All language subtitles for An.Idiot.Abroad.S01E05.Egypt

The Seven Wonders of the World.

Christ the Redeemer.

The Taj Mahal.

The Great Pyramids.

Truly man's greatest achievements.

But there's one man who sees them differently.

It's like a pylon to them, that.

Karl Pilkington.

I don't know the politically correct term.
Moron, I think.

He is a round, empty-headed, chimp-like,
Manc moron. Buffoon. Idiot.

Is that normal?

And he's a friend!

He's a typical Little Englander.
He doesn't like going out of his comfort zone.

Bollocks are squashed.

I just think it'd be amazing
to send him round the world.

What we'd like to see is him experience
other cultures, other peoples,

and see if in any way
we can change his outlook on the world.

I've been to many exotic places.
I genuinely think travel broadens the mind.

I want him to hate it. I want him to hate
every minute of it for my own amusement.

Nothing is funnier than Karl,
in a corner, being poked by a stick.

I am that stick,
and now I have the might of Sky behind me.

Shit! Shit!

This is one of the funniest,
most expensive practical jokes I've ever done.

And it's going to be great.

Just let me go. Jesus Christ!

Right, Karl,
we've arranged for you to go to Egypt.

To see the Great Pyramids.

I mean, that is a remarkable sight,
truly one of the Seven Wonders of the World.

- What do you know about the pyramids?
- Over 4,000 years old.

- 4,000 years old!
- Are they the oldest thing on the world?

I told you! He needs an absolute.
He needs an absolute.

Yeah, they're the oldest thing on the world.

That's pretty amazing, going to see
the oldest thing on the world.

They're not the oldest thing on the world,
are they? How do you think they built it?

Just took their time.
Didn't have any distractions.

Now you see workmen, it's like, "You've got
to get it done. We've got another job on."

Back then, they'd just go, "This is what
we've got to do. Get it done, get it built.

"Go for that shape."
And each day, they would've just...

What? The foreman went, "Go for that shape,"
and they went, "All right"?

- Yeah.
- Right, go on, then. Enjoy the pyramids.

All right.

I think we've got to send him Economy.

I think we've got to put him up
in shacks and awful hotels.

And that'll be funny.

The nice hotels seem to have gone now.

That's not good, is it?

This is grim round here.

When something looks grim in the dark,

you know it's not going to be better in the day,
don't you?

We had here Michael Palin. Monty Python.

And has he been back since?

No, not... No.

Thank you.

- How long are we here?
- (Man) What?

How long are we here for?

(Dog barks and car horns blare)

I don't know what...
I mean, this is a bit of a...

It's a little bit... grim.
Look at it.

- Did Rick and Steve know this was...
- Well, they knew Michael Palin stayed here.

Yeah, I know, but it was 30 years ago.

A lot's changed.
You know, I was still at school.

How many days am I here?

There's a...
There's a piano right outside the room.

Well, when do they start playing that piano?
Cos it's literally right there.

If they start having a sing-along, I'm...

Jesus Christ.

Sit on that.

Sit on that. Is there a mattress on it?

Sit... Honest to God, sit on that.

It is unbelievable.

- Oh, God. How am I going to sleep?
- (Horns beeping)

It's a bit cosier now.

Ricky'll be happy. Ricky'll be over the moon
with this when he sees this.

Cos he wanted to annoy me.

I don't know how this is teaching me
anything about, you know, being Egyptian.

I mean, the fella who owns the place,
his dad's 96.

There's no way you live to be 96 by living
on a bed like that in a damp room like this...

- (Horns beeping)
...and having them at it all night, bibbing.

I'll leave it there.

I don't know what I'm meant to be doing,
cos I haven't heard from Ricky and Steve yet,

so I'm just going to go out for a wander,

walk about, deal with some locals, you know.

And that's the plan, really.

Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch.

- No, thanks, mate.
- Just to drink.

- A what?
- All the drink is ten pound.

Coca-Cola, Sprite, water, tea, café, Nescafé,
cappuccino, mango, lemon, orange, beer.

All drink, ten pounds.

Yeah, I'm all right at the moment,
but I might pop in later on.

