Original subtitles

- Neens... - Nina.

- I'd hate for there to be

a chasm between us.

- Will you be my maid of honor?

- Yeah!

- Nina's got a boyfriend.

- Do you want to be my plus-one?

- Yeah.

NINA: There's this lady called Dr. Catherine Dunne,

and she's looking for people to go

to the Isle of Wight and work with her,

and I applied.

[Upbeat music]

- We are meeting a few more people,

but we'll be in touch.

- Thank you.

- [Inhaling sharply]

RANESH: [chuckles] Here We Gyros

is a great indulgence of mine.

NINA: You know what they say.

What happeneth in Rothesay stayeth in Rothesay.

- It's just family dinner. No Ranesh.

Should be chill. Burying stuff's my speciality.

Let's avoid all things Rothesay.

We get through this together, and then tomorrow,

we Bill Murray it.

- Nina. - You asked me

to give you the details of the wedding,

and I did, and you didn't reply.

- No, no, Nina, Nina, wait...

- No, please don't touch me. Please.

I think you need to tell him.

EVIE: Now I get my one big moment

where it's all about me for the first time in my life,

and you won't let me have it.

- I'm sorry I'm such a burden.

So then she invites this slip of a man

into my life without any warning,

and...and she makes me mask

in front of his tiny spectacled dad.

And...and then she...she ruined my date

and made me go to her dress fitting,

where a parrot watched me getting changed.

And she knows how much I hate birds.

And then...and then she cheated on her fiancé in Rothesay

with some man who doesn't believe in the moon.

And...and after she's done all of that,

she...she says to me that I'm... That...

That I'm...that I'm a burden.

Die! Die!

[Video game gun firing]

- They're zombies. They're dead already.

- You know, I never... I never had to add anything

or take anything away for Evie.

She just...she just liked me for who I was,

and then this man arrived, and she got engaged,

and she started changing and making me

do things that I didn't want to do.

And tomorrow at her wedding, I'm gonna have to do

more stuff I don't like,

like smile at strangers and...and wave and lie.

And I don't even have a plus one.

VIDEO GAME VOICE: Round two.

- I'm not going.

- Do you know the 2008 rom-com

Made of Honor with Patrick Dempsey?

He does the right thing

because he's "made of honor," you see.

M-A-D-E of honor.

You see, it...it...

- It's a funny joke.

- [Chuckles]

[video game voice speaking indistinctly]

Evie getting married is a good thing.

Means you'll be able to concentrate

on becoming a Dunne footnote.

- Haven't heard back about that.

- Oh, well, my reference interview with them went well.

So yeah, hold your nerve.

VIDEO GAME VOICE: Level complete.

- If the asteroid hadn't hit the Earth,

would the dinosaurs still be alive?

VIDEO GAME VOICE: Go.

NINA: No.

- And if this chap hadn't come along,

it would have been someone else.

The time of you and Evie living closely must end,

like all geological time periods.

If it never did, you'd never know

where you could have gone.

You have to go to the wedding.

- [Sighs]

Fine.

I'm... - I'm gonna fix my face,

and I'm gonna go to the wedding.

But I draw the line at doing Loch Lomond.

I'm not linking arms with strangers.

- Mm.

[Video game gun firing]

VIDEO GAME VOICE: Mission accomplished.

NINA: Made of Honor?

- Gemma enjoys noughties rom-coms.

And I must admit, I did somewhat enjoy it.

- Patrick Dempsey, eh?

- Well, it's those baby blues. [Chuckles]

NINA: Declan, you hound.

[Video game voice speaking indistinctly]

- [slurping]

[upbeat rock music]

[Doorbell ringing]

- Come on!

How you doing now, Shagrid?

- I'm fine, thank you. BO: You sure?

- Mm-hmm.

- 'Cause your sister's marrying

a fat-free yogurt in a Ted Baker suit.

- I'm gonna fix my face and be

a silent and compliant MOH

until I am allowed to go home.

- Beautiful. Well, I'm excited.

There's an open bar.

- Please don't flirt with Amber tonight.

- She texted me a selfie outside my primary school.

- That's so creepy. - [Laughs]

- Maybe she won't turn up.

- Oh, thank God you're here.

Phase two started 25 minutes ago.

The father of the groom's already here.

Hi, Bo.

I have your corsage.

I took my nail scissors and cut the flowers

from the botanical gardens.

Gorgeous, aren't they?

