know the kind of piece.

We get a psychiatrist to
discuss his megalomania,

his psychotic tendencies,
his tiny penis...

You don't know Hussein's
got a tiny penis.

I'm sorry, but any man who erects
80-feet-high posters of himself

on every street corner has
definitely got a tiny penis.

If you ask me, all these oil rigs in
Kuwait are one big Willy substitute.

Well, that's the answer to the
crisis, then, really, isn't it?

We just get Claire rayner
to give Saddam a ring

and reassure him that
size doesn't matter.

Look, can we please get off
the subject of tiny penises?

Now, the aspect of Saddam's
character that I find...

The man's mad. You'll never
believe what he's done.

What?

He's played on, slashing
outside the off stump.

Bloody David gower!

Keeping abreast as usual, eh, Henry?

What's the latest military
situation in Kuwait?

Well, according to Peter
snow on newsnight,

the whole of the Gulf region is
completely overrun with dinky toys.

Can we be serious, please?

We should cover the fact that
our troops could be attacked

by Iraqi chemical weapons.

Yes, it'd be horrendous, wouldn't it,

if British soldiers came
back scarred by poison gas.

Yeah, where would Thatcher hide
them during the victory parade?

Let's not get cynical, David.

Now, any general comments
on our war coverage so far?

Yes, it is very lacklustre.

I should be out there.

If it was me, I'd be on the front
line covering the fighting.

You'd be on the front line
starting the fighting.

Right, any more offers?

What about the situation
in nagorno karabakh?

Oh, come on, we've
milked that to death.

You don't like it cos
you can't pronounce it.

Dear girl, which one of the
two of us is the newsreader

they use in schools as a guide
to English pronunciation?

My diction is unimpeachable.

Yes, how many letters of
complaint did we receive

when you got the turkish
kurds back to front?

Yes, well, if we could move on...

George! George, my piece
on Nazi football fans.

It's very important

now that English clubs are
allowed back into Europe.

What exactly is
sensationalist about it?

Usually victims of violence are
only interviewed after the attack,

not before and during, as well.

Now, I'm not here, as you know.

Right after sir roysten's
friendly takeover,

I made it crystal clear that
decision-making was a ground level,

rather than an executive input.

Nevertheless, as the man in the
street, who's not in the room,

I have to say, I liked it.

Well, I must say, there was
some really great camera work

right in there amongst the hooligans.

That was Gerry, wasn't it?

Yep. How is he now, Damien?

Oh, he's much better.
He's off the drip.

I really feel that that item...

Yes, well, of course, I'm not
saying I'm not putting it out.

I'll almost certainly use it, probably,

but I might need to re-edit it, maybe.

And that is final, possibly?

Yes, well, if that's all, meeting over.
Thank you, everyone.

George, Henry, Alex, can I
borrow you, just for a moment?

Dave, what's this word the Americans
keep using instead of blockade?

Interdiction. That's right.

Presumably, it's not gonna escalate
into a war, but a police action.

And it won't end up as a nuclear
holocaust, but as a bit of a Barney.

I'm a man of few words.

All I have to say is that, in my
role as a support module to you,

in the front line, at the
sharp end, decision makers,

it's been decided to
upgrade our market profile

by hiring a new newscaster...

What? ..To work alongside Henry.

I've not been consulted on this!

And provided George
is in full agreement.

Oh, for god's sake! Who is it, anyway?

Sally smedley.

Sally smedley?!

"Sally is an experienced journalist.

"She was a children's presenter
at radio Leicester, devising...

"Devising, compiling and
presenting smile-alonga-Sally.

"She did three months on
the sofas at breakfast TV,

"and she's worked as an
investigative journalist..."

"On John craven's newsround."

Gus, Susan is a highly-experienced
and deeply-professional newsreader.

Sally smedley is... a bimbo.

No, no, no, she isn't.

Oh, no, you're right. I forgot.

She was expelled from the national
union of bimbos for being too dim.

You've only gone for her
because she's attractive.

Is she? She certainly is.

Henry, try not to drool on the photo.

Well, I suppose she is
quite good-looking.

But, if anything, that
counted against her.