- My name is Sharif, OK?
- Sharif.

- Welcome to Egypt.
- Cheers, Sharif. I'll be there for a drink.

Cheers. No, it's all right,
I've just had a word with Sharif.

He's going to look after me when I've...

Sharif? Sharif? No café, this eat.

That's eat? OK. So if I want a drink, see you,
and see you for something to eat?

- Cheers.
- Thank you, mate. Bye-bye!

- Hiya. That's good. Hiya.
- Have a nice time.

- I will do. Thanks a lot. Cheers.
- Come back here and no problem.

- If I want a drink...
- My name Sharif.

- He's Sharif.
- No, no, my name Omar Sharif.

- Omar Sharif?
- Omar Sharif. Omar Sharif. Here.

I'll pop in if I'm hungry.

- Coca-Cola, café, Nescafé...
- You what, mate?

...café, Nescafé, cappuccino, cerveza, beer,
mango, lemon, orange...

Er...

- I'm not hungry at the moment. All right?
- (Men talking in Arabic, laughing)

I've... Honestly, it's all right.

- It's all right. Cheers, man.
- What do you want?

- Say again?
- What do you want? Drink?

I'm just walking through.
If I get thirsty, I'll pop by.

Jesus!

Do you know what?
I'm not that hungry at the moment.

- Yes?
- Yeah, I was, back there. I've gone off food.

I'm OK at the moment, all right?

- Thanks a lot. Cheers.
- You come back.

Jesus Christ.

I've already got some.

I don't smoke.

If I wanted a watch, I'd buy one off you.
Don't need.

- It's for a woman?
- Woman. No man.

My girlfriend's head is slightly bigger.

I don't need any glasses.

Jesus Christ.

If there's one thing that's done my head in
since I've been here, it's all this.

You can't walk down here.
Forget just using it as a cut through.

Cos it's not a short cut. It can't be,
cos you get stopped every few seconds.

You all right?

So, I mean,
I bet she left the house when she was ten.

I tell you, seriously, it takes you forever
to get anything done here.

Morning.

I didn't sleep at all.

Erm... Well, I'm going to go over
and see the pyramids today.

That's the plan.
That's why I'm in Egypt, innit?

I wish I could have seen them sooner.

The sooner I see 'em,
the sooner I can go home.

Steve's sorted out some local bloke
who's got a camel.

He's going to take me over there
on one of them.

When I was younger, I got on a horse,

and someone burnt the horse's arse
with a fag end.

It bolted and I was on it, falling off the edge,

so I've always said I'd never go on any animal
that's bigger than me.

So it's a little bit crazy, but it seems
to be the way they get around here.

They're all using donkeys and camels.

So as long as nobody's near me with a fag end,
I should be all right, really.

It's crazy here, though, innit?

It's the non-touristy bit, innit?
This is what it's all about.

So er...
Yeah, I'm meeting this fella.

I need to use his toilet straight away.

- Is that rude?
- No, should be all right.

- Mahmoud.
- Hi.

- How are you doing? Good to see you.
- Fine. You, too.

- I'm Karl.
- Welcome.

- All right.
- Come in.

Do you mind if I use your toilet quickly?

It's just that I've drunk a lot of coffee
this morning. I'm dying for a wee.

- That's my family here.
- Hello.

- Who's that?
- Cooking tea.

- Is that your girlfriend or?
- She's my mother.

- Your mother?
- Come on, man.

- She's not your mother.
- She is.

Can I ask how old she is?

She is 38.

She is my mother. In our family,
we are married when we are very young.

- How old are you?
- I am 22 and I have a child.

(Quiet clucking)

Ah, I needed that. That's better.

That's me and my wife.

Is that it now for life?
Are you settled now?

- You'll just stay with this woman?
- I can have more if I want.

If I feel like I want one, I can take four woman.

- You're allowed four women?
- Yes, four woman I can have if I want to.

I'm happy till now,
but I don't know what's going to happen.

Pace yourself. I mean, you're only 22.

Spread it out a little bit, you know?

Do you know how Snow White had,
like, a happy midget, miserable one...

