All language subtitles for An.Idiot.Abroad.S01E02.India

The Seven Wonders of the World.

Christ the Redeemer.

The Taj Mahal.

The Great Pyramids.

Truly man's greatest achievements.

But there's one man who sees them differently.

Like a pylon.

Karl Pilkington.

I don't know the politically correct term.
Moron, I think.

He is a round, empty-headed, chimp-like
Manc moron. Buffoon. Idiot.

Is that normal?

And he's a friend.

He's a typical little Englander and
he doesn't like going out of his comfort zone.

Bollocks are squashed.

I just think that it'd be amazing
to send him round the world.

What we'd like to see is him experience
other cultures, other peoples,

and see if in any way we can change
his outlook on the world.

I've been to many exotic places.
I genuinely think travel broadens the mind.

I want him to hate it.

I want him to hate every minute of it,
for my own amusement.

Nothing is funnier than Karl in a corner
being poked by a stick.

I am that stick, and now I have
the might of Sky behind me.

Oh, shit. Shit!

This is one of the funniest, most expensive
practical jokes I've ever done,

and it's gonna be great.

Just let me go home. Jesus Christ!

This you must be excited about seeing, surely?

This, truly, without question,
is one of the Seven Wonders of the World.

- The extraordinary Taj Mahal. Yeah?
- Yeah.

Built in the 17th century.
It took them 22 years to construct it.

That's not good, is it? If that happened now,
you'd go, "What they doing?"

It's the 17th century,

a man who builds a mausoleum
for his dead wife, so heartbroken is he.

Guilty. He obviously did something bad
when she was alive.

That's like giving someone flowers. I've
never had to do that. I've never felt guilty.

- You never thought, "Give her some flowers"?
- No, she'd be like, "What's been going on?"

If I built her that, she'd be going,
"What's been going on?"

Why did he feel he had to do that?

Cos he loved her so much.
It was a shrine to her memory.

(Karl) Yeah.

(Bicycle bell rings, horns beeping)

Just a little elephant going down the street.

I can't imagine them being that good
as a way of getting about.

To me, that's like how people moan in London
about people having four-by-fours.

You don't need an animal of that size
to get about. It's way too big.

(Vehicles sounding horns)

Getting ill is my biggest worry
about being here.

I hate being ill.

You know, Suzanne isn't around.
I'm on my own.

If I get ill,
I'll just have to mope about on my own.

It's definitely the poorest place
I've ever been to, you know, without a doubt,

and I...
I don't know if I'll be able to get used to that.

- (Horse snorts)
- Fucking runaway horse!

It's doing my head in, this.

I'm meant to be meeting a local fella who
rides one of these rickshaws for a living.

Um... Ricky and Steve thought
it'd be a good idea, for some reason.

I can't work out what the reason is, though.

This is madness. It's like standing
in the middle of a motorway.

I mean, what a place to meet
a fella who's got a rickshaw!

My eyes have never been so busy. There's
always something there going, "Look at me!"

And then, as you turn that way, you see
something over there. So, you're like that.

By the end of today
my neck will be well and truly worn out,

cos it doesn't normally move that fast.

There's layers of madness. And what is that?
Where... where is he taking that?

You can't say he's taking it to the tip,
cos there's shit everywhere.

They just overload the bike so much
that you just kind of think, "Get a van."

Can you see any distinguishing features
in this fella's rickshaw?

- Aashiq?
- Yeah, yeah.

Are you?

OK. It's a bit of a mad place
to sit and have a discussion.

Yeah, yeah.

- (Horns sound)
- Oncoming traffic. Oh.

Ah, what the fucking hell's going on?

I've got this bus up my arse here.

Oh! There's no way of getting around.

- Oh!
- (Horn sounds)

Going through someone's cricket game.

How long have I been here?
I haven't even been here a full day yet.

I thought the day was gonna end
and I'd at least have a good night's kip.

That's not gonna happen now.
Aashiq's just invited me to stay with him.

He lives in the back of a shop.

- You've got a shop. You live in it as well.
- Yeah.

- The rickshaw?
- Yeah.

Hiya. It's hot in here.

- (Music playing)
- (Chatter)

Erm...

I'll just sit down here, if that's all right.

- So, how would you sleep here?
- Yeah.

- What, just flat out there?
- Yeah.

Tonight, how many will be sleeping here?

