All language subtitles for An.Idiot.Abroad.S01E08.Karl.Comes.Home

What's this, in the Guardian?

- Guardian Guide, Pick Of The Day.
- Oh, right.

Oh, Pick Of The Day.
This... this will be a good review, then.

I can see
that this ball-achingly dull series...

(Laughter)

Have you ever... has your balls ever ached
from watching a programme?

Have you ever watched a programme
and gone, "My balls are aching, I hate it,

"this is the dullest thing, oh, hang on"?

It doesn't... I don't know what that means.

His balls are aching
cos the series is that dull.

lf... if TV that he doesn't like makes his balls
ache, why doesn't he turn it off quicker?

- He must get a twinge and go, "Oh!"
- (Laughing)

The Seven Wonders of the World.

Christ the Redeemer.

The Taj Mahal.

The Great Pyramids.

Truly man's greatest achievements.

But there's one man who sees them differently.

Most of the world is grim.

Karl Pilkington.

(Karl) It's hard to let people
know how bad it is.

Oh, Jesus.

- (Alarm on)
- (Karl) I was ill, fed up...

I want to go home.

...tired, and didn't like where I was.

Karl, where you going? Karl?

I'm not staying in that room. What's it about?

(Grunting)

The stuff that these eyes have seen...

Oh, for fuck's sake.

There's loads of things that you go, "Why do
you do that?" and they go, "It's tradition."

Why is this traditional Chinese massage?

Argh!

- (Explosions)
- (Karl) My body's in proper shock.

I don't like having danger in my life.

(Shouting)

- Who are you giving all this shit?
- Sky 1.

- That's who we're giving all this shit to.
- TV!

If I had a bad heart,
that could have done me in.

Shit! Shit!

I'm not doing any more, anyway.
It's the end of it.

- All right! Yes!
- Just let me go home! Jesus Christ!

Hello and welcome
to episode eight of An Idiot Abroad,

- with me, Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant...
- Hello.

...and the eponymous hero,

- Karl Pilkington.
- All right?

- I suppose this is a... a roundup.
- In a way.

We've watched the series. We've laughed.
We've cried. We've got angry.

- I... I've got bored as well, if I'm honest.
- (Laughs)

But welcome back, Karl, because,
you know, it's quite an adventure.

You can see it for miles. It goes on
for miles over the hills and everything.

But so does the M6.

It's almost like a... you know,
like a diamond in a turd.

Yeah, you don't see that
in the brochure, do you?

A shitty old nappy whizzing through the air.
They tend to leave that out.

The stuff that these eyes have seen,
they'll remember it.

Well, it's funny you should say about your eyes
because I've been consulting your diary here.

"The only reason
I'm finding it so hard to relax

"is that there always seems to be
something going on, something to take in.

"I think I've blinked less since I've been here
as I don't want to miss anything,

"so my eyes have been open
longer than normal.

"Maybe that's why my eyes are so tired."

I was using my eyes more. When I'm here,
sometimes, I... I don't know what they're doing.

(Laughs)

- Are you with me?
- No. What do you mean?

Life here can be quite boring for your eyes.

Sometimes driving, I get to some place
and I go, "How did I get here?"

And it's because you're not really
looking where you're going.

While driving?

No, it's only the odd things in life
that makes your eyes sort of go, "Ooh."

There's been a lot of things. Food.
You've seen some pretty grotesque things.

Like that fella there
who was your driver in China.

(Ricky) Oh, man, this is incredible.

Look at this lot. Thank you.

This is all right. What's he having over there?

God, Jesus. Does he know
it's not all in one piece, that noodle?

Are we in a race? I didn't realise...

I mean, what... Why is he in a hurry?

I'm in his van. Should I be getting a move on?
He's meant to be giving me a lift home.

The suction on that.

One minute it's there... It's like opening
an airplane window. It just all sucks out.

(Slurps and mutters)

(Slurps)

That's it, he's eaten it.
I've hardly touched this.

- What's he got now?
- (Low chatter)

- What is that?
- (Man) I think it's chicken's feet.

You don't pick a... a food
by what sort of feet it's got.

Just... just have chicken if he wants chicken.

We're paying.
He could have had anything he wanted.

He's spitting it out now. He's just spitting
its nails out, by the looks of things.

No, thanks, you're all right.

I wouldn't mind, but he's been munching
like Mintoes in the van.

He's never offered me one. He gets the chicken
feet, suddenly he's keen for me to have one.

He's just spitting stuff out.
He's chewing on it. He's spitting on it.

I... I can't eat this.

Oh! See that then?

It's his van. He'll have to clean it up.

Oh!

You're not having pudding, are you?

See, I'm with you on that. There's...
there's no reason to eat like that.

I don't think you'll ever hear
of a Chinese man who starved to death,

because there's no reason to.

Street food out there,

I thought street food meant, you know,
you have chefs on the street cooking food.