She had a mixture.
Would you go for a totally different woman?

So that if you're in the mood for someone
to be happy, you go, "Oh, I'll see her today."

Yes. Life is too short, man.

One, two, three.

- Hang on a minute.
- Hold on tight on here.

Whoa!

Jesus! Bloody high up, this, innit?

- All right.
- You just need to hold well.

I'm holding on.

All right?

- (Horns blare)
- What's going on?

Fuckin' hell.

My bollocks...
bollocks are squashed.

(Protracted farting)

- Is that you or the camel?
- Huh?

- Is that you?
- What?

- That sounded human.
- That's the camel, man.

Well, you know, bit of the rocking left and right
makes things happen.

What you got to remember is,
I'm getting the backdraught.

(Mahmoud chuckles)

(Karl) Oh...

(Karl) How you doing?

It's chronic, innit, today?

I can't even see the pyramids.

You come all this way
and that's the view you get.

I mean, the idea is now
that I stand here and I'm blown away.

That's what's meant to happen, innit?

I mean, I am getting blown away, but mainly
by the wind. We've got a sandstorm on.

I've got sand in my eyes. I can't see
anything anyway, even if it was a clear day.

It's a bit annoying. You know,
I thought it would feel more special than this.

I keep getting messages from home.

Suzanne's moaning about the boiler again.
That's starting to play up.

Normally that's my problem,
but now I'm away I've made it her problem.

And then I'm also getting messages...
I'll show you this one.

...from Ricky. He keeps sending stuff because
he knows it costs me money to receive 'em.

He's just sent one here.

Seventy pence.

Cos he knows that it's cost me about 70p
for him to send that.

There's nothing else. He's not asking,
"How are you?" You know.

"What are you up to? What have you seen?
Are you enjoying it?" 70p.

That's all he said.

- (Man) So why are you wearing this?
- It's comfy wear, innit?

This is like pyjamas, at the end of the day.

The problem is,
I've been getting mozzie bites and stuff.

So I wanted something with longer sleeves on it
to keep them away.

Er... And it's just comfy.
Loads of room in it.

Normally, pyjamas sort of roll up
your arms and your legs and that,

but this is...
You know, it's all right, innit?

I mean, that's the good thing.
If you lived here, you could just...

If you start work at nine,
you could get out of bed about five to.

Keep it on. Straight off.

Steve sent me a text
and said meet up with a lad called Ahmed.

He's going to show me round the place.

(Ahmed) Yalla, yalla, yalla!

- Good one.
- All right.

Here you are, here's a gap. What do you reckon?

- Yeah?
- Yalla.

- Good job.
- Easy.

- Now you are Egyptian.
- Brilliant.

Oh, wow. If you saw that at home,
you'd presume it was a pet shop.

- What's a pet shop?
- Animals that you buy...

No, no, no, that's for food. Only for food.

So when you look at that,
do you go, "Mmm" rather than "Aw"?

Well, yeah, they eat them.

- What's this stuff?
- Cotton.

- Feel?
- Egyptian cotton.

- So what would people do with this?
- For mattresses.

I could do with that, actually, at the hotel.

Right, we'll do a bit of practice about haggling.

You need to haggle,
otherwise you will get ripped off.

Hang on. So I come in your shop,
I'm browsing, I'm looking around.

This is the finest piece we have,
and it's for one hundred.

- A hundred English.
- Seems a bit expensive, that.

Now, you need to tell me... You need
to tell me just to reduce it. You say ten.

So you want me to buy the water?
I didn't come in here for that.

I came in here for an ashtray for a present.
Do you sell ashtrays?

No. We'll try...

OK.

- Have you got an ashtray?
- No, no, no, I...

I'll leave it, then.

Right, I'd sack you.
If you had a shop, I would get rid of you.

If I owned the shop and you worked in there...
That's rubbish.

Hey, my friend!
How can I take your money?

I'm all right, thanks.

Sir! Give me one thousand dollars,
sir, please! (Laughs)

Welcome to Cairo. Welcome.

- You must be able to go lower than 160.
- 160 is nothing.

- What about 90?
- You want to get it for free?

- Never mind.
- You are a very clever guy.