- Yeah, I'm pretty sure you're not meant to do that.

But you know what? Not my problem.

- Everyone's in the kitchen, Nina.

There you go, Bo.

- [Whispering] Help me.

- [Whispering] Fuck off.

- There.

[Sniffs]

Mmm.

- Crafty wee chin fuckers!

- Hello, Mum.

- Where's the shoe polish?

- Hello, Dad.

DIANE: It's in the cupboard of stuff.

NINA: Hello, Sachin.

- And unto you.

- Mm. ADE: It's not here.

- Have you looked? [Phone chiming]

If I come over there and I see the shoe polish,

I'm going to be... - Here it is.

- Ah! - [Laughs]

Don't worry, pal.

You're safe this time.

Did I tell you I'm a songwriter, Sachin?

SACHIN: Oh, dear Christ.

VOICEMAIL VOICE: You have one new message.

Press one...to listen to the message, press two.

To delete the message... New message.

SHANE: Hi, Shane. It's Nina.

Oops, only joking. [laughs]

Anyway, as it's your day off,

I took the liberty of checking your emails.

I suspected news about the dig would come in...

[Indistinct chatter]

[upbeat music]

[Knocking]

NINA: Evie?

I know you said that I wasn't to talk to you,

but...

I got offered a postdoc position.

EVIE: Wow.

I'm gonna be sick.

- No, it's good news.

- No.

I need to tell Ranesh what happened on the hen do.

You were right. - No.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

- What do you mean, "No, no, no, no, no, no, no?"

- It is 93 minutes before your wedding,

and people will be arriving soon.

- You told me to tell him.

- Not in phase two of your wedding morning, Evie.

- [Breathing heavily]

I love him.

Like, really love him.

And I can't marry this man with all this integrity

without being honest with him.

- You know this will ruin the wedding.

- Oh, it doesn't matter about the wedding.

It's about the marriage.

I should have listened to you.

- OK, do you want me to fetch him?

- Yeah. - Right.

- I can't do it by myself. - No, I'll... - I'll stay with you.

I'll... - I'll stand beside you, but you just have to tell me

when my presence becomes overbearing or weird,

because I don't know.

- OK. NINA: OK.

EVIE: OK. - OK. OK, OK.

So just to check,

92 minutes before you get married,

you want to tell your fiancé that

you drunkenly kissed a man in Rothesay

who doesn't believe in gravity.

- [Whimpering] Mm-hmm.

- OK.

You look beautiful.

- Thank you.

[Music playing in distance]

NINA: [quietly] Fuck.

I don't know what you think you heard, but...

EVIE: Did you say something?

- Just practicing my speech!

- Nina, Amber wants me, like, a lot.

She's right up my arse. You need to help me.

- No. Have you seen Ranesh?

- Who?

Oh, no. - [Groans]

[Ade singing indistinctly]

BOTH: ♪ Baby, I just can't get enough ♪

NINA: Sachin.

Have you seen Ranesh?

- ♪ Taste of love, oh, whoa ♪

- Ranesh?

- Ah, don't look at me!

Ah!

AMBER: There you are. Where is Bo?

Also, we're way behind on your hair and makeup.

- No.

- I did a hair and beauty short course.

Why does no one trust me?

- Have you seen Ranesh?

- Yeah, I did see him go out the front door

two minutes ago.

- I'm just gonna pop outside for a spot of air

with my good friend Ranesh, so you hold down the fort.

So you need me to be MOH?

Interim MOH.

- Interim MOH. Well done.

- Nina, I can do this.

- You can.

- So what's going on?

- None of your business.

Interim MOH.

- Yes!

MOH.

- I said I'd be your plus one to the wedding, so here I am.

I'm your plus one to the wedding.

This was a bad idea, wasn't it?

You think the flowers are cheesy.

They're too much, I can see that now.

The thing is, I...

The other...when I...

[Stammering]

At the party, what it was...

What it is, is...

NINA: I'm gonna stop you right there.

The groom...

We've lost him.

- God. He's dead?

- No, no, no! Um, Ranesh found out

about Evie kissing your weird friend Euan

in Rothesay, and he's run off.

- Oh, fucking Euan.

I mean, a wedding without a groom is like a...

Well, it's not ideal, is it?

- We need to find him.

- I've got the van around the corner.

Uh, sorry about the, um, the mess.

I, uh... - I don't usually have visitors.

Or anyone.

Really, I'm quite lonely.