Can you understand why this is
a little bit of a shock to me?

(Chatter)

(Karl) When I found out that he ran
a shop from where he lived,

I kind of thought he'd be...

you know, how you see chippies,
and they've got a living room in the back

and when you walk in, the bell goes and
they run out from watching Emmerdale Farm,

and you say, "I'll have cod and chips."

That's what I was expecting, not sort of a...
I mean, what is this?

It isn't a living space, is it?

- What's it lacking?
- What's it lacking?

There isn't even a toilet, actually.
That's only just hit me.

I was worrying about having to use
a traditional toilet.

There isn't one, so that's that worry gone.
But then...

What...
what do I do?

(Horns sounding)

- OK?
- So, we're not staying here tonight?

(Chuckles) No, no, no.

What makes you think I would be happier
in this other place? Have they got a toilet?

- Yeah.
- Let's go, then.

- Yeah, let's go.
- Good, you've sold it to me.

This is more like it.

This will do.

Toilet, brilliant. Well, how do you go?
I don't understand the...

Go, go, go. Turn, turn.

- Hang on. I'm just getting my balance.
- Take the... Yeah.

No paper?
l-I don't think I'll be able to go like this.

My body's just not used to this.

I know, but do you understand
how difficult it is for me?

- I've come from London.
- Yeah.

Less than 24 hours ago, I was sat in one.
Newspaper. Quite happy.

Not even 24 hours ago.

Now you're saying, "Come in here,
give it that, you'll be all right."

It's not as easy as that for me.
My insides won't... won't allow it to happen.

It can't possibly be better.

- Splash back. I don't want to get into detail.
- No, no, no.

(Snorts) Well, you'll see tomorrow,
cos I am getting first dibs on this

and you'll see if it's better and you'll go,
"Good God, who's been in here?"

- (Laughs)
- Let's see how good it is.

You're laughing cos you know I'm right.

Right, hopefully I won't need to go.

I didn't sleep well last night, did I?

I'm still shattered from yesterday.
I mean, that was a mental first day.

It doesn't look like it's gonna end. Aashiq's
just given me some pyjamas to wear.

He said, "Oh, you'll be needing these for
your next surprise. " I don't know what it is.

You know, I mean surprises
are meant to be nice things, aren't they?

- What's up, Karl?
- (Vehicle sounds horn)

(Karl) Just got a text from Steve.

"Hi, Karl. India is not all poverty
and urban chaos, mate."

Well, he obviously hasn't been here, cos it is.
So, straightaway that's annoyed me.

"Time to get your arse up north,

"for some exposure
to the spiritual side of India,

"the biggest religious festival on the planet,
only 20 million pilgrims expected."

He knows I hate crowds.

"Just one hurdle, to get there,
it's an eight-hour overnight bus ride."

Excuse me, what's all this?

Why are they covered in...

- Jesus.
- Yes, yes, yes, Holi Day!

I want to go to the bus station now.
Bus station. You know, the big bus, big...

- Mm.
- Toot, toot!

- (Man shouts)
- (Horn sounds)

I don't know what's going on.

Just everybody... just looks like
they're painter and decorators.

Everyone is just caked in colours.

- Happy Holi!
- (Cheering)

I just hope we don't stop
at any more traffic lights

cos every time we stop,
someone slaps my face with a load of colour.

Er... the bus is coming up.

Buses.

Is this the bus station? Bus station?
I'm trying to get a bus.

- You come with me.
- Buses down here, yeah?

Your family?

- They... they love you.
- Happy Holi.

Happy Holi!

Happy Holi!

What's... what are we doing here?

- Happy Holi. Happy Holi.
- Happy Holi.

I mean, normally if I'm messing about
with paint, I'm quite a tidy worker.

This wouldn't happen.

But I didn't have the time to not do it, did I?

He said, "Come and meet my family." I'm like,
"All right, then." Next thing you know...

(Drumming)

I mean, it is paintball,
basically, without the safety.

There was no goggles involved.
It was just, "Doofl"

(Drumming)

It was good that Aashiq
was concerned about my clothing,

and he gave me summat to wear today.

He could have told me about the shoes,
you know.

I mean, that's all very well telling me,
like, to worry about a T-shirt

that was 12 quid from Topman.

I've got 70-quid trainers on.
He didn't tell me to take them off.

So, um... they're knackered.

Yesterday I thought I'd got used to it.