But I don't agree with your price!

- Egyptian wool. Egyptian. Is 120.
- I thought you agreed 110?

No, he said 120 for you.

Do I get money off with the nose missing?

No.

Well, I've been out all day, seeing how
the locals live, which is what it's all about.

Thought the day was coming to an end,
thought I'd be able to relax a little bit,

and I've just got a message
from Ricky and Steve

saying they've sorted out a place
for me to have my tea tonight,

which is a bit of a worry.

I'll get you the special of the day.

- Typical Egyptian food.
- Cheers. Thanks a lot.

That's a bit annoying. He's just cooking
something for me. I don't know what it is.

I don't like hummus that much.
Hummus, couscous.

Anything like that, I just don't have
that sort of stuff. It's not a meal, it's a garnish.

(Bone snaps)

I would have loved just, er...
chicken and chips.

Just something not too challenging.

I just want a meal. I'm hungry.

I've never experimented that much with food.

I didn't have pasta till I was about 21, 22.

- Here.
- All right. Brilliant.

I got a bit of a taste of that at the end,
and I'm sure I knew what it was.

Let me just have a bit again.
I'm sure I've had it before.

(Man) OK.

- It's rubbery.
- Rubbery, chewy.

Quite beefy.

- Have a testicle.
- That's a testicle?

Uh-huh. And the chewy one...

penis.

Normally on a Monday night,

I'd probably have a little bit of lamb
that's left over from Sunday dinner.

And yet, you know, this Monday night,

cock and bollocks, couple of eyes,

er...
bit of tongue, you know, for garnish.

I never thought I'd be saying that.

It's supposed to be good for you as a meal.

But why do you use everything to that degree?

We kind of eat everything. Nothing goes
to waste. And besides, it's delicious.

- You said...
- Yeah, I said... Well, I didn't say delicious.

You put words in my mouth,
along with other things.

(Mobile rings)

Hello? Hello?

What?

(Laughter)

- It's er...
- (Siren blares)

Can you hear that?

It's just car horns and that, constant.

(Ricky laughs)

- Oh, Godl
- Anyway, the hotel's pretty depressing.

What, the little...
little hat?

No, I wasn't planning on rushing out.

Yeah, but I told you, when in Rome
I'm happy to go along with it. I'll eat pasta.

(Laughs)

But when in Egypt...

They don't say, do they?
When in Egypt, have a bollock for lunch.

See you later. Yep. Bye.

When Michael Palin
goes working round the world,

is this what it's like for him?

Has he got racket going on like that outside?

Has he got mates calling him up, annoying him?

I mean, when Palin
went round the world in 80 days,

I wonder if that was a scheduled time

or if he just said, "I'm sick of this,
can we speed it up?"

Is that better? I don't know.

(Call to prayer)

I'd be quite happy going home now. Honestly.
You know, I've been here a few days.

All right, I haven't seen the pyramids yet,
but I bet most of the locals haven't.

That's what happens when you live somewhere.
You don't bother seeing touristy stuff.

I haven't even seen Buckingham Palace yet.

But the weather's bad, innit,
so what am I meant to do?

D'you know what I mean?
So I'm just killing time, really, till it clears up.

Steve sorted it out with Ahmed
to show me round a museum,

which apparently is world-famous.

That's what Steve said. I was like,
"What do you mean, world-famous?"

He said, "It's a world-famous museum."
I said, "I haven't heard of it."

He said, "What do you mean?"
I said, "I haven't heard of it."

So, Karl, I would like you to join me
on a journey through time.

From the moment we walk in, a long history
of splendour and mystery will be unfolding.

I will breathe life into history.

So, I'm not looking forward to going round it,
to be honest.

I don't go to museums at home.

So I don't see what difference it makes,
just cos it's in Egypt.

So you have, clockwise,
from pre-dynastic to early dynastic,

old kingdom, middle kingdom, new kingdom.

So look here, the pharaoh is harpooning.

A nine-years-old boy king.

You cannot see the hippo he is harpooning.
Why not? See, this is the magic.

Because with magic,
that hippo will come into life.