So where's he gonna be?

- I don't know.

- Right.

Uh, where does he live?

- [Groans] - [groans, chuckles]

OK.

- He's just this little intrusive thought

who's always at my flat.

I've never asked him anything about himself.

- Where would he go at a time of emotional crisis?

- Our flat, but I refused to give him the spare key.

- Has he ever mentioned anywhere

that's special to him?

- Our flat?

- The flat, yeah.

- Oh, I...

I don't know anything about him.

Wait. Wait.

He and Evie are always telling this boring story.

It's the same boring story.

It's about their first date.

They went to...

Feminist poetry slam at the bandstand!

- [American accent] And I thought our first date was bad.

- This is serious.

- [Normal voice] Yeah, sorry.

Bandstand. - Bandstand.

[Engine starts]

- Amber, what's going on?

Where's Nina?

- I told you, she has a tapeworm.

Anyway, let me finish running through my speech with you.

[Dramatic music]

NINA: Ranesh!

LEE: Ranesh! NINA: Ranesh!

LEE: Ranesh!

Ranesh! NINA: Ranesh!

LEE: Ranesh!

Ranesh!

♪ ♪

- Ranesh!

- My name's Gavin.

- I don't think he's here.

[Phone ringing]

Excuse me.

Hello?

- You still getting air with Ranesh?

- Here's the scoop, Amber.

Evie kissed Euan when we were in Rothesay,

and Ranesh has found out about it, and he's run away.

And I don't know where to look for him,

because I don't know anything about him,

because when he talks, I zone him out.

And Evie can't know anything about this.

Do you understand?

- OK.

NINA: OK.

I'll call you if I get any updates.

- Give me the phone. - You never told me.

- Give me the phone! - Why didn't you tell me?

- Shut up, Amber!

- I thought we were best friends.

- So you're Ranesh.

You've got a concave arse, and you're panicking.

Where do you go?

- Fuck!

Where do you go when you're stressed out?

- Somewhere where I can eat a lot of grease.

- That's not Ranesh. He...he's a...

He's a "do some transcendental meditation,

have a 15K" type of guy.

- I don't know.

Everyone's got some weird, gross side

not everyone knows about.

- Mm. Not Ranesh.

- Even Ranesh.

- He was designed in a lab to have a low BMI

and a high irritation point.

- I promise you, the guy's got layers.

- He doesn't.

- People be surprisin'.

[Sighs]

- Do you know the food van Here We Gyros?

- Of course I do. BOTH: Let's go.

[Bell ringing]

- Of course he's not here.

Oh, I've ruined everything.

I should have just let it go.

This is all my fault.

- Well, you didn't kiss Euan. [Chuckles]

Look, um, things were a bit weird the last time I saw you.

And I just... - I...

NINA: Oh, my God.

Hey, Neshy.

- I'm gonna...

- I know that you and I have had somewhat

of a checkered past and...and you're very upset

that Evie kissed someone.

- It's not about her kissing someone.

It's that she didn't tell me.

Anyway, what are you doing here, Nina?

We both know you've never liked me.

- Was it very obvious?

- Yes.

I've tried everything to connect to you spiritually.

Pasta from Firenze.

Tea.

I brewed you my finest Lapsang souchong.

The other day when I read you my vows,

I opened up my soul like a tap.

- I know, but it's...

- But nothing worked.

It was never about me.

Evie's engagement hit your life like an asteroid,

and you just couldn't bear to let her go.

- Maybe you're right.

I called you a soy boy wet wipe and a host of other things.

It was only because it felt like

everything you were doing was pretend.

It...it felt like you were constantly pretending,

and that's really confusing.

Have you ever actually been to Firenze?

[Gasps]

- But it is on my to-do list.

- That betrayal aside...

I was wrong.

I was wrong about you.

This is you, and it's all right.

It's all right.

You're allowed to eat a kebab.

I mean, it's bad for your gut biome, but you like it,

and it tastes delicious.

And Evie loves kebabs. - Uh, no.

No, no, she doesn't.

She finds them too heavy and greasy.

- That's a lie!

She loves kebabs.

I've watched her throw back 'babs with the best of them.

I can't believe I'm gonna say this.

You and her are perfect for each other.

You're meant to be.

Will you please come talk to Evie?

[Upbeat music]

- I think he's got quite a nice arse.

- Mm, it's only concave in pictures.

Hurry up, sauce pervert.

- Hello, Nina, Lee, Ranesh.