They don't mean that. It's street food.
Whatever's crawling about, they grab and eat.

- Do they?
- Yeah, honestly.

Are they dead? Are they toads?

Honest to God, that market, I thought
it was a myth, all that, before I went.

I thought they don't eat weird stuff like that
cos there's no need.

There's loads of stuff in the world.
You don't have to get to that level yet.

I think even in Lost, that programme, they
didn't even get to insects and that, did they?

They were stuck on an island there
with coconuts.

At no point do you see one going off
to eat a squid or a lizard or a... a scorpion.

It never happened.

Yet there they just, "I'll have that."

Not a problem, just...
just shoving them in her face.

I don't think they do I'm A Celebrity...
Get Me Out Of Here! in China,

because they'd go, "What's the problem?
This is lovely. You can eat buffet here."

Not a problem for them.

(Hawking and spitting)

That thing on the bus when they're all going...

- (Hawking and spitting)
- (Ricky) it's disgusting.

It doesn't matter where you're from.

(Karl) I don't know what you have to do
over there to offend someone.

Just farting, burping, spitting.

That driver,
he farted three times one morning.

No one went, "Oh, you," had a laugh about it,
"you dirty sod", nothing. Just carried on.

But that's the way they are.
In a way, are they right?

Is that the way we should live? I don't know.

Noise has been a big thing on the whole trip.

Well, look, here you're complaining
about all the noise in Brazil.

My ears just haven't stopped
since we've been here.

They've been overworked
with constant, you know, drums...

singing,

whistles,

chanting,

dogs,

helicopters, gays...

Warm massage for your ego.

Gays wouldn't normally be on that list
but the one I met here just wouldn't shut up.

(Stephen) Now, I went to Brazil
during carnival time.

I had a whale of a time.
I really enjoyed myself. Great.

It's lively, it's vibrant, loads going on.

People are in good spirits. Colour, energy.

You, nothing but whingeing.

No, because I don't like, you know,
the carnival and the block parties. It's all...

Parties, for me, I've never liked them anyway.

I've never really had them.
I've never had a birthday party.

Um... I just... when I see them,

you know, like that advert
for Iceland, Iceland supermarket.

You see Kerry Katona and Christopher Biggins
have a vol-au-vent.

(Music and cheering)

I don't look at that and go,
"That looks like a good night."

- No.
- But you're meant to, aren't you?

It's meant to give you a good feeling.

Iceland. Look at the fun
you can have with the food.

I don't know where
that party would be happening.

But I don't look at it and go, "I'd love
to be there." And it was the same in Brazil.

I don't like false fun.

- That's what it is. False fun.
- Yeah.

I don't like it when people organise stuff.
"Come round Thursday.

"Come round and have a drink and a chat."
I don't know how I'll feel on Thursday.

But you'd never get anything done
if you didn't have a bit of planning.

No, because you just, er...
you go with it. It's good.

Because you could go up to somebody and go,

"Fancy coming round tonight?
I've got some beers in. Have a chat."

- I wish you'd have said. I'm going to a party.
- No, you're not. No, you're not.

- What...
- Cos there isn't such a thing as planning.

- I'm walking down the street. I see you.
- OK, yeah.

- Fancy coming round tonight?
- No.

- Why not?
- I need more notice than that, really.

- Why?
- I left a chicken out. It goes off.

OK. I go along. All right, Steve?
Are you coming out tonight?

- He's having chicken with me.
- Oh.

- No, we hadn't arranged that.
- Yeah.

- So, I've got something going on, Rick, sorry.
- Sorry?

I can't eat a whole chicken.
Do you want a chicken?

OK. And there you go, you see. So, my night
is better than yours. I'm eating your chicken.

I'm having a free night out here
because there was no planning going on

- and I'm getting a free night of chicken.
- What?

Now, imagine if on the Wednesday
before you went...

- What day is it now? What day was today?
- Tuesday.

So, Tuesday, we're all walking down the street?

I always get emails from people going,
"Are you coming out next week?"

- I don't know. I don't know.
- You don't know?

I don't like it.

- Hello! I'm Mr Aashiq.
- Aashiq.

- Nice to meet you, Carlitos.
- How you doing?

- (Motor whirring)
- All right, didn't wave back.

So, that's... they don't know what that means
or they hate me already. I don't know.

He reminded me of Bill Oddie.

I'm just looking at him thinking,
"I haven't seen The Goodies for ages."

(Speaks native language)

- What?
- (Speaks native language)

What's that?

(Karl) And then the other Baba
looked like Jim Morrison.

(Singing folk song)

- (Speaking native language)
- Hang on, hang on. Hang on a minute.

(Chanting)

(Karl) I don't do socialising. I don't do that.

I've always said you only need seven mates
to get you through life. That's it.

I've mentioned Snow White with the midgets.
She had 'em all covered in seven.

Same thing again with friends.

You met a lot of interesting characters.
Tell us about your favourites.