So, again, a coffin within a coffin,
a sarcophagus within a sarcophagus.

You can see the cartouche.

The cartouche has the name of the pharaoh,
the boy king.

At some point, he was bringing back a pygmy.

Was it a portrait? Can you avoid portraying
the pharaoh? This is very hard to reconcile.

Because the soul will be searching.

The ka wants to find the pharaoh,
the boy king Tutankhamun.

Yes, you do have the cartouche
with the boy king,

but it helps even more...

Coming in here with Ahmed,
he's like a kid in a sweet shop.

He's just...
Show you this, show you that.

It's mental, and you can't take it all in.

It's like going Christmas shopping
on Christmas Eve in a department store.

There's too much going on,
too much to look at, too many people.

You're being pushed along. It's a nightmare.

I want to call it a day here
and get back to, I don't know,

eating fucking cock and bollocks again.

Seems more fun than this to me.

That just seems to me like
a bit over-the-top.

A lot of gold, a bit sort of Peter Stringfellowish.

It's exactly the same as my Aunty Nora's house
with ornaments.

She keeps buying one and then she has to buy
a new shelf to put the ornaments up.

It's like, "I haven't got room,
so I'll buy another shelf."

She fills that, and another, and that's what I'm
saying about Ahmed saying they're expanding it.

They're saying they're expanding it
so more people can get in,

but you know for a fact they'll go,
"Oh, you've got more room, have you?

"Bring some more in. Get digging again."

Hey, there's a sign.

Can I get two pieces of chicken? Two.

What? It's a KFC for deaf people.

So what do I have to do? I don't understand.
Do I just point?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

One, yeah. One of them.

For one.

Original.

I don't quite know what's going on.

Are they all deaf?

Can you hear me?

Can you hear me?

Hello.

No. They're all... They're all deaf.

Thanks. Thanks a lot. Brilliant.

That was good. It's a good idea.

- What, to have a deaf KFC?
- Well, yeah, cos... Why not?

I don't come in here for a chat.
You're coming here for food. Fast food.

It'll be even faster,
cos they're not chatting behind there.

A lot of the time in McDonald's,
they're all gabbing by the milkshake counter.

But in here, it was quick.
It's there in front of you. Point, bang, done, out.

It's amazing, innit?

I mean, with technology, most of it, you don't
really use it, do you? It's kind of like a toy.

But seeing them use it,
it sort of makes you realise

it's a good invention,
video calling and picture messaging.

But when Ricky sends me a picture,
it's that sort of thing.

So this is what I'm saying.

We don't sort of use it properly.

They've got a proper use.

Do you know what I mean?

I'd say that's the most annoying thing
about being in this place,

just being hassled all the time,
no matter where you are,

no matter what time of day it is,
just constantly hassling you.

A deaf lad sort of tapped me on the back,
gave me a bit of paper...

I couldn't read it, cos it was all in Arabic.

... and pointed to say it's a charity thing.

And I went and gave him a hundred
Egyptian pounds, so he got twelve quid off me.

He didn't even look that happy.

I'll be skint by the end of tonight.

I spent a load of time
with some deaf people in KFC. They were nice.

I don't know if he was deaf.
That's the thing with that one, innit?

It's not like all the other disabilities,
where you can go, "Is he lying?"

You know, you can see if someone's
got a leg missing or blind or something.

But with him...

"Oh, that's terrible.
There you go, have some money."

My mam's the same.
I think that's who I get it off.

Me dad said she walked up to some fella
who she thought was a Big Issue seller,

who was stood there
with a magazine in his hands.

She walked up, she said, "You can keep
the magazine," and gave him a quid.

Turns out it was just a fella stood outside Going
Places, with a holiday brochure in his hand.

He kept it.

(Rings)

All right?

Yeah, all right, mate. How's it going?

Yeah, but I've seen that. I went to
the Millennium Dome. It's all the same stuff.

Go on.

It's not my sort of night at all.

It's just not the sort of
entertainment thing I do.

I mean, it's nice going down any river
on a boat, but I'd do it in the day.

At night it's pointless. You can't see anything.

And it's that thing. It's like,
you know you're there for a couple of hours.