The real question is... does
little miss nagorno karabakh

out there stay?

Well, Susan, I feel sure,
will be eager to push forward

the parameters of her career
into new and fresh challenges

in exciting fields outside
this organisation.

Oh, you're giving her the boot. Good.

Gus, Susan has worked
with us for 15 years.

Are you seriously gonna go out there
and tell her she's been fired?

Oh, no, George.

It would be wrong of me to interfere
in any way in your operation.

I'm not telling her. I'll tell her.

No, no.

Gus, this decision has been reached
entirely without consultation.

George, I've told you
before, I am not here.

You are totally in control.

And if you want to review this
situation when Sally arrives...

When does she arrive?
In about 15 minutes.

Then, obviously... 15 minutes?!

We had to snap her up quickly,
George, when we had the chance.

But she's only here for a trial period.

And if at any point you
say she goes, she goes.

All right, but I'm holding you to that.

And another thing - no publicity.

I don't want the tabloids
kicking down the door on this.

George, I promise you,
it'll be terribly low-key.

Fanfare

reporters talk over each other

Sally, over here, Sally...
Sally, over here...

Very low-key (!)

I'm surprised Gus didn't
hire the red arrows!

Oh, they're fully booked, apparently.

Oh, I suppose we mustn't prejudge her.

Maybe she'll turn out
to be really nice.

Maybe she'll fit in well with the team.

Maybe she's mother Teresa
of Calcutta in disguise.

What's that? Nothing.

What are you running a book on now?

It's Henry's first words to Sally.

It's 7-1, "you're an attractive woman".

10-1, "if I said you had a beautiful
body, would you hold it against me?"

And 1,000-1, "fancy a shag?"

Where is Henry, anyway? Having
a drink in his dressing room.

Well, in that case, "fancy
a shag?" Is down to 10-1.

Dave, you're wasting
office time, you know.

Absolutely.

I'll have a fiver on "you're
a very attractive woman."

Gus: You know, I have always said it,

if you're nice to them,
they'll be nice to you.

Oh, you're so right, Gus.

And I was saying as much to
princess di only the other day.

Isn't she delightful?

Yes, isn't she?

I met her at a charity fashion
show - frocks for famine.

I auctioned my hat for Eritrea. Oh...

Sally smedley, George dent.

George. The man who
makes the decisions.

Dave charnley. Dave.

Damien day and Alex pates.

Hello, Alex. Wouldn't be a darling
and get me a coffee, would you?

You're right, I wouldn't.

I'm the assistant editor,
not the coffee fetcher.

Oh, I'm sorry, fancy mistaking
you for an underling.

Can't imagine why I did that.
Anyway, who's next?

Henry clears throat Henry
Davenport, Sally smedley.

Pleased to meet you.

What's a nice girl like you
doing in a place like this?

Damien: Yeah!

Starting a new phase
in my career, I hope.

I'm an experienced journalist...

Follow up to that bomb
in nagorno karabakh.

Ah, the Russian place.

What did I tell you? The
next Peter sissons.

News theme

good evening, I'm Sally
smedley and here is the news.

In the house of commons today...
Gus: Ah, hold it. Hold it.

I'm sorry, is there a problem?

Er, yeah. Sorry, Sally, I
know this is just a rehearsal

but here we don't introduce
ourselves before we read the news.

If you could just, you know,
read what's on the autocue.

I thought it was nice and cosy.

Yes, good idea.

I know, let's have some China
ducks going up the wall.

A nice crackling fire
behind the news desk.

You can toast crumpets while Henry
reads out the unemployment figures.

Look, is this damn
silly rehearsal over?

No, it is not.

We're just trying to give
Sally a sense of our style.

George, purely by way of information,

Sally's idea for an intro

is exactly the sort of informal
approach sir roysten likes.

Yes, well, he's gonna have to start
watching someone else's news

because it's certainly
not happening here.

I like that.

You've the guts to take personal
responsibility for a decision.

In history, I've always
admired people like that.

People with that sort of courage.

Charles I, Joan of arc,
Mary, queen of scots.

They were all executed.

Well, technically, yes, but
they won the moral argument.

Sally: Excuse me.