Who are the ones that stick in the mind?
What about Celso in Brazil?

# Tall and tan and young and handsome

# The boy from Ipanema goes walking

# And when he passes,
each one he passes goes

# Oh...

- (Karl) I thought he was all right, Celso.
- How do I look?

(Karl) He's a different sort of mate.

(Ricky) What was your first thought
when he walked out looking like that?

(Karl) Hm.

- (Bang)
- Oh, Jesus! What was that?

It's just weird. It's like you've had
Worzel Gummidge sort of changed the head.

Change the head. It's a little bit freaky.

(Stephen) Worzel Gummidge?

Why do you make no effort to try and speak
to people in terms they might understand?

What's the chances of him from Brazil
knowing who Worzel Gummidge is?

There's people watching this who won't
remember who Worzel Gummidge is.

He just seemed very sort of well...
well into the arts.

(Laughs)

(Karl) And it's his mates as well.

- Marcello.
- Marcello. I'm Karl.

- Pleased to meet you. Hi, Karl.
- How you doing?

- Welcome to Rio!
- You're happy.

(Karl) I have never sort of met
a gay man so gay.

It was just that voice,
that sort of over-the-top...

Nice enough, but I can't see us
getting on long term.

- No?
- D'you know what?

It's a good job I wasn't born gay,
because I don't know what I'd do.

- Why not? If you're gay, you'll be loving it.
- I wouldn't.

- Yeah.
- I don't think I'm suited to it.

- Why?
- Just the lifestyle. I mean parties and stuff.

Because the lifestyle, the way they... they walk
about over there, showing off, being quite...

OK, you... you wake up.

Gay. Tomorrow.

What's the first thing you do?
Do you get a boyfriend?

- Or do you play the field?
- I think you play the field.

Yeah? Are you gonna talk the same?

Yeah. Maybe in time, I suppose,
things rub off.

If I'm knocking about
with John Inmans of the world,

I'm probably gonna start maybe a little
sort of... Give me something to say.

- Oh, hello, I haven't seen you for ages.
- Right, so it'd be a bit different.

- Maybe the, "Oh, hello!"
- Right, OK.

"I haven't seen you for ages."
It'd be little things like that.

People would suddenly go, "Have you met
Karl recently? He sounds different."

So, you go home. You go home.
Your dad goes, "All right, son? How's it going?

"Have you been doing any DIY recently?"

Oh, hello, Dad. I haven't...
haven't been here for a bit.

Mm. Oh, what you doing that for, Karl?
How's Suzanne?

Er, I'm... I'm not with her any more.

(Both laugh)

This is pointless,
because it's not the life I would choose.

OK, but you've woken up gay.

But I wouldn't believe it then. I'd just go,
"I feel a bit happier today. I don't know why."

No, but then you start going, "Oh."

You'd go and buy a gay magazine.
You're flicking through.

You're looking at more cock than you've ever
seen before in your life and you're loving it.

You look down, summat's happened.
What do you do next?

I just wouldn't look at that magazine again.

No, you're loving it. You'd go, "Oh, I can't
believe I haven't seen this magazine before!"

I've seen knobs before.

- Have you?
- Yeah.

- Where?
- You see knobs all the time.

- Where?
- In gyms and that.

And don't say you don't look, cos you do
when you're in a gym because it's there.

- What is?
- If you don't look, that's more of a worry.

If you're not happy looking a knob in the face,
there's something wrong.

(Laughing)

- You should be comfortable with it, just...
- It's a good rule of thumb.

So, you have always been a big fan
of what society would generally term "freaks".

You know, one of your favourite movies
is The Elephant Man,

which is why we were very excited
when we sent you to see the elephant Baba.

Oh, yeah, I can see him. Yeah, I can see him.

Shoes off. Money down there.

(Karl) It wasn't as shocking
as I thought it would have been.

I think the weird thing is with elephant Baba
is he's different from Elephant Man.

Cos with Elephant Man there was a build-up.

He's walking about with a sack on his head.
What is under there?

I mean, the first thing I always used to worry
about, where he got that hat from that fit him.

It's a normal cap he had on, Elephant Man.

Who was that made for?

But then he had the sack on top as well
and a little hole in it.

I remember watching it as a kid thinking,
"Can I see anything in the hole?"

And then he takes it off and it was like,
"Oh, God, that's well weird."

Now, with elephant Baba, it wasn't as weird.
Do you know The Elephant Man?

The weirdest bit of it is when he was walking
about with that head but with a suit on.

(Ricky) Yeah.
(Karl) It doesn't match.

- No.
- But in India, because he's sat there...

If you said to a tailor, "Have you got anything
to go with this?" they'd go, "Not really."

- Yeah, whereas with the fella in India...
- It sort of goes with it.

...it goes with it so it wasn't as shocking.
- (Ricky) Sure.

Now, there's the one-arm Baba, who...
fella who had his arm in the air for 12 years.