Everyone's waiting in the garden.

The celebrant says they have a tight turnaround.

NINA: Amber, they need to talk first.

- OK, why don't you go

and remove the mayonnaise from the groom's hair?

Mm. OK.

So Evie does know, but...

- Amber, I told you not to tell her.

- Nina, I've been MOH eight times before.

This is not my first jilting.

I know what I'm doing.

I mean, Evie did sort of try to run away.

She was very stressed.

But I managed to catch her.

We had a very productive dialogue

and calmly resolved the situation.

- Amber, where's Evie?

[Pounding]

- You locked me in the shed, Amber!

- I know. Are you, like, angry

that I locked you in a shed? - No.

I'm fucking furious.

- [Laughing]

I'm gonna go change my tampon.

- She's...

Dedicated.

- He literally ran away from me.

- That is true, but he came back.

- He did? - Mm-hmm.

He didn't have to, but he came back,

and he wants to speak to you.

- Oh, he's never gonna forgive me.

- Of course he will.

- How do you know that?

- Because...

You're easy to forgive, Evie.

- About that stuff that I said the other day...

- It's fine. It was...

It was your turn to be blunt and interesting.

EVIE: No, I was nasty,

and I really regret it.

I'm really sorry.

- I know.

Right.

You're gonna go in there.

You're gonna be 100% honest with each other.

No shenanigans.

No nonsense.

Just be Evie.

Preferably in the next nine minutes.

- OK. - OK.

You've got this. - Yeah.

NINA: Yeah. EVIE: Mm-hmm.

- You're good.

- Aye, you can't see it at all. RANESH: Great.

LEE: There and there.

RANESH: Thank you.

- Hi. - Hi.

NINA: Come on, Lee.

- Can you stay?

[Chairs squeaking]

- I could stand here and say that

I respect every decision a woman makes.

But I'm not going to do that. - OK.

- Because I'm hurt that you kissed someone

and didn't tell me.

You've made a mockery of all that we've built together

over the last 12 weeks.

- But that kiss, it was just...

- No, it's not about the kiss.

It's about being open and honest with one another

in perpetuity.

That's what you're supposed to do

when you want to be with someone.

So we just need...

- I'm obsessed with Real Housewives!

Sometimes I wish I was a housewife.

- I'm 30,

and I am genuinely terrified of my dad.

- [Whispering] He is scary.

- I have never seen a Sofia Coppola film.

- I've never seen a Sofia Coppola film!

- Shut up. - [Laughs]

- I've actually shat myself on multiple Greek islands.

- [Laughs]

I have no idea what a gut biome is.

- I have no friends.

Apart from a woman that can't be within 50 feet

of the kid from Love, Actually.

- That's Amber, not me. - Right.

- I have auditioned for Britain's Got Talent

four times.

And I'm really scared that I'm boring.

- I know on the outside I'm this sweet, sassy,

confident redhead who's a perfect mix

of Carrie and Charlotte all at once.

But inside, there's a part of me that is

really horrible and ugly and destructive.

And it scares me.

- Me too. [chuckles]

Wow. - Wow.

- Wow. - [Laughs] Yeah.

- God, that was better than an ultramarathon.

- We should just tell each other

exactly what we're thinking and feeling

every second of every day.

- That's not practical.

- No more lies, ever. - Ever.

We'll share everything. - Hmm.

- Will you marry me?

- Yeah.

Go on, then.

[Clapping]

- You may now kiss the bride.

[Rachel Sermanni's "Lay My Heart"]

[cheers and applause]

RACHEL: ♪ This is where I lay my heart ♪

♪ Is where I lay my heart ♪

♪ Is where I lay my heart ♪

[Cheers and applause]

ALL: ♪ By yon bonnie banks and by yon bonnie braes ♪

♪ Where the sun shines bright on Loch Lomond ♪

♪ Where me and my true love ♪

♪ Will never meet again ♪

- You look happy.

- I did it, Lurch. - Did what?

- I broke up with Hilda.

- [Gasps] No!

[Both laughing] - Yeah.

Something about that ceremony just really touched a nerve.

- Oh, Bawbag.

You know, there's no going back now.

♪ ♪

- [groans]

I've ruined my life. Ah! - No, you haven't.

No.

Don't phone her.

She's like the world's most boring witch.

Her only spell is making you feel sad.

- She's Dr. Dunne it!

- We are so proud of you, darling.