In the football hooliganism item,
the word after "chainsaws".

Shouldn't it read "machet-es"
rather than "machetes"?

Yes, it does. Yes.

No, there's no accent over the "e".

That's because there isn't one on
the typewriter for the autocue.

The one at John craven's
newsround has one.

Also, "embedded". Doesn't
that have two d's?

She can spell.

Yes.

Because otherwise I could read
it out "embeaded in his skull".

Wouldn't be very good, would it?
Sounds very silly.

Yeah, Sally, thank you very much.

George, big problem. That
football club are claiming that

Damien got those supporters
drunk deliberately.

Oh, god. Ah, look, er, that's
all for now, everybody.

Thank you, Sally.

Right. Well, if anyone wants me, I'm
at hatchards launching my book.

Your book?

Yes, it's all about how the
successful woman today

can keep fit but stay feminine.

I'll bring you back a copy, Alex.

Thanks.

Alex, we've got a leak on
the guildford four enquiry.

The somerset and avon police

say there's a Prima-facie
case against four officers.

They won't get convicted, though.
Why not?

You can't trust police
evidence, can you?

I think it's a sad reflection
on the intellectual capacity

of our police force if they can't
frame four innocent people

without making it
completely bloody obvious.

Yeah. There's a whisper going around

that they're very close
to arresting an ira cell.

Oh, right. Have you got names?

Oh, no, they haven't decided who yet.

And so I said to heseltine, I said,

"Mike," I said, "just answer
the bloody question."

Is that the vintage champagne? Si.

Excellent. You push off, I'll pour it.

I thought we'd celebrate
your first appearance.

It's hardly my first appearance.
I'm an exper...

..Experienced journalist. Oh, yes.
You did jolly well today.

Oh, thank you.

Yes, jolly well, because
a lot of girls your age

might've felt intimidated

presenting alongside a newsreader
as vastly experienced as me.

But not you, Sally.

Cheers.

Of course, I've been at this
game a long time, you know.

I know.

In fact, you're a bit of a
heart-throb in our family.

Oh, really?

My grandmother has quite
a thing about you.

Oh, really?

Yes, from your point of view,

watching an old warhorse like me in
action might be rather rewarding.

Did you see my interview
with heath in '74?

No. Took him to bits.

A lot of the commentators said it
was me who cost him the election.

Really?

Yes. Do you know the secret
of political interviewing?

No. You must listen very carefully
to what they're saying.

You must try and understand
their point of view,

and then you must ask yourself
the crucial question -

"how can I stitch up
this lying bastard?"

There. Some would pay a lot of
money for that sort of advice.

Yes.

Actually, do you mind if I give
you a bit of advice, Henry?

I'm sorry?

Only you did have a bit of trouble
with that item on nagorno karabakh.

You see, you'd enunciate
so much more clearly

if you opened your
mouth that bit wider.

What? Yes, that's better.

And if you put the tip your tongue
up to the top of your mouth,

would you say the 't' sound
so much more clearly.

Quite frankly, my dear,

I'd rather put the tip of my
tongue into someone else's mouth.

Sounds very unhygienic.

Waiter: Excuse me. I hope
I'm not disturbing you...

Yes, you are! I just wanted to
say, can I have an autograph?

Oh, all right, very well.

I'm a big fan of yours, miss smedley.

Who should I make it to?

Greaseball? Toni, with an 'i'.

To Toni. There you are.

Thank you, miss smedley.
Nice of you to ask me.

God, how I hate these
grubby little admirers.

Listen, now, where were we?

Pronunciation. Oh, yes, experience.

Do you know, Sally,

I think the combination of a
lovely little filly like yourself,

next to a seasoned anchorman like me

could give our newscasts a certain
vibrant sexual chemistry.

In fact, I think you could benefit
from my experience in lots of ways.

Well, Henry, no-one can say
you're not experienced.

In fact, the word I'd use is... old.

Old and raddled.

Old, raddled, pushy, arrogant

and, quite frankly, so
physically repugnant,

I'd rather go to bed with a
one-eyed, syphilitic warthog.

God, I do love it when
women play hard to get.

Can you believe this?