(Ricky) That's ridiculous.

From a distance, though, it looks friendly.
It's like he's going like that.

Like, "Here's Karl and the camera crew."

I sit down. Erm... two fellas sat next to him,
worshipping him.

- Really?
- They loved him. Yeah.

I asked all the normal questions,
"What you playing at?"

Ha-ha! Straight in, straight in
with, "What you playing at?"

I asked all the normal questions,
"What you playing at?"

I agree, though, I agree. What you playing at?

Apparently there's other Babas with like
two arms, one arm, one foot in the air.

- Really?
- It's mental. It's proper mental.

But are they standing up or are they
laying down with one foot in the air?

Well, I suppose if you knock him over,
that's it, isn't it? He's down for good.

(Karl) Oh, God.

Another fella with his knob and bollocks
on a stick. What are you doing?

Karl, if you can't look a knob in the face...

(Karl) I was happy looking the knob
in the face. It's what he was doing to it.

(Ricky) He was just showing you
his trick, his party trick.

That probably would get him
to the final of Britain's Got Talent.

Amanda Holden would be a huge fan of that.

- I, er...
- Cock round a stick.

I mean I'll never forget it.

You can't with the names. The names go
with them. It's like old-fashioned names.

They say if you're a baker, you'll be known
as Mr Baker. That's how names caught on.

So, the fact he's called elephant Baba
and one-armed Baba,

you don't go, "Who's that one again?
I can't quite picture him."

I don't believe they are called elephant Baba
and one-armed Baba.

They are called that.

I went around that camp and I was saying
to people, "One-armed Baba knocking about?"

They were going,
"Yeah, he's three tents down."

Everyone knew him. It was like
a council estate, how you have nicknames.

John the Screw about? Where's Tattoo Stan?

- So, all the same thing, all these nicknames.
- Yeah.

Now, if I said, "Where..."
I don't know his real name.

But if he was called, I don't know,
Neil or whatever, "Neil about?"

They'd be going, "Neil? Which one's Neil?
What... what does he do in the camp?"

And you go, "He's got a head like an elephant."
"Elephant Baba. Three... three down."

- So, it's convenient.
- (Laughing)

- There's certain things I've learnt.
- Tell us, what have you learnt?

I learnt that babies in China,
a lot of 'em have square heads.

(Both laugh)

Right, go on.

- Why?
- Is this... Can we look at this clip?

All right.

He's a big lad.

- Has he got a square head?
- Let's have a look.

- Let's see.
- I can't tell.

Yeah.

(Ricky) But why do they have square heads?

(Karl) I asked some questions
and the main answer...

seemed to be so they don't roll out the cot.

- (Laughs)
- No, no way.

How do they make sure
their baby gets a square head?

They somehow... they stick a book
to the back of its head when it's born.

- When you're born, your head's soft, isn't it?
- That's right, yeah.

Did your mum strap a dinner plate
to your head when you were a kid?

Yeah, a ladle.

But I didn't get all the ins and outs,
and this is what I'm saying.

That doesn't stop 'em rolling out of the cart.
If you've got a square head, they can roll out.

Babies' heads.
Remember your head is quite big as a baby.

- Right.
- The body... the body's sort of like that.

And its head, it's trying to roll
but it can't cos it's like that.

- And it's attractive, apparently...
- Show me again. Do it again.

The baby's in the cot like that,
and it would want to sort of...

- So try and roll...
...just go like that.

Yeah, so now do it with a square...
How is it stopping it? I don't understand.

Because it's kind of going... You can't roll.

- What shape is a wheel?
- Round.

Some people think that you are
a character that we write and direct.

If we had created a character as brilliant
as this, would we have flogged it to Sky?

- Definitely not, definitely not.
- Definitely not.

(Karl) There's loads of weird fish, though.

I think there's fish in here
that I've read about

that are so see-through that they're invisible,

so I don't even think they know they exist.

Because other fish don't go up to it
and like mate and stuff.

I don't know how it works. But it's like
they're not there to us or to them.

So, they might as well not be there. It's
a really weird... I don't know all the facts.

If you're invisible,
you'd eventually get ignored a lot

and you'd go, "There's no point acknowledging
anyone, because no one can see me."

- (Man) I don't think that's how it works.
- Course it is.

Think if you were invisible
and I walked past you.

I'm gonna ignore you, cos I can't see you.

You can't communicate,
cos I'd go, "Who was that?"

And eventually you'd just go,
"I can't be bothered communicating,"

so you're just there, floating about, eating.

So, that's probably why they carry on, cos
they just eat, they've got nothing else to do.

I read it, and I think they're in here.

But you're not gonna see 'em
so I can't prove it.

There's people who say
I'm an actor called Graham.

- (Ricky) Yeah.
- I wish I was. I wish I was.

Change your name to Graham
and become an actor.

No, because then they'd go,
"Oh, we knew that."