- How did you find out?

- Evie's been telling everyone.

My daughter, a doctor?

- Mum, I got my post-doctorate, like, four years ago.

- I know.

I just like saying it.

- [Laughs]

- To the Isle of Wight!

- Isle of, Isle of, Isle of fucking Wight.

Isle of, Isle of, Isle of fucking Wight!

ALL: Isle of, Isle of,

Isle of fucking Wight!

[Laughter]

- You two are like gonky Normal People.

- Mm, Abnormal People.

Don't phone her.

- Roger that.

- Now I'm gonna go and Roger that.

- Gets right in there.

- You're not gonna ask me to dance, are you?

- Absolutely not. - OK, good.

[Soft music]

So...

I'm, uh... - I'm guessing you got the postdoc, then.

♪ ♪

- How'd you know?

- "Isle of, Isle of, Isle of fucking Wight."

- [laughs]

- It's great news.

You gonna take it?

- I think so.

I mean, I know so, yeah.

- Yeah.

♪ ♪

- You were gonna say something

when you, um, turned up at my door with flowers.

- I did pull away from you.

I don't usually get to this bit, you know.

[Singer singing indistinctly]

I just feel like you get me.

And not everyone does.

And then you asked me out, and I was buzzing,

and then you say,

"I'm going to the Isle of Wight."

And I thought, all right, well...

Well, that's that done, then.

- I confused you.

I've been confusing.

Usually I'm the straightforward one.

- [Laughs]

- Didn't occur to me that I... I could have both.

LEE: But we can.

Do you want both things?

- It's like, I can see the dig,

and I want so badly to be part of a discovery

that's bigger than me

and bigger than my life will ever be.

But...

I also... - I want you.

I really want to give this a try.

But I'm not good with people.

And I'm not good at relationships.

- Well, that sounds like an unproven hypothesis.

♪ ♪

- It would be silly to start something romantic.

- Yeah.

And we don't even know what this is yet, so it's, um...

- Reckless. - Illogical.

- Illogical.

Sometimes life isn't logical.

- Knutsford.

- [Laughs] What?

- Knutsford.

It's 225 miles from Glasgow,

and it's 225 miles from the Isle of Wight.

Slap bang in the middle.

And yeah, I searched that online.

And you wouldn't believe how long it took me

to figure that out.

Anyway,

if we want to make this work, then...

Why don't we meet there in a year's time?

- My postdoc is only six months.

- OK, six months. Knutsford.

- Well, by then, I'll probably just be back in Glasgow,

so we could just... - Nina.

I'm being romantic.

[Laughs]

- Knutsford. - Knutsford.

[Singer singing indistinctly]

- I'm gonna go.

- I should probably go too.

Imagine if I just hung about after you left.

I won't. - You can if you want.

My family like you.

- Nina. - Hmm?

- I'll miss you.

NINA: I'll miss you too.

- Good luck.

[Soft music]

- Night, night, Bawbag.

♪ ♪

- Bye, Nina. - Bye, Nina.

♪ ♪

- [laughing]

EVIE: Nina!

Did you see Bo and Amber?

- [Laughing] Yeah.

Well, he's got a type.

- Out of the frying pan. - Mm.

I keep thinking, what if they don't have

wheat puffs on the Isle of Wight?

- No, I checked.

Nearly every major supermarket

in the UK sells them.

- But you'll pack some. - Yes.

EVIE: Just to be safe. - Yeah.

Were you trying to sneak off without saying bye?

You know you'll be away by the time

I get back from my honeymoon.

- Yeah.

I wanted to, but you looked like you were having fun.

Plus, I've got a job to accept,

and I'm exhausted.

- I should get back to my husband.

[Laughs]

OK. - OK.

EVIE: Bye, Nina.

- [Sniffles]

[Young Fathers' "Tell Somebody"]

SINGER: ♪ You reach, but your feet ♪

♪ Never left the ground ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Tell somebody ♪

♪ Please, please ♪

♪ Please ♪

♪ Tell somebody ♪

♪ Please, please ♪

♪ Please ♪

♪ Please, please ♪

♪ Please ♪

♪ Please, tell somebody ♪

♪ Everybody's anybody, many bodies know ♪

♪ Tell somebody ♪

♪ Many bodies feel the drop and everybody go ♪

♪ Everybody's anybody ♪

♪ Many bodies know ♪

♪ Many bodies feel the drop ♪

♪ And everybody go ♪