They're talking about
putting up the poll tax

to make up for the selfish
gits who haven't paid any yet.

You haven't paid your poll tax.
Oh, yeah, that's different.

I'm not paying on principle,

cos I feel it's a pernicious,
undemocratic tax

that penalises the
disadvantaged in our society.

And even more importantly...

You're skint. Correct.

Have you seen the tabloids?

Are they still leading on

"princess di wears
bikini shock horror"?

No. Henry's fracas in
an Italian restaurant.

They've all got it. Look. What?

"Newsroom Romeo's restaurant row".
Dave giggles

"headline Henry's hanky panky havoc".

Oh, and the sun's got "fork off".

Why?

That's what Sally stuck
in his hand, apparently.

There's a photo of Henry
looking completely smashed.

When was this taken? Any
night in the last 30 years.

Yes, can I help you?

Nice meal? Stifled giggles

do you know, I offered to take that
woman to bed and she turned me down.

Incredible, isn't it?

You wouldn't take her for
a lesbian, would you?

Poor girl, probably a hormone
deficiency or something.

Just because a woman
refuses sex with you,

it doesn't mean there's something's
wrong with her hormones.

It does in my book.

What book's that? "Sexual
harassment for beginners"?

Oh, look at this. They've got it wrong.

I didn't call that waiter a dirty dago,

I called him a filthy wop.

I pride myself on accurate bigotry.

Damien: Henry! Ah, Damien,
I want a word with you.

In a sec, George. Well, did
you sleep with her, then?

No! Right, that's a tenner you owe me.

Yeah, wait a minute. I've got
to get 20 off Henry first.

Damien, I said now! Yeah,
as soon as I get a coffee.

Well, I see we've made the
headlines this morning.

Yes, it's a terrible mess.

Eh? Oh, yes, yes, terrible...

Very, very sad.

Are we in any of the other papers?

We're in all of them. Oh, dear (!)

Morning, everyone. Lots
more news on Iraq, I see.

Well spotted.

I think we should just drop
some nuclear weapons on them.

I mean, we've got the
h-bomb, they haven't.

Thank you, Perez de cuellar.

Damien, in here. Now.

Listen, George, I did
not buy those thugs

as much as a half a lager.

I got accounts to send
up your expenses.

Did you?

Yes.

They include a receipt
for 172 cans of kestrel,

three flagons of cider and
eight bottles of whisky.

Well, it was during that
hot spell that we had.

Oh, look, all right, George,
it loosened their tongues.

It loosened their fists if
Gerry's anything to go by!

172 cans of kestrel! How
many of them were there?

Eight or nine.

Now, look, Damien... George,
these people are Nazis.

Now, any tactic is valid if it
exposes them for what they are.

That is my job.

Your job is to report the news.

It's just like that time
during the world cup

when you got all those fans drunk
so they'd abuse Colin moynihan.

George, you do not need
to get people drunk

to make them abuse Colin moynihan.

Sally: Oh, my god! Oh,
god, what's happening now?

Sally has just discovered that
Henry's fed all her copies

of "slim-alonga-Sally"
through the paper shredder.

You wait, George,

from now on it's going to
be world war III out there.

Oh, I'm sure it'll all blow over.

Just give 'em a couple of days.

They'll be feeling much more relaxed.

Henry: On the day when the crisis
intensified in the Gulf...

Stand-by vt...

There you are, you see? They're
looking much more relaxed.

That is the news. We'll be back at six.

Well, tight-arse, you were
total crap as always.

And so were you, you
brain-dead geriatric dinosaur.

That cow's got to go!

She is useless!

Yesterday, we were
discussing the cabinet

and I asked her what she
thought of portillo.

She said she'd been there on her
holidays but she preferred amalfi.

She's a monster.

She's been here three days

and already she's called Martin
in sound a tone-deaf retard,

and she wants Gillian in makeup fired

because she says she's too ugly!

Yes, look, I do understand
a lot of your complaints.

However, Gus has just given
me a set of overnight figures

which would seem to suggest she's
increasing our ratings considerably.

Right. Which is obviously
the prime consideration.