So, the reason you're not changing your name
to Graham and becoming an actor

is that you don't want to give idiots
the benefit of the doubt.

No, it's also that thing of remembering
that you've changed your name.

It's like I told you, when I was a kid
and I changed my name to Brett,

everyone in the family went along with it
and I kept forgetting.

They kept shouting at me, and I was ignoring
them, so I thought, "This isn't working."

- (Phone rings)
- All right, mate?

- (Stephen) How are you getting on, man?
- Er... well, I've had better holidays.

(Stephen) It's not a holiday. I have to keep
reminding you it's not a holiday, my friend.

You are making a travel programme
for the television.

I can never enjoy anything, can I?

Fuckin' hell.

(Stephen) So, get out of the Dead Sea, put
some clothes on, and do some fucking work.

That's fucking shit.

(Ricky) I've got a little surprise for you.

You're spending the night in a cave,
Karl, tonight.

What for?

(Ricky) It's funny.

- But...
- (Phone beeping)

(Karl) I had some sort of new pudding
that I've never had before,

carrots with sort of milk and sugar on it.

I enjoyed it.

(Stephen) I don't want to watch you
eating carrots on the tellyl

- In HD.
- (Stephen) Even in HD.

I reckon I've had about an hour's kip.

I am knackered, and I don't know how to get
that across to them, that I'm pissed off.

(Ricky) Karl, this is for my amusement

and if you're having a bad time,

bumping up and down on a camel
with your testicles being battered,

that's good entertainment,
this is what I'm giving back to society.

You are my gift to the rest of the world.

Now, that's the other thing as well,
that, um... people think that, you know,

because I call you a little round-headed,
chimp-like buffoon, moron, Manc twonk...

I could go on.

- Some people, they mistake that for bullying.
- Mm.

What would you say about people
that say me and Steve bully you?

lf... if they think I am being bullied, what are
they doing? When have they come to my help?

Where's Esther Rantzen? Why hasn't she
been on the phone? "Leave him alone!"

Nothing's happened.
Everyone's saying that. "Karl's being bullied."

Well, first of all, I'm nearly 40.
Don't worry about me.

Two, well, if you're worried about it,
do something.

I've had post delivered to me.

And because you say, "Karl Pilkington's
got a head like a fucking orange",

people think they can do it.

I got some lamps delivered in a box.

Somebody along the way, I don't know who,

either the bloke who packed 'em,
the courier,

or... I don't know how many people
are involved in packing lamps to me,

but somebody wrote on the box,
"Head like a fucking orange".

Now, that shouldn't happen.

(Laughing)

There were instances where we had planned
stuff that you were completely unaware of.

In fact, you had very little idea of where you
were gonna go and what was gonna happen.

I think a highlight for both Ricky and I

was when we gave you
some very important training in the event...

- Amazing. That, again...
...you were captured during a terrorist...

...that went better than I'd ever imagined.

(Men shouting)

(Shouting)

- (Shouting)
- Argh! All right!

What you doing?

- Leave him alone, man!
- (Karl) Yeah, I think you were out of order.

(Stephen) What is going through your head
when those guys grabbed you?

You did not know they were gonna attack you
and grab you and drag you in the back of a van.

(Karl) It all went black.

Erm... I heard a lot of shouting going on.

I didn't know what was happening. I thought,
"Is this it? Have I been taken hostage?"

They put my hands behind my back.
They put one of those tie things on.

It was cutting into me. I'm thinking, "Is this
for the programme? Cos this is hurting. "

(Shouting)

(Karl) I've never experienced that before.

(Stephen) They often say in those moments
that your whole life flashes before your eyes.

Is that what happened?

No, cos, like I said to you, I had a bag
over my head, I couldn't see a thing.

- Talk to me! Talk to me!
- Hang on a minute. Are you English?

- You English? Who are you?
- Yes, talk to me!

I love it when you go, "Who are you?"

Where the adrenaline's kicking in, you can
hardly breathe, and you do a posh voice!

- "Who are you?" Ha-ha!
- I know.

Because it's terrifying, that,
not knowing what's going on.

- What is the number for you?
- It's in my mobile!

- What is the number for you?
- I don't know!

I don't even know my mam and dad's number!

(Karl) I thought maybe this is
part of the setup, I don't know.

But my body didn't know,

because it was going through the same thing
as Terry Waite would have gone through

or whoever else had been tied to a radiator.

Help!

Did you learn anything from that?

That was important training
to make you able to cope

if such a terrible thing did occur to you.

If you go to places
that you're in danger of being kidnapped,

you're meant to have a code word,

- so that when the people who've nicked you...
- Right.

...call up the London office...
- Yeah.

...and they go, "We've got
Ricky, Steve and Karl here..."

- Right.
...and the London office go, "Yeah, yeah"...

Give us your code word.

- Well, at the time...
- Mm.

...it was congress tart.
- Congress tart?

- How do you slip that into a conversation?
- No, you don't slip it in.