I thought, "Right, I'll be OK tomorrow."

Just when you think, "Right, I know
what India means, I know what it's all about,"

this happens.

Anyway, where's this bus stop?

I'm not well, honestly, I feel really sick.

- (Water dripping)
- I've got a fever.

I can't tell if I'm sort of...
got a bad fever,

cos, you know, I can't tell what colour I am
with all the... with all the dye.

- (Water dripping)
- But, um... What's that?

Er... I don't care any more.

I just sort of feel like
if I'm gonna shit myself, I will.

Cos I just feel that sort of ill.

That's never been used.

(Door creaking)

Is that it? Is that the...
Oh, there's a queue here.

- I'm just... He's helping me out.
- Not here.

Yeah? Is that all right?
Sorry. Just a quick one.

Is there a ticket to Haridwar?

They're kicking off. I knew that would happen.

Yeah, yeah, I know, I know.

I'm happy...

I mean, at the end of the day,
are these all for the same bus?

You know,
I don't want to be sat on a bus for eight hours

with some people who,
you know, are pissed off with me.

Oh, excuse me. Thanks.

(Chatter)

Excuse me.

I tell you what, it doesn't matter
how amazing that Taj Mahal is,

it's not worth all this.

I haven't even seen it yet
but I'm telling you that now,

and that isn't good, going with that attitude.

Alan Whicker,
he did all his travel shows years ago.

A smart fella with a suit on.
Never saw him covered in shit.

Never saw him knackered, whinging, moaning.

People will be watching it going, "What's wrong
with you? It's India. What do you expect?"

You're not here.

(Voicemail) Received 4:58pm.

(Ricky) Um... yeah.

(Vehicle sounding horn)

I don't know anything about the festival,

other than what Steve told me about it
being a massive religious thing

and it's by a famous river, you know,
the Ganges, which I've heard of.

But other than that,
I don't know why I'm going,

and on top of all that, Ricky's told me that
I'm staying at a place called Lahore House.

- Sounds good, doesn't it?
- Your tent is ready.

- Tent?
- Yes.

A tent, brilliant. I haven't slept.
I'm being put in a tent.

You see?

- This is all right, isn't it?
- Yes.

- Bathroom.
- This is well smart.

(Chuckles) I wasn't expecting this. Brilliant.

Bit of a stretch there for the toilet paper,
if I'm being picky, that distance.

But I tell you what, I am really chuffed.

Yeah, I've been camping.
I've done tents before. But nothing like this.

I've got a normal toilet, which is handy
cos of the way I've been feeling.

Nice comfy bed.

View of that, you know, famous river.

Can't ask for more.

A lot of people say,
"I'm going to India to find myself."

Look at the colour of that.

But what happens if I change
and I go home and I'm all different?

Suzanne's gonna go, "What's happened to you",
and then she doesn't like the new me.

And then I'll start to hate myself because
I'm not the person who I thought I was.

I know who I am. Bloody hell.

I'm getting bills for Karl Pilkington
left, right and centre, so I hope I'm him.

Cos if I'm not, I'm paying for someone else.

(Chanting)

(Chanting)

There's nowt wrong with this, is there?

All this space here.

Honestly, I'm happy. I can stay here now
for the rest of the time here.

(Chanting)

If I'm listening to him doing that,
isn't that me getting involved?

Isn't that enough?

I'm just saying let's have a few days here.

That's the Ganges. I'll look at that.
In't that a big part of India?

Let's focus on that for a bit.

(Man) It's not very interesting telly
to just stay here all day, though, Karl.

I don't know why Steve wants me to go to
a religious festival. He knows I'm not into it.

The only things that's making me
sort of interested a little bit

is the bloke who's had his arm in the air
for 12 years and the elephant Baba.

Other than that,
I don't know what's down there for me.

(Bells chiming)

- (Phone rings)
- (Karl) All right, mate?

Er... Well, I've had better holidays.

All this spiritual stuff
you keep harping on about, it's not me.

Why do you think I'm interested in...

But that's like going to a brothel and saying,
"I'm just gonna stand over here and watch."

Either you get involved
or you shouldn't be there.

(Karl) Yeah.

Yeah, and tonight I had some sort
of new pudding that I've never had before,

carrots with sort of milk and sugar on it.

I enjoyed it. I'd have it again.
I don't know if I'll find it in London.

In HD?