I know, let's get Mel Gibson

to read the news in a
black leather jockstrap,

while patsy kensit simulates
sex with our new weatherman,

Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Look, George, it's no use trying
to pretend this isn't happening.

Now, Gus said she was
here for a trial period

and the final decision was yours.

It's time you made it.

George, Alex is absolutely right.

In that case, let's put the
water story in at number 18.

Yeah.

This hosepipe ban's driving me mad.

I hope it ends soon.

On Sunday, Margaret got me to make
42 separate trips round the garden

with a watering can.

And every time a helicopter flew
overhead, she ran out and shouted,

"stand still!"

Anything else?

Yeah. Another rise in the
number of suicides in prison.

Well, that's one way to reduce
overcrowding, I suppose.

Number 32.

George, skipper, you wanted a word.

Oh, yes, Gus. Look, he
wanted to tell you...

Yes, ok, I'll handle this.
Thank you, Alex.

Yes, I wanted to tell you, Gus,
I've made the decision over Sally.

I feel she's wrong, she's unpopular,
and I feel she should go.

Fine, George. Well, you're the editor.

Yes, well, that's right, I am.

I mean, she's difficult, and very rude.

Everyone hates her.

She's totally despised by the staff.

She's deeply...

Deeply unpopular with the...

Another big statement
from president bush

from inside a bunker.

A bunker? Yep.

Just off the 13th green.

When the going gets tough,
the tough go golfing.

Hey, great news about the bonus.
Thanks.

Do you want a cup of coffee, Sally?
No, don't worry, I'll get it.

What bonus? Didn't I tell you?

Everyone's getting quite
a substantial bonus.

What for?

For the ratings going up.
I've memo-Ed all the staff

saying with Sally's arrival
putting up the viewing figures,

I felt everyone should benefit.

It's nice to see so many
happy faces, isn't it?

Now, you were saying about firing her.

Yes. Your decision, as I say.

Still, I know you're a man
who can face unpopularity.

Oh, look, someone's
bought her some flowers.

He has made his decision.

How about extending her trial period?

For how long?

About three years.

Certainly not.

Ok, George, but when she goes,

bang go the ratings and
bang go the bonuses.

But don't worry,

I'm sure the staff won't hold
you personally responsible.

Look, George has told you, Gus...

Yes, Gus, that's right. I'm not
taking Sally on for three years.

Two years?

All right, fair enough.

You're a great decision maker, George.

Oh, George!

Two years of hell.

George, I've just has a
shopkeeper on the line.

He says last week Damien wrote him
a personal cheque and it bounced.

Probably for another
15 barrels of whisky.

Nope, he said it was for
30 copies of mein kampf,

five Nazi helmets,

and he says the swastika
armbands came back damaged.

For god's sake.

Next thing we know, we'll
have the Nazis complaining.

Sally: George? Oh, look,
here comes one now.

George, I've been talking to my agent

and he agrees that it
is patently absurd

I don't have my own
personal hairdresser.

Yes, well, I'll consider
it very carefully.

I certainly hope so.

George.

George, I hear Sally's staying.

Yeah, well, she's not
exactly staying, staying.

I've only agreed to
extending her trial period.

Yes, I had to, er, dig my heels
in quite hard on that one.

Yep, so just how long is
her trial period, then?

Two years. Damien!

Two years. You've done
it again, you jammy git!

George, I had you down for five.

Gus: Alex, I'm not happy with our
wording on the lord denning item.

Alex: We're just reporting
the facts, Gus.

But he comes across as
senile and totally bonkers.

We're just reporting the facts, Gus.

Look, denning says it
was just a bit of fun.

And besides, he's making
a perfectly valid point

about capital punishment.

I mean, all he's saying is,

if the guildford four
had just been hanged,

then everyone would
have been satisfied.

I don't think the Guilford four
would have been very satisfied.

They'd have ended up as
the guildford nought.

Look, lord denning is an institution.

He should be in an institution.

So I don't think we should
be too provocative.

I'm sure there are other equally
important stories we could lead on.

Oh, of course, yes.

I know, how about "prince
Charles hugs woman in majorca"?

Oh, no, no, no. That's
more of a third item.

Subtitles by accessibility@itv.Com

Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0