They've got a bag over your head, gun to
your head. "Tell them you've been kidnapped."

You go, "Congress tart." And they go,
"Bloody hell, he's been kidnapped."

Before you know it, the A-Team's coming in.

Right, so, er... ring, ring.

- Hello, Karl mate, how's it going?
- Congress tart.

- What?
- Congress tart.

- Rick, who's on the phone, mate?
- It's... it's Karl.

He said "Congress tart" so he's been kidnapped.
Who are they? What do they want?

- Right, who am I talking to now? Cos...
- Them. Ask 'em.

What do you want? He's asking what you want.

There's no one here
to do that bit of role-playing

so maybe you should tell me
what they're saying.

They said, erm... they just said they...
they want to use me as bargaining power.

(Both) But what do they want?

But what do you actually want?

Oh.

What would they want? Is it money?
Give 'em money. Money.

- Look at him.
- A million. Er... two... five million pounds.

Too much. I'm not spending that sort of cash.
I've worked hard for this.

- No, you don't do that.
- I'm not spending that cash.

- You see, this is what worries me.
- I'm not spending 5 million to get you back.

That's what's worrying,
because that's what would have happened.

- Can't we negotiate? Put them... put them on.
- Here you are, here's Ricky.

Right, you've got to play him
as well, though. Hello?

- Hello.
- Who's that?

- Never mind that. Where's my five million?
- Can't afford five million at the moment.

- We're gonna kill this kid if...
- He's not a kid.

...you don't give us the five million.

- We're getting sick of him.
- Why? What's he doing?

- He's just shouting, "Congress tart!"
- (Laughs)

Give him the money. Give us the money.

(Laughing) OK!

I wouldn't have got 'em to call you, actually.
There's no way. There's no way.

OK, let's have a break!

Oh, God! Oh, God!

(Whooping on television)

(Karl) It's not really a dance, is it?
It's like a little bit of a shuffle, really.

It's just that.

Not really... not using...

not even adding...
not even adding that sort of thing to it.

Just a bit more with the face, even.

(Whooping and chanting)

It's that sort of old man shuffle.

You know when old men
are sort of a bit pissed up

and their pants have fallen down a bit.

Sort of that pissed-up walk.

(Muttering)

Like that.

But, you know, it killed a bit of time.
There was nothing else to watch.

(Chanting and whooping)

I was tempted to sort of... I'd join the line
and then do that and see if they copy it

and then that'd be me giving them something.

But then is that interfering?

Maybe it wouldn't look frightening by
the time... you know, if another tribe came in

and they're all stood over there
looking like Lionel Blair.

You know, they're just gonna go,
"Right, let's get 'em. We can handle these."

I mean, I'm so jealous of you
being in the Peruvian jungle.

- Didn't you have a whale of a time?
- Erm...

Fuckin' hell!

I want to go home.

(Karl) People watching it'll sort of go,
"Yeah, but, you know, I've seen all this,

"Ray Mears and Bear Grylls
sucking on elephant shit and all that. "

It's hard to let people know

- how bad it is out there.
- (Ricky) Yeah.

(Karl) When I came out of there,
I'd... I'd had no phone signal.

For five days, no phone signal.

Stuck in a jungle, the Amazonian jungle,
in a one-man tent,

and then with a tribe for a couple of days.

Called Suzanne up and said,
"All right? I'm safe" and all that,

- expecting to get like a hero's welcome.
- (Snorts)

All I got was, "Oh, it's... it's reassured me
that if you died, I'd be all right."

That's what she said.
For 16 years I've been with her.

Not a day's gone by
when I haven't spoke to her at some point.

She turns round and says that,
"I'd be all right if you were dead."

"All right, cheers for that.
I've got to call Ricky now." I called you up.

- Well, no, we didn't say anything...
- (Crackling)

We didn't say anything about that. We said
it's Karl Pilkington's Seven Wonders. Hello?

- One of those things that...
- Yeah, well, who's the idiot abroad?

Yeah, well, they would, cos you said it.

They all sit there going, "Yeah,
that's great, Ricky. Yeah, we'll do that."

We're not having An Idiot Abroad.
It's Karl Pilkington's Seven Wonders.

I've been through a load of shit here. You're
sat there giving them bloody shit titles.

We're not having An Idiot Abroad.
We're not having it.

It's the one... one thing
that I said that I'm happy with.

I've got... I don't want people
thinking I'm a div.

Who was in the meeting?

Well, I'm back in a... in a couple of days.

We'll have another little meeting about that.
Let's have another little meeting.

Was it all... all croissants there and free coffee
as they all sat around on their arse?

"Yes, that's great, Ricky. Any other ideas?
Pour us another coffee."

I'm sick of that lot. Tell 'em now.

Call them now and tell 'em
that we're not doing series two.

Nip that in the bud.

- I'm not doing any more. That's the end.
- Yeah, you are.