There's no getting away from it.

So they could do anything,
once you're on there.

They had some entertainment on,
with someone whizzing round and round.

He starts off, he's got like a quilt round him,
and he starts spinning.

And it was only when he'd been spinning
for about three minutes that I thought...

"It's pretty difficult. He's just been
spinning. He'll be getting dizzy in a bit."

It went on for ages. It's not the sort of thing
you have to watch whilst he's doing it.

You just glance over now and again.
Oh, he's still going. Having a bit of turkey.

Bit of a waste of energy.

It would have been good if at the end
he said, "And thanks to, you know, Terry.

"He's been whizzing round,
and because of that...

"that energy he's created
had the oven working. We've got more food."

Or just something to make it seem
more impressive than it was.

But the colours and that were good,
and he sort of kept the room quite cool.

It was quite hot in there, so you've got him
wafting about, creating a draught.

(Phone rings)

(Speaks Arabic)

I didn't know what was going on
with the comedian.

I mean, jokes, anyway, even if he spoke English,
humour's different, innit, everywhere you go?

(Speaks Arabic)

It was a terrible night,
do you know what I mean? I hated it.

It's not my sort of thing at all, that.

When I got up and was dancing,

cos I did it,
just cos I thought, "Well, I'm here now,"

and Ricky and Steve don't want me to do it.

They know I'd hate it,
so I thought, "I might as well enjoy it."

So I got up and had a dance.

And she told me
that I was the best dancer she'd ever seen.

Er... Not bad, is it?

The traffic's horrendous.

(Sighs)

Just...
It's not just the traffic. It's just beeping.

But it just seems to be like people letting on
to each other at four in the morning.

Like, go home. What are you doing?

So, erm... I reckon I've had about...

I reckon I've had about an hour's kip.

I mean, that song, Walk Like An Egyptian,

no one's walking.

Everyone seems to be in a car at all hours,
just beeping.

(Beeping continues)

It's not enough, is it? it's not enough to say
something's amazing just cos they're old.

Cos you can get an old person
who's done nowt all their life.

You wouldn't go, "Amazing."
You'd go, "Lazy bastard. They've done fuck-all."

So age shouldn't really make something special.

I'm not worrying about who built them,
cos it's ages ago, really.

When I first bought my first house,
I didn't go, "Who built it?"

I want to know, is it safe?
Is it structurally sound?

Erm... Is it haunted?

Whoa!

What's the rush? It's been here
for 4,000 years. What's he doing?

(Groans) Me arse!

This is mental.

Just a lot of er...

A lot of shit.

You don't normally see any of this, do you?
You don't see that many buses there.

It looks like it's sat
in the middle of a nice desert.

But it isn't, is it? It's just a building site.

I'm half tempted to ask for a hard hat.

I mean, it's not even bits of old pyramid, is it?
You've got all sorts.

You've got bricks here from, like,
council houses and that.

It's literally just, er...

People have brought up shit
and dumped it here.

It's like something out of
Planet Of The Apes, innit?

Barren.

(Wind howls)

It's like a little tornado, innit?

Yeah, you don't see that
in the brochure, do you?

A shitty old nappy whizzing through the air.
They tend to leave that out.

You see, I've always wanted to see a tornado.

That is on my wish list before I die.

Cos it's natural.
It's a natural thing that I don't understand.

If that was like a little housing estate,

you'd go, "Yeah, any will do.
Are they all the same size?"

The design actually is a bit odd, cos
the square footage, the floor size, is massive.

But the upstairs bit is tiny.

The Great Pyramid was built by Atlantian
survivors, with extraterrestrial help.

And they built the pyramid
with the help of sound,

because sound was used very much in Atlantis.

Andrew and Seija were just saying
that they use the pyramids at night.

They just nip in there to do some meditation
and what-have-you.

So they said I can go with them,

but I've got to learn
to do some meditation first.

So they've just given me some words to learn.

Er, once I've done that,
they've said they'll take me in.

So that seems fair enough, don't it?

- Anekh sheshen wibaynoo.
- (Crockery clattering)

Are they washing up before we do this?