This is a bit weird, isn't it?
Are these the Baba people?

I mean, they're meant to have special powers,
aren't they? But look at 'em.

I mean, I thought they'd be sort of
more religious-looking, all prim and proper.

This one hasn't even got pants on.

We are now in the area
which is all different Babas.

Welcome.

You should take his lesson.

First Baba, he reminded me of Bill Oddie.

His feet are backwards.

- Holy yoga.
- Yoga.

- Big power.
- Big power.

Even though he's meant to be this mystical
sort of man, different life and everything,

I'm just looking at him thinking,
"I haven't seen The Goodies for ages."

(Low chatter)

And then the other Baba
looked like Jim Morrison.

There he was, stark bollock naked, shades on.

He was concerned
about hurting his eyes in the sun

but wasn't worried about, you know,
sunburning his arse cheeks.

He is showing you some new postures so he'll...

- He's showing a lot.
- Yeah.

- If you want to see more, you'll have to pay.
- I don't want to see more.

I didn't know where to look.

Tell him that's enough.

Sticking his legs around the back of his head.
I got a right eyeful.

(Karl) OK.

Can I try? I just wondered
how bendy my legs are.

That's all I'm taking off.

- Phwarr! I just heard something crack.
- (Chuckling)

Right, are you ready? Hang on.

- Hey.
- (Grunting)

Aah!

Aah. I can't.

- (Grunts)
- (Laughter and chatter)

- (Bell chiming)
- (Grunts)

Hey! Dollar!

- A dollar?
- Very good.

Here you are,
here's that Baba out the paper.

So, could he explain the...
the reason why he's decided to do this?

(Speaks native language)

He has chosen this as a part
of his way of communicating

and his way of reaching to the gods.

That-that to me is...
It's ridiculous.

Most of the time, my left hand
is only helping out the right hand.

It's if I'm washing up, I'll pass it something.

That's it or it just holds something
whilst this one does all the work.

I understand that one arm
is better than the other,

but I'd never say,
"Oh, but I don't need it, right?"

Has... has anybody ever took it further
and done both? Both arms?

(Bell chiming)

(Translator) There are others also who do it
with one leg up, both hands up,

both the legs up
so they'll never stand on their feet.

That's no existence, is it?

We all dedicate our lives to something,
don't we?

Been with Suzanne for 16 years.

That's dedication for you.

And I've got my two arms to do things for her.

Is he married?
How does he help around the house?

"Albert, windows need cleaning."
"Oh, you'll have to do 'em."

- You know. It's just a great excuse, isn't it?
- (Bell chimes)

(Bell chimes)

Yeah, it was better than I thought it was,
you know, quite interesting,

and I'm going back tomorrow
to see the elephant Baba.

He's got a head like an elephant.
That should be good.

(Bells chiming)

(Bird chirping)

I'm gonna go down
to the Kumbh Mela festival again.

Which is weird, cos I didn't want to go
initially. But I found it quite interesting.

And the translator's called and he's told me
that he's found the elephant Baba.

- Yeah, I can see him. Yeah, I can see him.
- You can.

- Here we take off our shoes.
- Shoes off.

Money down there.

Oh.

- How is he feeling today? Is he well?
- OK, good.

- OK.
- Mm.

He doesn't mind... he doesn't mind
me looking at all? This is fine?

Yeah.

Does he have any sort of health issues
with him? Does he struggle doing anything?

(Speaking native language)

He's quite healthy.
He does his yoga every day.

Could you get him to explain
what effect it has had on living here

and looking like this?

(Speaking native language)

The main god for them
is Ganesh, the elephant god,

and so they consider him to be
kind of an incarnation of Lord Ganesh.

It was how I thought it would be,
you know, meeting elephant Baba.

He seems quite happy.

You know, he's doing what he can do
with the way he's been born.

It was his mate that surprised me more.

Whips his, er... walking stick out.

(Karl) Oh, God.

I don't... I don't understand what...
What does that show?

He can... he can do it just because
he does yoga every day.

(Karl) I've never heard of that sort of yoga.

- (Click)
- Ooh! What was that? There was a crack.

When you're doing that every day,
you need the walking stick.

It's handy, that,
it's a two-in-one tool in a way.

But I don't understand this need here
to let everyone know what you believe in.

Vandalising his own sort of...
knob and bollocks.

Yeah, that was an added bonus. I didn't know
I was gonna be getting that today.