- People love it.
- No, I've done that. I've had enough.

No, come on, let's think of something else
you can do. Seriously, what about this?

- We're not gonna sort that out today.
- Idiot Abroad, Fool's Gold.

I give you a million to spend
and you've got one year to make two million.

- I've got to double a million.
- Yeah.

You can gamble, you can put it all on a horse,
or you can put a little bit on a horse.

You could go to the Dragon's Den. You could
go, "Look, I've got an idea, clippable mug.

"What about the tie
you can carry scissors in and stuff?"

- That's already out there.
- Is it?

What is the first thing you'd do with that,

if I said you've got a year to make one million,
and you've got this million?

- I'd just do loads of stuff.
- Go on, then.

What's the first stop? What do you do?

Antiques and, um... buy antiques, flog 'em on.

- Art. I'd buy a house in Bulgaria.
- Right.

- What do you know about antiques?
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

You're gonna buy a house in Bulgaria.
That's your first thought.

- How much is the house in Bulgaria?
- Hundred grand.

- Right, how much do you want to sell it for?
- For 200. I'm gonna do it up.

- Double your money on a house in a year?
- Easy.

- You got to make...
- I'm spinning plates here.

- Go on, then. What else?
- You got to keep flying to Bulgaria.

- No, I've got the local builders on it.
- In Bulgaria?

Yeah, I'm just plate-spinning.
Antiques on the go. I'm buying scratchcards.

- You're buying scratchcards?
- I buy a load.

- How many?
- Ss... Five thousand scratchcards.

- (Stephen) Right.
- I'd have some kids doing that.

I'd say, "Right,
you can have a fiver if you..."

- You're giving it to...
- I haven't got time. I'm giving it them to do.

This is the worst idea I've ever heard.
That... My... my million's gone, hasn't it?

- Yeah, he's lost it.
- No, it hasn't.

If you've got money, you make money.
That's a fact.

- Where is Bulgaria?
- It's somewhere...

I know Bulgaria's good for property.
I've seen a lot of property programmes.

- Do you mean Belgravia?
- I just watch... No, no, no.

There's a lot of things that you can do
with property, antiques...

- What else?
...and buying classic cars and doing them up.

So, you're doubling your money
on a classic car in a year?

- Yeah, but I've made inventions.
- What have you done?

I'll do the Dragon's Den.
Like you said, the clip-on mat idea.

Like you have your cup there,
but look at that saucer.

Every time I have a cup,
have a little bit of tea, I'm talking to you

and I've got to go like that,
I've got to look where I'm putting it again.

- A clippable mat is stuck on. It's attached.
- That's ridiculous.

I'm talking to you. And I don't have to put it
down there. I could put it down there.

I'm not limited
as to the surface that I can put it on.

It's attached.

It's washer-proof.
Dishwasher-proof. It's an idea.

- I'm out.
- (Laughs)

Fuck me! So am I.

Oh.

- (Birds tweeting)
- (Dog barking)

(Dog barking)

(Karl) Most of the world is grim.

Louis Armstrong did
that What A Wonderful World song.

(Dog barking)

I don't know what he's going on about.

(Dog barks)

If Louis had seen what I'd seen,
he wouldn't have brought that out.

Well, Karl, you talked a lot
before you went on the trip

about how probably your happiest holiday time
was when you were younger.

- Where did you used to go?
- Wales. Porthmadog.

- (Stephen) Right.
- Year after year after year. It was brilliant.

- And why was it so great?
- It's everything you want. It's a good...

You know, it was a good holiday park.

- (Stephen) Right.
- Weather was good.

I had loads of mates. There was always kids
knocking about there who I got on with.

Arcade. Beach.

- It was Hell's Angels down one end...
- Mm.

...and I remember watching them,
thinking, "I want to be one of them."

I wanted to be a Hell's Angel, cos
they looked hard, all the leather on and that.

And, er... I don't know. You see, this...
again, this might not be true.

But my mam told me,
it might have just been to put me off,

she said to be a Hell's Angel,
you got to shit in your pants.

Why does your mum give you...

Shit in your pants
and keep 'em on for a week.

- So...
- Oh!

...yeah, my dad said
my Auntie Nora could have joined, then.

- But, er...
- (Laughs)

So, what you're saying is that you have
nothing but happy memories

- of your glory days back in Wales?
- I loved it.

You were whingeing
when we were sending you on these trips.

You were like, "Oh, I had a great time
back in Wales, blah, blah, blah."

Well, we sent you back to Wales.
Let's have a look how you got on.

Every holiday we had,
we'd go to this place in Wales, this campsite.

My mam and dad got a caravan there.
It's designed, it's hi-tech.

I wanted to experience it.

It's all right, isn't it?

This is good, isn't it? See, you've got
loads of space for stuff and that.

Big fire.

Three bedrooms it's got.

But what's good is,

normally,

say if, um... your gran comes in.