Leave the washing-up, Seija.
It's spoiling the mood a bit.

- Leave this?
- Yeah.

Anekh sheshen wibaynoo.

- If you open that door, I just put those there.
- This is madness.

Gandhi wouldn't have washed up
before he starts...

(Call to prayer)

Can't escape noise in here.

(Karl) Anekh sheshen winay...
wibaynoo.

- (Call to prayer)
- How long's this going to go on now?

A couple of minutes. Two, three minutes.
But it's five times a day.

- (Prayer call continues)
- You might as well finish the washing-up.

No rush with the washing-up, Andrew.

(Call to prayer continues)

I bet they don't show you round a property
round here at certain times of the day, do they?

No, probably not.

When you're buying a place, "Come on,
we got to get going." "Why?" "Just let's go."

- You buy it, this kicks off.
- (Seija laughs)

Unbelievable.

That was all a bit weird, wasn't it?
But I liked it, know what I mean?

I'm into that sort of weirdness.

Plus it means that I'm actually going to go
inside a pyramid tomorrow. It's all worth it.

(Draws breath)

Got another mozzie bite there.
It's well itchy, that one.

I think it's that same mozzie.

It's in the room more than the cleaners are.

They haven't shown their faces still.

I don't think they're going to now.
I can't see the point.

It's like a game of Jenga
that's got out of hand, innit?

Pretty high up, innit?

I've, erm...
I've took a little bit of it.

- A little bit of... A little bit of the pyramid.
- Let's have a look.

Got a little piece.

- I don't think you're meant to...
- It was loose.

I didn't chip it off. It was loose anyway.

It's just, it's better than
the tat that you buy, innit?

It's better than, you know, buying
a little Egypt fella on the back of a camel.

One for you.

But it's weird how you're allowed
to just wander about on 'em.

If this was at home, this would all be roped off.
Wouldn't be allowed anywhere near it.

It's not treated like a wonder.
It's just like a manmade mountain, innit?

(Low humming)

Well, I'm just with Andrew and Seija again.

They're going to teach me some more chanting
before we go in.

(Nasal humming)

I don't know what's going on in her head
but, you know, I like her.

I think she believes in all the energy thing
that she's going on about.

I want to believe it.

- (All) Aaaaah.
- It'll be nice if something happens,

or if I feel like a bit of a, "Ooh, what's that?"

Let's see what happens.

(Chants sustained, resonant note)

(Seija joins in)

It's times like this when I think,

I used to have a proper job, what am I doing?

This is it, then. I'm actually
going inside a pyramid, which is good.

I didn't even know you could go in 'em.
I just thought they were like a solid structure.

Just a load of blocks.

But you can get in 'em.
So, pretty exciting, innit?

We are now in the centre of our planet,

an ancient power point.

# Anekh

# Sheshen

# Wibaynoo #

I wasn't happy about getting in there.

I'm not good in small spaces anyway,
d'you know what I mean?

But I just was thinking, "Oh, I don't like this."

(Seija moaning)

- So there was a dead body in there?
- (Man) Yeah.

I've got in somewhere with some...

All them injections I had, it'll be all right,
it'll cover me for that, won't it?

(Andrew and Seija moaning)

I mean, it was all right, you know?

Nothing happened, did it? I got a little bit
of a twinge, but I just think that was cramp.

I don't know, she seems fed up, really,
that I didn't get anything.

But there's no point pretending, is there?
That's sort of humouring her.

(Seija moaning)

I'll tell you what it reminded me of.

Me going to a wedding for Suzanne.

She likes going to weddings, I hate going.

And it was like I went, I did it all for her,

but because I didn't enjoy it, I still
get her moaning at the end of the night.

It was a bit like that. I did all that for her.

And it was pretty comfy.
I mean, you know, compared to the Windsor.

I tell you what,
I could probably get me head down in there.

- It's not funny, is it?
- What?

Well, I've been living next door to this.

- Did Ricky put me in that one on purpose?
- Yeah.

Yeah.

This is the room Michael Palin was in.

I don't know if... I mean, they say travel
broadens the mind, but I don't know if it does.

It buggers it up. I'm knackered.

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