(Bell chiming)

(Drum roll)

I got a text message this morning from Steve.
He said, "All right, Karl?

"I was worried that you would not
be able to understand the spirituality

"so I've asked a local saint
to take you to his ashram for the night

"for some one-to-one discussions
on the nature of life

"and higher levels of consciousness."

Apparently I'm gonna meet one of his disciples,
a feller called Dav Ram.

Hiya. Are you Dav Ram?

America.

- Dav Ram?
- America.

- What? Are you Dav Ram?
- Yes, I am.

- What do you mean, America?
- I thought you said where did I come from.

- Yes, my name is Dave Ram.
- Dav Ram. OK, brilliant.

We're gonna meet, really,
one of the great saints of India.

Swamiji has reached
the height of spiritual development.

Just being in the presence of a master
of that calibre elevates one's awareness.

- Will he keep asking me if I'm feeling that?
- No.

- No?
- No.

I'm trying to think of times in my life
where I felt a bit different.

Right.

And I remember, it was years ago,
I nearly choked to death...

Hm.

...on an ice pop.
- Hm.

My mum had to give me...

Do you know the thing where you
squeeze round the waist and cough it up?

- Right, uh-huh.
- And I got my breath back.

And after that, I felt quite, er...

alive.

OK, well, take that experience, magnify it
manifold, and let it be uninterrupted.

Hey, how are you, Swamiji?

That's good.

I've been better.

I'd say mind.

Hm.

Anyway, next thing I know,

Swamiji says, "I want to take you
across the Ganges in a boat. "

Cos he wanted to cleanse my soul.
I've never had it cleansed before.

Here you are, look, it's having a dump.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, all right. Yeah.

I'm not dipping there.
No chance. Not a chance.

You all right, swami?

- (Phone ringing)
- Oh, shitting hell. Hang on.

Hello?

I'm just on the Ganges at the moment.

I'm just on a rubber dinghy
with a 77-year-old man.

(Ricky laughs)

So, it's not a great...

I'm sat on the front here of a rubber dinghy.
Can I call you back?

I'll see you later. Ta-ra.

Good time to call, wasn't it?

Innit it wrong, though?
For me to get in there.

It doesn't mean anything to me, does it?
It doesn't count, surely.

He said, "Do you want to go in the Ganges?"
I didn't know.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

I...

And he left it at that,
which I thought was quite good.

He didn't force it on me, to go any further.

And then, um... he started stripping off
so I had to.

- This is madness.
- (Laughs)

- Come on, eh?
- (Both laugh)

Right.

(Swami laughs)

And I said, "Well, if you go in,
I'll go in", and he did.

So I had to.

Oh!

(Grunts) Bloody hell!

And I thought that was it,
and then suddenly, no, it's dunk your head.

Yeah, right.

You know, not once, either.
You have to do it three times, three dunks.

You don't do that with a ginger nut
and a cup of tea. That's a two dunk.

Yeah, that's it. Yeah.

Fine! Fine, fine, fine.

So, do that, he's happy.

He was saying, "Oh, look what it's done to you.
You look full of life."

And it did wake me up a bit,
but it is like minus five.

Back for a cup of tea?

- Have you got some biscuits? I love a biscuit.
- Yeah, yeah.

I feel like I can take a biscuit off you now.
I did that for you, that.

It's funny, isn't it? It's funny how things
change. I said I wouldn't get in there.

(Drumming and chanting)

I don't feel like I'm round
some sort of special power,

but he seems like a nice bloke
and that's all you want really.

Nice bloke, makes you feel welcome
in his gaff,

he's fed us, he's let me have a bed,
messed about in his rubber dinghy.

You know, if that's what spirituality's about.
I mean, that's just being mates, really.

That's basic, isn't it?
It's just about getting on with people.

(Drumming and chanting)

He's a transformed man. Look at this guy!

- (Karl) Very hairy.
- (Laughter)

- (Speaks native language)
- See you in the morning.

(Both laughing)

Thank you again.

(Music playing)

(Karl) I don't know why Steve sent me
to look at a cow. We've got them at home.

Anyway, soon as I got in there,
they had me on cow worship duty.

I'm giving it a centre parting.

- Cow dung cake?
- Cake.

- Is that fresh?
- Yeah, this fresh.

Anyway, these cow dung cakes,
you know, it's a type of fuel.