"Oh, I didn't know your whole family's coming.
Where can I stay?"

You just go, "Hang on."
Watch how quick this is.

Oh, no, that isn't one. Hang on.

Just hang on.

You stay there.

And you just sort of...

That's not right, is it?

(Panting) Well, she can just sort of...
you know.

What's wrong with that?

(Bleeping)

(Seagulls cry)

(Karl) I remember getting chickenpox
when I was here.

I just sat in the bath with a load of salt,
stop 'em itching.

- Er...
- (Seagulls cry)

I burnt my hand badly.

Cos Joan Ross was with us on holiday and
she gave me a plate with sausage rolls on it.

But she handed it to me with a tea towel.
I just grabbed the plate. It stuck to my hand.

A lot of injuries happened here, really.

Some people next door.

See, that might get annoying.

They've put us
right next to a family of 12 or whatever.

They seem the sort
who'll be out there all night.

They've got a table there with all sorts.

Game of Monopoly.
You don't have a quick game of that.

You know what I mean?
They're there for the night now.

You're company now.
If I was here, I'd be quite happy sat here.

I'd probably put the telly on.
Have a cup of tea or something. Relax.

But 'cause you're here going,
"What do you do now",

it's like I've got to try and impress you.

What's wrong with just sitting here now?

The air's coming in.
They're getting on my tits.

(Seagulls cry)

We used to come to do crabbing.

But it's a bit of a ropey day today, innit?

You see, this isn't...

I didn't really want
Ricky and Steve to see it like this.

My thing's broke.

Can we go back?

- (Seagulls cry)
- (Karl) Been a bit rubbish, hasn't it?

It has been a bit rubbish.
I don't know. Is it because I've changed?

Is it cos I've been round the world
and seen other things

and then seeing this doesn't...
doesn't work any more?

Have I sort of messed up the fact
that I used to like simple things

and now, you know, if Suzanne books
a holiday, I'll be going, "Never mind,

"forget having a swim in the pool.
Where's the local tribe?"

What is that?

One of my ambitions for the series...
I mean, I know Ricky's got his own agenda.

But I was hoping that, you know,
maybe travel would broaden the mind.

That's the phrase that we hear.

Do you feel, now the dust has settled,
like a different Karl?

You're saying
about the broadening of the mind.

I've put more stuff in the mind, and
whenever you do that, something has to go.

- Why does something have to go?
- No, no.

It's the mind. Everything's only got
a certain amount of space.

Even with computers, they go,
"Ooh, disc space full" or whatever.

- It's the same with the brain.
- But when I learn a new fact...

I don't have to make room, I don't have to go,
"Right, I've got to chuck some out.

"I've got to chuck some out now."

Course you do.

Unless you're Stephen Hawking,
who's got it all on a hard drive,

you can't just go, "Oh, where's that thing?
Where's that thing that I want to remember?"

You might go, "Oh, I remember
knowing something like that."

Before when you were talking about bananas,

now, I had that fact about if you eat
more than six, it can kill you.

No, that's definitely... That's not a fact.

It is a fact. Potassium levels are
dangerously high if you have six bananas.

Now, when I walked in here today, I wasn't
going, "Must tell Ricky about the banana fact."

I went in that place you were having
make-up on, I saw a bowl of bananas.

I said, "There's six bananas there.
You know why. Seven would be dangerous."

Let's hear what happened.

What fact squeezed out of your brain
to accommodate the banana information?

- I don't know cos I forgot it.
- Perfect.

(# Louis Armstrong:
What A Wonderful World)

# I see trees of green...

Ha-ha!

# Red roses too...

- There's no doors or anything.
- # I see them bloom

# For me and you

# And I think to myself

# What a wonderful world...

(Laughs)

# I see skies of blue...

What the fuck is that?

Was that someone's goz?

- (Camel growls)
- # The bright blessed days

# The dark sacred nights

# And I think to myself...

The lights are changing!
Lights, lights, lights!

# What a wonderful world...

A load of bees here!

Is anywhere safe?

# - The colours of the rainbow...
- (Explosions)

# So pretty in the sky

# Are also on the faces...

- That's a testicle?
- # Of people going by

# I see friends shaking hands...

- I'm Marcello.
- Marcello. Not bad.

- OK.
- Ah, Jesus!

# They're really saying

# I love you

# I hear babies cry...

- Fuckin' hell!
- # I watch them grow...

(Karl) I'm not putting myself
above my station here.

I thought I was gonna be the new Palin.

Soon found out I didn't know much.

But then I put myself out to learn a bit more.

It's been a journey. People watching it
have been on my journey.

# Yes

# I think to myself...

Everything I've been through, they've seen.

# What a wonderful world

# Oh, yeah #

I mean, they say that travel broadens the mind,
but I don't know if it does.

Buggers it up. I'm knackered.

# La la la la

# La la la la

# La la la la

# La la la la

# La la la la

# La la la la

# La la la la

# La la la la #