You know, it shouldn't really
have the word "cake" in it.

Oh, it is as well, isn't it? I thought it might
have just been mud but it is proper cow shit.

And I was worried about the local thing

about, you know, using your hand
when you've been to the toilet.

I'm getting neck high in cow shit.

- My God. I never thought I'd be doing that.
- (Bell chiming)

I've been ill twice already,
so this isn't gonna help the situation, is it?

I thought I was on the way
to the Taj Mahal today.

They said, "Oh, let's stop over here."

No problem. I'll see some cows.
What can go wrong?

And then like just as I'm leaving, you know,
they drag me into some sort of souvenir shop.

- Soap?
- Yeah.

- Cow dung juice?
- Yeah.

No one I know has ever been
rushing around going into Body Shops

saying, "You haven't got
any cow shit soap, have you?"

It's not needed. It's so not necessary in life.

Right, toothpaste but powder.
And what... what's this made from?

You can still like the cow without going
that far with the... with the shit and the piss.

- Went over my arm then. Oh, God!
- (Laughs)

It was just like old man piss. Sort of when
your grandad's been and hasn't flushed.

You drink that?

- It cures baldness?
- Yeah.

I come all the way to India.
Sticking cow shit on my head.

If I said, "Get stuff out of a chicken
and rub it over your head,"

they'd go, "Don't be stupid."

But because it's a cow
and it's this sort of religious animal,

it's just, "Yeah, drink it direct.
Get the tail up."

It's just too much.

I think it's...
It annoyed me a bit.

(Sighs)

I've still got bits under my nails.

No, it's starting to do my head in again.

Just, you know,
even when I went out travelling today.

Normally I like travelling around,
sat in a car, looking out of the window,

but it's not...
it's not a nice thing to do in India.

Honestly, I just want to go home.

Oh, Jesus. It stinks. My eyes are burning.

All right?

- (Horn sounds)
- There's the hotel.

- This is the hotel?
- Yeah, this is the hotel.

- This one?
- Ha, thik hai. This is very mahanga.

This hotel's got a honeymoon suite.

(Sounds horn)

Pilkington, honeymoon suite.

Good, isn't it?

It's good.

Honeymoon suite?
This isn't a honeymoon suite.

- Who'd have a honeymoon here?
- (Horn sounds)

What's that? What's the cupboard for?

Oh, right. It's sort of an en-suite shed,
which is, er... quite handy.

Oh, God, it stinks. (Clears throat)
Fuck me, what a shit hole!

Sandpaper.

What's this one? A dartboard?

Hm. I thought that was gonna be
the fridge to the room.

Turps. Paintbrushes. Good.

That's what you want on your honeymoon.
Every time you have a smell of Ronseal.

"Oh, that takes me back
to our special night."

(Loud music playing)

(Horn sounds)

I can't see the Taj.
He... he said you look straight out there.

(Horn sounds)

That's what you can see, that.

(Sighs) It's madness, that.

A dead body staying in summat half decent
like that and I'm in here.

- (Horn sounds)
- I hate it, honestly.

l-I really hate it here.

Fuck this. I'm not staying here.
I can't be arsed with this.

(Man) Karl, where you going?

Karl? Karl?

Karl, where you going, mate?

Fucking hell, I'm just...
I'm not staying in that room.

- (Rumbling traffic)
- What's it about?

(Man) I don't think
anyone knew it was quite as bad.

I mean, your room's not that bad
compared to ours.

It stinks of shit.

- (Rumbling traffic)
- What d'you mean, it's not that bad?

It fucking stinks.

(Rumbling traffic)

(Low chatter)

(Horn sounds)

It's just that I've been here for like ages.
I'm knackered. I haven't slept.

It's another noisy road. I've been ill.

D'you know what I mean? It's not your fault.

- All right.
- It's not your fault.

(Horns sound)

- (Chatter)
- (Horns sound)

- (Music playing)
- (Chatter)

- (Music playing outside)
- (Vehicles sounding horns)

I bet many a bloke's spent
a night in here on their own,

even though it's a honeymoon suite.

I bet the woman says, "That's it, it's over.

"If this is where you bring me
for my wedding night, forget it."

(Horn sounds outside)

It's six in the morning.
I've been awake all night, throwing up.

It's still coming out the other end.

I'm not feeling my best, to be honest.

(Man) So, it's your first proper glimpse
of the Taj Mahal, Karl. How does it feel?

It's all right, isn't it?

It's not bad.

It took 20 years to build.
He built it for his dead wife.

I just think it was a case
of keeping himself busy.

They say that, don't they, when someone dies,

it's a loss in your life
so give yourself a little project to do.

(Man) It's quite a big project,
though, isn't it?

Yeah. I mean, did he treat her well
when she was knocking around?

(Man) Well, she was one of four wives.

Know what I mean?

One of four wives. "No, I had three other wives.
I shouldn't have done that, really.

"Best stick her in something nice
now she's dead."

It's too late, it's too late, mate.
Don't come crawling back once she's dead.

(Horn sounds)

(Horns sound)

- Remish, hiya. I'm Karl.
- Nice to meet you, sir.

- Welcome to the Taj Mahal.
- Thank you very much.

When you look the Taj Mahal from
the next arch, like a Taj Mahal in a frame,

beautiful like the postcard view.

Yeah. It works well, that, doesn't it?
Nicely fits in, doesn't it?

(Remish) Yes, your dream come true.

You're front of this beautiful building,
majestic.

- Is this part of your tour?
- Yeah.

There you can see
a beautiful reflection view of Taj Mahal.

Like a,
"Buy one, get one free".

- Buy one, get one free?
- Good offer.

- Next step?
- So, you can see the Princess Diana chair.

When was in 1992 she came here,
she took the pose from here.

It's daft how the tourists
all love the Princess Diana chair.

Queuing up to sit down on a chair
that Princess Diana sat on.

Load of nonsense.

- We're after these two.
- Yes, sir, that's your turn.

This is a sausage factory.
Sit down, look miserable. Duh-zhoosh! Next.

Yes, hands on the knees.

That's the style.

Very nice.

- Was that good?
- You have a photogenic face.

Taj Mahal's beautiful, you're more handsome.

- (Man) Have you got any feelings coming up?
- Er... stomach's better now. It's fine.

(Man) I meant more of an emotional nature,
being here.

Erm... how can you have
an emotional feeling here?

There's like 40 people stood around.

Princess Diana had it closed off, didn't she?
She could sit here and think about stuff.

But compared to out there, this is peaceful.

And I think that's why Diana came here,
that's why she looked fed up.

She probably had the shits for two days.

Sick of the racket, crap hotel.
She's like, "God, when am I going home?"

Nothing to do with her marriage break-up.
It's India.

The main white structure,
four sides symmetrical.

- Look from all side, same view.
- Oh, right.

So by the centre line,
Taj Mahal divide like a mirror image.

Half this side, half other side.

- It is, isn't it, exactly?
- Yes, sir.

I find it odd, to be honest.
He's built it for a dead person.

Yet he was doing all of that symmetrical stuff.

It's like, "Hang on a minute." It's almost like
having a gravestone with a Suduko on it.

What is it? Is it a place to remember someone
and have a special moment?

Or is it a place to go and have a puzzle?

Have you ever done that thing
where you have a mirror...

- Yeah.
...and you go like that in the mirror?

- And it looks like both sides are going up?
- That's right.

- It's the same... same idea, isn't it?
- Same idea.

(Chanting)

This is the best way to see it, for me, this.

It's not the best river I've ever been down.
I think I've just seen a fish with three heads.

But I just like the peacefulness.

- (Phone rings)
- (Chanting)

All right?

Yeah, I've just been to see the Taj.

Yeah, it's all right, you know.
I was pretty impressed.

I hate it.

I stayed at that place that had
an en-suite shed. Did he stay there?

(Ricky laughs)

(Chanting)

And this is like the final view of it,
in't it, before I go home?

All right, mate? How's it going?

It's been interesting, Steve. I've learned
a lot. I've seen a lot, I've done a lot.

- I've shat a lot.
- (Laughter on phone)

I mean, just over there,
they cremate bodies over there.

So, you're never that far away from
a bit of weirdness in India, even here.

Probably on the telly you're going,
"That looks lovely, wildlife going on there,

"the sun going down, the Taj Mahal.

"Hang on, what's that?
There's a load of dead bodies at the back."

- Definitely not.
- (Ricky laughs)

This has been the only building in India
that has a bit of normality to it.

So, maybe that's why it's a wonder.

Yeah, I can't see anything matching this one,
to be honest.

Pretty serious for me, that, innit?

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